Chapter 22 The Dream of the Ridiculous Man (fantasy novel)

- I am a ridiculous person.Now they call me crazy.In their opinion, if I am still not as ridiculous as before, then this title has been upgraded.But I'm not angry anymore, and now I think they're all cute, even when they laugh at me - I think they're really cute instead.If I hadn't been so sad looking at them, I would have laughed with them--not at myself, but because I liked them.I feel sad because they don't know the truth and I do.Oh, how hard it is for a man to know the truth!But this is beyond their comprehension. No, they won't understand. I used to feel very sad because I seemed ridiculous.It's not like it seems, but it's really absurd.I've always been very ridiculous, maybe I've been born that way all my life.Maybe when I was seven years old, I already knew that I was a ridiculous person.Later I went to middle school and college, and the result was—the more I learned, the more ridiculous I felt.It seemed to me, therefore, that all that was learned at the university was only a final confirmation and demonstration to me that the further I studied the more absurd it became.Learning is like this, and so is life.As the years passed, I realized that I was ridiculous in every way, and that realization grew on me.Everyone laughs at me all the time, but none of them know, and no one can guess that if there is anyone in the world who knows me best, it is myself.What makes me most regretful is that they don't understand this.In this matter, however, I was at fault: I was always so proud and never wanted to admit my absurdity to anyone.This arrogance grows in me every year, and if I allow myself to admit my absurdity to anyone, I'll blow my head out with a pistol that night.Ah, how painful it was for me when I was a child, lest I couldn't bear it and suddenly confessed to my companions.However, when I grew into a young man, although I became more and more aware of my bad qualities every year, my mood became much calmer for some reason.I really don't know why, because I haven't been able to determine the reason so far.The reason for this may be that some situation has greatly affected me, which has accumulated in me an extreme anguish, which has given birth to a belief in me that the world is full of nothing.I had a hunch of this for a long time, but the full conviction seems to have come out of nowhere in the last year.I suddenly felt that it didn't matter to me whether the world existed or not.I began to feel, and really felt, that there was nothing around me.At first, I always thought that there were many things in the past, but later I realized that there was nothing in the past, but it seemed like that for some reason.I have grown convinced that there will always be nothing.Immediately, then, I stopped being angry with other people and almost stopped paying attention to them.To tell the truth, the change manifests itself even in trivial matters.For example, sometimes I bump into people while walking on the street.It wasn't due to contemplation, what did I have to contemplate, I wasn't thinking at all, because I didn't care about anything.How nice it would be if I solved a few problems, alas, not a single problem, and how many problems are there to be solved?However, as soon as I thought about nothing, it didn't matter, and all problems disappeared.

Right after that I figured out the truth.I figured it out last November, to be precise, on November 3rd last year.I can remember every moment of my life since then.It happened on a pitch-black night, the only night I'm afraid it was so dark.It was past ten o'clock and I was going home.Remember, I was thinking there was no darker time, felt even physically.It had been pouring down all day, and it was the coldest, most gloomy, even frightening downpour.I remember that the rain even had a kind of open hostility towards people.But at ten o'clock, it stopped suddenly, exuding a horrible dampness, which was more humid and colder than when it rained.Every stone slab on the street, every alley, is emitting mist everywhere.If you look into the alley from the street, it is also foggy inside.It occurred to me that it would be more pleasant if all the street lights were extinguished, because it illuminates everything brightly, which makes people feel sad.I hardly ate anything that day, and arrived early in the evening at the house of an engineer, where two of his friends were sitting.I kept silent, which seemed to annoy them.They talked about something attractive, and even suddenly became angry.But in my opinion, they don't care at all, their excitement is just a show.I suddenly expressed my thoughts to them: "Gentlemen, I said you don't care at all." They didn't get angry when they heard this, but laughed at me instead.This is because my words are not meant to be reproachful, but just that I feel that all is indifferent.They cheered up when they saw that I didn't care.

When I walk down the street and think about street lights, I look at the sky from time to time.The sky was terribly dark, but the torn clouds could still be clearly distinguished, and between the clouds were bottomless black spots.On a black spot, I suddenly found a small star, so I observed it carefully.This is because the little star reminded me: I decided to kill myself tonight.I made up my mind to do this two months ago, and despite my poverty, bought a nice pistol and loaded it the same day.However, two months had passed and the pistol was still in the drawer.But indifferently, I want to find a time that is not so indifferent in the end. Why this is so, I don't know myself.So, for two months, I came home every night thinking of suicide.I've been waiting for that opportunity.And now this little star reminds me, I decided to kill myself tonight.Why did the little star remind me, I don't understand.

