Chapter 11 White Night - Excerpt from the Memoirs of a Visionary (Sentimental Novel)-1

...or is it (the flower) created to be close to your heart, even for a short moment? ... ①Ivan Turgenev's first night It was a wonderful night.Nights like that, dear reader, probably only occur when we are young and childish.At that time the sky was full of stars, fresh and transparent.When you look up, you can't help but ask yourself: Under such a sky, can there be people who are angry and moody?This too is a childish question, dear reader, very childish, and may God use it often to touch your soul! ... Since the above mentioned angry and moody gentlemen, I① these three lines are quoted from Turgenev's "Little Flower", but the quotation is slightly different from the original.The original poem is: "You must know that the birth of the little flower is to stay by your heart for a moment!"

It is impossible not to recall my noble deeds throughout the day. Since early in the morning I have been tormented by an inexplicable distress.I suddenly felt: I was alone, being abandoned by everyone, and everyone was leaving me.Of course, anyone has the right to ask: who are all these people?Because I have lived in Petersburg for eight years and have not met anyone.But then again, what am I going to do with people?You know Petersburg even if you don’t know me.So, as soon as all Petersburgers packed their bags and went out for a sudden summer ride, I felt like everyone was going to abandon me.

I find it terrifying to be left alone.For three whole days I wandered about the city with deep sorrow, not knowing what had happened to me.Whether I went up Nevsky Prospekt, into the central park, or strolled along the promenade, I saw none of the people I used to see at a certain time and place.Of course they did not know me, but I did know them, not only in general, but even through careful study of their appearance.When they are happy, I am also happy; when they are gloomy and gloomy, I am also gloomy.I almost struck up a friendship with a little old man.I met him every day at a fixed time on the banks of the Fontanka.He looks dignified and pensive, always muttering to himself, and waving his left hand from time to time, while his right hand holds a long crutch with many knots inlaid with gold on the top.He even noticed me and expressed genuine concern for me.I am sure he would be disturbed if I did not appear at a certain time at the fixed place by the Fontanka.The only thing is, we sometimes almost get to the point of bowing to each other, especially when we're both in a good mood.In the past, we hadn’t seen each other for two whole days. When we saw each other on the third day, we couldn’t help but reached out to grab our hats, ready to bow and say hello. Fortunately, we woke up in time, so we put our hands down, and then passed each other with great concern.

I am also very familiar with the houses.Whenever I walk down the street, it seems like every house runs up in front of me, opens all the windows, and almost says to me, "Hello! How are you? Bless God , I'm healthy, and I'm going to go up another floor in May." Or say, "How's your body? I'm going to have a renovation tomorrow." Or, "I almost burned out, but Scared me to death!" And so on.Among these houses, some I like very much, and some are even like my closest friends.One of them plans to invite an architect to treat it this summer, and I will visit it every day. I can't let it be repaired and broken, and I hope God blesses it to be cured! ...

But I will never forget the experience of a beautiful house in pink. It was a very lovely stone house, looking at me with such politeness, and with such pride at its clumsy neighbours.Whenever I walk by it, I can't restrain the joy in my heart.I was walking down the street last week, and looking at my friend, I heard him complaining, "They're painting me yellow!" Murderers!These savage thugs!They spared nothing, including columns and cornices, so my friend was all yellow, yellow as a canary.For this matter, I almost exploded!Until now I have not been able to meet my poor friend, which has been ruined beyond recognition, and its whole body is dyed with the colors of the world empire.

Now, Mr. Reader, you should understand how well I know all of Petersburg! As I said before, before I find out the reason for my restlessness, I ①here refers to the color of the yellow dragon flag of the Qing Dynasty in our country. It was painful for three days.When I got to the street, I felt very unhappy. This person didn't come out, I didn't see that person, and I don't know where so-and-so hid.I also felt awkward when I got home.I thought hard for two nights, what is missing in my little corner?Why is being here so uncomfortable?Puzzled, I carefully inspected the green walls blackened by oily smoke and the ceiling covered with cobwebs (the existence of the cobwebs was completely the result of Materina's "very successful" nurturing), and I repeated Go through all my furniture, go through every chair, and think: Could this be the problem?Because as long as a chair is placed in a different place than yesterday, I feel restless and unable to control myself.I keep looking out of the window, it's no use, it's all a waste of time... I don't feel at ease at all.I even called Materina to me and, like a strict father, reprimanded her for making the house full of cobwebs and messy.But she just looked at me in shock and walked away without answering me.So those cobwebs are still hanging there intact to this day.

It wasn't until this morning that I finally guessed what the problem was.Oh, it turns out that people are leaving me and fleeing to the dacha!Excuse my vulgarity, I can't care less about the choice of elegant words... Because everyone in Petersburg has either gone to the dacha by car, or packed up and is going to go; because everyone is handsome and has a coachman The venerable gentleman, who at once became in my eyes a respectable patriarch, has now left his daily business, and is driving in a buggy to the villa where his family gathers; for Every passerby now has a very special expression, almost saying to everyone: "Everyone, I am just passing by here, and in one or two hours, we will go to the villa by car."

A window opened, first a pair of slender hands as white as sugar beat on the casement like drums, and then a beautiful girl poked her head out and called the potted flower vendor to the window. At that time, I felt that people bought these flowers not to put them in the suffocating city living room for people to enjoy the spring, but to be taken and transported to people's summer villas soon. Besides, I have made great progress in one particular discovery, and have been able to tell who lives in which villa just by appearance.Stone Isle and Apothecary Isle, or the inhabitants of Petergoff Street, were distinguished by their elegance, their fine summer clothes, and their carriages into town in luxury.The inhabitants of Balgolov or further afield show their reason and style at a glance.The most striking feature of Christopher Island travelers is their laid-back, cheerful expressions.I have often encountered long convoys, with drivers lolling beside their wagons, holding the reins, loaded with all kinds of furniture, tables and chairs of every kind, sofas, Turkish or not Turkish, and other Household items piled up like a mountain.In addition, there is often an old, frail, puffy cook sitting on the roof of the car. She guards the master's belongings as carefully as she protects her own eyes.I also saw small boats laden with household goods sailing along the Neva and Fontanka toward the Black River or other small islands.In my eyes, these ships and the goods they carried changed ten times and multiplied ten times, as if everything had been tidied up, packed away in carts and boats, and moved to the villa one by one.The whole of Petersburg seemed to be in danger of being reduced to ruins.I feel ashamed, sad and angry about it.I had nowhere to go and no need to escape the heat.I was going to follow a cab at random, or go with any good-looking gentleman who hired a cab, but no one, no one invited me, as if they all forgot about me, as if I What a stranger to them!

