Chapter 5 Chapter 2.3

But I have observed that in China, today, in real life, many people actually don't care about the quality of their souls the least, and they care less and less about themselves and others.This kind of indifference, and our human culture has always been very caring, caring too much, more and more forming a sharp, sometimes even mourning, opposite degree of contrast.What people really care about is only the problem of the heart. Perhaps this is because people seem to understand more and more that the heart is something that is unfounded and subjective.And the heart is the most dirty thing in one's body, the real thing in one's body, right?In Chinese culture, the problem of the so-called human mind is also the problem of human virtue.Has always been full of educational meaning of chatter.And today's Chinese are probably the most vulgar in terms of virtue on our planet.Human beings' rebellion against their own culture seems to be carried out most thoroughly in the land of China.We seem to be thrown back thousands of years ago with our legs in our hands.Throw back to the ancient times when we were at the same cultural level as our primitive ancestors.As we all know, in that kind of ancient times, the so-called human culture actually had only two contents—"Man dies for money, birds die for food" and the fear of death.

There is a saying in our Chinese folks-the human heart has ten apertures.It means the ten orifices of the heart, each of which is responsible for the seven emotions and six desires.Of course, there is one orifice that belongs to the Lord's greed.Of course, this greed also includes greed for money.Therefore, the common people often say——so-and-so has a lot of heart, so-and-so has a lack of heart, and so-and-so has too much heart to die.Nowadays, in the hearts of many of us Chinese, there is almost only one opening left, and that is the main opening of greed.The only thing that is greedy is money, and it is decorated with colors.The other orifices that govern the emotions and desires seem to be all sealed.That's why I said earlier, such a human heart.How can it be more subtle and delicate than the feeling of human hands?Isn't it inevitable that it will become something rough and simple in terms of "quality" and simple in function?

So I feel more and more day by day that compared with human hands, our blunders, the human heart, the "pump" in our body, not only suffers more and more humiliation, but also becomes more and more disreputable and degraded. It's getting ugly.Of course, if the ugliness is objectively and fairly attributed to the brain, the heart will become very cute again, as cute as the bright red cherry in the cartoon.Then this guy, the brain, will become ugly.The image of the brain is not very beautiful, it looks like a piece of frozen tofu pulled out of a basin, and after pointing out the ugly nature, it is even more disgusting, isn't it?

Some mistakes can only be made by making mistakes, and there is not much need to correct them.If it is corrected seriously, the prospects will not be good.Anyway, we can only face one reality—whether it is the heart or the brain, a part of our Chinese body has not been much civilized after five thousand years of cultural influence.From then on, we will live and die with its ugliness, and gradually lose the sense of shame. My quiet enjoyment is often before going to bed, or while traveling.Every day after going to bed, there is no book next to my pillow, so I can't fall asleep, and I must have insomnia.When you go hiking, you may forget everything, but you will never forget your books.Books are a big concept that encompasses everything.What I read most often are biographies, essays, essays, essays, classical Chinese novels and the like. "Reading", "Essay", "Reader", "Character", "World Expo", and "Mystery" are all my favorite publications, and they are my friends in life.

Through reading, I know so many people, it seems like I have new friends every day.I respect and love them, and I am willing to use them as role models in my life.At the same time, I also seem to see many "enemies". I regard all public enemies of human beings—things derived from human beings themselves that have a bad influence on human beings in the natural environment. I regard them as "enemies". Reading is really a kind of happiness. In my opinion, as a teacher, the last thing that should be done is to treat students differently by rich or poor. But I didn't want to continue to go to school anymore, because I was poor, too poor, and I felt no dignity at school.And a child needs dignity as much as a mother's love.

I am the only free student in the class.Free of charge is mental pressure and psychological burden for a primary school student. A mother who can tell stories and a poor life since I was a child are the prerequisites for me to be a writer.Dickens said - poverty is a kind of misfortune for ordinary people, but it may be a kind of luck for writers.Indeed, for me, poverty does not mean only the unfulfilled wishes of childhood.It made me precocious, and made me doubt life, think about life, know life, and intervene in life from childhood.Although I have cursed poverty a thousand times, I have felt great inferiority and shame because of poverty.

