Chapter 5 chapter Five

I have nothing but love in my life, so I hold on to love, only pay attention to my girlfriend, and expect nothing else, and I don't want to expect anything else.I was going to see her the next day when my aunt stopped me and handed me this letter she had just received: … After Juliet took the medicine prescribed by the doctor, it was not until the early morning that her irritability was relieved.I beg Jerome not to come these days.Juliet needs absolute silence, she will hear Jerome's footsteps or voice. Juliet is so sick that I'm afraid I'll have to watch over her.If I can't receive Jerome before he leaves, please let me know, dear aunt, that I will write to him... This prohibition is only for me, and my aunt can go as she pleases, and so can anyone else. Colin's in the city; and my aunt will be there in the morning.What noise can I make?What a poor excuse... never mind! "Well, if I don't go, I won't go." I was very upset that I couldn't see Alyssa soon, but I was afraid of seeing her again, and I was afraid that she would blame me for her sister's illness, so instead of seeing her, I would rather see her. Her tantrums are easier to bear.At least, I still want to meet Abel.At the door of his house, a maid handed me a note:

I'm leaving you this note so you won't worry.Being in Le Havre, so close to Juliet, is something I cannot bear.Immediately after parting from you in the evening I set sail for Southampton.I'm planning to go to Mr. S's house in London...to finish my vacation.We'll see you back at school. Everyone's rescue was lost at once; if I stayed any longer, I would only suffer pain, so I returned to Paris before school started.My eyes turned to God, to the Lord of true consolation, bounty of every kind, and perfect reward.My pain was also dedicated to him, to whom Alyssa must have sought refuge, and my prayers were encouraged and encouraged by the thought of Alyssa praying.A long time passed in contemplation and study, without any great event except my correspondence with Alyssa.I keep all her letters, and I will use them for reference if my memory is blurred...

The news of Le Havre was first obtained through my aunt, and only through her.I learned that Juliet had been seriously ill for the first few days, and it was quite frightening.On the twelfth day of my absence, I finally received this letter from Alyssa: Dear Jerome, excuse me for not writing to you sooner.Our poor Juliet is so ill that I can't spare the time.After you left, I guarded her almost day and night.In our case, I asked my aunt to tell you, and she must have done so.You should know that Juliet is much better these days.I thank God, but I dare not be too optimistic. Until now I have said little of Robert, who returned to Paris a few days after me, and brought me news of his two sisters.I cared about him for their sake, not for my natural disposition.He is studying at the Agricultural College, and during the holidays, I always take care of him and try to give him more relaxation.I dare not ask Alyssa and my aunt directly, but I learned it through Robert: Édouard Tessier went frequently to see Juliet's illness; but before Robert left Le Havre, Juliet had not yet Meet him again.I also learned that since I left, she has been silent in front of her sister, and it is impossible to get her to speak.Not long afterward I heard from my aunt that Juliet herself wanted an official announcement of the engagement as soon as possible, while Alyssa, as I had expected, wanted it to be broken off immediately.She had made up her mind, but she just kept a straight face, didn't say a word, didn't look at anything, no matter how much she advised, how much she ordered, how much she begged, it didn't help... Time passed like this.All I got was some really disappointing texts from Alyssa, and I really didn't know what to write back.In the fog of winter, no matter the light of learning, or all the enthusiasm of love and faith, alas!Nothing can dispel the darkness and coldness in my heart.Time passed like this.Then, one spring morning, I suddenly received a letter from my aunt—from Alyssa while she was away at Le Havre.A portion of the letter that illustrates the problem is transcribed as follows:

. . . Praise my obedience: I followed your advice, received M. Tessier, and had a long conversation with him.I admit that he behaved very well, and, in truth, I am almost convinced that the marriage will not be so unhappy as I feared it would be.Of course, Juliet didn't love him; but as the weeks went by, my impression of him as unlovable gradually faded.He saw his situation soberly, and he did not misread my sister's character; but he was convinced that the love he expressed was extremely effective, and he was confident that there was nothing that his perseverance could not overcome.This shows that he loves deeply.

