Chapter 30 Chapter Eighteen (Part 2)

"I lost my virginity. At least I think I lost it." Both of his eyes are open. "You're a real big fool." "Bah! I say it's time to lose. How can I hope to be a good actor if I don't even know anything about sex?" "You should leave your virginity to the man who marries you.? Her face twitched in exasperation. "Frankly, Dane, sometimes your corniness gives me trouble! Think about it, what if I don't meet a man I can marry when I'm 40? What do you think I should do? I'll just wait How many years? What are you going to do but get married?"

"I'm not going to get married." "Oh, I don't intend to either. In that case, why would I tie it up with a blue ribbon and put it securely in my nonexistent box of hope? I don't want to muddle through die." He grinned. "You can't do this now." He lay on the ground, resting his chin on one hand, and looked at her calmly; there was a gentle and concerned expression on his face. "Goes well? I mean, is that scary? Do you hate this kind of thing?" She pouted slightly, recalling. "At least I'm not disgusted. It's not scary. Besides, I'm afraid I don't understand why everyone is screaming incoherently. It's as pleasant as I thought it would be. I don't just pick anyone; I pick one." Very attractive guy, old enough to know what he's doing."

He sighed. "You're a big fool, Justine. I'd be happier if I heard from you that he wasn't very noticeable and we met. I can't help it. I can accept that you don't want to stay until you're married. But you should still have certain demands of character, and it must not be merely a desire for such behavior, Justine. I am not surprised that you are not overjoyed." The triumphant light gradually faded from her face. "Oh, damn me, now you've made me feel terrible! If I didn't know you well, I'd think you're trying to demean me—at least my motives."

"But you do know me well, don't you? I would never look down on you, but sometimes your motives are blunt, ill-considered, stupid." His voice was slow and monotonous. "I am the voice of your conscience, Justine O'Neill." "You're a fool too." She had forgotten that she couldn't bask in the sun, and slumped down on the grass next to him so she could see his face. "Look, you know why I'm like this, don't you?" "Oh, Jussie," he said sadly, but whatever he was going to say next, there was no chance, because she spoke again, somewhat angrily.

"I will never, never, never love anyone! If you love people, they will make you miserable. If you need people, they will make you miserable. Tell you, people are like that!" " It always hurt him when she thought she could stop loving, and it hurt all the more when he knew he had caused it.If there is one overriding reason why she holds such a place in his heart, it is that her love for him is sufficient to defuse resentment; And weakened.He stands at the center of love, and she stands at the outer circle; it is a harsh truth for him.He had prayed, prayed that things would change, but nothing changed at all.It didn't diminish his faithfulness, it just highlighted to him that at some point, at some point, he was going to have to pay for the affection she threw on him.She was optimistic about it, trying to assure herself that she was doing well outside the ring; but he could feel her pain.He knows it.There was so much to love in her and so little in him.He cannot understand different things.He was loved a lot for his good looks, his docile nature, his ability to connect with his mother and the rest of Drogheda.And it's also because he's a man.There was very little he didn't get, except things he didn't even know, and he had Justine's trust and friendship in a way that no one else had.Mom means more to Justine than she wants to admit.

But, I'll pay it back, he thought.I've got it all.I have to pay it back somehow so that she is compensated. Suddenly, by chance, he glanced at his watch, and rose feebly; and though he admitted that he owed much to his sister, he owed much more to the Man in the sky. "I have to go, Justine." "You and your damn church! When are you going to get rid of it?" "I hope never to get rid of it." "When will I see you again?" "Well, today is Saturday, so of course we can meet tomorrow. It's 11 o'clock, and we're still here."

"All right, boy." He had gone a few yards away, Livermore's straw hat pulled back; but, turning his head, he smiled at her. "What am I?" She grinned. "Bless you, it's nothing. You're too kind; I've always been a troublemaker. See you tomorrow." The huge doors in the vestibule of the Church of the Virgin Mary were covered in red leather; Dane pushed one open quietly and slipped in.Strictly speaking, he left Justine a little early, but he always preferred to go in when the church was not full, and he didn't want to be the focus of people's eyes, coughing, clothes ripping and whispering. center of.He felt better when he was alone.In the church a deacon was lighting a candle on the high altar; it was a deacon, judging accurately.He lowered his head, and when he reached the Eucharist, he bent his knees and made the sign of the sign of the cross, and then he walked towards the pew lightly and quickly.

He knelt there, with his head on his folded hands, letting his mind wander.He did not consciously pray for anything, but was willing to become an inner part of the surrounding environment. Although he felt the surroundings were bustling, he still felt that the atmosphere had an ethereal artistic conception, an indescribable sacredness and tranquility.It was as if he had become a flame in the little red altar glass lamp, always flickering in the state of extinction, although only a little essential oil was used to keep its flame alive, radiating It emits a short halo, but it can permanently illuminate the boundless darkness.Tranquil, ethereal, suddenly lost in his own existence; this is how Dane felt when he was in the church. Nowhere else did he feel such orderly co-ordination, peace of mind, and pain disappearing.His eyelashes drooped and his eyes were closed.

