Chapter 6 26-30

26 Katie finds her work at the Abbey refreshing.Every morning as soon as the sun rose, she rushed to the monastery in a hurry. She didn't return to their house from the monastery until the setting sun sprinkled a layer of gold on the small river and the crowded sampans on the river. Katie had a strange idea that she felt like she was growing.The endless work occupied her mind, and in the communication with others, she came into contact with new life and new ideas, which inspired her thinking.Her energy is back and she feels healthier and stronger than ever.Now she can do anything but cry.To her amazement and bewilderment, she found herself laughing often.She is used to staying in the center of this plague-ravaged area. Although she knows that people around her are dying at any time, she can already stop herself from thinking about it.The abbot forbade her to go into the infirmary, but the closed door aroused her curiosity all the more.She would have liked to run over and peek inside, but that would be sure to be discovered.The abbot did not know how to punish her.It would be too bad if she was driven away, she was so absorbed in looking after the children now, and they would miss her if she was gone.She wondered what they would do without her.

It occurred to her one day that she had neither thought nor dreamed of Charles Townsend for a week.With her heart beating wildly, she succeeded.Now that she could think about him calmly and indifferently, she no longer loved him.Ugh, it's such a relief feeling!Think how absurdly she had craved his love in the past.She almost died when he abandoned her.She sadly thinks that her life can only be accompanied by suffering from now on, but now she is not smiling?His worthless thing.She simply thought of herself as a fool.Now think about it calmly, what did she see in him then?Luckily, Waddington didn't know about it, otherwise she couldn't stand his vicious eyes and insinuating mouth.She was free, free at last, free!She couldn't help but scream loudly.

But a day or two later something unexpected happened to Katie. She arrived at the monastery early in the morning as usual, and started the first job of the day: taking care of the children washing and dressing.Because the nuns insisted that the night wind was extremely harmful to people, the doors and windows of the children's dormitory were closed all night, so the air was filthy.Katie had just finished enjoying the fresh morning air, and as soon as she walked in, she had to cover her mouth and nose and open the windows as quickly as possible.That day, she had just walked under the window when she felt a sudden nausea in her chest, and she felt dizzy.She leaned against the window, trying to wake herself up. She had never experienced such a strong feeling.After a while, another feeling of nausea hit her, and she couldn't help but vomited out with a wow.The children were frightened by her screams, and the older girl who helped her ran over. Seeing that Katie was pale and trembling, she paused for a moment, then turned around and shouted outside.It's cholera!This idea flashed through Katie's mind, and the shadow of death suddenly overwhelmed her.She was terrified, and the terrible feeling of the night flowed through her whole body along the veins.She struggled for a while.She felt that her nerves were about to collapse, and then she fainted.

She opened her eyes, momentarily unable to recognize where she was.She seemed to be lying on the floor, her neck moved and she felt a pillow under her head.She couldn't remember anything.The abbot knelt beside her, holding a piece of smelling salt in his hand and shaking it around her nostril.Sister St. Joseph stood watching her.She gave a start, and the thought came back, cholera!She noticed the frightened look on the faces of the nuns, and the figure of Sister St. Joseph who seemed larger than usual, and the outline of her body was indistinct.Fear struck again. She felt her heart beating wildly in her chest.Dealing with cholera all day long, she had grown accustomed to thinking that it would never spread to her.Oh, what a fool she is.She was sure she was going to die, and she was terrified of fear.The girls brought a rattan bench and put it under the window.

She was pregnant, however, and Katie was taken aback and shuddered from head to toe. Katie reclined back in the chair.Something in her heart was as cold as death. 27 Walter was looking directly into her face as he had never been before.But judging from his expression, the professional diagnosis is more concerned than the husband.She hesitated for a moment, then forced herself to look into those eyes. "I'm pregnant," she said. She has become accustomed to his silence when she should have heard an exclamation after making a speech, but she will not be affected much by it.He didn't say a word, he didn't move, the muscles in his face seemed to freeze, and there was no new look in his black eyes to indicate that he had heard anything.She suddenly felt the desire to cry.If a man loves his wife, and his wife loves him, they should hug each other with joy when they hear the news.The silence was unbearable, and she spoke.

