Chapter 32 Chapter Nineteen (Part 1)

If you were to follow the people of Drogheda, they would think that Rome and London were no farther than Sydney, and that Dane and Justine, grown up, were still boarding-school kids.Everyone admits that they cannot go home during short-term holidays, but they can go home for at least one month a year.They usually come home in August or September, looking as usual, very young. 15, 16, 22, 23, what's the big deal?If that month of early spring, Drogheda people would never go back and forth and say, oh, we'll only be together for a few weeks!Or, good heavens, they hadn't been gone a month!However, in July, everyone's footsteps became more relaxed and lively, and everyone always had a smile on their faces.From the kitchen to the paddock to the living room, they are discussing how to entertain them and what gifts to give them.

At the same time, there was an exchange of letters.Most of these letters reflect the personal life of the writers, but sometimes they are contradictory.For example, Dane was thought to be a careful, well-behaved reporter, and Justine was a rambling reporter, and Fee never wrote.The Cleary men wrote twice a year.And Meggie wished she could go to the post office every day to post a letter, at least to Dane.Mrs. Smith, Minnie and Kate send postcards every birthday and Christmas.Anne Muller often wrote to Justine, but never to Dane. Dane meant well, and he did write regularly.The only trouble was that he kept forgetting to post the letters he had worked so hard to write; and two or three months passed without a word, and then Drogheda would receive a dozen letters in the same post .Justine, who is good at talking, writes long and thick letters, which are purely direct expressions of ideology, rough enough to make people blush, panic and sigh, but also very fascinating.Only Meggie wrote a letter to her two children every fortnight.Although Justine never got a letter from her grandmother, Dane did often.He also received regular letters from all his uncles about the land and the sheep and the health of the Drogheda women; they seemed to feel it was their duty to assure him that all was well and well at home.But they didn't mention it to Justine, who would hardly know why anyway.As for the others, Mrs. Smith, Minnie, Kate and Anne Muller, wrote as expected.

Reading a letter is a fascination, but writing a letter is a burden.Everyone except Justine felt that way.And Justine had had enough of the pain of being annoyed that no one had sent her the richness she had hoped for—a lot of babble, a lot of blunt words.Most of what Drogheda knew about Dane was from Justine's letters, because his letters never took his readers to the center of the stage.But Justine did just that. Wren flew down to London today (she wrote once) and told me he had seen Dane in Rome last week.Oh, he sees Dane more often than I do, because Rome is at the top of his travel schedule and London is at the bottom.So I must confess that I go to Rome every year to join Dane before I go home because Wren is there.Dane would like to come to London, only I won't let him if Wren is in Rome.He's one of the few people I know who can point me to a way to spend money, and I wish we saw each other more often.In some ways, Ryan was luckier than I was.He started seeing Dane's classmates, but I couldn't.I think Dane thought I was going to rape them on the spot.Maybe he thought they were going to rape me.what.It only happens when they see me in my Charmian costume.This is one attractive woman, folks, really.Kind of like a modern-day Thedar Bara.The dun nipples are like two little round bronze shields with lots and lots of chains and what I think is a chastity belt - you'll have to use a pair of listening knives to get into the belt anyway go.With my long black wig, my body painted tan, and a few pieces of metal, I looked like a man-made creature.

... Where did I just say?Oh yes, Ryan met Dane and his mates in Rome last week.They go out and have fun together.Ryan insisted on reconciliation, which saved Dane's predicament.It was one night, everything was there.Except, of course, that there are no women.Can you imagine Dane on his knees in some sleazy Roman bar, looking over a bottle of daffodils and saying, "Beautiful daffodils, we hurried to see you, weeping for youth "What is it like?He tried for ten minutes to say that coherently, but he couldn't, and then he gave up and did a dance with a sprig of daffodils between his teeth.Can you imagine Dane doing something like this?It's harmless, it's necessary, says Wren, all work and no play, bright kids make dumb, and so on.Without a woman present, the best thing to do next is to be full of dirty soup.Presumably Wren insisted on this.Don't think that this happens all the time, it doesn't.I figured that whenever it did, Rain must be the culprit, like that.He could stand aside and watch them innocent, inexperienced fools.However, I couldn't help laughing when I thought of Dane's halo disappearing when he danced the gypsy with a daffodil in his mouth.

