Chapter 20 Gentle Woman (Fantasy Novel)-1

Author's remark I beg the pardon of my readers: this time I will write a novella without the usual form.However, this novella did take up most of my time for a month.I ask the reader's forgiveness anyway. Now let's talk about the story itself.Despite the "fantasy" title I've given it, I personally think it's highly realistic.But there is an element of (fantasy) here, so I think it is necessary to explain in advance. The problem is that this thing is neither a short story nor a notebook.Imagine a husband whose wife is lying on the table when, a few hours ago, she committed suicide by jumping out of a window.He was flustered, and he hadn't had time to gather his thoughts.

He paced up and down his rooms, trying to comprehend what had happened, "to bring his thoughts to a single point." By.Now he is talking to himself, telling what happened while explaining it to himself.Although on the surface, what he said was consistent from beginning to end, but emotionally and logically contradicted himself several times.He justifies himself, lays the blame on her, and makes irrelevant explanations: there is crudeness of heart and thought, and deep feeling. He really explained the matter to himself slowly, and "focused his mind on one point."A series of recollections evoked by him at last led him irrevocably to the truth which in turn irrevocably raised his mind and heart.In the end even the tone of his storytelling changed from the initial confusion.The truth, at least to himself, had been laid out quite clearly and surely in front of him, the unfortunate.

That's what the story is about.Of course, the process of narrating lasted for several hours, intermittently, and the form was also upside down: for a while he was talking to himself, and for a while he seemed to be speaking to an invisible audience, some kind of judge.This kind of phenomenon is indeed common in real life.If a stenographer surreptitiously listened to him and recorded everything he said, then the result of the recording may be rougher than what I wrote, because it is not embellished, but I feel that the whole mental logic process may still be the same of.When I say there is an element of fantasy in this story, I mean assuming that the stenographer took down everything he said (and then I worked on what he wrote down).However, this kind of situation is not uncommon in art. For example, Victor Hugo used almost the same method in his famous book "The Last Day of the Condemned".While he did not bring the stenographer into play, he allowed for greater unreality, envisioning a prisoner condemned to death not only on his last day but in his last hour, and even in his last minute. (There is also time) to write your own notes.If he had not tolerated such wild suppositions, this work could not have existed, and it is the most realistic and truest work he has ever written.

CHAPTER I Who am I, and who is she... You see, she's still here, and all is well: I can walk by every minute to see; but tomorrow they'll take her away , what should I do alone?She's lying now on a table made of two square fold-out tables, in the hall, but tomorrow a coffin will be brought in, and it's lined with white, white Neapolitan silk, but I don't want to Speaking of this... I've been walking around trying to explain this to myself.Six hours have passed since I tried to make things clear, but my mind still cannot come together. The problem was that I kept walking around, walking around, walking around...that's the way it is.I'm just telling them in order (good order!) That's all.

Gentlemen, I am not at all a man of letters, as you can see, but whatever, I will speak as I understand it.I understand it all, and all my horror lies here! If you want to know, that is to say, if you start from the beginning, it is very simple. She came to me as a pawn to pay for the advertisement in the "Voice" newspaper. Go to class and so on.This ①liberal political and literary daily was published in 1863 and ceased operation in 1884. It was the original situation, and of course I didn't see any difference between her and the others: she came and went as often as the others.But then I started paying attention to her.

She was so slender, fair-haired, of middle height; with me she always looked a little awkward, as if embarrassed, (I think she was like that with all strangers, of course, when I was with her The eyes are the same as other people, that is, if you don’t treat me as a pawnbroker, but as an ordinary person.) However, every time she came and got the money, she turned around and left immediately, and she always said nothing. Do not say. In order to get more money, other people always fight, beg, and bargain with you.But this woman is different, how much you give, how much she takes... I'm like, I'm always confused and entangled... By the way, the first thing that surprised me was what she pawned: silver and gold-plated earrings , topped with crappy chokers with heads in them—things worth twenty kopeks.She also knows that these things are not worth much, but from her face, I can see that these things are her treasures.I learned later that these things are indeed the entire inheritance left by her parents.Only once, I couldn't help but smile a little at her stuff.You know, I never allow myself to be so presumptuous. I always treat customers with a polite tone: polite, very serious, and talk very little. "Serious, serious, and the third is serious." But she suddenly brought a fragment of an old rabbit-skin women's jacket (a fragment worthy of the name), and I couldn't help but suddenly said something sharp to her that resembled sarcasm.Oh my god, she's so angry!Her eyes, big and blue and brooding, looked like they were on fire!But she didn't say a word, just picked up her "fragment" and walked out.It was then that I paid special attention to her for the first time, and had a little idea of ​​this kind about her, that is, that she was something special.By the way, I remember one impression, the main one, if you will, the one that says it all: that she was very young, as young as fourteen.In fact she was three months shy of sixteen.But that's not what I want to say, and that's not what can explain everything.She came again the next day.I later found out that she had taken the women's fur coat to the pawnbrokers of Dobronlavov and Mozel, but they would not accept anything but gold, and would not even bother to talk.Once I accepted a piece of jade from her (it was also very bad), and after thinking about it carefully, I couldn't help being surprised: I was originally nothing but gold and silver, but I took a piece of jade from her.That was my second thought about her at the time.I still remember this clearly.