There was the sound of footsteps sliding on the organ platform, the whirring of the organ and the sound of the exhaust of the pipe, and the choir of the Archbishop of the Virgin Mary's School for Children stepped forward, intervening between the moment and the upcoming religious ceremony. Practice it for a while.It was just a midday blessing on Friday, but some of Dane's friends and teachers at Rivermew were coming for the praise, and he wanted to come. The organ tried a few chords, and then slowly played a wonderful accompaniment.From under the dark, stone-rimmed dome swims the mysterious voice of a child, thin, high, sweet, full of innocence.A few people in the empty and tall church closed their eyes, feeling sad for the lost innocence.

Angelic communion melts my bread, Save my people from suffering, Jue Shi Pi Sheng Xi Ke Shao God Praise me to show the Lord, I am sincere and fearful, Sigh!Great spirit is my heaven. Expensive also eats, Cheap is also delicious, Enjoy the fragrance of heaven... ① ① The original text is Latin. -- Annotation Holy Communion of Angels, Holy Communion of Heaven, O Wonderful Thing.It is beyond my power to praise you, O God; hear my voice, O Lord!Bend your ears to my prayers.Please don't look away, oh God, don't look away.For you are my sovereign sovereign, my Lord; my God, I am your humble servant.There is but one thing of value in your eyes, and that is the virtue of kindness, and you place no value on the beauty or ugliness of your servants.For you, only feelings are important, you can heal everything, you have taught me inner peace.

God, life is lonely.I pray that the pain of life will soon be over.He is afraid that he will not understand that I am so gifted and yet find so much pain in my life.But you understand, and your comfort is everything, it is what supports me.Whatever you want me to do, O God, I will obey, for I love you; and if I dare ask anything of you, it is in you that I forget all else forever... "You're silent, Mom," Dane said. "Thinking of what, Drogheda?" "No," said Meggie lazily. "I'm thinking I'm getting old. I found six or seven gray hairs this morning and my bones are aching." "You'll never grow old, Mom," he reassured. "I wish it was true, dear, but unfortunately, it's not. I'm starting to need mineral water, which must be a sign of old age." They were lying on some towel quilts spread out in the Drogheda grass, near the mineral springs, bathed in the warm winter day.At the end of this large pool, the boiling water was roaring and splashing, and the sulfur-scented water mist was slowly drifting.gradually fade away.Swimming in the mineral springs is a great pleasure in winter.It seemed to Meggie that all the aches and pains of growing old had gone away.She turned back and lay on her back, her head in the shadow of the log on which she and Father Ralph had sat so long ago, that she could no longer imagine what Ralph had been How I felt when I kissed her. At this moment, she heard Dane stand up, and she opened her eyes.He was always her darling, her sweet little darling; and though she watched him change and grow with a peculiar pride, she added a baby to his mature face in her imagination. smile, he treats it like a child.It never occurred to her that he was not a child in any way. But for a split second, as she watched his figure in his swimming briefs against the clear sky, Meggie realized it. My God, it's all over!Babyhood, babyhood.He is a man now. Pride, resentment, a woman's sentimentality about the nature of things, a terrible sense of the imminence of some crisis, anger, admiration, desolation; all these things Meggie felt as she looked up at her son.It is a terrible thing to create a man, and it is even more terrible to create such a man.A dizzying male, dizzyingly good-looking. Ralph de Bricassart, plus something of herself.How could she not be moved when she saw the body of this extremely young man connected with her love?She closed her eyes, distracted, disgusted to