Chapter 31 Chapter Eighteen (Part 2)

An inexplicable expression flashed across the daughter's flushed face. "Oh, my God! Are they there? I thought Mrs. Dewan's poodle ate them; he's been so sluggish for a week, I didn't venture to mention that I'd lost the soap flakes. But, I think the poor brute ate him, whatever it was that didn't eat him first. No," Justine went on thoughtfully. "I hate to see it die." Meggie leaned back and laughed. "Oh, Juss! Do you know how funny you are?" She tossed the box onto the already piled-up bed. "You don't trust Drogheda, do you? We've done everything we can to remind you that it's neat and orderly, and we can't win your trust."

"As I told you, it's a waning, dying business. You want to take the soap flakes back to Drogheda? I know I'm going by boat, and luggage is unlimited, but dare I say, London has tons of soap flakes." Meggie sent the box into a cardboard box labeled "Mrs. Dewan." "I think we'd better give them to Mrs. Benwan, who has to make this place habitable for a tenant." At the end of the table rested a rickety stack of unwashed dishes with growths growing on them. Chewy fluff.Have you ever washed the dishes? " Justine smiled without remorse. "Dain says I'll either have to shave them instead of washing them."

"You have to give them a haircut first. You use the dishes, why don't you wash them?" "Because that would mean another hard day in the kitchen, and since I usually eat after midnight, no one would appreciate the patterns on my little leftover soup." "Give me one of those plates. I'll take them, now I'll tidy them up," said Mom nonchalantly.She knew it was going to happen before she volunteered to do her duty to pack her daughter, and she was eager to do it.It was rare for anyone to find an opportunity to do something for Justine, and whenever Meggie tried to do something for Justine, she stopped because she felt like a complete idiot.However, in family matters the tables are turned and she can help her with confidence without feeling like a fool.

At any rate, it was done, and Justine and Meggie loaded their bags into the ranch wagon Meggie had driven from Gilly and set off for the Aurelia Hotel, where Meggie had rented a room. "I want you Drogheda people to buy a house in Palm Beach and Avelon." Justine put her suitcase in the back bedroom of the room. "Living right above Martin Place is dreadful. Just imagine bouncing in the lapping surf! Wouldn't it be more attractive than y'all flying over from Gilly in a hurry ?" "Why should I come to Sydney? I've been here twice in the last seven years--to see Dane off, this time to see you off. If we had a house here it wouldn't be of any use." ."

"Stupid." "why?" "Why? Because there's more to the world than Drogheda. Humph! That place is driving me nuts!" Meggie sighed. "Trust me, Justine, there will always be times when you long to go back home to Drogheda." "Will Dane do the same?" silence.Meggie stopped looking at her daughter and picked up the bag from the table. "We're late. Mrs. Rocher says it's two o'clock. If you want to get some clothes before you start, we'd better hurry." "I'm a law-abiding person." Justine said with a grin.

"Justine, why don't you introduce me to your friends? I haven't seen a single person in Bottswell Gardens except Mrs. Dewan," as they sat in Germaine Rocher's hall , Meggie said, looking at the smartly dressed fashion models and giggling. "Oh, they're kind of shy...I like the orange one. How about you?" "Won't match your hair color. Gray is fine." "Bah! I think orange goes well with my hair. In gray I look a little like a cat, muddy and stale. Be trendy, Ma. Red hair doesn't have to go with white." , black, bright green, or one of those horrible colors you admire--what color is that, rose gray? Victorian!"

"You got the name of the color right," said Meggie.She turned to look at her daughter. "You're a monster," she said sarcastically, but lovingly. Justine didn't care at all, it wasn't the first time she heard such words. "I want orange, scarlet print, moss green, burgundy..." Meggie sat there dumbfounded, what was she going to do with a daughter like Justine? Three days later, the "Himalayan" set sail from Darling Harbour.It was a lovely old steamer, flat-bottomed, and very seaworthy.It was built in a time when no one was in a hurry, and when no one recognized the fact that England was four weeks via the Cape of Good Hope, or five weeks via Suez.Today, even the streamlined, destroyer-hulled ocean liner reaches England much faster.But what they taste to the sensitive palate daunts even the most seasoned seaman.

"How interesting!" Justine smiled. "The first-class gang were all cutesy innocents, so it wasn't as boring as I thought it would be. Some of them were very handsome." "Now you won't be upset about my insistence on booking first class?" "I think so." "Justine, you've been mean to me, always have been," Meggie snapped, furious at her ingratitude.This is not a bad guy, at least he won't pretend to be indifferent to the imminent departure this time, right? "Stubborn, stupid, headstrong! You really annoy me." For a moment, Justine didn't answer, but turned her head away, as if more interested in the shouting people crowding the shore than in Mama's words.She bit her trembling lips and smiled cheerfully at those people. "I know I annoy you," she said cheerfully as she faced her mother. "Never mind, I'm who I am. Like you always say, I'll be with my dad."

They hugged awkwardly before Meggie scurried into the crowd on the gangplank and disappeared there.Justine stepped onto the sundeck and stood by the rail with a roll of colored streamers in her hand.On the far side of the pier below, that is dressed in light pink.A figure in a light pink hat stood at the designated spot, with his hands covering his eyes.It's funny how from such a distance you can see that Mom is almost 50 years old.It's not obvious from other aspects, but her standing posture is the best indication of her age. They waved at the same time, Justine threw the first roll of ribbon, and Meggie deftly caught the end of the ribbon. .One red, one blue, one yellow, one pink, one green, one orange; coiled and straightened by the breeze.

