Chapter 10 must leave paris lonely

Must leave Paris lonely (1) "I'm not going to Liome," said Joseph suddenly, "I want to live in Paris. Oh! I don't ask you for anything in coming here, but, anyway, you're my only family... I want to know, Can I turn to you in case of need? Wait, I reiterate that this is not asking for your funding and immediate rescue. I can handle it for the time being, I do odd jobs, I found a position as an assistant photographer, at In a newspaper office. I can manage to live. But in the future, if all else fails, I want to know, to be sure whether I must leave Paris lonely..."

"Why do you want to do this? You already have a job and a stable means of earning a living... If I were at your age, I would be very satisfied..." "No." Joseph said softly. "Do you think so? Maybe...but, what is it about your current job that makes you feel so great?" Jean-Luc said in a weary voice. "First of all, I am free to live my own life as much as I can, without begging anyone, and not letting anyone have the right to interfere in my own life in the future." "I understand," said Jean-Luc. But he half listened, and all his thoughts were concentrated on Mary.Is she still sleeping?Is she feeling better?Well rested, or aggravated? ... He looked at Joseph standing in front of the window, his sharp-edged face shining with wisdom, his pair of stern eyes... This cold and ruthless gaze shocked him for the first time, these clear and bright eyes Eyes look only for their own reflections in the world.he asked:

"What about your mother?" Joseph frowned: "She's gone, she..." "From what I know of her, I'm surprised that you got her consent so easily..." "I didn't try too hard...she couldn't stop me from living the life I wanted to live. She couldn't do anything for me except set me free. That's the bare minimum...it's what our parents gave us Don't you believe it?" he asked suddenly, raising his head and throwing back his hair in a swift, impatient, almost childlike way. Jean-Luc pressed his fingers to his lips. "Hush! Don't be so loud...you'll wake up..."

"Your wife? I'm sorry..." He lowered his voice again, and said timidly: "I'm going, Jean-Luc." But he didn't go away, he looked at his brother curiously and anxiously, and finally moved Jean-Luc. Jean-Luc asked more softly: "I thought you came here to ask me some lessons learned or something... isn't it?" "No. But I'm just a kid. And you, you've struggled with it for years. You started like me. We're the same generation, after all. We were born too late, and some On time." "The 'unlucky guest at the feast of life', there was no more petit fours left, and the bartender locked up the cocktail shakers," says Jean-Luc.

Joseph smiled, his smile itself seemed suspicious, his lips parted just a little, and then the smile disappeared. "Mother told me I had no right to sacrifice her like that, that she had nothing else in the world and that it was my duty to think of her first. But that's not true, is it, Jean-Luc?  … We only have A life, such a precious yet so short life..." "Don't worry," thought Jean-Luc, "life, contrary to what people think, is short at your age. On the contrary, life is long when you lose that sense of pretension. That It feels so little that people go around and go back quickly: successes, failures, brief moments of happiness..."

But he didn't say those words.It suddenly occurred to him that he should have told his father exactly what he had said, an old man, not this child.In front of this child, he felt ashamed that he had become old-fashioned and tender. He changed his tone and asked: "But what can your current job actually bring you? This new life of yours must be very difficult and sad, right?" "I can meet a lot of people," said Joseph excitedly. "You laugh, you! This is naturally like you. You forget... You know what happened to that house in Vishna? And, At your time..."

"Oh! I hardly understand..." "Of course, I always say you're amazingly lucky... But I... my mother, Clotina, and high school. Nothing else. There's a world around me, but it's strange, but Unattainable, you understand? Now I can see the world and touch it," he said, holding out his hands as if he could really feel the world trembling under his fingers . "This...is really indescribable..." "Exciting, yes, but futile." "How to say?" "To know how people act, it takes wisdom. To know how to act, one needs experience."