I was looking up at the night sky when suddenly a little girl grabbed my sleeve.The streets are already empty, almost no one is there.In the distance a coachman was sleeping in his buggy.The little girl was about eight years old, wrapped in a headscarf and a jacket, and was dripping wet.But what I especially remember, and still remember, were her wet, battered shoes.Her shoes especially caught my attention.She suddenly grabbed my sleeve and yelled.She didn't cry, but she seemed to be shouting something intermittently, and she couldn't speak clearly because she was shivering from the cold.She was frightened by something, and cried out in despair, "Good mother! Good mother!" I turned my head towards her, but went on walking without saying anything, but she ran up and stopped me.Her voice conveyed the desperation of a frightened child.I am familiar with this sound.Although she didn't finish the sentence, I understood that either her mother was dying somewhere, or something happened to them there, so she ran out and called for someone, trying to find something to help her mother.However, I didn't follow her. On the contrary, I suddenly thought of driving her away.At first, I asked her to go to the police, but she let go, whimpering, panting, and kept running beside me, refusing to leave.So, I stomped at her and roared.She just shouted: "Master! Master!

..." She left me suddenly, and quickly crossed the street: a pedestrian came from the other side of the street. It seems that she no longer followed me, but went to find the pedestrian. I went up to my quarters on the fifth floor.I don't live with my host, I have my own room.My room was small and crude, with one of those half-circular windows that are often found in attics.There was a sofa covered in patent leather, a table with books on it, two chairs, and a comfortable easy chair, which, though very old, was a high-backed, deep-backed Voltaireian chair.I sit down, light a candle, and start thinking.There was a lot of noise in the next room, and it had been like this for the past three days.A retired captain lived there, and he invited a large group of guests—five or six wine and meat friends, who were drinking, playing cards and gambling.They actually got into a fight last night, and I know that two of them grabbed each other's hair for a long time.The landlady wanted to count them, but was afraid of the captain.We also had another family of tenants living here: a small wife of the captain with three young children.After they moved in, the children fell ill.The wife and children were so afraid of the captain that they fainted, trembling and crossing themselves all night, and her youngest son was frightened into an epileptic fit.I know for certain that the Captain sometimes stops people on the Nevsky Prospekt for begging.He found no employment, but strangely enough (I was about to say this) he lived in me for a whole month without giving me any trouble.Naturally, I avoided his acquaintance from the beginning, and he was not interested in me from the beginning.But they were on the other side of the wall, and no matter how much they shouted, or how many of them there were—I never cared.I sat all night and did not hear them argue, fight - or even forget about them.I've been up all night every night for a year now.I sat all night in the easy chair at the table doing nothing but reading during the day.I just sit like this and don't think about anything, and if any thought flashes in my mind, I just let it go.Light a candle every night.I sat down quietly at the table, took out the pistol and put it in front of me.When I put down the pistol, I remember asking myself, "Is that so?" and then answering myself emphatically, "That's it." That was suicide.I know I'm going to kill myself tonight, and how long I'm going to sit at this table—I can't tell.If the little girl hadn't appeared, I would have committed suicide long ago.

