Chapter 21 A Gentle Woman——Fantasy Novel-2

"Yes, they judged me a coward. But I refused to fight, not because I was cowardly, but because I did not want to submit to their insolent judgment, and to agree to a duel when I did not think myself insulted. You know," I couldn't help it now, "that it takes far more courage to take action against such insolence, and to bear all the consequences of it, than to engage in any duel." I couldn't restrain myself, and seemed to defend myself with this sentence; and that was exactly what she needed, a new humiliation for me, and she laughed gloatingly. "Is it true that for the next three years you roamed the streets of Petersburg like a bum, asking for half-kopecks and sleeping under pool tables?"

"I also spent the night at the Vyazemsky compound on Haymarket. Yes, it is true. In my life after leaving the infantry regiment, I have committed many scandalous and depraved acts, but not spiritual depravity." , because even then I was the first to hate my actions. It was only a corruption of my will and intelligence, and it was only caused by the desperation of my situation. But these are in the past.  …” "Ah, now you're a big man, a rich man!" This is a hint that I opened a pawn shop.But I've got myself under control.I found that she was eager for some humiliating explanation, but I didn't.Just then a pawn rang the bell, and I went to receive him in the outer hall.At the end of an hour she was suddenly dressed, and when she was about to go out, she stood before me and said: "But you never told me about that before you got married, did you?"

I didn't answer, and she left. So came the next day, and I stood behind the door of this room listening to my fate, with a pistol in my pocket.She was fully dressed and sat at the table, while Efimovitch swayed and swayed before her.And it turned out (and I say this to save myself), exactly what I had expected and imagined, though I didn't realize I had expected and expected it.I don't know if I've made this point clear. The result was this: I listened for a whole hour, and during that whole hour I heard with my own ears a noble-minded, bright-spirited woman take on a corrupt, dull-witted, mean-spirited fellow of high society. It is a well-known place for the low-level people in Petersburg to have fun. There are many low-level pubs and restaurants, and it is a large four-story building.

Case.I was amazed; where did this innocent, mild-mannered, taciturn woman know all this?Not even the wittiest comedy writer in high society could have written a play full of sneering, innocent laughter, and the sanctity of virtue over vice.How much sparkle there was in her words, in her few words!How sharp were her swift replies, how much truth was in her reprimands!Contains as much girlish innocence at the same time.She laughed at his explanations of love to his face, at his gestures, at his proposals.He had acted hastily, had come rashly, hadn't expected resistance, and had suddenly collapsed.I thought at first she was just coquettish--"a flirtatious and playful woman who coquettishes only to inflate herself." But no, the truth is as bright as the sun, and you can't doubt it .She, inexperienced, had only made up her mind about this tryst out of feigned, fitful hatred of me, but her eyes opened as soon as the subject came to the fore.This girl just wanted to hurt my face, no matter what method she used, but when she made up her mind to do such a dirty thing, she finally couldn't stand the indecent insult.Could Efimovich, or some other scoundrel in high society, seduce her, a pure, innocent woman with ideals?On the contrary, all he aroused was laughter.All truth rose from her soul, and anger stirred the sneer in her breast.I repeat, the buffoon sat at last utterly disheartened, downcast, frowning, and scarcely able to speak to answer, and I even thought he would risk hurting her out of base vindictiveness.I say it again: to my honor, I watched the whole scene with little surprise.I seemed to meet a familiar face, and I seemed to be there to greet this face.When I went, I didn't believe anything, not any accusation, although I had a pistol in my pocket, that's the truth!Can I imagine her in another way?Why do I love her, why do I respect her, why do I marry her?Ah, of course, I believed too much in how much she hated me at the time, but I believed in her innocence.I suddenly opened the door and ended the scene.Efimovich jumped up, and I took her by the hand, and asked her to go out with me.Efimovitch collected himself, and suddenly laughed loudly, like the rumble of thunder.

"Ah, the sacred rights of husband and wife, I have no objection, take it away, take it away! You know," he called out behind me, "although decent people won't fight with you, but out of respect for your wife, if you dare to risk... I am willing to obey your orders..." "Did you hear me!" I asked her to stop for a second on the road. Later, on the way home, I didn't say a word.I took her hand, but she didn't resist.On the contrary, she looked very surprised, but only until she got home.Once home, she sat in a chair and stared straight at me.She was extremely pale, her mouth was immediately mocking, but her eyes were solemnly defiant, and for the first few minutes she was evidently convinced that I would kill her with a pistol.But without a word I took the pistol out of my pocket and put it on the table.She looked at me and at the pistol. (Please note: she is familiar with this pistol. I have bought this pistol since I opened the pawnshop, and I have always loaded it. When I opened the pawnshop, I decided not to be like Moser. No big dogs, no strong servants. The cook in my house opened the door for customers. However, people in our business cannot be unprepared and must have the ability to defend themselves, so I bought this loaded pistol. She was very interested in the gun the first few days she came to my house, asking questions, I even explained the construction of the gun to her, and once convinced her to put it on the target One shot. Please pay attention to all this.) I did not pay attention to her frightened eyes.Take off your coat and lie on the bed.I was already feeling very weak, and it was almost eleven o'clock at night.She continued to sit where she had been, and remained motionless for nearly another hour.Then she put out the candle and lay down on the sofa by the wall without undressing.This is the first time she hasn't slept with me, please pay attention to this...