① The maid of the Egyptian Queen Cleopatra, see Shakespeare's "Antony and Cleopatra" and Shaw's "Caesar and Cleopatra". -- Annotation Dane spent eight springs and autumns in Rome and obtained the priesthood; at the beginning, no one thought that these eight years would come to an end.Yet those eight years passed faster than anyone on Drogheda could have imagined.All they could think of, except that he would return to Australia, was that they did not know what he would do when he was ordained.Only Meggie and Justine doubted that he would stay in Italy; though, when Meggie recalled his return home once a year, the doubts were lessened.He's Australian and he'd like to go back home.As for Justine, that's another story.No one could have imagined that she would come home once and for all.She was an actress; her career would be dead in Australia.And Dane was the same no matter where he pursued his career.

So, during those eight years, when the children came home for their annual vacation, there were no plans for what to do with them; instead, the people of Drogheda planned a trip to Rome to see Dane Conferred the priesthood. "We finally failed," said Meggie. "What are you talking about, dear?" Anne asked. They were sitting reading in a warm corner of the verandah, but Meggie's book fell on her lap and was forgotten.She watches absently the antics of two yellow (ridge) (ling) birds on the lawn.It was a rainy year; there were worms everywhere, and the birds were so fat and happy as never had been seen.From dawn to dusk.The surroundings are always filled with the chirping of birds.

"I say we've failed at last," Meggie repeated loudly. "A damp firecracker. All hope lost! Who would have guessed it when we got to Drogheda in 1927?" "what do you mean?" "A total of six sons, plus me. A year later, two more sons. What do you think? Will there be a dozen children, fifty grandchildren? Now look at us. Ha Hall and Stu died, and none of the living seemed to intend to marry. And I, the only one not eligible to continue the name, became the only one who gave Drogheda an heir. Even so, the gods were not happy, yes A son and a daughter. You might think, at least one grandchild. But what? My son was ordained, and my daughter was an old working woman. A Dead end on Drogheda."

"I don't see what's weird about that," said Anne. "What do you expect from men? Coy as kangaroos nailed to the place, never seeing any girl they might marry. As for Jens and Patsy, they fought again. When Can you see him marry when Jans and Daupasi can't? They love each other too much to marry. Also, this land needs a neutral state. It takes what they've given Because I don't think they have much. I mean from a physical point of view. Didn't it make you weak too, Meggie? Let's just say, your family isn't a very sexy family. Strong family. That affected Dane and Justine too. I mean, there are some people who have sex like tomcats, but not you guys. Although, Justine might Get married. There's still a German guy like Rainer, and she seems to like him very much."

"You're on point," said Meggie, not relieved. "She seems to like him very much. That's all. She's known him for seven years, after all. If she wanted to marry him, she would have done so years ago." "Really? I know Justine pretty well," Annie replied truthfully, because she did; she knew Justine better than anyone else on Drogheda, including Meggie and Fay. "Because she was afraid, I think, of exposing herself to the kind of responsibilities that love and marriage entail. I must say, I admire Rainer. He seemed to understand her. Well, I'm not saying he's definitely in love with her; But if he really loves her, he'll at least have the idea of ​​waiting until she's ready to take decisive action." She leaned forward, and her book fell to the tiled floor, forgotten. "Oh, are you listening to that bird? I'm sure the nightingale is no match for that." Then she began to say what she had been wanting to say for weeks. "Meggie, why didn't you come to Rome to see Dane ordained? Isn't that a special thing? Dane - ordained."

"I'm not going to Rome!" she said through clenched teeth. "I will never leave Drogheda again." "Meggie, come on! You can't let him down like this! Go! If you don't go, there won't even be a Drogheda woman in there, because you're the only one old enough to fly. But I told You, if I thought for a minute that my body would make it through. I'd be on a plane in no time." "Go to Rome and see Ralph de Bricassart? I shall die instead!" "Oh, Meggie, Meggie! Why do you blame him and your son for your setbacks? You said it once - it was your own fault. So pack up your pride and go to Rome .please!"

