Chapter 9 instinctive reaction to lying

Instinctive Response to Lying (1) He smiled: "The instinctive reaction of my wife to lie. After you told me everything, you started to shrink back...such a trivial matter. What do you hope this kind of thing will affect me?...This decent Lan Kun will do it for me Serving to the end. We can't live together again. We may go our separate ways. But now, as always, he's at my beck and call... 'This woman is in your way? Well, I'll take care of it.' 'Interesting Lankun!...he thought I was in the dark!...but he always did...he always thought he was the one who moved the world forward, that he was the one who commanded the machinery of state, because he was running behind, blowing Loudspeaker... You and Lan Kun, together, you are a perfect match!"

"He's much stronger than you!..." "Come on! . . . Don't take your minister's role too seriously too soon... You know him as well as I do . . . You know his incompetence, his ego, his lies. Between me and him At the moment, you choose him because he is the best deal at the moment. He has been knocked down and stepped on, and then he stood up again. Therefore, he is the most powerful... You will pass from me to take you away The life that has not been lived since that moment continues. This is an older Borose, maybe not as rich as Borose, but more reliable in a sense, you know how to do what you want Use him. Everything will be exactly as you wish..."

she asked in a low voice: "Are we divorced?" "Leave whenever you want." "What about the child?" "child?" He sighed imperceptibly, but he knew he didn't care about the child at all, or anything in the world, except Mary... "Of course the child is with you." Breathing more easily, she whispered: "It's better..." They stopped talking.But they lay together for a long time, unable to sleep, with their eyes open in the dark, holding their breath and holding back strange, cold tears. 8 Jean-Luc's extraordinary gift was that he could shape fate according to his will: now that the pieces had slipped from his hands, playing their own game, he had to use this sign of freedom.

He was sitting across from Lan Kun having lunch, listening to him, thinking to himself: "I'm leaving Eddie and him...Etty is the tangible failure of my life. I'm more ambitious now than I was when I was younger. I aspire to be as successful emotionally as I am materially. So , to get rid of Eddie while securing the fate of the child I can't care for. Eddie was a mistake, a solution that didn't work out. Other women will follow, another woman will come to me In my life... And, leaving Lan Kun at the same time... I got everything that Lan Kun could give me, interpersonal relationships, influence, knowledge of the political world and political figures. Now, I don't need him .Besides, he's my political enemy. He doesn't know it yet. But I, I feel it, I see it. I know too many things. I've seen him in distress...I've seen him cry Full face... These things can't be forgotten... Let Lan Kun marry Ai Di back home, let these two people marry under my own arrangement, this will be a noble ending of the conspiracy. And I, I am free .”

As he thought, he was still talking to Lan Kun, answering his questions, and listening to him: "My dear boy, I beg you to believe me, I already know the situation, and I will only say what I already know. Thanks to my efforts, a war has been avoided, and if it was fought, The consequences would be catastrophic for our Latin civilization, and could shake the foundations of the world, Italy...” The metallic timbre of Lanquin's voice struck Jean-Luc's eardrums like a beautiful but soulless poem, and he had been practicing deep, warm, Napoleonic inflections for some time.He did not underestimate Lan Kun's intelligence and talent, but through today's self-satisfied Lan Kun, he would always see the shadow of a man in nightgown and slippers, a man who was exhausted, anxious, and betrayed. Also in this same restaurant... So lonely... This honest Lan Kun, he is now friends all over the world!He picked up the receiver of the telephone, which was ringing every hour between the two cutlery, and said to Jean-Luc:

"Nothing, congratulations on my speech on the 12th. Unspeakable excitement. I've known it for a long time. While delivering that speech, I was told by a feeling I've had once or twice in my life, An inner voice seemed to say to me: 'Look out, my man. You'll no doubt be eloquent, compelling, and thoughtful, but you'll only reach that audience two or three times in your life. Heart.' Do you want to know the mystery of this power, Dagherner? . . . The mystery lies in absolute self-sacrifice, without any inner calculation. My child, this, this is a great power, It's male strength, it's leadership strength. Giving yourself and controlling others."

He stopped talking, sighed, and said with beautiful sadness: "However, these words will be forgotten tomorrow. Or, who knows, they will be misinterpreted and distorted to satisfy the appetite of greedy people. But, never mind! 'Do what you can.' That is my motto .” Someone comes over to pour coffee.He stood up: "You record it. I miss the time when you were my secretary. Do you want to fly yourself? Hmm, little one?" He walked over to him and twisted his ears."It's time for a showdown," thought Jean-Luc. "Listen," he said, "I must talk to you... about me..."

"About you?" Lan Kun asked. He didn't seem anxious or surprised, but he felt extremely bored in advance. Jean-Luc went on hastily: "Talking about me but also about you, if you like..." Hearing this, Lan Kun's eyes regained consciousness, but his face still showed the cat's concentration when it was peeping. "I hear you, my boy, but be brief. You know my life..." His shoulders made a weary movement, evoking the weight of duty and work that weighed on his shoulders. "Do you believe in my friendship for you?" asked Jean-Luc after a moment's silence.