An orchestra sees off the football team, standing among flying pennants and billowing kilts.The bagpipes blew out a quirky, rearranged piece called "It's Time."The side of the ship was full of people hanging on their bodies and desperately clutching the thin paper ribbons; on the pier, hundreds of people led their heads up, looking reluctantly at the faces of those who were about to go away, most of them were The faces of young people who were going to see what the center of civilization actually looked like on the other side of the world.They will live and work there, and maybe come back in three to five years, maybe not at all.Everyone understood this and was bewildered.

The slate-blue sky was covered with silvery white clouds, and the Sydney wind was blowing.The warm sun shone on the upturned heads and bowed shoulders; a great, multicolored ribbon wobbled to connect the steamer to the shore.Then suddenly a gap appeared between the side of the old steamer and the stakes of the quay, and the air was filled with shouts and whimpers; thousands of ribbons broke one by one and drifted obliquely Then, it drooped slowly, like a piece of scattered and intertwined fabric floating on the water surface, floating away with orange peels and jellyfish. Justine stubbornly stayed on the rail until the harbor was a few harsh lines and pink dots of the past; Pulling her under the bustling deck of the Sydney Harbor Bridge, into the sun-drenched mainstream of this beautiful voyage. This trip out of the land and the ferry are completely different things, although they have to go the same way, passing through Nutril Bay, Rose Bay, Clement and Van Cross; but things are not the same.This time across the headland, out of the forested cliffs, and out into the ocean, trailing a frothy fan of water.Travel across 12,000 miles to the other side of the world.And, whether or not they return home, they will belong neither here nor there, because they will live on two continents and experience that different way of life for the first time. Money, Justine discovered, made London a most alluring place.She is not attached to "Earl's Court" for nothing - they call it "Kangaroo Village" because many Australians have set up their headquarters here.Nor would she suffer the fate typical of Australians in England: to open a small youth hostel, to work in some office, school or hospital for a Fibo salary, to live in poverty in a cold, In the damp room, shivering beside the half-warm heater.On the contrary, Justine had a centrally heated flat in Kensington, next to Sir Bridge; she was in Clyde Daltyhan.A location in Robert's company.The company belongs to the Elizabeth Thain consortium. When summer came, she took the train to Rome.In the years that followed, she would recall with a smile that the long trip across France to Italy had seen so little, her mind completely filled with all the things she had to tell Dane, Reminiscing about things that are simply impossible to forget.There were so many things, she was sure to miss some. Is that Dane?Was that tall, handsome man standing on the platform Dane?His appearance has not changed in any way, yet it is so strange.He no longer belongs to her world.She tried to get his attention, but could not cry out; she sat back in her seat and watched him as the train stopped only a few yards from where he stood, his anxious eyes on the window Sweeping.When she told him about her life since he was gone, it would probably only be a busy conversation, because she knew now that there was no burning desire in him to share his own experience with her.Damn it!He wasn't her little brother any more; his life was not of any concern to her now, as it was in Drogheda.Oh Dane!How do you live 24 hours a day? "Ha! Come to think of it, I told you to come here to pick me up for nothing, didn't I?" She slipped behind him without anyone noticing. He turned around, held her hands tightly, and looked down at her with a smile. "Big fool," he said cheerfully, taking her big trunk and putting her free arm around his. "Nice to meet you," he added, as he helped her out of his red Lagenda that went anywhere; When you can get a driving license, you have a