"It's not about pride." She trembled. "Oh, Annie, I'm afraid to go there! Because I don't believe it, I just don't believe it! The hairs on my hair stand on end at the thought of going there." "What if he doesn't come back after he becomes a priest? Haven't you thought about it? He probably won't be turned away from his seminary life, so if he stays in Rome, you You'd better go there yourself, if you want to see him. Come to Rome, Meggie!" "I can't go. If only you knew how terrified I am! Not because of pride, not because Ralph will be a head taller than me, or because I will say something that will stop people from questioning me." God knows, I miss my two men so much that if for a minute I thought they needed me, I'd crawl on my knees to meet them. Oh, Dane would be glad to see me. But what about Ralph ?He has forgotten my existence. I tell you, I am afraid. I know in my heart that if I go to Rome, something will happen. So I am not going." "God see you, what's going to happen?" "Don't know... if I go, I'll wrestle with something. A feeling. How can I fight a feeling? Because it never dies. It's a premonition. Like the gods Gathering." Annie laughed. "You're really becoming an old lady, Meggie, forget it!" "I can't, I can't! And I'm an old lady." "Bullshit, you're rightly middle-aged. Young enough to jump on a plane." "Oh, leave me alone for a while!" said Meggie roughly, picking up her book. Occasionally a group of people will meet in Rome for a purpose.They did not do it for sightseeing, to catch glimpses of the sensuality of past heydays in surviving ruins; nor did they use Rome as a place to pass the time between stopovers as they traveled from point A to point B.This is a group of people with one feeling: full of pride as they come to see a son, a nephew, a cousin or a friend be ordained in the basilica of the oldest church in the world.Some of this group lived in low-level apartments, some in luxurious hotels, and some lived in the homes of friends or relatives.But they are all very harmonious, and they live in peace with each other and have nothing to do with the world.They do a series of things dutifully; visiting the Sistine Chapel at the end of the Vatican Museum is like a reward for the pain of the journey; there are ancient Roman town squares, amphitheatres, Rome and Avenue des Militaryes, the Spanish Steps, the greedy Trevi Springs, sound and light shows at monuments.They kill the day, waiting for that day.They will receive the honor of being received by the Pope in person. For them, there is nothing more exciting in Rome than this. ①The famous church in the Vatican is famous for the Zenith Mountain of the Italian Renaissance sculptor and painter Michelangelo and the murals of other artists. -- Annotation As before, it wasn't Dane who met Justine on the platform this time; he had already started his retreat.It was Rainer Mollin Hasson who met her, prowling the tiled floor like a great beast.He didn't kiss her when he greeted her, never kissed, he just put his arm around her shoulder and pressed it tightly. "Reiner was like a bear," Justine said. "A bear?" "When I first saw you, I thought you were a transitional creature between man and ape, but I finally decided that you were more like a bear than an ape. An ape is a mean creature." Compared." "Is it lenient to be compared to a bear?" "Well, maybe they can kill people quickly too; but they're a lot dumber." She put her arms around his, taking as big strides as she was almost as tall as he was. "How's Dane? Did you see him before his retreat? I'll kill Clyde if I don't go sooner." "Dain is just as usual." "Did you not lead him astray?" "Me? Of course not. You look very pretty, girl." "I've been very discreet. I've bought out every lady who owns a chic dress shop in London. Do you like my new