Chapter 116 Morning starts at noon (3) - Create "Ordinary World Essays"

Extremely eager for a kind of warmth, longing for a kind of tenderness.The whole body was as stiff as a piece of ice.If you can’t write, you’re in pain; if you write smoothly, you’re ecstatic.In both cases, there is a need for comfort and consideration. Especially every Saturday evening, the hospital was empty.I often leaned in front of the window and looked at the family buildings on the other side of the river for a long time.Seeing the windows lit up layer by layer, imagine that inside each window, people and their families sit around and have dinner together, full of comfort and joy.Then, the curtains were drawn one by one, the lights went out one by one, and there was darkness.In the dark, my eyes burn.this is life.Since you have chosen a difficult path, you have to give up many good things in the world.

Letting out a long sigh, he sat back at the table and returned to the group of imaginary men and women.At such times, you describe their joys and sorrows, as if everything is your own personal experience and feelings.You will tell their stories with tears of sorrow or tears of happiness—no, in your view, this is not a story, but life itself.He let out a long sigh, and suddenly there was a train honking from a distance, and he couldn't help but stop writing, falling into some kind of reverie.This passionate voice seems to be a call.You will think of friends and relatives coming from afar to meet you, as well as the heart-wrenching anticipation and surprise of reunion on the platform.

One night in the middle of the night, when another train honked, I had already got up from my chair, and without thinking about anything, I stepped out the door silently and eagerly.I walked towards the train station in the freezing cold wind. The railway station is in name only.There are no passenger cars here, only coal trucks.Except for the mountain-like coal pile and a breathless train, there was no one around quietly.I stood beside the coal pile sadly and melancholy.I understand that I'm here to pick up someone imaginary.I also know that although this is absurd, it is certainly not insanity.I said to myself, "I forgive you."

Quietly, I wiped away the coldness from the corners of my eyes with my fingers, then turned around and walked back to my work room - there was still a mouse waiting for me.Finally going out of the mountain.Because New Year's Day is just around the corner.In that day when the old and the new changed, I had to go back for my dear daughter—in fact, this was the only reason.Saying goodbye to this coal mine and this workshop is both joyful and sad.Happily, I am finally leaving this tormenting place.The sad thing is that this place once carried out my most difficult and beloved work, which made me infinitely attached to it.This is farewell to hell, but also farewell to heaven.All in all, it will be a place that will never be forgotten.In the cold winter, I left here sitting in the front seat of an off-road vehicle, holding in my arms the first draft of more than 200,000 words written.Through the ground window, I saw the ice and snow outside, a desolation.I remember when I entered the mountain, it was still green and full of flowers.Everything disappeared quietly without being noticed, and many days did not bother to pay attention to the mutation of nature.No regrets, only sighs.Those past days were perhaps the most fulfilling days of my life.It should now be counted as a small triumph.

Back to the familiar city again.Everything is moving and dazzling, and there are people in a hurry or at a leisurely pace.Healthy young people, red-faced middle-aged people, and contented old people.A flood of traffic, a honeycomb of noise.The most eye-catching thing is the food and drink piled up in the shops on both sides of the street.Ping is living in the city, so he is not interested in those old non-staple foods, but for a person who has eaten cold steamed buns for many days, everything is delicious. In any case, cities are great symbols of human progress.It may be annoying to live in it for a long time, but once you leave it for too long, you are eager to return to its embrace.When you return to a big city after wandering in the wilderness for a long time, and you see its round gates from afar, you will feel a lot of warmth in your heart.Above all Lord, for better or for worse, this is your home.Thinking about seeing my dear daughter soon, my legs felt a little weak.

In just a few days of vacation (promulgated by myself), I was so excited that I didn't know what to do.First of all, I went to the crowd on the street and squeezed a few times. Walking aimlessly among the crowds on the street is also an uncommon hobby.Bustling and lively streets, no matter objects or people, will provide you with a lot of information, and give you a lot of inspiration and inspiration.Sometimes, after an article is finished and the topic is not satisfactory, I go to the street to "search", and there are often unexpected gains.Thinking about problems sometimes requires a change of environment.Most of the time, you need to be quiet, and sometimes you can concentrate more in the noisy environment, but you should be in an unfamiliar environment, and you must not be among a group of acquaintances, because once you fall into the abyss of thinking, it is often difficult to take care of worldly manners.I have offended quite a few decent gentlemen for this.Even in the office, when I am in the distress of writing, I often meet my peers and elders and forget to say hello, and I am rated as "proud"-God testifies, this is indeed an unintentional mistake.Next, it's time to make up for the affection owed to the child, so on the bed, on the floor, turn into a "horse" or "dog" with all fours on the ground, and let the child ride around in circles; or let the child ride on the neck , carrying her out for a stroll.Buy whatever the child wants-this is obviously reluctant to give up the way of education, but it cannot be restrained.