I walked for a long, long time, and walked a long, long distance. As usual, I completely forgot where I was walking, and suddenly found that I came to the checkpoint at the gate of the city.At this time, I was very happy, so I stepped over the crossbar blocking the road and walked between the overplanted fields and meadows. I forgot my fatigue, and just felt a heavy burden disappear from my heart.All the passing passengers looked at me politely and almost nodded at me.I don't know why, but all the people are happy and without exception are smoking.So I am also happy, this has never happened before.I seem to have come to Italy suddenly. The beauty of nature amazed me, a petty citizen who seemed to be sick and almost breathless in the city.

The natural scenery of our Petersburg also has its incomparable beauty. Once spring comes, it will glow with its vitality and show all the power endowed by heaven.The flowers and trees spit out tender green leaves, put on beautiful new clothes, and bloom colorful and colorful flowers. ... It reminds you involuntarily of that sickly, thin girl, to whom you look at one moment with pity, then with a kind of sympathetic love, and then with complete indifference and indifference.But suddenly she unexpectedly becomes indescribably beautiful and moving, and you can't help but ask yourself in shock, what is the force that makes these melancholy, pensive eyes emit a moving fire?What was it that caused the blush to appear in this pale, emaciated cheek?Why is her delicate face glowing with passion?Why did her full breasts bulge so high?

What was it that aroused strength, life, and beauty in the poor girl's face, and made her smile, that clear, sweet, passionate laugh?So you look around, looking for someone, and finally you find out why... However, this short moment will soon pass, and maybe tomorrow you will meet that thoughtful but indifferent gaze again, the same pale face as before, the same humble and shy demeanor as usual, and even There are traces of remorse, even a very sad and remorseful feeling about the fleeting joys of the past...and you regret that the beauty of this moment is gone so quickly, gone and never to return, it was so alluring in front of you Glittering, but so mercilessly fleeting, without a trace.It's a pity that there is no time to love it... Still, I had better nights than days!That's what happened. I returned to the city very late, and it was past ten o'clock when I approached the house.I walked along the embankment of the canal, and there was not a soul in sight.Yes, I live far from the city center.I sing as I walk, and when I feel very happy, I always hum a few words in a low voice. This is true of any happy person who has no relatives, no friends, no old friends, and no one to share his happiness with in his happy moments. . Suddenly, I encountered a most unexpected adventure. On the side of the road, there was a woman standing sideways on the railing of the canal, with her arms resting on the railing, apparently concentrating on the turbid river water.She wore a very lovely little yellow hat and a large black shawl of exquisite beauty. "It's a girl, and it must be a brunette," I thought to myself. She didn't seem to hear my footsteps, and she didn't even move as I passed him in silence, with my heart beating violently. "How strange!" I thought, "she must be lost in her thoughts!" Suddenly, I stopped and stood dumbfounded.It turned out that I heard a low sob.right!I heard that right, the girl was crying.A minute later, there was another sob after another.Oh my god!My heart tightened.As much as I've always been shy with women, what a moment this is! ... I turned back and walked towards her. If the title "Miss" hadn't been used a million times in novels about high society, I would have blurted it out and said it.It was precisely because I knew this that I held back and didn't cry out.While I was searching for the right words, the girl came to her senses.She looked back, as if suddenly remembered something, lowered her head, hurried past me, and walked onto the riverside avenue.I followed her right away, but she sensed it and turned off the embankment, crossed the street, and walked along the sidewalk.I dare not make up my mind to cross the street, my heart is beating like a caught bird.However, a sudden incident helped me a lot. On the other side of the sidewalk, not far from a girl I had never met, a gentleman in a tuxedo suddenly