racing car. "Nice to see you too. I hope you've found me a good hotel, because my letter to you counts. Let me stay in a monastic cell in the Vatican among a lot of celibate people , I won't do it." She laughed. "They don't want you yet, they don't want to stay with the little devil. I've booked you a room in a little apartment not far from me, and they speak English, so you don't have to worry about my absence. Rome, it's no problem to walk around and speak English; there's always someone who can speak English." "In these days, I wish I had your linguistic genius. But I'll figure it out: I'm good at pantomime and charades." "I've got two months off, Justine, isn't it great? So we can visit France and Spain and still have a month in Drogheda. I miss home so much." "Really?" She turned to look at him, at the beautiful hands that expertly steered the car through the busy streets of Rome. "I don't think so at all; London is so much fun." "Don't take me for a fool," he said. "I don't know what Drogheda and Ma mean to you." She clenched her fists on the hem of her dress, but didn't answer him. "Have tea with some of his friends this afternoon, would you mind?" he asked when they were in place. "I have almost arranged to receive you in advance. They are all eager to see you, and as I am not a free man till tomorrow, I do not wish to refuse." "Big fool! Why should I mind? If this were London, I'd have my friends overwhelm you too, why can't you? You give me a chance to watch these fellows in the seminary, I'm happy, even though it's a little unfair to me, isn't it? Well, it doesn't matter much." She walked to the window and looked down at a dilapidated small square. On the paved upper square, there were two listless sycamore trees, and three tables were dotted under the trees; It is not a church with any special architectural beauty, the top is covered with mottled stucco. "Dain..." "how?" "I get it, I do get it." "Yes, I know." The smile faded from his face. "I hope Mom understands, too, Justine." "Mam's different. She thinks you abandoned her; she doesn't understand that you haven't. Don't worry about her. She'll come back in time." "I hope so." He smiled. "By the way, the people I'm meeting this afternoon are not from the seminary. I don't want them or you to be tempted. We're having tea with Father de Bricassart. I know you don't like him, But you have to promise to have a better attitude." Her eyes were shining with a very charming light. "I promise! I'll even kiss every ring offered to me." "Oh, you remember! I was nearly mad at your words the other day, and made me feel ashamed before him." "Well, since then I've kissed a lot more unhygienic things than rings, and there was a lad in the drama class with terrible acne and bad breath and almond rot, and I had to kiss the whole thing 29 times, almost sick to my stomach. I can assure you, man, nothing is impossible after kissing him." She patted her hair and turned from the mirror. "Do I have time to change?" "Oh, don't worry about that. You look fine." "Who else is drinking tea with?" The sun was too low to warm the ancient square, and the leprosy marks on the trunks of the plane trees looked stale and disgusting.Justine shuddered. "And Cardinal di Contini-Verches" She had heard the name before and her eyes widened. "Phew! You're moving in a pretty dignified circle, aren't you?" "Yes. I tried to ditch it." "Dane, does that mean that when you're active in other areas here, some people have had trouble with you because of it?" she asked shrewdly. "No, not really because of that. Knowing so-and-so isn't such a big deal. It never occurred to me, and neither did anyone else." This room!These people in red!Never in her life had Justine felt such a surplus of women in the lives of some men, when she entered a world where there were hardly any women except the lowly nuns.She was still wearing the olive-green linen dress she had put on outside Turin, a little wrinkled on the train.As she walked along the crimson carpet, she cursed Dane for coming here in such a hurry; she wished she had insisted on wearing a dress that had no traces of travel. Cardinal de Bricassart rose to his