Chapter 21 Chapter Fourteen Sexual Motivation-2

We come now to a very important problem of the female sexual drive: the woman is not compensated for her condescension by an intense and sure pleasure at the beginning of the sexual act.If doing so opened the gates of heaven, she would easily sacrifice her shyness and self-esteem.However, we have seen that the loss of virginity is not a pleasant event for the young mistress, and even if it is, it is very rare, and vaginal pleasure is not immediately available.According to Stekel's statistics - this statistic has been confirmed by many sexologists and psychologists, only 4% of women have orgasm pleasure at the beginning, and 50% of them only in a few weeks, months or even years Then there is a vaginal orgasm.

Psychological factors play a major role here.The female body has a special psychosomatic (psyChosomatic), that is to say, the mind and the body are often closely linked.Women's psychic inhibitions prevent the emergence of sexual feelings; they tend not to disappear and to form ever more powerful obstacles, because they are not compensated by pleasure.A vicious circle can form in many cases: An initial clumsiness on the man's side, a word, a rough gesture, a haughty smile, can affect the entire honeymoon, and even the entire married life.A young woman who is disappointed by the lack of immediate pleasure develops a persistent resentment that is detrimental to her later sexual happiness.

Of course, men can always stimulate the clitoris to give pleasure when they are not normally satisfied; this practice, despite moralizing against it, can still make women orgasm and relaxation.But many women reject the practice because it seems more imposed than vaginal pleasure.If a woman is as selfish as men who are only trying to get their way, she will be equally uncomfortable with overt efforts to give her pleasure.Stekel said: "To make others happy means to dominate others; to commit to someone is to give up one's will." If her sexual pleasure seems to flow naturally from the man's sexual pleasure, as normal sexual intercourse goes well When it is like that, women will easily accept it."Women are more than happy to submit if they feel their partner doesn't want to conquer them," Stekel said, but if they feel they want to conquer them, they resist.Many women hate prodding with their hands because the hand is a tool that has nothing to do with the pleasure it gives, and it represents initiative more than flesh.Even the male organ is repulsed by women if it does not appear to be lustful flesh but a skillfully used instrument.Moreover, any such compensation seemed to her to confirm the existence of an impediment to her attaining the satisfaction of a normal woman.After extensive observations, Stekel points out that the whole desire of so-called frigid women tends to be normal: "They want to achieve orgasm in the way [they think of] normal women, and other ways cannot satisfy their spirits. need."

Therefore, the attitude of a man is very important.If his desire is strong and wild, his sexual partner will feel that she is a mere object in his embrace; but if he is too self-controlled and detached, he will appear not to be a body; he wants the woman to make herself The object does not exert any control over him in turn.Either situation would provoke a revolt of her ego.If she is to reconcile becoming a carnal object with her own claim to subjectivity, she must make him her prey at the same time she becomes his prey.This is why women are repeatedly and stubbornly frigid.If her lover is unattractive, if he is cold, careless, and clumsy, she will not arouse her sexually or satisfy her.But if he's masculine and skilled, he may still elicit a negative reaction.Women fear being dominated by him: some women can only enjoy themselves with men who are timid, deficient, or even half-immature, because they are not worth being afraid of.

In addition, a man can easily arouse grief and resentment from his mistress.And resentment is the most common cause of female frigidity, and in bed the woman punishes the man for all the wrongs she thinks she has suffered, subjecting him to humiliating frigidity.An aggressive inferiority complex is often evident in her attitude, as she would say: "Since you don't love me, since I have flaws that displease you and I'm low, I won't be obsessed with love, lust, and Pleasure." And thus she took revenge on him as well as herself, if he had humiliated her by his slight, if he had made her jealous, if he had been late to reveal his thoughts, if he had Also consider her a mistress.Even in an affair that begins pleasantly, there can be sudden outbursts of dissatisfaction that trigger this response.

Once a man has aroused such hostility, it is difficult to dispel it, but strong evidence of love or respect can remedy the situation.Women who are aggressive and tough with their lovers are transformed by a wedding ring - happy, content and at ease, and all their inhibitions melt away.Yet a respectful, affectionate, and sensitive new lover is most capable of turning an abused woman into a happy mistress or wife.If he can free her from her inferiority complex, she will give herself passionately. Stekel's research on female frigidity (cited many times above) is primarily concerned with demonstrating the role of psychological factors in the cause of this condition.His many instances clearly show that the main factor is often resentment towards the husband or lover.For example, in one instance, a young woman was committed because she wanted to get married, but because she considered herself a "free woman," she came to insist on it.In fact, she is a slave to traditional moral concepts. When a man believes her words, she gradually loses her sexuality until she refuses his belated marriage proposal.She even wanted to punish him completely by committing suicide.In another instance, a married woman repressed her emotions and became frigid because she believed her husband had been unfaithful to her during her illness.In another instance, a 17-year-old girl experienced intense pleasure during an affair.She asked for marriage after she became pregnant, but her lover hesitated for three weeks before agreeing.She couldn't forgive him for making her wait anxiously for three weeks, so she became frigid, and it wasn't until after an explanation that she returned to normal.