VI Terrible Memories Now for terrible memories... When I woke up in the morning, I think it was past seven o'clock, because the room was already very bright.I was fully awake at once, and suddenly my eyes opened.She was standing at the table with a gun in both hands.She didn't notice that I was awake and looking at her.Suddenly I noticed that she was holding the gun in both hands and started walking towards me.I quickly closed my eyes and pretended to be sleeping soundly. She walked to the bed and stood in front of me.I heard everything, and though it was a dead silence, I also heard the silence.Then there was a convulsive movement, and I opened my eyes suddenly and unwillingly, and I couldn't help it.She looked, looking straight into my eyes, with the pistol at my temple.Our eyes met.But we only looked at each other for a blink of an eye.I squeezed my eyes shut again, and in that split second, with all my strength, I decided not to move or to open my eyes again, no matter what was waiting for me.

In fact, there is often such a situation: a sleeping person suddenly opens his eyes, even raises his head for a while, looks around the room, but after a while, puts his head on the pillow unconsciously, falls asleep, and does not know anything afterwards. can't remember. When I met her gaze and felt that the pistol was on my temple, I suddenly closed my eyes again and remained motionless, like a person in deep sleep.Surely she probably thought I was really sleeping and didn't see anything.It would be utterly unbelievable that she, seeing what I saw, should close her eyes again in such a dark moment.

Yes, unbelievable.However, she still guessed the real situation-this is the idea that suddenly flashed into my mind, everything appeared at that moment. Ah, what a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings have passed through my mind in the blink of an eye!Long live the lightning thoughts of men!In this case (I think), if she had guessed the truth, and knew that I was not asleep, then my determination to accept death would have overwhelmed her, and her gun hand would now tremble, her previous Determination can be shattered by new, out-of-the-ordinary impressions.It is said that people standing on a high place seem to feel that they want to run down and fly into the bottomless abyss.

I think a lot of suicides and homicides happen simply because a pistol is already in hand.This is also a bottomless abyss, a forty-five-degree slope that you have to slide down, and then there will be some irresistible force that tells you to pull the trigger.But, realizing that I see everything, know everything, and am silently waiting for her to beat herself to death, she might not be sliding down the slope. The silence continued, when suddenly I felt something cold touch the hair next to my temple.You will definitely ask me: Do I firmly believe that there will be no salvation?I will answer you as before God: I have no hope but one in a hundred.Why on earth should I accept death?But I ask you the other way around: what am I going to do with my life when the man I love has a pistol to kill me?Moreover, I knew with all my strength of mind and body that at this very moment there was a struggle, a terrible duel of life and death, fought by former cowards who had been driven away by their colleagues because of their cowardice. The coward.I know this, and if she has guessed the truth, that I am not asleep, then she knows it too.

Maybe that wasn't the case, maybe I didn't think about it then, but it still had to happen, even if it didn't make sense, because all I did was to think about it every moment of my life. But you ask another question: why didn't I stop her from doing this crime?Ah, I've said that question to myself a thousand times since, and each time I get chills down my spine, every time I think of this moment, chills down my spine.But my soul was in a dark despair: I was going to die, I was going to die, how could I save others?On what basis did you say that I still wanted to save people?How do you know that I could still feel?