"You helped me a lot when I was abandoned by everyone." The instinctive reaction to lying (2) Jean-Luc was a little excited.Lan Kun said with all his might: "Yes, I must say it! I've never done that. Life will take us. But, in a moment of triumph, it is very pleasant for me to admit that I appreciate the friendship you have given me. You trusted me. The confidence of a man like me who at certain moments in life, a lad, almost a child (actually you are a child, even today! How old are you?), brings My consolation equals the most effective help. No, I will never forget how you walked in here, our first lunch together, or what I said, and nothing, including that horrible years."

"That day," said Jean-Luc, "you told me about yourself, your deep personality, I remember it. You showed me the difference between a public figure and a common man. You taught me about ambition. It's not the most important thing in your life. Besides, there's a feeling..." "Which one?" Lan Kun asked impatiently. "love……" "Ah! my poor child, love has nothing to do with me! Love and happiness, I leave them to yourself, to the young!" "Etty loves you," said Jean-Luc softly. "What are you talking about? Are you crazy?"

"You love her too, Calicut." Lan Kun's face was pale.He didn't look away, but his eyes became brighter, making it unpredictable. "You don't think we..." he said at last, "you don't think I'm deceiving you, do you?... You know how I feel about you... I treat you as my own son, Jean-Luc, I have a deep feeling for both of you..." Jean-Luc ruthlessly stammered his plea, without words or expression: he had learned not only to control his voice, but also not to show any expression on his face.Lan Kun's embarrassment and worry made him feel an extreme pleasure. He finally replied: "Don't try to guess the overtones of my words. I don't suspect any despicable behavior and betrayal of you towards me..." "Thank you, thank you!" Lan Kun murmured. "But don't tell me I was wrong either. That's not like you. You love my wife." Lan Kun lowered his head. "My child, do you know the bitter words of a great English writer: 'The tragedy of old age is not that one grows old, but remains young.' Well! Yes, it is true! I I feel it again...why deny it? I feel love...I..." In the beginning, Jean-Luc thought, he was acting, and now a certain image he had created under his nose had become reality. "Perhaps, you don't know how to be the lover this young woman wants? I find that she is growing dissatisfied with you. I loved her at first because of my friendship with you. Now... poor child, I don't want to When a third person comes into your life. Let's part, Jean-Luc, she will forget me." "Ah! No," Jean-Luc laughed at Lan Kun and thought to himself, "You want to get rid of me while pretending to be a hero, killing two birds with one stone? There's no way to do that." He shook his head sadly. "It's too late, my friend, and Eddie and I are done talking. There's no more love between us. You're not so at fault as you think. Maybe, I don't know how to make her happy. But It's not too late now. If you love her, don't worry about it. She's free." "What about the child?" Lan Kun whispered. "Etty takes care of the kids." Lan Kun suddenly stepped in front of Jean-Luc, hugged him, and kissed him.Jean-Luc was very surprised to find that there was a real excitement on Lan Kun's face. "A family, Jean-Luc, a home! . . . It's all I've been wanting, honestly, and you see . . . you can't imagine how lonely I am! You never know, when I look at You two are so young, I thought how bitter and self-blaming I felt when you lived together so lovingly and lovingly..." His hand flicked.His eyes glistened with real tears. "It's a real dilemma, an uncomfortable dilemma. Gratitude and friendship on the one hand, and an emotional debt I owe to myself on the other. Can I say no to happiness when it comes to me? I live And not just for myself. Thousands of people will benefit from my sharp thinking, my activities, and the rejuvenation that happiness brings to me..." "He has an uncanny freshness about feelings," thought Jean-Luc. "These are people who don't understand the true meaning of death, love, or happiness until they experience it. Now, like a young man, Lanquin is in himself Feeling everything that generations