appeared.This person is quite old, but his pace cannot be said to be very steady.He walked staggeringly, leaning on the wall carefully.But the girl was like an arrow leaving the string, walking in a hurry, very timidly, just like all girls who don't want others to send her home at night.If my fortune hadn't inspired him to have fun, the wobbly gentleman certainly couldn't catch up with her.All of a sudden, without saying a word to anyone, my gentleman ran off, galloping forward without touching the ground, in pursuit of my strange girl.Seeing that she was about to catch up, the girl gave a loud cry... Thank God, fortunately, the beautiful knobby walking stick that the god of fate gave me was just in my hand.Immediately I was on the other side of the sidewalk, and in the blink of an eye, the uninvited gentleman understood his situation, realized the irresistible truth, and finally stopped silently until we had walked a long way , he protested against me in rather forceful words, but we have not heard his words very clearly. "Give me your hand," I said to the strange girl, "so he won't dare to pester you again!" She stretched out her hand to me silently, but that little hand was still shaking because of excitement and panic.Ah, sir uninvited, how grateful I am to you at this moment!I took a sneak peek at the girl and found she was really attractive and a brunette, and I was right about it.There were still tears on her dark eyelashes, and I didn't know whether it was from the shock she had just received or from the pain she had suffered before.A smile was already on her lips, though.She also glanced at me secretly, then blushed and lowered her head. "You see, why did you drive me away? Nothing would have happened if I had been there. . . . " "But I don't know you well, I thought you too..." "Do you understand me now?" "With a little understanding, for example, why are you trembling?" "Oh, you guessed it right away!" I replied, ecstatically, because I found out that my girl was indeed very clever.Smartness and beauty are often not contradictory. It is always a good thing for a person to be smart and beautiful. "Yes, you can tell at a glance. I am really shy of women, and I do not deny that I am agitated, and no less agitated than you were when that gentleman frightened you just now.It was like a dream, and even in the dream I never imagined that I would meet a woman someday. " "What? Is that really the case?" "Yes, if my hand is shaking, it's because it has never held such a pretty little hand as yours. I am very strange to women, that is to say, I have never been close to a woman. You know, I am still alone." I'm single... I don't even know how to talk to women. For example, I don't know if I said something stupid to you at this moment? Please tell me frankly, you remind me, I will never take offense... ..." "No, not at all, on the contrary, you have said it very well. Since you asked me to be frank, I will tell you frankly that women like you when you are shy. If you want to know more, I have to say that I like it too .So I will never let you leave me until I get home." "When you treat me like this, I will immediately cease to feel ashamed, and the means I have prepared will no longer be necessary! . . . " "Means? What means? Why use means? This is really not good!" "I'm sorry, I don't dare again. I mean I slipped my tongue, blurted it out. However, how can you imagine that there are no thoughts in my mind at this moment! " "You want to be liked, don't you?" "Yes! Please judge, for God's sake, who am I? Do you know that I am over twenty-six years old, and I have never met anyone. Oh, how can I say Proper, tactful, and tactful? But perhaps it would be better for you to say all of this frankly... I will not be silent when I have something to say in my heart. Well, it's all the same, ... Believe it or not, I've never had a woman, never, never!There is no acquaintance!I'm just fantasizing every day, fantasizing about what kind of woman I will meet one day.Well, if only you knew how many times I've been in love in this way..." "In what way? Who did you fall in love with?" "I'm in love with no one, but an ideal woman, the girl I saw in my dreams! I've created many romances in my fantasies. Ah! You don't know me! Indeed, I am not Haven't met two or three women, but what kind of women are they? They're all dubious landlady... I'm about to make you laugh. I'll tell you frankly. The aristocratic girl I met on