think of her son as a man.These days, when he looked at her, did he see her as a woman, or did he still see her as that insignificant good mother?Damn him, damn him!How dare he grow up? "Dane, what do you know about women?" she asked suddenly, opening her eyes again. He smiled. "You mean those little girl movies?" "You have a sister like Justine, you know that. When she finds something in her physiology textbook, she tells everyone. No, I mean, you take Justine's cool theory Have you put it into practice?" He shook his head quickly and negatively, and sat slowly on the grass next to her, looking into her face. "Mom, it's funny you ask this. I've wanted to talk to you about this for a long time, but I don't know where to start." "You're only 18, honey. Isn't it a little too early to put theory into practice?" Only 18.only.He's a man now, isn't he? "That's exactly what I want to talk to you about. There's no such thing as theory being translated into practice." The wind blowing from that watershed is so cold.It was strange that she hadn't noticed it before.Where is her bathrobe? "Not putting it into practice at all," she said dryly, which wasn't much of a problem. "That's right. I don't want that at all. Not only do I not want that, but I don't want a wife and children. I thought about it, but I can't, because there's no room for loving them and loving God; what I want That's not the way to love God. I've thought this way for a long time. I don't seem to have once in my memory not understanding this, and the older I get, the more I love God. Love God It's an amazing, unbelievable thing." Meggie looked into the calm, nonchalant blue eyes.These were Ralph's eyes, as before.But something different from Ralph's eyes flashed in those eyes.Was he like this when he was 18?Yeah?Maybe, is this just how a person behaves at 18?Ralph was ten years beyond that age when she entered Ralph's life.She had always known, however, that her son was a mystic.And she didn't think Ralph had mystical tendencies at any stage of his life.She swallowed, and wrapped the bathrobe tightly around her lonely body. "So, I asked myself," Dane continued. "How can I show God how much I love him. I have struggled with this answer for him for a long time, and I don't want to make it clear. Because I want to live a man's life too, very much. Yet, I know this What is a sacrifice, I know... I only have to offer him one thing, so that I can show in front of him that nothing exists in my heart except him. I can only offer him something that can be with him rival, and that is the sacrifice he requires of me. I am his servant, he is incomparable. I have to choose. Everything but that is for me to have and to enjoy." He sighed Take a breath.Pulled a blade of Drogheda grass. "I have to show him. I understand why he gave me so many things on the day I was born. I have to show him. I understand how little my life is as a man." "You can't do this, I won't let you!" Meggie yelled, reaching for his arm.The arm felt very smooth, and he could vaguely feel the extraordinary power under the skin, just like Ralph.Just like Ralph's!Can't a pretty girl put her hand right on this arm? "I'm going to be a priest," said Dane. "I will serve him completely and completely as his priest, dedicating to him all that I have and myself. Poverty, chastity, and obedience. That is all he asks of his chosen servants. It is not It'll be easy, but I'm going to do it." The look in her eyes was as if he had killed her and left her in the dust at his feet.He did not know that she would be so tormented by the thought that she would be proud of him and happy in having given her son to God.It was unanimously said that she would be thrilled and elated.On the contrary, she gazed at him blankly, as if the prospect of his clerical career had pronounced her death sentence. "I've always wanted to do this," he said desperately, looking into her dying eyes. "Oh, well, don't you understand? It never occurred to me to be anything