However, my mind was like boiling a pot of water, and I was extremely nervous; the time passed by, and the room was still dead silent; she was still standing in front of me.Suddenly, hope made me tremble!I opened my eyes quickly, and she was no longer in the room.I got up from the bed: I was conquered, she was defeated forever! I went to the samovar.Our samovar was always in the first room, and she always poured the tea.I silently sat down at the table and took a cup of tea from her. After about four or five minutes I glanced at her.Her face was terribly pale, more terribly than yesterday, and she kept looking at me.All of a sudden, all of a sudden, she saw me looking at her, and a sad smile appeared on her pale lips, and there was a timid question in her eyes. "It's very likely that she is still doubting, and keeps asking herself: Does he know, does he see?" I looked away indifferently.After drinking tea, I locked up the pawnshop and went to the market to buy iron beds and screens.When I got home, I ordered the bed to be put in the hall, separated by a screen.The bed was bought for her, but I didn't say a word to her.Even if I don't speak, she understands that through this bed, I "know everything and see everything", and I no longer have any doubts.At night I kept the pistol on the table as usual.At night she lies silent in this newly purchased bed: the marriage has been dissolved, she is "defeated but not forgiven".She talked nonsense that night, and the next morning she had a fever.She has been lying down for six weeks. CHAPTER TWO I Proud Dreamlukeria has just announced that she no longer intends to live with me, and that she will leave as soon as the wife is buried.I knelt down and prayed for five minutes, and I wanted to pray for an hour, but I kept thinking about it, and thinking about painful things until my head ached. Why pray, it's just a sin!Oddly enough, I don't want to sleep: usually after a disproportionate amount of pain, after the first violent mental explosion, there is always a desire to sleep.It is said that the person sentenced to death sleeps very hard on the last night.It should be like this, it's natural, otherwise, they wouldn't be able to bear it... But I'm lying on the sofa, and I can't fall asleep... During her six weeks of illness, we—me, Lukeria, and a trained nurse assistant I hired from the hospital—watched over her day and night.Money, I don't begrudge, I even want to spend money for her.I called Dr. Shledel and paid him ten rubles for each visit.After she regained consciousness, I didn't show up much.But why am I saying this?Once she was able to get out of bed, she used to sit in silence and silence at a special table in my room, which I also bought for her at that time... Yes, we were totally No words, that's the truth; that is to say, we began to talk later, but only about everyday matters.Of course, I refrained from saying it on purpose, but it was clear to me that she seemed happy not to say a word that was unnecessary.I think it's very natural on her part: "She was so shaken and failed so badly," I thought to myself, "Everything is over, she should forget and get used to it." So we were silent, but I was secretly preparing for the future every moment, and I think she was too.For me, the most interesting thing is to speculate: what is she thinking about herself now? I would also say: ah, of course no one knows how much I suffered during her illness and groaned and sighed for her.But I groaned and sighed for myself, and even kept the pain to myself, from Lukeria.I can't imagine, I can't imagine her dying without knowing all this.I remember being quickly relieved when she was out of danger and her health was restored.In addition, I decided to push our future as far back as possible and maintain the status quo for the time being. Yes, I had a peculiar strange feeling at the time that I couldn't really name otherwise: I felt triumphant, and for me just being aware of it was enough.So passed the whole winter.Ah, I am so satisfied, I have never been more satisfied all winter. You will see: in my life there has been a terrible external situation which has oppressed me at all times up to now, that is, until the catastrophe of my wife.That's when I lost face and got kicked out of the infantry regiment.Let me say it in a few words: that was an outrageous and unreasonable injustice to me.Indeed, because I am not good at getting along with people by nature, my colleagues don't like me. Maybe everyone thinks my character is very ridiculous.It often happens, though, that what you regard as sublime, secret, and memorable to you somehow