This time, when she came back from Mosel, she brought an amber cigarette holder--it's not bad, there may be people who like it, but it's worthless here because we Just gold.Since she came after yesterday's trouble, I treated her very seriously.My seriousness is dry.But after handing her two rubles, I finally couldn't help it, and said to her with a little anger, "You know, I'm only doing it for you, your kind of thing." Moser won't take it." I have emphasized the word "for" you, because it has a certain meaning.I look ugly.After hearing this "for you", she got angry again, but she didn't make a sound, and she didn't throw away the money, but put it away-people are poor!But she is so angry!I understand, I hurt her heart.No sooner had she gone out than I suddenly asked myself: Is this victory over her worth two rubles?Hey, hey, hey!I remember asking this very question twice: "Is it worth it? Is it worth it?" I smiled and answered that question in the affirmative in my heart.I was very proud of it.But it's not such a bad feeling: I'm doing it on purpose, on purpose.I want to test her, because I suddenly have some thoughts about her.This is the third particular thought about her.

... Well, from then on, it all started.Of course, I immediately tried every means to inquire about her situation in detail from the side, and waited for her arrival with a particularly anxious mood.You know, I've got a feeling that she's coming soon.As soon as she came, I had a friendly conversation with her, especially politely.You know I'm educated and personable.Well, I guessed it right away: she was kind and gentle.A man of good heart and gentle disposition does not resist for long, and though he never opens his heart to anyone, he never shies away from conversation: the answer is very short, but there is always an answer, and if you do not yourself If you feel tired and need him to talk, the more time passes, the more he will talk.Of course, she didn't explain anything to me at the time.About the "Voice" newspaper and other things, I found out later.She was trying her best to advertise at that time, and at first she was naturally arrogant: "A certain governess agreed to teach abroad, and the conditions were notified", but later she "agreed to do everything, including teaching, accompanying people, managing housework, and taking care of patients. And good at sewing” and so on.It's all well-known!All this, of course, was added to the advertisement in various ways, and finally, in a moment of desperation, it was even proposed: "No salary, only food."No, even then, she didn't get a job!At that time, I decided to try her one last time: I suddenly picked up a copy of that day's "Voice" newspaper and showed her an advertisement: "A certain young woman, whose parents have died, is seeking the position of governess for children. Middle-aged widowers and above. Willing to help with housework."

"Look, this woman posted an advertisement this morning, and she will definitely find a job by evening. To advertise, you have to write like this! " She lost her temper again, her eyes sparkled, she turned her back and walked away in an instant.I am very happy!But I felt quite sure at that time, and I was not worried at all, because no one would become a cigarette holder.And her pipe mouth has been pawned out again.Sure enough, she came on the third day, her face was so pale, and her heart was so excited-I knew something must have happened to her family, and it was true.I'll explain what happened in a moment, but for now I just want to mention that I gave her a good idea out of the blue, which enhanced my authority in her eyes.A thought like this came to me out of the blue.The thing is that she brought this icon (she brought it with great care)... Oh, listen!You listen!Just started now, but I keep throwing things up and messing everything up...

The problem is that I want to remember everything now, every detail, every little thing.I always want to concentrate my thoughts on one point, but I can't do it, and these little things, little things... It was a statue of the Virgin Mary.The Virgin with a Baby is a common old household icon, with gilded silver attire, and costs about six or seven rubles. I found this holy image, and she took it very seriously, and she took the whole image as it was, without taking off her clothes.I said to her, it's better to pawn off the clothes and take the icon, or the icon always feels a little bit like that.