One of the social missions of education is to eliminate the mentality of hating the poor and loving the rich and flattering power first in schools! And disliking the poor and loving the rich, in our country, in our country's primary schools, middle schools and even universities, in the 1990s, there are still many examples. Since I graduated from elementary school, then went to middle school, and then went to university, I have reason to think so. I curse this phenomenon!despise this phenomenon! Youth is always the most sincere friend of literature.The middle school age is a brand new youth age.They embrace life by embracing literature, and they are the largest group of readers who are most likely to be moved by literary works.If we conduct a meaningful social survey today, the result will definitely be the same.

When I was in middle school, I was a mediocre student.I have no interest in physics, chemistry, geography, or politics.Every exam barely manages to pass.I got the highest score of 95 in the Russian test last semester, and never passed it again.I like Chinese, history, algebra, and geometry.Algebra and geometry can also arouse my interest in learning, because it is like rotating a Rubik's cube.Formulas and theorems are dead, but solving problems requires flexibility.I feel that solving algebra or geometry problems is like writing a novel.For a novel with the same content, in order to achieve a high degree of perfect unity of content and form, there must be an optimal choice of creation.There are many kinds of common ones, but there may be only one kind of best one.Re-examining my own works, the mediocre ones are precisely the ones that did not carefully choose the angle before creation.This is the reason for the so-called shoddy manufacturing.

For most people who are already writers, the road to literary goals is paved with handwritten manuscript paper.This road is not a 100-meter race, but a long "marathon", a race that must be carried out step by step.This is also a road full of natural elimination from time to time.People who lack stamina, confidence, and the spirit of continuous improvement, and those who lack the courage to be lonely for a certain period of time, even if they "become famous in one fell swoop" and become famous, may "be short-lived."Those who have been "race-walking" on the road of literature are mostly "ascetic monks".

Speaking of the so-called "personal struggle", I think that among our educated youths in the Great Northern Wilderness who are now editors, screenwriters, and writers, it can be said that everyone has come through "personal struggle".However, on the way we have come, there are indeed corps that have played an important role in our support and training.Indeed, the encouragement and encouragement of people like Yang Fang and Cui Guanshi played an important role.It would indeed be ungrateful to say nothing about this in order to portray yourself more like a "personal striver"!Don't think that today's college students care so much about current affairs, they just still like the so-called "hot topics" of "pei".Otherwise, is it still called a "college student"?Not that I think so, I guess some of them think so too.Talking to college students is already one of the things I hate the most.Their superficiality often surprises and dazes me.Especially when encountering those who think their way of thinking is particularly "metaphysical".His parents and his brothers and sisters are all living in the "physical" reality that can no longer be "physical", including himself. What do you think he is pretending to be "metaphysical"?Who is it for?Who did you learn from?But thinking about their age, there will be less "AIA's amazement" and more "Long live understanding".All the men and women who are lucky enough to enter the university campus, who didn't come here from a pretentious age?What's more, they or their "shape" can't rise to a "high" place after all. Once they leave the campus and go to the society, they will fall freely, and they may fall to a "lower" place than their parents and brothers and sisters. On the ground of their thinking, they or they themselves will understand the truth without being told by others. It turns out that people who talk about "metaphysics" are full of "metaphysical" people. In China, today, many of them sell "dog skin plasters"...