but a priest! I can't be anything but a priest!" Her hand fell from his arm, and he glanced down to see her pale fingers, her nails making deep little arcs in his skin.She raised her head and laughed loudly, one after another, and the eruption of that shrill, mocking laugh was downright hysterical. "Oh, it's really nice to be honest!" she gasped when she could speak again, wiping the tears from the corners of her eyes with trembling hands. "This is unbelievable mockery! Ashes of the rose, he said that night when he rode up to the spring, and I don't know what he meant. You are ashes, and from the ashes you will rise. You belong to the Church, And to the Church too. Ah, wonderful, wonderful! I say, God has mocked God! God is a ruthless plant! The worst enemy of a woman is God! Everything we seek, he will do everything possible to destroy!" "Oh, don't! Oh, don't! Mother, don't do that!" He cried for her, for her pain, but could not understand her pain or what she said.His tears were falling, his heart was convulsing; the sacrifice had begun, in a way he had not imagined.But even though he cried for her, he couldn't give up this sacrifice even for her.This dedication must be done, and the more difficult it is to complete, the more valuable it will be in the eyes of God. She made him cry as she had never made him cry before.She decisively put aside her rage and sadness.No, it's not fair to put your own pain on him.His genetics, or his God, or Ralph's God made him.He was the light of her life, her son, and he must not be tortured because of her. "Dane, don't cry," she murmured, stroking the marks on his arm from her anger. "I'm sorry, that's not what I meant. You shocked me, that's all. Of course, I'm happy for you, really! Why shouldn't I? I'm just shocked, didn't expect that, that's it." She trembled stroked him. "You threw me that idea like a stone at me." His eyes brightened, and he believed her words without a doubt.Why should he imagine that he was causing her so much pain?Those were his mother's eyes, the eyes of his mother he had always known; full of love, full of life.Young and strong arms wrapped around him and her tightly. "Surely you don't mind?" "Mind? Would a good Catholic mother mind if her son became a priest? That's impossible!" She jumped up. "Hey! It's so cold! Let's go back." They didn't come on horseback, but in a Jeep-like Land Rover; Dane climbed to the right of the wheel, and his mother sat beside him. "Do you know where you're going?" Meggie asked, taking a choked breath, brushing the hair that fell out of her eyes. "St Patrick's, I think. At least until I can act on my own. Maybe then I'll be a religious order. I'd love to be a Jesuit, but I'm not so sure I'll get straight in from there Jesuit." Meggie stared at the bouncing tawny grass through the windshield where a few bugs had fallen. "I have a much better idea, Dane." "Oh?" He had to concentrate on driving; the road narrowed a bit, and there were always fresh fallen tree trunks lying across it. "I sent you to Rome to see Cardinal de Bricassart. You remember him, don't you?" "Do I remember him? What's the question, Ma! I don't think I'll forget him in a million years. He was my perfect priestly example. If I could be a priest like him, I'd very happy." "Let's say it's perfect!" Meggie said sharply. "I'll hand you over to him, though, because I know he'll take care of you for my sake. You can go to a seminary in Rome." "Do you really mean that, Mom? Really?" There was a look of impatience on his face. "Is there enough money? If I stayed in Australia, it would cost a lot less." "Thanks to him, Cardinal de Bricassart, my dear, you will never be short of money." At the kitchen door, she pushed him to the floor. "Go and tell the maid and Mrs. Smith," she said. "They're absolutely thrilled." She stopped again and again, and yet, still struggling to lift her feet, she walked slowly up the ramp leading to the mansion, toward the living room where Fee sat.She was