"Has anyone forbidden you to receive icons?" "No, it's not that anyone forbids it, but, perhaps, you yourself..." "Okay, just take off your clothes!" "You know, I'm not going to take it off, I'm going to put it in the shrine," I said after thinking for a moment, "with the other icons, under the magic lamp (since I opened this pawnshop) , the magic lamp is always on), you can just take the ten rubles." "I don't want ten rubles, give me five rubles, I must redeem it." "You don't want ten rubles? The holy image is worth that much," I added after noticing that her little eyes lit up again.She didn't speak.I gave her five rubles. "Don't look down on me, I've been through it myself, and it's worse, and if you see me doing it now... it's because I've been through it all..." "Are you taking revenge on society? Are you?" she interrupted me suddenly with a rather wry sneer, but there was much innocence in her sarcasm (that is to say, there was a lot of common sense in it). things, because she did not distinguish me from others at all, so she said these words without malice). "Aha!" I thought to myself, "So you are such a person, your personality has been exposed, and you are completely a person belonging to the new school." "You see," I said at once, half-jokingly, half-mysteriously, "that I am part of that whole which wants to do evil but does good..." She glanced at me quickly with great curiosity, but there was a lot of childishness in this curiosity. "Wait a minute... What kind of idea is this? Where did it come from? I seem to have heard it there. . . . " "Don't worry about it. Mephistopheles introduced himself to Faust. Have you read Faust?" "No... I haven't read it carefully." "That is to say, you haven't read it at all. You should. But again I see a mocking look on your lips. Please don't imagine that my taste is so ① See Goethe's Faust. Lowly, trying to whitewash my role as pawnbroker and pretend to be Mephistopheles to you.A pawnshop is still a pawnshop after all.We know this. " "You're a little strange... I don't want to say such things to you at all..." What she wanted to say was: I didn't expect you to be an educated person, but she didn't say it, but I know she thought so.I made her very happy. "You see," I said, "that a man can do good in any place. Of course I don't mean myself, and we assume that I have done nothing but evil, but..." "Of course one can do good anywhere," she said, looking quickly at me sharply. "Anywhere," she added abruptly.Ah, I remember, I remember all these moments so vividly!And I'd like to add that when these young people, these lovely young people, try to say something so clever and touching, there's this look on their faces that's all too sincere and naive, as if to say : "Listen, I'll say something smart and touching to you right now." And it's not out of vanity, like our brother's, but you can see that she herself takes it all seriously, and believes All this, respect it all, and think you'll respect it all, as she does.Ah, sincerity!This is the magic weapon of their victory. And what beauty is contained in it! I remember, and I forgot nothing!As soon as she walked out, I made up my mind right away.That very same day I made a final search, and found out all the rest of her, as well as her present; as for her past, I had already learned from Lukeria.Lukeria was working as a servant in their house at the time, and I had bought her off a few days ago.The details were terrible, and I couldn't understand how she could still laugh as she did just now, and be interested in asking what Mephistophele said, in such a terrible situation.But she is young!It was this that I thought of her with pride and joy, for here lies the magnanimity of measure: even on the brink of life and death, the language of the great Goethe shines.Youth, even if it is a little