dress? They call it a miniskirt." "Go ahead of me and I'll tell you." The hem of the gold silk skirt was half-thigh; it writhed as she turned and walked back to him. "Raine, what do you think? Ugly? I don't see anyone wearing skirts of that length in Paris." "My girl, it confirms a point - with your pretty legs, a skirt would look ugly even a millimeter longer. I'm sure the Romans would agree with me." "Which means my ass gets black and blue in an hour instead of a day. Fuck 'em! But you know one thing, Ryan?" "What's up." "I've never been pinched by a priest. In all the years I've been in and out of the Vatican, I haven't had a pinch at all to add credit to my face. So I thought, maybe in a miniskirt, I can still seduce someone. Poor prelate." "You drive me crazy." He smiled. "Really? In this orange dress? I thought, since I have orange hair, you hate me in orange." "This dazzling color intensifies the senses." "You're making fun of me," she said disgustedly, and hurried into his Mosdis, which had a small German pennant flying from its hood. "When did you get this little flag?" "When I took up my new job in government." "No wonder I was honored to be mentioned in the News of the World! Did you see that?" "You know, I never read a newspaper, Justine." "Oh, me too; someone showed it to me," she said, and then she raised her voice a bit, with a tone of self-deprecation. "Some very promising red-haired Australian actress wishes to form an unusually sincere friendship with a member of the West German cabinet." "They have no way of knowing how long we've known each other." He said quietly, stretching his legs to make himself more comfortable. Justine looked up and down his suit with approving glances; very casual, very Italian.He was European in every way, daring to wear a fishnet shirt, the kind that makes Italian men show their chest hair. "You shouldn't be wearing a suit, collar, and tie anymore," she said suddenly. "really? Why?" "You must be a manly type of person - you know, you are now, with gold bouquets and chains on your hairy chest. The suit makes you look like you have a bucket waist, but you are not at all." ." For a moment he looked at her in surprise, then his eyes became alert when she called him "a concentrated, thoughtful appearance." "For the first time ever," he said. "What first time?" "I've known you for seven years, and you've never judged my looks before, except maybe with contempt for my looks." "Oh, dear, is it?" she asked, looking a little ashamed. "My God, I've always thought so, never with contempt," she added hastily, for some reason. "I mean, there's never been contempt for things like how you look in a suit." He didn't answer, but he was smiling, as if thinking of something very pleasant. Riding with Rainer seemed like the last leisurely thing to do in a few days.Not long after they had visited Cardinal de Bricassart and Cardinal di Contini-Verches, the limousine that Rainer had hired dropped the small party from Drogheda to their hotel.Out of the corner of her eye, Justine watched Rainer's reaction to her family, to all her uncles. Up until now, her eyes hadn't found her mother's face. Justine was sure she would change her mind. From Rome.It was a cruel blow, however, that she did not come; and Justine did not know whether she felt more for Dane than for her mother.However, the uncles have all come here.Needless to say, she was their mistress. Oh, how shy they are!It's hard to tell who's who, and the older they get, the more alike they look.In Rome, they stand out as -- well, like Australian ranchers vacationing in Rome.Everyone wore the kind of uniform that well-to-do sheep ranchers come to town: tan riding boots with elastic sides, gray trousers, a very heavy tan blazer with the side flaps showing Fluffy wool, stitched with many