There is such a kind of person in the world who can't see the bullying of the weak by the strong. It's a pity that I am one of such people. People, especially men, who are afraid of the strong and bully the weak at the same time, can indeed be included in the group of bastards. Changed to a more realistic point of view to convince myself-maybe life is like this?On that day, at that moment, maybe in many countries on the planet, the police brutally treated citizens at the same time?The level of civilization of our country is not much higher than that of other countries.Does talking nonsense make it look like you have hooks in your eyes, specializing in seeing the dark side of our beautiful socialist reality?Does it seem that you are too hypocritical, too rare, and too fussy?So it seems to have an epiphany, relieved... I can see that quite a few people, in their subconscious mind, already have some kind of brutal impulse to hit someone, but there is no legitimate reason or excuse yet.As for beating a thief, the reason is correspondingly sufficient, and the excuse seems justified... The reason why the laws of contemporary civilized society specifically stipulate the principle of humanity for prisoners (including death row prisoners, and of course suspects who have not yet been convicted of a crime) is also because jurists and social psychologists are concerned Few people have sensitively detected and thoroughly analyzed the savage impulse in the subconscious, and hope to successfully suppress it.The psychological history of this savage impulse is extremely long.It proves that human beings do have a bad instinct to entertain their own kind.This is something that humans are sometimes inferior to animals.And the most despicable thing about human beings is that they have to make reasons and find excuses for this.In a society where the dignity of the general people is not guaranteed, the subconscious of the general people almost inevitably curls up with a brutal impulse to knock someone to the ground and trample it.At certain times, under certain circumstances, as soon as someone raises their arms, they will immediately jump on anyone who is accused of being a thief, a hooligan, or a scoundrel, even if they know that the person accused of drinking is not really a bad person.Moreover, when we make a special observation of this phenomenon, we must find that some of them are themselves thieves, hooligans, and knaves... When I was in middle school, I read a eulogy on commemorating the "May 30th" tragedy.It seems to be written by Yu Dafu, but the memory is very vague.After decades, only one line of text remains in my mind - the skirts of the female students who died on the street were shackled up, their shorts were stripped off, and some of them were inserted into their pussies Branches and sticks... Don't just interpret my memory according to some Freudian theory.The more I grew up, the more I had another explanation for myself—that is, a teenager who couldn't understand it at the time, except for some heinous public enemies of the people, such as Hitler and Mussolini, except for Some demons in the world, such as some two-legged beasts that not only kill a lot of people but also torture people before killing people, and eat them after killing people, why are people so evil to people? ... When I was a teenager, I saw with my own eyes how some other children cruelly abused cats and dogs for entertainment... When I was a teenager, I saw with my own eyes how some teenagers manipulated an unclaimed drowned corpse as they pleased... During the "Cultural Revolution", when I was "connecting" in other places, I saw with my own eyes how some men stripped a woman's blouse in full view, and twisted a brand with insulting words on her nipples with thin wire ... In recent years, I have read more than once, or many times, from serious newspapers rather than deliberately sensational tabloids, how gangsters gang-raped young girls in broad daylight, how they beat and killed the weak to death, and the onlookers also It is the report of many "white faces"... At that moment, I really felt an indescribable terror all over my body.Not timidity but terror.It was not the ferocity of the faces that surrounded me that frightened me.Instead, something seems to emanate from their eyes and from their hearts, and it is dense and dense, weaving into an invisible thick and dense atmosphere... It makes me feel suffocated... Only when my pen is used to reflect the real life or living conditions of "common people" do I feel that writing has some meaning after all.When the pen "embroiders" others, writing is only for personal enjoyment. My personal experience is that, in 