the street had a free conversation, of course, when she was alone. Of course, when she said it, the attitude was timid, humble, and full of enthusiasm. I told her that I was lonely to death, I hope she will not drive me away, tell her that I have no means of meeting any woman, and make her understand that it is not justifiable, even from a woman's point of view, to ignore the timid entreaties of such an unfortunate person as I am. Finally I tell She, all I ask is that she say a kind, sympathetic word or two to me, don't push me away all at once, believe what I say, listen to me, laugh at me if need be, anyway , give me hope, say one or two words to me, just one or two words is enough, and then we will break up and never see each other again... You are laughing... Actually, the purpose of my words is to Makes you laugh..." "Don't be surprised, I'm laughing at you for making things difficult for yourself. If you try to do it, you will succeed, even if you try it on the street, the simpler the better...any good woman, unless She's a fool or she's losing her temper at the moment, otherwise she wouldn't have sent you away without saying a word or two of what you so shyly asked for... You see, what's the matter with me? Of course, she might Think you're crazy. I'm just giving my opinion. I know a lot about how people live in the world!" "Oh, thank you so much!" I exclaimed, "you don't know what a good thing you've done for me now!" "Okay, okay! Please tell me why you think I'm the kind of woman you can be with... well, who you think is worthy of concern and friendship... In short, not what you would call a landlady.Why do you come to my side? " "Why? Why? Because you are alone, and that gentleman is so presumptuous, and it is nighttime. I feel that this is my bounden duty, and you will probably agree with that!" "No, no, I don't mean just now, but earlier, on the other side of the road. Didn't you mean to come to me then?" "On the other side of the road? I really don't know how to answer. I'm afraid... you know? I'm very, very happy today, I'm walking and singing, I even went to the outskirts of the city, I've never experienced such A moment of happiness. Perhaps I felt...you..., forgive me if I say that I thought you were crying...and I couldn't hear the crying...my heart constricted...my My God! Can't I be sad and sorry for you? Is it a crime to express my heartfelt sympathy for you?... Excuse me, I said sympathy... In short, can't I go to you involuntarily? , is it an offense to you?" "Well, that's enough, don't go any further! . . . " said the girl, bowing her head and shaking my hand, "it's my fault, I shouldn't have brought it up. But I'm glad I didn't You read it wrong... You see, I'm home, just take a turn from here to the alley. Just take two steps... Goodbye, I thank you very much..." "Could it be, could it be that we will never see each other again from now on?... Could it be that we just broke up and said goodbye forever?" "Where did you go?!" the girl said with a smile, "at first you only wanted to say two or three sentences, but now...but then again, I didn't say anything about you...maybe, we We will meet again..." "I must be here tomorrow," I said, "oh, sorry, I'm already asking..." "Yes, you are in a hurry, you are indeed almost asking..." "Wait, listen to me!" I interrupted her, "I beg you to forgive me if I say anything unpleasant to you in the future... But here's the thing: I can't come here tomorrow Come on. I am a dreamer who lives by dreams. My actual life is very little, and moments like this, I think, are rare, so I cannot help recreating them in my dreams. I will I think of you all night, all week, all months. Tomorrow I must come here, this is the place, the hour has come, and when I think of today, I am so happy. This place is for me I have two or three such lovely places in Petersburg. Once I even shed tears from the memory, like you. Maybe that's why I judged that you were ten minutes ago, Crying from reminiscence too... Sorry, I got carried away again. Perhaps, you were particularly happy here in the past? ..." "Well," said the girl, "I must come here tomorrow, also at ten o'clock. I find that I cannot forbid you...that is why I need to come here. Don't think I am making an appointment with you A date. I tell you in advance that I need to come here for my own sake, but alas... I'll tell you straight! It doesn't matter if you come, number one, maybe again Today's