of young people have felt for a long time.” "So, you agreed? I'll go through the necessary procedures right away. Divorce is very convenient..." "Yes. But I didn't do anything to apologize to you, is it true?" Lan Kun asked anxiously. "No, my brother..." "Then," said Lan Kun hesitantly, "are you still working with me?... That would be very subtle, impossible..." Both were silent. "Armand Resul is indeed interested in you. It is a great pity that our party has lost your talents. The general election is coming, and what do you need? Money. Because, everything else... you know Many important people, you are also used to talking with people on the sidelines, you are witty, and your speech is a little blunt and flat, but your judgment is already very mature, which I would like to pay tribute to you. Moreover, you work by my side Pass!" "It is true, my friend," said Jean-Luc, looking at him with as much scorn as much affection, "by your side I have learned how to look at a man with penetrating depth." Instinctive Response to Lying (3) That room full of memories in an out-of-the-way neighborhood attracted Jean-Luc more than Marie herself.In this way, there is finally a corner in the world where there is no need to fight to the death, no need to be constantly vigilant about the words of others, and no need to endlessly focus on a desire that is quickly consumed by the years... As he stepped into the dark corridor with a gas fire flickering at the end, a sense of tranquility spread through him.He walked into the room, the window was open.It was evening, late as usual.Spring has finally arrived, scorching and restless.The leaves and flowers on the trees grew at the same time, but they were quickly charred and fell all over the ground. Once upon a time, in this season, Jean-Luc starts out locked in a high school, then ends up in a barracks, then hits the Depression years, a young man too busy coping with his own miserable fate to see his surroundings The brilliance of youth. Only now did he finally allow himself to stop and rest. He found Mary always in the same place, sitting at a table covered with a worn red velvet tablecloth, reading by the light.Her cheeks were thin and her muscles were slender and shiny.He looked tirelessly at her dark, pastel-blonde hair and her delicate tired mouth, which was deeply sunken at the corners.However, he didn't feel at all that there was love going on.Love must be received in the heart before it can be given a name, a visible form.He thought to himself: "This woman doesn't make me hate..." He thought to himself: "She has an amazing figure. She'll end up sleeping with me..." He understands that she doesn't love him, but is attached to him, because he is the only one who visits her and cares about her.He himself was so miserable and lonely, and he could fully understand the feeling of being alone in a corner of a huge city.She had no family, no friends, and certainly not even a lover.She works hard all day long.How strange... Once, he longed for Eddie because she was so different from himself, because the rich, splendid, and happy life she led excited him, made him yearn for and be proud of.But, he thought, what interested him in Mary was his feeling of sympathy with her. She spoke very little, and never mentioned Dourdin.But she would ask him about his middle school days, his youth, so that although Dourdin's name was not spoken, she would be able to recapture the image of her lover, which Jean-Luc could not. She listened to him, sat a little distance away from him, and didn't look up at him.One night, when the weather was suffocating, and he was about to say goodbye, she took his hand and said softly: "Don't go..." He walked over to her.When he kissed her, she opened her eyes suddenly and looked at him with a frightened, unfamiliar expression, as if she had just woken up.She said: "This is not, this must not be love. Don't blame me from now on. Don't fall in love with me. Tonight, I am so lonely and desperate..." She committed herself to him, but did not part her lips to say a word, to kiss him. 10 Eddie left, and took the baby with her when she left.She is going to live in Cannes for a while, as in previous years.But by autumn, she would not be returning to Jean-Luc.At that time, a divorce may be announced.Lan Kun