Soon after the Spring Festival, it entered a cycle of heaviness again.In the next few years, I never had such a long period of pure rest.The first draft is finally done.In its own right, this is a historic achievement.Looking at the large pile of manuscript paper on the table, I was very excited.Though it was only one-sixth the work of the whole book (two drafts each), the longest expedition ever undertaken, now at last ends a paragraph in this place.Copying and the second draft are a kind of "enjoyment" in a sense, although in terms of daily labor and working hours, it costs more than the first draft.This is mainly a kind of physical exertion, and the mental pressure is relatively less.When writing the first draft, there will always be an unknown blank in front of it. After writing today, I still don’t know what to write tomorrow.Right now, everything is grounded, it's just a matter of concentrating on making it better.The first draft does not pay attention to the quality of the writing, as long as you can recognize it. At that time, I was just recording thoughts in a hurry.The second draft is given strict attention to written form.This is the last process, which requires re-choosing words and sentences. Every paragraph, every sentence, every word, and every word must be carefully considered.In order to be able to find the most appropriate, the best and the most creative performance.Every word falling on a new manuscript paper should be like a nail hitting an iron plate.Write each word stroke by stroke, write slowly, write in a leisurely manner, and while writing, demonstrate again like lightning whether this word is the only word that should be used.If individual words and sentences need to be ticked off, the smeared places should be smeared into a uniform geometric figure to make it look pleasing to the eye.He cares about himself in all aspects and finds fault with himself.Typical formalism.But there is a spiritual requirement in it.The success of a building should not only be creative and imaginative in the big aspects as a whole, but also meticulous in every brick and tile, and try our best in any tiny place, and we must not deceive ourselves or others.The landlord who has been lazy, no matter how you cover it up, I believe readers will eventually recognize it.The whole copying work is closer to mechanical labor.There are always so many tasks every day.As soon as I finished eating at noon, I would copy at my desk.Continue after dinner until the wee hours of the morning.

In order not to be disturbed, I borrowed a room in the courtyard of the office that was left unused by others.The room is old-fashioned, it is said to have a history of 70 or 80 years. The heating in winter is not ventilated in summer, and the inside is rectangular. The lighting is very poor, and two lights have to be turned on during the day.Materials, books, and daily utensils are all in place, fixed, and it feels like a manual workshop.This place looks like a mess to others, but to me it is "orderly." When the hand is stiff when copying, stop and make a cup of coffee.With a blank mind and eyes facing the wall, drinking this cup of coffee slowly is the happiest moment of the day.A little boy from the neighbor came in to make trouble from time to time, and he didn't bother to pester him. He took two cubes of sugar every time in exchange for a few hours of peace.

In the early morning, when I came out of the work room, I was so tired that I bent over and hooked my back, and walked to the family building through the darkness.A tired sigh came out of his mouth involuntarily.Sometimes, standing in the silent courtyard, the emotion is very desolate.Thinking about two hours before the sky is bright, everyone is boiling, people will start a new day, but I will draw the curtains and fall into a death-like sleep. Yes, I have been completely out of the normal life law, feeling in the dark all the time.I long for the bright sun to shine on me. The physical strength is obviously exhausted. When going upstairs in the middle of the night, holding on to the railing, you have to rest at every corner before you can continue to go up.When you try to avoid all kinds of distractions so that you can devote yourself to your work, countless distractions will come to you automatically, making you restless.

The most frightening are those who are related to people.They are not busy and have enough time and energy to trouble you.You make up other people's stories here, and they make up your stories in the distant mountains and villages.It is said that my "official" has grown up and set up several posts for me. The velvet carpet is spread all the way to the gate of the office. I eat with gold bowls, silver spoons and ivory chopsticks. words.This is already the treatment of Queen Elizabeth II.Who among them could believe that I was huddled in a dilapidated house covered in a cotton blanket with my whole body sore and sore, sometimes I only had a makeshift meal a day, and I didn’t even have time to sleep?

