Chapter 10 Other people's wives and husbands under the bed - a rare strange thing-2

As for saying that the content of the note is about love, there is no doubt about it.The words were written on a small piece of paper soaked in perfume, exactly like the note written in a romance novel, and it was folded so small that it could be hidden under a woman's glove. It was probably passed on, for example, when asking about the poster, the small note was quickly rolled into the poster, and then handed over to someone, but in the blink of an eye, maybe it was an unintentional push by the adjutant (the adjutant was extremely dexterously explaining his clumsiness), and the slip of paper fell from his trembling little hand, and the young civil official had already stretched out his hand impatiently, but instead of a note, he received a poster, which he Just don't know what to do.What an unpleasantly strange event!Indeed, you will agree, Ivan Andreyitch was even more displeased.

"Predestine," he whispered, clutching the note tightly in both hands, and dripping with cold sweat. "Predestine! The bullet will find the guilty man!" The thought flashed through his mind. "No, that's not right! What's my fault! Oh yes, here's another proverb: the bullet found the unlucky Makar" ②, and so on. Shocked by such a sudden event, my head was buzzing, and the proverb began to appear in full: "Unlucky Makar has even pine cones on his head", which means bad luck everywhere. French: destined. Isn't it rare that there are all kinds of thoughts!Ivan Andreevich sat stiffly in his chair, half dead, as the saying goes.He believed that the thrilling scene he had encountered had been discovered by people from all directions, although at this moment the theater was in chaos, and some people asked the female singer to perform again.He sat awkwardly, blushing, not daring to lift his eyelids, as if some unexpected unpleasant incident had happened to him, as if he had done something shameful in the midst of this beautiful public.He finally made up his mind and raised his eyelids.

"Very well sung, sir!" he said to a dandy sitting on his left. The dandy, in the midst of a frenzy, clapping his hands and, above all, moving his feet, glanced quickly and casually at Ivan Andreyevich, then put his hands to his mouth. In front of him, he made a gesture to concentrate his voice, and shouted the name of a female singer.Ivan Andreyitch, who had never heard such a loud cry before, was overjoyed. "He didn't find anything!" he thought, and turned back immediately.But a fat gentleman sitting behind him was looking at all the boxes with his long-handled binoculars with his back turned to him. "That's all right!" thought Ivan Andreyitch.Of course the one in front saw nothing.He glanced timidly, but at the same time happily hopefully, at the first-floor pool seat next to his seat, and a most unpleasant feeling made his body tremble at once.It turned out that there was a beautiful woman sitting there, covering her mouth with a handkerchief, lying on the back of the armchair, laughing loudly, shaking her head back and forth, as if she was crazy.

"Oh, I'm afraid of these women!" whispered Ivan Andreyitch, and he pushed his way between the legs of the spectators to the door. Now I propose to my readers that they decide who is right or wrong between me and Ivan Andreyitch.Are his words and deeds right now?As we all know, a grand theater itself includes four floors of boxes, and the fifth floor is a balcony.Why must it be assumed that the note fell from a box, and it was this box, not another box, such as the fifth floor, where there are also ladies?But passions are often exclusive, and envy is the most exclusive passion in the world.

Ivan Andreevich ran to the waiting room, stood before a lamp, removed the lead seal, and read: "After the show is over today, immediately go to Mr. K's house at the corner of X Street, X X Lane, Third floor, to the right of the stairs. Enter through the door. Stay there, Sansfaute, for God's sake, and make no mistake." Ivan Andreyitch did not recognize the handwriting, but there was no doubt about one thing: private appointments. "To catch, to catch, to destroy the evil from the very beginning." This was Ivan Andreevich's first thought.What he thinks in his head is to expose it now and solve it right away.But how can this be done?Ivan Andreevich even ran into the second-tier box, but got out in time.He didn't know where to run, and being idle, he ran in the other direction and looked across the open door of the other box.That's right, that's right!All the boxes on the five floors along the vertical direction are full of young men and women.Notes might have flown down from all these five floors, for Ivan Andreevich suspected that all these floors were involved in a conspiracy against him.Nothing would change his opinion, and he would not believe any superficial appearances.

During the whole of the second act, he ran up and down the corridors, and there was no mistake anywhere. There is no peace of mind to be found.He wanted to sneak into the ticket office, hoping to find out the names of all the spectators in the boxes on the fourth floor from the conductor, but the door of the ticket office was locked.Finally, wild cheers and applause broke out, and the show was over. We started to call the actors to take a curtain call. Two voices came from the highest level, shouting very loudly. They were the leaders of the two factions.But Ivan Andreyitch had no time for them.Thoughts of what to do next flashed through his mind.He put on his overcoat and went to K Street in order to meet them, catch them, expose them, in short, take stronger action than yesterday.He found the house quickly, and was just about to enter the gate, as if under his hand, when suddenly the figure of a dandy in a coat flashed ahead of him along the stairs to the third floor.It seemed to Ivan Andreyitch that this was the dandy, though he could not see his face clearly.Ivan Andreyitch's heart almost stopped beating.The Playboy was already two flights ahead of him, and then he heard the door on the third floor open, but there was no sound, as if someone was waiting for someone to come.The young man entered the room in a blink of an eye.The door had not had time to close when Ivan Andreyitch reached the third floor.He would have stood before the door and thought over his action, and at first a little timidly, then resolved to take some very decisive action.However, at this moment, a light carriage rattled at the gate, the door slammed open, and a person climbed up to the third floor with heavy steps and coughing.Ivan Andreyitch could not stand up.He opened the door and quickly appeared in the room with the solemn expression of an insulted husband.An excited little girl ran up to meet him, and then someone else appeared, but it was impossible to stop Ivan Andreyitch.Like a bomb, he flew into the inner room, walked through two dark rooms, and suddenly appeared in the bedroom, standing in front of a young, beautiful lady.The young lady, trembling with fright, looked at him in utter horror, as if not understanding what was happening around her.At this moment, heavy footsteps came from the next room. It turned out that someone was walking straight towards the bedroom. It was the same footsteps as when going upstairs.