1993, before the turbulent flow against the river in Weiji, the chaos in China's financial sector was effectively rectified, before Jiang Zemin proposed anti-corruption in the name of the Party Central Committee, and before the Ministry of Public Security issued the "Strictly Controlled Police" Before the regulations, before the "white strips" in the hands of Chinese farmers can be fulfilled, and before the real estate development boom, stock boom, and special zone development boom are cleaned up, if you really go for a walk among ordinary people, especially those in the north It's not like going around among the common people in the south, if they regard you as someone they can trust, if they don't suspect that you are being raised by the powerful or bought by money, if they bluntly tell you that they are holding back If you want to say or even shout in your heart, then, no matter you are an official, a writer, or a reporter, no matter how high you think you stand, how far you see, how objective and comprehensive your understanding of the reality of China is No matter how accurate the overall understanding is, your views, your understanding, your views, and your thoughts will be smashed to pieces in a moment.Even if you think you are a very rational and calm person who is not affected by any external emotions. There is a considerable misunderstanding between reform and corruption, and it can also be said to be a rather large social "black hole".During a period of time, some gang literati and some gang theorists wrote many gang-style articles.Such articles always sing one tune in a nutshell - corruption is always inevitable in order to reform.As long as the common people express dissatisfaction with corruption, this tune will always be sung. For a period of time, the direct feeling of the common people was that it was clear that some people did not like to hear about corruption, they were not happy when they heard it, and they thought they wanted to ruin the scenery of reform.So the common people didn't bother to discuss it later, and showed a very confusing silence.Suffering silently, bearing the almost absurd rise in prices, bearing the insatiable progress of corruption, and wanton fear.Isn't it just asking the common people to accept it all?Then show you a little psychological endurance.Even today, the common people think that the most boring topic is probably the topic of corruption.The true thoughts of the common people—it seems that they want to go forward with corruption... Times have changed, cats have changed, dogs have changed, literature has changed, and novelists and poets have to change without changing.Those who were originally fighters, or who wanted to be fighters and were proud of being fighters, had no choice but to take the next best thing and become a warrior, or simply change from a warrior to a hermit.It is not so simple to be a modern hermit. Without a certain material basis, even if you are "hidden" and "scholar", you can't be chic.Therefore, it is justifiable for Xi Enfu to do other business or make his manuscript "in line with market demand". As for myself, now I seem to understand more and more-the essence of novels should be very ordinary, very ordinary, and very ordinary.In an era when even philosophy has become popular, the so-called sophistication of novels is either a show by writers or a boring and vulgar flattery of those who eat "comments".I have seen through such an illusion—the so-called writers who write literature for literature’s sake, in fact, do not exist today.Thinking that he is an enlightener of the masses or a Dou Tu who shoulders the mission of the times is naturally wishful thinking and very dignified.But it is just a ridiculous feeling to think that I have escaped this era superbly, that I have grown a pair of wings that seem to be endowed by God on my shoulders, and that I am flying freely in a clear literary sky free from worldly pollution. Since then I have believed in chance very much in many things. How many people's fate is determined by chance! In life, how many people are unknown just because there is no opportunity.Once Li has a chance, who can be sure that someone walking on the main road will not achieve success in some career?Let me say, people, create more opportunities for others!Sure enough, everyone is like this, and the opportunities for each of us are in it.Some people are struggling to pursue a certain career without success, sometimes it is not because of lack of talent, but because of lack of opportunity.Furthermore, the lack of some people who create opportunities for him or her.We create opportunities for others, more often than not at the expense of our