I was very touched by the way Jerome took care of my brother.I think he did it entirely out of duty—and probably to please me—because Robert bears little resemblance to his character.No doubt he has recognized that the more difficult the responsibilities, the more instructive and uplifting the mind.This kind of thinking is unearthly!Don't make fun of your great niece too much, but it's the kind of thinking that sustains me and helps me try to see Juliet's marriage as a good thing. Dear aunt, your thoughtful care makes me feel very warm in my heart! ... But don't think how unfortunate I am; I can almost say: on the contrary, because the ordeal Juliet has just passed has echoes in me. This sentence in the "Bible": "Trust in others will bring misfortune", I used to recite it often, but I didn't quite understand it, but now I suddenly understand it.I first read that line, not in my Bible, but on a Christmas card Jerome sent me before he was twelve and I had just turned fourteen.There was a bouquet of flowers on the picture, which we thought was very beautiful at the time, and a paraphrase poem by Corneille① was printed beside it: ① Corneille (1606-1684), French classicist tragedy writer.

What kind of charm overcomes the world Lead me up to meet God today? Put your hope on the world, In the end, you will suffer disaster yourself! But, to be honest, I prefer Jeremiah's succinct statement.There is no doubt that ① Jeremiah: (about 650/645-580 BC) is one of the four prophets in the "Bible Old Testament", and served as a prophet to the Jewish king Josiah.Jerome hadn't paid much attention to the words when he had chosen the card.But, judging from his recent letters, his tendencies now resemble mine; and I thank God for drawing us both close to him at the same time.

I still remember our conversation, and I no longer write long letters to him like in the past, so as not to disturb his study.You will think that I am trying to make up for it by talking about him in this way;Don't take it as an example, don't blame me too much. What do I think of this letter!I hate my aunt for meddling in business (what happened to that conversation that Alyssa mentioned that silenced her to me?), and being courteous, why did you forward the letter to me!Alyssa's silence is enough for me, hum!What she no longer told me, but wrote to others, should not have been known to me!Everything in this letter made me angry: she told her aunt so easily the little secrets between us, and the tone was so natural, so frank, so earnest, and so witty, that it seemed to me... "Oh, no, My poor friend! You are annoyed because this letter is not for you," said Abel to me.Abel became my daily companion, the only person I could talk to.When I feel lonely; When I feel discouraged and need to complain and win sympathy, I keep pouring out to him; When I am in trouble, I also trust him to give me good advice, despite our different temperaments, or because of our different temperaments ... "Let's study this letter." He said, spreading the letter on the writing table.Four days and three nights, I spent in anger!Now that my friend wants to analyze it for me, I am naturally willing to listen to it: "The part about Juliet and Tessier, we are thrown into the fire of love, right? We know how powerful the flame is. Not bad! I think Tessier is like Like a moth to a flame..." "Stop talking about that," I told him, disgusted by his jokes. "Look at the rest." "The rest?" he said. "The rest is all for you. Complain! There is not a line, not a word that is not filled with thoughts of you. The whole letter is, so to speak, addressed to you. Aunt Felicia forwards it to You, it is returned to the original owner. Alyssa could not write directly to you, so she sent it to this good mother-in-law, which is the next best thing. In fact, your aunt knows nothing about Corneille!—By the way, this It's Racine's poem;—I tell you, she's talking to you; all this is for you. If your cousin doesn't write in the same light and cheerful tone in two weeks The same long letter, that can only show that you are a big fool..." ① Racine (1630-1699), a French classicist tragedy writer. "She's unlikely to do that." "It's all up to you! Do you want my advice? Well, from now on, for a long time, you won't say anything about your love, or anything about it." Marriage. That's what troubled her after her sister's accident, don't you see? You've got to work on your fraternity and talk to her about Robert, since you've been so patient with the fool. Just keep keeping her spirits happy and the rest will follow. Hey! Look how I write her instead! "You're not entitled to love her. "However, I acted according to Abel's idea. After a while, Alyssa's letter did come back to life; but I still dare not expect her to be sincerely happy and open-hearted, until I can't. To protect Juliet's happiness, she also needs to protect her life. Alyssa told me that Juliet's condition has improved and the wedding will be held in July. Alyssa also said in the letter that she thinks that Abel and I must go to class on the day of the wedding. But I can't attend... I understand what she means, we'd better not attend the wedding. So we just wrote congratulatory letters on the grounds of the exam.