"My God! That's my husband!" cried the madam, clapping her hands together, her face paler than the white blouse she was wearing. Ivan Andreevich felt that he had come into the wrong room, that he had done something stupid like a child, that he had not considered his actions carefully, that he had not calmed himself down on the stairs, but it was impossible.The door has been opened, and the heavy husband (if one can judge only by his heavy footsteps) has entered the room... I don't know who Ivan Andreevich takes himself at this moment! I don't know what kept him from going straight up to her husband, making it clear that he had entered the room by mistake, admitting that he had done something unintentionally rude, begging forgiveness, and then quietly backing out--of course it wouldn't have done that. It was glorious, certainly not very respectable, but at least it was possible to walk away in a fair manner.But no, Ivan Andreyitch acted like a child again, as if he thought of himself as Don Juan or Lovelas!

①At first he hid beside the bed, covered by a curtain, but then he felt that his spirit had completely collapsed, so he lay on the ground and crawled under the bed meaninglessly.Panic had a greater and greater effect on his sanity, so that Ivan Andreevich, a damaged husband (at least he thought so), did not dare to meet another husband, perhaps he was afraid My own existence will hurt that husband.Whether it was so or not, he hid under the bed anyway, not knowing what he was doing.But what is even more strange is that the lady did not add any objection.She saw a very eccentric, elderly gentleman in the English novelist Richardson (1689-1761)'s lecherous ghost.

There were no shouts as she sought shelter in her bedroom.She was indeed dizzy from fright, probably her tongue couldn't control her, and she couldn't speak. When the husband came in, he gasped and coughed again, greeted his wife in the oldest voice, and then slumped down in the armchair, as if he had just brought home a bundle of firewood. A persistent cough sounded.Ivan Andreevich changed from a furious old ghost into a sheep, timid and obedient, like a little mouse who is too frightened to breathe when it sees a cat.Although, from his own experience, he also knows that not all hurt husbands bite.But at this moment, his head didn't think about it, either because he didn't think enough, or because of other reasons.He began to crawl under the bed cautiously, lightly, and gropingly to get more comfortable.When he touched something with his hands, his surprised expression!It is simply indescribable.

What surprised him the most was that the guy moved and grabbed his hand at the same time!It turned out that there was another person hiding under the bed! ... "Who are you?" whispered Ivan Andreyitch. "Well, who am I, I told you just now!" The strange strange man whispered. "Since you have gone through the wrong door, you should lie down and be silent!" "However……" "Shut up!" Then, this unrelated person (for there was only room under the bed for one person), this unrelated person squeezed Ivan Andreyitch's hand in his fist, which caused Ivan Andreevich so much pain. Andreevich almost cried out.

"gentlemen……" "Hush!" "Don't pinch me so hard, I'll scream." "Okay, call me! Try it!" Ivan Andreyitch blushed with shame.The strange man was both stern and angry.Perhaps this man had more than once been tried by fate, more than once into such narrow circumstances, but Ivan Andreyitch was a novice, and the narrowness of his situation suffocated him.Blood rushed straight to the head.However, there was really no other way, so I had to lie down on my stomach.Ivan Andreyitch had to endure it, and said nothing more. "I'm here, dear," began the husband, "I'm at Pavel Ivanlych's, dear. We sat down to play cards, and that's all, cough, cough, cough! (He begins to cough) So...cough!Such a back...cough!fuck her! ... cough!cough!cough! " Afterwards, the little old man coughed non-stop. "Back..." he finally managed to speak, but his eyes were full of tears, "the back hurts so much... damn hemorrhoids! Can't stand, can't sit... can't