Two, you need to know: Although I don't care at all, I can still feel pain if it is taken as an example.If someone hits me, I feel pain.The same is true mentally: if something pitiful happens, I feel pitiful, as I did in my previous life when I was not indifferent to anything.I also had compassion for that little girl: I must help her.But why didn't I help?It was because a thought arose at that time: when she grabbed me and called me, a question suddenly appeared in front of me, and I couldn't solve it.The question is boring, but I'm pissed off.I am angry because I have come to the conclusion that since I have decided to kill myself tonight, I am now more indifferent to everything in the world than I have ever been.Why do I suddenly feel that I don't care about nothing, and pity a little girl?I remember sympathizing with her so much that I felt a strange pang, which in my situation was almost unbelievable.True, I can't express better what fleeting feeling I had then, but it persisted until I got home and sat down at the table, to the point where I was so angry I hadn't felt in a long time .Inferences come one after another.Obviously, since I am human and not empty, and have not vanished into nothing for the time being, I am still alive, and therefore suffer, have anger, and feel ashamed of my behavior.Let it be.But since I'm going to kill myself, say, in two hours, what does the little girl matter to me?What does shame and everything in the world have to do with me?I am about to vanish into nothingness, to perish completely.I know that I am going to disappear completely, and therefore nothing will exist, but this knowledge must have no effect on my love for the little girl, on my shame after doing something mean?You know, that's why I stomped on the unfortunate little girl and yelled at her roughly, as if to say, "Not only do I have no empathy, but if I'm to commit inhuman infamy, I can do it now." Do it, because in two hours it will all be gone." Can you believe it?That's why I yelled at her.I am now almost convinced of this.It is quite evident that life and the world now seem to depend on me, and it is even possible to say that the world is now created for me alone: ​​I kill myself, and the world is no more, at least for me. in this way.As soon as my perception disappears, the whole world disappears with it, like a ghost, like the perception attached to me, because the whole world and all mankind may be myself.As for the fact that, after my death, there may really be nothing for anyone, this need not be said.I remember sitting there going over and over all these new questions that came up, and even having strange ideas and fantasies.For instance, it occurred to me that if I had once lived on the moon or Mars, where I had done the most outrageous things and been reprimanded and humiliated, I could only sometimes feel and imagine them in dreams or nightmares; If, afterward, I came to the earth, and remembered what I had done on other planets, and, besides, knew that I would never return to the moon, then, when I looked up at the moon from the earth,— Do you feel that nothing matters?Are you ashamed of your own infamy?It was useless and superfluous to ponder these questions, for the pistol was before me, and my whole being felt that it was bound to happen.But these questions irritate me and make me angry.I don't seem to be able to die just yet without first getting the problem straight.Anyway, this little girl saved me from my delayed suicide due to these issues.At this moment, the noise in the captain's room began to subside: they were going to sleep after playing cards, but for a while there were still people muttering nonsense and swearing softly and lazily.Just then, sitting in the easy chair by the table, I suddenly fell asleep, which has never happened before.I fell asleep completely unconsciously.We all know that dreams are strange things: some are very clear, and the details are as exquisite as jewelry;Dreams seem to be caused not by the intellect but by the will, not by the brain but by the heart; and yet my reason is sometimes so cunning in dreams, and can produce some utterly inconceivable things.For example, it has been five years since my brother passed away, and I sometimes dream about him: he helps me with things, we care for each other, and I have always been very clear and remember in my dreams that my brother is dead and buried.Although he is dead, he is still busy for me by my side. Why does my reason completely tolerate all this happening?Well, let’s not talk about this, let’s talk about my dream.Yes, I had a dream, the dream of November 3rd!

They still laugh at me, saying it was just a dream.However, since that dream can tell me the truth, doesn't it matter whether it is a dream or not?If you have discovered and recognized the truth, then, whether you are asleep or awake, you know that this is the truth, and there is no other truth and there can be no other truth.Well, even if it’s a dream, even if it’s like this, but I’m going to kill myself to end the life you’ve talked about, and my dream, my dream—ah, showed me A new kind of radiant, rejuvenated, energized life! Please hear me go on. Three As I said, I fell asleep unknowingly, as if I was still thinking about those problems.I suddenly dreamed that I was sitting there with a pistol pointed straight at the heart--the heart, not the head; I was going to shoot right at the right temple before I was going to aim at the head.I aimed my chest and waited for a second or two, and suddenly the candles, tables and walls in the room were all shaking and spinning before my eyes.I hastily fired a shot.

You sometimes dream of falling from a high place, or being hacked, but you never feel pain unless you actually hit the bed yourself, and you often wake up from the pain.It was the same when I was dreaming this time: I didn't feel any pain, but I felt that the whole body was shaken by a gunshot, everything disappeared immediately, and the surroundings were pitch black.I seemed to be blind and deaf, lying on my back stiff on something hard, unable to see or move.People were walking up and down beside me, shouting, the captain was whispering, the landlady was screaming,--suddenly the uproar stopped, and it turned out that they were carrying me in a closed coffin.I felt the coffin shaking, and thinking about the reason, I was suddenly shocked: I was already dead, really dead.I understood, without doubt, that I could not see or move, yet feel and think.However, I immediately let it be, and accepted this reality calmly, as I usually do in my dreams.