feet, smiling; what a handsome old man he was. "Dear Justine," he said, holding out his ring, with a mischievous look on his face that suggested he remembered the last time.What he was looking at in her face puzzled her. "You look nothing like your mother." She knelt down on one knee, kissed the ring, smiled humbly, stood up, and smiled even more humblely. "No, I don't. I wish I had her kind of beauty in my chosen career, but on stage I try to be pretty. You know, because on stage the face looks the same as the actual What a face looks like in real life doesn't matter, you and your art can make people believe that looks like that." There was a dry laugh from one of the chairs: she kissed the ring on the other old, bony hand again in respect.But this time she looked up and saw a pair of black eyes, and strangely saw love in those eyes.It was love for her, for someone she'd never met, someone she'd rarely heard of.She liked the Cardinal de Bricassart no more now than she had liked him when she was ten, but she liked the old man. "Sit down, dear." Cardinal Vittorio said, pointing to a chair next to him. "Hello kitten," Justine said, stroking the blue cat on his red skirt, "he's pretty, isn't he?" "It's really nice." "what is her name?" "Natasha." The door opened, but instead of a tea cart, it was a man in baggy clothes like a layman; if it was another red surplice, Justine thought, I'd growl like a bull. However, he is not an ordinary person, even though he is a person in the world of mortals.Maybe they had a little house in the Vatican that kept the laity out, Justine couldn't help thinking.He was not short, but his physique was strong and powerful, which made him appear to be more stocky than he really was, with broad shoulders, a broad chest, a huge lion's head, and long arms like a shearer.He is full of intelligence.His gait gives the impression that this is a man who can do what he wants.Otherwise, he was like an ape.He can grab a thing and tear it to shreds, but never aimlessly, never carelessly, but cunningly.He was very dark, but his thick hair was exactly the same color as steel wool, and nearly as strong, and steel wool could be rolled into such small, neat waves. "Reina, you came at the right time." Cardinal Vittorio said, pointing to the chair on the other side of him, still speaking English. "Honey," he said, turning to Justine, as the man kissed his ring and stood up. "I'd like you to meet a very good friend, Hale Rainer Mollin Hasson. Rainer, this is Dane's sister, Justine." He stooped, touched the heels of his shoes primly, gave her a half-hearted smile, and sat down, just to one side, so far away that he was out of sight.Justine sighed with relief, especially when she saw Dane sitting casually and customarily on the floor next to Cardinal Ralph's chair, in her sight; She feels at ease when she is with the person she loves and the person she likes.But the room, the man in the red robe, and the dark man bored her more and more than Dane, who was there quietly; she resented the way they brushed it aside.So she leaned to one side and teased the cat again, knowing that Cardinal Vittorio would sense and would be amused by its reaction. "Has she been castrated?" Justine asked. "Of course." "Of course! Although I don't know why you should bother, just living in this place for a long time is enough to castrate the ovaries of anything." "On the contrary, my dear," said Cardinal Vittorio, delighted at her words. "It's us men who castrate ourselves psychologically." "I'm sorry to disagree, Your Excellency." "So our little world bothers you?" "Well, I'd rather I feel a little superfluous, sir. I've visited a nice place, but I don't want to live here." "I can't blame you. I doubt you'd like to visit this place, too. You'll get used to us, though, because you'll have to see us often." Justine grinned. "I hate polite manners," she said from the bottom of her heart. "It brought out my bad temper--I didn't have to look at Dane to know he was worried about my bad temper." "I don't know how long this bad temper won't last," said Dane without exasperation. "Just do a little research on Justine and you'll see she's a rebel. That's why she's