bit, even if it is wrong, is still always magnanimous.I'm talking about her, and she's alone.Most of all, I already considered her mine and didn't doubt my great strength.You know, once you have no doubts, the idea is very tempting. But, something is wrong with me.If I go on like this, when will I be able to gather my thoughts?Quick, quick—that's not the question at all, oh my! Ⅱ Marriage Proposal About her "details", what I know, can be clearly stated in one sentence: her parents are dead, and they died early, three years ago, and she stayed in the house of two aunts who did not obey the rules. .I'd say it's not quite right to call them unruly people.One aunt was a widow with a large family of six children, each younger than the other;Both are bad.Her father was an official, but by clerical background, at best, he had acquired a title of nobility ① personally, and in short, everything suited me well. I also seemed to come from high society: at any rate, a retired captain of a prestigious regiment of infantry, a hereditary nobleman, independent, etc., and as for the pawnshop, her aunts had nothing but respect for it.She had been a slave to her aunt's for three years, and yet she had passed the exam somewhere—she had taken it out of the day's drudgery, and passed it.From her side, this at least shows that she is striving to make progress, pursuing the noble and lofty!Do you know why I want to marry her?However, the matter about me is not worth mentioning, so I will talk about it later... Could it be that the problem lies here!She taught her aunt's children to read and write, sew clothes, and later not only sew clothes, but also breastfeed and clean the floor.They even beat her, and accused her of eating their bread for nothing, and finally they planned to sell her.Pooh!I won't get into the dirty details of it.Later she told me everything in detail.A fat shopkeeper next door has been observing these things for a whole year, and he has seen them all.This person is not an ordinary store owner, but owns two grocery stores.He had tortured two wives to death, and was looking for a third, so he took a fancy to her, saying that she was "quiet and born in a poor family, and I married to lose my mother's child." Indeed, He has several motherless children.He sent someone to be a matchmaker and colluded with her two aunts.Besides, he was over fifty, so she was terrified to death.Now she often comes to me to discuss the advertisement in the "Voice". Finally, she asked the two aunts to give her some time to think about it.They gave her a little time, but only once, and not the second time. They said, "Even without your extra mouth, we don't know what to eat." Nobles who cannot be hereditary. Knowing it all, I made up my mind after talking that morning.That evening the merchant came and brought from the shop a pound of sweets worth half a kopeck; Standing at the gate, looking for her urgently.I feel good about myself.Overall, I am very satisfied with the whole day. Right at the door, in front of Lukeria, I told her (I sent for her, which surprised her) that I considered it a blessing, an honor ... and secondly, I hope she will not treat me Don't be surprised that I stood at the door and said, "I'm a straightforward person, and I've studied every detail of the matter. I'm not lying when I say I'm straight.Well, let's not talk about it.Not only did I speak decently, that is to say, I was an educated person, but I also spoke with character, and that was the main thing.how?Is it a crime to admit this?I want to pass judgment on myself, and I'm doing it now.I should say pro and contra, and I'm saying it.Even in retrospect, I am glad that even though it was a stupid thing to do: I was blunt and unabashed, and I declared straightforwardly: First, I was not particularly talented, I was not particularly