"Am I the father of the child?" She took a sharp breath.There was something frightening in his voice, he was so cold and calm that he never showed even a little emotion easily, he was like a monster.For some reason, she remembered an instrument she had seen in Hong Kong. People told her that although the needle on the instrument vibrated slightly, an earthquake might have occurred a thousand miles away, and a thousand people would die in the earthquake. .She looked at him, and his face was as pale as she had seen it once or twice before.He looked at the floor and turned sideways.

"Ok?" She clenched her hands.She knew that if she said yes, it would mean a new world for him.He would believe her, no doubt he would, because he wanted to.Then he'll let go of the past and forgive her.She knew that although he was shy, there was endless tenderness hidden in his heart, ready to pour out to others at any time.He was never one to hold grudges, and he would forgive her.As long as she gives him an excuse, an excuse that touches his heartstrings, he will forget about the past right and wrong.He will never ask the teacher to question the crime, and bring up the old matter again, and she can rest assured about it.He may be cruel, indifferent, even a little pathological, but he is neither mean nor petty.If she said yes, it would turn things around from now on.

And she desperately needs to earn sympathy.When she heard the unexpected news, strange longings and nameless desires arose in her heart.She felt so weak and frightened that she was so far away from all her friends and she was alone and helpless.Despite her lack of affection for her mother, she suddenly longed this morning for her to be around.She desperately needed help and comfort.She didn't love Walter, and she knew she wouldn't love him in this life, but at this moment she really wished he could hold her in his arms, so that she could cry happily on his chest for a while.She wished he would kiss her and she would wrap her arms around his neck.

She started crying.She has told so many lies, and now she is not afraid to tell another one.If a lie will lead to good things, why not do it?Lies, lies, what are lies?Saying "yes" will be a breeze.She had almost seen Walter's ecstatic eyes and his open arms towards her.But she can't.For some reason, she just couldn't.Everything she had been through these wretched weeks—Charlie and his vileness, the cholera and the dying people, the Mammy, even that funny little drunk Waddington—seemed to remain in her heart. What, she has changed, and she can't even recognize herself.Though deeply moved by the prospect, she felt in her soul that a crowd of onlookers seemed to be watching her with terrified curiosity.She had no choice but to tell the truth.Lying didn't seem worthwhile to her.Her thoughts wandered wildly, and suddenly, the scene of the dead beggar lying under the wall appeared in front of her eyes.Why does she think of him?She didn't sob, the tears flowed from her big eyes like a burst bank.Finally, she answered.He had asked her if he was the father of the child.

"I don't know," she said. He giggled, laughing eerily like a ghost.Katie couldn't help shaking. She was surprised to see how thin he was, and she hadn't noticed it for the past few weeks.His temples were sunken deeply, and the bones of his face protruded visibly.The clothes on his body were empty, as if he was wearing someone else's oversized clothes.His face was tanned, but pale, even greenish.The whole person looked exhausted.He worked so hard that he almost forgot to eat or sleep.She was busy mourning and thinking wildly, but she couldn't help feeling sorry for him.There was nothing she could do to help, it was cruel.