Even if a woman overcomes all psychological resistance and achieves a vaginal orgasm sooner or later, her troubles will not end there, because her libido rhythm does not match that of a man, and usually she reaches orgasm more slowly than a man much.This situation was covered in the Kinsey report, and here is part of it: For about 3/4 men, orgasm is reached within two minutes after sexual intercourse begins... Considering that many upper-class women are so uncomfortable with the sexual situation that they need 10 to 15 minutes of very careful stimulation to achieve orgasm; Women will never reach orgasm for life. If the man is to cooperate with the woman, he must prolong the sexual intercourse time abnormally without ejaculation. This is of course a demanding one.

It is said that the Indian husband is in the habit of smoking or reading during intercourse so that he can distract himself from the sensations and prolong the intercourse for his wife.In the West, the Casanova-type figure somewhat brags about his ability to have multiple intercourses, and he is most proud of making a sexual partner beg him to do it again, which, according to the conventions of the sex drive, is difficult for him did it.It's easy for men to complain about their sexual partner's demands: crazy womb, cannibal, voracious woman; she's never enough!Montaigne expresses this view in his Collected Works:

They will always be more competent and passionate than we are in making love, and the ancient priests—man first and then woman—prove it... And, from them, we learn that Roman emperors and empresses through the centuries, mastered this The adepts of the Tao, provided the evidence.He did take the virginity of 10 Sarmatian virgins he had captured in one night, but she also did have sex twenty-five times in one night, changing her partners at will, ... adhucardensrigidoetentiginevulvoe , Etlassataviris, nondumsatiata, recessit; [… her private parts are swollen but still burning, she is not satisfied and ends up exhausted;] A woman complains that her husband courts too much—I don’t think too much—because she is being fucked. (I believe in miracles only in matters of faith), which caused a controversy in Catalusia, whereby...

Leading to that famous judgment of the Queen of Aragon.By this judgment, the gracious queen, after much deliberation with her cabinet ministers ... ordered that six times a day be the lawful and necessary limit, thereby abstaining and abstaining from a great part of her sexual desires and desires; thus, she said, She might take a breather, so she established a permanent routine. It's certainly true that a woman's sexual pleasure is quite different from a man's.I have already said that what is not certain is whether vaginal sensations lead to definite orgasms: women state this rarely, and when they try to describe it, it is extremely vague.It seems that this response varies greatly from person to person.However, sexual intercourse undoubtedly has a clear biological outcome for men: ejaculation.Of course, the attainment of this goal involves many other very complex intentions; but once attained, it seems to be a definite end, if not the complete fulfillment of the desire, at least its current end.On the contrary, the goal of a woman is uncertain from the beginning, and it is not actually a physical one, but a psychological one.She craves sexual excitement and pleasure in general, yet her body never promises a definite end to lovemaking, which is why intercourse does not quite end for her: it cannot have an end.Men's sexual feelings rise like an arrow, and when they reach a certain height or threshold, they will come true and stop abruptly in orgasm.This pattern of sexual behavior is limited.non-continuous.Female sexual pleasure radiates throughout the body and is not always concentrated in the genitals.Even when focused on the genitals, vaginal contractures do not constitute a true orgasm, but rather a set of wave-like movements.It comes and goes rhythmically, going round and round, again and again reaching a state of paroxysm, blurring, falling, but never completely subsiding.With no clear boundaries, the extension of a woman's sexuality is unlimited.Often it is nerve or heart fatigue, or psychological satisfaction, rather than a particular kind of satisfaction, that limits the possibilities of a woman's sexual drive.Even when beaten down and exhausted, she may not be fully vented: Lassatanondumsatiata [tired but unsatisfied], as Juvino points out.