bright, and maybe even Not particularly kind, and I'm a pretty cheap egoist (the term, I still remember vividly, I came up with along the way, and quite satisfactorily).It is likely that there are many other unpleasant things contained in the body.All these words were said with a peculiar pride—everyone knew how to say them.Of course, I have enough ability, after talking about my shortcomings openly, instead of talking about my advantages, I will say: "But, despite this, I still have a little bit of strengths." ① Latin: for and against. I found that she was still terrified to death for the time being, but I didn't soften my tone because of it. On the contrary, I deliberately strengthened my tone because I saw her scared; Good clothes, going to the theater, going to the ballroom, that is absolutely impossible, unless I achieve my goal later.This stern tone almost made me feel proud.I also added (as loosely as I could, of course) that if I got into this business, i.e. opened a pawn shop, then I would have only one purpose, and there was a case... But, I do have the right to say so : I do have such a purpose and such a situation.Gentlemen, please wait a moment, what I hate most in my life is this pawnshop, but in fact I don't hate it, which means that it is funny to myself to say it in mysterious words.Didn't I use this to "take revenge on society"?Indeed, indeed, indeed!So her scathing words about "revenge" that she laughed at me in the morning were not correct.That said, you'll see that if I say straight up to her, "Yes, I'm taking revenge on society," she'll just laugh like she did this morning not long ago, and it will turn out to be true. Look ridiculous.Well, by insinuation, by insinuation, a cryptic remark might excite the imagination.Besides, I had no fear at that time: because I knew that in her opinion, the fat boss was at least inferior to me, and I stood at the gate, and I was simply her savior.I am very clear about this.Ah, how easy it is for man to understand vile things!But is that meanness?How to judge people here?Did I not fall in love with her even then? Please wait a moment: Of course I didn't say a word to her about my kindness at the time.On the contrary, yes, on the contrary, I said: "It is I who have been blessed, and not you." Wrinkles appeared quickly.Overall, though, I was a big winner.Please wait a moment, now that all these dirty things are recalled, let's just shake out the last bit of vileness: I stand there, and my mind starts to work: You are tall, well-proportioned, Be educated, and finally, without bragging, you're good looking.That's what popped into my head.Of course, she stood at the door and said yes to me right away.But... But, I should add: she stood in the doorway and thought for a long time before she said yes.She was thinking so much, thinking, I was already planning to ask her: "Hey, how are you doing?" I couldn't hold back, and finally asked very gracefully: "Hi, how are you doing?" "Wait a minute, I'm thinking." Her face was so serious, so serious that I could see her thoughts at that moment!But I got angry and thought: "Is she choosing between me and the shop owner?" Ah, I didn't figure it out then!Still don't understand until today!I remember that Lukeria followed me, stopped in the road as I was going, and said out of breath: "God bless you, sir, you marry our lovely lady." Well, but you can't tell her she's very proud." OK, so proud!I said, I just love to be proud.Haughty ones are especially good when... well, when you don't doubt that you have much more power over them, do you?Ah, what a low, clumsy man I am!Ah, how proud I am!You know, I was surprised when she stood in the doorway thinking, about to say yes, you know, she might even have the thought: "Since there is misfortune here and there, why don't we just pick the worst?" It