sit! Cough, cough, cough! ..." It seemed that the cough that had started again was destined to outlive its owner, the little old man.The old man seemed to be moving his tongue between coughs, and said something, but no one could understand what he said. "Sir, for God's sake, please move!" said the unfortunate Ivan Andreyitch in a low voice. "Where to move? There is no place!" "But, as you yourself will agree, I can't do it. It's the first time I've been in such a terrible embarrassment." "It's the first time I've been with a very unpleasant person." "But, young man..." "Shut up!" "Shut up? Your behavior is too presumptuous and extremely rude, young man . . . If I'm not mistaken, you are very young, and I am older than you." "Shut up!" "Sir, you are too bold! You don't know whom you are talking to!" "The same gentleman lying under the bed..." "But I was brought here by accident, a mistake, and you, if I'm not mistaken, are morally corrupt..." "Your error is precisely in this respect." "Sir, I am older than you, and I tell you..." "You know, sir, that we are sitting on a plank. I beg you, don't scratch my face!" "Monsieur, I don't understand anything. If you will forgive me, there is no room." "Why are you so fat?" "My God! I've never been in such a humble position." "Yes, no matter how low you go, you won't be able to lie down." "Sir, sir! I don't know who you are, I don't understand how it happened. But I'm a misunderstanding, I'm not what you think..." "If you don't squeeze me, I don't think about you at all. Shut up!" "Sir! If you don't move, I will have a stroke. You are responsible for my death... I ask you to believe that... I am a respectable man, the head of the family. I cannot be in this state... " "You crawled in by yourself. Well, you can move, this space is for you, no more!" "Noble young man! Monsieur! I see that I have misjudged you," said Ivan Andreyitch cheerfully.He thanked the young man for giving him a little space and relaxing his numb limbs. "I understand your experience of being squeezed, but what can I do? I see, you think of me very badly. Please allow me to increase my prestige in your eyes; please allow me to tell you who I am; I came here against my own will. I can assure you that the purpose of my coming is not what you imagined... I am extremely, extremely afraid!" "Don't you keep your mouth shut? You don't understand, if we're overheard, we'll be in trouble? Shhh...he's talking." Indeed, the little old man's cough seemed to be beginning to stop. "That's what it is, honey," he said hoarsely, as if crying. "That's right, dear, cough!...cough! Oh, what a misfortune! Fedosey Ivanovitch said: You should try some soup made of millet leaves, do you hear, dear?" "I hear you, my friend!" "Well, that's what he said? He said you'd better try the soup made with Chiba grass. I said I posted medical leeches.But he said to me; no, Alexander Deminjanovich, fenugreek soup is better.I want to tell you that this thing opens... Cough!cough!Oh my gosh!What do you think, baby?Cough, cough!Oh my goodness!Cough, cough! ...So it's better to use Chiba grass soup? ...cough, cough, cough! Oh!cough! " "I think it won't be a bad thing to try this decoction." Madam replied. "Yes, it's not a bad thing! He said, what you have is probably a lung disease, cough! Cough! But I said it was a stomachache, cough, cough! He still said to me, it might be a lung disease, you see, cough, cough! You see Is it a tuberculosis, baby?" "Oh my God, what are you talking about?" "Yes, it's a tuberculosis! It's time for you to undress and lie down to sleep now, cough! cough!Me today, cough!I have a bit of a cold and a runny nose. " "Hey!" said Ivan Andreyitch, "for God's sake, move over!" "I really wonder about you. I don't know what's happened to you. Well, can't you lie still? . . . " "You have been so cruel to me, young man! I can see that you want to hurt me. You must be the lady's lover?" "shut up!" "I won't shut up! I won't allow you to dictate to me! You must be a lover, aren't you? If you are found out, I'm not responsible at all. I don't know anything." "If you don't keep silent," said