"I try to be disciplined every day," Joseph whispered. "I feel like I know myself well..." "I don't doubt it," said Jean-Luc with imperceptible sarcasm. What can you say to Joseph? ... It was only at this time that he began to vaguely see what was truth for him, and it occupied his whole body and mind.He doesn't want to share it with others.He thought to himself: "If I tell him, I, brother, you adore my calmness, my ruthlessness, my achievements, my fulfilled ambitions, when in fact I am the prey of the most despicable and shameful loves ...not love, but myself, all that I never had, all that I rejected, all that I felt shameful and actually was shameful... that's the scariest thing. I know very well that I It's a despicable cowardice, a mean feeling, but it's stronger than I am, and I can't beat it. Joseph can't understand anything. Didn't my father tell me the same thing before? But I I didn't understand... This kind of thing can't be understood by instinct or reason alone, but it needs to be eaten when the stomach is full, the mood is calm, and the heart has higher requirements... Ah! How bad... The consolation is that those steps Those who follow you are as foolish as you are, as vulnerable, as unfortunate..."

Must leave Paris lonely (2) He moved as if he heard Mary's voice, calling him.All he wanted was to get Joseph away and be alone (just for a while, my God...) with Mary.He picked up the wallet that had been left on the table, pulled out a five-hundred-franc note, thrust it into Joseph's hand, and stood up.Joseph understood and took the money.That's what Jean-Luc thought he had come for.He pushed him gently to the door. "Forgive me...someone is calling me...you can come back anytime you want..." Joseph finally left.Jean-Luc hurried over to Marie. 16 "Serge doesn't want to live in Paris. We're leaving France. Sorry."

In the carriage passing through the small town, Jean-Luc kept repeating the same words, written on the note he had received yesterday.Mary was gone, and he would never see her again.Serge knew, guessed what was going on between him and Marie, and took her away... Thanks to Jean-Luc's help, thanks to his mad love, they are now free.He thought excitedly: "I was cheated, I acted like a child. I was in pain. I should resign myself to my fate and never see her again, but I couldn't, I couldn't be reconciled..." He went back to Dourdan again, begged him, threatened him, bribed him, and got this woman from him.He thought desperately:

"But she can't even talk about beauty?...Why?" He bent down and called to the coachman: "Faster! Faster!" The driver whipped his whip, but, almost at the same moment, the horse slowed down again.They crossed the river and the avenue, and everything was so peaceful.It was a March day, a sunny day.He did not recognize the layout of the houses and streets.He didn't even know if he could find Dourdan and Marie in this small town, maybe they had already left.where are they?He was looking for Mary like a madman, he had to touch her, hear her voice.He is so looking forward to her, so longing...but now! ... If he couldn't touch her hair, or touch her breasts, he would die ... What a shame to be tortured like this!He would kill Dourdan, if his death would bring Marie back to him.But it would be better to give him money. "It's impossible for him to refuse!...Even if he secretly plans to come back and take Mary away...but he doesn't love Mary as much as I love her...without her, he still can't live for five years...but I... " He thought to himself: "But where can I get the money?" Because everything around him seemed to collapse at the same time.Is this because of the hostility displayed by Lan Kun, or has he reached a point in his life when everything around him is scattered, shaken and crumbled at the same time? ... definitely a harbinger of death ... one by one he lost his jobs and his money.There was only one hope left of him, a seat in the next parliamentary term, but even that was too much for him, and he had neither the time nor the energy to sort out the tedious business and try to do it well.He was contemptuous of all those people.They ganged up and fought together, and he was alone, he was always alone.He started life without the support of family, friends and a team.This Lan Kun was artificially touted and imagined by others.He felt that leaving Lan Kun was a wrong move.But what can he do?There was Eddie between them.what!All the chess