A man is very inappropriate when he imposes his own rhythm or timing on his partner, when he drives her to orgasm with frenzied movements: he often only destroys the experience she is experiencing in her own way. form of sexual drive.It is a form whose boundaries are determined with considerable plasticity: certain convulsions in the vagina or in the whole genitals, or involving the whole body, can form a solution.In some women the spasms are so intense and so regular that they may be considered orgasms.But a woman making love can also achieve an ending that leads to relief and satisfaction from a man's orgasm.Also, the sexually arousal state may be quietly resolved in a gradual, non-orgasmic manner.Sexual success does not require the precise synchronization of sensations, as many wary men simply imagine, but the establishment of a complex pattern of sexual drive.Many people believe that "getting" a woman pleasured is a matter of timing and skill, it's all about vigorous movement.They fail to realize to what extent female sexuality is adapted to the whole situation. I have already said that a woman's sexual pleasure is an uncanny state of paroxysm that demands total indulgence.This paroxysm is broken if words or actions interfere with the magic of the touch.This is one of the reasons women close their eyes.Physiologically, it was a reflex to compensate for dilated pupils, but she lowered her eyelids even in the dark.She wanted to cancel everything around her, cancel this strange moment, cancel herself and her lover, willing to be lost in the night of flesh as dark as a mother's womb.She longs above all to annul her separation from this man, to become one with him.We have seen that she wishes to be the subject even as she becomes the object.Because her whole body is agitated with desire and excitement, she is more insane than a man, and can only maintain her subjectivity through union with a sexual partner.For both parties, giving and receiving must be combined.If a man is only prepared to receive without giving, or if he gives pleasure without receiving pleasure, a woman feels manipulated and used.By acknowledging herself as the other, she becomes a secondary party, and she has to deny her otherness. This explains the fact that women almost always grieve when two bodies separate.After coitus, the man always denies his relationship with the flesh, whether he feels pleasure or depression, whether he is fooled by lust or conquers the woman. He was a decent body again, wanted to sleep, to bathe, to smoke, to get out and get some fresh air.The woman wants to prolong the physical contact until the seizures that made her physical are gone.Separation was painfully utterly alone for her, exactly like going through the weaning process again.She resents her lover because he left so suddenly.But what hurt her even more was the words that ran counter to the fusion she had just firmly believed in.Madeleine Bourdux thus spoke of a woman who flinched and put her hand over his mouth when her husband asked her if she refused to live.These kinds of discourses horrify many women because they reduce the pleasure of intercourse to an inner, solitary experience. "Is that enough? Do you want more? Are you okay?"—asking this kind of question actually emphasizes separation, thereby turning lovemaking into a mechanical operation directed by men.And that's really why he asks these kinds of questions.His quest for domination is indeed more than fusion and reciprocity.No sooner has the union of the two parties ended than he becomes the sole subject again: it takes a great love, a great generosity, to relinquish this privileged position.He likes to make a woman feel humiliated and possessed, no matter what she thinks about it.He always wanted to possess her a little more than she gave.A woman would save herself a lot of trouble if a man didn't have all the complexities in his car that make him think of sex as a fight. At that time, she would no longer regard the bed as a battlefield. It is true, however, that alongside narcissism and self-esteem in the young girl there is also a desire to be dominated. Some psychoanalysts believe that masochism is one of the characteristics of a woman, and it is this tendency that enables her to adapt to her sexual destiny.However, the concept of masochism is very confusing, and we must examine it in detail. After Freud, psychoanalysts divided masochism into three types: one is the connection between pain and sexual pleasure, the other is the acceptance of female attachment to sex, and the third is a kind of self-punishment. mechanism.On this view, a woman may be masochistic because pleasure and pain are linked in her through loss of virginity and childbirth, and because she accepts a passive role. We must first note that attributing sexual value to pain in no way implies that the behavior is characterized by passive compliance.Pain often serves to increase muscle tension and reawaken sensitization dulled by very intense sexual excitement and pleasure.It is a blinding bolt of lightning that cuts through the night of the flesh and can lift a lover out of purgatory where he is so besotted that he might be thrown down again.Pain is often a part of sexual mania.Two bodies that like to give pleasure to each other, try their best to feel and combine with each other, and touch each other in every possible way.When making love, there is a kind of self-disengagement, extreme excitement and ecstasy; pain also passes through the self at a rapid speed at this time, which is transcendence, a paroxysmal state.Pain has always played a major role in orgies, and the sensations of good and pain are known to go hand in hand: touching can become pain, torture can lead to pleasure. Hugging easily invites biting, pinching, and scratching, which are usually not abusive behaviors, but indicate a desire to