the young man, gritting his teeth, "I'll say you brought me here, and I'll say you're my uncle who squandered all his property. By then people will at least Don't think I'm the lady's lover." "Sir! You are laughing at me, you are exhausting all my patience." "Hush! Shall I compel you to shut up? You are my curse! Tell me, what are you doing here? Without you, I can lie in bed until tomorrow morning, and by then I'm sure You can go out." "But I can't lie here until tomorrow morning. I'm a very reasonable man; I'm certainly well connected... What do you think? Is he going to spend the night here?" "Who is it?" "That old man." "Of course he will. Not all husbands are like you. Some sleep over." "Sir, sir!" cried Ivan Andreyitch, sweating coldly with terror. "Believe me, too, I have spent the night at home, for the first time, but, my God, I find that you know me. Who are you, young man? Please tell me at once, Who are you? I beg you out of selfless friendship!" "Listen! I'm going to use violence..." "But wait a moment, allow me to tell you, sir, allow me to explain to you the whole truth of this dreadful business..." "I don't listen to any explanation, I don't want to know anything. Will you shut up or not..." "But, I can't..." Then there was a little contest under the bed, after which Ivan Andreyitch was silent. "Baby! Seems like some cats are whispering in here, isn't it?" "What cat? What are you thinking about!" Apparently the wife didn't know what to say to her husband.She had been frightened to death and hadn't recovered from it.Now she trembled a little, and then she pricked up her ears to listen attentively. "What cat?" "It's a cat, honey! When I came home lately, Vasika was squatting in my study and screaming mi, mi, mi! And whispering. I said to it: What's the matter with you, Vasika? But it screamed mi, mi, mi! Then it seemed to be whispering something. I thought: Oh, my God! Is it cursing me to die?" "You've been talking nonsense today! Aren't you ashamed?" "Well, it's all right, don't be mad, baby. I'll be upset when I find out I'm dead, don't be mad, that's all I'm saying. You gotta get undressed, baby, lie down and sleep, I'm here Sit down and wait until you fall asleep." "For God's sake, that's enough, in the future..." "Okay, don't be angry, don't be angry! It's just that there seem to be mice here." "Look at you, cat and mouse! I don't know what's wrong with you!" "Well, I don't have anything, I'm a little... cough! I'm... cough, cough, cough, cough! Oh, my God! Cough!" "Listen, he will hear you moving about," said the young man quietly. "But if you only knew my condition: my nostrils are bleeding!" "Let it flow out, don't talk. Just wait a minute, he'll go." "Young man, put yourself in my place. I don't know who I'm lying with!" "Would it be easier for you to know? I'm not interested in knowing your name. Say, what's your name?" "No, why should I tell you my last name... all I care about is how to explain it..." "Shh...he's talking again." "Really, honey, the cats are whispering again." "No, it's because the cotton in your ears isn't plugged properly." "Oh, it's because the cotton is not plugged properly! Do you know that upstairs... Cough...cough!Upstairs cough... cough, cough, cough!etc. " "Upstairs!" whispered the young man. "Oh, hell! I thought it was the last floor. Is this the second floor?" "Young man," said Ivan Andreevich tremblingly, "what are you talking about? For God's sake, why are you interested in this? I thought it was the last layer, too. Is it here?" Another layer?..." "Someone is really talking," said the old man, and finally stopped coughing. ..." "Hush! Listen!" whispered the young man, squeezing Ivan Andreyitch's hands hard. "Sir, you are pressing my hands too hard, please let go!" "Hush!..." A little struggle ensued, followed by silence. "Today I met a beautiful..." the old man began to speak. "Beautiful what?" his wife interrupted him. "Well... I said before that I met a pretty lady on the stairs, maybe I let her pass? You know, I have a very bad memory. This hypericum...cough!" "what?" "I should drink Hypericum juice, everyone