a good sister to me. I'm not a rebel, but I do appreciate them." Hale Hasson moved his chair so that it would keep her in sight when she was upright and not playing with the cat.Just at that moment, the pretty little animal, tired of the hand with its oddly feminine scent, crawled unceremoniously from the cardinal to the gray dress, and in Hale Hasson's powerful Under the caress of the big hand, he got up tired and snored loudly, which made everyone laugh. "Forgive my existence," Justine said, and even when she fell victim to it, she couldn't stop her from cracking a joke. "He's as fine a motor as ever," said Hull Hasson, putting a charming look on his face at the amusing spectacle.He spoke English very well, with almost no smell, but an American accent, which was pronounced retroflexically. Before everyone had calmed down, the tea was served, strangely enough, by Herr Hasson; he handed Justine her cup, with a far friendlier expression on his face than he had just introduced too much. "In English society," he said to her, "tea is the most important refreshment of the day. Things go on at tea, don't they? I suppose, by its nature, between two o'clock and You can ask for tea almost anywhere between 5:30 and having a cup is a mouth-drying thing to talk about." The ensuing half hour seemed to confirm his point, even though Justine hadn't joined their party.The conversation turned from the pope's perilous health to the Cold War and then to the recession.The four of them took turns talking and listening, and Justine was deeply attracted, secretly trying to figure out their common qualities, including even Dane, who was so strange and possessed so many unknown things.He actively talked about his views, which did not escape Justine's eyes at all.The three older men listened to Childish with an inexplicable humility, as if he were in awe of them.His comments are neither ignorant nor naive, but insightful, unique, and utterly good.Was it because of this holiness that they regarded him so solemnly?Has he possessed this holiness, and they have not?Is it actually a virtue they admire, and do they aspire to it themselves?Is it so precious?The three men were very different from each other, yet any one of them was far more closely connected than Dane.It's not easy to take Dane as seriously as they do!In many respects he behaved less like an elderly brother than like a younger brother; it was not that she was unaware of his talents, or his intellect, or his holiness.But, before that, he had been part of her world.She had to get used to the fact.i.e. he is no longer part of her world. "I'll take care of your sister to her hotel if you wish to go straight to prayer," Hale Rainer Molson demanded without consulting anyone. And so she found herself walking dumbfounded down the marble stairs, accompanied by the stocky, muscular man.In the golden light of a Roman sunset, he took her by the elbow and led her into a limousine of the "Mosdis" brand; the driver stood beside him. "Hey, you don't want to spend your first night in Rome alone, and Dane can't get out." He followed him into the car. "And you are very tired and unfamiliar, and think you'd better have company." "It seems you have left me no choice, Hale Hasson." "I'd rather be called Rainer." "You must be someone important with such a fancy car and your own chauffeur." "If I become Chancellor of West Germany, it will be even more expensive." Justine snorted. "It surprises me that you haven't made it yet." "Presumptuous! I'm too young." "Really?" She turned half-turned and looked at him more closely, and found that his dark skin was unwrinkled, and he looked very young, and his deep-set eyes were not surrounded by the naked eyes of old people. Bubble. "I've grown fat and my hair is gray, but I've been gray since I was 16, and I've been fat since I could eat enough. Now I'm only 31." "I'll take your word for it," she said, kicking off her shoes. "But it's still too old for me - I'm in the prime of my life, 21 years old." "You're a devil," he said with a smile. "I think I must be. My mother said the same thing, but I'm not sure what you two mean by the devil, so please tell me what you think?" "You