surprisingly not working but talking and sipping tea with Anne Muller.They looked up when Meggie walked in, and it was clear from her face that something serious had just happened. The Muellers have been visiting Drogheda for 18 years and hope the visits will continue forever.But when Ludy Mueller died suddenly last fall, Meggie wrote to Anne right away, asking if she would like to live on Drogheda permanently.The house was ample here, with a guest room for solitude; and if she had the dignity to pay for board and lodging, though they could afford a thousand permanent tenants.Meggie saw it as a chance to pay back those lonely days in Queensland, and Anne saw it as a salvage.Without Rudy, Haymillhawk was terribly lonely, and though she had hired a manager, without that the place would be monopolized and, after her death, it would belong to Justine. "What's the matter, Meggie?" Annie asked. Meggie sat down. "I think I've been struck by a thunderbolt of retribution." "what?" "You're right, you're both right. You said, I'm going to lose him. I don't believe you, I actually think I can defeat God. But there's no woman in the world who can defeat God. He's a man." Fee poured Meggie a cup of tea. "Here, drink this," she said, as if tea and brandy had a restorative effect. "How did you lose him?" "He's going to be a priest." She began to laugh, and at the same time broke out in pain. Anne leaned on crutches, staggered to Meggie's chair, sat awkwardly on the armrest, and lovingly stroked the lovely red-gold hair. "Oh dear! But things are not as out of hand as they are." "Do you know about Dane?" Fee asked Annie. "I've always known," said Anne. Meggie woke up. "Things aren't as out of control as they are? Do you understand? This is the beginning of the end, this is retribution. I stole Ralph from God and I'm paying back with my son. Mom, you tell her I'm stealing , do you remember? I don't want to take your word for it, but, as usual, you're right." "Is he going to St. Patrick's?" Fee asked realistically. Meggie's laughter was much more normal. "Mum, it's irreparable. Of course, I'm going to send him to Ralph; his half is Ralph's, let Ralph have him at last." He shrugged. "Although he was more important to me than Ralph, I knew he wanted to go to Rome." "Did you tell Ralph about Dane?" asked Anne. It was a subject that was never discussed. "No, I'll never tell him. Never!" "They look so much alike that he might guess." "Who? Ralph? He'll never guess! That's what I'm going to keep a secret. I gave him my son." "Beware the envy of the gods, Meggie," said Anne gently. "They may not be done with you yet." "What else are they going to do with me?" said Meggie mournfully. When Justine heard the news, she was furious, although for the last three or four years she had privately suspected that it was coming.To Meggie it was like a bolt from the blue had exploded, but to Justine it had been a predictable sleet of ice. First of all, because Justine went to school with him in Sydney, and as his confidant, she had heard him talk about what he had told his mother.Justine knew how important Dane's religion was to him, not just God, but the mystical and meaningful Catholic rituals.She thought he was and would be a Jesuit by birth, the kind of man who would eventually turn to Catholicism to satisfy a certain need in his soul.For Dane, it was not a strict, Calvinistic God.His God is depicted in stained glass, wreathed in cigarette smoke, covered in colored lace and gold embroidery, accompanied by intricately orchestrated hymns, worshiped in melodious cadences of Latin. ① Churches based on the religious thoughts of the French religious reformer John Calvin (1509-1564) (such as the Presbyterian Church, the Reformed Church, etc.) advocate that believers elect elders to manage the church. -- Annotation It is also an ironic anomaly that someone with such astonishingly endowed beauty sees it as a sign of pain, a flaw, and constantly suffers from it.Dane is like that.He