seems ridiculous to a group of your colleagues.Ah, by the way, I was never liked, even at school.Whenever and wherever people don't like me.The events in the infantry regiment, though the result of dislike for me, were undoubtedly of an accidental character.I bring this up because it is more aggrieved and unbearable than anything else, because this kind of event, which may or may not happen, ruins a person's career. The current situation can be passed by like a passing cloud.It's a personal insult to a man of knowledge.The situation is this: I was in the theater once, and during the intermission, I went to the commissary.Hussar A-v came in suddenly, and in the presence of all the officers present and the public, he spoke loudly to two other hussars, saying that the captain of our regiment, Bezumtsev, had just been messing around in the corridor and " Looks like he was drunk."The conversation did not continue, and the story was wrong, because Captain Bezumtsev was not drunk at all, and the so-called nonsense was not true.The hussars began to talk about other matters, and the matter should be concluded at this point.But the next day, the joke got into our infantry regiment, so the people in our regiment talked about it: I was the only one in our regiment at the commissary, and I was in the hussars. When I was Captain Zumtsev, I didn't go over to criticize and stop him, but why would I do that?If he had a grudge against Bezumtsev, it was a private matter between them, and why should I get involved?But the officers began to think that it was not their private matter, but that it had something to do with the entire infantry regiment, and since I was the only one of the officers of our regiment present, it showed to all the officers in the commissary and to the public that we In the regiment, some officers don't care about the reputation of themselves and the team.I disagree with this statement.Someone pointed out to me: even now there is still a way to make up for it, although it is a little late, as long as I ask A-Fu to explain it formally.I didn't want to do this, so I proudly refused in a fit of anger, and immediately handed in the discharge report, and that's the whole story.I left proudly, yet bruised.Both my willpower and my intellect took a hit.Just then I learned that my brother-in-law had squandered our small fortune in Moscow, including a poor, tiny part of me, and I was left penniless and living on the streets.I could have gotten a job in private industry, but I didn't: I couldn't just get a job on the railroad after wearing the bling of an officer's uniform.So, shame is shame, shame is shame, depravity is depravity, and the worse the better, this is my choice.Three unbearable years passed in this way, even in the Vyazemsky compound.A year and a half ago my godmother, a rich old woman, died suddenly in Moscow, and she left me three thousand rubles in her will.After I think about it, I decide my fate at once.I decided to start a pawn shop and stop asking for alms: get some money first, then find a place to stay, far away from the memories of the past, and start a new life.That's my plan.However, the dark past, the eternal damage to my reputation, haunts me all the time.But by this time I was married.Whether it was by chance or not, I don't know.But when I brought her into my house, I thought, I'm bringing back a friend, and I feel like I need a friend so badly.At the same time, I clearly see that friends need to be trained, cultivated, and even defeated.Can I explain something to this sixteen-year-old girl with deep prejudices all at once?For instance, could I have persuaded her that I was not a coward and that the infantry regiment's charges against me were not true, without the horrific occasional pistol incident?However, the pistol incident came at just the right time.After surviving the pistol incident, I let go of my dark past.Nobody knew about it, but she did, and it meant everything to me, because she was everything to me, all my hope for my future, ideally!She was the only one I had for myself, no one else was necessary--now she knew it all; at least she knew the injustice of hastening to my enemy's side.This thought made me very happy.In her mind, I am no longer a despicable villain, but at best a weirdo.But now, after all that has happened, I don't like the idea at all, because