says it's good... Cough, cough, cough! It will be better!" "It was you who interrupted him," said the young man, gnashing his teeth again. "Did you say you met some pretty lady today?" asked the wife. "what?" "Have you ever met a pretty lady?" "Who is it?" "is it you?" "Me? When! By the way!..." "I finally remembered! This mummy!" The young man secretly urged the forgetful old man, and whispered. "Sir, I am trembling with fear! Good God! What do I hear? It is exactly the same as yesterday, exactly the same as yesterday! . . . " "Hush." "Yes, yes, yes! Come to think of it, a very cunning female liar! Two sly eyes... Wearing a sky blue hat..." "Sky-blue hat! Ouch!" "That's her! She has a sky-blue hat, my God!" exclaimed Ivan Andreyitch... "Her? Who is she?" whispered the young man, squeezing Ivan Andreyitch's hands tightly. "Hush!" said Ivan Andreyitch this time, "Oh, my God! My God!" "Well, but who doesn't have a sky-blue hat! . . . oh!" "What a liar!" the old man went on. "She was looking for some acquaintance, and she was always flirting. And that acquaintance also had some acquaintances who came to see..." "Bah! How boring it is!" interrupted his wife, "tell me why you are so interested in her?" "Oh, okay, forget it! Don't be angry!" The little old man retorted with a drawn out voice, "Okay, since you don't want to listen, I won't talk about it. You seem to be in a bad mood today?..." "How did you get here?" the young man began to speak. "Look, look! Now you're interested in this, but just now you didn't want to hear it!" "Well, you know, I don't care about that anyway. You don't have to tell me! Oh, what the hell, such bad luck! " "Young man, don't be angry! I don't know what to say. I don't have anything, I just want to say that there is probably a reason for your participation in this matter... But who are you? I think you are a strange man , but who are you, a strange man? God, I don't know what I'm talking about!" "Hey, go to yours!" The young man interrupted him, as if he was thinking about something seriously. "But I'm going to tell you everything and everything. You may think, I won't tell you because I hate you. No! Here's my hand! I'm just depressed That's all. But, for God's sake, tell me everything from beginning to end: How did you come here? What for? As for me, I'm not angry, I'm not angry, and this is what I want to say to you outstretched hand. It's just that there is dust here, and I got a little on my hands, but this is not a hindrance to expressing lofty feelings! " "Hey, let's go to hell with your hand? There's no place to turn over here, so why are you stretching out your hand?" "But, sir! Permit me to say that you treat me like an old shoe sole," said Ivan Andreyitch in a voice of the most pitiful despair, which was almost pleading. "Please be kind to me, even a little bit. I'll tell you all about it! We're supposed to be nice to each other, and I'm even going to invite you to my house for dinner. Frankly, we lie together like this Not really. You'll lose your way, young man! You don't know . . . " "When on earth did he meet her?" murmured the young man, clearly agitated. "Maybe she's still waiting for me now! . . . I'm determined to get out of here!" "Her? Who is she? My God! Who are you talking about, young man? Do you think, up there . . . my God! My God! Why should I be punished like this?" Ivan Andreyitch tried to turn over and lay on his back with a look of despair. "Why do you want to know who she is? Oh, hell! Whether she comes or not, I'm going to crawl out! . . . " "Sir! What's the matter with you? And me, what shall I do?" said Ivan Andreyitch in a low voice.In desperation he clutched at his neighbor's tuxedo. "What shall I do? Well, you stay alone! If you don't want to, I'll say you're my uncle, who squandered all your property, and the old man can't say I'm his wife's lover." "But, young man, that's impossible! It's unnatural to say I'm your uncle! No one will believe you! Not even a three-year-old!" Ivan Andreevich Qi whispered in despair. "Okay, then don't talk nonsense, just lie down quietly and don't move. You spend the night