Chapter 5 Part III 21-25

twenty one Katie was alone again in the simple living room of the deceased missionary. She lay down on the bench facing the window and stared at the temple on the other side of the river (the evening light cast a shadow on the temple again). layer of wonderful mystery), trying to sort out the thoughts in my heart.She never thought that this trip to the monastery would touch her.Yeah, the curiosity is gone, there's nothing to look forward to now.For many days, she almost dreamed of the town under the high wall on the other side of the river, and now she didn't even want to see those mysterious streets.

But in the monastery, for a moment she felt as if she had entered another world, a world beyond the universe.Although those empty rooms and white corridors are simple, there seems to be a blurred and mysterious atmosphere wandering in them.The chapel looked so vulgar, almost miserable, and yet it had something that the majestic cathedral lacked.Its stained windows and oil paintings are so poor, but the faith it contains, the lofty feeling people have for it, endow it with pure beauty of soul.In this plague-ravaged heartland, the work of the monastery was so meticulous and methodical that it was a mockery of the catastrophe.In Katie's ears came the sound of ghostly wailing and wolf howling when Sister St. Joseph opened the door of the infirmary.

What they said about Walter also surprised her.First the Sisters of St. Joseph, and then the Abbess himself, their voices became exceedingly relieved when it came to praising him.When they complimented him, she'd feel a damned burst of pride.Waddington also mentioned what Walter did, but he only praised his medical skills and brains (some people in Hong Kong said he was smart), and the nuns must have passed this point.Yet they also said he was considerate, gentle, and kind.Of course he can be very kind, and if someone is sick, that's when he shows his skills; his clever brain knows how not to hurt you, and his hands must be soft and gentle.As soon as this person appears on the stage, you will be relieved of all illnesses. You won't be surprised if you don't praise him for his rejuvenation.Now she understands that he can no longer see that kind of loving look in his eyes. She used to be accompanied by this kind of look all day long, and she only felt bored.Now she knew that he still had a great love for others, and that he was pouring it out in a strange way on the patients who had given their lives to him.She didn't feel jealous, just a little bewildered, as if the armrest she had been used to leaning on for a long time was suddenly pulled away, making her top-heavy and swaying from side to side.

Recalling that she had despised Walter so much, now she only despised herself.He must have known how she thought of him back then, but he loved her as always, without complaint.She was a fool, he knew it all too well; because he loved her, he didn't care about that.Now she didn't hate him, she didn't resent him, she was just scared and confused.She had to admit that he had outstanding advantages, even a little greatness that was not easy to be noticed by others.And it was strange that she should not love him, but love a man whom she felt worthless now.She had been thinking all these long days, what was in Charlie Townsend worthy of her love?He's just an ordinary man, a second-rate guy through and through.If she is still crying all day long, doesn't that prove that her heart is still with him?She must have forgotten him.

Waddington also spoke highly of Walter.But she was the only one who turned a blind eye to his value, why?Because he loved her, but she didn't love him.A man is despised by you because he loves you, how does this man's heart grow?However, Waddington also admitted that he didn't like Walter that much.It seems that men do not like him.But the two nuns' affection for him was on their faces.It seems that women have other feelings for him.They keenly felt that there was a kind heart hidden behind his shyness. twenty two But it was the nuns who touched her the most.Let’s start with the rosy-cheeked, always happy Sisters of St. Joseph.She was one of the few nuns who came to China with the head of the monastery ten years ago. Over the years, she has seen her sisters pass away one by one in illness, poverty and homesickness, but her usual joy has not dimmed.Where does her frankness and open-mindedness come from?Then there was the abbot, thinking of this, Katie seemed to feel that the abbot was really standing in front of her again, and couldn't help feeling ashamed.She is a simple and unpretentious woman, and there is a kind of majesty in her bones, which makes people feel awe of her.For such a person, people who associate with her will naturally respect her more.Judging from the way Sister St. Joseph stood, her manner, and the tone of her answers, she was obedient to the abbot from the bottom of her heart.Although Waddington was frivolous and cynical by nature, he was still very restrained when speaking to the abbot, and he was almost cowering than usual.Katie felt that it was superfluous for Waddington to tell her about the abbot's French status.Judging by her demeanor, no one would doubt her long-standing ancient lineage.I am afraid that anyone who sees her will willingly submit to the majestic aura on her body.She has the gentleness of an elegant man and the humility of a sage.On her firm, beautiful, and at the same time slightly aged face, the unchanging solemnity never lacks brilliance.At the same time, she was a kind and friendly person, and the group of little children would surround her without any scruples, making noise, just because they knew that the abbot loved them deeply.When she looked at the four newborns, there would be a sweet and meaningful smile on her face, like a ray of sunshine shining on a barren land.When the St. Joseph sisters casually mentioned Walter, Katie was somehow touched.She understood how much he hoped she could give him a child, but he was always silent and dull, and he didn't seem like a person who could coax a child.Most men are clumsy when coaxing children, but he has no hands at all, what a strange person.

