Chapter 6 Chapter Six

We first met at my aunt's house.I suddenly felt sluggish and clumsy with military service... She must have thought I had changed, I thought afterwards.But what does it matter to us that we first see this delusion? ——For my part, I didn't dare to look at her very much at first, for fear that I wouldn't be able to fully recognize her... No, it made us so uncomfortable; it's better to say that it is the absurdity of forcing us to play the unmarried couple The characters, and this gallantry of everyone going away and leaving us alone. "Well, auntie, you don't hinder us at all: we have nothing secret to say," cried Alyssa at last, for the old man's evasion was so obvious.

"No! No, boys! I know you all very well; it's been a long time since I've seen each other, and there's always a lot of little things to talk about..." "Please, Auntie, you're going to disappoint us by going away," said Alyssa, in a tone so angry that I couldn't make out. "Auntie, I assure you that if you go away we won't speak a word." I laughed and chimed in, but we were alone with a certain panic.So, the three of us continued talking, talking about some boring things, each of us pretended to be happy, deliberately looking so excited to cover up our inner panic.We were meeting again the next day, and my uncle invited me to lunch, so we had no trouble breaking up on the first evening, and were happy to end the scene.

I arrived at my uncle's house a lot earlier, but unfortunately Alyssa was talking to a girlfriend, and I was embarrassed to send her away, but that girl didn't know what to do and didn't take the initiative to leave.When finally there were only the two of us left, I still pretended to be surprised why we didn't stay for dinner.Last night, none of us slept well, and we all looked listless and tired.Uncle is here.Alyssa could tell I thought he was much older.He was also deaf and couldn't hear what I said.I had to yell loudly to make him understand, and it turned out to be stupid.

After lunch, Aunt Plantier came to pick us up by car as scheduled and took us to Orsche, and planned to let Alyssa and I walk for a while when we came back, because the scenery was the most beautiful. Although it is late autumn, the weather today is very hot.The part of the coast we walked was in direct sunlight and had no charm; the trees were bare and there was no shade along the way.We worried that the old man's car had been waiting in front for a long time, so we accelerated our pace inappropriately.I had a terrible headache, and I couldn't think of anything to say. In order to pretend to be calm, or to avoid talking, I held Alyssa's hand while walking, and Alyssa let me hold it.On the one hand, we were excited and breathless as we walked quickly, on the other hand, we were silent and embarrassed, and our blood rushed to our faces.I heard my temples thumping, and Alyssa blushed badly.After a while, we felt that our hands were sweaty and damp, and it was awkward to hold them together, so we simply let them go, and each hung down sadly.

We were in such a hurry that we got ahead of the car early at the intersection: my aunt went the other way, driving very slowly to give us time to chat.So Alyssa and I sat on the slope by the side of the road.We were sweating all over, and suddenly a cold wind blew, which made us tremble; we stood up quickly again, and went to meet our aunt's car. . . . But worst of all was poor aunt's obsessive concern, who was sure we must have talked a lot, and wanted to ask about our engagement.Alyssa couldn't stand it any longer, tears welled up in her eyes, and said she had a terrible headache.As a result, all the way back, everyone was silent.

When I woke up the next day, my back was sore, I had a cold, and I felt very uncomfortable. I didn't decide to go to the Bucolan's house until the afternoon.It so happened that Alyssa had a visitor, Aunt Felicite's granddaughter Madeleine Plantier--I knew Alyssa liked to talk to her a lot.She stayed at her grandmother's house for a few days, and when she saw me enter the house, she said loudly: "You leave here in a while, if you go directly to the 'hillside', let's go together." I nodded mechanically, and now I can't talk to Alyssa alone.However, the presence of this lovely little girl no doubt helped us, and I was not as terribly embarrassed as I was yesterday.The three of us quickly chatted casually, and the conversation was not as trivial as I had feared at first.When I got up to say goodbye, Alyssa gave me a weird little smile, as if she didn't understand by then that I was leaving the next day.Besides, we will meet again soon, so there is no sentimental scene in my farewell this time.

After dinner, however, feeling vaguely uneasy again, I descended into town and wandered for nearly an hour before deciding to ring the Buccolain's doorbell again.This time it was my uncle who came out to receive me.Alyssa was unwell, had gone upstairs to her room, and must have gone to bed right away.I chatted with my uncle for a while, then got up and left... It's such an unfortunate meeting several times, but what's the use of blaming?Even when things go well, embarrassing things happen to us.Alyssa felt this too, and it hurt me more than anything else.I had just returned to Paris when I received a letter from her:

What a sad meeting, my friend!You seem to be blaming others, but you don't even believe it yourself.Now I finally understand that I am afraid it will always be like this in the future.Well!Please, let's never see each other again! We have so many things to talk about, but when we meet, why are we so awkward and contrived, why are we so dumbfounded and unable to speak?You were silent on the first day you came back, and I was secretly happy, thinking that you would break the silence and tell me some wonderful things, and you would not leave until you finished. However, that walk to Orscher, I saw how miserable it was, especially when we let go of our holding hands and fell hopelessly, I felt heartbroken.What hurts me most is not your hand letting go of mine, but the feeling that if you don't, my hand will let go too, now that it's uncomfortable in yours.