shied away from anything involving looks; Justine thought it would be better if he was born ugly and unattractive at all.In a way she understood why he felt that way, perhaps because of her own notoriously self-absorbed career, and she rather approved of his attitude to his looks.What she gradually couldn't understand was why he hated her appearance so clearly, instead of simply ignoring it. He has a strong desire for sex.She was also sure of the reason for this: whether it was because he told himself to sublimate his passions to a near-perfect level, or because he lacked some necessary brains, despite his natural talent.Maybe it's the former, since he does those strenuous physical activities every day to make sure he's exhausted by the time he goes to bed.She knew very well that his inclinations were "normal", that is, heterosexual, and she knew which girls had a temper for him--tall, dark, voluptuous.But he has no sensual desires; when he has a girl in his hands, when the rouge is around him, or when he realizes that body and beauty are a special kind of pleasure, he doesn't pay attention. to the touch of these things.Before he actually experiences the attraction of the opposite sex, the onslaught of something provocative must have been overwhelming, and it was only in those rare moments that he seemed to recognize the mundane world most men try to step into whenever they get the chance. situation. This had been told to her backstage at the Carrollton Theatre, after a performance.His going to Rome was settled that day; he was anxious to break the news to her, but he knew she would not like it.His religious aspirations were a matter which he never wanted to discuss with her, and which he wished to discuss with her no less fervently.She will be annoyed.But when he went backstage that night, he could no longer suppress his joy. "You're a big fool," she said with disgust. "That's exactly what I want." "idiot." "Whatever you call me won't make a difference, Justine." "Do you think I don't understand this? Scolding you is because I need to vent my feelings a little bit, that's it." I sat down in between, and I can see her here; Get in the way of others.There are only two protagonist dressing rooms at the Carrollton Theatre.Justine wasn't eligible to use them yet.She was the throng of people in the public dressing room. "Damn old Cardinal de Bricassart!" she said sharply. "I've hated him since the first time I saw him!" Dane grinned softly. "You don't hate him, you know." "I hate it! I hate it!" "No, you're not. Aunt Annie told me something at Christmas that I bet you didn't know." "I don't know what?" she asked warily. "When you were a baby, he used to feed you pancakes, pat you on the back, burp you, and rock you to sleep. Aunt Annie said you were a very eccentric child who wouldn't be held , but when he hugged you, you liked it very much." "Absurd and unbelievable lie!" "No, it's not like that," he grinned. "Why do you hate him so much now anyway?" "I just hate it. He's a mean old greedy man, he makes me retch." "I liked him, always liked him. A perfect priest, that's what Father Watty called him. I thought so too." "Well, I said, fuck him!" "Justine!" "Shocks you this time, doesn't it? I bet you'd never think of saying that word." His eyes flickered. "Do you understand what it means? Tell me, Jussie, go on, I'll judge you!" When he teased her, she could not resist; her eyes twinkled. "You'd be a Father Lubapo, you big fool; but if you don't know what that word means, you'd better not ask." ①It means a person who likes to argue fiercely. -- Annotation He got serious. "Don't worry, I won't do that." A pair of very well-proportioned female thighs stopped beside Dane and turned around.He looked up, blushing, turned away, and said casually, "Oh, hello, Martha." "Hello yourself." She was a stunningly pretty girl, a little less capable of acting, but she was a showman in any production; she also had a cup of tea with Dane now and then, and