So they buried me in the ground.They're all gone, and I'm left alone, all alone.I can't move.When I wasn't in a dream, I used to think about how I would be buried in a grave, and all I could associate with a grave was damp and cold, and now I'm really cold, especially the tips of my toes, but nothing else felt it.I lay, strangely hopeless, and calmly admitted that the dead had nothing to look forward to.But it just felt damp.I don't know how long I lay there--an hour, or a few days, maybe many days.But suddenly, a drop of water seeped from the lid of the coffin and fell on my closed left eye. After a minute, another drop, and after another minute, a third drop, and it continued like this, one drop every minute.An incomparable resentment rose from the bottom of my heart, and I felt a pain in my heart. "This is a wound", I thought for a while. "It's a gunshot wound, and there's a bullet in it..." The water was still dripping, one drop every minute, straight onto my closed eye.I suddenly prayed, not with my voice, because I couldn't move, but with my whole body and mind, I prayed to the master who made me like this: "It doesn't matter who you are, but if you are here, if There is something more reasonable than what is happening now, so let it be here too. And if you kill yourself because of my lack of reason, and you want to get back at me and make my life miserable and ridiculous, then Note, that nothing I suffer at any time shall be able to compare with the shame that I shall bear in silence, even if the suffering lasts for millions of years! . . . "

I begged to stop talking, and there was a deep silence that lasted almost a full minute.Another drop of water fell, but I knew, and knew and believed, that everything was about to change.No, my grave really burst open.That is to say, I don't know whether the tomb was opened or dug, but I was caught by a black monster that I had never seen before, so we came to the sky unknowingly.I suddenly discovered: this is a late night, an unprecedented dark night!We are flying through space far from Earth.I don't ask any questions about the monster that grabbed me, I wait, I am very proud.I was convinced that I would not be afraid, and the thought of not being afraid gave me a thrill.I can't remember how long it took to fly, and I can't even imagine it, because everything is like normal dreaming, when you travel through time and space, beyond the laws of existence and reason, you only stop at the dream point of the mind .I remember, I suddenly saw a small star in the dark. "Is this Sirius?" I suddenly couldn't help asking, because I didn't want to ask anything. "No, this is the star you saw through the clouds when you came home," replied the monster who had captivated me.Only then did I see that the monster had a face that seemed to be human.The strange thing is that I don't like this monster, and I even feel very disgusted by it.What I expected was utter nothingness, which is why I shot myself in the heart.Now I am in the hands of a monster, it is certainly not a human being, but it exists and is alive: "Ah, so there is life outside the tomb!" I was thinking wildly like a dream , but my heart remains the same. "If resurrection," I thought, "living under someone's will again, then I will not accept other people's control and abuse!" "You know that I am afraid of you, so you look down on me. "I suddenly asked my traveling companion a question without regard for decency, saying that this question contained a sense of self-confession, so I felt humiliated like a needle prick in the bottom of my heart.He didn't answer me, but I felt at once that I was not despised, ridiculed, or pitied, and that the purpose of our trip was unclear and mysterious, but it concerned me alone.A sense of fear slowly rose in my heart.Something in my silent traveling companion infected me silently but painfully, seemed to surge through me.We zip through the dark and mysterious space.I haven't seen those familiar stars for a long time.I know that the light of some stars in space takes thousands or even millions of years to reach the earth, and we may have traveled this distance.In the agony of agony I seemed to be expecting something.Suddenly, a familiar gripping feeling shook me: I suddenly saw our sun.I know that this cannot be the sun that raised our earth, we are infinitely far away from our sun, but for some reason, my whole body and mind feel that this sun is exactly the same as our sun, a replica of our sun , the twin brother of our sun.A heart-pounding sweetness stirred up a surge of relief in my heart: the power of the gracious sunshine that gave me reverberated in my heart, revived my soul, and for the first time since I was buried, I felt alive, the old one vitality.