own interests.why not?Just because of the mentality of "I can't, you can't think about it", ruining other people's once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, what a cursed behavior!Such behavior is too much in our life.With a little less, life will be better! There is a plot in a movie that moved me deeply and will never be forgotten. When the young Chopin first arrived in Paris, no one appreciated his musical talent.He had met George by chance, San--this was also chance.On the first day when George, San invited him into his salon, he invited many celebrities in the music industry and told them that the great musician Liszt would play piano music for them, but there was one condition, that is, they had to put out the candles to listen.In the dark, the sound of the piano intoxicated everyone.The sound of the piano stopped, and the applause started.George Sand walked to the piano with Liszt on his arm and holding a candle.Only then did people discover that the performer was not Liszt, but a strange young man.The candle held in the hand of the French woman writer illuminates the face of the future great musician. Liszt said: "This young man played very well! I admire his musical genius very much!" Maybe it's fiction.But it's beautiful!Good George Sand!Beautiful Liszt!Looking at the screen, I cried.From then on I loved George Sand, Liszt, and above all other works and other pieces.The love between George Sand and Chopin, for me, has also become a love that cannot be criticized by anyone... When they are old, boys always hope that a certain girl will no longer be their "educated youth sister", but become their wife.No one can stop this.Only between young men and women who are not attracted to each other can there be so-called pure friendship.This is a law about men and women.Hypocrites are trying to prove this law wrong. Whoever used despicable tricks, Huai will get the same amount of retribution.Whether to use or not to use intentions, this is the limit of whether to forgive or not. After research, young people's pushiness is probably due to the presence of girls.Just as peahens are not stimulated by bright colors when there are no female peahens, male peacocks are too lazy to screen.When only the young men were together, even the most showy young man didn't have much interest in showing off.On the contrary, when only the girls are together, even the girl who likes to dress up the most doesn't have much interest in dressing herself up.Showing off is really a special way for guys to "dress up" for girls. No matter who it is, if someone says something I don't agree with, no matter what the situation is, I will rise up and refute it, regardless of the consequences.This is another side of my nature.Show off the limelight with my love, complement each other, set off each other, and show the true self in a temperament. Now thirty-six years old, the age of showmanship has long passed, and the age of passion has passed together.From personal lessons, from the vulgarity of other pushy people, I realized that this vulgarity is really a great harm to a person, and I learned a little self-respect.People not only discover their own shortcomings from their own lessons, but also sum up the principles of how they should behave from the vulgarity of others.The age of forty is still full of confusion, just like a woman's menopause is infinitely extended.That's unfortunate. Just think about the accusation of "bad guy". For a good guy, it's a complete abuse.It's too easy to speculate on things like immorality, corruption, and messing with women.And it is impossible to redress the grievances of others. The literature of black humor and drama contains a lot of material and inspiration in the life of Chinese people, but how did it suddenly emerge in foreign countries?Isn't it a great regret for Chinese writers and dramatists?These people and these things gradually made me realize that Fudan University cannot satisfy my strong thirst for knowledge.What it can give me can only be another type of thing: joining the party, ideal distribution destination, and political stepping stones.How many pieces you want, how many pieces it can give you!But it needs an equal amount of "practical action" in exchange for it - in the late period of the "Cultural Revolution", almost all universities were like this. It takes courage to sell yourself.It takes a lot of courage to sell yourself outright. Fearless - it's actually a sense of self.Because I know very well that if my words and deeds are not careful, I will be "betrayed" worse than ever before. "Betrayal"—all kinds of "betrayal" among various people can no longer be explained by "moral character", which