would be better, just pick that fat boss, let him get drunk, and beat me to death quickly, wouldn’t it be better!” Would she think so, huh?Do you think such an idea is possible? Even now I do not understand, I still do not understand at all!Didn't I just say that she may have this idea: choose the worst of the two misfortunes, that is, choose the fat boss?But who is worse for her - me or the fat boss?Is it the fat boss or the pawnbroker who quoted Goethe?This is still a problem!what is the problem?You don't understand either: the answer is clearly on the table, but you say it's a question!Besides, what am I!The problem is not with me at all... By the way, the problem is not with me at all, so what is the use to me now?This question, you see, I can't answer at all.Better to lie down and sleep.I have a headache... ⅢThe most noble man, but I can't believe that I am not asleep.Besides, how can I sleep?There always seems to be a pulse beating in the head.I really want to make sense of all this, all this nonsense.Ah, what a mess of filth!Ah, what filth I dragged her out of!She should have understood this, and should have given due evaluation to my actions!In addition, many different ideas also make me happy, for example, I am forty-one, and she has just turned sixteen.It fascinates me, this feeling of inequality is very sweet, very very sweet. For example, I want to have a wedding in alanglaise, that is to say, in French: in the English way. Just the two of us, maybe two witnesses, one of whom is Lukeria.Then get on the train right away, let's say to Moscow, (by the way, I happen to have something to do) check into a hotel for two weeks.She didn't agree, she didn't agree, I had to respectfully go to the house of her two aunts and treat them as relatives, from whom I originally married her.I backed down and gave her aunt the treatment she deserved.I even gave a hundred rubles to each of the two fellows, and promised to pay more later, though of course I didn't tell her about it, so that she wouldn't suffer from the poverty of her situation.The two aunts immediately changed their attitude.There was controversy about the dowry: she herself had almost nothing, but she wanted nothing.However, I succeeded in proving to her that it was impossible not to want one at all, so I gave her a dowry, because if I don't do it, who else will do it for her?Well, I don't have to mention it.But I have talked to her about all kinds of ideas I have, at least to let her understand.Maybe I'm a little hasty with this.Most of all, no matter how restrained she was, she threw herself into my arms full of love from the start.As soon as I came back in the evening, she greeted me with rapturous joy, murmuring, (what an innocent, charming murmuring!) Tell me about her childhood, youth, her parents' home, her father and mother. However, I immediately poured a scoop of cold water on her joy.That's what I think.I was ecstatic about her, and I responded with silence, of course, a well-intentioned silence... However, she soon discovered that we were too different, and I was an incomprehensible mystery.As for me, the most important energy is also on this mystery!Because, perhaps, the reason why I did all these stupid things is to let people figure out this riddle!The first is harshness, which is exactly how I got her into the house.In a word, although I was satisfied at the time, I still established a whole system.Ah, this system came into being naturally, without any effort.And it cannot but be the case that I have instituted this system entirely as a result of an irresistible circumstance.In fact, why should I slander myself!The system is real.No, listen to me, since you want to judge a person, you must understand the situation before you judge... Listen to me! Where to start, because it's very difficult.You start