He covered his forehead with his hands, as if he had a headache, and she felt that voice echoed in his mind: I don't know, I don't know.Katie couldn't understand how this moody, indifferent and shy man would become tender when he saw a child.Most men don't even care about their own children, but the nuns mentioned Walter's love for children more than once, and they were even moved by him and took it as a joke.This is true for those cute Chinese babies, but what would happen to him if it was his own child?Katie bit her lip, trying not to cry again. 28 She was awakened by a loud knock on the door.At first she thought it was a dream, not realizing that the knock on the door was real.But the knocking continued, and gradually she came to her senses and decided that someone was knocking at the door of the house.It was pitch black outside, she took out her watch, and by the luminous light on the pointer, she saw that the time was half past two in the morning.It must have been Walter who came back--he came back so late, when the boy was fast asleep.The knocking on the door continued, getting louder and louder, and it sounded creepy in the silence of the night.At last the knocking stopped, and she heard the heavy bolt being pulled back.Walter had never been home so late, poor fellow, he must be exhausted.Hopefully he'll go straight to bed today instead of going to the lab like he usually does. Katie heard several people talking, and then a group of people rushed in.This is strange. In the past, if Walter came back late, he was afraid of disturbing her, so he tried his best not to make any noise.Kitty heard two or three people running quickly up the wooden steps into the room next to hers.Katie became frightened. She had always been apprehensive about the xenophobic riots of the common people.Could something be wrong?Her heart beat faster.But before she could confirm the possibility of a riot, someone came out of the house and knocked on her door. "Mrs. Finn." She recognized Waddington's voice. "Hmm. What's the matter?" "Can you get up now? I have something to tell you." She stood up, put on a dressing gown, then unleashed the lock and opened the door.Waddington stood at the door. He was wearing a pair of Chinese-style trousers and a cocoon gown on his upper body.The boy servant stood behind him, holding a lantern in his hand.Behind them are three Chinese soldiers in khaki uniforms.Seeing the panicked expression on Waddington's face, she was startled.His hair was a mess, as if he had just gotten out of bed. "What happened?" she gasped. "You must remain calm. Now there is no delay, get dressed and follow me." "What's the matter? Has something happened in town?" She suddenly realized that there must be a riot in the city, and those soldiers were sent to protect her. "Your husband is ill. We want you to see him at once." "Walter?" she called. "Don't panic. I don't know what's going on. Commander Yu sent this officer to look for me and ask me to take you to the yamen immediately." Katie stared at him for a moment, feeling a sudden chill in her heart, and then turned away. "I'll be ready in two minutes." "I was before I woke up," he said, "and here I am. I just put on a coat and found a pair of shoes and got on." Katie couldn't hear what he was saying.With the help of starlight, she puts on whatever she picks up.Her hands suddenly became extremely clumsy, and she couldn't button the button even after using it for a long time.She picked up a Cantonese shawl that she often wears at night and wrapped it around her shoulders. "I can't find the hat. I don't need it, do I?" "No need to." The boy servant walked in front with a lamp, and several people hurried down the steps and walked out of the gate. "Be careful not to fall," said Waddington. "You'd better take my arm." Several soldiers followed closely behind them. "Leader Yu sent a sedan chair over and waited for us on the other side of the river." They went down the mountain quickly.Katie's lips trembled so badly that she couldn't open her mouth to ask a question.She dreaded hearing the terrible news.When the river bank was reached, a small boat was parked on the bank, with a lamp hanging on the bow. "Is it cholera?" she asked at last. "I'm afraid so." They walked along a bare wall for a while, and suddenly they came to a gate, with a sentry box on each side of the gate.The bearer put the sedan chair down steadily.Waddington hurried to find Katie, who had already jumped off the sedan chair.The officer slammed on the door and shouted a few times.A side door opened and they entered.Inside was a square mansion. A group of soldiers were wrapped in blankets, lying close to the wall and under the eaves, close to each other.They stopped, and the officer went to speak to a soldier who seemed to be on guard, then turned his head and said something to Waddington. "He's still alive," murmured Waddington. "Watch the road underfoot." A few lantern bearers led the way, and they followed behind through the courtyard, up a few steps, through another tall gate, and into another large courtyard.On one side of the courtyard was a long hall, lit with lamps.The dim light shines through the rice paper on the window, making the ornately carved panes more eye-catching.The lantern-bearer led them as far as this hall, and the officer knocked on the door of the hall.The door opened instantly, and the officer glanced back at Katie, then stepped aside. "Go in," Waddington said. It was a long and low room, and the dim lights made the room