Justine had heard him talk about it more than once. her compliments.Tall, that's what movie magazines always call a sensual guy, with very dark hair and eyes, creamy skin, and terrific breasts. She sat down on the corner of Justine's table, dangling one leg provocatively in front of her nose, and eyed him with unabashed admiration; this clearly embarrassed Lee.God, what a talent he is!How could Justine, an ordinary old horse, have such a good-looking younger brother?He may be just 18 years old, this may be to seduce young people, but who cares so much? "Come over to my place for some coffee or something, okay?" she asked, looking down at Dane. "Are you two going together?" added reluctantly. Justine shook her head negatively, but her expression was rather regretful, as if she was really tempted. "Anyway, thank you, Martha, but I can't go." He glanced at his watch beggingly. "Gosh, I don't have much time! How much longer are you going to have, Justine?" "About ten minutes." "I'm waiting for you outside, are you?" "Coward," she said mockingly. Martha's eyes followed him. "He's so beautiful. Why does he give me such a disdain?" Justine grinned in disappointment and finally wiped her face clean, freckles gone and back.Maybe it would be better in London, where there is no sun. "Oh, don't worry, he noticed. He likes it too. But what would he do? Dane wouldn't." "Why? What's wrong with him? You're never going to tell me he's a fag! Uh, why is every pretty guy I meet a gay? I don't think Dane is, though; he It didn't make that impression on me at all." "Be careful what you say, you fool! Of course he's not gay. In fact, our little bird, the day he saw the pansy, was the day I cut his throat and the pansy's throat." That day." ① A man in a same-sex relationship. -- Annotation "Oh, what if he's not this pansy and likes me? Doesn't he catch my eye? Does he think I'm too old for him?" "Honey, you're by no means old for the average man, don't worry about that. No, Dane has sworn off sex in his life, fool. He's going to be a priest." Martha's lips parted, brushing back her thick black hair. "Look at your nonsense!" "really." "You mean, everything is going to be scrapped?" "Then God is a bigger gay than a pansy." "Maybe you're right," Justine said. "Anyway, of course he doesn't like women very much. We're mediocre, like in the back of the upstairs gallery. And the disciplined men are in the front and balcony." "Oh" Justine twisted and took off Electra's robe, and hastily pulled a thin cotton dress over her head; remembering that it was cold outside, she added a woolen sweater, and kindly clapped Pat Martha on the head. "Don't worry about it, baby. God has taken care of you and hasn't given you any brains. Believe me, it's much better. You ain't going to have any competition with the hair of all things." "I don't know. I wouldn't object to fighting God for your brother." "Forget it. You're fighting the state religion, and you won't win. You'll seduce a pansy much faster, mark my words." A car from the Vatican picked up Dane at the airport and drove him through the sun-fading streets, where there was a constant stream of traffic.All of them are handsome and smiling; his nose is stuck to the window, looking at everything, seeing with his own eyes what he has only seen on pictures before makes him uncontrollably excited--Roman columns, Rococo式①的宫殿和圣彼得教堂那文艺复兴时代的壮观的建筑。 ①欧洲18世纪建筑艺术的一种风格，其特点是纤细、浮华、烦琐。 -- Annotation 在那里等待着他的、从头到脚都穿着鲜红服装的是拉尔夫·拉乌尔·德·布里克萨特红衣主教。他伸出手来，指环在闪闪发光；戴恩双膝跪下，吻着指坏。 "来吧，戴恩，让我瞧瞧你。" 他站了起来，满面微笑地望着那几乎和他一般高的、身材魁伟的人；他们面对面地互相望着。对戴恩来说，红衣主教具有一种灵气无限的精神力量，这种力量与其说是使他想到一位圣徒，毋宁说是教他想到了一位教皇，然而那双充满了极端忧伤的眼睛却不象教皇的眼睛。显露出这样的表情说明他一定是饱经忧患，而他一定是豁达地把这些忧患升华为这最高尚完美的教士生涯。 拉尔夫红衣主教凝眸望着这个孩子，他不知道就是他的儿子；他觉得，他之所以爱他，因为他是亲爱的梅吉的孩子。正因为如此，他想要看到一个属于他自己骨血的儿子；也是这样高，这样相貌出众，这样优雅大方。他一生中从来没看见过一个男人举手投足如此高雅。但是，比他那形体优美更令人满意的，是他灵魂的质朴美好。他具有天使般的力量和某种天使的超凡入圣的气质。他自己在18岁的时候也是这样吗？他竭力回想着。回想着30年生活中的烟云往事，不，他从来不是这样的。是因为这个职业确确实实是这孩子自己选择的，所以才有这样的气质？他自己却不是这样的，尽管已经从事这个使命，并且肯定还要继续下去。 "坐下吧，戴恩。