leather patches, wearing a white shirt, knitted wool tie, and a gray hat with a flat top and wide brim.The outfit, which was commonplace on the streets of Sydney during the Great Eastern Fair, looked quaint in late summer in Rome. I can say with twice as much sincerity, thank goodness, thanks to Ryan!How well he got on with them.I didn't believe anyone could get Patsy to talk, but he did it, praise him.They talked like old friends, where did he get them Australian beer?He likes them, I think, and he's interested.A couple that would grind everything to pieces at a German industrialist-statesman?As he is, how can he stick to his faith?An incredible person.This is you, Rainer Maureen Hasson, friend of the Pope and Cardinal, friend of Justine O'Neill.Oh, I would have kissed you if you hadn't, and I can't thank you enough.God, imagine what it would be like to be in Rome with your uncles without Rain!You are so timely. He leaned back in his chair and listened to Bob tell him about shearing; there was nothing else to do because he took care of everything.Justine looked at him inexplicably. Most of the time, she was able to notice everything about other people's bodies immediately, but only very occasionally, her vigilance would relax and let people take advantage of it; Someone left a scratch on his own life before he could make that all-important initial valuation.If I let go of making this initial appraisal, sometimes years would fly by as they re-entered her mind as strangers, as now watching Rain.Of course, this was due to the first meeting. She was surrounded by church personnel, awe-inspiring and trembling. She had the cheek to hang around there.She only noticed the obvious: his muscular build, his hair, how dark he was.Then, when he took her to dinner, the opportunity for correction was lost, because he forced her to pay attention to qualities other than his physical features; up. He wasn't ugly at all, she decided now.Perhaps, his appearance was just that, a mixture of the best and the worst.Like a Roman emperor.No wonder he loves the city.This is his spiritual hometown.His face was broad, with high cheekbones and a small hooked nose.Twice thick black, straight rather than curved with the curve of the eye sockets.The black eyelashes were very long and feminine, and the dark eyes were lovely, and usually concealed his thoughts.The most beautiful thing was his mouth, neither thick nor thin, neither big nor small, but very well shaped, well defined, and he gave them a firm expression; As soon as Jin relaxes, maybe the secret of his true face will be exposed.It was interesting to dissect a face that was both familiar and totally unfamiliar. She came out of her trance and realized that he was aware of her watching her.She felt that she had exposed everything in front of him.For a moment his gaze rested on hers, wide and alert; he was not entirely surprised, but attracted to her.Then he turned his eyes calmly to Bob and asked a very pertinent question about shearing.Justine felt a shock in her heart, and warned herself not to be careless.But it's so charming, to suddenly see a man who's been a friend for many years as a lover, without resentment. There had been a few follow-ups after Arthur Lestrange, but she hadn't had much fun.Oh, I've come a long way since that haunting night.However, I don't know if I'm actually moving forward?It was a great pleasure to have a man, but to be with a man, as Dane said, was horrible.I'm not going to make this a one man affair, so I'm not going to sleep with Ryan.Oh no.This will change a lot of things and I will lose my friend.I shall enjoy him as much as Dane, a male who means nothing to me physically. The church can hold 20,000 people, so it is not crowded.Nowhere in the world has so much time, thought, and ingenuity been invested