pieces turned around and chased after him.But all this is of little importance, all this... as long as Mary... he repeated her name in despair: "Mary..." He was sick of everything in the world but Mary! ...he was tired of this life that kept slipping through his fingers, this life that had to be endlessly organized and reorganized, shaped and reshaped... It was only with Mary that he could rest, rest, find that wonderful sense of freedom that he had known so many years ago, before he was a youth, before he was an adult... but , In fact, has he really experienced it?He seemed to be like this all the time, always tense, laborious, suspicious, depressed.Only when he is with her, he is willing to become the most humble person, willing to give more than what he gets in return, and only when he is in her arms, can he experience peace, that kind of wonderful sleep, in this Desire rested in this deep sleep, and that painful self-esteem fell asleep. The carriage stopped.He got out of the carriage and wandered the street for a long time without daring to knock on the door.The cafe is empty, just like it was when he first came.At last he went in, across the hall, on the woodchip floor.He went into an office next door, and a woman told him that M. and Mrs. Dourdan were not at home, but they might be back any minute.he asked: "Aren't they gone yet? Are they not going?" He wanted the woman to say those comforting, hopeful words. "No...they're still here..." She added: "I think they're leaving at the end of the month..." "Where are you going?" "Ah! I don't know. I think they're leaving France. I know they're embarking at Bordeaux on the twelfth. But I don't know where they're going." She looked at Jean-Luc curiously, probably surprised that this well-dressed gentleman could be interested in a wandering couple.She turned suddenly to him and asked: "Monsieur is M. Dourdin's brother, isn't he?" "No." Jean-Luc replied in surprise. The woman said apologetically: "Sorry, I thought...you look alike..." Jean-Luc remembers that as a child, people really thought he looked a lot like Serge Dourdin.How he had liked him then! ... But now, Dourdan was only the most terrible and merciless obstacle to him. "But he's happier than I am," he thought deflatedly. He is sitting in a corner of the cafe.Night fell quickly.In the lonely hall there was only the sound of a clock, which had been moving all day, but was drowned out by other sounds, by voices and the clatter of glass.Now it was fighting back, and the hall was full of its voice, its hoarse sigh, its creak, its wobble.Jean-Luc listened to the bells, and at certain moments in life, even when threatened with death, one gives one's full attention to small, insignificant things.He listened to the bell and thought painfully: "As if it would chime the Great Bell of Westminster." Must leave Paris lonely (3) No, it just made a few whining dings and then went back to the dull, horrible pendulum sound of time passing.The shutters were closed, and he opened one. There was no one on the street, and it was deserted.He continued to wait. Finally, he finally saw them.They walked together arm in arm.They walked slowly, unhurriedly, and brimming with happiness.He couldn't see the expressions on their faces, but he knew they were happy.She was still wearing the old, narrow coat, which he was all too familiar with.He stood up, heart pounding.Slowly, the door opened.They walked in. Dourdan was the first to see him.They stood there for a while without speaking.Dourdin looked calmer and happier than the last time we met... Yes, for lack of a better word, Jean-Luc thought, he was happy... This poor man, this man convicted by the common law people are very happy... He was very angry.But he still said in a pleading tone: "Excuse me. Before you go, I have to talk to you, this is very serious..." "Okay," said Dourdan, "go upstairs. It's going to be full in no time. There's a political meeting every night, and an election campaign is being prepared. You know this better than I do..." Jean-Luc was silent.He wasn't really listening.He stared at Mary.They climbed slowly the stairs that led to Dourdan's room. 17 Jean-Luc was going upstairs, as in some dream, so narrow that only one person can walk. The spiral staircase seemed to go on and on, never ending.The lamp Dourdan carried illuminated a gray painted balsa wood railing and a pornographic painting on the wall. They enter the room.Jean-Luc saw