你是按照我告诉你的那样开始学意大利语了吗？" "眼下，我可以流利地讲了，但是说不了土语，我的阅读能力很好。也许是由于我会四种语言才使我比较容易地做到这一步的。我似乎在语言方面有天分。在这儿呆上两三个星期，我大概就可以讲方言了。" "是的。会这样的。我在语言方面也有天分。" "唔，用意大利语比较方便。"戴恩拙口笨舌地说道。那令人敬畏的鲜红的身影使人有些怯生生的；突然之间，要把德罗海达的那骑着栗阉马的人与红衣主教联系在一起变得困难了。 拉尔夫红衣主教俯身向前，望着他。 "我把管教他的责任交给你了，拉尔夫。"梅吉的信中写道。"我把他的安宁和幸福交给你了。我偷来什么，就归还什么。这是我的要求。只需要答应我两件事，当我得知你已经在他最感兴趣的事方面克尽职责时。我就会安心了。首先，请你答应我，在你接受他之前肯定这种真正、绝对想得到的，其次，倘若是他所想得到的，你要照料他，并且保证他得到他实现自己的愿望。要是他对此失去了信心，我希望他回来。因为他首先是属于我的。把他交给你的是我。" "戴恩，你有把握吗？"红衣主教问道。 "绝对有。" "why?" 他的眼睛有一种令人难以理解的冷漠，又是那令人不安地熟悉，但却是一种熟悉的、属于过去的神态。 "因为我对我主的爱。我想终生作为他的教士侍奉他。" "你明白他的仆人永远不可动摇的信条是什么吗。戴恩？" "明白。" "你明白在他和你之间决不能产生其他的爱，你是他独有的，为了他将摒绝其他一切吗？" "明白。" "你明白他的意志存在于万物之中，侍奉上帝你就必须将你的个性和个人的存在以及你对自己的概念这些无比重要的东西都彻底埋葬吗？" "明白。" "你明白，一旦需要，你必须以他的名义面对死亡、监禁和饥饿吗？你明白你必须一无所有，不看重任何可能使你对他的爱减弱的东西吗？" "明白。" "你坚强吗，戴恩？" "我是个人，阁下。我首先是个人。我知道，这将是艰苦的。但是我祈祷，在上帝的帮助下我会找到力量的。" "戴恩，肯定会这样吗？除了这个以外，再也没有什么使你感到满意的东西了吗？" "再也没有了。" "要是今后你改变了主意，你将会怎么办呢？" "呃，我会要求离开的。"戴恩感到意外地说道。"倘若我改变了主意，那一定是因为我确实错选了我的职业，不会有其他原因、因此，我会要求离去。我不会把我对上帝的爱减少一分，但我会明白，这不是他希望我侍奉他的方式。" "但是，你明白，一旦立下最后的誓约，被授予圣职，就没有回头路可走，没有豁免，绝对没有豁免吗？" "我明白，"戴恩耐心地说道，"但是，倘若我下定了决心，在这之前我就会做到这些的。" 拉尔夫红衣主教靠回椅中，叹了口气、他曾经有过这样的把握吗？他曾经有过这样坚定的决心吗？"戴恩，你为什么要找我？为什么你想到罗马来？为什么不留在澳大利亚呢？" "是妈妈建议来罗马的，但长久以来这就是我心中的一个梦想。我从来没想到会有足够的钱。" "你母亲是非常明智的。她没有告诉过你吗？" "告诉我什么，阁下？" "没有告诉你，你每年有5000镑的进项，银行中在你的名下已经有数万镑吗？" 戴恩一怔。"没有。她从来没有告诉过我。" "非常明智。但是事情就是这样的，只要你想的话，你就能来罗马了。你想到罗马来吗？" "yes." "你为什么想到我身边来，戴恩？" "因为你是我心目中最完美的教士，阁下。" 拉尔夫红衣主教扭动了一下。"不，戴恩，别这样高抬我。我也不是个完美无缺的教士。我曾经打破过我的所有誓言，你明白吗？由于我打破了我的誓言，我不得不以一个教士能经历的最痛苦的道路去学习你似乎已经懂得的东西。因为我曾经拒绝承认我首先是一个凡人，除此之外才是个教士。" "阁下，这没有什么了不起的。"戴恩柔和地说道。"你所说的话，丝毫没有影响你是我心目中完美无缺的教士的形象。我觉得你没有理解我的意思，如此而已。我指的不是一种非人性的下意识行为，不是肉体的弱点。我指的是你饱历忧患，并且成熟得炉火纯青了。我的话听起来太放肆了吧？我并没有这个意思，真的。假如我冒犯了你，请你原谅。这只是因为要表达我的意思是如此困难！我的意思是，成为一个完美无缺的教士必须经历许多年月，经历可怕的痛苦，不管什么时候都要把信念和我主摆在自己的面前。" 电话响了起来，拉尔夫红衣主教用微微颤抖的手抓起话筒，讲着意大利语。 "是的，谢谢你。我们马上就去。"他站了起来。"到喝午茶的时候了，我们要和我的一位非常老的老朋友一起喝茶。他也许是教廷中仅次于教皇的最重要的教士。我告诉他你来了，他表示了要见一见你的愿望。" "谢谢你，阁下。" 他们步行走过楼道。随后穿过了一个令人神爽的花园；它和德罗海达的花园风格迥异，载着高高的柏树和白杨，整洁的、长方形的草地周围是带柱子的走道和长满青苔的石板路；他们经过了哥特式的拱门，穿过文艺复兴时代的桥梯。戴恩饱览着这一切，很喜欢它。和澳大利亚如此不同的世界，如此古老、永恒。 穿过这样一片令人耳一新的空地到宫殿，他们走了15分钟；他们走了进去，踏上一座旁边挂着价值连载的挂毯的宽大的大理石楼梯。 维图里奥·斯卡班扎·迪·康提尼-弗契斯红衣主教如今已经是66岁，他的身体由于风湿病而部分丧失了活动能力，但是，他头脑的聪睿敏捷还是一如往昔。现在他养的一只俄国猫，名叫娜塔莎，正咪呜咪呜地叫着，趴在他的膝头。因为他无法站起来迎接他的来访者，只好满足于动容一笑，就算向他们打过招呼了。他的眼睛从拉尔夫那可敬的脸上转到了戴恩·奥尼尔的脸上，一睁一咪的盯着他看。他只觉得胸膛里的心在颤动着，那只伸出去迎接他们的手以本能的何护姿态按在了心口上，全在那里呆呆地看着拉尔夫·德·布里克萨特的那个年轻的翻版。 "维图里奥，没关系吗？"拉尔夫红衣主教焦争地问道，手指捏着他虚弱的手腕，按着他的脉膊。 "当然没关系。一阵暂时的微疼，没什么。坐下，坐下！" "首先，我希望你见一见戴恩·奥尼尔，正象我告诉过你的，他是我的一个非常密切的朋友的儿子。戴恩，这位是迪·康提尼-弗契斯红衣主教阁下。" 戴恩跪了下去，嘴唇压住了那只戒指上；维图里奥红衣主教的眼光越过了那弯下去的、黄褐色的头，在拉尔夫的脸上探看着，这几年他还没这么仔细打量过拉尔夫呢。他稍感放心，这么说，她从来没有对他讲过。当然，对每一个看到他们在一起就会即刻产生猜度的表情他是不会产生什么疑窦的。当然，他们不是父与子，只不过是血统相近罢了。可怜的拉尔夫！他从来没有看到过自己走路，从来没有观察过自己脸上的表情，从来没有见过自己的左眼皮往上一扬时的样子。确实，上帝是仁慈的，他使男人如此眼瞎。 "请坐。茶就来。喂，年轻人！你想当教士，并且找德·布里克萨特红衣主教来求助的吧？" "是的，阁下。" "你的选择是明智的。在他的照顾下，你不会受到伤害。可是你显得有点紧张，我的孩子。是因为陌生吗？" 戴恩现出了拉尔夫式的笑容，也许还多一些有意识的魅力；但是，那和拉尔夫如此相似的微笑却象带倒刺的铁丝在他那衰老、疲惫的心脏上猛地刺了一下。"我不知怎么办才好，阁下。我未曾想到红衣主教们有多重要，从来没有梦想过会有汽车在机场接我，或是和您在一起喝茶。" "是呀，这很平常嘛……不过，这也许是引起麻烦的根源，我明白这个。啊，咱们的茶来啦！"他愉快地看着茶水摆好，警告地举起一个手指。"啊，不！我来当母亲。你的茶怎么喝，戴恩？" "和拉尔夫一样，"他答道，脸羞得象块大红布。"对不起，阁下，我不是有意那样的！" "没关系，戴恩，迪·康提尼-弗契斯红衣主教是理解的。咱们头一次见面就是直呼戴恩和拉尔夫的，这样咱们就能更好地互相了解了，对吗？不拘形式对我们的关系是新鲜的。我倒宁愿在私下保持称呼戴恩和拉尔夫。红衣主教教阁下不会介意的，对吗，维图里奥？" "是的。我喜欢称教名。但是，还是转回去谈我刚才说到的在高等学府找朋友的事吧，我的孩子。不管决定让你去上哪个神学院，由于你和我们的拉尔夫有这种源远流长的友谊关系，你进去后都会碰上一点儿不快的事的。每次都得解释一番你们之间为人们所议论的关系是非常令人厌烦的事。有时，上帝允许来点儿无害的小谎言，"他笑了笑，牙齿上的镶金闪了一下--"为了大家都愉快，我主张编一个无伤大雅的小谎言。因为令人满意地解释一种联系微妙的友谊十分困难，而解释血统关系却很容易。因此，咱们就对所有的人说德·布里克萨特红衣主教是你的舅舅吧，我的戴恩，就让事情这样好了。"维图里奥红衣主教和蔼地结束了自己的话。 戴恩显得十会震惊，拉尔夫红衣主教服从了。 "我的孩子，不要对大人物感到失望。"维图里奥红衣主教温和他说道。叫他们也有自己的满足，并且要编个无害的小谎言藉以自慰。这是你刚刚学到的十分有用的一课。不过，观察一下你，我怀疑你能从中得到什么教益。但是，你必须明白，我们这些红衣绅士是精于世事的外交家。我确实是在为你着想，我的孩子。在神学院里，嫉妒和怨恨并不比世俗大学里少。你会受点儿罪的，因为他们认为拉尔夫是你的舅舅，是你母亲的哥哥。但是，假如他们认为你们之间没有血统联系，你要大受其罪了。我们是最上层的人，而你将在这个领域中打交道的人和你在其他领域中打交道的人是一样的。 " 戴恩低下了头，随后，一倾身子抚摸着那只猫。手就那样伸着。"可以吗？我喜欢猫，阁下。" 他发现，和那颗衰老然而坚定的心相通没有比这更快的办法了，"可以。我承认，对我来说她长得太肥了。是吗，娜塔莎？到戴恩那儿去；他是新一代人。" 要把朱丝婷本人和她的所有物象戴恩那么快地众南半球送到北半球去是不可能的。到她干完了卜洛顿剧院的演出季节，毫无遗憾地告别了波兹维尔花园的房客的时候，她弟弟到罗马已经两个月了。 "我是私自攒起这么多破烂货的？"她问道，四下里摆满了衣服、报纸、箱子。 弯着腰的梅吉抬起头来，手里拿着一铁盒羊毛肥皂片。 "这些放在你的床下是干什么用的？"