in building a temple of God that it pales in comparison with pagan ancient architecture.It is what it is.Unrestrained love, full of tenderness.Bramante basilica, Michelangelo's ceiling painting, Panini colonnade.This is not only a monument to God, but also a monument to man.Underneath a small stone hut is the burial of Saint Peter; it is here that Charlemagne was crowned.Old voices seemed to linger in the silvery light that poured in. Behind the towering altar, numb fingers polished the bronze to shine, caressing the twisted bronze pillars on the canopy. He was lying on the steps with his head bowed as if dead.What was he thinking about?Was it his pain that he had no right to be there because his mother hadn't come?Cardinal Ralph watched him through his tears, and he knew he wasn't in pain.Beforehand, it was pain.Afterwards, of course, pain.But now there is no pain.He put his heart and soul into that great moment.In his heart there was no place for anything but God.The day was the same as always, and nothing mattered except the hard work that lay ahead--devoting one's life and soul to God.He might be able to do that, but how are many others actually doing?Cardinal Ralph was not wholehearted, though he still remembered his own ordination with holy wonder.He tried with all his might to do this, yet he always had some kind of reservation. My ordination was not as solemn and solemn as this time, but I experienced another ordination through him.Don't know what he actually is, and though we worry about him, he's lived among us so long that he hasn't made a bad face with anyone, let alone a real enemy.Everyone loves him, and he loves everyone.It never crossed his mind for a single moment that there was anything special about this upper-class affair.When he first came to us, however, he was not so sure of himself; we gave him confidence, for which perhaps our presence was justified.Many priests have been produced here, thousands; yet there is always something different about him.Oh Meggie!Why don't you come and see this gift which you have given to my Lord - a gift which I cannot offer myself?I think that's why he's here today out of pain.Because today I have been able to suffer on his behalf and free him from it.I cry for him, I mourn for him.That's the way things should be. After a moment he turned to look at the line of Droghedans in exotic black.Bob, Jack, Hughie, Jens, Patsy.An empty chair was Meggie's, followed by Frank.Justine, with her fiery red hair peeking out from beneath a black lace hood, was the only Cleary woman present.Rainer was beside her.Then came a group of people he didn't know, but they all came like the Droghedas.Only today is different, today is a special day for him.Today he almost felt as if he too had a son.He smiled.sighed.How would Vittorio feel about giving him Dane's teaching job? Perhaps it was because Dane felt his mother's absence so strongly that he managed to place Justine next to him at the banquet held in his honor by Cardinal Vittorio and Cardinal Ralph. .She thought, in his black cassock and high white collar, he looked very attractive, not like a priest at all.He was like an actor playing a priest until he looked him in the eye.There was an inner radiance in those eyes which could turn a very handsome man into an unrivaled human being. "Father O'Neill," she said. "Justine, I'm not quite a priest yet." "There's nothing difficult about it. I've never felt like I was behaving in the manner of St. Peter, so I can't imagine what it must be like for you." "Oh, I think you can imagine it, somewhere inside of you. If you really couldn't imagine it, you wouldn't be such a good actor. But, Justine, it's in you It happens unconsciously; it doesn't get into your mind until you need to use it." They sat on a small couch in the far corner