again the great bed with the red duvet, the burning fireplace, and the mansard window.Yes, he was not mistaken, and despite its shabby appearance, the room was warm and welcoming to the two he entered with him. Mary breathed a sigh of relief as she sat down by the fire, a breath of comfort and ease.They are poor, they have no relatives, but they live together.They are leaving.They are very young.Their lives start over.Without saying a word, Dourdin paced up and down the room, arranging papers, without looking at Jean-Luc. Jean-Luc finally spoke, trying to keep his tone as calm as possible: "Are you leaving?" "Yes," said Dourtin, "Marie wrote to you?" "You already know?" He didn't answer. "Where are you guys going?" "To South America. The name of that place won't interest you." "You got a job there?" "Yes." Durdan said lightly. "Marie won't come with you," whispered Jean-Luc. Dourdin looked up suddenly, he did not seem to see Jean-Luc.He went to see Mary's face.They did not speak a word, but the glance Jean-Luc caught was trusting and calm.Maybe she's already said it all. "Did you know that she was my mistress?" Jean-Luc was still asking. He forced himself to speak in a calm and unchanging tone, but his hands were shaking and he couldn't control the twitch of his lips.Dourdin and Marie remained motionless and silent, as if waiting there. "She shouldn't have gone. You've made her such a... such a miserable life. You're so poor, Serge. You've got nothing. But I...she knows she'll be happy with me. She is happy with me, Serge." Marie moved to speak, but Serge stopped her with a slight shake of her head. "She is very happy with me, I swear! How can you bear the burden of a woman in the life you are about to lead? Think about it! It is impossible and terrible. Serge, you Listen, I'll get some money," he said desperately, "and I'll give you all you want. Just, you go! . . . leave her . . . You don't have to answer me right away. You think it through!... You're... finished... You've got nothing left. Without money, your life is doomed. You go there with hope, but you'll be forced to live in poverty, A life of disgrace. And when you are alone, with the money I give you, you may be saved! You have been separated. You have lived together! Think it over, Serge. Remember, You don't accept it now, but half a year later, you will regret it because you rejected me..." He took Mary's hand: "Come, I beg you! Come. He'll be happier, trust me. Come... I can't live without you!" There was a growing uproar in the hall below.Suddenly, Dourdin opened the door and jerked Jean-Luc outside.The narrow staircase had no landings, and Jean-Luc was pushed onto the top flight.Dourdan struggled to say a word through clenched teeth: "roll!" "Serge, I will not give her up. You don't understand. You don't understand me! I never force anything, but this woman . . . I need her." How clumsy and feeble were the words that came from his lips! … You cannot defend yourself with words, but with teeth and fists.He involuntarily raised his fist in Dourdan's face. "I beat..." Durdan suddenly took a step back.It occurred to Jean-Luc afterwards that the former prisoner, accustomed to violence, was frightened by this menacing gesture of his, and that Dourtin would never forgive him for this vile outrage, The face that had been calm and dignified until then suddenly twisted with anger.He screamed: "Help!...Help!..." Downstairs I heard the movement of chairs.A door opens.A few people emerged, looking in amazement at the dark staircase. "Help! He wants to kill me! He wants to beat me! This man is Dagerner, Jean-Luc Dagerner, hope of the party of Resurre, future member of parliament, he came here to think Put money on my mouth and tell me not to tell what I know about him! . . . He's Sarah's son-in-law, you know? . . . That bankrupt Sarah! . . . Depositor's money!..." Jean-Luc grabs Dourdin by the shoulder.The two rolled down the stairs together.The crowd pulled them away.Amid the terrible uproar, Dourdin could still be heard shouting: "Dagerna!...you remember his name!...Dagerna!..." With chafed hands and soiled clothes, Jean-Luc eventually made his way outside. Must leave Paris lonely (4) 18 As the election date looms, the entire country is full of journalists, waiting for a scandal to happen.The scandal was picked up in a local tabloid the day after the attack.A newspaper in Paris reprinted it, and people discovered Sarah's name in