So, they came to your door one after another, asking you to arrange a job, ask you for money, and ask you to write to so-and-so to solve such-and-such problems.I'm getting impatient, and sometimes I feel like going hysterical about them. Relatives, this word still makes people feel chills when it is mentioned.I once commented in Sun Shaoping's mouth in "The Ordinary World": "The friendship between people does not lie in whether they are relatives. Yes, when we were young, we often took the word relatives very differently. Beautiful and important. Once we grow up and start living on our own, we quickly learn that relatives are often vulgar; ; life will also teach you that relatives are often less sincere to you than friends." Perhaps these sentiments were extreme.I remember that the great Russian poet Pushkin had similar emotions about this in "Eugen Onegin".I imagine there will be arguments against this view, but surely there will be support for it.As a controversial topic for the time being, I leave it to readers to comment.Another kind of interference comes from the surrounding environment.To be honest, the literary circle has never been a good place to go.There is no wind and no waves here.If you have no achievements or skills, others will look down on you; if you are capable and successful, others will look down on you and disobey you.If you are lazy, others despise you; if you are diligent, you are criticized; if you walk fast, you are said to be arrogant; if you walk slowly, you are said to be old-fashioned.From time to time, you will hear someone encouraging results.But once you really get results, don't think about peace.There are writers here, as well as politicians and bums.If you do nothing, you may live in peace for a lifetime and you may reap melons if you sow beans.One of the most interesting phenomena in such an institution is that the children are the busiest, going to bed late and getting up early, and diligent in their homework; Green tea is drunk from morning till night. If you try to "become famous and start a family", there will inevitably be undercurrents surging, which will make you mess up.These conflicts are a natural phenomenon because people's perceptions of life vary widely.Although this is not the case in all literary circles, it is not an exaggeration.Although the sound of guns and guns cannot be heard in these places, there are many "invisible fronts".There is no doubt that our country's literary system also needs profound reform.This is of course a later story. In the situation at the time, I was powerless to react to everything.In order to complete the work, even if there is a shit bowl on your head, just pretend that nothing happened.I am a firm believer that life will ultimately judge right from wrong. 31 But the greatest pressure still comes from the literary situation.I know that our country's literature is reaching a climax moment of refurbishment.Its changes are unprecedented.Literary theory is still "bigger" than literary creation.Many review articles repeatedly talk about a certain short or novel, with similar points of view. Many people are angrily criticizing the elderly members of the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences. Why do they ignore these achievements of contemporary Chinese literature? So, I found some masterpieces of these works and took the time to look through them.There are indeed some very unusual performances.But it is undoubtedly compared with Western and Latin American modernist masters such as Kafka, Joyce, Faulkner, Hemingway, Simon, Serra, Burr, Lenz, Xinger, Burle Hess, Marquez, Llosa, etc. There is still a considerable distance to go beyond.However, we must face up to the reality of the development of Chinese literature.As a writer, you must not treat various literary viewpoints and creations narrowly, but must analyze and think carefully.Only by seeing your environment clearly can it be possible to see yourself clearly.Others are not unique, and neither are you. The problem is back to the old place before writing-you can only do your own work in your own way.Of course, this enormous pressure is quite harsh.You feel that you are completely left in a dark place that no one knows, and it seems that you are not only working in a classical way, but you have also become a buried cultural relic.This dark workshop is the symbol.Just a few spider webs away. Fortunately, the first part is all finished. Temporarily clean up the desktop completely, leaving only twenty manuscript papers there. Quietly smoked cigarettes all afternoon, drank many cups of coffee non-stop, and then came to the Huancheng Park under the ancient city wall alone in the twilight.Looking at the lights all over the city, I thought about many things.Past, present, present, future; other people's; family, personal; society, country, world.Only at this time can I completely leave the work and think about other things.At the same time, I thought that I should spend a whole day shopping for some clothes, buying some decent daily necessities, and dressing myself up.For more than a year, all life has been improvised, and there is no time to buy a change of shirts.Not exactly relaxed. No.Far from it.More serious problems lie ahead. According to the cultural situation at that time, the release and publication of this book was very problematic.The first choice is of course because this book is basically expressed in the so-called "traditional" way, which goes against the literary trend of the time; ordinary journals and publishing houses are all eager for trendy works, and will not be interested in such works.In addition, there are three parts in the whole book, and this is the first part. Who