blaming is not a disadvantage, quite the opposite, and sometimes it wins women over.All in all, I deliberately postponed the solution of the problem: what had happened was enough to calm me down, and contained too many scenarios and material for my fancy.I am a fantasist, and here lies my shortcoming: I have enough material, and as for her, I think it is better to let her wait. This is how the whole winter passed in a certain anticipation.She often sat at her own table, and I liked to watch her secretly.She works, sews, and reads books from my bookcase every night.Finding books to read from my bookcase also proved to be beneficial to me.She hardly goes anywhere.Before dusk, after lunch, I take her out for walks and outdoor activities every day.But it's not like before, completely silent.I was trying to look as though we were not only not silent, but were on good terms, but, as I said, we didn't talk very deeply.I did it on purpose, and she, I think, had to "pass the time."It is of course very strange that, almost until the end of winter, it never occurred to me once that I was so fond of surreptitiously looking at her, and yet I never once caught her looking at me all winter long!I thought it was her shyness.Besides, after she was ill, she really looked so shy, gentle, and powerless.No, it's better to wait and see, "Maybe she will come to you suddenly..." This thought made me feel indescribably happy.I'll add that there are times when I seem to motivate myself on purpose and really lift my spirits and mind, as if I'm being bullied by her.This state lasted for some time.But my hatred never matured and took root in my heart.Besides, I myself feel as if this is just a game.Even with the dissolution of the marriage and the purchase of the bed and screen, I never thought of her as a criminal, indeed never.Not because I was rash in judging her guilt, but because I had the intention to completely forgive her from day one, even before I bought the bed.All in all, this is a strange thing from my side, because I have always been strict in morals.On the contrary, she seemed to me defeated, humiliated, oppressed, and I sometimes felt painfully pitiful for her, though I sometimes took great pleasure in the thought of her humiliation.The idea that we are in a different situation fits my heart well... This winter, I deliberately did a few good things.I canceled two debts that were owed to me, and I gave a sum of money to a poor woman without asking her to pledge anything.I didn't tell my wife about it either, and it wasn't at all for her to know.But the woman came to thank her in person, and almost knelt down. That's how things got publicized.It seemed to me that she would be genuinely satisfied to learn about the woman. But spring was approaching, and it was mid-April, and we took down the double windows, and the bright sun lit up our silent room.But a blindfold hung in front of me, covering my head.Deadly, dreadful veil!All of a sudden, the veil fell from my eyes, and suddenly I got light, and I saw everything clearly and understood!Was this an accidental event, or had the deadline come and the sun had illuminated the thoughts and speculations in my benumbed head?No, it wasn't a thought, it wasn't a guess, it was a sudden beating of a pulse.It was a dead pulse that began to throb, came to life, and illuminated my unconscious soul and my wicked pride.I literally jumped up from the spot.And it happened suddenly, without preparation.It happened at five o'clock after lunch, before evening. ⅡThe tarpaulin suddenly fell down. Let me say a few words first.As early as a month earlier, I had caught her oddly brooding.Not silent, but contemplative.This is what I found out of nowhere.She was sitting at work, sewing with her head down, so she didn't notice that I was looking at her.What surprised me suddenly was that she had become so thin, her face was so pale, and her lips were bloodless.All this, together with her meditations, struck me at once with a great astonishment.I've heard her low, dry cough before, especially at night.Immediately I got up, without saying a word to her, and went to ask Dr. Shreder to come to my house. Shreder came the next day.She felt very strange, looked at Shregel for a while, and looked at me for a while. "I'm not sick!" She said after smiling inexplicably. Shrejar didn't examine