volunteered to settle everything.In some cases, Lanquin's protection makes it jaw-droppingly easy for Jean-Luc to live his dream.In their dreams, people cross the rapids like this, and cross the mountains, as leisurely as they are flying on the wind.As in a dream, this ease surprised and troubled Jean-Luc.From time to time, he was terrified and angrily aware of Lan Kun's power, a power coming towards him... But Lan Kun was afraid of him, he thought to himself, Lan Kun was cautious with him, because he himself was relatively cautious and had already Have enough experience not to leave any handles on anyone, and leave fewer handles to Lan Kun than anyone else.He knows Lan Kun too well. When Eddie left, he suggested that Eddie should take away the furniture and items she liked, without waiting for the judgment to divide the property.She said emphatically: "No, I don't want anything. I hate this house...I hate everything that reminds me of our marriage." He thought she would never forget the poverty she had experienced with him.Some women can forgive a man for his cruelty and betrayal, but she wants to leave all the suffering of material life to him.When the child was taken away, and the child whom he would rarely see again was receding away from him, Jean-Luc felt, perhaps for the first time, a heart-wrenching, anxious pity. The first and last flash of fatherly love.However, what he feels sad is not this kind of loneliness, because this is what he is eagerly looking forward to, but the shrinking of social relations.That woman and that child had turned him into the Dagherner he was now, firmly rooted in life, secure, and money. When he was alone, he felt like the little Jean-Luc he used to be, helpless, adrift, free, so free... He is waiting for general elections at the end of the year, when he may have the support of Armand Resul and his bloc.Now he could allow himself to think about nothing for weeks.Summer is here, and the parliament is on holiday, which makes him have some restless leisure time, but it is the most beautiful thing that people in this era have, and the thing closest to happiness. He was with Mary at night and with her at night.He has not yet given a credit to this love.He thought to himself: "This is a delightful mistress... This relationship will last until the autumn..." However, what he didn't understand in his heart, his body already knew it in advance. When he recognized her in the crowd, at the door of the cafe, or on the street, his body trembled. Sometimes when he went to an appointment, he would worry: why waste time with this woman?What can she bring him? ... While waiting for her, he thought about her face, and the night of waiting for the two of them, without any impatience or desire.As the door opened, he immediately thought: "Here she comes. Remember I have to go back early, I have work to do..." At the same time, his body trembled in disobedience with joy and love. She sat down beside him.He spoke to her as usual, relaxed, polite, and a bit cold, but he couldn't help but search for Mary's body temperature, caught her body fragrance, and was surrounded by the slender waist he was leaning against and his blackness. the breast caressed in the thick carriage.He waited to make love to her, and the moments after it and the peace that could only be found in her arms.He rocked this lithe and slender body with such a deep affection that he never felt for his sick wife or child, and now this strange mistress (for what did he know about her?), this woman But it finally caused him to have this kind of feeling... He had never had this kind of affection before, this kind of expression of inner feelings.How comfortable he felt in this shabby house . ".Now, it is another matter.However, she doesn't love him.Maybe she'll fall in love with him... He hugged her bare waist tenderly. "Why did you sleep with me?" he asked one day. At that time, they were lying in bed, in a room bathed in sunlight.It was six o'clock, a long day in July.The flowers he had brought her had withered and died in the scorching sun. "No reason..." she said like a child. "do you like me?" "You don't bore me," she said with a smile. He addressed her with "you" and she answered with "you".With him, she was obedient, almost like a slave, but she was so unreachable. "But, do