About a fortnight after the wedding, Alyssa wrote me a letter: My dear Jerome: Just think how surprised I was: yesterday I happened to be flipping through the beautiful book "Racine" and found a Christmas card stuck in my "Bible" for almost ten years, the one you gave me. line poem: What kind of charm overcomes the world Lead me up to meet God today? Put your hope on the world, In the end, you will suffer disaster yourself! I thought it was a paraphrase from Corneille, and to be honest, I didn't think it was very beautiful at the time.However, when I went on to read the fourth chapter of the hymn, I came across a few verses and thought they were very beautiful, so I couldn't help but copy them and send them to you.Judging by the abbreviated names you put on the margins of the page numbers (I do have a habit of writing Alyssa's initials next to my favorite chapters in both my book and Alyssa's book , as a reminder), you must have read it.It doesn't matter!Anyway, I transcribed it for fun.I thought I had discovered something new, but when I saw that you suggested reading it, I was a little disappointed at first, and then I thought that you like these poems as much as I do, and replaced this unpleasant feeling with joy.As I transcribed it, it felt like you were reading with me again:

The thundering voice of eternal wisdom, Teach us in these words: "Children of mankind, listen What is the result of relying on oneself alone? A vain soul, so false, Let pure blood flow, Often for nothing but phantoms, Instead of a filling wafer: You gave your pure blood, Why are you hungrier than ever? The holy bread I recommend to you, only angels can enjoy; High-quality flour is used, Made by the hand of God. How sweet is this sanctuary, How can the earthly table be seen! I'll give the wafer as I go, Don't miss this world. Come here, you want eternal life? Take it and eat this wafer.

... How lucky is the captive soul, rest in the yoke of the Lord, Thirsty to drink the fountain of life, The fountain of longevity will never run out. Everyone can drink from this spring, This spring welcomes all. Yet we run wild, Run to find some quagmire, Looking for some deceitful pool, There the water moments pass. How beautiful!Jerome, how beautiful!You really think it's as beautiful as I do, don't you?There is a small note in my edition saying that de Mantenon 1 heard Mademoiselle de Aumar sing this hymn, ① the Marquise de Mantenon (1635-1719), who was first in charge of educating Louis XIV children, married the king in 1683. When the king died in 1715, she lived in seclusion in Saint-Cyr and set up a school to educate the poor noble children.Seems to be very appreciative, "shed a few tears", and asked her to repeat a section.Now I keep it in my heart and recite it tirelessly.My only sadness is that I haven't heard you read to me here.