of the room, and no one came to disturb them. After a while, he said, "I'm so glad Frank's here." He looked where Frank was talking to Rainer, and his face had a freshness that neither niece nor nephew had ever seen. "I knew a Romanian priest who took refuge," Dane went on, "and he had a way of saying, oh, poor man! There was pity in his voice...I don't know how, but somehow I found that I always So about our Frank. But why, Justine." However, Justine didn't answer the question, she walked straight to the cross. "I could kill Mom!" she said through her teeth. "She has no right to do this to you!" "Oh, Justine, I can understand. You've got to try to understand too. I'd be sad if it was out of spite or revenge on me, but you know her as well as I do. You know that Not for either of those reasons. I'm going to Drogonda soon. I'll talk to her then and see what's going on." "I don't think a daughter is as patient with her mother as a son is." She pulled the corners of her mouth down in frustration and shrugged. "Maybe it's better for me to be an outlier so that I don't have to suffer as a mother." Those blue eyes were very benevolent, soft; Justine felt angry, and she thought Dane was pitying her. "Why don't you marry Rainer?" he asked suddenly. Her jaw dropped and she felt suffocated. "He never asked me," she said feebly. "It's just because he doesn't think you're going to say yes. Maybe it can be arranged, though." Without even thinking about it, she grabbed his ears, just like they did when they were children. "Don't you dare, you bloody fool. Don't say a word, you hear? I don't love Rainer! He's just a friend, and I want things to stay that way. If you I swear, I'll sit there, close my eyes, and give you a good beating. Do you remember how you used to be afraid of the living day leaving you?" He wrenched his head back, laughing. "That's not working, Justine! I'm more magical than you these days. You don't have to be so sarcastic about it, though. I was wrong, that's it. I thought there was something between you and Rainer." "No, no. After seven years of dating? Forget it, there are all kinds of surprises." She paused, as if looking for something to say, and then looked at him almost shyly. "I'm so happy for you, Dane. I think Mum would feel the same way if she was here. It's absolutely necessary to show her what you're doing now. You just wait, she'll change her mind." ." He quickly took her pointed face between his hands and smiled down at her with such love that she raised her hand and grasped his wrist; a love that penetrated every pore , she is like all the childhood memories, which are cherished. But, behind his eyes, she sensed a vague doubt; maybe doubt was too much of a word, more like apprehension, and he was pretty sure Mom would understand in the end, but he was a Man, he is everything man is except the fact that he intends to forget. "Justine, can you do something for me?" he said as he let her go. "Anything goes," she said, and it was true. "I've been given a short break to think about what I'm going to do in the future, for two months. After I've talked to my mum, will be figuring it out on horseback in Drogheda- don't know What, I don't think I can put anything in order until I talk to my mother. But first, (Mother)... I had to work up the courage to go home. So, if you can think If you can, just go to the Greek peninsula with me for two or three weeks, and give me a good-natured reprimand for my cowardice, until I get tired of your voice, and I'll get on a plane out of there." He smiled at her. "Besides, Justine, I definitely don't want you to think I'm going to cut you out of my life, and I certainly don't want Mom to think so. You need to wake up your old morals once in a while." "Oh Dane, of course I would!" "Okay," he said, then grinned and looked at her mischievously. "我确实需要你，朱丝婷。