here tonight and try to get out tomorrow. No one will notice you. Now that I've crawled out, no one will think that there is another person hiding here. Can you hide a dozen people?! However, you are worth a dozen. You move your body, I will Good to get out!" "You are laughing at me, young man . . . What if I should cough? Everything must be foreseen!" "Hush!..." "What's this? I think I heard noises upstairs again," said the little old man, who seemed to have dozed off. "Upstairs?" "Listen, young man, upstairs!" "Well, I'm listening!" "My God! Young man, I must get out!" "I'm not going out! I don't care anyway! Now that's the way it is, it doesn't matter! Do you know what I suspect? You're a cheated husband, that's all! . . . " "My God, what audacity! . . . Do you really doubt that? Why should I even be suspected of being a husband... I have never been married. " "Why aren't you married? Nonsense!" "Perhaps I am a lover myself!" "What a lover!" "Sir, sir! Well, well, I'll tell you everything. Please understand my despair! That's not me, I'm not married. I'm a bachelor like you. That's one of my Friend, childhood companion...and I'm a lover...he used to say to me: 'I'm a wretch, I'm suffering, I doubt my own wife.' I said to him rationally:' Why do you doubt her?' You didn't listen to me. Listen, please!' Jealousy is ridiculous,' said I, 'jealousy is a sin...' he said, 'No, I am a Unlucky man, I am suffering... that is to say I doubt her.' I said, 'You are my friend, my childhood companion, we have picked cheerful flowers together, in the downy mattress, together Had a good time.' My God, I don't know what I'm talking about. You're always laughing, young man! You'd drive me crazy." "You are crazy now!..." "Yes! Yes, I expected you to say that... I expected you to say I was crazy. Smile, laugh, young man! I had my glory days too, and I Seduced a woman. Oh my! My brain is going to have a fever!" "Baby, what's the matter? Looks like one of us is sneezing," said the little old man, singing, "Baby, it's you who's sneezing, isn't it?" "Oh, my God!" said Mrs. "Hush!" came the voice from under the bed. "Probably someone upstairs is knocking on something." The wife was frightened to death, and said hastily, because there was indeed a loud noise under the bed. "Yes, upstairs!" said the husband, "upstairs! I told you, I met a dandy, cough! cough! A playboy with a moustache, cough! cough! Oh, I My God! My back! . . . I met a dandy with a moustache just now!" "Have a beard! My God, it must be you!" whispered Ivan Andreyitch. "My God! What a man you are! Am I not here, lying here with you?! How could he meet me? Don't scratch my face!" "Gosh, I'm going to pass out soon." There was indeed a commotion upstairs at this moment. "Something must have happened there!" whispered the young man. "Sir, sir! I'm frightened, I'm frightened. Help me!" "Hush!" "Baby, there is indeed a noise, it's noisy, and it's just above your bedroom. Should I send someone to take a look..." "Oh, no! What are you thinking!" "Okay, I won't talk about it. Really, why are you so easily angry today! ..." "Oh, my God! It's time for you to go to bed!" "Lisa, you don't love me at all." "Oh, I love you! For God's sake, I'm so tired." "Okay, okay! I'll go." "Oh, no, no! Don't go!" cried the wife. "No, you'd better go, go!" "Do you want me to go or not? One moment you say you go, the next moment you don't go! Cough! Cough! I'm really going to bed...cough, cough! The little girl of the Balafeddin family...cough... ...cough! little girl...cough! I saw a Nuremberg doll at the girl's place, cough, cough..." "Okay, now we're talking about dolls!" "Cough, cough! A fine doll, cough, cough!" "He bids farewell," said the young man, "and if he goes, we shall go at once. Did you hear that?Be happy! " "Oh, God bless! God bless!" "Here's a lesson for you..." "Young man, why do you talk about lessons? I feel it already... But you are too young to teach me lessons." "But I'm still going, listen..." "My God! I'm going to sneeze! . . . " "Hush! How dare you!" "But what shall I do? There's a rat smell in here, I can't stand it, for God's