troublesome thing happened, but let's put it aside for the time being... In short, I just want to see you... and have a word or two with you. You see, you don't blame me now, do you? Don't think I'm going to date people so lightly... I never date people unless... Well, let's just say it's a secret. If you want me to say it, I'll put the terms first. … ..." "Conditions? Tell me, tell me, tell me all of it. I'll accept it all, completely agree." I yelled out of joy. "I assure you that I will be obedient and obedient...you know me..." "It is precisely because I know you that I invite you to come here tomorrow," the girl said with a smile, "I know you very well, but you have to agree to two conditions when you come here: first, (you must implement my You can't fall in love with me... You can't fall in love with me... that's absolutely impossible, I have to remind you of that. I'm only going to start a friendship with you, you see , this is the hand I extend to you... But love is not enough, I beg you!" "I swear to you," I cried, grabbing her little hand quickly. "Forget it, don't swear! Didn't I know that your temper is hot, like a firecracker, and you can catch it at once? I say so, don't blame me. If only you knew... I don't have anyone who can I don’t have anyone to give me advice and opinions. Of course, I don’t want to go to the street to find such people, but you are an exception. I know you very well, as if we are old friends for more than 20 years... really Yes, you won't break your promise to me, deceive me, will you?" "You'll see that... But I don't know how to pass the time, even though it's only one day and one night." "A good night's sleep is enough, I wish you a good night! At the same time, please remember: I have completely believed in you. What you just said out loud is so good! Is a feeling counted as sympathy between brothers? Can you speak clearly and feel clearly? Do you know, this is really good, the idea of ​​trusting you immediately appeared in my mind, and I decided to tell you everything on my mind..." "For God's sake, what's the matter? What's the matter?" "Talk to-morrow, and keep it private for the time being. It may be better for you, because it seems a little romantic. To-morrow I may tell you, or I may not . . . but I will tell you later, we each will understand more..." "Oh, I'll tell you all about me tomorrow! But what's the matter? It seems like a miracle has happened to me... My God, where am I? Well, tell me Look. You didn't start off like other women, who got mad at me and drove me away. Don't you resent this? Two minutes! Only two minutes and you made me happy forever! Yes, forever! Maybe I can tell from this that you have reconciled me with myself, you have resolved my inner conflicts and reassured my doubts... Maybe I will have such a moment... Well, tomorrow, I will tell the whole story , tell you everything about me, you will understand everything!..." "Okay, I will definitely listen carefully, and then you can start talking..." "I agree." "goodbye!" "goodbye!" So we broke up.I walked up and down all night, never able to make up my mind to go home.I'm so happy... See you tomorrow! Night Two "Well, you made it through after all!" she said to me with a smile, holding both of my hands. "I've been waiting here for two hours, and you don't know what I've been up to all day!" "Yeah, I know, now let's get down to business! Do you know why I'm here? It's not like yesterday's chatter. I think I'll behave a little more sensibly from now on. That's what I want That’s right. I thought about this question for a long time yesterday.” "Which way, where are we to be more sensible? From my side, I am well prepared. But the truth is, in my life, there is nothing like what I did yesterday. It's more sensible." "Really? First, I beg you not to hold my hand so tightly. Second, I want to tell you that I have been thinking a lot about you today." "Okay, what's the result?" "The result is that everything needs to be started from the beginning. Because I have come to the conclusion: I don't know you very well. I behaved like a child and a little girl yesterday. Of course, all this is traced to the fault of my heart. Well, that is to say, I praise myself. As usual, when we dissect what we say and do, we always end up being self-absorbed. In order to correct this mistake, I decided to get to know you in the most detail. Since no one has told me To provide your situation, you have to