Our traveling married couple, the good news continues.You know, in Bayonne and Biarritz, in spite of the heat, Juliet had such a good time.Later they visited Fontarabia, stopped at Burgos, crossed the Pyrenees twice... Now Juliet wrote me an encouraging letter from Montserrat.They planned to stay in Barcelona for another ten days before returning to Nîmes, for Edward had to be back by September in order to arrange the grape harvest. Father and I, we have been staying at Fengesmar for a week, Miss Ashbuton will be here tomorrow, and Robert will be back four days later.Let me tell you, the poor boy didn't pass the exam, not because the questions were too difficult, but because the examiner asked him too weird questions, which made him bewildered.I know from your letter that Robert is working hard, but I can't believe he is not ready. It seems that the examiner likes to make things difficult for the students. As for your excellent results, my dear friend, I cannot say congratulatory words, which I always take for granted.I have so much faith in you, Jerome, and so much hope when I think of you.Can you start doing the work you mentioned last time? ... ... Nothing has changed here in the garden, and yet the house looks empty!I beg you not to come back this year, now you should know why, right?I feel better like this; but I have to say it in my heart every day, because it is really uncomfortable not to see you for so long... Sometimes, I can't help looking for you, and I will stop when I read a book, and suddenly turn around... just I feel you are next to me! I continued to write.It is nighttime, when everyone else is asleep, and I am writing to you from the open window.The garden is fragrant and the air is warm.Do you remember, when we were young, whenever we saw or heard something wonderful, we thought: God, thank you for creating it... Tonight, I was thinking with all my thoughts: God, thank you for creating such a wonderful thing night!And then all of a sudden, I want you to be here, to feel you are here, right next to me, and the desire is so strong that you probably already feel it. Yes, you say it well in your letter, "in the pure heart of nature", praise and gratitude are united... How much more I have to write to you! —I thought of the sunny country that Juliet spoke of.I also thought of other lands, wider, more empty, and more sunny.A strange belief dwells in me: One day, I don’t know how to realize it, and we will see together some mysterious great country… You can easily imagine how ecstatic I was when I read this letter, and how many tears of love I shed.A few more letters followed.Alyssa thanked me for not visiting Gesmar, and she begged me not to see her this year, but she also regretted my absence and was eager to see me now, a call echoed on every page of the letter.Where did I get the strength to refuse to respond?No doubt I listened to Abel's advice, no doubt I was afraid of ruining my happiness all at once, and it was also my rigid nature that prevented me from expressing my emotions.In several subsequent letters, all parts that can illustrate this story are copied as follows: Dear Jerome: Reading your letter, I am immersed in joy.I was about to answer your letter from Orvieto, and at the same time I received letters from you from Assisi and Perogia.I also travel to these places with my mind, as if I only left my body here.Really, you and I are driving on the white road of Umbria ①; ① Umbria: Central Italy.I set off with you early, and gazed at the dawn with new eyes... On the platform of Cortona, did you really call me?I hear it... On the northern hills of Assisi, we're dying of thirst!How delicious was that glass of water that the Franciscan friar gave me!my friend!I see everything through you.How I love that part of your letter to me about Saint Francis!Yes, what should be sought is definitely not a kind of liberation of the mind, but a kind of fanaticism.Emancipation of the mind must breed hateful pride.The ambition to build ideas is not to resist but to serve...   The news from Nimes is excellent, and I feel that God has allowed me to have as much fun as I can.The only shadow of this summer is my poor father's state of mind.In spite of my best care, he remained sullen, and indeed, as soon as I left him alone, he sank back into grief, which was always obsessive.How cheerful nature is all around us, but its language has become so foreign to him that he doesn't even bother to listen. —Miss Ashbuton is all right.I read your letters to them both; we talked about each letter for three days; and then the next letter arrived. ...Robert left us the day before yesterday: he was going to spend the last days of his vacation at the house of his friend R., whose father kept a model farm.There is no doubt that the life we ​​lead here does not seem to Robert very happy.He proposed to leave, of course I can only support his plan... ...so much to tell you!How I long for this endless conversation!Sometimes, when I can't think of words, or think clearly, -- writing to you tonight is like a dream -- there is only an almost urgent sense that there are infinite riches to give and receive. How could we have remained silent during those long