The next day, that is, what happened yesterday, I waited for you all morning, and I was going crazy.I was too restless to stay at home, so I left you a note telling you to meet me at the seawall.I gazed at the rough sea for a long time, but looking at the sea without you, my heart is miserable.As I was walking home, I suddenly imagined that you were waiting for me in my room.I knew that I was not free in the afternoon: Madeleine said she would come to see me the day before, and I thought I would see you in the morning, so I asked her to come in the afternoon.But perhaps, thanks to her presence, we had the only good time we had at this reunion.For a while, I had a strange hallucination that this light talk would go on for a long, long time... But when you leaned over the couch where Madeleine and I were sitting, and said "goodbye" to me, I When I failed to answer, I felt that everything was over: I suddenly realized that you were leaving.

No sooner had you and Madeleine gone than I felt that this was impossible and intolerable.You can't think of it, I'm going out again!I still want to talk to you, to tell you everything I haven't told you; I've already run to Plantier's... But it's getting late, I don't have time, so I dare not... I'm in despair , go home and write to you... say I don't want to write to you anymore... write a farewell letter... because in the end I feel deeply that all our correspondence is but a great phantom, each of us, well!Just writing to myself... Jerome!Jerome!oh!Let's part forever!

It is true that I tore up the letter, but now I will rewrite it for you, more or less the same.My friend, my love for you is undiminished!Not only has it not diminished, but when you are near, I feel flustered and embarrassed, so that I feel more clearly than ever how much I love you, but how desperate I am, you should know, because I must confess in my heart: You are farther away and I love you deeper.well!I have expected this situation!This meeting, so eagerly awaited, at last made it clear to me, and you, my friend, should believe it too.Farewell, my dearly beloved brother, may God bless you and guide you: there is no impunity but near God. As if the pain this letter had caused me wasn't enough, she added this postscript the next day: Before sending the letter, I have to make a request to you: you should be more cautious about matters related to you and me.You have hurt me more than once by telling Juliette Abel about our relationship.Because of this, before you realized it, I had already thought that your love is mostly rational, and it is a persistent expression of warmth and loyalty in reason. No doubt she added these last lines in fear that I would show Abel the letter.What did she see and became suspicious, and became so vigilant?Could it be that in my words and discourse, she has long seen the shadow of my friend's idea? ... In fact, since then, I have felt much more alienated from him!We had parted ways; I had learned to bear the burden of my tormenting melancholy alone, and Alyssa's exhortations were obviously superfluous.For three days in a row, I kept complaining; I wanted to write to Alyssa, but I also had a lot of worries, fearing that the argument would be too serious, the argument would be too fierce, and I was afraid that a wrong word would expose our scars and make it difficult to heal.I don't know how many times I have written this letter that my love is struggling.Picking it up and reading it again today brings tears to my eyes every time, soaking the copy of this letter I finally decided to send: Alyssa!Have pity on me, pity on us both! . . . Your letter makes me sad.For all your worries, I really hope to laugh them away!Yes, I have already felt what you wrote to me, but I just dare not admit it.What a terrible reality you take for pure fantasy, and try to thicken it between us! If you feel your love for me lessens... oh!This cruel idea has nothing to do with my mind, and it has been denied from beginning to end in your letter!So what does your momentary fear matter?Alyssa!As soon as I tried to reason, the sentences froze, and I could only hear my heart moaning in pain.I love you too much to be clever; the more I love you, the less I can talk to you. "Rational love", how should I answer it?My love for you comes from my whole soul, how can I separate my reason and emotion?Since our correspondence has been tainted by you, since it has lifted us high and thrown us down to earth, and since you now think that you write only for yourself, since I have no courage to see A similar letter, then please, let's suspend correspondence for the time being. In my letter, I went on to express my disapproval of her sentence, requesting a review, and imploring her to arrange another meeting.However, the meeting that just ended was not going well, the background conditions, supporting characters, and seasons were all unfavorable. Even our enthusiastic correspondence did not carefully prepare us psychologically.And this time, complete silence until we meet.I also hope that in the spring, the meeting will be arranged at Fengsmar Grange, where there is a past time to defend me, and my uncle is willing to receive me during the Easter holiday. As for staying longer or two days less, it depends on what she likes look.I made up my mind, and once the letter was sent out, I devoted myself to my studies. But before the end of the year I saw Alyssa again: only because Miss Ashbuton had been failing in recent months and died four days before Christmas.When I returned from my military service, I lived with her and basically never left, watching her die.Alyssa sent a postcard saying that she remembered my grief and our vow of silence: she had come by the first train and returned by the second, only to attend the funeral because her uncle could not come.The funeral was almost just the two of us, and we followed the coffin, walking side by side, without saying a few words along the way.But when we got to church, she sat next to me, and several times I felt that she was looking at me affectionately. "That's it," she said to me when we were parting. "We won't talk about anything until Easter." "Well, but at Easter..." "I'll wait for you." She went to the station, but she stopped a car with a wave, and left without saying goodbye.