the life history of Jean-Luc. It had long been known that he had married Sarah's daughter, but in Paris everything is quickly forgotten, so the name conjured little memory.But the newspapers against Resoul seized on the incident and made a big fuss about it, publishing a photograph of Jean-Luc at his wedding.It wasn't strictly a scandal about the Dourdan affair, but the evasive rumours, and Lanquin almost suffered as much as Jean-Luc, since his political opponents were eager to use this little incident to discredit him.It's just that Lan Kun is often attacked and loses popularity, so for him, this is a trivial matter.A speech, a little sincerity, a few promises, could turn things around again for him. But it was different for Dagelna: Resur made no secret of the difficulties he was about to face.With his husky peasant accent, his way of speaking, his small, piercing eyes that never looked opposite, he received Jean-Luc with tenderness, almost with love and sympathy. "This matter is really troublesome, my brother... This matter is created out of nothing, I agree with you, but it is true that these things are hard to argue with... Rumors are terrifying! ...to find out what's behind it... In Sarah's day, it probably wouldn't have done you so much damage, because back then, there were clear and complete accusations. But now , let me tell you again, what can I do?...The only thing I can do is keep silent, be a man with my tail between my legs, and let the storm pass...For the benefit of the party, for your own benefit..." Jean-Luc listened with utter boredom.He thought to himself: "This kind of thing won't make me happy anymore... Hey, this is the worst. This is what will kill me... The fun and meaning of life has been lost. I know the rules of the game too much... very early Knowing the ins and outs of it... I could still win, I could still be excited, but I'm not interested in it anymore, it's not going to give me any fun..." He left Resur.He fully understood that if he ran for the election, he would lose for sure.Jean-Luc sent him a letter that Resurre had been waiting for: "After careful consideration...for the benefit of the party..." Resur asked Kutu to write back to him, and Kutu took his place, and his name appeared in front of all the bulletin boards. "Your choice is wise. You are so young...you can wait..." In the election, Qutu was elected as well as Lan Kun.That night, Jean-Luc heard the news on the radio.That night, alone, he listened to the tweeters spit out the names of the candidates in a twangy nasal voice to the crowd.Every now and then the announcer ceased to speak, and a muffled, almost horrific sound, a stormy shout, a staccato song, rose from the crowds in the streets and alleys of the distant provinces.Jean-Luc listened with all his heart.How he longed to feel that disappointment of unfulfilled ambitions, that hatred and thirst for power...that would save him...but he felt nothing... only love was in his blood, Such a humble love, like a poison... 19 On the 12th, Jean-Luc went to Bordeaux.He had hoped for nothing, expected nothing, but the thought of going there once devastated him.It was a sunny day when he arrived in Bordeaux.The almost treeless city of stone, sun, and water, received and reflected the rays of the setting sun, sending them through a white, dazzling dust, like marble dust. A few days before Marie left for Bordeaux, he wrote her a letter to try his luck, risking the letter being seen by Dourdin.He begs her to come to his hotel before the liner sails.She will come, he thought... Maybe because of this fatal and desperate love, which she also experienced with Dourdin, she understands Jean-Luc's need for her better than the other woman, and to meet her side longing.Because now he doesn't ask for anything, neither her love, her sympathy, nor her body, as long as he can see her again. The hotel where he stayed was built on the edge of the theater square.As he entered the brightly lit room, he felt a sense of relief.The sun was setting now, and the sun was shining on the square, on the huge stone pillars, and on the steps of the theater.On the opposite side of the hotel, a glass window shone brightly. Jean-Luc sits between two windows at right angles.From where he sat he could see the street.He would recognize Mary instantly from all the women who passed there.He waits.He came here for no other purpose.He waited for nightfall.He waited for the sound of Mary's