was an "epidemic" in that historical period.If analyzed under a special microscope, each of the tiniest viruses bears the political characteristics of that historical period. The psychology of us Chinese is really unpredictable.I think.Paint the women's legs so slender, so beautiful, so charming, and paint them with flesh colors, and paint the women's faces like the faces of seven or eight-year-old girls.So I put it in the book, press it under the glass plate, and "appreciate" it from time to time, so I can feel at ease.It seems that what is "admired" is a little girl, not a woman. They are all women's thighs, I think, if the head of the "white-haired girl" is replaced by the head of a foreign girl, I am afraid that row of calendar cards should belong to "feudalism" and be regarded as obscenity that can poison people something.This worker propaganda member would not "appreciate" the dozens of bare legs with interest in front of me.Dialectics is really everywhere. Probably no country in the world has created so many words specifically for women, and has so much detailed knowledge in describing women.For example, let's talk about a woman's smile. The descriptions in foreign literature are nothing more than laughing, smiling, sneering, beautiful smile, innocent smile, simple smile and so on.In Chinese literature, however, there are sweet smiles, gentle smiles, brilliant smiles, and flattering smiles. When you think about it, they really all lead the way.Foreigners describe women's bodies as high, low, fat and thin, at best, with "lines" and "sexy".In Chinese characters, in addition to "slender", there is also "elegant". In addition to "Graceful", there is also "Yaowan". In addition to "peeping", there are also categories such as "slim" and "graceful".There is also "beautiful and delicious", which means to swallow.I remembered secretly reading a copy of "Xiangyan Shichao" some time ago, and there are many such things as "nephrite and warm fragrance", "being turned red", "butterfly wave and bee madness", foreigners call it "making love", or bluntly Said "sleep".Just like what Ah Q said clearly to Wu Ma.But the Chinese call it "cloud and rain".How the hell did you figure it out!It can be seen that Chinese men have used a lot of brains on women since ancient times.It can be seen that since ancient times, I have always liked to pretend to be a gentleman, and then I thought of the worker propaganda team member who had summoned me twice.When he was appreciating the "White-haired Girl" calendar film, his eyes were a little flattering.If there were no women's thighs on the annual calendar, and the "supreme instruction" printed in imitation Song style or seal script style or "crazy grass", who knows if that revolutionary "sand" would be pressed under the glass plate, bowing his head from time to time" Is "appreciation" enough?Beer and spiced chicken heads cannot replace women.After drinking beer, I miss women more. I feel that there are many traps around me, and I cannot guard against them.My mind is constantly on the alert, it's so exhausting.Maybe it needs too much to lean in a woman's arms, too much needs a kind of warmth from a woman... At the age of twenty-six, it was the first time I clearly thought about a woman, and it was so painful to think about it!I regretted not leaning my head into a woman's arms a few years ago, so my thoughts were hazy. Courage that arises fastest is also the fastest to disappear.If any impulse cannot be turned into behavior, it is nothing more than a psychological instinct.There is no point other than to prove that you have this instinct. I feel so unfortunate being a woman.Not only have to be at the mercy of fate like men, but also suffer from childbirth.You have to be teased by "the age that doesn't know what to do with yourself". Then he felt sympathy for those female worker propaganda team members. In this small town, it is unusual for a foreigner to come to someone's home. Unusual things are often also considered abnormal.People in the small town must be taboo about this. Have you done anything wrong?did. When "criticizing Deng", a big-character poster was posted.Wrote three short "novels" about "anti-small producers".Not published.Wrote a "Anti-Literary Front 'Capitalist Roader' Novel", which was not finished.If the "Gang of Four" hadn't been smashed, the short stories would have been published and the novels would have been written.for what?in order to achieve.For what?In order to gain the favor of the kind of political power that I detest.Hate is real, and wanting to please is also real.I have had a warrior-like impulse to fight angrily, but most of the time I am afraid of harming myself, and