"And if this is the sun, if this is indeed our sun," I exclaimed, "So, where is the earth?" My traveling companion pointed out a small star that shone green in the dark.We flew straight for it. "Is there really something exactly the same in the universe? Is the law of nature really like this?... If this is another earth, is it exactly the same as ours... and our unfortunate, poor, but precious, Is the ever-lovely earth exactly the same as ours, which arouses bitter love for it even in the most ungrateful of children? . nostalgia.The image of the poor little girl I rejected flashed by in front of me. "You'll see everything," replied my traveling companion.It could be heard that there was sadness in his words.We are rapidly approaching the planet, and the planet is getting bigger and bigger in my eyes. I can already distinguish the outline of the ocean and Europe, and a strange great and pure jealousy suddenly surges in my heart: "How could there be The same thing? And for what? I love, and only love, the earth I left, on which my blood was sprinkled when I, the ungrateful man, shot into the atrium to end my life. But any time, At no time did I break my love for that earth, and even on the night I left it, perhaps more bitterly than ever. Is there pain on this new earth? On our earth, we It is true that there is only pain to love, and I know no other way to love it. For love, I am willing to suffer. I am willing, I long to kiss the earth that I leave with tears in my eyes right now , I don’t want to, and I don’t accept being resurrected on any other earth!…” But my traveling companions have abandoned me.I seemed to have come to another earth in an instant without feeling it - a paradise on earth under a sunny day. I seemed to be standing on a small island among the Greek islands of our globe, or somewhere off the coast of the mainland that adjoins these islands.Ah, everything is exactly as it is on our earth, but there seems to be a festive atmosphere everywhere, full of great, holy, and finally triumphant joy.The gentle, turquoise sea lapped gently on the banks and kissed the shore with an undisguised, almost single-minded love.The trees are towering, beautiful and verdant, and the green leaves rustle softly and intimately. I feel like they are telling love words to welcome me.The dense weeds are full of flowers, and the fragrance is overflowing.Flocks of birds flew across the sky, landed on my shoulders and hands without fear, flapped their cute little wings, and patted me happily.I finally met and got to know the people of this paradise.They took the initiative to come over, hug me, kiss me.They are children of the sun, children of their own sun,—oh, how handsome they are!On our earth, I have never seen a person so beautiful.Perhaps it is only in our children, in their childhood, that we can find the ancient, albeit vague, traces of this beauty.The eyes of these happy people shone brightly, their faces shone with intelligence and poise, and every countenance was beaming; their words and voices were full of innocent joy.Ah, one glance at them, and everything is clear to me at once!This is a pure land that has not been polluted by evil deeds. Those who live on it are some innocent people. They live in this paradise. According to the ancestors, this is also the place where our sinful ancestors once lived. The only difference is that there is heaven everywhere.People laughed, flocked to me, made love to me, led me home, and all comforted me. Ah, they don't ask me