footsteps at the door, for her face, her voice.She would come, and then... He no longer harbored any hope of keeping her, he knew she was going.He would wait... until the night passed, until the sun came out, until the place on the pillow where she had slept became cold.When he spent a lot of energy imagining all this, he made a wish for himself: just once, just for an hour... She will definitely agree... He is waiting, around him, in him, life Stopped, every now and then, looking at the narrow, white sunlit bed, and discovering that hiding in this hotel, hiding among the indifferent crowd, lurking among the crowd, at last found a way he had been eluding It's warm and feels good. The dusk seemed to rise from the earth, to the half-height of the house, while at the same time there was a great deal of light reflected from the roof and some of the window panes.It's dinner time.The square soon emptied.One could hear doors closing and shutters being drawn against windows.Jean-Luc closed his eyes half-closed, thinking of the small town where he had last seen Marie... He was trembling.The last time... No, no, impossible... But it was past seven o'clock, and the ship was leaving tomorrow morning, someone had told him.she will come. He bent forward and looked with all his soul at the empty square and all the streets in sight, one of which she must have passed. Some pigeons swooped down on the steps of the theater.It's too late.The side street opposite him was getting darker.He could see nothing now, except for the colonnade and the paving stones, and the passers-by were indistinct.In a matter of minutes, the cafe will spit out a group of unseen figures onto the square.He closed his eyes and listened to the sound of footsteps inside the hotel, the sound of doors opening and closing, the sound of calling and then stopping.But it wasn't her, it was never her... He began to estimate his own chances again, and he became dull and delirium.First of all, the letter. Has that letter reached her? ...Did Dourdin withhold that letter? ... The chances seemed very slim, yet, he knew she would come.He threw himself on the bed, holding the cold pillow tightly with both hands, and pressed it tightly to his mouth.He waited frantically, hoping. He knew that this time, neither his passion nor his courage could help him, but this desperate tenacity was his last weapon, his only weapon.He no longer thinks, he no longer suffers.It's just that there is a sense of oppression in his heart, a feeling of physical suffocation so strong and so pure that he can sometimes get rid of it.It seemed to him that his breath would no longer pass through his choked throat.Another moment of anxiety, another moment of anticipation—it was her, it was her footsteps, he recognized it, he sat up on the bed, his teeth bit his lip, but the footsteps went away. How many times had he imagined the hurried, hesitant, slowing footsteps in front of his room door, the gently turning doorknob and his own voice: "Is that you? Mary, are you here at last?" So much so that when everything came true as he wished, he didn't feel any surprise, and almost didn't feel happiness... Now he must keep her, hold her tightly in his arms, use all his strength, and never Let go again. She walked in.She sat down on the edge of the bed beside him.He didn't turn on the light.What he needs is not her face, nor her eyes, but everything about her that he can get, her smooth skin, her body temperature and her slightly trembling fingers. "Mary! Mary! You're here at last! I knew you'd come. I've been waiting for you. I've been waiting for you a long time, you know?" Must leave Paris lonely (5) She let him kiss.She felt this love, this mad infatuation of Jean-Luc, always sweet, so similar to her love for Dourdin.Only sometimes she showed her cruelty, the almost savage cruelty that women show to men they don't love, whom they don't fancy, but at this moment she pitied him.She whispered: "Why, why me, and not another woman? Why, my poor boy, why?" He grabbed her breasts with his fingers, kneaded them, and murmured without looking at her: "Once, just once, for the last time..." "No……" "Mary...it was once already, looking back...for being tired, for being worried, for feeling the warmth of a living being next to you...but now it's my turn...I'm so alone, if you knew... ..." "No, no, like this, there is no love for you, no desire for you, the one who loves is another person, and