her carefully (these doctors tend to think too highly of themselves and treat patients carelessly), but he went to another room and told me that this is the sequelae of illness, and I might as well go to the seaside when spring comes Rehabilitation, if it doesn't work, you can move to a villa to live for a period of time.In a word, nothing was said except that she was a little weak.As soon as Shregel went out, she looked at me very seriously, and suddenly said to me: "I am really, really healthy!" But after she finished speaking, her face immediately turned red, obviously out of embarrassment.You can see it's a shame.Ah, now I understand: she's ashamed because I'm still her husband, I still care about her, I still seem to be her real husband.But I didn't understand it at the time, seeing the blushing as a sign of her humility (a fig leaf!). A month later, on a sunny day in April, I was sitting in the pawnshop at a little past four in the afternoon, keeping accounts.Suddenly I heard her sitting at her table in our room, working, softly...singing as she worked.This novelty made such a shocking impression on me that I still do not understand it.I have hardly ever heard her sing so far, except during the first few days when I brought her into the house we were able to play and shoot targets with pistols.At the time, she had a pretty good voice, very loud, not very precise, but very pleasant and very healthy.The song that is being sung now is so weak, ah, although it is not sad (this is a love song), but it seems that something has been destroyed and ruptured in the voice, as if her voice can't sing, it seems The singing voice itself is sick.She was humming in a low voice, and suddenly she raised her voice, and her voice broke off--this poor voice, it broke off pitifully.She coughed, then continued to sing softly and quietly... People often laugh at my excitement, but no one will ever understand why I am excited! No, I haven't pitied her yet, and that's an entirely different feeling.First, at least for the first few minutes, I suddenly had an inexplicable feeling, a terrible surprise, a terrible, strange, morbid surprise, almost a feeling of revenge: "She sang, and in my presence face! ·Mo·fei·she·forgot·remember·me? " Shocked all over, I remained where I was, then suddenly got up, picked up my hat and went out, as if thinking nothing of it.At least I don't know why I came out and where I went.Lukeria brought me my coat. "Is she singing?" I couldn't help saying to Lukeria.She didn't understand what I meant, and kept looking at me, still not understanding.However, I do confuse people. "Is this the first time she has sung?" "No, she sang it now and then in your absence," Lukeria replied. I remember all these clearly now.I climbed down the stairs, went outside, and wandered off.I walked around the corner and started looking around.People come and go here, and some people bump into me, but I don't feel it.I called a carriage and hired it to go to Police Bridge, but I don't know why I went there.Then I suddenly changed my mind and gave the coachman twenty kopecks. "I'm bothering you, so I'll give you this little money." After I finished speaking, I smiled at him meaninglessly, but I suddenly felt extremely happy in my heart. I quickened my pace and went home.Suddenly that poor broken voice sounded in my heart again.I couldn't breathe.The blinds fell from the eyes!It's falling!Since she sang to my face, it meant she had forgotten about me--which was obvious and terribly frightening.I can feel this in my heart. But the ecstasy inside me overwhelmed my fear. Ah, tricks of fate!All winter I have had nothing in me, nor could I, but this ecstasy, but where have I been all this winter?am i in my heart?I ran up the stairs very eagerly, wondering if I cringed when I entered.Just remember the whole floor seemed to vibrate and I seemed to be floating on a river.After I walked into the room, she was still sitting in the original position, sewing with her head tilted, but she stopped singing.She gave me a quick glance without curiosity, but it wasn't really a look, it was just a common indifference gesture, which happens every time someone comes in. I walked right over and sat in the chair next to her, right next to her, like a madman.She looked at me quickly, as if startled.I held her by the hand, and I don't