already know your mother's opinion?" "If I asked her, I'd be embarrassed by her scolding." "Don't you think you're putting me in a bind?" "I very much doubt, Hale Hasson, that you are a devil, too, so I doubt there will be anything to embarrass you." "A devil," he said again, breathlessly. "Well then, Miss O'Neill, I'll try to define that word for you. This is someone who frightens others; can overwhelm people; has feelings so strong that only God can defeat him; has no moral scruples, very little morality." She giggled. "That sounds like you. I have too many morals and scruples. I'm Dane's sister." "You don't look like him at all." "This is especially regrettable." "His face doesn't match your personality." "No doubt you're right, but even if I had his face, I might have a different personality." "Well, what comes first, er, the chicken or the egg? Put your shoes on; we're going to walk." It was warm and getting dark; but the lights were bright, and wherever they went there seemed to be throngs of people, the streets filled with screeching motorbikes and little Fiats sprinting straight ahead. , and Gogomobile looks like a panicked frog.Finally, he stopped in a small square.For hundreds of years, the cobblestones of the square have been smoothed by countless feet; he led Justine into a restaurant. "Would you like to be outside?" he asked. "Wherever you take it with you, I don't really care if it's indoors, outdoors, or half indoors and half outdoors." "Can I order something for you?" Perhaps, those light-colored eyes flickered a little bored, but Justine still had a struggle in her heart. "I don't know if I like the stuff about bossy and arrogant men," she said. "Besides, how do you know what I like?" "Don't mess around," he muttered. "Then you tell me what you like. I promise to please you. Fish? Not veal?" "Are you reconciled? Well, I'll give you a break, why not? I'll have a pie, some daikon, a plate of green tea, and after that, I'll have a praline ice cream and a whipped cream." Coffee. Let's spend some time here if you can." "I should have slapped you," he said, trying to elicit a reaction with his humor.He gave the waiter her order exactly, but in quick Italian. "You said I look a little bit like Dane. Don't I look like him at all?" she asked, somewhat gloomily, as she sipped her coffee, and when the table was covered with food, she Too hungry to waste time talking. He lit her cigarette, then lit his own, and leaned in the shadows, watching her silently, remembering the first time he had seen Dane a few months ago.He saw at once that he was exactly de Bree in the Cardinal de Sartre minus forty years; later, he heard that they were uncles, and that the boy and the girl were mothered by Ralph de Bree. Brixart's younger sister. "Yes, there are similarities," he said. "Sometimes the face is alike too, much more in expression than in appearance. As for the eyes and around the nose, you look a little like him when you open your eyes and shut your mouth. It is very strange that you have nothing in common with your cardinal uncle. place." "The cardinal's uncle?" she repeated in bewilderment. "It's the Cardinal de Bricassart. Isn't he your uncle? I'm sure I've been told so." "The old vulture? Thank goodness he's not related to us. He was priest in our parish many years ago, long after I was born." She is very bright; but she is also too tired.Poor little girl -- because that's what she is, a little girl.A 10-year difference between them is like a 100-year difference.Doubt destroyed her world, and she defended it so bravely.Perhaps it was good to refuse to understand this, even though it had been made plain to her.How to make this skeptical view seem trivial?She wouldn't expend energy on this point of view, certainly not, but she wouldn't abandon it right away either. "That explains the matter, then," he said softly. "What does it mean?" "Illustrates the fact that Dane and the Cardinal are basically alike - height, complexion, build." "Oh! My grandmother told me that our father looks like a cardinal." Justine said with relief. "Have you met your father?" "Not even a picture. He was separated from Mom before Dane was born." She