look dim and gloomy, shrouded in an ominous atmosphere.Three or four soldiers were scattered in the house.There was a low bed against the wall directly opposite the door, a blanket was covered on the bed, and a person was curled up under the blanket.An officer stood motionless on the edge of the low bed. Katie hurried over and climbed onto the bed.Walter's eyes were closed tightly, his face was a dead gray under the light, and there was no sound from his whole body, his appearance was terrifying. "Walter, Walter," she gasped in a low voice, her voice full of terror. Walter's body moved slightly, or in Katie's vision.This movement was so weak, like a silent breeze, unconsciously caressing lines on the calm water. "Walter, Walter, talk to me." Walter's eyes opened slowly, as if with great effort the heavy eyelids were lifted.He didn't look at Katie, just stared at the wall inches from his face.He spoke, his voice was very weak, but it seemed that he was smiling. "It's a nice fish tank," he said. Katie listened, holding her breath, but he didn't make another sound, didn't move, his indifferent black eyes fixed on the whitewashed walls (did he see something mysterious?).Katie stood up and looked haggardly at the man standing by the bed. "There must be something else to do. You can't just stand there helpless!" She clasped her hands together.Waddington said a few words to the officer standing by the bed. "I'm afraid they have already done everything they can. The military doctor is in charge of treating your husband. Your husband taught him how to treat him. He has done everything your husband can do." "Is that man a military doctor?" "No, he is Captain Yu. He never left your husband." Katie glanced at Captain Yu distractedly.He was a tall, hulking man in an ill-fitting khaki uniform, and his eyes were on Walter.She was startled to find tears in his eyes.Why is this man with a yellow face and flat forehead crying?She was enraged. "It's cruel to do nothing and watch him die." "At least he doesn't feel the pain now," Waddington said. She crawled up to her husband again.Those terrifying eyes still stared blankly ahead.She didn't know if he could still see, or if he could hear what she said.She brought her lips to his ear. "Walter, what else can we do?" She felt that there must be some medicine that could be used for him to preserve his fading life.Now that her eyes had grown accustomed to the dim light, she was horrified to see his face so shriveled that she could hardly recognize him.In just a few hours, he has become a completely different person, which is incredible.He's not human at all now, he's almost death itself. She felt as if he was about to say something, so she put her ear to his mouth. "Don't make a fuss. I just had a rough walk. I'm all right now." She waited for him to continue, but his mouth closed and his body became still again.The pain tore at her heart, he couldn't just lie there, she felt as if he was already posing for the grave.Someone came up, who seemed to be a military doctor or orderly, and gestured for her to get out of the way.He crawled next to the dying man and glued his lips with a dirty wet towel.Katie stood up and looked at Waddington in despair. "Is there no hope at all?" she said softly. He shook his head. "How long will he live?" "Nobody can tell. Maybe an hour." She looked around the empty room, her eyes flicked over the burly figure of Captain Yu. "Can I be alone with him for a while?" she asked. "Just a minute." "Of course, if you wish." Waddington walked towards Commander Yu and spoke a few words with him.The captain nodded, and then gave the order in a low voice. "We'll be waiting on the steps," said Waddington as they all retreated. "You can call us then." Katie's consciousness was still in frenzy, and she couldn't believe what she was seeing, as if it was just a hallucination caused by the drugs flowing through her veins.Then she realized that Walter was going to die, and she had only one thought, which was to eliminate the pent-up resentment in his heart and let him die in peace.If he forgave her, then he forgave himself, and he could rest in peace.She didn't think of herself at all. "Walter, I beg your forgiveness." She squatted down and said, she was afraid that he would not be able to bear any strength now, so she didn't touch him with her hand. "I'm sorry for what I did to you. I regret it now." He didn't make a sound, as if he didn't hear Katie at all.She had to keep crying to him.She had a strange feeling that at this very moment his soul had become a fluttering moth, its wings heavy with resentment. "Baby." There was a slight movement in his dull, dry face, almost imperceptibly, but still it gave her a spasm of terror.She had never called him that before.Maybe it was his deranged consciousness that was dying, mistakenly thinking that she had called him that once, mistakenly thinking that it was just one of her spoken words, puppy, child, car, she called it that.Then something terrible happened.She clasped her hands together, trying to control her nerves as she saw two tears streaming down his parched cheeks. "Well, my love, my dear, if you ever loved me--I know you loved me, and I was too much to be hated--I beg you to forgive me. I have no chance of expressing my remorse I am. Have pity on me. I beg your pardon." She stopped, staring at him with bated breath, eagerly anticipating his answer.When she saw that he was about to speak, her heart skipped a beat.It would be an atonement for the pain she had