tell me everything from the beginning to the end, for example, what kind of person are you? Hurry up and start talking about your own experience!" "Experience?" I cried out in fright! "Experience? Who told you that I have experience? I haven't experienced..." "How did you survive without experience?" She interrupted me with a smile. "No experience at all! As the saying goes, I have lived free, that is to say, I am alone, quite alone, alone, and do you know what it is to be alone?" "What's a lonely? It's when you never meet anyone." "Oh no, people have, but I'm alone." "What? Haven't you spoken to anyone?" "Strictly speaking, didn't speak to anyone." "So, please explain, who are you? Wait a minute, and let me guess: you probably have an old grandmother like me. She was blind and never let me go anywhere all her life, and I almost Lost the ability to speak. Two years ago, I was very naughty, and she found that she couldn't control me, so she called me to her, and used a pin to fasten my clothes on top of hers. Since then, we have been sitting together all day Together. Although she is blind, she can knit socks, and I sit beside her and sew clothes or read to her. What a strange way! She has pinned me to her for more than two years..." "Oh, my God! What a misfortune! No, no, I don't have a grandmother like that!" "If not, why do you always stay at home?..." "Listen, don't you want to know what kind of person I am? "Well, yes, yes!" "In the strict sense of the word?" "In its strictest sense!" "Then please remember, I am a typical example!" "Typical, typical! What typical?" the girl laughed like she hadn't laughed like that in a whole year, and then cried out. "It's a pleasure to be with you! Look, there's a bench here. Let's sit down and talk. Nobody moves here, nobody hears you talk, so start telling your stories! Because no matter what you say, you won't be able to I believe you have no experience. I have experience, but I have concealed it. First of all, will you tell me what is typical?" "Typical? A typical is a distinctive person, a ridiculous person!" Her childlike laughter infected me, and I laughed too. "A typical is a character. Listen to me, do you know what a visionary is?" "Fantasy! Excuse me, why don't you know?! I am a dreamer myself! Sometimes I sit next to my grandma and think about everything in my head. Hey, once I start to fantasize, all kinds of weird ideas come out, Even wanting to marry the Crown Prince of China... You know, how comfortable it is to be a fantasist! No, but only God knows! Especially if you really have something on your mind!" she added this time, quite seriously. "Excellent! Since you have fantasized about marrying a Chinese crown prince, you will understand what I mean. Well, listen to me... I'm sorry, but I haven't asked your name yet?" "You remember it anyway! You should have thought of it long ago!" "Oh, my God! I'm too happy to think of it..." "My name is Nastenka!" "Nastenka! Is it just a nickname? "It's just the name, why, do you still feel that it's not enough? It's really greedy ①Russian names include first name, father's name and surname. Only saying her own nickname is to show kindness to the other party. The heroine's self-introduction here is beyond the other party's expectation, which leads to the subsequent dialogue. Perfect! " "Isn't it enough? No, on the contrary, it's enough, very, very enough! Nastenka, you are a very kind girl, if only you had been my Nastenka from the very beginning! " "That's right! Ugh!" "Well, Nastenka, listen to what a ridiculous experience I have had." 我在她身旁坐了下来，装出一副近乎迂腐的庄严神态，好像念稿子似的说了起来：“纳斯金卡，可能您不知道，彼得堡有一些相当奇怪的角落。普照彼得堡所有的人的那个太阳，似乎不肯光顾这些地方，而照射这些地方的，好像是另一个专门为这些地方订做的太阳。它用另一种特殊的光芒，照射着这里的一切。亲爱的纳斯金卡，这些角落里过的完全是另一种生活，根本不像我们周围沸腾的生活。这样的生活，不是存在于我们这儿，不是存在于我们这个极其严肃的时代，而是可能存在于遥远的九重天之外。这种生活是荒诞、热情的理想混合物，哎，纳斯金卡，它里面和着阴暗、平淡无奇和无法想象的庸俗！” “啊，我的上帝呀！这是一个多好的开场白呀！我这是听到了什么呢？” “纳斯金卡（我叫您纳斯金卡，总是觉得不够），您会听到，在这些地方生活的是一些稀奇古怪的人——幻想家！如果要给它下一个详细的定义，那就应该说，幻想家不是人，而是某种中性的东西。他们多半住在人迹罕至的角落里，好像藏身在里面，甚至害怕见到白昼的阳光。它一旦爬进自己的窝里，就在那里面落地生根，像蜗牛一样，或者至少在这一方面活像一种有趣的动物。这种有趣的东西既像动物，又像动物的家，人们通常把它叫做乌龟。您想想看，他为什么那么热爱自己的四面墙壁，而那些墙壁总是涂有绿的颜色，被薰得黑黝黝的，看了叫人丧气，而且散发出一股叫人难以忍受的烟味！为什么这位可笑的先生在接待他的某个来访的熟人（他的熟人是很少的）时，神色是那么窘迫，脸色突变，神情慌乱，好像他刚刚在自己的房内犯过罪似的，不是制造伪币就是写下几行小诗，用匿名的方式，寄往杂志社，谎称原作者已经故去，作为朋友，认为发表故友的诗作，具有不可推卸的责任云云。纳斯金卡，请您告诉我：为什么这两位朋友见面却谈不来？为什么那位突然来访的朋友闷闷不乐？他既不笑，也说不出一句像样的话来，而在其他场合，他却总是谈笑风生、妙语如珠的，特别是在议论女人和其他引人入胜的话题的时候。其次，这位朋友肯定是结识不久的新交，为什么他第一次造访就（第二次造访是不会有的，因为下次他是决不会来的）看到主人惊慌失措的神色，尽管他口若悬河（他是有这个本事的），却变得如此窘迫，竟然张口结舌，不知所措？