months?No doubt about it; we were in hibernation.oh!That dreadful silent winter, may it be over forever!I found you again, and it seemed to me that life, our thoughts, our souls, all seemed so beautiful, so lovely, so rich and inexhaustible. September 12 Your letter from Pisa has been received.We have clear skies here too.Normandy has never been so beautiful.The day before yesterday I walked alone, a long circle across the fields, and came home not tired but excited, completely intoxicated with sunshine and joy.How beautiful the haystacks are under the scorching sun!I don't have to imagine myself in Italy to feel that everything is fine. Yes, my friend, what you call Nature's "mixed hymn," I listened to and understood, a tribute to joy.This praise, which I hear in every bird's song and smell in every flower's fragrance, I believe that praise is the only form of prayer—I repeat with Saint Francis: I God!my God! "Not others"①, full of unspeakable love in my heart①The original text is Italian. You don't have to worry, I will never turn into a nun of the order of ignorance!I have read a lot of books recently, and it has been raining for the past few days. I seem to have converged my praise into the book... I just finished reading Malebranche, and immediately picked up Leibniz's "To Clark's Letter.Then relax, ①Malebranche (1638-1715), French philosopher and theologian. ② Leibniz (1646-1716), German philosopher and mathematician.I read Shelley's "The Cinches" again, which didn't make much sense; I also read "The Sentimental Woman" Shelley (1792-1822), a British poet.People"... It may irritate you to say that, I don't think that the whole work of Shelley, the whole work of Byron, can compare with the four carols of Keats we read together last summer; Keats (1795-1821), British poet.The four carols should be referred to and so on.The works are not equal to the few sonnets of Baudelaire ①. The word "big" poet, ① Baudelaire (1821-1867), French poet, author.It doesn't matter, what matters is whether he is a "pure" poet... my brother!Thank you for helping me recognize, understand and love it all. ...No, don't cut short your family trip for the sake of a few days of fun.Seriously, it's better that we don't meet now.Believe me: If you were by my side, I wouldn't miss you any further.I don't want to make you sad, but now, I don't want you in front of me.Want me to be honest?If I find out that you are coming tonight... I will run away immediately. Well!Please, don't make me explain this... feeling to you.I just know that I think of you without ceasing (which should be enough to make you happy), and that I am happy. ... Not long after the receipt of this last letter, I returned from Italy, and was immediately conscripted and sent to Nancy to perform my military service.I was alone there, and I had no acquaintance; but I was glad to be alone.For in this way, both for Alyssa and for me, the proud lover, the situation became clearer; her letters were my only refuge, and my thoughts for her were, in the words of Lonza, "" My one and only Endraig." ① Lonza (1524-1585), a poet of the French Seven Star Poetry Society. ②Endrecht: A term used by the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle, meaning "fulfillment".To be honest, I practiced a fairly strict discipline with ease and joy, and I could stand up to anything. In my letters to Alyssa, I only complained that she was not around.We even thought that such a long separation was the due test of our courage. "You never complain," Alyssa wrote to me, "You, too, can hardly imagine being discouraged..." To prove her point, what could I not bear? It's been almost a year since we last saw each other.She didn't seem to think about this, but only waited from now on.So I wrote to blame her, but she wrote back: Didn't I tour Italy with you?ungrateful!I never left you for a day.Understand that for some time from now I cannot follow you, and it is for this and only for this that I call separation.Yes, I've tried to imagine you in uniform too...but I can't.At most, you can think of writing or reading letters at night in that little dormitory in the Rue de Gambet... even, can't you?What you will look like in Fengsmar or Le Havre a year from now. one year!I don't count the days that have passed, my hope is staring at that point in the future: watching it approach slowly, slowly.You must remember that at the end of the garden, the low wall where the chrysanthemums are planted at the foot of the wall, we once ventured to climb it, and you and Juliet walked forward boldly, like Muslims going straight to heaven; You get dizzy when you step down, and you shout at me: "Don't look down at your feet!...Look ahead! Keep your eyes on the target! Go straight ahead!" Finally, you climbed up the wall and waited for me on the other side ,--this is more useful than your words--I no longer tremble, I don't feel dizzy anymore, my eyes are only on you, and I run to throw myself into your open arms... Jerome, what should I do if I have no confidence in you?I need to feel you are strong, I need to rely on you.Don't be weak. We deliberately extended the waiting time, out of a challenge, maybe out of fear that our reunion would not be