remember saying anything to her, that is, I wanted to say it, but I can't remember what it was, because I couldn't even say a single correct word.My voice was choppy and unresponsive.I didn't know what to say, I just gasped. "Let's talk... you know... you can say whatever you want!" I muttered suddenly and said something stupid--ah, can I be smart?She shuddered again, swayed in a violent fright, and looked straight into my face, but suddenly stern surprise appeared in her eyes.Yes, surprise, and harshness at that.Her big eyes stared at me.This stern, stern surprise completely broke me down: "So you still want love? Do you still want love?" She seemed to ask in this surprise, although she didn't speak.But I saw it, all of it.Everything in me shook, and with a thump, I knelt at her feet.Yes, I knelt at her feet.She jumped up quickly, but I held her hands tightly with unnatural strength. I also fully understand my desperation, ah, I understand!But, believe it or not, the joy in my heart boiled to such a degree that I couldn't contain it, and I thought I was going to die soon.I was happy, and I kissed her legs intoxicated.Yes, I am happy, infinitely happy, infinitely happy, and happy in the understanding of my extreme despair!I cried and wanted to say something but couldn't.Her panic and surprise were suddenly replaced by a thought of concern and a very unusual question. She looked at me strangely, even savagely. She wanted to understand something as soon as possible, so she smiled.She was very ashamed because I kissed her feet and she pulled them away, but I immediately kissed her feet where they stood.Seeing this, she suddenly laughed in shame (you know how people laugh in shame), and she went into a fit of hysteria.I see this. Her hands were trembling--I hadn't thought of that, so I kept saying to her, I love her, I can't get up, "Let me kiss your dress... I'll pray to you like this for the rest of my life..." I don't know, I don't remember—she was wailing suddenly, a terrible fit of hysteria came.I freaked her out. I moved her to the bed.发作过去以后，她坐在床上，带着可怕的颓丧面容，握住我的手，求我安静下来：“够啦，别折磨自己了，安静下来吧！”接着又开始痛哭。整个这一天晚上，我没有离开过她。我老是对她说我要带她去布洛涅①洗海水浴，现在马上就走，过两星期就走，我说我刚才听到她的声①法国海港，著名的海滨疗养地。 音发颤，我要把当铺关掉，卖给多勃罗恩拉沃夫，一切重新开始，而最主要的是去布洛涅，去布洛涅！她听着听着，老是觉得害怕，而且越来越怕得厉害。但对我来说，主要的还不在这里，而在于我越来越不可遏止地想又躺到她脚旁，又吻吻她两脚站过的地面，向她祈求。我时不时地反复说：“我决不再，决不再向你要求什么了，你什么也不要回答我，根本不必注意我，只让我从角落里望望你，将我变成你的一件东西，变成一条狗……”她一直哭个不停。 “·可·我·一·直·以·为·您·就·这·样·扔·下·我·不·管·了·呢，”她突然情不自禁地脱口而，她是那么情不自禁，也许她根本没有注意到她是怎么说的，然而——啊，那是她那天晚上说出的最重要、最要命的一句话，对我来说也是一句最易理解的话，它仿佛给我的心脏捅了一刀！它向我说明了一切，但是只要她在我身旁，在我眼前，我就满怀着不可遏止的希望，而且我感到非常幸福。啊，那天晚上，我弄得她精疲力尽，而且我明白这一点，但是，我不停地想，我现在要把一切改变过来！到深夜的时候，她终于完全没有力气了，我劝她睡觉，她马上就睡着了，而且睡得很沉。我以为她会说梦话，她说了，但说得非常轻。我夜里几乎每隔一分钟就起来一次，穿着便鞋，悄悄地走去看她。我站在她面前绞着手指，望着这个病人，躺在这可怜的小铁床上，这张铁床是我花三个卢布买给她的。我跪着，但不敢吻她睡着的小脚，（没有她的许可啊！）我跪着祷告上帝，但又爬起来了。卢凯里娅老是从厨房里走出来，仔细望着我。我走到她身边，叫她躺下睡觉，说明天会开始出现“完全不同的情况。” 而且我对这一点是盲目、疯狂、可怕地相信的。啊，喜悦，喜悦使我沉醉了！我只等着明天到来。主要是，我不相信会出现任何灾祸，尽管已经有了征象。全部理智还没有恢复，尽管遮布已经掉下，但理智还是好久好久地没恢复过来。 啊，直到今天，一直到今天这会儿还没恢复！ !理智当时怎么能够恢复呢，她当时不是还活着吗？她当时马上出现在我面前，我则站在她面前，想：“她明天就会醒来，我会把这一切都讲给她听，她会看清一切的。”这就是我当时的思想，简单、明了，因此非常高兴！最主要的是这个布洛涅之行。我不知道为什么总是想，布洛涅就是一切，到了布洛涅就会有某种结果。 “去布洛涅，去布洛涅！……”我疯狂地等待着明天早晨的到来。 Ⅲ我太明白了要知道，这事总共只才发生在几天以前，五天前，一共才不过五天，上星期二发生的！不，不，只要再等一会儿，只要她再等一刻钟，我就会把黑暗完全驱散！难道她不放心吗？ 到第二天，虽说她心慌意乱，还是带着微笑听我说话了。 ... 主要是，在整个这段时间里，在这整整五天中，她心慌神乱，要不就是满面羞惭。她也害怕，非常害怕。我不争辩，我会像疯子一样，自相矛盾。恐惧是有的，她怎么能不恐惧呢？我们不是早就格格不入，相互回避吗？可突然这一切……但是，我对她的恐惧并不在意，新的东西已经在习习闪光！……的确，毫无疑问的是，我犯了错误。甚至可能，错误很多。第二天一醒来，打从清早起（那是星期三），我突然立刻就犯了一个错误：我忽然把她当成了朋友。我太急了，过于匆忙、过于仓促了。但是坦白是需要的，必不可少的，坦白是太需要了！我甚至把我瞒了一辈子的事，都坦白出来了。我直率地说了：我整个冬天都相信她的爱情。我向她解释说，开当铺不过是我的意志和理智堕落的一种表现，是个人自怨自艾、自我吹嘘的想法。我告诉她：我当年在小卖部的确是胆小怕死，那是我的性格，是我生性多疑造成的：环境让我吃惊，小卖部把我吓坏了。使我惊慌的还有一个问题：我怎么突然走开，走开不是愚蠢吗？我怕的不是决斗，而是怕出丑……可到后来我一直不想承认这一点，并且折磨所有的人，也使她感到痛苦，再以后我同她结婚，那目的也是使她受苦。总的说来，我大部分的说话，好象发热病似的。她亲自拉着我的手，求我别再往下说去：“您夸大其辞……您在折磨自己，”接下去又是眼泪汪汪，几乎歇斯底里又要大发作！她一直苦苦求我不要再说这件事，也不要再去想它。 我没有理睬她的请求，或者说很少注意，我一心想的是：春天，布洛涅！那儿有太阳，那里有我们的新太阳！我只说这个！我把当铺关了，业务盘给了多勃罗恩拉沃夫。我突然向她提出，把全部财产散发给家人，除开从教母那里得到的三千卢布之外。这点钱是要用作去布洛涅的用费的。然后我们回来，重新开始过新的、劳动的生活。事情就这样说好了，因为她什么话也没说。……她只是微微一笑。似乎，她的微微一笑只是出于礼貌，为了不便我感到伤心。因为我发现我是她的一个累赘。您不要以为我有那么蠢，我有那么自私，连这一点都看不出来。我全看出来了，一点一滴都看得清清楚楚。我比所有的人都看得清楚，都知道得清楚。我全部的绝望都暴露出来了！ 我老是对她谈我自己、谈她，也谈卢凯里娅。我说我曾经哭过……啊，我马上改变了话题，我也努力做到，绝口不提某些事情。您知道，她甚至有一两次活跃起来了，这我记得，我现在还清清楚楚记得。为什么您说我望着她什么也没看见呢？只要不发生这件事，那就一切都会复活，我们就会和好如初的。您知道，当话题转到读书以及她在这个冬天读什么书时，她前天还同我讲到她读了吉尔·布拉斯同大主教格列纳德斯基①在一起的情景，我一想起这一情景，她就发笑。那笑声是那么稚气，那么可爱，同过去她当未婚妻时的笑声，一模一样。