maintain a little bit of personality with a cowardly despicable silence.What if the flattery succeeds?What if you get what you want?Would I join the ranks of “another kind of warrior” climbing the political ladder, getting stronger and stronger? ... "red flag"!No wonder there are soldiers defending with guns.Accumulating prejudices about the "Cultural Revolution", in my mind, it is another name for "Ministry of Culture and Justice".It is an authoritative publication representing the criminalization of painting culture and art by the "Party Central Committee" for a period of time.It has published a large number of articles criticizing "Hai Jui Dismissed from Office", criticizing "Yanshan Night Talk", criticizing "Shanghai Morning", and criticizing "Red Sun".All culture and art, and all well-known figures in the field of culture and art, have either become "reactionary" or "feudal" or "revisionist" after being grouped by it.This is a place that specifically made accusations during the "Cultural Revolution" and took the promotion of "burning books and burying Confucianism" as its mission!It not only convicts Chinese culture and art and people in the cultural and art circles, but also convicts foreign countries.For example, he has criticized Stanislavsky's artistic system and Chernivsky's "What to Do" eloquently. In an article praising Chinese modern ballet, he also criticized classical ballet. Balao was still in good health that year, and his steps were very steady when he walked.My impression is that he doesn't have many words, is approachable, and speaks very slowly, as if every sentence must be thought through.Although he was devastated during the "Cultural Revolution" and his reputation has not yet been publicly restored and rehabilitated, he is not complacent.From that "thinker" face, it is not difficult to see the inner perseverance and self-esteem. Like Teacher Ru Zhijuan, she loves and tolerates young people.hold no grudges.I think celebrities should adopt this attitude towards youth.This is a kind of cultivation of personality, and it is a very respectable quality.Of course, there is an exception for those who do things worthy of reflection and guilt without shame, even young people.In fact, ordinary people should also be good at forgiving and tolerant.Holding grudges is a very bad psychology.It means that when there is an opportunity, there will be revenge. I am not good at socializing, and I am afraid of disturbing others, so I am a bit reclusive.However, the care, help, and care of others for themselves, once, a little, are always in my heart, and I dare not forget them lightly.Whoever forgets is indifferent. Today's Chinese people seem to have become a "leisure class". Open your eyes and see how many people around us spend their energy and time on the social arena without hesitation.Unlike other foreigners, their communication is pure communication.Open your eyes wider and look around us, how many people are hiding all kinds of personal intentions under the cover of communication!In the past, someone was said to be a "social butterfly", specifically referring to women.Today, the male "social butterfly" in our country has sprung up like mushrooms after a spring rain.It can be said that all fronts are blooming.The kind of "friendship between gentlemen" advocated by our ancestors seems to be a bit "pedantic" in this era, while "friendship between villainous people" has become very fashionable.If you give it to me, you have to give me this kind of benefit.I give it to you, and I will repay you that favor.Everyone wants to take advantage of all kinds of benefits. How can so many benefits be evenly distributed among billions of people!Not enough points, and you can't print and distribute coupons, so whoever has the ability will get it!It may not be possible to get it by real skills, but it often takes no effort to get it by communication.The literary world should be a "pure land", but it is always tied to fame and fortune. The "love relationship" is constantly cut, and the "vulgar roots" are endless. It is inevitable that there will be pulling and pulling. fumigation.So I often think, just write novels honestly, if you can write it, write it, if you can't write it, let it go.Don't visit this one today and "visit" that one tomorrow.Become a habit, fall into the stream of male "social butterfly", that's not so good! My file is so simple, so simple that it puts me off.Primary school graduation appraisal, middle school graduation appraisal.All well written.In the graduation appraisal of middle school, there are actually such words as "responsibility for others, strict self-restraint", which is almost a compliment. I can't help