you have any other lovers? Have you ever had other lovers?... You answer, you have to talk." "What does this have to do with you?" Instinctive Response to Lying (4) "Then why are you with me again? Why?" he asked in a low voice. She turned slowly towards him and said: "Well, let me tell you, I also have physical needs." She murmured. She often said cynical and rambling things, but Eddie revealed everything in silence, in a trembling and a wink.But the woman's words were deeper than her silence. He looked at her and shook his head slightly. "No, not just for that...it's not that simple..." Before he felt his love for her, he was inseparable, in an almost physical way, from everything that had to do with love between the two of them.Inseparable from the fruit she ate beside her, from the red press-foot quilt, from the sunlight on the blanket, from the mid-air cries from the neighboring school, where some There were moments that penetrated walls, through space and time, and he listened in half-asleep, filled with peace. In this way, he got used to happiness. 11 One day in September, Jean-Luc received a letter from Marie: "Can you come to the café on the Orsay platform at six o'clock, or in the hall inside the train station, Marie." For a while, he didn't see her as often as before, and sometimes he waited for her all night long.She hardly defended his accusations, otherwise she said she was at work and she was sick.He didn't want to suffer for her.He didn't allow himself to be jealous, to beg her, to shed tears for her. He had been waiting for her the night before, but it was in vain.In a large café, to the sound of a booming orchestra, he waited with his eyes fixed on the clock.The faces around him disappeared in the thick smoke.He could see nothing but the slowly, slowly moving hands of the clock.Ten past nine.a quarter past nine.At this time, it is not too late.she will come.Nine twenty.The door that keeps being pushed open, the flow of people that keep coming in, passing by and disappearing in front of him...every time a woman's shadow appears at the door, the terrible hope in his heart...he thinks of the time when he was How to wait for Eddie... But that... how different it is... Eddie, in his eyes, is not just a woman, but the satisfaction of vanity, a dream, created by his desire and self-esteem A half-fictional, half-real creation emerges.And now this woman... Nine twenty-five... The white clock dial hung directly opposite him in this way, as if he couldn't hide it anyway.The pointer has exceeded the number 5.Will she still come? ...Alas, no, never... At the beginning, it was bearable to think that the person I was waiting for died.Then, think about nothing.Painful, but still waiting. "She can't get away from work? Is she sick? No, she betrayed me!" Ah!Too bad, if only she could come, as long as she was there, as long as she could smell her!Just a moment of peace...a quarter to ten.ten o'clock.No one came.She's definitely not coming. "That's the best. She's gone, and I'll forget her." That night, when he walked into the station hall, his mood was relatively calm.He pushed open the door of the little café where he had to wait for her.He didn't see her.His heart was immediately filled with worry and an unknown fire.He walked across the platform, up and down under the glass canopy blackened by smoke and early dusk.He thought to himself: "What am I doing? I'm crazy! I can't look for her like this!" He returned to the café, searching desperately for her face.Just seeing her is enough, just looking at her is enough!Then, let her go, since she must go... Amidst the hiss of the porters, he looked for a figure, a voice, a loving face... But he couldn't find it... He left the hall , walked to the platform.His heart was pounding wildly with worry.The trains came and went, one after another, and then went away.He shivered from screams and strange moans that seemed to come from painful blows, but were really just whistles, shouts, and sirens.Suddenly, he saw her.She was carrying a small suitcase in her hand, wearing a black coat and the permanent beret on her head.She walked up to him and asked: "Why didn't you wait for me? I must go now. I wanted to say goodbye to you." "But where are you going? What happened?" She didn't answer.She took