（一眨眼的功夫，一眨眼之间！）我当时有多高兴啊！不过，谈起大主教的事，使我感到震惊：因为冬天她坐下来读这部巨著的时候，她的心境是那么平静，那么幸福，使得她居然能够为这部巨著发笑了。这就是说，她已开始完全平静下来，开始完全相信我就是这么把她扔下来了。 “我以为您就这么把我扔下不管了呢。”这是她星期二说出来的啊！啊，这是十岁小女孩的想法！因为她一直相信，一切真的会这么下去的：她坐她的桌子，我坐我的桌子，我们两个就这样一直坐到六十岁。可突然间，我走到她身边，我是丈夫，丈夫是需要爱的啊！啊，莫名其妙！啊，我真盲目啊！ 我欢喜莫名地望着她，也是一大错误，应该克制，要不①参见法国作家列萨日（一六六八—一七四七）的作品《吉尔·布拉斯的故事》。 然，我的高兴会把她吓坏的。但是我克制住了，没再去吻她的脚。我一次也没有做出……我是她丈夫的样子，——啊，我脑袋里根本没有这个想法，我只是祈祷！但是完全沉默，您知道是办不到的，完全不说一句话您知道是做不到的啊！我突然对她说了，我欣赏她的言谈，我认为她文化修养比我高得无法比拟。她满脸通红，很不好意思地说我言过其实了。这时，我稀里糊涂，忍不住告诉她：当时我站在门后，听她与那个坏蛋言来语去的交锋，一场清清白白的交锋时，我是多么高兴。我对她的智慧、光芒四射的机敏、纯朴的天真，非常欣赏。她似乎浑身抖动了一下，口中又喃喃地说我言过其实了。不过，她的脸色突然阴沉下来，她两手捂着脸，痛哭嚎啕起来了。……这时，我又忍不住了：我又跪在她面前，又开始吻她的脚，结果又是一场大发作，像星期二一样。这是头天晚上发生的事，可到第二天早上…… 第二天早上？ !疯啦，您知道，这明明是今天早上呀，还不久，是刚才发生的事啊！ 请您听听并好好想一想：要知道我们前不久在茶炊前谈得很投机（这事发生在昨天大发作之后），她的镇静简直使我大吃一惊，事情确实如此！我整夜都为昨天的事吓得浑身发抖。但是，她忽然走到我跟前，站在我身边，垂着两手，（这才多久，这才多久啊！）开始对我说，她是罪犯，她知道犯罪的行为，使她痛苦了一整冬，就是现在也在折磨着她……她太看重了我的宽容……“我将成为您忠实的妻子，我将敬重您……”这时我跳了起来，像疯子似的抱住她！我吻她，吻她的脸庞、她的嘴唇，像久别的丈夫第一次吻的那样。为什么我刚刚才走，总共只有两小时……我们的出国护照……啊，天哪！只要五分钟，只要早五分钟回来就好了！……可现在我们门口这一大堆人，这些望着我的目光……主啊！ 卢凯里娅说，（啊，我现在怎么也不放她走的，她什么都知道，她整个冬天都在，她会把一切讲给我听的。）她说我从出门到返回，总共不过二十来分钟。她突然走进我们房间里，找太太问个什么事儿，我记不得了。她发现太太的圣像（就是那尊圣母像）取出来了，摆在她面前的桌子上，太太好像刚才在它面前祷告过。“太太，您在干什么？”——“没干什么，卢凯里娅，你快走吧……站住，卢凯里娅。”她走到卢凯里娅身旁，然后吻了吻她。卢凯里娅说：“太太。您幸福吗？”——“是的，卢凯里娅。”——“太太，老爷早该来向您请求宽恕了……你们和解了，谢天谢地。”太太说，“好，卢凯里娅，你走吧，卢凯里娅。”接着她就笑了笑，笑得很奇怪。 正因为她笑得那么奇怪，使得卢凯里娅十分钟后，突然回来看看她：“她站在墙边，窗口前，一手扶着墙，脑袋靠在手上，就这么站着思考。她想得那么出神，没有察觉出我正站在那里，从隔壁房里看她。我发现她在微笑，一边站着想，一边笑。我看了看她，轻轻地转过身来，走了出去。我正在纳闷地时候，突然听到开窗户的响声。我马上走过去说：'太太，天气冷，您别着凉了。'我突然看到，她爬上窗台，整个身子已经站在敞开的窗户上，背对着我，手里拿着一尊圣像。我的心马上掉了下来，我大声喊叫：'太太，太太！'她听见了，本可以转过身来对着我的，但她没有回头，而是往前大跨一步，把圣像压在胸前，从窗口跳了下去！” 我只记得，我进门的时候，她的身体还有热气。主要的是他们都望着我，先是大声喊叫，随即马上就静了下来，他们全都站在我面前，给我让路……于是我看到她带着圣像躺在那里。我记得，我好像在黑暗中摸着默默地走过去，看了好久，随后大家把我包围起来，对我说着什么。卢凯里娅也在这里，可我没有见到她。她说她同我谈过话。我只记得那个小市民：他老是对我大喊大叫：“从口里流出一滩血，一小滩，一小滩！”然后指着我看石头上的血迹。我好像用手指蘸了点血，把手指玷污了，我望着手指（这一点我清楚记得），可他老是对我说：“一小滩，一小滩！” “什么是一小滩呢？”他们说我使尽全身力气大声尖叫起来，举着两手，朝他扑过去…… 啊，野蛮，野蛮！这是一场误会！This is not true!This is impossible! Ⅳ总共我只晚到五分钟可难道不是吗？难道这是真的吗？难道说这可能吗？为什么，这个女人为什么，因为什么死去呢？ 啊，请您相信，我明白，但是她为什么而死，这仍然是个问题。她害怕我的爱，她曾经认真地问过自己：接受还是不接受我的爱，她经不住这一问，所以宁愿死去。我知道，我知道，不必再去伤脑筋了：她答应给的太多，显然是怕还不了。这里有几件非常可怕的事情。 因为她为什么而死，仍然是个问题。这个问题一直在敲击着，敲击着我的脑袋。如果她愿意·这·样·下·去，我是会让她·这·样·下·去的。问题是她不相信这个！不，不，我在撒谎，根本不是这样的。只不过应该对我诚实；要爱就全爱，不能像对待那个商人那样。因为太贞洁，太洁白，不同意商人所需要的那种爱，所以她不想欺骗我。她不想在爱的幌子下半心半意地爱我，或者给我四分之一的爱。她太老实了，就是这么回事！您记得吗，我当时想开阔她的心胸？这是一个奇怪的想法。 非常好奇的是：她尊重我吗？我不知道她是不是看不起我？我不认为她看不起我。非常奇怪的是：为什么在整整一个冬季里，我脑子里一次也没有想过她看不起我呢？我绝对相信，直到她带着·严·厉·的·惊·讶·神·情望我为止，情况恰恰相反。 她当时正是带着惊讶的神情。这时我马上明白了：她是蔑视我的。我无可挽回地，一辈子明白了！哎呀，让她看不起吧，即便一辈子看不起也没关系，但是应该让她活着、活着呀！前不久她还能走路、说话。我完全不明白她怎么会跳窗！即便在五分钟以前，我怎么能料想得到呢？我把卢凯里娅叫来。我现在无论如何也不放她走了，无论如何也不放！ 啊，我们还是可以和好如初的。我们只是在冬天才疏远的，但是，难道不能再次亲近吗？为什么，为什么我们不能走到一起，又开始新生活呢？我是心地宽宏的，她也是如此。 所以才有结合点嘛！只要再说几句话，最多再过两天，她就会全明白的。 最令人伤心的是：所有这一切纯属偶然——一个简单、野蛮、落后的偶然事件。这就是叫人伤心的地方！总共只有五分钟，总共我只迟到五分钟！如果我早回来五分钟——那一煞那间就会像烟云一样，一掠而过，她的脑袋以后就永远不会出现寻死的念头。结果她就会了解一切的。可现在又是人去楼空，又是我孤零零地一个人了。你看，钟摆还在滴答作响，它什么都不管，什么人也不怜恤。什么人也没有了，这才叫人伤心呢！ 我走来走去，老是走来走去。我知道，知道，您不必提醒：我抱怨偶然，抱怨迟到五分钟，您觉得可笑，是吗？但是，您要知道，这是非常明显的事实。您只要想一想：她连个字条都没有留下，比如说：“我的死，您不要责怪任何人” 之类的字条，一般的人，都是会留下的。难道她没有想到人家甚至会怀疑卢凯里娅呢：“她一个人同她在一起，说不定是她把她推下去的呢！”要不是这家院子里有四个人从院子里，从厢房里看见她两手捧着一座圣像，自己纵身下跳的话，人们很可能会怀疑是卢凯里娅作案的。但是，您要知道，这是一次偶然事件，有人站在那里，亲眼看见了的。不，这一切都是一煞那的冲动，只是一煞那无名的冲动。突发的幻想！至于她在圣像前祷告，那又是怎么一回事呢？这并不意味着是死前的征兆。这一时的冲动最多不过持续十来分钟，所有的决定，正是她站在墙旁、脑袋靠在手上，脸上露出微笑的时候作出的。一个想法飞进了她的脑袋，弄得她昏头昏脑，她支持不住，就跳窗了。 如同您所想的，这显然是一个误会。同我在一起她还是可以生活的。即便贫血，那又算得了什么呢？这难道只是因为贫血，因为精力衰竭吗？她在冬天感到非常疲倦，这倒是事实…… 我到晚了！ ! ! 她躺在棺材里，显得多么细小，鼻子有多尖啊！她的眼睫毛象一支支的利箭。要知道她摔下来什么也没摔破！只出了“一小滩血！”就那么一小调羹的血！内脏受到震动。我出现了一个奇怪的想法：如果可以不葬呢？因为如果不把她抬走，那就……啊，抬走几乎是不可能的！啊，我也知道，她是应该抬走的，我不是疯子，我根本不是在说胡话，恰恰相反，我的头脑比任何时候都清醒。可是家里没有一个人，只有两间空房，又是只有我和一些典当品。梦呓、梦呓，这才是真正的梦呓！是我把她折磨死的，就是这么回事。 现在对我来说，您们的法律算得了什么呢？我要你们的风俗、你们的习惯、你们的生活、你们的国家、你们的信仰干什么呢？让你们的法官来审判我，让他们把我带到法庭上去，带到你们公开审判的法庭上去吧，我会说我什么也不承认。法官会大喝一声：“闭嘴，军官！”可我会对着他叫喊：“你们哪里有力量使我心悦诚服？为什么让黑暗的落后势力粉碎了最可宝贵的东西？现在我为什么要服从你们的法律？我已经分裂出去了。”啊，我什么也不在乎！ 你盲目、盲目！你死了，听不见了！你不知道，我同你隔着一个什么样的天堂。我的天堂在我的心里，我要把它放在你的周围！好啦，你不爱我，不爱就不爱吧，那又算得了什么呢？一切都应该·这·样，一切都让它·这·样吧。不过，你得像对朋友那样，对我说：我们现在该高兴啦，我们要相互望着眼睛，高高兴兴地笑。我们本应该这样生活。如果您爱上了另一个人，好，你就爱去吧！你该跟着他走，同他一起笑，我会从街道的一旁望的。……啊，我什么都不在乎，只要她能睁开眼睛，那怕是一次也好！睁开一会儿，只要睁开一会儿！看看我，就像前不久站在我面前，发誓要成为我忠实的妻子那样！啊，她只要望一眼就什么都会明白的！ 落后的力量！啊，大自然！大地上只有人，这就是灾难的所在！“田野上有活人吗？”一个俄罗斯大力士在叫喊。我也在叫喊，我不是大力士，没人来应。据说，太阳可以使宇宙万物复苏。太阳一升起，请您看看它吧，难道它不是死的？ 一切都是死的，到处都是死人。只有人，而人的周围是一片沉默，这就是大地！“人啊，你们相爱吧！”这话是谁说的？这是谁的遗训？钟摆在滴答，毫无感情，令人讨厌。已是午夜两点。她的鞋子摆在床边，好像在等她回来……不，说真的，明天人们把她抬走以后，我怎么办呢？