knows what the next two parts will look like? Regarding this point, to be honest, even I am not at ease, how can I trust others?More importantly, the whole book will have one million words, such a huge number is a heavy burden for any publishing unit (especially magazines).Some magazines and publishers have been evasive, which I can totally understand. Probably because I was the author and still have a certain degree of trustworthiness, the problem was solved smoothly.I am still deeply grateful to Mr. She Wangxin, the deputy editor-in-chief of "Flower City" magazine at that time, and Ms. Li Jinyu from the China Federation of Literary and Art Publishing Company. They took the manuscript with enthusiasm and generosity, and made it available. Meet readers in time.The situation after the publication and post-publication of the first part is as I expected.Literary and critical circles could not possibly have paid more attention.Apart from the literary situation at that time, there is another important reason, as mentioned above, because this is the first part of the whole book, it is impossible to fully unfold it, let alone a huge climax.Reservations from critics are natural.However, there were still some important critics in our country who gave very warm and pertinent comments to the first film.Here I mainly point out three people in Beijing, they are Cai Kui, Zhu Zhai and Zeng Zhennan.Cai Kui is an expert who mainly studies contemporary novels in my country. He may consider a work based on a complete grasp of the background of Chinese novels.Therefore, his opinion is very important.He paid attention to the creation of this novel from beginning to end, and gave me a lot of encouragement and care.Such help was invaluable to me under the circumstances.Zhu Zhai is a very accomplished and experienced literary critic of the older generation.From the beginning of the novella, he gave me a very deep understanding and evaluation of my creation.He and Cai Kui started "Ordinary World" together and did his best to get some kind of recognition, which is something I will never forget.Zeng Zhennan, another prominent critic at the time, had a very thorough understanding of this book and wrote an important critical article on the first part.His analysis and criticism are convincing.Thanks to the understanding of several important contemporary critics of our country, I did not lose confidence in the cold.Of course, on the whole, the book is still neglected.Some friends, including some, have indescribable doubts about me, and I can fully feel this. I am calm.Because I didn't have much hope.And the situation in front of me; it can't be regarded as a failure.Most importantly, I am very clear in my heart that some of the questions about the first part are exactly what I will solve in the second and third parts.I can't ask others to wait patiently for my work, but I am patient and ready to solve many problems. In this way, there is a sense of urgency, and I am eager to devote myself to the following work.I think I can offer the discerning critics something better than the first one. Objectively speaking, although I have tried my best in the first film, it is still a product of inexperience, and there are many regrets and even clumsiness in many places.In addition, according to the principle of the old Toltoy, the first book I show moderation.It now appears that although he did not meet the expectations of the critics, he has brought great benefits to my description and development below.In my heart, the three parts are already a unity, and I have seen the whole picture of the book.Therefore, the opinions of the critics should not be overly concerned, they are only expressing their opinions on the current first part. In short, the release and publication of the first part did not bring me any great joy, nor did I feel that I had suffered a huge blow.It only brought more stimulation, and prompted me to devote myself to the following work with a fuller mental state. I urgently, but lately, carefully began to re-examine the content of the second and third parts.Many previously painstakingly worked out and very satisfactory constructions were pulled down without hesitation.Some rivers were diverted to new beds, or even redirected entirely.Some elements have obviously become a pile of waste, and new vacancies need to be filled immediately. As for some of the great reproaches that some of the reviews have thrown at me from the beginning until later, they still haven't convinced me.Since I am busy with my own creation, I don't have the energy to "argue" with them, so I can only let them talk. With me, I may talk about my understanding at that time on one or two main issues. Since then, some critics have mainly blamed me on the so-called "return to the land".The usual theory is that I let (?) Gao Jialin finally land on the land again, and let him grab two handfuls of loess, moaning in pain and shouting "My newcomer..." From this, I came to the conclusion, saying I had a rebel reconverted to the old life, said I had a "land love complex", said I didn't cut the umbilical cord of the old ideas, etc.The first one should figure out who made the Gao Jialins have to go back to the starting point after going through so much torture or self-torture? It is the historical and practical reasons of life, not Lu Yao.The author is only trying to truly record what happened in a specific social and historical environment, and has no intention (and it is impossible) to solve the problem according to his own imagination.This question should likewise be answered by an evolving life.The author sincerely described life, did not have "extraordinary falsehoods", and at the same time