However, apart from these touching memories, there seemed to be a shadow hidden in her heart (like a silver cloud edged with a circle of black clouds), which could not be lingered.In the laughter of the St. Joseph sisters, and more in the elegant hospitality of the abbot, Katie always felt a kind of indifference.It goes without saying that they were friendly and even warm to her today, but at the same time they had reservations which Katie could not say.She felt that to them she was just any random newcomer.Not only did they speak a completely different language from Katie, but their minds were also thousands of miles away from Katie.They would forget her the moment the doors of the convent closed, and go on to the work they had just left without a moment's delay, as if she had never been there at all.She felt that she was shut out not only of the priory, but of the mysterious spiritual garden she had been pursuing.She suddenly felt more alone than ever before.That's why she was crying.

She leaned her head wearily back on the chair, and sighed, "What an insignificant person I am." twenty three Walter got back to their house a little earlier than usual that evening.Katie was lying on the bench facing the open window.It was almost dark. "Shall the lamp be lit?" he asked. "They'll bring up the lights at supper time." He was always talking about trivial things, as if they were two old acquaintances, and you would never have guessed from his behavior that he held a grudge against you.He never looked her in the eyes, never smiled, but was always polite.

"Walter, if we're still alive after this plague is over, what are your plans?" she asked. He paused for a moment without answering.She couldn't see what his face was like. "I haven't thought about it yet." If in the past, if any idea popped into her mind, she would blurt it out without even thinking about it.But now she was afraid of him, her lips trembled without saying a few words, and her heart was pounding. "I went to the monastery this afternoon." "I heard about it." She tried her best to say the following words, but her lips were still a little unruly.

"Did you really bring me here to kill me?" "I wouldn't dwell on it if I were you, Katie. I don't think it's going to do any good to discuss things we'd better forget about." "But you haven't forgotten, and neither can I. I've been thinking about it since I got here, and I've been thinking about it for a long time. Do you want to hear what I've been meaning to say?" "Very happy to." "I've been so mean to you. I've been unfaithful to you." He was nailed there like a stake.His silence made him even more intimidating.

"I don't know if you understand what I mean. That kind of thing is nothing to a woman, it's over as soon as it's over. I don't think women can fully understand a man's attitude." She opened her mouth abruptly, from her mouth It was a voice she didn't even recognize herself. "You know what Charlie is, and you've seen what he does. Well, you're right, he's a bitch. I was a bitch, that's why I went out with him. I I wish I hadn't. I'm not asking you to forgive me. I don't want you to change your mind and love me like you did before. I just don't think we can be friends? Look at the thousands of people dying all around us For the sake of the nuns in the convent . . . "