integrate rather than destroy.The recipients of these behaviors do not want to resist and be humiliated, but to bond.Besides, it's not a male-specific behavior -- far from it.In fact, pain has a masochistic connotation only when it is admitted and required as evidence of slavery.As for the pain of losing your virginity, it is not closely related to the pleasure; as for the pain of childbirth, all women fear it and are glad that modern methods of midwifery can dispense with it.Pain has the same status in a woman's sexual desire as in a man's, neither higher nor lower. Also, female docility is a very vague concept.We have seen that the girl usually imagines Ben to be at the mercy of a demigod, a hero, a male, but this is still only a narcissistic game and does not mean at all that she is actually willing to submit to a body with such authority. manipulation.On the contrary, she often rejects the men she admires and respects, and gives herself to very mediocre men.It is a mistake to look for explanations of concrete actions in phantasies, for phantasies are created and cherished only as phantasies.To dream of a violated little girl with a mixture of fear and acquiescence does not necessarily mean that one actually wishes to be violated, and if it does happen, it may be a hateful disaster.We have already noticed a typical example of this kind of irrelevance in Marie le Hardus's "Shadow", and she also confesses: "In my dreams I have done all kinds of shameful things." We can again To quote Marie Bashkirchev once: "All my life I've tried to accept some kind of fantasy domination, but all the men I've tried were so mediocre compared to me that I was only disgusted." Still, it's true to say that women's sexual roles are largely passive.But just as the normal aggressive behavior of the male cannot be said to be sadistic, so the actual manifestation of the passive role cannot be said to be masochistic.A woman can assert her subjectivity by going beyond stroking, excitement, and penetration to her own pleasure.She can also pursue a union with her lover, giving herself to him, but this represents transcendence rather than concession.When a person is willing to completely become an object under the conscious will of others, when she is willing to regard herself as an object, when she is willing to act as an object, masochism exists. "Masochism is not trying to charm others with my objectivity, but trying to make others think that I am charmed by my objectivity." Sartre's Juliet and his "Philosophy in the Little Drawing Room" Young virgins, while giving themselves to men as much as they can, always do so for their own pleasure, so they are not masochists at all.Lady Stray and Kate are not masochists, despite their indulgences.Masochism exists only when the self appears to be separate, and this alienated self, or double self, is perceived as dependent on the will of another. In this sense, the real masochistic psychology can indeed be seen from some women.The young girl has this tendency because she is often narcissistic, and narcissism makes the ego double and alien.If she evokes from her sexual impulses a strong excitement and desire which she felt at the outset, she will really live her experiences inwardly, and will no longer project them onto this ideal pole of what she calls her "self."But if she is frigid, this external "self" is still maintained, and it seems transgressive to be a thing for men.So, "like sadism, masochism is an assumption of guilt. I am guilty only because I am the object".Sartre's concept is consistent with Freud's concept of self-punishment.The maiden punishes herself for subordinating herself to others and thinks she is reprehensible, humiliating and enslaving herself voluntarily and redoubled.As we have seen, Virgos harbor a sense of aggression towards their future lovers and punish themselves with all kinds of self-torture for their future obedience.When the lover finally does show up, they are still adopting this attitude. As we have seen, frigidity does seem like a woman's punishment not only to her partner but to herself: because her vanity is hurt, she resents him, as well as herself, and abstains from pleasure.In being abused, she will desperately let herself be enslaved by men, she will constantly pour out her love, and she will long to be humiliated and beaten.Angry at allowing alienation to take place, she becomes more and more completely alienated from herself.For example, this is clearly the case with Mathilde's behavior.She was annoyed at submitting to Julien, and this was often the reason why she fell at his feet, willingly surrendered to him, and offered him her hair.Yet at the same time she hated him as much as she hated herself.We can easily imagine that she would be as cold as ice in his arms. The false indulgence of the masochistic woman creates a new barrier between her and pleasure, and she uses this inability to experience pleasure to exact her revenge on herself.A vicious cycle involving frigidity and masochism can become permanent and may induce sadistic behavior in return for compensation.A mature sexual drive can sometimes rescue a woman from frigidity and narcissism. Once she accepts her passive sexuality, she may actually experience it instead of still pretending to be it.Because the agent constantly expresses herself in the process of trying to give in, it is a masochistic paradox.Only by giving oneself without thinking and reaching out to others naturally can a person achieve the state of selflessness.Therefore, women are indeed more susceptible to the temptation of being masochistic than men.Her passive object position in her sexual drive led her to feign passivity, a game of self-punishment resulting from her narcissistic aversion and the resulting frigidity.In fact, many women, especially many teenage girls, are masochists.When Colette talked