arguing, it's hard.You see, for example, that young people despise money, and I noticed it right away and locked it away.I value money very much, so she started to be quieter and quieter.She always kept her eyes wide open, listening and watching, without speaking.Have you noticed that young people have great tolerance, and I am talking about good young people, they are always generous and full of enthusiasm, but they are impatient and look down on them at every turn.But what I want is a big heart, and I want to put it straight into her heart, into her sincere point of view, doesn't it?Let me give you a vulgar example: how can I explain my pawn shop to such a person?Of course, I didn't say it outright, because then I would be asking forgiveness for running a pawn shop, and I, who is so-called proud, talk almost tantamount to silence.I am an expert at speaking with silence. I have used silence to speak all my life, and I have endured all kinds of tragic things in silence.Ah, I am indeed unlucky!I was abandoned by everyone, abandoned and forgotten.And no one knows this!Suddenly, this sixteen-year-old girl got so many details about me from some scumbags that she thought she knew everything, but the most secret thing was only in my chest!I was always silent, especially when I was with her, and I remained so until yesterday.Why should I be silent?Because I am a proud person.I hope she will find out by herself instead of me, but she can't rely on the words of the despicable person, but she should think about this person by herself and understand him thoroughly!I took her into my own home in order to be fully respected.I want her to stand before me and pray for my suffering because I am worthy of her.Ah, I am always proud, I always want everything, or nothing!It is precisely because I am not a man who desires only half happiness, but all happiness, that I was compelled to act in such a way, saying: "Find it out for yourself, and judge for yourself!" You will agree. Yes, because if I myself start explaining to her, making hints, begging, begging her to respect me, then I'm asking her for a handout... But... But, why should I say that! Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!I explained to her then, bluntly, and ruthlessly (I stress mercilessly) that it is good for young people to be large, but it is worthless.Why is it worthless?Because it comes too easily, it is not obtained through the suffering of life, it is just the so-called "first impression of existence" ①, Look at what you look like at work!Cheap magnanimity is easy to do, easy even to sacrifice your life, for it is nothing but excess energy, blood-blooded, ardent pursuit of beauty!No, take another feat of magnanimity, which is very difficult, unknown, silent, silent, and invites slander, much sacrifice, and no honor; there, you, A radiant person, in front of everyone, is considered a mean person, when in fact you are the most honest person in the world.Well, go and try to perform such a feat, but no, you will refuse to do it!But I've been doing this all my life.她先是争吵，吵的可了不得啊，后来就开始不作声了，甚至一语不发，只是可怕①②参见莱蒙托夫的诗《不要相信；不要相信自己，年轻的幻想者……》引用普希金的诗。 地睁着两只眼睛听着，那眼睛是那么大，那么聚精会神。而且……除此以外，我突然看到了她的微笑，不轻意相信人的、默默的微笑，很难看的微笑。我就是带着这样的微笑把她带进我的家的。确实，她当时已经无处可去…… Ⅳ老是计划、计划当时，我们中间是谁首先开始的呢？ 谁也不是。从第一步开始就是自动进行的。我说过，我是极其严厉地将她带进我的家里的，不过，从第一步起，我就变软了。还是未婚妻的时候，她就被告知：她要接收典当品，付钱，她当时什么话也没说（这一点请您记住），而且她开始干这工作的时候，还是很热心的。唔，当然住房和家俱等等一切都照旧。住房嘛，一共有两间；一间是大厅，与帐房是隔开的；另一间也很大，是我们共用的，也是我们的卧室。我的家俱很简单，甚至不如她两个姑姑的好。我的神龛和神灯，摆在设帐房的那间厅里。我的房里摆着我的一个柜子，里面有几本书，一个小匣子和钥匙，我随身带着；当然那里还有被褥和桌椅板凳。我还告诉未婚妻，我们的生活费，也就是我、她和我诱惑过来的卢凯里娅三个人的伙食费，确定为一天一个卢布，不能再多。我告诉她：“三年之内我要积攒起三万卢布，如果不节省点，钱是攒不起来的。”她没有加以阻挠，不过，我自己把生活费提高了三十戈比。也上戏院。 我告诉未婚妻，说不得看戏，不过，我还是每月让她进一次戏院，而且体体面面地坐在池座里。我们是两人一起上戏院的，去过三次，看了《追求幸福》和《会唱歌的小鸟》①，好像是这样的。（啊，不值一提，不值一提！）我们默默不语地走去，又默默不语地回来。为什么，为什么我们一开始就采取沉默不语的作法呢？起初，我们没有发生争吵，也是沉默不语。