called to the waiter. "Bring me another coffee with milk, please." "Justine, you're a savage! Let me get you some!" "No, damn it, I don't want to! I'm perfectly capable of thinking for myself, I don't need some goddamn man telling me what I want and when I'm going to get it. Did you hear that?" "Just look a little, and you'll find a traitor; that's what Dane said." "He's right. Oh, if only you knew how much I hate being pampered and coddled and done for! I'd rather have my own way than be told to! No, I won't ask forgiveness, but And never give in." "I can see that," he said dryly. "What makes you so, my dear girl? Is it so at home?" "Is that so? To be honest, I don't know. I don't think there's any woman to talk about in the family. There's only one in a generation. Grandma, mother and me, though there are a lot of men." "Your generation doesn't have a lot of men, it's just Dane." "I think it's because Mom left Dad. She never seemed interested in another man. I think that's a shame. Actually, Mom is a family-centered person; she would have liked a husband for her busy." "Does she look like you?" "I don't think so." "This is more important, do you like each other?" "Mom and me?" She smiled without remorse, as her mother would do when anyone asked her if she loved her daughter. "I'm not sure if we like each other, but there's something there. Maybe a simple biological connection, I don't know." Her eyes were full of kindness. "I've always wished she could talk to me the way she talks to Dane, and get along with her the way Dane does, but there's something wrong with either in her or in me. I don't have it. I think there's something about me. She's a much better person than I am." "I have not seen her, so I cannot agree or disagree with your judgment. If that is an understandable comfort to you, my girl, I would rather you be what you are. No, I would not change." Anything about you, not even your ridiculous aggressiveness." "这使你很不高兴吗？因为我冒犯了你？实际上我并不象戴恩，是吗？" "戴恩和世界上的任何人都不象。" "你的意思是，因为他和这个世界格格不入？" "我想是这样的。"他向前一俯身，从阴影中出来了，奇安蒂瓶中那小蜡烛的微光照亮了他。"我是一个天主教徒，我的宗教信仰是我一生中从来没有使我失望的一样东西，尽管我多次使它失望。我不愿意谈戴恩，因为我的心灵告诉我，有些事情最好是置吃不论。当然，你对生活或上帝的态度和他不一样。咱们不谈它，好吗？" 她好奇地望着他。"好吧，雷纳，如果你愿意这样的话。我和你定个契约吧--不管咱们讨论什么，都不要讨论戴恩或宗教的本质。" 自从1943年7月雷纳·莫尔林·哈森和拉尔夫·德·布里克萨特见过面以来，他经历了许多事情。一个星期之后，他的团开到了东部前线，这场战争剩下的时间他都是在那里度过的。在战前和平的日子里，他由于年龄太小没有被吸收进希特勒青年团，因而感到烦恼，心里没着没落的。他们已经弹尽粮绝，困在冰天雪地之中，面临着希特勒的穷途末路，战线拉得如此单薄，以至上百码的阵地上只有一个士兵。这场战争给他留下了两个记忆：凄寒苦雪中艰苦的战斗和拉尔夫·德·布里克萨特的面庞，恐怖和美好，魔鬼和上帝。一半狂热，一半冰冷，毫无防御地眼巴巴看着赫鲁晓夫的游击队从低飞的飞机上不用降落伞落在雪堆上。他曾捶胸顿足，咕咕哝哝地祈祷。但是，他不知道他在为什么祈祷。为他的枪能有子弹？为能从俄国人那里逃生？为他那邪恶的灵魂？为长方形教堂里的那个人？为德国人？为减轻哀痛？ 1945年春，他赶在俄国人之前撤过了波兰，和他的战友们一样，只有一个目标--赶回英国人或美国人占领下的德国。因为，倘若俄国人抓住了他，他会被枪毙的。他把自己的个人文件撕成了碎片，付之一炬，埋掉了他的两个铁十字勋章，偷了几件衣服，向丹麦边境上的英国当局报了到。他们把他送到了比利时的一个因为战争而背井离乡的人设置的一个营地。在那里，他吃了一年左右的面包和薄粥；这就是筋疲力尽的英国对他们统治下的成千上万的人能提供的一切。他在那里等待着，直到英国认识到对他们唯一的办法就是释放他们。 营地的官员召见了他两次，给他作了最后的结论。在奥斯顿港，有一条船正等待着装运去澳大利亚的移民，他将被发给新的证件，并被免费运到新的土地上去。作为报答，他不论选择什么职业都将为澳大利亚政府工作两年，此后，他的生活便完全由自己作主了。这不是奴隶劳动；当然，将付给他标准工资。但是，在这两次折见的机会中，他都没法谈到他自己不愿意当移民。他恨希特勒，但不恨德国人，并且不以做一个德国人为耻。故土就意味着德国。三年以来，他对它魂牵梦索。那种滞留在一个既没有人讲他的语言，也没有一个人和他同种同宗的国家的想法也是大逆不道的。于是，在1947年初，他发现他已经分文不名地置身在亚琛①的街道上了。他知道，他极渴望修补起被粉碎的生活。 ①德意志联邦共和国西部的工业城市，与比利时接壤。 -- Annotation. 他和他的灵魂幸存下来了，但不能再回到那种饥寒交迫、地位卑微的生活中去。因为雷纳不仅仅是个有抱负的人，而且还是个有某种天才的人。他去为格伦迪格工作，并且研究他头一次接触雷达就使他入迷的那个领域：电子学。他装满了一脑子的计划，但是他连这些计划的百万分之一的价值都不愿卖给格伦迪格。相反，他却谨慎地窥测着币场，随后，他娶了一个寡妇。这寡妇有两家小小的收音机工厂，他以此为基点开始了自己的事业。那时，他刚刚20岁，是个无足轻重的小人物；然而，他的头脑却成熟得多。德国战后的混乱为年轻人创造了机会。 由于他是世俗婚，教会允许了他和他妻子的离婚；1951年，他按着当时流行的价格付给了安妮莱斯·哈林恰好相当于她前夫那两家工厂的两倍的钱，而也从此和她离了婚。但是，他没有续娶。 这小伙子在俄国那冰天雪地的恐怖环境中所遇到的事情没有造就一个毫无灵魂的、丑角式的人；相反，这种生活倒抑制了他那温和、可爱的性格的发展，使他具备的其他素质长足发展起来--聪敏、无情、意志坚定。一个一无所有的人会得到一切，一个毫无感情的人无法使其受到伤害。但在实际行事上，他却令人不解地与他1943年在罗马遇上的那个人相似；他就象拉尔夫·德·布里克萨特那样，明知干得不对也还是去干了。意识到自己身上的罪恶片刻也阻挡不住他行事，只是物质财富的增长是以痛苦和自我折磨作为代价的，对于许多人来说，也许付出这样的代价不值得，但对他来说，付出两倍的痛苦折磨也是值得的。总有一天，他将要统治德国，把它变成他所梦寐以求的那种国家。他准备粉碎雅利安人路德①的伦理道德，发展一种更为不受限制的伦理道德，他不能答应停止犯罪孽，这一点他在几次忏悔中完全予以拒绝了。但不知怎的，他和他的宗教糊涂地在一起瞎对付着，直到万贯资财和重权高位使他超越罪孽之上时，他才会去作忏悔，并且会得到牧师赦免。 ①马丁·路德（1483--1546），16世纪德国宗教改革运动的发起人，基督新教路德宗教的创始人。他否定教皇的权威，认为人民要得到上帝的拯救，不在于遵行教会规条，而在于个人的信仰。 -- Annotation 1955年，作为西德最富有、最强有力的人之一和波恩国会的一位新人，他重返罗马了。他是去寻找德·布里克萨特红衣主教，并向他显示他的祈祷的结果的。在他的想象中，这次会面他事后也许不会有什么可铭记在心的，因为在这次会面中，从头到尾他只有一种感觉：拉尔夫·德布里克萨特对他感到失望。