而他的主人呢，一开始就作出极大的努力，力图使他们的谈话风趣横生，有声有色，为了表现他对上流社会的了解，他也谈女性，甚至低声下气，讨好这位误来他家作客的可怜人，但是所有这些努力，全部归于无效！还有一点，为什么客人突然想起一件极其紧要的事情（其实，那是根本不存在的事），赶紧把主人热情地紧握着的手抽出来，匆匆忙忙抓起帽子，迅速离去，而主人却在想方设法，表示他的懊悔，希望以此挽回失去的面子？为什么离去的客人一出门就发誓，以后决不再到这个怪人家里来，虽然这个怪人实质上是一位好得不能再好的大好人？同时，这位客人大肆发挥自己的想象力，把自己前不久与之交谈的主人与谈话时他见到的一只可怜的小猫相比较，这当然是不伦不类的。那只小猫遭到孩子们的戏弄，受尽了他们的惊吓和侮辱。孩子们对小猫不讲信义，居然抓住它，把它当俘虏，弄得它浑身是灰，狼狈不堪，最后只好躲到椅子底下，藏进暗处，好不容易才摆脱孩子们的纠缠.它在那里整整呆了一个小时，它竖起身上的毛，呼哧呼哧地喘气、喷嚏，用自己的两只前爪，洗自己受尽凌辱的嘴脸。此后很长一段时间，它对周围的一切，都怀着敌意，甚至对同情它的女管家为它留下的主人吃剩的饭菜，也是如此！ " “您听我说，”纳斯金卡打断了我的话，她一直睁着两眼，张着小口满脸惊讶地听我说话。“您听着，我完全不知道，为什么这一切会发生？为什么正是由您向我提这样可笑的问题？ 不过我知道，这些奇闻异事肯定是发生在您的身上，而且一点不假。 " “那是没有疑问的，”我以非常严肃的神情，对她作了回答。 “好！既然没有疑问，那您就继续说下去吧，”纳斯金卡回答说，“因为我很想知道结局如何。” “您想知道，纳斯金卡，我们的主人公到底在自己的角落里干了些什么？其实，与其说是我们的主人公，不如说是我，因为整个事情的主人公就是我，就是这卑贱的我！您想知道，我在自己的角落里干了些什么？为什么一位友人的突然造访，竟然使我一整天如此神情慌乱、手足无措？您想知道人家打开我的房门时，我为什么吓得跳了起来、满脸胀得通红？为什么我善于接待客人，却又为自己做不到殷勤好客而感到羞愧难当，无地自容呢？” “嗯，对，对！”纳斯金卡作了回答。“问题的实质正在这里。您听我说，您讲得很动听，不过，难道您不可以讲得这么动听吗？您好像不是在讲故事，倒是很像照着稿子念什么似的。” “纳斯金卡，”我好不容易才忍住笑，装出一副庄重、严肃的样子回答，“亲爱的纳斯金卡，我知道我讲得很动听，对不起，换个方式，我却做不到。现在，亲爱的纳斯金卡，我就像是所罗门国王的灵魂，它在用七重封条贴住的罐子里，关了一千多年，最后那七重封条终于揭开了。现在，亲爱的纳斯金卡，经过这么长久的分离，我们又团聚了——因为我早就已经认识您，纳斯金卡，因为我早就在寻找一个人，这就是一个信号，表示我要找的就是您，我们现在是命中注定要见面了。——现在我脑海里的几千座闸门都已打开，我必须口若悬河、滔滔不绝地讲下去，否则，我就会憋死！所以我请求您千万别打断我的话，纳斯金卡，而要乖乖地听我讲下去，否则，我就不讲了。” “别，别，别！千万别这样！您说下去吧，现在我一句话也不插了。” “好，现在我继续往下说。我的朋友纳斯金卡，我的一天之中，有一个小时是我极其喜爱的。这时候，所有的工作包括公务和家务，都已干完，大家急急忙忙赶回家去吃饭，然后躺下来休息休息。在回家的路上，大家也在思考一些欢快的事情，盘算着如何度过黄昏、夜晚和剩下的整个业余时间。 就在这个时刻，我们的主人公（纳斯金卡，请允许我还是用第三人称来讲好，用第一人称谈起来，实在叫人感到怪难为情），就在这个时刻，我们的主人公也没有闲着，他跟着走在别人的屁股后面。他那苍白而多少有点绉纹的脸上，流露出一种奇怪的满足感。他望着彼得堡寒冷的天空中渐渐消退的晚霞，心中很是平静。我说他'望着'，其实是不确切的。他不是望，而是视而不见，漫不经心地扫了一眼。似乎他已疲惫不堪，或者此时此刻正在思考什么别的更为重要的事情，因此对周围的一切，只能匆匆一瞥，几乎是极不情愿地一扫而过。他感到心满意足的是：在明天到来之前，使他感到恼火的'事务'都已做完。他像放学归来，离开教室去玩自己喜爱的游戏、尽情玩耍、淘气的小学生一样，内心里感到无比的高兴！纳斯金卡，您从旁看看他吧，您马上就会发现，欢快的情绪已经对他脆弱的神经和处于病态的兴奋之中的幻想力，产生了极好的作用。您看，他正在聚精汇神思考什么问题……您以为他在考虑用餐吗？盘算今晚怎么过吗？他在看什么呢？是在看那位相貌堂堂的先生吗？由几匹快马拉着的一辆马车金光闪闪地正从那位先生的身旁驶过去，那位先生向马车里坐着的一位夫人恭恭敬敬地鞠躬致礼！不，纳斯金卡，他现在哪里有功夫顾得上这些琐屑的芝麻小事呢？ !他现在正在全神贯注着自身的特殊生活，显得格外充实。他好像一夜之间，突然成了一位富翁。落日的余晖在他面前欢快地闪烁，并非毫无作用，它唤起了他温暖的心中蕴藏着的许多印象。现在他好不容易才看清那条道路，而在这以前，最不起眼的芝麻小事也会使他大吃一惊。现在，'幻想女神'（亲爱的纳斯金卡，如果您读过茹科夫斯基①的作品的话那就好了）已经运用自己的巧手，编出了金黄色的底幅，又在底幅上面编织出美丽无比、虚幻迷人、光怪陆离的生活图案。Who knows?也许她会用巧妙的两手把他从正在漫步的花岗石砌的人行道上托起来，送到晶莹灿烂的七重天上。这个时候，您试一试把他叫住，突然问他：您现在走在什么地方，走在哪条街上？他肯定会什么也想不起来：既想不起他走在什么地方，也想不起他站在哪里。他会懊丧得满脸胀得通红，为了挽回面子，他肯定会编造一通谎言。所以当一位非常令人起敬的太太很有礼貌地把他拦在人行道的中央，开始向他询问她走错了的道路时，他竟然浑身发抖，两眼惊恐地环顾四周，差点叫了起来。他心烦意乱，双眉紧蹙，大步大步地朝前走去，几乎没有注意到，不止一个过路人在望着他发笑，并且跟在他屁股后面走去。还有一位小姑娘，睁着一双眼睛，直望着他满脸堆着的微笑和做出的各种手势，怯生生地给他让开道路，随后就大声笑了起来。但是，还是那尊幻想女神，在任意飞行中顺便带走了那位老太太，好奇的过路客和微笑的小姑娘，还有在把丰坦卡河塞得满满的驳船上过夜的农民（我们假定此时此刻我们的主人公正从河边走过来），淘气地把这些人和物通通都绣到自己的绣布上，就像把苍蝇黏在蜘蛛网上一样。于是，这位怪人便带着新的收获，回到他那个①茹科夫斯基（一七八三——一八五二）俄国大诗人，浪漫主义诗歌的创始者之一。 令人感到愉快的洞穴里，然后坐下来吃饭。吃了很久之后，他才清醒过来。这时候，服侍他的、总是心事重重、脸上从来没有开朗过的玛特莲娜，已经收拾好桌上的杯盘碗碟，给他递来了烟斗。他清醒过来以后，惊讶地发现他已经吃完了饭，至于这顿饭是怎么吃的，他却怎么也回想不起来了。房间里已经黑了下来。他的心里，既感到空虚，又感到悲哀。整个幻想王国在他的周围坍塌了，坍塌得无声无息，毫无痕迹，没有发出一点破裂的劈啪声，像梦一样消失得无影无踪。他自己也记不起他梦中见到了什么。然而却有一种模模糊糊的感觉，使他的心隐隐作痛，无法平静下来。有一个新的愿望在颇具诱惑力地触动和刺激他的幻想力，不知不觉地唤起一连串新的幻象。小小的房间里，笼罩着一片寂静。离群索居和懒惰是可以激发想象的。想象正在悄悄燃烧起来，开始沸腾，就像老玛特莲娜的咖啡壶中烧着的水。老玛特莲娜正在厨房里不动声色张罗，为她自己烧冲咖啡用的水。这时候，想象正在一阵阵地激荡，喷出像火星一样的光芒。那本随手拿到的书，已经从我们的幻想家手中滑落下来，他毫无目的地读着，还没读到第三页呢！他的想象力又兴奋起来了，接着又突然出现一个崭新的世界，一种新的、迷人的生活便在他面前展现出光辉灿烂的前景。一场新的梦，就是一次新的幸福！ 一剂令人心荡神驰的甜蜜毒药！ “啊，我们的现实生活在他的眼里又算得了什么呢？在他那带有偏见的眼里，纳斯金卡，你我都活得这么懒懒散散，慢慢吞吞，无精打采。在他看来，我们全都对自己的命运不满，我们简直是在受着生活的折磨！事实上也确实如此。您看吧，我们之间的一切，即使粗粗一看，的确都是冷冰冰的、阴森森的，好像大家都在生谁的气似的…… “可怜的人们！我的幻想家想道。他想的也并不奇怪。您看看那些仙魔一样的幻影吧：它们有多么迷人，多么奇妙，多么无拘无束，多么自由自在！它们在他的面前组成一幅神奇的、人格化了的图画。在这幅图画之中，站在前面第一位的，自然是他自己，是我们高贵的幻想家本人！您看看那些五花八门、无奇不有的惊险场面和一连串没完没了、变化无穷、令人兴奋不已的梦幻吧！您也许要问：他在幻想什么呢？其实干吗要问这个呢？他什么都想啊……想起初不被人承认但后来却荣获桂冠的诗人所起的作用；想他与霍夫曼①的友谊；巴托罗缪之夜②；狄安娜·维尔隆，伊凡·华西里耶维奇在攻占喀山时所起的英雄作用；克拉拉·毛勃雷、埃非·迪恩斯③，教长会议和教长前面的胡斯④，《魔鬼罗伯特》⑤中死人的复活（您还记得那音乐吧？它散发出一股坟墓的气息！）还有敏娜⑥、布雷德⑦，别列津纳河上的大会战，沃——达伯爵夫人①②③④⑤⑥⑦《布雷德》是伊·伊·科兹洛夫（一七七九——一八四○）的一首歌谣。 《敏娜》是瓦·阿·茹科夫斯基（一七七三——一八五二）根据歌德的作品而创作的一首诗。 《魔鬼罗伯特》是法国作曲家梅耶比尔（一七九一——一八五二）的一部歌剧。 扬·胡斯（一三六九——一四一五）——捷克伟大的爱国者，主张建立独立的国家教会，是为反对德国封建主而开展民族解放运动的鼓舞者。一四一五年康斯坦茨的教长会议因其拒绝放弃新教教义而判处胡斯死刑，放在篝火上烧死。 狄安娜·维尔隆、克拉拉·毛勃雷和埃非·迪恩斯都是著名英国作家瓦尔特·司各特小说中的人物。 巴托罗缪之夜——一五七二年八月二十四日圣·巴托罗缪节日之夜，在巴黎发生了天主教徒大规模屠杀新教徒的事件。这一事件反映在梅里美所著的历史小说《查里第九时代轶事》中。 霍夫曼·埃伦斯特·捷奥多尔·阿马杰（一七七六——一八二二）德国浪漫主义最著名的代表。他作品中描写的生活总是荒诞与现实的统一。 家里的诗歌朗诵会①，还有丹顿②，埃及女王克列奥帕特拉的情夫③，科洛姆纳的小屋④以及属于他自己的小窝，身旁还有可爱的女友相伴，在漫长的冬夜，张着一张小口，睁着一双眼睛，听他讲话，就像您现在听我讲话一样，我的小天使！ ... “不，纳斯金卡，您我那么渴望的生活，对他这个神不守舍的懒汉来说，简直不屑一顾，他认为这是贫乏的、可怜的生活，但他却没有料到，有朝一日也许使他烦心的日子就会到来，那时，他为了过上一天这样可怜的生活，就得付出他全部的荒诞、幻想的岁月，而且不是为了得到欢乐，也不是为了得到幸福，而在那忧伤、悔恨和无法遏止的痛苦时刻，连选择他都不想要了。