anything, but they seem to know everything, and I think they want to get the pain off my face as quickly as possible. IV But you know, alas, this is only a dream!But the feeling of the kindness of these pure and beautiful people has always remained in my heart, and I feel that their kindness continues to affect me to this day.I've seen them, I know them and I believe in them.I liked them and later suffered for them.Ah, even then it dawned on me right away that in many ways I didn't fully understand them; I, as a contemporary Russian progressive and a humble Petersburger, didn't seem to get over the fact that they didn't have the education we have but know so much many things.However, I soon understood that their knowledge was enriched and absorbed in a different way from ours on Earth, and their pursuits were completely different.They don't compete with the world, they are indifferent to fame and wealth, they don't try to find a life like us, because they live to the fullest. But their knowledge is much higher than ours, because our knowledge seeks to explain what life is, to know life, in order to teach others to live; and they know how to live without science.I understand that, but I don't understand their knowledge.They pointed me to appreciate their trees, but I couldn't understand the affection they had when admiring the trees: they seemed to be of the same kind, and their hearts were connected.You know I'm probably right if I say they can talk to trees!Yes, they have found the language of the trees, and I am sure the trees understand theirs too.This is how they view all of nature, including animals. The animals live peacefully with them, do not attack them, love them, and are tamed by their love.They showed me how to look at the stars and talked to me about them. I couldn't understand them, but I believed they seemed to have some way of communicating with them, not just in thought, but in a lively way. way.Ah, these people don't force me to understand them, I don't understand, they still love me, but I know that they will never understand me, so I hardly talk to them about our earth.In front of them, I just kiss the land where they live to express my silent respect for them.When they see it, let me express it, and they will not be ashamed of my respect, because they themselves are also very respected. I sometimes kiss their feet with tears all over their faces, and they don't feel sorry for me. How excited I am when I know how much love they will return to me! I sometimes ask myself in amazement: How come they never bully someone like me, never arouse jealousy and envy in someone like me?I have asked myself many times: How can I, a big liar, not tell them what I know, which of course they know nothing, and how can I not want to shock them by this, or even just Out of love for them?They were all jumping up and down and having a good time like children.They roamed in their fair gardens and woods, and sang their sweet songs, and ate easy food, the fruit of their own trees, the honey of their own forests, and the milk of animals that loved them.They can easily solve their own food and clothing problems with only minor labor.They have sex with men and women, and have children, but I have never discovered that they are greedy, lewd, lustful, and lustful.Almost all people on our planet cannot escape the doom of lust, which is the root of all human evils.They rejoiced at the arrival of a new life, a newcomer to their happy paradise.They did not quarrel with each