他知道这是为什么，他没有必要去问。但是，红衣主教临别时的那番话却是他始料未及的。 "我曾经祈祷，你将比我干得好，因为你是这样年轻。没有任何东西是值得千方百计去追求的。但是我想，我们毁灭的种子在我们降生之前就已经播下了。" 回到自己的旅馆房间之后，他哭了，但是过了一会儿，他就镇定了下来，想：已经过去的事是不能挽回的，将来他要按照他的希望去做。有的时候，他成功了。有的时候，他失败了。但是，他是尽力而为的。他和梵蒂冈的那些人的友谊成了他现实生活中最弥足珍贵的东西。罗马变成了这样的一个去处：在他需要他们的安慰，否则便会绝望的时候，他便飞到那里去安慰。他们的安慰是一种妙不可言的安慰。他们的安慰不是握着双手，说些绵言软语，倒象是一种出自灵魂的镇痛剂，好象他们理解他的痛苦似的。 把朱丝婷安顿在她的公寓中之后，他在温暖的罗马夜色中走着；他想，他决不会停止向她献殷勤。在今天下午的会见中，当他克服着心中的折磨望着她的时候，他感到了一种缭乱心房的柔情蜜意。一个该死的但不可屈服的人，这个小魔鬼。不论在哪方面，她都可以和他们相匹敌而毫无逊色；他们发觉这一点了吗？他感到了，他断定他的感觉是一种为女儿感到自豪的感情，只是他没有女儿罢了。于是，他便把她从戴恩那里占据了过来，将她带走，去观察她那种对压倒一切的教会主义的反应，以及对这个她以前从未见过的戴恩的反应；这个戴恩不会，也不可能全部占据她的生活。 他继续想到，他个人的上帝的最美好的东西，就是这个上帝能宽恕一切，能宽恕朱丝婷那天生的不信神和他自己那种一直关闭着感情闸门，直到他确信应该重新打开的时候才打开的做法。他只感到了片刻的惊慌，想到自己已经永远失去了打开闸门的钥匙……他笑了笑，扔掉了他的香烟。钥匙……哦，有时，钥匙的形状是千奇百怪的。也许，为了摔倒不倒翁，需要用每一种妙法制服那红头发上的每一个发卷；也许在一间深红的房间里，他的上帝已经递给他了一把深红色的钥匙。 这一天转眼就过去了。但是，当他看了看表的时候，发现天还早。他知道，那位在如此强大的教皇陛下的教会里拥有仅次于教皇的最高权力的人物已经起来了，玩弄着那只和他一样保持着夜间活动习惯的猫。甘多尔福堡中的那个小房间里词汇了可怕的打嗝声，那清瘦、苍白、苦行者的面庞在扭动着，人们曾看到这张脸如此之久地戴着那白色的皇冠。倘使他热爱他的德国人，倘若他依然听到他周围的人讲德语，这又能改变什么呢？雷纳认为什么也改变不 但是眼下，雷纳需要了解的是，甘多尔福堡已不再是力量的源泉了。登上那大理石的台阶，走进那鲜红的房间，和维图里奥·斯卡班扎·迪·康提尼-弗契斯谈一谈去吧。谈一谈谁会成为或不会成为下一个教皇。因为几乎有三年时间了，他曾经注视着那双聪慧、可爱的黑眼睛停留在它们最愿意停留的地方；是的，与其从德布里克萨特红衣主教那里寻找答案，倒不如从他那里寻找答案。 "我决不会认为我说过这话，不过，谢天谢地，我们将要去德罗海达，"朱丝婷说着，拒绝往特莱维泉中投硬币。"本来认为我们要到法国和西班牙去看看：可是我们却仍然呆在罗马，我象肚脐那样成了摆设了。" "(口母)--，这么说你认为肚脐是不必要的了。我记得，苏格拉底也是这样认为的。"雷纳说道。 "苏格拉底也这样看吗？我可想不起来了！有意思，我认为我也读过柏拉图的大部分著作。"她扭过身子望着他，觉得他在罗马穿着这身随随便便的度假者的服装比他为梵蒂冈的那些听众而穿的那身严肃的衣服要和他相配得多。 "事实上，他绝对确信肚脐是多余的。为了完全证实他的论点，他取下了他的肚脐，扔掉了。" 她撇了撇嘴。"发生了什么事？" "他的长袍脱下来了。" "瞧！瞧！"她咯咯地笑着。"不管怎么样，那时候他们在雅典是不穿长袍的。但是，我有一种可怕的感觉，你的故事中有一种寓意。"她的脸严肃起来了。"雷恩，你为什么要为我操心呢？" "真难办！我以前告诉过你，我的名字的发音是雷纳，不是雷恩。" "啊，可是你不理解，"她说着，若有所思地望着那闪光的汩汩流水，肮脏的水池里满是肮脏的硬币。"你到澳大利亚去过吗？" 他晃了晃肩膀，但是没有弄出声音来。"我差点儿去了两次，好姑娘，不过我想方设法躲过去了。" "哦，要是你去过的话，你就会理解了。象我那样读你的名字，你的名字便会对澳大利亚人有一种魔力。雷纳，雷恩①，荒漠之地的生命。" ①此种读法在英文中是雨水的意思。 -- Annotation 他吃了一惊，烟卷掉在了地上。"朱丝婷，你莫不是在爱我吧。" "男人是什么样的利己主义者啊！我不愿意叫你失望，可是我并没有爱上你。"随后，似乎是为了使她话中的无情变得柔和一些，她把自己的手放在他的手上，紧紧地握着。"是一种更美好的东西。" "还有什么能比恋爱更美好呢？" "我认为，几乎所有的事情都能。我从来不想要任何那一类的东西。" "也许你是对的。暴露得过早，自然是一种极不利的事情。那么，更美好的东西是什么呢？" "找到了一位朋友。"她的手在他的手上轻摩着。"你是我的朋友，对吗。" "是的。"他微笑着往泉水里投了一个硬币。"喂！仅仅为了保证使我不断地感到南方的温暖，过去几年中我一定花掉了1000块德国马克。可有时在我的恶梦中，我又感到了寒冷。" "你应当感受到真正的南方的温暖，"朱丝婷说道。"就是在荫凉里温度也有华氏115度。" "怪不得你不觉得热哩。"他还是象往常那样无声地笑着；当高声笑出来的时候就是一种对命运的蔑视，这是一个古老的遗风。"那种暑热就说明了你为什么是个锤不扁、砸不烂的铜豌豆。" "你的英语很地道，不过带美国味儿。我本来以为你在某个第一流的英国大学学过英语呢。" "不。我是在比利时的一个集中营里从伦敦佬、苏格兰人和英国中部的那些英国大兵那里开始学英语的。有一个词儿，一个人说一个样，真让人糊涂。有人说？abaht，有人说aboot，有人说aboat，可它们都是about①的意思。因此，当我回到德国的时候，我就看我能看到的每一部电影，一个劲买英语唱片，这些唱片是美国喜剧演员灌的。我在家里一遍又一遍地放着它们，直到我能讲足够的英语词汇，以便进一步学习。" ①英语"在……周围"、"关于"，"近于"，"从事于"。 -- Annotation 她又像往常那样把鞋脱掉了；他敬畏地望着她光脚在其热足以烫熟鸡蛋的路面上走着，走过坚硬如石的地方。 "小淘气！把鞋穿上。" "我是个澳洲佬；我们的脚太贱了，穿着鞋不舒服。我们是生长在实际上并没有寒冷天气的地方的，不管到什么地方都是光脚赤足。我能光着脚走过长着栗刺的牧场，然后，满不在乎地把它们从我的脚上拂去，"她自豪地说道。"我也许能在热煤上走呢。"随后，她突如其来地改变了话题。"雷恩，你爱你的妻子吗？" "不 "她爱你吗？" "是的。她嫁给我是没有其他原因的。" "可怜的人！你利用了她，又把她甩了。" "这使你感到失望吗" "不，我不这么想，实际上，我倒为此而赞赏你。不过我确实为她难过。这使我比以往更加坚定了此生此世不蹈她的覆辙的决心。" "赞赏我？"他的声音既茫然又吃惊。 "为什么不呢？现在，我在你身上寻求的并不是她寻求的那种东西，对吗？我喜欢你，你是我的朋友。她爱你，你是她的丈夫。" "我想是的，好姑娘，"他有点儿凄然地说道。"我想，那些有雄心的男人对他们的女人都是不好的。" "那是因为他们迷恋女人那种完全的低眉俯首，那种是，亲爱的，不，亲爱的，三个包都满了，亲爱的，你愿意把它们放在哪儿？之类的人。我要说，这完全是倒了邪霉。要是我作你的妻子，我就会跟你说，滚到一边去吧。我打赌，她从来没这么说过，对吧？" 他的嘴唇微微颤抖着。"没有，可怜的安妮莱斯。她是那种能够献身的人，所以，她几乎没有这样直截了当的武器，也不能表达得这样妙。我真希望他们能拍一些澳大利亚的影片，那样我就能懂得你们的土语了。是，亲爱的之类的话我还能说上几句，可是，倒邪霉我却一点儿不知道。" "虽然你有几分幸运，但是这个词是很无情的。"她那宽宽的脚趾就象有力的手指似的紧贴在水池壁的缝里，令人担忧地往后摇着，轻而易举地保持着身体的平稳。"哦，你最后对她是发了慈悲的。你把她摆脱了。没有你她会过得好得多，尽管她也许不这样想然而我却能把你保住，因为我决不会让你俘虏我的感情。" "无情。你确实是这样的，朱丝婷。我的这些事你是怎么知道的。" "我问过戴恩。自然，作为戴恩，他只会给我这些赤裸裸的事实，但剩下的是我推断出来的。" "由于你过去的那些丰富的经验，这是毋庸置疑的。你是个什么样的骗子啊！他们说，你是个极优秀的演员，但是我发现那令人难以置信。你怎么能模仿出你从未体验过的感情呢？作为一个人，你的感情反而和大多数15岁的人一样。" 她跳了下来，坐在围栏墙上，俯身穿上了鞋，沮丧地扭动着脚趾。"我的脚变大了，该死的。"听了他最后的那几句话，她并没有流露出恼怒和愤慨。好象当诽谤和批评对准她的时候，她只是简单地把内心的助听器一关了事。令人惊奇的是，她根本不恨戴恩。 "这是一个很难回答的问题，"她说道。"我一定得体验角色所要求的感情，不然就演不好，对吗？但是。这就象是……是在等待。我指的是我舞台之外的生活。我要保存我自己，我不能在舞台之外浪费它。我们只有这么多东西可以献出，对吗？而在舞台上，我就不是我了，或更正确地说，我是许多自我的延续。我们必须完全是许多自我的，深刻的混合体。你不这样认为吗？对我来说，演戏是第一位的，是最首要的智力活动，其后才是感情。一个人完全变成了另一个人，并且使之更臻于完善。这比起简简单单的哭喊、尖叫，或发出一阵令人信服的大笑要丰富得多。你知道，这真是妙极了。想想吧，我成了另外一个自我，我可以变成其他人，周围的气氛环境也都十分协调。这是神秘的事情。其实我并没有变成另外一个人，但是却把角色溶合在我的身上，好象她就是我自己一样。于是，她就变成我了。"她心情十分激动，按捺不住地跳了起来。"想想吧，雷恩！有20年的时间，我就可以对我自己说，我曾经搞过谋杀，我曾经自杀过，我曾经发过疯，我曾经挽救过男人或毁掉过男人。啊！这些可能发生的事是无穷无尽的。" "而她们又全部是你。"他站起来，又抓住了她的手。"是的，你说得对，朱丝婷。你不能在舞台下浪费它。要是对另一个人，我会说，你何必那么多事。但是对你，我就不那么肯定了。"