但是，这可怕的时刻，暂时还没有到来，所以他什么也不想要，因为他超然物外，一无所求，因为他什么都有，因为他什么都得到了满足，因为他本身就是描绘自己生活的画家，是他每时每刻在为自己随心所欲地创造生活。唯其如此，这个神奇的、虚幻的世界才创造得这么轻松，这么自然！似乎这一切都不是幻影。真的，要是在另一个时候，我会相信，这全部生活并不是感情冲动的结果，不是海市蜃楼，不是想象力的欺骗，而所有这一切都是现实，真真切切，实实在在。纳斯金卡，请您告诉我，为什么在这样的时刻，精神受到压抑？为什么他的脉搏像中了邪似的，任意加速跳动，眼泪止不住地从幻想家的眼中流出？为什么他苍白、湿润的两颊在发烧？为什么他全身感到那么难以形容的①②③④普希金的一首叙事诗的篇名。 普希金的一首诗，见于《埃及之夜》。 丹顿（一七五九——一七九四）——十八世纪末法国革命的著名领导人。 沃—达指沃隆卓娃·达什科娃。 Happy?为什么一个个不眠之夜在无穷的愉快和幸福之中就像短短的瞬间，一眨眼就过去了，而在朝霞映在窗户上，闪烁出玫瑰色的光芒，梦幻似的游移不定的晨光，照亮我们彼得堡这里阴暗的房间时，我们的幻想家已经精疲力尽，疲惫不堪，一头倒在床上，沉沉地坠入梦乡，他那病态的、受到震撼的灵魂则高兴不已，但心里却带着甜丝丝的、令人疲倦的隐痛？是的，纳斯金卡，一旦您上当受骗，就会情不自禁地相信：真正的、诚挚的激动是能够触动他的灵魂的，还会情不自禁地相信，在他那无血无肉、虚无飘缈的幻想之中是有着可以感触得到的、活生生的东西的。您知道，那是一种什么样的欺骗啊！比方说，他心中萌发了爱情，那爱情里面就包含有无穷无尽的欢乐和各种令人难以忍受的痛苦和折磨……只要您瞧上他一眼就会相信的！亲爱的纳斯金卡，您望着他真的会相信他不认识他在幻想中发疯似地爱着的那个女人吗？难道他只是在一些诱人的幻景中见过她，而他对她的满腔激情不过是一场春梦？难道他们真的没有手挽手，成双成对地、形影相随地一起度过漫长的岁月？难道他们没有抛弃整个世界，而把他们各自的小天地、彼此的生活联系在一起？难道不是她，在很晚的时候，在分手来临的时刻，难道不是她趴在他的怀里，痛哭嚎啕，愁肠寸断？她听不见阴森森的天空下着的暴雨，也听不到刮着的狂风，可是狂风却吹落了她黑睫毛上挂着的泪珠！难道这一切都是梦幻，包括这座花园？这花园阴冷、荒芜、凄凉，幽径上长满青苔，显出一副孤寂、忧郁的模样。他们曾经在这里，并肩漫步，共话衷肠，表白爱情和思念之情。他们彼此爱得那么长久，'那么长久，那么深沉'！还有那幢祖先遗留下来的怪模怪样的房子。 就是在这幢房子里，她孤寂而忧伤地住过很久，陪伴着她年老力衰、面色阴沉、老是沉默寡言却又性情暴躁的丈夫。正是这个老家伙吓得他们心惊胆战，像小孩子一样羞答答地隐藏着他们彼此的恋情。他们有多么痛苦，有多么害怕啊！他们的爱情又有多么纯洁，多么诚挚！ （纳斯金卡，这已经是不言自明的了。）但世人却又非常歹毒！Oh my God!难道他后来碰到的不是她吗？那是在远离祖国海岸的异国土地上，在正午酷热的天空底下，在一座非常漂亮的城市之中。当时，一座沉浸在火光海洋之中的宫殿（肯定是一座宫殿）里正在举行舞会，灯火辉煌，乐声悠扬，她站在爬满常春藤和蔷薇的阳台上，一眼就认出他来了。她赶紧摘下假面具，说完一句'我自由啦！ '就浑身抖动，一下扑进他的怀里。他们紧紧地拥抱，身子贴着身子，高兴得不禁大叫，在一煞那间，居然忘记了痛苦，忘记了离别，忘记了所有的折磨、那座阴森森的房子，还有那个老家伙、遥远祖国阴暗的花园以及那张长凳，在那里她曾经给予过他最后一次热烈的吻。后来，她从他由于绝望而感到痛苦的拥抱中挣脱出来了…… “啊，纳斯金卡，您一定会同意：某一位个子高大、健壮的小伙子，一位好说笑话逗乐的小青年，您不请自来的朋友打开您的房门，像没事似的大叫：'老兄，我是刚从巴甫洛夫斯克来的！'这时，您一定会一惊而起，脸红到脖子上，样子十分难堪，好像一个小学生刚刚从邻居果园里偷来一只苹果，塞进自己的口袋里被人发现了似的。我的天哪！老伯爵已经死去，难以用笔墨加以形容的幸福就要到来，可这时人们却从巴甫洛夫斯克来了！” 我结束了我悲怆的叫喊，情绪激动地沉默下来了。记得我很想使劲放声大笑，因为我已经感觉到，有一个与我作对的小鬼，附在了我的身上，而且已经开始掐我的喉咙，揪我的下巴颏，于是我的两眼也就越来越湿润。我期待着正在睁着一对聪明的眼睛听我说话的纳斯金卡哈哈大笑，发出她那小孩子般的、难以遏制的笑声。我已经感到后悔，不该走得那么远，不该讲那些早已憋在我心里的话，而这些话我早已烂熟在心，一说起来就滔滔不绝，就像背书似的。因为我早就准备好了我自己的判决书，现在叫我不念是欲罢不能了。我坦白承认，我不希望有人理解我，但使我感到大吃一惊的是，她居然一言不发，过了好一会儿，她才轻轻地握了握我的手，怀着一种胆怯的关切心情问我：“难道您的一生真是这样过来的？” “对，我整个的一生都是这么度过的，纳斯金卡！”我作了回答。“看来，我也会这样结束我的一生！” “不，这不行！”她心情惶恐地说道，“这是不会出现的。 不过，我的整个一生大概会在奶奶的身旁度过了。您听我说，您知道吗这样活下去是非常不好的！ " “我知道，纳斯金卡，知道！”我再也控制不住自己的感情，大声叫道。“现在我比任何时候都清楚，我白白地葬送了我的全部大好年华。现在我不仅知道这一点，而且因此而感到更加痛苦，因为上帝亲自把您，我善良的天使，派到我的身边来，把这一点告诉我，并且加以证明。现在，当我坐在您身边，和您说话的时候，我已经害怕思考未来了，因为将来又会是孤独，又是这死水一潭、毫无用处的生活。现在我真真切切地坐在您的身旁，感到无比的幸福，将来我是会有幻想的！啊，愿上帝赐福与您，让您永远幸福，亲爱的姑娘，因为您没有一见我就让我滚开，因此我可以说，我一生之中至少痛快地过了两个夜晚！ “嗯，不，不！”纳斯金卡叫了起来，两眼闪着泪花，“不，这种情况再也不会有了，我们就这样不再分离！两个晚上算什么呢？” “唉呀，纳斯金卡，纳斯金卡！您是否知道您使我和自己和解了多久？您是否知道，我现在已经不像过去那样，把自己想得那么坏了。您是否知道，我也许不再为我过去犯过罪、在生活中有过过失而伤心了。因为这样的生活本身就是过失和犯罪。您不要认为我是在夸大其辞，看在上帝的面上，您千万别这么想！纳斯金卡，因为我有时候感到那么悲伤，那么愁苦……因为我在这样的时刻里开始感到我永远也无法过上真正的生活；因为我已经觉察到我失去了同真正的现实的任何接触，失去了任何感触的能力；还因为我咒骂过我自己，因为在荒诞的不眠之夜以后，我也有一些非常可怕的清醒时刻！这时候，你会听见你四周的轰隆声，人群在生活的旋风中飞舞；你会亲耳听到、亲眼见到人们是怎样生活的，他们是在实实在在地生活。您会看到：生活不是为他们定做出来的，他们的生活并没有像梦，像梦境一样消止，他们的生活总是不断更新的，总是永远年轻的，它的这一小时与那一小时总是不同的，而胆怯的幻想却是那么令人丧气，单调到了粗鄙的地步！幻想是阴影的奴隶，思想的奴隶，第一块突然遮住太阳并用愁苦压迫着（那么珍惜自己的太阳的）真正彼得堡的心的云彩的奴隶，而愁苦中的幻想算是什么幻想呢！？ 你会感觉到，它终于感到了疲倦，在永无休止的紧张之中·永·不·衰·竭的幻想正在逐渐衰竭，因为你在不断成长，正在慢慢地放弃自己以前的理想。这些理想正在化为灰尘，变成碎片。 如果没有另一种生活，那就只好用这些碎片来拼凑了。不过心灵却在祈求和向往另一种东西！幻想家便在灰烬中白白地翻寻，在自己以往的幻想中寻找，希望在这一堆灰烬之中找到哪怕是一些火星，把它煽旺，用重新煽起的火光去温暖已经冷却了的心，使往日感到那么亲切可爱的一切，重新在心中复活，触动他的心灵、使他的血液沸腾，眼泪夺眶而出。过去的一切曾经使他大大地受骗上当！纳斯金卡，您是否知道，我已经走到了何等地步？您是否知道，我已经被迫举行周年纪念，纪念自己的感受，纪念那些过去感到非常亲切，实际上却根本没有过的一切。因为这个周年纪念是根据那些愚蠢、虚妄的幻想进行的，而所以举行是因为这些愚蠢的幻想已经不复存在，而且也无法使之再现：要知道幻想也是可以活下来的！您知道吗，我现在喜欢回忆，喜欢在固定的时间去重游我曾经感到过幸福的那些地方，我喜欢使自己的现在与一去不复返的过去协调起来，并且经常像黑影一样，在彼得堡的大街小巷漫游，既无需要，也没有目的，心情颓丧、抑郁。 那都是什么样的回忆啊，真是不堪回首！比如我就经常想起，恰恰是在一年前，正是这个时候，这一个钟头，我就在这条人行道上漫步，像现在这样，也是这么孤独，这么颓丧。有时还回忆起，那时的幻想也是很忧伤的，尽管当时的生活并不好过，但不知为什么仍然觉得，那时的生活似乎轻松些，也平静一些，没有现在困扰我的这个阴暗的思想；没有这些良心上的谴责。现在这些阴暗、忧郁的谴责使我日夜不得安宁，所以你常常问自己，你的幻想到底在哪里呢？你总是连连摇头，说：光阴似箭，岁月如流，日子过得多快啊！于是你又问自己：这些年你到底干了些什么呢？你把美好的时光打发到哪里去了？你过去到底生活过没有？瞧，你对自己说，瞧，这世界正在变得越来越冷。再过一些年，阴暗的孤独就会接踵而来，战战巍巍、腰弯背驼的老年也会来到，在这以后就是愁苦和颓丧。你的幻想世界变得越来越苍白，你的幻想也会停滞、枯萎、飘零，就像树上飘落下来的黄叶……啊，纳斯金卡！要知道，孤苦伶仃，孑然一身将是多么痛苦，甚至连遗憾也没有，真正一无所有……因为一切都已失去，这所有的一切，早已成了虚无，全都等于零，仅仅是一场梦幻！ " “唔，您别再勾起我的怜悯了！”纳斯金卡一边说一边擦她眼里滚出的泪水。“现在一切都已结束！现在我们两个在一起，不论我发生什么，我们永远也不分开了。您听着，我是个普普通通的姑娘，读书很少，虽然奶奶也给我请过老师，但是，说真的，我理解您，因为你刚才对我转述的一切，我自己都经历过。当然我不会像您那样讲得好，我没有学习过。” 她羞怯地补充了这么一句，因为她对充满激情的讲话，充满了敬意，对我高雅的用词，也颇为赞赏。“但是，我感到非常高兴的是，您对我完全掏了心里话。现在我了解您了，完完全全、彻底了解了。您猜怎么样？我也想把我的经历讲给您听，毫无保留地全部告诉您，然后请您给我提意见。您是个很聪明的人，您答应给我提意见，出主意吗？” “啊呀，纳斯金卡，”我回答说，“虽然我从来没有给人当过参谋，更不说是个聪明的参谋了，不过，现在我发现，如果我们将来永远这样生活，那肯定是非常明智的，我们彼此都能为对方提供很好的意见的。好啦，我的好纳斯金卡，您到底需要什么主意呢？您直率地对我说吧！我现在是这么愉快、幸福、勇敢、聪明，什么主意不用想就可以说出来的。” “不，不！”纳斯金卡笑着打断我的话，“我需要的不是一个好主意，我需要的主意是发自内心的、具有兄弟情谊的，就像您爱了我一辈子。”