"What does it matter to them?" he interrupted her. "I don't know how to explain it either. When I went there today I had the feeling that there was an endless meaning to be felt. The conditions there were terrible and the sacrifices they made were very touching. I couldn't help it Think - if you know what I mean - if you're making yourself miserable because a stupid woman is cheating on you, it's stupid and not worth it. I'm nothing, worthless, and not worth bothering you. " He remained silent, but he did not walk away, as if waiting for her to continue. "Mr. Waddington and Mammy have told me a great deal about you. I'm proud of you, Walter." "It's not like you. You've always looked down on me. Are you starting to think up on me?" "Don't you know I'm worried about you?" He stopped talking again. "I don't understand you," he said finally. "I don't know what you're trying to do?" "It's not what I want to do, it's you. I just want you to stop being so unhappy." She felt that he seemed to be frozen, and his next answer was also cold. "If you think I'm unhappy, you're wrong. I'm so busy, I'm afraid I have very little time to think about you." "I wonder if the nuns would mind if I help out at the convent. They're short on staff right now, and if I can help in anything, then I'd be very honored." "It's not easy work or fun at all. I doubt you'll get tired of it before long." "Do you really despise me that much, Walter?" "No." He hesitated, and his tone suddenly became very strange, "I despise myself." twenty four After dinner, Walter sat down under the lamp as usual, opened a book and began to read.Every night or so he would read until Katie went to bed, then put away the book and resume his work late into the night in a room he had furnished as a laboratory.At night he hardly slept a wink, preoccupied with experiments that Katie knew nothing about.He never mentioned such things to Katie, even when he was happily married, and he was not a very talkative person.She understands the saying he believes in: Eloquence is silver, and silence is gold.So it's hard to say how much she knows about him, and she can't even tell whether he is sincere or perfunctory when he says a word.Now, he is like a mountain lying in front of her eyes, oppressing her nerves, but in his eyes, is she dispensable?When he loved her, her few words could amuse him, but now that he doesn't love her, listening to her talk is already tasteless?Thinking of this, she was extremely embarrassed. Katie looked at him.His silhouette under the light is like a relief, his dignified features are extremely eye-catching.His expression can be said to be not severe, but almost cruel.Except for the eyes turning left and right with the pages of the book, the whole body remains motionless, which is frightening to watch.Who would have thought that there could be moments of tenderness in this stern face?When she thought of his former appearance, she couldn't help feeling disgusted in vain.It was strange, he was handsome, honest, and talented, but she just didn't love him.Now that his kisses and caresses would never come to him again, it was a relief to think about it. When she asked him if he insisted on bringing her here because he really wanted her to die, he kept silent.What was the answer that made her terrified all day long?It is impossible for a kind-hearted person like him to come up with such a vicious idea.His original intention should have been just to frighten her and get revenge on Charlie (which is in line with his usual sarcasm), but then out of stubbornness or saving face, he didn't let go at all and insisted on her coming. Also, what did he mean by saying that he despised himself?Katie looked again at his cool, stern face, as though she were not in the room at all. "Why do you despise yourself?" she blurted out, almost without realizing that she was speaking, as if she were continuing the sentence of the evening, without a pause. He put down the book and looked at her thoughtfully, as if trying to pull himself back from his distant thoughts. "because I love you." She blushed and turned her head away. His cold, frozen and critical eyes made her unable to resist.She understood what he meant, and after a while she spoke. "I think you've been unfair to me," she said. "It's not fair to me that you blame me for being stupid, frivolous, and vain. That's how I was brought up, and all the girls around me Well... you can't blame a person for not being able to appreciate music just because he doesn't like going to symphony concerts. You can't demand something that I don't have, or it's not fair to me. I never lied to you, pretending that I would This and that. All I have is cute, pretty, and vivacious. You don't expect to go to the market stalls and buy pearl necklaces and mink coats, you go there to buy tin trumpets and toy balloons." "I'm not blaming you." His voice was weak, and she even grew angry.Why can't he understand?She already knew it at a glance.Compared with the fear of death shrouded in her heart, compared with the sacred beauty of nature she had seen that day, wasn't the matter