so perfect, we agreed to take a few days off near the New Year, and I would go to Paris to accompany Ash Miss Buton... I told you: I don't take pictures of all my correspondence.Here is a letter I received in mid-February: I was so excited the day before yesterday. I passed by the M bookstore on Paris Street and saw Abel’s book in the window: You told me, but I still don’t believe that he will actually publish a book.I couldn't help but walked in, but thought the title of the book was ridiculous, so I hesitated for a while and didn't tell the clerk; I even wanted to grab a book and leave the bookstore; fortunately, there was a small stack of "Intimacy" for sale next to the counter, so I didn't need to say anything, fuck He picked up a copy, dropped a hundred sous, and left. I'm so thankful Abel didn't send me his work!I am ashamed when I turn the pages; and I am ashamed, not so much of the book itself—I see more stupid things in it than dirty words—but of the author, Abel, your good friend Abel Ward. thier.I read page after page and did not find the "great genius" that the critics of Time magazine identified.In our small circle in Le Havre who often talk about Abel, I heard that the book was very successful.This incomprehensible vulgar wit is called "easy" and "elegant"; it goes without saying that I have always been cautious and will only talk to you about my impressions.As for the poor Vicar Vautier, he was at first sad, and rightly so, and then he could not make up his mind whether to be proud of himself; he was urged to believe in his son's success by those around him.Yesterday at Aunt Plantier's, Mrs. V suddenly said: "Your son has done well, Mr. Reverend, you should be happy!" But he was a little apprehensive, and replied: "My God, I haven't thought of this step. . . . "You'll think of it! You'll think of it!" the aunt said repeatedly. Of course, her words were not malicious, but her tone was full of encouragement, which made everyone, including the pastor's wooden dummy, laugh.It is said that the newspapers have already published an article revealing that he is writing a play for a popular theater: "New Abelard", but what will happen when it is put on the stage? ... Poor Abel: Is this the kind of success that Chi longs for, and wants to be satisfied with? Yesterday I was reading "Eternal Comfort" and saw this passage: "Whoever really desires the true and eternal glory will give up the worldly glory; whoever cannot despise the worldly glory in his heart will never love the heavenly glory And so I thought: My God, thank you for choosing Jerome for this honor, which is nothing compared to the other. In the monotonous business, week after week, month after month passed.However, my mind can only cling to memories or hopes, and I don't really feel how slow time is, how long the days are.Uncle and Alyssa planned to visit Juliet in the suburbs of Nîmes in June, when she was due to give birth; but the news there was not good, and they left early. After arriving in Nîmes, Alyssa wrote to me: What happened to the fact that your last letter arrived at Le Havre just a week after we had left it?For a whole week, I felt like a lost soul, terrified, suspicious, and very weak.my brother!Only with you can I truly be myself, surpass myself... Juliet's health improved and she was going into labor any day, so we waited and didn't worry too much.She knows that I wrote to you this morning.The day after we arrived at Egger-Weaver she asked me: "And Jerome, how is he? . . . Does he keep writing to you? . . . " Of course I couldn't lie to her. "When you write to him again, tell him..." She hesitated for a moment, and then said very softly with a smile: "...that I'm cured."—She always writes to me so happily, I'm afraid she It's a play to deceive me, and she also deceives herself... What she uses to create happiness today is very different from what she dreamed before, and her happiness should depend on what she dreamed back then! ……Oh!The so-called happiness is not far from the soul, and the external factors that seem to constitute happiness are insignificant!My walk alone beyond the evergreen bushes had many impressions which I will not repeat here; but I will say this: what surprised me most was that I did not feel happier.Juliet is happy, I should be full of joy... But why am I sad for no reason, and I can't get rid of this emotion? ... When you wrote to me from Italy, I was good at seeing everything through you; and now everything I see without you seems to have been stolen from you.Also, at Funguesmar and Le Havre, I had acquired resistance to the rain; here, however, this resistance was useless, and I felt uneasy about its uselessness.The smiles of the natives and sights displeased me; what I called "sorrow" was perhaps merely not as loud as they were... There was no doubt that my joy had been tinged with pride before, for now that I have come to this There is a feeling of humiliation in the strange and cheerful atmosphere. Since I've been here, I haven't been able to pray much: I have a childish feeling that God isn't where he used to be.Goodbye, I will put down my pen in a moment.I am ashamed to be so blasphemous, so weak and sentimental, and to