other, nor were they jealous, nor did they even know what quarrels and jealousy were.Their children belong to everyone because we form a family.They were almost entirely free from disease, though there was death; their old man died peacefully, as if in sleep, and was surrounded by the crowd, who blessed them with a smile, and were greeted with joyful smiles.At this time, I didn't see people sad or crying, but only doubled the ecstatic love, but it was a kind of calm, full and quiet ecstasy.It can be assumed that they and the deceased continued to communicate with each other even after his death, and that death severed their earthly ties with each other.When I asked them whether they had eternal life, they could hardly understand me, but apparently they believed so firmly that it was no question to them.They don't have temples here, but they have a solid, vital, and inseparable connection with the entire universe; they don't believe in religion, but they believe that when the joys of the world reach the limit of the world, then, for them—the living and the living For the dead, a wider communion with the whole universe comes. They were looking forward to this moment with great interest, calm and carefree, as if they had already planned their plans and exchanged information.Before going to bed every night, they love to sing harmonious and melodious songs together.They use these songs to express the various feelings of the day, to celebrate and say goodbye to the day that is about to pass.They praise nature, the land, the sea, and the forest.They like to write songs about each other, and praise each other like children; these are some unpretentious songs, but they come from the heart and touch the heart.Not only in songs, but it seems that throughout their lives, they admire each other.It was an all-encompassing, common-sense admiration.There were other songs, so solemn and unrestrained, that I hardly understood them at all.I know the lyrics, but I can't always taste the full meaning of them.My brain seems to be difficult to understand, but my heart seems to understand more and more without knowing it.I have often said to them that all this I had foreseen in the past, that all these joys and hymns were to me on our earth a great trouble, and sometimes an unbearable pain; When I have a longing, I have a premonition that there will be people like them and their praises; on our earth, facing the setting sun that is setting in the west, I often cry... I hate the people on our earth, but hatred always contains Desperate: Why do I hate them and yet have to love them?Why can't I not forgive them?I love them, but there is always anguish in love: why should I love them and hate them at the same time?It can be seen that the people here did not understand what I said after listening to it, but I will not feel sorry because I spoke to them because I know that they understand that I miss those people I left infinitely.Yes, when they looked at me with loving eyes full of caress, when I was in front of them, I felt that my heart gradually became as pure and honest as theirs, and I no longer felt embarrassed because I didn't understand them. I'm sorry.Life is so full and full.身临其境的一番感受使我精神激奋，于是我默默地祝福他们。 啊，所有的人现在都当面嘲笑我，一口咬定说，梦里的东西不可能像我现在所描述的那样细致入微，我在梦中的所见或感受不过是梦境产生的幻象，而那些细节是我梦醒后自己杜撰出来的。当我向他们坦言，说实际上也许是如此时——天啊，他们当着我的面笑得有多欢，他们有多快活啊！是啊，真的如此，我完全被梦幻的感受陶醉了，而且只有这种感受才完整地保留在我备受创伤的心中：可是，梦中真实的形体和真实的形态，即梦境中实际所见的那些形象，丰满得如此和谐，如此美妙，如此生动，以致我梦醒后自然无法用我们贫乏的语言去表达出来，因而它们在我的脑海里必然变得淡漠起来，于是在后来，我也许真的不自觉地编造出一些细节，尤其在情急之下想一吐为快，失实之事自然难免了。