his hand and walked forward. he asked: "Are you going long? Answer me, Mary!" She finally said: "I have no idea." They stopped.They leaned against a stool, and the crowd passed in front of them.She said: "I will go to Dourdin. Dourdin is released, but he cannot live in Paris. He is forbidden to live in Paris. I will go with him. I will live with him." "Don't go!...Durdan and you..." "I love him……" The instinct of vanity was at work in him, and some people have such a vanity that they cannot get rid of it, either physically or in their bones. "First of all, don't admit it, don't let her see that I'm in love..." At the same time, he was horrified to find that some begging words, cowardly pleadings, had come to his lips.He resisted desperately, calmed himself with superhuman strength, and murmured: "I didn't know anything beforehand." "Yes, but I keep telling you I'm going to go someday. Forgive me... I'm a poor woman! You're happy, you, you have a family and a career, you'll forget me..." She pressed him tightly for a moment: "Forgive me...I was so lonely...you won't understand. But any woman will understand my situation. I was desperate...for a friend, for a warm embrace, for a fresh With a living body beside me, I could have given my soul... But, Serge, I love him... You have only ambition in you, you love only success. You don't understand..." "Mary, how do you live then?" She shrugged. "I have no idea." "Stay! Stay with me! My wife is gone. I will take care of you. I will marry you. You will be rich and happy." He wondered suddenly why he had never told her of Eddie's departure.They were really an odd couple, and yet it would break his heart to lose Mary. He hasn't thrown in the towel yet.He begs her, grabs her, promises her wealth and happiness.Some men are used to dominating others, even in the face of an irreparable thing, even death, he will not give up.The train moved on.She no longer looked at him, nor listened to him.She is no longer there.He kissed her cold hand desperately, and no matter what he said, she answered "no, no" in an extremely gentle voice.From time to time the shrill whistle of the train drowned out his voice. Instinctive Response to Lying (5) "The man you're going to now, you don't understand him. Prison, misfortune has turned him into a depraved, curmudgeon, a very different person from the lad you once loved! You're going to suffer...Mary... ...I beg you to listen to me...you are insanely crazy to do this...you don't love him. you just pity him..." "Let me go, I have to go," she said.She didn't listen to him, and tried to free his hand from his clutches. "Then what shall I do, what shall I do!" he cried, "Mary! . . . You look at me, at your rags, how pale you are! I will give you riches... I will give you... ..." "No." "I'll give you lots and lots of love," he said, and as he said those words, tears welled up in his eyes, tears of shame. She broke free and jumped onto the running board of the car.Suddenly, she leaned over to him and held out her hand: "Farewell...you go...you go!...don't feel sorry for me. I'm not worth your time..." The train is slowly leaving the station... 12 After Marie leaves, Jean-Luc desperately begins to maneuver politically.Operations are as essential to his career as the hunter is to the habits and cunning of his prey.But this maneuvering no longer brought him any happiness, not even the intense sense of pride he had so often experienced.He thought back to his youth.Granted, there is nothing more terrifying than a person with high ambitions who feels time stands still and is unable to dislodge others from the places they occupy.But there's nothing more poignant than trying so hard to achieve little happiness.There is only one possible consolation left: Tell yourself that happiness does not exist in this world.But he missed Mary, her body, her slow, sad smile with which she accepted his kisses, and then he felt that happiness was there, or at least a sense of peace, a The sweet, sweet rest of the soul, that was what he had lost too. He's still fighting desperately, he thought, surrendering to love isn't worth it for a man, but he can't fight this part of his being that craves tenderness that revives in him, Needs nourishment, but he feels horrified that this time he has fallen prey to