sake, get me a handkerchief out of my pocket, I can't move... Oh, my God, My God! Why are you punishing me like this?" "Here's your handkerchief! I'll tell you why you're being punished right away. You're so jealous! God knows what you're running around like crazy, going into other people's houses and messing things up... ..." "Young man, I am not making trouble." "Shut up! "Young man, you can't teach me morals, I'm more moral than you." "Shut up!" "Oh, my God! My God! "You're making a mess, you're frightening a young lady, a timid woman, and she's too frightened now to know what to do. It's likely she'll be sick from fright. You're disturbing the peace of a respectable old man , and he is suffering from hemorrhoids, what he needs first is peace. And what is all this because of? Because you are thinking wildly, and wandering around with these baseless ideas, even running all over the alleys! Do you understand, do you understand, you're in a very bad place right now?Do you feel it? " "Good, sir! I feel it, but you have no right..." "Shut up! What rights are you talking about here? Do you understand that the end of this matter may be tragic! Do you understand that it is possible for an old man who loves his wife to see you crawling out from under her bed?" Crazy! But no, you're not capable of such a tragedy! I'd rather think that anyone would laugh if you crawled out. I'd like to see you in the firefly lights, sure. It would be very ridiculous!" “您呢？在这种情况之下，您的模样也会是很可笑的。我也希望看一看您的模样！” “您敢！” “青年人，您的身上一定留有道德败坏的印记！” “啊！您要谈论道德！您怎么知道我是为什么到这里来的？ 我在这里是一个错误，我上错了楼层。鬼知道为什么放我进来了！肯定她真的在等一个什么人（当然，不是等您）。一听到您蠢笨的脚步声，看到太太吓得要死的模样，我就躲到了床底下，加上当时黑漆漆的，我怎么向您辩解呢？先生，您是一个可笑的、好吃醋的老头儿。我为什么不出去呢？也许您以为我害怕走出去吧？不，先生，我本来早就要出去的，只是出于对您的同情才坐在这里。唔，要是没有我，您呆在这儿靠谁呢？您会像木墩一样站立在他们面前，您知道您不会临急应变……” “不，为什么像木墩呢？为什么把我比做这个东西？难道您不能拿别的什么东西来作比吗，青年人？为什么我不会临急应变？不，我能找到对付的办法的。” “啊，我的天哪！这条小狗叫得多厉害呀！” “嘘！啊呀，真的……这是因为您老在絮絮叨叨，说过不停。您看见了吧，是您把小狗惊醒的。我们现在要倒霉了。” 确实，女主人的一条小狗，本来一直躺在屋子角落里的一只枕头上睡觉，突然被惊醒了。它嗅到了生人的气味，便汪汪地叫着跑到了床底下。 “啊，我的天哪！多愚蠢的小狗！”伊凡·安德列耶维奇悄悄地说道，“它一定会出卖我们的。它会把我们暴露出来的。 您看，这又是对我们的一次惩罚！ " “您这么胆小，那是一定会受惩罚的！” “阿米，阿米，到这儿来！”女主人叫了起来，“ｉｃｉ，ｉｃｉ①！” 但是，那小狗不听叫唤，对着伊凡·安德列耶维奇往床底下爬。 “宝贝，为什么阿米西卡老是叫个不停？”小老头说话了，“一定是那里有老鼠，要不就是老猫瓦西卡蹲在那里。所以我听到它老是在打喷嚏……瓦西卡今天不是感冒了吗？” “老老实实躺着别动！”青年人悄声说道，“别老是翻身！ 它或许就不再往里爬了。 " “先生，先生！您放开我的两手！为什么您老捏着不放呢？” “嘘！别出声！” “您可怜可怜我吧，青年人！它咬我的鼻子啦！您希望我丢掉鼻子吗？” 接着就是搏斗，后来伊凡·安德列耶维奇抽出了自己的手。小狗汪汪地直叫唤。突然，它停止了叫声，紧接着发出一声尖嚎。 “哎呀！”太太喊叫起来。 ①法语，“到这里来”的意思。 “坏东西！您在干什么？”青年人悄悄地说道，“您想把我们两个人一起害死吗？您为什么去抓它？我的天哪，你会把小狗掐死的！别掐它，放开它！混蛋！您不知道做了这种事以后那女人的心会变成什么样呢！如果您掐死了她的小狗，那么她一定会把我们两个都出卖掉的。” 但是，伊凡·安德列耶维奇已经什么也听不见了。他已经捉住小狗，出于自卫，他掐住了小狗的喉咙，小狗惨叫一声，就咽了气。 “我们糟了！”青年人悄悄说道。 “阿米什卡！阿米什卡！”太太叫起来了。“我的天哪！他们把我的阿米什卡搞成什么样子啦！阿米什卡！阿米什卡！ｉｃｉ（快来）！强盗！野蛮的家伙！天哪，我要死啦！” “怎么回事？怎么回事？”小老头从围椅上跳起来叫道，“您怎么啦，我的宝贝！阿米什卡在这里呢！阿米什卡，阿米什卡，阿米什卡！”小老头狂叫着，同时用手指打着榧子，咂着嘴巴，想把小狗从床底下叫出来。“阿米什卡！来，这儿来！ 总不可能瓦西卡在那里把它吃了吧。应该揍瓦西卡一下，我的朋友！它这个骗子已经整整一个月没挨揍了。你看行么？明天我去和普拉斯科维亚·扎哈里耶夫娜商量。我的天哪，我的朋友，你出什么事啦？哎呀，你的脸色惨白！啊呀，来人哪！Come here! " 于是小老头在房里跑了起来。 “坏蛋！强盗！”太太大叫着跌到了长沙发上。 “谁？谁？是什么人？”老头儿叫喊着。 “那里有人，是外人！……在那里，在床底下！啊，我的上帝！阿米什卡，阿米什卡！他们把你怎么样了？……” “哎呀，我的天啦，主呀！这是些什么人呀！阿米什卡…… 不，来人哪，快来人哪！Who's there? ”老头儿叫着，抓起一支烛，弯着身子朝床底下望去。“是什么人？来人哪，快来人哪！ ..." 伊凡·安德列耶维奇要死不活地躺在阿米什卡的尸体旁。不过，青年人却在捕捉小老头的每一个动作。突然，老头子从另一方，靠着墙弯下身来了。就在这一眨眼之间，青年人从床底下爬出来，拔腿就跑。那时老头子正在双人床的另一边寻找不速之客。 “天哪！”太太望着青年人悄悄说道，“您到底是什么人？ 我还以为……” “那个强盗还没出来，”青年人悄悄说道，“他是弄死阿米什卡的罪犯！” “哎呀！”太太惊叫了一声。 但是，青年人已经从房里消失了。 “哎呀！这里有人。这里是谁的一只靴子！”老头子抓住伊凡·安德列耶维奇的一条腿大声叫了起来。 “凶手！凶手！”太太连连叫道，“啊，阿米！阿米！” “快爬出来，快爬出来！”老头儿一边叫喊，一边用两只脚在地毯上乱跺。“快爬出来，您到底是什么人？快说，您是什么人。天啦！一个多么奇怪的人哪！” “这是一批强盗！……” “看在上帝的面上，看在上帝的面上！”伊凡·安德列耶维奇一边往外爬，一边喊叫。“看在上帝的面上，先生，不要喊人！先生，不要喊人！这完全是多余的！您不能赶我出去！ ……我不是那种人！我自己……先生，这事情是一场误会！我马上向您解释，先生，”伊凡·安德列耶维奇痛哭流涕地说道，“这都是妻子，就是说不是我的妻子而是别人家的妻子，我没有结过婚，我这么……这是我的朋友，儿时的伙伴……” “什么儿时的伙伴！”老头子一边跺脚一边叫喊。“您是小偷，是来偷东西的……不是儿时的伙伴……” “不，不是小偷，先生。我的确是儿时的伙伴……我是无意之间犯下的错误，从另一个大门进来的。” “对，我看见了，先生，我看您是从那个大门爬出来的！” “先生，我不是那样的人。您误会了。我说您是完全误会了，先生。您仔细瞧瞧我吧，好好看一看，您会从某些特征和标记上看到，我不可能是小偷。先生！大人先生！”伊凡·安德列耶维奇交叉着两手叫着，同时转向年轻的太太。“您，太太，请您理解我……阿米什卡是我掐死的……不过，罪责不在我身上，我没有责任……责任都得由妻子来负。我是个不幸的人，我在喝苦酒，活受罪！” “对不起，您吃苦受罪，与我有什么关系？也许您还不止吃一次苦头呢。从您的情况来看，这是很显然的。但是，您到底是怎么进来的，先生？”老头子大声叫道，他激动得浑身颤抖，但从某些特征和表现来看，他又确实相信伊凡·安德列耶维奇不可能是小偷。“我来问您，您是怎么进到这里来的？ 您像强盗一样……” “我不是强盗，先生！我只是从另一个大门进来的，我确确实实不是强盗！