caused him if he could be freed from his resentment at this last moment.His lips moved, and he didn't look at her, his eyes still fixed blankly on the whitewashed wall.She moved closer to him, trying to hear what he said.He spoke very clearly. "It was the dog that died." She froze as a rock.She didn't understand what he meant.She looked at him in panic, her mind was in turmoil.His words were meaningless, murmuring.It seemed he couldn't understand what she was saying at all. He was no longer moving, almost as dead.She stared at him intently.His eyes were still open, but he didn't know if he was breathing.She was frightened. "Walter," she whispered, "Walter." Finally, she stood up abruptly, and fear overwhelmed her suddenly.She turned and walked towards the door. "Can you come over? He seems to have..." They broke in.The Chinese military doctor walked to the bedside.He held a flashlight in his hand, and he turned it on, shining it into Walter's eyes, and closing his open eyes.He spoke Chinese.Then Waddington put his arms around Katie. "I'm afraid he's dead." Katie sighed deeply, and a few tears fell from her eyes.She didn't seem stunned, but rather puzzled.Several Chinese people stood by the bed helplessly, as if they didn't know what to do next.Waddington was silent.After a minute, several Chinese people began to discuss in low voices. "You'd better allow me to take you back to your lodgings," said Waddington. "They'll take him there." Katie stroked her forehead weakly with her hand, then walked towards the low bed, bent down, and kissed Walter lightly on the lips.Now she doesn't cry. "Sorry to bother you so much." The officers saluted her as she went out, and she bowed solemnly to them.Everyone went out from the courtyard where they came from, went outside the gate, and got into sedan chairs.She saw Waddington light a cigarette.A few wisps of smoke circled twice in the air, and then disappeared.It's like human life. 29 They buried him three hours later.He was buried in a Chinese coffin, and Katie was amazed that he would not rest comfortably in such a strange bed, but there was nothing she could do about it.The well-informed nuns, having learned of Walter's death, dutifully sent a wreath of dahlias.The wreath seemed to have been made by a skilled gardener, but it looked ridiculous and awkward as it lay dryly on the Chinese coffin.After everything was ready, everyone began to wait for the arrival of head Yu.He had sent word to Waddington that he must attend the funeral.Eventually he came with an adjutant.The funeral procession started up the hill.The coffin was carried by six slaves to a cemetery where Walter's former missionary doctor was buried.Waddington found an English prayer book among the missionary's relics, and he read the funeral speech from the book in a low voice, with embarrassment rarely seen in his voice.Perhaps, while reciting these solemn and terrible sentences, a thought had been running through his mind: if he were the next victim of this plague, no prayers would be said on his grave.The coffin was slowly lowered into the grave, and the gravediggers began to fill the coffin with earth. Commander Yu took off his hat and stood by the side of the grave. After the burial, he put on his hat, gave a solemn military salute to Kitty, said a word or two to Waddington, and left accompanied by his adjutant. went.After visiting a Christian funeral curiously, a few convicts walked back slowly, dragging their yokes in twos and threes.Katie and Waddington waited for the grave to be piled, and then placed the delicate wreaths from the nuns on the mound, which smelled of fresh earth.She never cried, but when the first shovel of earth was placed on the coffin, her heart convulsed violently. She saw Waddington waiting for her to go back. "Are you in a hurry?" she asked. "I don't want to go back to my place yet." "I have nothing to do. I am willing to obey your orders." 30 They wandered along the causeway to the top of the hill, where stood the arch dedicated to some chaste widow.The arch took up a large part of Katie's impression of the place.It was a symbol, but she couldn't figure out what it symbolized.Nor did she know why it seemed ironic to her. "Shall we sit down for a while? We haven't been here for a long, long time." The vast plain spread out before her eyes, still and peaceful in the morning light. "I've only been here a few weeks ago, but it seems like a lifetime ago." He didn't answer, and she let her thoughts wander wildly, and then she sighed. "Do you think the soul is immortal?" she asked. He didn't seem surprised by the question. "How would I know?" "Just now, when they baptized Walter before embalming, I looked at him. He looked very young. He died too young. Do you remember that beggar you saw when you took me out for a walk the first time? I didn't I was terrified not because I saw a dead man, but because when I looked at him, I thought he was nothing like a man, just a dead animal. Now, when I look at Walter, he is like a machine stopped. That's the scary part. If he's just a machine, what is all this pain and heartbreak and suffering?" He didn't answer, his eyes looked around at the scenery under his feet.The vast wilderness spreads in the cheerful and bright morning light, and it is refreshing to look at at a glance.The rice fields are neatly spread out on the field, and you can't see the end.In the rice fields, there are figures of peasants dressed in common clothes, and they are working hard with sickles in their hands. It