but think, I hope this is also written in the eulogy after my death.The various appraisals in the seven years of the Great Northern Wilderness are also quite good, and there is no lack of praise.I suddenly felt strange, since I am so good, why not develop me into the party?Read page by page and article by article, and you can see something famous.There are two: disrespect for leadership.Politically immature.It is not easy to join the party with these two shortcomings!No wonder no wonder.It is just to disrespect leadership.In the old company, I quarreled with the company commander instructor.In the wood processing factory, I had a quarrel with the company commander instructor.When he was in the regiment, he contradicted the director of the political department, the deputy political commissar, and the chief of staff.I think this one will really have to work hard to correct it after I come to a new job. I don't agree with being politically immature.I am politically immature, can I just write a big-character poster "criticizing Deng" expressing my position?Politically immature, can you "struggle against the 'Gang of Four'"?Taking out the pen from the school bag, I have to change the word "no" into the word "very" by my temper.After measuring it a few times, I felt that the strokes were really difficult to change, so I gave up mourning. Rather, it is the soul that is with my body, because of some of my actions, some desires that did not become actions, some consciousness that did not become desires, some hazy bad impulses that did not even become consciousness, and Often feel ashamed. This soul never rests. One of the teachings my mother taught me since I was a child is "the first three legs are hard to kick".It means that when you arrive at a new place, a new unit, and among new comrades, you must especially be cautious in your words and deeds, so as to leave a good initial impression on people.Although my mother is an ordinary housewife and illiterate, she attaches great importance to our family education.I hope that when our children grow up, they will all be gentle, slow-spoken, and prudent in their affairs.The good young man she thinks is the type who "like a big girl".Before I was eighteen years old, the results of this kind of tutoring were particularly remarkable.Not only polite, but also "shy".After the age of eighteen, the imprint of this kind of tutoring began to blur and began to degenerate.Because my mother has no time to teach me anymore.Society has worked for the mother.The content of social education is quite different from that of family and school, and it is also more convincing than family and school education.Another way it adopts often stimulates my resistance.Both types of education have latent effects on me.I usually ask myself to be as polite as possible and treat others with courtesy.Once they resisted, they would "burst with anger", wishing that "there would be two corpses lying across, with blood splattered several feet".The out-and-out "Wrath of the Man".Fortunately, I am thin and have no boxing skills.Otherwise, there would probably have been a life lawsuit.These can only experience emotional fighting when watching Kung Fu movies. However, I think my mother's words to teach the sea are the most reasonable words. "The first three legs are hard to kick", so you have to "kick" well.一般说来，我每到一个新单位、新地方，“头三脚”总还是“踢”得可以的。一旦天长日久，免不了来次“头球”或者“倒钩”。那“球”多半都是朝领导们射去的，结果常常是好印象一脚“勾销”。谁有贰好耐性一年三百六十多天，天天地“温良恭让”？偶尔露一下“峥嵘”也是要得的。 对有才华的人、妒嫉是愚蠢的至于我自己，用解放前上海滩小报记者评论三四流这个“星”那个“星”的语言说——正很“走红”。然而我也忧郁，我也压抑，大有“兔死狐悲”的凄凉。因为我不可能终生扮演这个时代、这个社会的“歌手”或“鼓手”的角色。我一旦也对这个时代、这个社会皱皱眉、摇摇头，或者瞪瞪眼睛，说几句冷的、酸的、尖刻的话，哪怕这话是真的，也便会与辛欣“站在同一地乎线上”了，而一个作家，不，一个人，某些时对某些事，大抵总难免要皱皱眉，摇摇头，或者瞪瞪眼睛，也总难免要说些什么使某些人们不大受用的话的。达到了“采菊东篱下，悠然见南山”的境界，超脱则超脱矣，悠然则悠然矣，而往往也便在这种“超脱”和“悠然”中，不复是作家了！文坛从来不是佛殿。要想“超脱”倒莫如抛弃纸笔去数念珠，遁人空门为好。 当时你我还都不是青年作家，都属“文学青年”一类。我“迂”得可怜，你“狂”的非凡。我和你一样，都急切地要早日显示自己的能量。都不免感受到某种压制。 现今有种说法：一等智商者经商，二等智商者从政，三等智商者才从文。“文”的经济基础，在“倒爷”们之下；“文”的社会地位，在“政府官员”之下，因此某些干部子女，便经商，便从政。“三等智商”的，便往什么电影制片厂啦，电视台啦，以及其它与“文学艺术”有关的单位或部门挤。果有“文学艺术”才华的，自当别论。并无“文学艺术”细胞的，岂非授柄于人，传垢于世吗？且“文”假以权，权佐以“文”，结果必然是“文”腐蚀了权，权亵渎了“文”。那才是悲夫哉！我顶讨厌文学艺术领域内现今种种假权势而压“文”、而欺“文”的风气。 Lies are a vicious fission phenomenon of language.说一颗钮扣是一颗钻石，并欲使众人相信，就得编出一个专门经营此种“钻石”的珠宝店的牌号，就得进一步编出珠宝店所在的街道和老板或经理的姓名…… 我不是一个没有说过谎的人。但是，跨出复旦校门那一天，我在日记上曾写下过这样的话：“这些年，我认清了那么多虚伪的人，见过那么多虚伪的事，听过那么多谎话，自己也违心地说过那么多谎话。从此我要作一个诚实的人……” 我这“要作一个诚实的人”的人，在许多高等教育者面前，撤丁一次弥天大谎！ 一个毕业于名牌大学的青年，仅仅由于在某一个不正常的时期迈人了这所大学的校门，便如同私生子隐瞒自己的身世，在许多高等教育者面前隐瞒自己的“庐山真面目”，真是历史的悲哀！ 就个人心理来说，这是十分可鄙的。 但这绝非我自己一个“工农兵学员”的心理。这种心理，像不可见的溃疡，在我自己心中，也在不少“工农兵学员”心中繁殖着有害的菌类。对于一个国家的高等教育，又多么可悲！宛如太上老君的“炼丹炉”中倒出了“山碴丸”。 正直与否，这是一个人品质中最重要的一点。你的朋友们是你的镜子。你交往一些什么样的朋友，能“照”出你自己的品质来。我们常常是通过与朋友的品质的对比，认清了我们自己实际上是一个怎样的人……