这一切都是我爱吃醋造成的。我把事情的真相全告诉您，先生，坦坦白白地讲，像讲给自己的生身父亲一样，因为您年纪这么大，我完全可以把您当成我父亲。” “怎么年纪大？” “先生！我莫非伤害了您？确实，这么年轻的太太……和您的年纪……大人先生，看到这样一对夫妇，真叫人高兴，真叫人感到愉快……在这风华正茂，青春鼎盛的年纪……不过，请您别叫人来。……看在上帝的面上，不要叫人来……来人只会发笑的……我了解他们……也就是说。我不愿意告诉他们，我和一些仆役认识，我也是有仆从的，大人，而且他们老是嘲笑……蠢驴！大人……我大概没有弄错，我是在与一位公爵谈话吧……” “不，我不是公爵，先生，我就是我。请您不必用大人的称呼来讨好我。您是怎么到这里来的，先生？” “大人，先生……请原谅，我以为您是大人，我仔细打量过……我认真思考过，这种事是屡见不鲜的。您很像科罗特科乌霍夫公爵，我曾经在我的朋友普吉列夫先生家有幸见过的……您看，我也认识一些公爵，也在我的熟人家见过其中的一位，您不能把我看作是您所想象的那种人。我不是小偷。 大人，您千万别叫人来。如果您叫人来，结果会怎样呢？ " “您是怎么到这里来的？”太太大声说道，“您到底是什么人？” “对，您是什么人？”老头子接着说道，“宝贝，我还以为是瓦西卡在我们床底下蹲着打喷嚏呢。原来却是他。哎呀，你这个不要脸的家伙！……您到底是什么人？快说呀！” 于是小老头又在地毯上开始跺脚了。 “我不能说，大人！我在等您把话说完……我在恭听您开俏皮的玩笑。至于说到我，那可是一段好笑的故事，大人！我全讲给您听。这可能不用讲，也会很清楚的。也就是说，我想告诉您，您不用叫人来，大人！您对我的态度要好一点。至于我呆在床底下，那倒没有什么……我并没有因此而失去自己的尊严。这是一场喜剧，大人！”伊凡·安德列耶维奇尖叫起来，同时带着哀求的神情转向太太，“特别是您，阁下，一定会笑话的！你们经常见过舞台上吃醋的丈夫。你们看，我在自我作贱，我是自愿作贱自己的。当然，我弄死了阿米什卡，但是……我的天哪，我不知道我在说什么了！” “您到底是怎么到这里来的？” “利用夜间的黑暗，大人，利用这种黑暗……我错了！请你们原谅我，大人！我低三下四地请求宽恕！我只是一个受到伤害的丈夫，仅此而已！您不要以为我是情人、奸夫，大人！我不是情人，不是奸夫！您的夫人是非常慈善的，让我斗胆说一句吧：她是清白的、无辜的！” “什么？什么？您敢说什么呀？”老头子大叫起来，又开始跺脚了。“您发疯了还是怎么的？您怎么敢说我妻子？” “这个坏蛋，杀死阿米什卡的凶手！”太太眼泪汪汪地叫道。“他还胆敢说这样的话！” “大人，大人！我只是胡说八道，”尴尬的伊凡·安德列耶维奇大声说道，“我只是胡说八道，别无他意！你们就当我神经不正常吧……看在上帝的面上，你们就当我神经不正常吧……我用我的名誉向您发誓：你们给了我特别大的面子。我本该向你们伸手，但是我不敢把它伸出来……，我不是一个人，我是叔叔……也就是说，我想说不能把我当成情夫…… God!我又胡说八道了……您别生气，大人，”伊凡·安德列耶维奇对着夫人大声叫道。“您是女人，您懂得什么是爱情，那是一种很细腻的感情！ ……我说什么啦！我又胡说八道了！ 也就是我想说，我是一个老人，哦，不是老头子而是一个上了年纪的人，我不可能成为您的情夫，情夫是理查逊①，也就是洛维拉斯那样的色鬼……我胡说八道了。但是，您可以看到，大人，我是一位有学问的人，我熟悉文学。您笑吧，大人！我高兴，我感到高兴的是我引起了您们的笑声，大人！啊，我能引起你们发笑有多高兴啊！ " “我的天哪！一个多可笑的人哪！”太太嚷道。她哈哈大笑，几乎笑破了肚皮。 “对，是很可笑，而且身上沾了多少灰尘啊，”老头子也说起来了，妻子发笑，他很高兴。“宝贝，他不可能是贼。但是他怎么进来的呢？” “确实很奇怪，的确很奇怪，大人！简直像一部传奇小说！ 怎么不呢？在万籁俱静的三更半夜里，在京城首都，一个人居然藏到床脚底下！实在可笑，的确奇怪！简直是李纳尔多·李纳尔第尼②再世！不过，这没有什么关系，这一切都没有什么关系，大人！我把一切情况都讲给您听……而且，大人，我会还您一条新的哈巴狗……一只了不起的哈巴狗！那①②李纳尔多·李纳尔第尼是德国作家伍尔比乌斯（一七六二——一八二七） 同名小说的主人公。此书一八○二——一八○四年译成俄语，流传很广。 理查逊（一六八九—一七六一），英国作家。他在小说《克莱丽莎·哈娄》中把男主人公洛维拉斯刻画成一名色鬼，使洛维拉斯成了色鬼的代名词。 个毛啊，老长老长的，四条小腿又特别的短小，两三步路都不会走，一跑起来，就会被自己的毛缠住，马上就会绊倒。只要给它喂点糖就行。我一定给您送来，大人，我一定把它送来！ " “哈、哈、哈、哈、哈！”太太坐在沙发上笑得左摇右摆。 “我的天哪！我要发歇斯底里啦！啊呀，真是好笑！” “对，对！哈、哈、哈！咳、咳、咳！可笑，还那么脏，咳、咳、咳！” “大人，大人，我现在非常幸福！我本该向您伸出我的手来，但是，我不敢，大人！我觉得我迷失了方向，但是，现在我睁开了眼睛。我相信，我的妻子也是清白无辜的！我不该对她怀疑……” “妻子，他的妻子！”太太大声嚷道，笑得流出了眼泪。 “他有妻子，真的吗？我可怎么也想不到呢！”老头儿接着说道。 “大人，是我妻子，这事情全得怪她，也可以说是我的责任。我疑心她有外遇。我知道他们在这里幽会，就在这楼上。 我曾经截获过一张字条，但是错记了一个楼层，于是就躺在床底下了……” “嘿、嘿、嘿、嘿！” “哈、哈、哈、哈！” “哈、哈、哈、哈！”伊凡·安德列耶维奇最后也笑起来了。“啊，我多么幸福啊！看到我们大家这么和谐、这么幸福叫人多高兴啊！我妻子也是完全无辜的！对此我几乎已经完全相信了。不是一定会如此吗，大人？” “哈、哈、哈！咳、咳！宝贝，你知道，这是谁吗？”老头儿终于停止大笑，开口说了起来。 “谁呢？哈、哈、哈！是谁？” “就是那个长得漂漂亮亮，同一个花花公子眉来眼去的那一位。就是她！我敢打赌，那是他的妻子！” “不，大人，我深信，那个女人不是她！我完全相信。” “我的天哪！您要抓紧时间，”太太停止哈哈大笑，高声嚷叫。“您快跑，上楼去！或许，您正好可以撞见他们呢……” “真的，我得飞着去，大人。不过，我不会碰上任何人，大人。那不是她，我早已深信不疑了。她现在在家里！而在这里的是我！我只是爱吃醋而已，别无他意……您以为我到那里一定会碰上他们吗，大人？” “哈、哈、哈！” “嘻、嘻、嘻！咳、咳！” “您快去吧，快去吧，回来时，再来讲给我们听吧，“太太嚷道，“要不别来了，最好明天早上来，把她也带来，我想和她认识认识。” “再见吧，大人，再见！我一定带她来，我很高兴认识你们。一切结束得这么出人意外，而且结局这么好，真让我感到幸福与高兴！” “哈巴狗也带来！您千万别忘了，首先要把哈巴狗带来。” “我会带来的，大人，我一定会带来的！”伊凡·安德列耶维奇接着说道，他又跑进房间，因为他本来已经躬身道别，走出去了的。“我一定带来。那条狗长得多漂亮啊！好像是糖果点心糕点师用白糖制成的。那模样是这样的：一走路就被自己的毛发缠住、绊倒。真是这样的！我还对妻子说过：'怎么，宝贝，它老是跌倒吗？'她说：'是呀，多可爱呀！'大人，它是用糖做成的，确实是用糖做的！再见啦，大人，非常、非常高兴认识你们，非常、非常高兴！” 伊凡·安德列耶维奇连连鞠躬，然后走了出去。 “喂，您呀！先生！请等一等，再回来一次吧！”小老头望着离去的伊凡·安德列耶维奇的背影叫喊。 伊凡·安德列耶维奇第三次转身回来。 “公猫瓦西卡我老是找不到。您呆在床底下时有没有见过它呢？” “不，我没碰见过，大人！不过，我很高兴认识您。我认为这是我莫大的荣幸……” “它现在正在患感冒，老是打喷嚏，不停地打喷嚏！应该揍它一顿狠的！” “对，大人，这是理所当然的事，对于家畜，改正错误的惩罚是绝对不可缺少的。” "what?" “我说，以改正错误为目的惩罚，大人，对于驯服家畜来说是必不可少的。” “啊！……好，去吧，去吧，我只谈这一件事。” 走到外面以后，伊凡·安德列耶维奇站了好久，好像他在等待他马上就会中风似的。他取下帽子，擦干额头上的汗水，眯缝起眼睛，想了想什么，然后回家去了。 一到家，他打听到格拉菲拉·彼得罗夫娜已经从剧院回来，而且早就牙齿痛了起来，于是派人请医生，买治牙痛的水蛭，她现在正躺在床上，等待伊凡·安德列耶维奇回家。当时他那种惊讶的神态，简直难以形容！ 伊凡·安德列耶维奇先是拍了一下自己的前额，然后吩咐下人给他倒水洗脸、擦身，最后才下决心进妻子的卧室。 “您这段时间是在哪里消磨的？您看看，您像什么人啦！ 您的脸色好难看！您到底到哪里去了？先生，您说说看，妻子都快死了，可是全城都找不到您！您在哪里？莫非又是去捉我了，想打断我根本不知道跟谁订的约会吗？真叫人害臊啊，先生！您是什么丈夫！很快就会有人用手指戮您的脊梁骨的！ " “宝贝！”伊凡·安德列耶维奇说了这一句作为回答。 但是这时他感到很不好意思，不得不伸手去口袋里找手帕并把刚刚开始的谈话打断，因为他既找不到恰当的语言，也没有足够的勇气和思想准备来继续把话说完……当阿米什卡的尸体和手帕一起从口袋里拖出来的时候，他有多么吃惊、担心和害怕啊！伊凡·安德列耶维奇没有发觉，在感到绝望的冲动下，他被迫从床脚底下爬出来，在莫名其妙的恐惧之中，把阿米什卡塞进了口袋内，希望因此而消灭自己的犯罪痕迹，隐藏犯罪的证据，从而逃避应得的惩罚。 “这是什么？”太太嚷叫起来，“一条死狗！天哪！从哪里……您这是干什么？……您到哪里去了？快说，您刚才到哪里去了？……” “宝贝！”伊凡·安德列耶维奇回答道。他的样子看起来比阿米什卡更像死者。“宝贝呀……” 我们将把我们的主人公留下，留到下一次再说，因为一个非常特别的、新的惊险故事即将在这里开始。诸位先生，所有这些灾难和命中注定的折磨故事，我们将来是一定要讲完的。但是，你们大家一定会同意：嫉妒是一种不可原谅的激情，不仅如此，它甚至就是不幸！ ...