it.Love...love...these words alone made him feel ashamed.His spirit, his personality, the hottest and strongest thing in him, he only wants to understand, he is only obsessed with the strong and powerful side of life, he is only obsessed with politics, success and planning, but he has only one desire in his heart: to With Mary by his side, what he wanted was not her love, but her, her voice, and her warmth.He knows that in the face of life, a strong and powerful attitude is the only most important thing, the only thing worthwhile, and everything else is despicable and shameful, but he is powerless... When you are young, love is easy Overcome, because there are too many longings in young people... But he is thirty years old, and he has reached the point where certain pleasures have lost their motivating effect but are not used to them.All the things he had liked, all of them, could not compare to Mary's presence in his opinion. September of this year was dry and hot.At night, he worked in that bare room, training his mind and his desires.He forbade himself to think of Mary.Sometimes, he can too.But before long, he suddenly pushed aside the manuscript material, bent over, with his head drooping on his arms, eyes closed, and the pain that had been strictly controlled for a while surged up like a wave and occupied his whole body, so Began to long desperately for Mary, longing for her to be around, longing for her warmth.Then the sharp pain subsided and the tide receded, leaving only a faint prick of sadness.At this moment, he could not continue to work... He got up, pushed away the chair, went out to the balcony, and went back to Eddie's bedroom and little Laurent's room.He opened the windows wide, trying to let in all the air he could breathe, but those nights, the weather was so sweltering and hot that the airflow gave no illusion of coolness, making it impossible to wipe the sweat off his body .He was barefoot, pacing back and forth between the four walls.All the doors were open, and a relentless gust of wind rattled the letters on the table, pressed down by a thick crystal paperweight.Mary... He went back to his room, flung himself on the bed, and hugged the pillow tightly in his arms, just like he did in the small room upstairs on Green Island because of Eddie... How he defeated his love back then Dee's love?He racked his brains trying to figure out what cold logic kept him from Eddie.At that time, he would only love the woman who accepted him and repaid her love a hundred times... But now he doesn't need Mary to give him love.He loves her even when she is unfaithful.Even if she still loves Dourdan, he still loves her.She was the victim of a violent force within him, a force he did not know, which terrified him, and which was stronger than he was.Feeling again the pain of the orphan, he thought: “真滑稽。我现在只为我这一生中缺少的东西感到痛苦。孤独，心冷，年轻的时候愉快地忍受的那一切，所有人们以为是磨炼意志、培养毅力的东西，所有这一切现在都一起向我袭来。这不只是玛丽的离去，不只是惟一的不幸……而是所有不幸的总和。握紧拳头，咬紧牙关，默默地，毫无怨言地，不允许叫苦连天地忍受所有不幸，而这些不幸，无论你做出多大的努力，都难以抹去……” 这些令人窒息的夜晚，让-卢克哭天抹泪并不只是因为他失去了玛丽，而是因为他活在这个世界上却没有温情，因为爱蒂背叛他，因为他没有了儿子，因为他感到冷，因为他觉得饿。他心想：“人的一生总是在战斗中度过，气喘吁吁，奋不顾身。人们自以为是胜利者，但所有的屈辱，所有的失败，所有的失望和苦难，所有这一切都蛰伏在你的身上，等待着时机，有朝一日卷土重来，让你窒息，就好像孩子的脆弱在成人的心中警戒着一样，准备把他击败，把他打垮。” 黑夜过去，白日来临。他重新开始工作，但他不能抑制内心深处的惶恐，对温情的渴望，以及对爱情的极度渴求。 13 从让-卢克开始寻找杜尔丹住在哪一座城市的那一天开始，他就知道自己完蛋了。他气愤地想： “可我何苦要喜欢那个女的？何苦呢？” 他可能会出发去寻找。他可能试图把玛丽从杜尔丹手里抢过来。她会同意的……她对他有一点点温情，似乎有点像是感激……谁知道呢？也许可能还有点爱情？ ……没有被她爱上，他是不甘心的。他的内心深处有一个可怜的希望。Poor?不，相反，它是那么强烈，那么顽强，那么不顾一切。虽然玛丽已经走了，虽然她已经说过那些话，他还是不能把这个希望驱走。 “她和杜尔丹在一起快四个月了。她和他在一起过着缺吃少穿的穷苦日子。谁知道呢？” 他还拒不承认地想： “也许，因为他，她会同意？……只有我一个人能够帮助他们……” 他总是左右着自己的命运，他从来就不甘心，在爱情上也一样，他努力地见机行事，利用她本人的软弱。他会接受杜尔丹的，但他需要这个女人，他需要满足这种失去理智的痴情。他利用自己在爱情上的能力，利用他已经在日常事务中使用过的技巧：狡猾，耐心和对人心的洞悉及对人性的洞察。在人生的某些时刻，心灵中只有感情的惟一的位置。雄心壮志、贪得无厌和已经习惯了的征服，到目前为止他所拥有的一切，统统融化在这种感情之中。一得到杜尔丹的地址，他随即就出发了。 杜尔丹住在卢瓦尔地区的一座小城里。让-卢克是夜里到的。他走出火车站的时候，租了一辆由一匹老马拉着的马车，马车穿过一条条黑漆漆的沉睡的街道和一座灯光很暗的桥。一座小山冈上亮着一些微弱的灯光。他听见活动遮板关上的声音，门背后上锁链的声音和街上的马蹄声。然后他们离开了河堤，在一个阴暗的小咖啡馆前停了下来。 让-卢克走了进去，楼下的大厅里空无一人，地上铺了一层木屑，走在上面没有脚步声。桌子已经沿着墙壁摆好了，椅子叠着堆放在一个角落里。然而，在隔壁的那个房间里，有一盏灯亮着。几个男子还在那里玩牌。还不到九点钟。让-卢克问他们杜尔丹在哪里。 他们给他指了指二楼的一扇门。楼梯很窄，镶入两面墙壁之中。让-卢克在黑暗中摸索着，慢慢地走上去。他敲门，听出了杜尔丹的声音，然后进去了。 撒谎的本能反应（6） 房间里除了一张桃花心木做的特别大的床和两张草椅之外，没有别的。玛丽躺在那张床上。杜尔丹在写东西，腿上放着一张吸墨水纸。他发出了一声忍住了的惊叫： "It's you?" 杜尔丹几乎没有什么变化，但他的脸色更加苍白，而且显得病怏怏的。让-卢克向他伸出手。杜尔丹犹豫着要不要去握它，最后冷冷地问： "Do you remember me?" He added: “我知道玛丽去求过你……” 让-卢克没能启开嘴唇。