is really a peaceful and warm scene.Katie broke the silence. "I can't tell you how much I was moved by what I saw in the convent. They were wonderful, the nuns, and I was worthless by comparison. They gave up everything, their home, their country, their love, children, freedom, and many other things that seem inseparable to me now, flowers, green fields, autumn walks, books and music, and comfort. Everything They gave up, everything. And what did they throw in? Sacrifice, poverty, obedience, hard work, prayer. For all of them the world was a veritable exile. Life was A cross they are willing to bear, in their hearts they always hope—no, it is much stronger than hope, it is yearning, anticipation, and longing for the final death that will lead them to eternity." Katie clenched her hands and looked at him in agony. "Uh?" "What if there is no eternal life at all? If death is the end of all things, what does that mean? It means they gave up everything for nothing. They were lied to. They were fools fooled." Waddington thought for a moment. "I doubt it. I wonder if their ideals are not so important. Their life has become a beautiful thing in itself. I have a feeling that the only thing that can free us from our loathing for this world, It is the beautiful things that people continue to create even though the world is chaotic. The paintings that people trace, the music they compose, the books they compile, and people's lives. The most abundant beauty is the beautiful lives of people. That is perfect art masterpiece." Katie sighed.His words seemed esoteric.She still needs more hints. "Have you ever been to a symphony?" he continued. "Yes," she said with a smile, "I don't know anything about music, but I love listening to it." "Each member of the orchestra is in charge of an instrument. Do you think that when a piece of music is gradually unfolding, the players of the instruments will always pay attention to the overall effect of the orchestra? They only care about the part they play, but they deeply Knowing that the whole piece is beautiful, even if no one is paying attention to it, it's still beautiful. So they can play their part without worrying." "You mentioned 'Tao' that day." Katie said after a short pause, "Tell me what 'Tao' is." Waddington glanced at her, hesitated for a moment, then smiled slightly on his funny face.He said: "The Tao is the way, and the person who walks the way. The Tao is an eternal road on which everything in the world walks. But it is not created by all things, because the Tao itself is one of all things. The Tao is filled with all things, and at the same time it is nothing. One thing. Everything is born from the Tao, grows along the Tao, and then returns to the Tao. It can be said that it is a square but has no edges and corners, it is a sound but cannot be heard by the ear, it is a picture but cannot see lines and colors. Tao It is a huge net, the mesh is as big as the ocean, but it does not leak. It is a refuge for all things to live in. It is nowhere, but you can find it when you look into the window. Whether it wants to or not, it Give all things the law of how to act, and then let them grow on their own. According to the Tao, the humble can become heroic, and the hunchback can become tall and straight. Failure may bring success, and success is accompanied by failure. But who can Discern when the two alternate? People who pursue sex may be as smooth as children. Moderation and sophistication will make the powerful people win the day, and make the weak people avoid the shelter. The person who conquers himself is the strongest person." "Is this useful?" "Sometimes it works, when I've had six whiskeys and I'm looking at the sky, it works." Both were silent again, and it was Katie who broke the silence. "Tell me, 'It was the dog that died.' Is there a source for that phrase?" Waddington's mouth twitched slightly, and he was ready for an answer.But at this moment his nerves seemed surprisingly sensitive.Katie didn't look at him, but something in her expression made him change his mind. "If there is a source, I don't know where it came from." He said cautiously, "What's the matter?" "It's nothing. I suddenly remembered it, and it sounds familiar." There was another silence. "While you were alone with your husband," said Waddington this time, "I had a talk with the army doctor, and I think we should get to know something." "Uh?" "The military doctor has been in high spirits, and his words are incoherent. I may not understand what he means. From what I heard, your husband was infected during the experiment." "He's always stuck with experiments. He's not a real doctor, he's a bacteriologist. That's why he's in such a hurry to come here." "What I didn't understand from the military doctor's words was whether he was accidentally infected or deliberately experimented on himself." Katie turned pale suddenly, trembling at the thought of Waddington.He took her hand. "Forgive me for bringing this up again," he said softly, "but I thought it would give you some consolation—I know that no persuasion can help on such occasions—perhaps it means that Walter is It is a martyr who dies for the sake of science." Katie shrugged impatiently. "Walter died of a broken heart," she said. Waddington made no reply.She turned to him and looked at him carefully.Although her face was pale, her expression was very determined. "What did he mean when he said 'the dog was dead'? What was that saying?" "Gold Smith's poem—the last line of the Elegy."①