有你揪我的耳朵，就象回到了从前似的。" "喂--喂--喂！别说难听话了，奥尼尔神父！" 他用胳膊揽住了她的头，满意地往长沙发上一靠。"我就是！这不是妙极了吗？也许，在我见过妈之后。我就能一心一意侍奉上帝了。你知道，我认为这正是我爱好之所在。一心只想着上帝。" "戴恩，你应该拥有一个教团。" "我还能办到，我也许会这样的。我还有一辈子的时间呢，不用着急。" 朱丝婷是和雷纳一起离开宴会的。在她说到她要和戴恩一起去希腊之后，他说他要去在波恩的办公室。 "该到时候了，"她说道。"作为一个内阁部长你好像没有做多少工作，是吗？所有的报纸都管你叫花花公子，昏头涨脑地和红头发的澳大利亚女演员周旋，你呀，你这个老狗。" 他冲她挥了挥硕大的拳头。"我得到乐趣的办法比你知道的要多得多呢。" "咱们走一走你在意吗，雷恩？" "要是你穿鞋的话，我就不在意。" "这两天我不得不穿鞋。超短裙也有缺点，可以轻而易举地脱掉的长统袜时代结束了。他们发明了一种极薄的演戏用的紧身衣裤，由于高达娃太太的缘故，一个人要在公共场合把它脱下来而又不引起极大的愤怒是办不到的。因此，除非我想毁掉五个几尼①一条的紧身衣裤，否则我就得受鞋的约束。" ①旧英国金币，一几尼合现在的二十一先令。 -- Annotation "至少你使我在妇女服装方面的教育水平得到了提高，这方面的知识我既不够标准又是门外汉。"他温和地说。 "再胡编！我敢打赌，你有一打情妇，而且你还给她们脱衣服呢。" "只有一个，象所有的好情妇一样，她是穿长睡衣等我的。" "你知道吗？我相信咱们以前从来没说起过你的性生活。真有意思！她是什么样？" "又白又胖，40岁，很自负。" 她一动不动地站住了。"噢，你在戏弄我，"她慢慢地说道。"我看不出你有那样一个女人。" "为什么呢？" "你的口味很高。" "各有所好嘛①，亲爱的。我本人没有任何起眼的地方--为什么你认为我能迷住一个既年轻又漂亮的女人，使她成为我的情妇呢？" ①原文是法文"Chaeunsonogot"。 -- Annotation "因为你能！"她愤慨地说道。"哦，你当然能！" "你指的是我的钱财吗？" "不，不是你的钱财！你在捉弄我，你总是这样！雷纳·莫尔林·哈森，你非常清楚你的魅力，要不然你不会穿金色团花和网纹衬衫的。外貌并不是一切--倘若是的话，我会感到奇怪的。" "你对我的关心是令人伤感的，好姑娘。" "为什么我和你在一起的时候，我感到我似乎永远在后面赶，可总赶不上呢？"她那突然爆发的怒火熄灭了；她站在那里，拿不准地望着他。"你不是认真说的，对吗？" "你认为我不认真吗？" "不，你并不自负，可是你确实知道你是非常有吸引力的。" "不管我知道还是不知道，都没什么了不起的。重要的是，你认为我是有吸引力的。" 她想说：当然，我是这样认为的；不久之前，我在内心试图把你当作情人，但是后来我断定，这是行不通的。我宁愿把你当作朋友。要是他让她把这番话讲出来，他便会推论时机尚未成熟，行动也就会不一样了。事情正如发生的那样，在她没有说出口之前，他已经搂住了她，正在吻着她。她至少站了有60秒钟，一动不动，张开了嘴，完全垮下来了；那欣喜若狂地喊叫的力量被另一种足以之匹敌的力量所代替。他的嘴--真漂亮啊！而他的头发厚得令人难以置信，充满生气，某种东西强烈地支配着她的手指。随后，他双手捧起了她的脸。微笑着望着她。 "我爱你。"他说。 她抬起手抓住了他的手腕，但并不是轻轻地搂着，象攥着戴恩的手腕那样；她的指甲嵌了进去，猛地嵌进了他的皮肉里。她往回退了两步，恐惧地睁大了眼睛，胸脯起伏着。 "这行不通的，"她气喘吁吁地说着。"这是决行不通的，雷恩！" 她脱掉了鞋，弯腰捡了起来，转过身去，跑了；在两秒之内，她那脚拍打地面的轻柔而迅速的声音逐渐消失了。 他根本没打算去追她，尽管她显然认为他会这样的。他的两只手腕都渗出了血，它们受伤了。他用手绢在一只腕子上按了按，又在另一只腕子上按了按，耸了耸肩膀，拥掉了那块沾了血迹的手绢。他站在那里，精神都集中在那疼痛上。过了一会儿，他掏出烟盒，取了一支烟，燃着，然后开始慢腾腾地走着。从身边经过的人从他的脸上根本看不出他的感情。他得到了想得到的一切，又失去了。愚蠢的姑娘。什么时候她才能成熟起来呢？她感受到了它，对它作出反应，又拒绝了。 但他是个赌徒，是那种赢得起，也输得起的人。在尝试运气之余他已经等了七年，在这次圣职授任的时候才感到时机到了。然而，他的行动显然太早了。Ah well.总会有明天的--或许要了解朱丝婷得到明年、后年。当然，他并不打算放弃。要是他谨慎地看住她，总有一天他会走运的。 大声的笑使他身上直颤。又白又肥，40岁，自负。不知道是什么神使鬼差地叫他说出这些话来的，除了很久之前，他的前妻曾对他讲过这个。这四个"F"①描画出了典型的胆结石患者的样子。她就是一个胆结石的长期患者，可怜的安妮莱斯，尽管她皮肤黑，骨瘦如柴，50岁，象瓶子中的阿拉伯妖怪那样受着管制。现在我想安妮莱斯干嘛？我多年来捺性定心的活动被搞成了一团糟，我所能做的几乎和可怜的安妮莱斯一样。好吧，朱丝婷·奥尼尔小姐！咱们走着瞧吧。 ①英语中"皮肤白皙"（Fair），"肥胖"（Fat），"四十岁"（Forty）和"自负"（Flatulent）都是"F"开头。 -- Annotation 宫殿的窗子里依然灯火通明；他要上去呆几分钟，和拉尔夫红衣主教聊聊。他显得苍老了。他的身体不好，也许应该说服他去做一次医学检查。雷纳心头在发疼，但并不是为了朱丝婷，她是个年轻人，还有的是时间。他是为拉尔夫红衣主教心疼，他已经看到自己的儿子得到了圣职，可是还不知底蕴呢。 天还早，旅馆的门厅里人来人往。朱丝婷已经穿上了鞋，快步穿过门左向楼梯走去，低着头，跑了上去。随后，有那么一阵工夫，她那只发抖的手在提包里找不到房间的钥匙；她想，不得不再下楼去，鼓起勇气挤进服务台旁边的人群中。可是钥匙在这里；她的手指一定在上面来回摸了十几遍。 终于进了房间，她摸到床边，在床沿上坐下来，逐渐恢复了思想的条理。她告诉自己，她感到了厌恶、恐惧和幻灭，她一直忧郁地呆望着透过窗户投进户内的长方形的苍白的夜光，她想要咒骂，想哭。再也不能重演了，这是一场悲剧。失去了最亲密的朋友。这是背叛。 空洞的言词，虚假不实；突然之间，她一下子全然明白是什么使她如此恐惧，使她连吻都没吻他，便从雷纳的身边飞跑而去，就好象他有杀人企图似的。这是由于这件事是正当的！是因为她觉得返回故乡和承担爱情的责任都差不多，这时候她反倒起了归家的感觉。家是令人灰心丧气的，爱情也同样如此。还不仅是这样，尽管承认这一点使人觉得丢脸；她不敢肯定她是否能爱。如果说她能爱的话，那肯定是有那么一两次她的警觉性放松了；肯定是有那么一两回她在她那有数的情人那里体验到的是某种肉体的痛苦，而不是某种能够容忍的钟爱之情。她从来没想到过，她所选择的情人对她没有任何威办--她想分手就分手，她能够完全自主地保持着自认为很重要的独立判断。她觉得失去了主心骨，这在她一生。中还是第一次。过去，能使她从中得到慰藉的时刻是没有的，不管是她还是那些不明不白的情人一次都没有深陷其中而不能自拔。德罗海达的人们帮不了她的忙，因为她自己一直拒绝他们的帮助。 她不得不从雷恩身边跑开。让她表示赞同，使她对他承担义务，随后，当他发现她爱的程度不充分的时候，让她不得不眼巴巴地看着他甩手而去吗？这是不能容忍的！她要告诉他她实际上是怎样一个人，那样就能斩断他对她的爱了。以明确的答应开始，以终生的冷漠而结束，这是令人不能忍受的。她还是拒绝此事要好得多。这种作法，至少可以满足自尊心，而朱丝婷一分不差地继承了她母亲的自尊。雷恩一定是从没发现在她那表面的轻率浮躁之下她到底是怎样的人。 他爱上的是他眼睛所看到的那个朱丝婷；她不允许他有任何机会去觉察到她内心深处那种多疑泛滥的禀性。这些只有戴恩觉察到了，--不，是了解到了。 她向前一俯身，前额顶着床边那张冰冷的桌子，泪落滔滔。当然，这就是她为什么这样爱戴恩。他了解朱丝婷其人，但依然爱她。他倾力相助，同样分享一生中的回忆、难题、痛苦和欢乐。然而雷恩却是个陌路人，不会象戴恩那样对待她的，甚至象她家里的其他人那样对待她都办不到。没有任何东西非要他爱她不可。 她直起了身子，用手掌在脸上擦着，耸了耸肩，开始做另一件不同的事，把她的困恼推回到她头脑中的某个角落中去，在那里它可以平平安安地呆着，不会被记起。她知道她可以办到这一点；她用了一生的时辨纯熟地掌握了这种技巧。它仅仅意味着不停地活动，持续不断地沉溺在身外事中。她伸出手去，打开了身旁的灯。 一定是一位舅舅把这封信送到她房间里来的，因为它放在桌子旁边。这是一封淡蓝色的航空信，信封的上角印着伊丽莎白女王的头像。 "亲爱的朱丝婷，"克莱德·多廷汉姆-艾伯特的信写道。"赶快归队，需要你！立刻！新的演出季节的剧目中正在征求一个角色，一个瘦小的姑娘告诉我说，你正想扮演这个角色。是苔丝德蒙娜，怎么样，亲爱的？由马克·辛普森演你的奥赛罗如何①？主角排练下个星期开始，如果你有兴趣的话。" ①苔丝德蒙娜和奥赛罗是莎土比亚的悲剧《奥赛罗》中的主角。 -- Annotation