杜尔丹推了一张椅子给他： “原谅我们，这里太小了……” 他自己则坐到床上，坐在玛丽的旁边，玛丽面色苍白，默默不语。 “你干吗要生我的气？”让-卢克终于问道，“你知道，那个时候，我帮不了你。我既没有钱，又没有势力。现在情况可能不一样了……” “是的，只是，现在，太晚了……但我一点也不恨你，老……一点也不，”他用嘲笑的、尖厉的声音说道，“那你，你好吗？你幸福吗？你妻子好吗？” “干吗要说我呢？” “那干吗又要说我呢？……你还关心我也真是太好了！你以为我已经是个没有用的废物，不能独自安排自己的生活吗？在监狱里生活和在别处生活是一样的。现在过的是出狱后的生活。当我不再被监禁在这里的时候……” 让-卢克看见玛丽那哀求的眼神，使他话到嘴边又收了回去。他知道杜尔丹可能会拒绝来自他的任何帮助。可是玛丽可能很高兴见到他，希望他帮助他们……他心想： “就这样把她控制住……” 杜尔丹知道什么吗？他可能从玛丽的嘴里听到什么吗？……不会，玛丽在发抖，他看见了。她害怕一句话泄露了他们之间的私情。好了，他把她牢牢地控制住了。 他感到更平静了。He said: “你至少可以答应我，在万不得已的情况下会来找我帮忙吧？” “那当然，老兄，那当然……” 他俩都不说话了。让-卢克走到那扇小窗户边，看了一眼空寂的大街和门前的一盏路灯： “你们在这里住了多久了？……” “从我出狱之后就一直住在这里，”杜尔丹用几近歇斯底里的奇怪而又尖厉的声音说道，但他的脸上却没有表情。 Jean-Luc thought to himself: “他快要死了，他爬不起来了。她一定明白这一点。她会回到我身边的……” “我从玛丽那里听说你是卡里克特-兰昆的至交，你是下一届议员。你来看我，就不怕受到连累吗？” “你知道不会。”让-卢克轻轻地说。 他等了片刻后，补充说道： “你听着，假如觉得见到我很难受，就跟我说实话。我会理解的……” “什么？”杜尔丹突然喊道，“你能理解什么？你以为我羡慕你，是不是？你以为我不可能不带仇恨地看着你那张幸福的面孔和那身漂亮的衣服吗？可是，你知道你本人看上去也不是很幸福，我的让-卢克朋友？……你既不是很平静，也不是很快活。也许，你也缺了什么东西，或者什么人？嗯？可哪能啊，你能缺什么呢？你听好了，我们曾经是那么好的朋友，我至少要对你坦诚相待。是的，我看到你很难受！我不怀疑你来这里是出于特别的好意，但我求你了，别管我！我跟你发誓我什么都不需要。我每个月从我的叔叔那里领到几百法郎，你知道的，那个破产的叔叔……是的，我不知道他是怎么弄的，但他能够给我寄这些钱。眼下，我不需要别的东西。能够活下去我就觉得很幸福。好了，现在你什么都知道了。你安心回巴黎吧。过你那荣华富贵的生活。我希望你当上议员、部长、共和国总统，希望你心想事成，得到所有让你喜欢的东西！现在，你走吧，我的老兄！走吧……” 就在让-卢克准备下楼时，杜尔丹转身对玛丽说： “跟他一起下去。给他带路。” 她从杜尔丹的手中接过那盏点亮了的油灯，对让-卢克说： “您跟我来！” 他俩从咖啡馆的大厅里穿过。她把油灯放在一张桌子上，和让-卢克一起走了出去。It is raining.马车在街道的角落里等着。他抓起她的手，用断断续续的声音说道： “来！跟我走！” 她摇了摇头，没有回答。 Jean-Luc asked: “他知道了，是不是？” “我什么也没说过，但他起疑心了，猜到了，我觉得……我好担心您那边采取什么措施，写一封信什么的……我跟他说过我认识你……” 她怎么都没法把手从他的手中挣脱开，雨打在他们的脸上。他倒是更平静了，信心十足。她受他的支配。他重新找回了力量。 “假如我能成功地让你离开这里，让杜尔丹获得大赦，你会更幸福一些吗？” She doesn't answer.他们的头顶上，杜尔丹把窗户打开了，他用尖厉的声音叫道： "Mary!" 她抬起头，打了个手势。窗户重新关上了。她绝望地说道： “那样做也许能救我们，可是您从中能得到什么好处？……我永远也不会离开他，您还没有明白……” “找一个借口到巴黎来。我把什么都安排好，我什么都能弄到。只要能再见到你，把你留在我身边，”他边说边想起了把脸埋在玛丽的臂弯里，把整个世界都忘记的那些漫漫长夜，“只要这个……这种内心深处的安宁，只有你能给我的安宁……我不会嫉妒的，他也什么都不知道……你只要能来，能来……你听着，我对你发誓，只要你一来到巴黎，你就会在我家里拿到杜尔丹的特赦令，得到他完全的自由，我向你发誓。我将为这件事东奔西走。我什么都会做，我向你发誓……” 她轻轻地摇了摇头： “啊！每当需要讨价还价，施诡计，您的兴致就来了……您现在走吧，走吧！”她急切地说道。 她登上台阶，推开门。他看见她穿过大厅，拿起那盏灯，然后不见了。He also left. 撒谎的本能反应（7） 两个月过去了，让-卢克等待着。就好像从前，当他押宝兰昆，把希望寄托在兰昆身上时的等待一样，心里只要一个愿望，那就是功成名就，出人头地。他已经采取了一切必要的措施，以获得杜尔丹的特赦，只剩下最后一些手续了，玛丽一来，那些程序很容易就能办好。因为他可不会做任何无用功……他需要玛丽来到他的身边：把她买下来。他接纳杜尔丹，但他会采取威胁的手段，或者用金钱把他打发走。对他来说，无情的意志，粗暴，狡猾，都没有失去，但他会把他们投入到爱情之中。这时，他的事业出现了时有发生的那种停滞不前的状况，而之前，刚开始的时候，所有的一切却是那么一帆风顺，无往不胜。他不得不放弃某些职位，因为在这些职位上他太公开地照应着兰昆的个人事务。他想这样最好不过了……对于正拉开的选举运动，他最好暂时把与金钱相关的事情搁到一边，让人忘记他是阿贝尔· 撒拉的女婿。这事情也真是奇怪，以前几乎没有人知道，现在却突然在一些不怀好意的文章中，在周围人的谈话和含沙射影中出现。他低估了爱蒂对性格柔顺的兰昆的影响：现在既然她就要成为他的妻子了，自然就取代了让-卢克从前在他身边所占据的位置。兰昆是透过她的眼睛来看别人的。她成功地让他明白让-卢克是他的对手，他的天敌。这种敌意，让-卢克只是预感到而已，他还没有尝到恶果。他在阿尔芒· 雷苏尔家里再次见到兰昆，兰昆已经变得冷若冰霜，心不在焉，一副“大老板”的派头，像天神之父朱庇特下到死人中间蒙上一层谨慎和沉默的面纱一样。 看着他俩在一起，看着他俩势不两立的样子，阿尔芒· 雷苏尔好像找到了一些微妙的快乐。时不时地，他把目光从让-卢克身上移到兰昆身上，就好像他在评判他们，对他们进行估价一样。让-卢克平生第一次感觉到了一种极度的倦怠。他为之牺牲了一切的、打理得如此井然有序的事业，现在对他来说却显得那么无聊和暗淡，就像一条危险重重、充满艰难险阻的漫漫长路，却只通往一个确定无疑的结局，那就是死亡。权力和成功，那只是孩子的幻想。再也不存在成千上万的小国王在里面分享遗产的王国了。他离开了这些人，他太了解他们的情趣、反应、手势和话语，然后回到自己那套空荡荡的房间，想着玛丽，等待着她。 他肯定她会来的。只要有耐心和时间。而实际上，他发现她来到他家，就像四年前她来求他帮助杜尔丹一样……见到她时，他并没有感觉到幸福，而是有一种极度的兴奋感觉。He said softly: “一个星期之后，杜尔丹就可以回到这里了……我会帮他找一份工作。你别担心。什么也别想。我会帮助你。我爱你……” 他抓住她的手，抚摸着她的脸和头发： “你！……你终于来了！……” 他紧紧地抱着她，发现她的身子由于发烧而颤抖得厉害。她那苍白的脸已经走了样，冷冰冰的手指把他吓坏了。 “玛丽……你病了吗？” “是的，”她说道，“就因为这个，他……塞尔日终于答应您的帮助……我们没有钱，我们什么也没有。在那个小城里，所有的人都知道他是从监狱里放出来的，所以他找不到工作。他必须离开那里，必须走。”她说道。她的手指以一种他没见过的方式扭动着。 “我会给你钱的。”他说道。 她推开他，摇摇头说： “不，不要……永远也不会要！……我要过您一分钱吗？我不想要您的钱。您给他找份工作……救救他！而我，我什么也不要！什么也不要。” 她急促地疯狂地说着这些话。他帮她在沙发上躺下来，低声说道： “你在发抖……你发冷……别动……休息……” 她紧紧地靠着他，他身上的欲望没有了。以前他从未显露过的那种疯狂的，无论是他的妻子、孩子还是世界上的任何人都没有在他身上唤起的深情，现在却以一种可怕的力量把他控制住了……平生第一次，他不希望任何东西来替代他的痛苦。他坐在玛丽的旁边，她则把他冰冷的双臂紧紧地抱在胸前。 “等等。盖上这个，”他一边说，一边把一床暖暖的毯子盖在她身上，“试着睡一下吧……” 她突然睁开眼睛： “我好想爱你，”她用微弱的声音说道，“可是，你对我的这种缺乏理智的疯狂，也正是我对他的感情，没有别的。跟你无法忘记我、离不开我一样，没有他我可能都活不下去。” 他卑躬屈膝地哀求道： “玛丽，我只想再见到你。你不会拒绝我吧？我不会奢望从你那里得到任何东西，我也不会强求，可是，当你俩都在这里的时候，请允许我去看你。跟我发誓，今天夜里，假如你想走的话，我让你走……” 她勉强一笑： “我会是一个很悲惨的情妇……” “答应我，玛丽！没有你我活不下去！”他张开哆嗦着的嘴唇，痛苦地说道。 她怜悯地看着他： “我觉得，我给你带来了厄运……以前你是很幸福的……” “不，”他的话里带着一股使他吃惊的力量和真诚，“我从来就没幸福过……我从来就没去找过幸福，可能也正是因为这个吧，幸福也从来没有光顾过我。我需要你，玛丽。杜尔丹与我相比真是幸福。可你都不会怜悯我……” 她闭上眼睛，挛缩的嘴巴颤抖着。他不说话了，把她紧紧地抱在怀里，贴在自己的胸前，然后她睡着了，靠在他的怀里，梦着另外一个人。 15 玛丽还在睡，让-卢克几个星期没见到的弟弟约瑟跑来敲他家的门。让-卢克没有睡觉，他一整夜都守候在玛丽身边。他给约瑟开了门，一时间仿佛没有认出他来。 约瑟吃惊地看着他，说： “我请你原谅……我打搅你了……我……” 让-卢克慢慢地把手放到他的前额上。 “你？”他说道，“不，你没打搅我……进来吧。” 他压低声音，以免吵醒睡在隔壁房间里的玛丽。约瑟误会了，问道： “你妻子还在巴黎吗？……我原以为……” 让-卢克把他带到爱蒂的空荡荡的小客厅。约瑟看着彩色的墙壁，叹气道： “这里多漂亮啊……” 他接过哥哥给他送来的咖啡。Jean-Luc asked: “那你不在里奥姆吗？”