confess honestly, to write you all this, a letter which I may tear up tomorrow if I don't post it tonight... The next letter only talked about the newborn niece and planned to ask her to be a godmother. Juliet was so happy and uncle was so happy, but she didn't mention her own feelings.And then, again, a letter from Gesmar, where Juliet went in July... Edward and Juliet left us this morning.What I miss the most is my little goddaughter. When I meet again in half a year, I’m afraid I won’t be able to recognize her every move; and up to now, every move of hers has been born under my watchful eyes.Human growth is always so mysterious and surprising!It is only because we are not paying attention that we do not experience this sense of wonder very often.How many hours have I looked down at this little cradle full of hope.With what selfishness, self-satisfaction, and self-improvement, has this development of man come to a halt, fixed so far from God?well!If only we could, and would, be a little closer to God... what a contest that would be! It seems that Juliet is very happy.I saw her give up piano and reading, and I was sad at first.But Édouard Tessier had no music, and no great interest in books, so Juliet was wise not to seek pleasures she could not share with him.Instead, she gradually became interested in her husband's business, and he kept her informed about all the business.This year, his business has grown a lot, and he joked that it was his marriage that allowed him to win a lot of clients in Le Havre.Recently, when he went out to discuss business, Edward also asked Robert to accompany him, caring for him, and said that knowing his character, he hoped that he would really be interested in this work. Father's health is much better.Seeing that his daughter was happy, he also became younger, and began to care about the farm and garden again, and sometimes let me continue to read to him aloud.At the previous stage, Miss Ashbourton was also there, and I began to read to them Baron de Huberteau's travelogue. I also became very interested in this book, which was interrupted because of the Tessier family's visit.Now, I have more time for reading; however, I am still waiting for your advice.This morning, I flipped through several books in a row, and I was not interested in any of them! ... From this time on Alyssa's letters became more ambiguous and urgent.At the end of the summer, she wrote to me as follows: I was afraid of worrying you, so I didn't tell you how much I look forward to your return.Before I saw you again, my days were like years, and each day weighed me down.There are still two months!I feel longer than all the time we've been apart!Everything I did to pass the time while I was waiting seemed to me temporary and insignificant, and I forced myself to do nothing.Books have lost their power and are dull to read; walks have lost their fascination, all nature has lost its magic, and gardens have lost their color and fragrance.I envy you the drudgery of being a soldier, envy the mandatory training that is not your choice.The kind of training that distracts you, wears you out, eats up your day, and at night pushes your weary body into sleep.The exercises you told me about, so vividly described, really disturbed me.I haven't been able to sleep well these few nights. I woke up several times and heard the sound of the wake-up call. I actually heard it.The slight intoxication you mentioned, the briskness in the morning, and the state of slumber... I can clearly imagine it.How beautiful the plateau of Malzerville must have been in the cool bright light of dawn! ... My health is not very good recently; eh!Nothing major.Probably just because I look forward to you more urgently. Six weeks later, I received another letter: My friends, this is my last letter.Although the date of your return has not yet been fixed, it will not be long, so I can no longer write to you.Originally, I hoped to meet you at Fengsmar Grange, but now the season has turned bad, the weather is very cold, and my father kept talking about going back to the city.Juliet and Robert are not here, and there is no problem in letting you live with us; but you would be better off with Aunt Felicite, who will be more than happy to receive you. As the date of our rendezvous approached, my anticipation became more and more anxious, and I almost became terrified.At first I hoped for your return so much, but now I seem to be afraid of your return; I try not to think about it.I imagine hearing your ringing doorbell, your footsteps going upstairs and my heart stops beating, or I feel sick...especially don't expect me to say anything to you...I feel like my past is over, move on Can't see anything; my life stops... Unexpectedly, four days later, that is, a week before my demobilization, I received another short letter from her: My friend, I completely agree with you: don't stay too long in Le Havre, and don't prolong our first meeting after a long absence.We have written everything in the letter, what else can we say when we meet?Since you have to go back to Paris to register from the 28th, don't hesitate, don't even regret that you only stayed with us for two days.Don't we have a whole life?