不过，我怎能不相信这都是实有的呢？事实也许比我说的还要完美、清晰和兴味千倍呢？就算这是一场梦，然而，这一切不可能是没有的。您听我说个秘密吧：也许所有这一切根本就不是梦呢！因为当时发生的事逼真得如此惊人，梦中是不能构想出来的。暂且说，这梦是我心里想成的，但是，我的心难道能虚构出后来遇到的那种惊心动魄的真理吗？我自个儿在心里怎么可能臆造或幻想出那种真理呢？我那渺小的心脏和空虚、多变的头脑，怎么能达到那真理的灵感呢！啊，您自己评评吧。我一直隐瞒到现在，但如今我要把这真理和盘托出来。问题是我……把他们全都教坏啦！ 五是啊，是啊，结果是我把他们全教坏啦！这怎么会发生的——我不明白，但我记得清清楚楚。梦境穿越数千年，在我心里仅仅留下整体的感受。我只知道，他们堕落的原因是我。我像一条可憎的毛虫，又像传染了许多国家的鼠疫杆菌，把这块我来之前没有罪恶的乐土全玷污了。他们学会了撒谎，爱上了虚伪，尝到了谎言的甜头。唉，起初他们也许·本·无·邪·念，只是出于戏谑、卖弄、好玩，也许真有点儿动心，可是这一动心竟深入心底，正合他们的心意。随后就出现了淫欲，淫欲滋生忌妒，忌妒导致残暴……唉，我不明白，也记不起了，但很快就发生了第一次流血：他们惊讶、恐惧，开始出现分歧，随后就分道扬镳。派别出现了，他们互相敌视，漫骂、指责。他们尝到了羞辱的滋味，并将它视为一种美德。有了荣誉的观念，各派自立旗号。他们开始虐待动物，动物躲避他们逃入森林，并成了他们的仇敌。为了拉山头，立门户，争名夺利，互相斗殴。他们势不两立，视对方若寇仇。他们品尝了灾难，并且爱上了灾难。他们渴望苦难，说只有经过苦难才会赢来真理。这时，他们发明了学问。他们恶贯满盈时，却说什么手足亲情、人道主义，而且很了解这些字眼的含义。他们罪行累累时，却想出什么正义来，并且制定一套套的法典维护正义，而为了法典的执行架起了断头台。他们对往事已经记忆模糊，甚至不愿相信自己曾经是纯洁、幸福的，连过去是否幸福也一笑置之，说那是梦幻罢了。他们甚至无法想象出幸福的模样，而奇怪的是：他们绝不相信往日有过幸福，认为那是一种神话。他们渴望重新做个纯洁、幸福者，像孩童那样心系愿望，把它奉若神明，修建神庙，为自己的理想和“希望”祈祷，同时又深知好梦难圆，希望无法实现，却又眼泪汪汪地对它顶礼膜拜，敬若神明。可是，倘若他们能够回到他们失去的那块纯洁无瑕的福地去，倘若有人突然把这地方重新展现给他们，问他们是否愿意返回故土，那他们一定会予以拒绝。他们回答说：“即使我们虚伪、凶恶、行为不轨，这一点我们·清·楚，并为此而痛哭、苦恼、自我折磨、自我惩罚，其程度也许更甚于尚不知姓氏的仁慈法官将要对我们的审判。但我们有学问，学问将使我们重新找到真理，我们会自觉接受真理，认识重于感觉，对生活的了解重于生活本身。学问将给我们聪慧，聪慧将发现规律，而认识幸福的规律重于幸福。”他们就是这么说，说过之后更是只顾自己，再说，他们也不可能有别的选择。每个人都死抱私利，挖空心思去损害和减少别人的利益，认为生存就是如此。于是，出现了奴役，甚至是自愿的奴役：弱者甘心屈服于强者，以便强者帮助他们去压迫更弱者。出现了贤达之士。贤达挥泪进谏，——数说他们妄自尊大、肆无忌惮、失却和谐以及寡廉鲜耻。贤达遭到嘲讽和打击，他们的鲜血洒在圣殿的门上。可是，出现了另一些人，他们开始考虑：如何把所有的人重新联合起来，让每个人照旧只顾自己，同时又不妨碍他人，从而使大家如同生活在一个友好的社会中。为了这一理想，爆发了一次又一次的战争。所有参战者这时都坚信，学问、智慧和自我保全意识，最终必将使人们联结成为一个和睦共处、有理性的社会，而眼下为了加快事业的进程，“智者”在竭力尽快把“愚人”和不了解他们理想的人全都消灭，以免妨碍理想的实现。但是，自我保全意识开始迅速减弱，出现了骄横者和贪淫者，他们公然要求占有一切或抛弃一切。为了占有一切，他们为非作歹，如若不能得逞——便自杀身亡。 出现了各种宗教，崇拜虚无和自戕，以期在虚无缥缈中求取永恒的安息。这些人在徒劳中终于疲惫不堪，满脸苦相，而他们还宣称受苦是一种享受，因为在受苦中才有思想。他们编撰歌曲颂扬苦难。我痛心疾首地来到他们中间，为他们惋惜，不过，我也许比过去更爱他们，那时他们的脸上还没有痛苦，他们还是纯洁、美丽的。他们的这块土地原本是天堂，而今被他们玷污了，有了灾难，我才更爱它。唉，我老是喜欢灾难和痛苦，但只是为了自我担待，而对于他们我怜悯得痛哭流涕。我祈求他们原谅，我无限自责、自咒和自我鄙薄。 我对他们说，这一切都是我干的，是我一个人干的；是我给他们带来了伤风败俗、道德沦丧与弄虚作假，我恳求他们把我钉在十字架上，我教他们做十字架。我不能，也无力自杀，但我情愿接受他们的折磨，我渴望痛苦，渴望在痛苦中洒尽我最后的一滴血。可是，他们只是嘲笑我，最后竟把我看作疯子。他们不认为我有罪，表示只接受符合他们意愿的事，整个现状则不能改变。最后，他们向我宣布，我对他们构成了危害，如果我不闭上嘴的话，就要把我关进疯人院。当时我心如刀割，痛不欲生，觉得快要死了，这时……正在这时我醒过来了。 此时已是清晨，也就是天色尚未破晓，但也有五点钟左右了。我是坐在安乐椅里醒过来的，蜡烛已经燃完，大尉房里的人都已进入梦乡，四周静悄悄的，我们住宅里很少是这样。首先，我异常吃惊地跳将起来；过去，我从未发生类似的情况，哪怕是鸡毛蒜皮的事：比如，我就从来没有在安乐椅里这样睡着过。突然间，当我站着慢慢清醒过来时，——那支子弹上了膛准备好的手枪倏地扑入我的眼帘，可我一把将它推开了！啊，我现在要活下去，活下去！我举起双手疾呼永恒的真理；不是疾呼，而是哭泣；我浑身充满狂热，无比的狂热。对，活下去，就——传道去！此刻我决心去传道，而且始终不渝！我要去传道，去传道——传什么道？传播真理，因为我看到了真理，我亲眼看见真理的光华四射！ 于是，从那时起我就传起道来了！还有——我爱所有嘲笑我的人，胜似其他所有的人。为什么是这样——我不明白，也无法解释清楚，不过，就让它这样吧。他们都说我糊涂了，就是说，要是眼下都这么糊涂，那么往后可怎么办呢？事实的确如此：我是糊涂了，往后也许更糟。无疑，当我要搞清怎样去传道时，也就是该说些什么话，该做些什么事的时候，我一定会有很多错，因为传道这件事是很难做好的。瞧，我现在把一切都弄清楚了，不过，请听我说：谁能不出错呢！然而要知道，上至圣贤，下至盗匪，大家起码都朝着同一方向，奔向同一目标，只是各人的路子不同而已。这是一个古老的真理，不过，这里也有新情况：我不可能完全糊涂，因为我看到了真理，我看出并且知道，人是会变得美丽、幸福，不会丧失生存能力的。我不愿意也不会相信，邪恶是人类的常态。你知道，他们大家嘲笑的正是我的这种信念。可我怎么能没有这个信念呢：我看到了真理，——那不是我脑子里臆造出来的，而是我看到的，看到的，它那栩栩如生的形象永远充溢我心间。我看到的真理是如此的完美，以致我不可能相信人类会没有真理。总之，我怎么会糊涂呢？当然啦，发生偏差，甚至可能好多次，也还可能说出一些见外的话，但这不会为时太久，因为我所看到的活生生的形象将永远与我同在，并永远匡正我，指引我。啊，我精神振奋，朝气蓬勃，向前，向前，哪怕走他一千年。您知道，我把他们全教坏了，起初我甚至想隐瞒，但这是错误的——是我的第一个错误！不过，真理对我耳语，说我在撒谎，却又护卫我，引导我。可是，天堂是如何建造起来的——我不知道，因为我不善于用言辞去描述。梦醒后我遗忘了许多，至少把一些主要的、重要的词语给忘了。不过，即使如此，我还是要去说，不停地说，因为毕竟是我亲眼所见，哪怕我不善于描绘我的所见所闻。然而嘲笑我的人并不了解这一点，他们说：“你见到的是梦幻、幻觉、幻象，”嗨！难道这是什么聪明透顶？他们竟是那么自鸣得意！Dream?什么是梦呢？我们的一生不就是一场梦吗？我要再说一遍：哪怕这梦永远不能实现，哪怕不会有什么天堂（这一点我已经明了！）——可我还是要去传道。其实，这很简单：只消一天，·一·个·小·时，一切便会一蹴而就的！重要的是你要像爱自己那样去爱别人，这是关键所在，这也就是一切，别的什么都无所谓，因为你马上就会知道如何建立起天堂了。其实，这不过是个古老的真理，被人们重复、背诵过不知多少遍，可它却没有生存下来！所谓“对生活的了解重于生活本身，认识幸福的规律重于幸福”——必须与之进行斗争！我将参加斗争。只要大家有此心愿，那么便会马到成功！ 我一定要找到那个小女孩……我这就去！就去！