expressed his own understanding of life in an uninspired manner. All this is enough. Not only I cannot answer Gao Jialin's life at that time, I am afraid that politicians will also There may not be a clever answer. It is certainly easy to talk about Gao Jialin’s question today. Even the aunt who sells vegetables on the street knows that he may not necessarily return to the land—why put on an afterthought Solemnly “point out” with the posture. If the works are demonstrated in this way, all writers except fantasy novelists belong to the “old concept”. In addition, although Gao Jialin returned to the land of his hometown (it was forced at the time), I did not say that he should be a farmer on this land forever.The novel is over, but Gao Jialin's life path does not end at the end of the novel; and for this reason, I specially marked the words "not the end" in the last chapter. As for Gao Jialin's last painful cry, it is the true expression of the character in a specific environment and mood.First of all, we should not discuss whether there should be such a cry, but should discuss whether this cry is an expression of true feelings or a fake hypocrisy.In fact, this shout contains many complex thoughts and emotions of the characters, which is not as simple as some paranoid critics have seen conceptually; ordinary readers can appreciate the unspeakable secrets of the protagonist. To put it another way, why should Gao Jialin have a so-called "earth love complex"?Even though this land gave him pain, he was raised by this land after all, not to mention there are people who love him here, and there are people he loves.Even if he wanted to fly away and fail, why did he have to curse the land?If so, the person is a psychopath, not a normal person.It is impossible for anyone born in the land to fight against the land decisively.I think that even if Gao Jialin really went to the United Nations, he would not break up with Gaojia Village mentally. This leads to another topic, how to treat the land—or how to treat the working people living on the land. Yes, we will eventually completely change the backward production methods and lifestyles in the vast rural areas of our country, change backward life concepts and outdated customs, and fill in the gaps between urban and rural areas.It is such a great goal that we are striving for today.This is also the goal of all mankind. However, don't forget that in this huge historical process, we will also pay a huge price, which includes that we will have to abandon many things we once cherished.This is where our eternal pain lies. Human beings are often obsessed with the past, while firmly moving toward the future, and are always at the boundary where the past and the future intersect.Loss and joy coexist.In particular, the relationship between humans and the land is like the relationship between children and parents.Children may one day leave their parents and become parents themselves, but they will never be completely cut off from each other in terms of emotional connection. From this point of view, don’t try to use simple theories and concepts to arbitrarily judge this kind of relationship. Whether the relationship is "progressive" or "backward". So, when history asks us to go to the other shore of a new life, should we bid farewell to the "old land" of life or ruthlessly cut it off? This is the proposition of the Russian writer Rasputin, and it is also my proposition. Philosophical judgment is one thing, artistic feeling is another.The artist's feelings may contain the philosopher's judgment, but the philosopher's judgment may not necessarily include the artist's feeling.The conflict between reason and emotion is also forming the eternal theme of art.Rasputin once wrote "Farewell to Horse Reef", which reveals this painful and passionate proposition.All my novels up to now may perhaps be included in this general theme. Chapter 30 of the sixth volume of "The Ordinary World" can be regarded as a small "specific" that I wrote specifically for this from one side. The unfortunate rural problems of our country are historically formed; ancient history and modern and contemporary history.Politicians, philosophers, and economists can rationally face "problems" directly, while writers and artists face the real world of people and their emotions.There is no doubt that the vast backward countryside is a heavy burden for China to move towards the future. However, this responsibility should be borne by history, not the people who lived in it.Simply put, wouldn't they want to live a little better like city folk?If fate sends them to be born in the city and arranges the current urban residents to the countryside, what will happen in reality?Urbanites have no right to accuse ruralites of holding them back.As far as our country is concerned, in a sense, if there is no vast countryside, there will be no such limited prosperity in the current cities. To zoom in a little bit, isn't the entire third world (including China) the global "rural village"?Therefore, it is necessary to reach a consensus of the whole society: the problems in the countryside are also the problems in the cities, and they are our common problems. In this way, from an emotional point of view, the vast number of "rural people" are our brothers and sisters, and we can understand their plight and pain from the heart, instead of accusing or even mocking and smearing them with superiority and joy—like some Developed countries treat underdeveloped countries the same way. As the son of a peasant by blood, it is for the above reasons that I am full of anxious concern for the fate of Chinese peasants.I pay more attention to their hardships and pains in the process of