我记得她当时好像老是偷偷地望我；我一发现，她就更加保持沉默。的确，坚持沉默的是我，而不是她。从她那方面来说，出现过一两次激情，扑过来拥抱我，但是，因为这种激情是病态的、歇斯底里的，而我需要的是坚实的幸福、是她对我的尊重，所以我对之采取冷漠的态度。这也是做得对的，因为每次这样的冲动过后，第二天免不了要大吵一场。 或者说还是没有争吵，但是默默不语，于是她的态度便越来越大胆了。“反叛与独立”，就是这么回事，不过，她还不善于表达罢了。是的，这个性格温和的人，变得越来越大胆，越来越放肆了。您信不信呢，我在她的眼中变成了大坏蛋，这事我是作过深入的研究的。问题是她经常控制不住自己的激情，大肆发作，这一点已经不容怀疑了。比方说，她刚刚摆脱肮脏与贫穷，不再擦洗地板，就突然对我们的贫困看不上眼了！您是看得清楚的，先生：这不是贫穷，而是节俭。应该有的东西，哪样不多的是？比方说，要衣服有衣服，要整洁有整洁。我以前老是想，丈夫的整洁是会赢得妻子的欢心的。不过，她似乎不是嫌我贫穷，而是嫌我在开销方面的过分吝啬，她似乎在说：“人是有目标的，是要表现坚强的①法国作曲家奥菲巴赫（一八一九—一八八○）的歌剧。 性格的。”她突然主动提出不上戏院。而且讥讽的神情表现得越来越强烈……我呢，也变得越来越不说话，越来越沉默。 不必进行辩护吗？这里最主要的是这个当铺。对不起，先生：我知道，一个女人，而且还是个十六岁的女人，是不能不完全听命于男人的。女人没有独特的见解，这是显而易见的公理，即便现在对我来说，也是如此！那是什么东西，躺在厅里的是什么呢？真理就是真理，就是穆勃①本人来，也是一点办法也没有的！可是一个爱着男人的女人，啊，一个爱着男人的女人，甚至对她所爱的人的罪过，甚至对他的恶行，也加以神化。她找到为他的罪恶行径开脱的理由，他本人都未必能够找到。这是心地宽宏，并不是独特的见解。仅仅一个见解平平，就把一个女人给毁了。我再说一遍，您指着我看桌子上摆的是什么，又有什么意义呢？难道躺在桌子上就是独特吗？what! 请您听着：对于她的爱情，我当时是相信的。因为她当时曾经扑到我身上，抱住过我的脖子。她爱过我，更确切点说，她希望爱。是的，事情正是如此：她想爱，想方设法寻找爱。您知道，主要是这里没有任何罪恶行径，用不着她去寻求辩护。您说，当铺掌柜，大家也这么说。可是当铺掌柜又算得了什么呢？这就是说，既然一个心地极其宽宏的人居然当了当铺掌柜，自然是有原因的。先生们，你们看吧，是有思想的……这也是说，你们看，如果把一些想法说出来，用语言把它表达出来，那结果会是很愚蠢的。会自己都觉得可①约翰·斯图尔特·穆勃（一八○六—一八七三）英国哲学家、经济学家、逻辑学家，主要著作有《逻辑体系》、《政治经济学原理》、等。 耻的。why?No reason.因为我们大家都是混蛋，承受不起真理，要么，我就不知道了。我刚才说我是“心地最最宽宏的人”，这是非常可笑的，然而事实又确实如此。因为这是真理，也就是最最真实的事实。是的，我有权使自己生活有保障，所以开设这家当铺：“你们不理我，你们，也就是人们，用蔑视的沉默，将我赶走。对我的热情，你们的回答是让我委曲一辈子。所以，我现在完全有权砌一堵墙，来把我们隔开，让我积攒起三万卢布，然后用这三万卢布买下一座庄园，让我到南方海岸边、克里米亚的某个地方，在丛林里，在葡萄园里，度过我的余年。最主要的是让我远离大家。不过，我对你们并无怨恨，我是带着理想、带着内心喜爱的女人，带着家小而去的，如果上帝允许的话，同时我也顺便帮帮村里的居民。”当然，现在我把自己的打算给自己说了，这是好的。要是我当时对她讲出来，那就可能太愚蠢了。这就是为什么她老是高傲地沉默，老是默默地坐着的原因。是因为她明白了什么吗？她才十六岁，刚刚进入青年时期，她怎么能够理解我的辩解，我的苦处呢？这里有的只是头脑的简单、对生活的无知，年轻人廉价的信念、对“美好心灵”盲目的追求，而最主要的是看着那座当铺，除此以外，就什么也没有了。 （难道我是当铺里的坏蛋，难道她没看出我的为人，难道我多拿了别人的钱财？）啊，世界上的真理有多么可怕啊！ 这个美，这个性格温和的女人，这块天空，她简直是折磨我的心灵的暴君，是折磨我的、令人无法忍受的人！如果我把这事说出来，那不是对我自己进行诬蔑吗？您以为我不曾爱过她？谁能说我没爱过她呢？您看见了吗，这是讽刺，这是命运和大自然辛辣的讽刺！我们确实该死，人们的生活总的说来，是该死的（特别是我的生活）！您知道，我现在才知道，我到底错在哪里。这里总有点不大对头。一切都是明明白白的、我的计划也是像天空一样清楚：“严肃、高傲，而且在精神方面不需要任何人的安慰，默默地承受着痛苦。”情况正是如此，我没瞎说，我没撒谎！ “她自己会发现的，这是心地宽宏，不过她不善于发现它就是，将来一旦发现，她就会十倍尊敬我，然后跪在尘埃中，合掌祈祷的。”这就是我的计划，但是这里面我好像忘了点什么，或者忽略了一点什么。这里面好像我有点什么没有办好。不过，这已经够了，足够了。再说现在向谁请求宽恕呢？完了，就完了吧。你这人哪，放大胆一点，也要保持高傲！责任并不在你身上嘛！ ... 好吧，我一定把真相说出来，我不怕面对事实：错的·是·她，错的·是·她！ Ⅴ性格温和的女人造反了争吵是从她突然想按自己的想法给钱开始的。她把典当物品的价格订得高出于它自身的价值，甚至两次同我就这个题目展开争论。我没有同意。但这时恰恰碰上了这个上尉太太。 上尉太太是个老太婆，她带来了一个颈饰，是她已故丈夫送的礼物，显然是一个纪念品。我给了她三十卢布。她开始悲悲切切地抱怨，请求保留她的东西，当然我们答应保存下来。好啦，五天之后她来了，要用一个手镯子把颈饰换回去，可那只镯子最多不过值八个卢布，我理所当然地加以拒绝。一定是她从我妻子的眼神中，看出了点什么，于是乘我不在场的时候，妻子让她把颈饰换走了。 知道此事以后，我当天就同她谈了，态度温和，但口气很坚决，而且合情合理。她坐在床上，望着地面，用右脚尖在地毯上弄出响声（这是她的姿态），嘴唇上挂着难看的微笑。 我当时根本没有提高声音，而是心平气和地说，钱是我的，我有权用我的眼睛来看待生活。还说了，当初我请她进我家来的时候，我对她什么也没有隐瞒。 她突然一跃而起，突然全身颤抖，（您想怎么样？）她突然对着我跺起脚来。那是一头野兽，那是兽性大发作，那是一头兽性大发作的野兽。我吓得目瞪口呆；这样的举动，我从来没有料到。但我并没有仓皇失措，甚至没有采取任何行动，仍然像以前一样，用平静的声音，直截了当地向她宣布，从今以后我不许她参加我的买卖活动。她当着我的面哈哈大笑，然后就从屋里走了出去。 问题是她没有权利走出这栋房子。没有我的许可，她哪里也不能去，这还是在她当我的未婚妻时就说好了的。傍晚前，她回来了，我一句话也没说。 第二天一大早，她又出去了，第三天也是如此。我把当铺一锁，便去找她的两个姑妈。结婚以后，我同她们就断了联系：既没邀她们来我家，我也没去找过她们。到了那里一打听，原来她不在她们那里。她们怀着好奇心理听完我的话后，当着我的面就嘲笑开了，她们说：“您活该！”不过，我是料到她们会笑的。我马上把那个年纪轻一点的老处女，用一百卢布收买了，答应先给她二十五个卢布。过了两天她来到我家，说：“这里有一个叫叶菲莫维奇的中尉军官牵扯在里边，他以前是您同一个步兵团的同事。”我听后大吃一惊。这个叶菲莫维奇在团里给我吃的苦头最多，一个月以前，这个不知羞耻的家伙，装做要当东西，到当铺里来过两次，我清楚记得，他当时就同我妻子开始有说有笑。我当即就走过去，告诉他，鉴于我们以往的关系不和，叫他不要冒昧地到我这儿来。可是我脑子里根本就没想过这种事，我只是简单地想过，他是个无耻的家伙。现在这位姑妈突然告诉我，他们已经有了约会，而且整个事情是由两位姑妈以前的一位老相识尤里亚·萨姆索诺娃搓合而成的。这女人是个寡妇，而且还是个上校太太。那位姑妈说：“您太太现在经常去她家。” 这事的详情我就从略了。为这事我总共花费了将近三百卢布，在两天两夜中我作好了这样的安排：我将站在隔壁房里，站在虚掩的房门后面，倾听我妻子和叶菲莫维奇第一次ｒｅｎｄｅｓ—ｖｏｕｓ①的情况。就在等待的前一天晚上，我和妻子发生了一场短暂的争吵，但这次争吵对我来说，却是太重要了。 傍晚前她回来了，坐在床上，望着我嘲笑，同时用一只小脚敲击地毯。我望着她，脑子里突然出现一个想法：这最近一个月，或者最好说是最近两个星期，她的性格完全变了，甚至可以说变得绝然不同了，变成了一个蛮横、好斗的人，我不能说她无耻，但是一个不讲规矩，寻衅闹事的人。正在寻①法语：幽会。 衅闹事的时候，温和的性格却对她起了抑制的作用。当她蛮横无礼的时候，虽然出了格，仍然可以看到她是强迫自己这么干的，而且首先她怎么也无法抑制自己的纯洁和羞耻感。正是因为这个原因，这种人有时甚至做出非常过分的事来，叫你无法相信自己的眼睛和头脑。惯于淫荡的人则恰恰相反，总是斯斯文文，干的却是更加卑鄙的坏事，不过表面上却装出一副循规蹈矩、彬彬有礼的样子，自以为比你们高明得多。 “您是因为贪生怕死，害怕决斗，被人从步兵团赶出来的，是真的吗？”她突然吹毛求疵地问道，两只眼睛闪闪发亮。 “是真的，是根据军官们的裁决，要求我离开步兵团的，虽然我自己在此以前，递交了申请退伍的报告。” “是把您当胆小鬼赶出来的吗？”