between them too small and trivial?So what if a stupid woman cheats on her?Why can't her husband just play it lightly and let the past go?Walter was considered smart in vain, and at this moment he couldn't tell which was more important.At the beginning, he was looking for beauty in the eyes of a beholder, and enshrined her as a priceless treasure. Later, he found out that she was actually more than gold and jade, so he never forgave himself or her.His soul has been split in two, and his existence up to now is purely a sham.When the truth suddenly appeared in front of his eyes, his life was actually over.It was obvious that he would not forgive her, because he could not forgive himself at all. She suddenly heard him sigh softly, and glanced at him quickly.A word came out of her heart suddenly, which almost made her breathless and almost screamed out. Could it be that what he looks like now is what people say—heart ashes? 25 The next day, Katie's mind was always on the monastery. After spending the night, Walter had just left, and it was still early, so she ordered the servant to prepare a sedan chair for her, and then asked the servant to accompany her. river.It was just dawn, and the ferry boat was full of Chinese people, some were peasants in blue jackets, some were lords in black robes.They all had strange eyes and ashen faces, as if the ferry was taking them to the underworld.When they got to the shore, they got off the boat and stood on the shore in a daze, as if they couldn't remember where they were going. After a while, they climbed up the mountain in twos and threes. At this time, the street was deserted, like a dead city.Most of the pedestrians on the road are absent-minded, making people think that they have encountered ghosts wandering around.There was not a single cloud in the sky, and the warm morning light on the ground made people feel warm.It's hard to imagine that on such a fresh and cheerful morning, the city is already dying under the claws of the plague like a man who has been strangled by a lunatic and passed out.People are struggling in pain and dying in fear, but this beautiful nature (the blue sky is clear and transparent, like the pure heart of a child) is indifferent.When the sedan chair stopped at the gate of the monastery, a beggar stood up from the ground and begged for something from Katie.He was dressed in rags, as if he had crawled through a dunghill.Through the tear in his clothes, she could see that his skin was rough and ugly, as black as goatskin, his legs were bare and skinny.His face was unkempt, his cheeks sunken into dimples, his eyes wild and wild, almost like the face of a madman.Kitty looked away in horror, and the bearer yelled at him to go away, but he kept pestering him and would not go.To get him off quickly, Kitty tremblingly gave him some small money. The door opened, and the servant explained to those inside that Katie wanted to see the Abbess.She was taken again to the suffocating drawing room, the window of which never seemed to have been opened to let in the wind.She sat for a long time and did not see the abbot come over, so she couldn't help wondering whether her words had not been heard.Finally the abbot came in. "I beg your forgiveness for keeping you waiting," she said. "I was so unprepared for your arrival that I was too busy." "I'm sorry to bother you. I'm afraid I'm calling at an inconvenient time for you." The abbot smiled at her solemnly and sweetly, and asked her to sit down.Katie noticed that her eyes were swollen and looked like she had just cried.This surprised Katie, because in her impression, the abbot is not someone who can be easily moved by worldly troubles. "I'm worried about what happened here." She hesitated and said, "If it's not convenient, I'll go back right now, and I can come back at another time." "No, no. If you have anything to say, please. I just... just one of our sisters died last night." Her voice trembled, and her eyes filled with tears. "I am guilty of grieving in vain, for I know that her good and simple soul has gone straight to heaven, and that she is a saint. But it is too difficult to overcome our weaknesses, and I am afraid I am not a man who can always be rational." "I'm very sorry, I'm very, very sorry," Katie said. She was sobbing as she spoke because of her ubiquitous, ever-present sympathy. "She was one of the sisters who came with me from France ten years ago. Now, it's just the three of us. I remember, we were all standing in the stern of the boat (what did she say? Tail tangling?) , with the steamer leaving the port of Marseille. We saw the golden statue of the Virgin Mary from a distance, and we said the prayers together. Since I became a Christian, my greatest hope is that the church will send me to China. However, when I I couldn't help crying when I saw my homeland go away before my eyes. I was their superintendent, and I didn't set a good example for the children. At this time, Sister St. Frances Harvey - she died last night , she held my hand and told me not to be sad. She said that wherever we go, France and God are in our