leaving you to find another person, what happiness can this bring you?" He said in angry and distressed tones: "This is not happiness! It's just a temporary oblivion, only you can give me..." She didn't answer.As he kissed her, he found tears streaming from her eyes. "Do you have pity on me, Mary," he asked softly. She murmured: "Poor you... pity you..." Then, she let him ask for the last time. 20 Jean-Luc waited until the end of the night, until the moment when the ship sailed away, as he had promised himself, until the last minute, and then gave himself a little time... (Dourdan may die, war Outburst, what else could prevent them from leaving?...) He waited until the imprint on the pillow where they had crossed their necks was gone, and then he too went back to Paris; then, he thought, he would Fallen life readjusts to normalcy. Three weeks later, on an already hot night in early summer, Jose, who wanted a thousand francs and a dinner, called Jean-Luc and was invited to his brother's house.He knew that his brother did not participate in the general election, but he guessed that there were many conspiracies and tricks in it.He found Jean-Luc tired, with a much older face and darker eyes, but his voice was as calm as ever, with a hint of sarcasm more bitter and weary than ever before.With half of his clothes off, he was sitting on the balcony with a book in his hand.For the first time in his life, Joseph saw that Jean-Luc's face was so similar to that of their father.Like Laurent Dagherner, he looked cautious.Joseph thought to himself: "What a blow to him his failure ... I, nothing can discourage me." With Jean-Luc, Joseph never showed the mistrust or indifference that the young people showed toward their big brother.He came to him with trust, and talking to him was like talking to an equal, but Jean-Luc was surprised to feel that he had the same troubles with his brother... Before, after learning to understand Lan Kun's gang He used to think, after the men and Raisul's gang, that a lad of twenty was wiser and more knowledgeable than those who knew the business and were worn out by the years, because they were overwhelmed by their success. Dizzy, in the end only see myself clearly.Now, this boy of twenty, sitting across from him, spoke to him in a tone of respect and sarcasm--a tone he knew well, epitomized in his own youth--but he didn't like this Joseph, who lacked What a thing: quick-wittedness, quick grasp of reality, and that tenderness that the most indifferent men gain from lost years.This Joseph, how cruel and ruthless he was, indifferent to things that had nothing to do with him! ... He was sitting on a little ottoman at Jean-Luc's feet, with his hands clasped about his knees, his matted hair hanging down his handsome forehead.Jean-Luc, who had not been listening to him for some time, asked him suddenly: "You also called a woman while you were calling me. Who is that woman? Excuse me, the phone rang again just after you hung up, but I may still be connected to you at that time, so I I heard...you have a mistress?" Joseph shrugged. "That's a well-behaved girl," Joseph hesitated about how to put it, "but it doesn't prevent her from sleeping with me after the second meeting, but you know what a woman is...she's older than me Big, already twenty years old." “那你呢，已经？” “十八岁了。” 他沉默了半晌后，声音更低地说道： “我蛮喜欢她的，但时间不会太长久。我发现她……要的东西特别多……当然不是结婚，而是别的东西，爱情……我……瞧，我宁可告诉你我也一样，我……她很有魅力……但一个人生活太艰辛了。” 他突然补充说道： “你知道迪斯累里1老的时候说了句什么话吗？他说人很难控制。说得多正确啊……” 让-卢克摇了摇头。 必须落寞地离开巴黎（6） “别信他……相反，那是很容易的事情……只要把自己的愿望和自己的梦想跟人们提出来就行了。而极度难以控制的，是一个人自己，是他自己的心。” 他说最后这些话的时候，声音更低，仿佛他为说这些话感到羞耻一样。 然后，他就缄口不言。约瑟还在滔滔不绝地说着，可现在他的哥哥甚至都不装模作样地听他说话了。他突然站起来，走进客厅里。客厅里空空荡荡的，什么也没有。他开始从一面墙走到另一面墙，根本没在意正一脸吃惊地看着他的约瑟。他已经忘记了约瑟，这是显而易见的。他走到窗户边，掀起一块窗帘，站在那里，背对着大厅。约瑟只能看见他把手放在窗帘的褶子上，用急剧而不连贯的动作把它揉皱。 约瑟站了起来，走到哥哥身边，让-卢克的面孔像平常一样冷峻、封闭，无动于衷。约瑟的呼吸更顺畅了一些，他心想： “如果他能把钱给我，我就马上走……我使他心烦了……” 然而，他没有张嘴。让-卢克这时朝他转过身来，显得很迟疑地问： “你跟我去喝一杯吗？” “如果你想……” “那好！走吧，我马上就来……” 约瑟朝门口走去，但让-卢克一直都没有动，而是一直凝望着窗户里那个被昏暗摇曳的灯光照亮的四方形的天空。约瑟叫了他好几遍，但他好像没听见。最后，他喃喃道： “等我一下……我去穿衣服……” 他重复说了一遍： “就在这里等我……” 他从约瑟前面走过，走进自己的卧室并关上了门。几乎就在同时，约瑟听见一声枪响，是一种很轻很脆的咔哒声。约瑟一开始并没弄明白是怎么回事，他朝那间卧室冲过去，猛地用肩膀顶开那扇门，但房门并没有关，倒是这个撞门的动作使他松了一口气。 让-卢克倒在地上，但还活着，还有气息。不知所措的约瑟把他抱在怀里，突然，他感觉到哥哥把他紧紧地抓住了，用惊人的力气把他死死地抱住，抱得那么紧，就像是久别重逢的老朋友一样。他想逃走，大喊救命，但临死前的让-卢克用冷冰冰的双手，用已经一动不动的整个身体的重量死死地抓住他。只有他的眼睛还活着，一些话语堵在已经翕动不了的嘴唇上。那嘴唇使尽全力想动一下，但发不出任何声音，勉强能听见一丝呻吟，奇怪的呻吟。然而，最后的那一刻，他似乎恢复了神志。也许他认出了约瑟？他可能以为向他俯下身子的是另外那个人的面孔？他的头转到一边，脸贴在手上，阖上了眼帘，死得那么安详，以至于约瑟连他最后咽气的声音都没听见。