about her first sexual experience in "My Novice", she disclosed the following words to us: I did begin to be in a state of excitement due to the indulgence and ignorance of youth.It was a reprehensible excitement, the urge of an ugly and impure adolescence.Many girls, before they reach the age of marriage, dream of being a grown man's private ornament, plaything, and extremely lewd guy.It is an ugly desire that they seek to make up for with gratification, one that has nothing to do with the neurosis of puberty, with chewing on chalk or pencil leads, and drinking mouthwash. Reading obscene books and pricking your palms with needles belong to the same category of desires. Masochism is a perversion of puberty, it cannot really solve the conflicts caused by women's sexual destiny, it is just a way of escaping sexual destiny by addiction, these are the most obvious facts.Masochism is by no means a normal, pleasurable consequence of the female sexual drive. The full development of the female sexual drive requires a woman to successfully overcome her passivity in love, affection, and sensuality, and to establish a mutual relationship with her sexual partner.As long as there is a "struggle of the sexes," the difference in sexual drive between men and women raises insoluble problems.These problems would be easily resolved if women gained both desire and respect from men. If man can acknowledge her freedom while desiring to possess her body, she will feel herself the principal while making herself the object, and her wholeness will remain intact.She is still free in agreeing to obey.In this case, the two lovers can share a pleasure, in a manner which suits them, which each of the sexual partners regards as its own and yet as coming from the other. The meanings of the words "give" and "receive" are reversed; pleasure means gratitude, pleasure means affection.In a very intense awareness of the Other and the Self, there is a mutual recognition of the Self and the Other in the concrete corporeal form.Some women say that they feel that the male sex organs inserted into them are part of themselves, and some men feel that they are the women they penetrate.These statements are obviously inaccurate, because the scope and relationship of others still exist.It is true, however, that otherness no longer has hostile connotations, and this sense of union of two completely separate bodies does give the sexual act an emotional quality.Even more overwhelming is the fact that these two people who both deny and insist on their respective boundaries are both similar and different in their passionate union.This otherness, which so often separated them, became the cause of their intoxication when they united.In the man's male agitation, the woman sees the opposite of her passive frenzy, and the man's sexual power also reflects the power she exerts on him.This valiant blood-filled organ was hers, just as her smile belonged to the man who gave her pleasure.All the jewels of masculinity and femininity are brought together, and thus form an ever-changing, ecstatic unity.What this harmony requires is not virtuosity, but rather a mutual generosity of body and soul based on the magic of the sexual impulse of the moment. This generosity is often checked in men by vanity, in women by timidity.Generosity won't work as long as she remains repressed, which is why a woman's libido generally blooms late: she doesn't reach the peak of her sexual drive until she's almost thirty-five.Unfortunately, if she had been married by this time, her husband would have grown accustomed to her relative indifference.Still able to seduce new lovers, she has begun to lose her youth: her golden days are numbered.Many women finally decide to be open about their desires when they become unattractive. The conditions for the development of a woman's sexual life depend not only on these factors but also on her general social and economic situation. It will be unrealistic to do further research out of this situation.From our examination, however, certain conclusions about general values ​​have been drawn.The sexual experience is the one that most acutely reveals to people the ambiguity of their condition, in which they feel themselves both body and mind, other and subject.For woman, this conflict takes on a more dramatic form, since she initially sees herself as an object, not immediately realizing truly independent sexual pleasure; she must, while accepting her carnal status, recover her dignity as a transcendent and free subject, Yet it is a difficult and dangerous enterprise, often ending in failure.But it is precisely this difficult position that keeps her from falling into a trap into which a man is easily fooled; a man is easily fooled by his aggressive role and the false privileges bestowed by his unilateral gratification in orgasm; He hesitates when he sees himself fully as flesh, but the woman experiences her love in a more real way. No matter how accurately a woman adapts to her passive role, she is always frustrated as an active individual. It is not his possessive organs that make her jealous of a man, but his prey. It is an age-old contradiction that men live in a sweet, warm, tender world of the flesh, and in women's worlds, while women move into the rough and vulgar world of men.Her hands still longed for soft, smooth flesh; for adolescent boys, women, flowers, fluff, children.There was still a whole unoccupied part of her that longed to possess the treasure she had given to men.This explains the fact that many women have homosexual tendencies to varying degrees.There is one type of woman in which this tendency, for complicated reasons, is exceptionally strong.Not all women are able and willing to solve their sexual problems in the standard, only socially acceptable way.Now we must turn our attention to those women who choose to be banned.