hearts." Grief originating from human nature was in fierce confrontation with reason and faith, distorting her solemn and beautiful face.Katie looked away, thinking it was rude to peep at someone in that situation. "I've been writing to her father just now. She's her mother's only daughter, like me. They're a family of fishermen living in Brittany, and the news is cruel to them. Well, this When will this terrible plague stop? Our two little girls got sick this morning too, and no one could save them except a miracle. These Chinese people have no resistance at all. The loss of Sister St. Francis is too harsh for us .We have a lot to do, and now we have one less manpower. Although sisters from monasteries all over China would like to come here, our church will give everything to this place (too bad they have nothing), but coming here is almost It means death. As long as our existing sisters can handle it, I don't want any more sisters to die in vain." "Your words have encouraged me, Mammy," said Katie, "and I am sorry to come at a sad hour. I wondered if you would allow me to come and help when you said the other day that there were not enough sisters. I can be of use to you, and I don't care what. Even if you let me mop the floors, I'd appreciate it." The abbot smiled happily.This surprised Katie, she had never imagined that this man's temperament was so changeable, and he could laugh out tears so easily. "You don't have to mop the floors. The orphans can do it so-so." She paused, and then looked at Katie very kindly. "My dear child, don't you think you have done enough by coming with your husband? Not every wife has the courage. Besides, if you can comfort him when he comes home from a tiring day, , Let him rest quietly, there is nothing more thoughtful than this. Please believe me, he needs your love and consideration at that time." Kitty could hardly look the Abbess in the eye.Those eyes were fixed directly on Katie's face with ironic familiarity. "I'm afraid I've had nothing to do from morning till night," said Katie, "and I can't stay any longer when you think you're all so busy with work and I'm idle all day. I know that I have no right to demand your mercy and waste your time, but my words are sincere. If you can give me a chance to help, it will be a great gift to me." "You don't look well. I found you pale when you came here the day before yesterday. Sister St. Joseph thought you were pregnant." "No, no," cried Katie, blushing up to her ears. The abbot chuckled like a bell. "There is nothing to be ashamed of, my dear boy, and the surmise is not a fantasy. How long have you been married?" "I'm pale because I'm born that way, and I'm actually pretty muscular. I can assure you I can do a hard job." The abbot's expression became serious, and she unconsciously assumed an authoritative posture, which was her usual appearance.Her critical eyes fixed on Katie, and Katie became inexplicably nervous. "Do you speak Chinese?" "I'm afraid not," replied Katie. "Oh, that's a pity. I could have put the older girls in your care. But it's hard now, and I'm afraid they'll—how do you say it in English? Lawless?" She pondered. . "Can I help take care of those sick sisters? I am not afraid of cholera at all. Girls and soldiers can be entrusted to my care." The smile on the Abbot's face faded, and she shook her head gravely. "You don't know anything about cholera. It's a horrible scene. It's scary. The infirmary is done by soldiers, and we only need a sister to watch. As for the girls... no, no, I'm sure It's not what your husband would have liked. It was a pretty horrific scene." "I'll get used to it slowly." "No, I cannot give you this opportunity. This is our job and our privilege. We have no intention of asking you to come here." "You make me feel like nobody and nothing. I don't believe there isn't a job I can do here." "Have you discussed this plan with your husband?" "yes." The Abbess looked at Kitty as if to see through all the secrets that were hidden in her heart.Sensing Katie's anxious, earnest look, she smiled. "Of course you're a Protestant?" she asked. "yes." "That's all right. Dr. Wesson, the dead missionary, was a Protestant. That's all right. He's our dearest. We're very grateful to him." Katie had a delighted smile on her face, but she said nothing.The abbot thought for a while, then rose to his feet. "You are a very kind soul. I think I can find something for you to do. It is true that Sister St. Frances will have no one to do her work when she leaves us. When will you start?" "Now." "Excellent. I'm glad to hear you say that." "I assure you that I will do my best. I am very grateful to you for giving me this opportunity." The abbot opened the door of the reception room, and was about to go out when he hesitated for a moment.She looked at Katie meaningfully again, and put a hand lightly on Katie's arm. "You know, my dear child, that peace is not to be found in work, nor in joy, nor in this world, nor in this monastery, but only in the soul of man." Katie was a little surprised when she heard the words, but the abbot had already left quickly.