moving towards a new life, rather than just the great joy after reaching the other shore.At the same time, I believe that the "advanced" literature is not because it describes "advanced" life, but because it accurately and profoundly describes human activities in a specific historical process.Developed countries do not necessarily have developed literature, and literature in backward countries does not necessarily mean backward—Latin America can testify again. We have seen that some works with new conceptualization or theoretical tendencies have emerged, and have won high praise from some new theoretical "authorities".Some critics have disregarded what life actually is like, and instead look at whether the work conforms to the theoretical concepts they preach.So, we can only see some new "Gao Daquan" again - "Gao Daquan" wearing a denim jacket or "Gao Daquan" wearing a Taoist robe, or "Gao Daquan" who can never draw a circle ". What is the life of different people in a specific historical and social environment is exactly what literature should explore.Their similar or different thoughts, desires, behaviors, psychology, feelings, passions, joys, sinkings, pains, limitations, flaws; their conflicts with the social or natural environment; their conflicts with other people around them; their own conflicts; etc.We will find that there are not many heinous villains, but there are almost no "perfect people".That's what people are in real life.It is impossible for them to transcend the limitations of history, social reality and individuals. Because of this, the Gao Jialins we were talking about at the time could only be like that, and not what some critics demanded.In the future, neither because of writers nor critics, but because of the development of social life, thousands of Gao Jialin will leave the land, and may never return, but I can say with certainty However, the relationship between most of them and the land can still only be a regretful farewell rather than a merciless severance.Before the writing of the second part begins, according to the new "inevitable" structural adjustment, new materials need to be supplemented.The first is the environment of the university, because this part is about university life.Although I have also lived in college and am familiar with the general situation during it, it is more convenient to have a relatively definite environment in order to specifically enter into artistic description.Decided to interview Northwestern Polytechnical University.The nature of this university is basically the same as that of the university that Sun Lanxiang will attend - a professional university related to aerospace.If there is no time limit, I plan to go to the National Satellite Launch Center in Xichang, Sichuan or Jiuquan, Gansu to interview with the intern students.With the help of a group of male and female college students, I tried my best to get familiar with the basic situation of this university in a short period of time.Teaching, daily life, course arrangement, orientation, pattern, distance between various places, the whole process of activities 24 hours a day, etc.Then exchange ideas with them, involving study, life, ideals, love and various issues about their reality and future.Put all the searched materials in the notebook, including the class schedule and meal schedule.With the original information, a material bag about the university situation was immediately established.I didn't end this tense interview until I felt free to describe the environment and life here.Another painful issue is that the second part will directly earn the life of the provincial party secretary from the beginning.I have only had superficial contact with leading cadres at this level before, and there are very few people who have deep acquaintances, or basically none.I am more familiar with the leading figures at all levels in prefectures, counties, townships and rural areas.The general life of leaders at the level of the provincial party committee has become quite "mysterious" to the public.I can "design" the usual work and social activity environment for them, but I cannot solve their family environment and daily life by imagination. We must find a way to visit at least one such family, so as to have an emotional basis when describing them. The provincial party committee compound is heavily guarded, how could an ordinary person casually "drop in"?But I must drop by this time.If you can't step into the house directly, you have to use the "agent" method to carry out this "spying".Of course, try to avoid any "immoral" behavior.Immediately began to look for acquaintances on the periphery that could lead to this compound. Finally, I found a lady in the literary circle. She was very close to the family of the secretary of the provincial party committee because of her parents.I know the secretary of the provincial party committee, but I don't know him very well. You can't make an appointment head-on. In this way, he will "fix" you in his living room, and you don't have any problems for him to solve, which will not achieve the purpose of getting familiar with his family environment.In the end, the lady came up with the idea that when the provincial party committee secretary and his family were out and only the nanny was left, we could pretend to be looking for the provincial party committee secretary and take the opportunity to "walk" around his house.good idea.So, as soon as this opportunity came, I "sneaked" into the "first family" in the province with her, and started this "thrilling" "in-depth life" activity. Everything is going smooth.As an acquaintance and frequent visitor of the provincial party secretary's house, the lady trusted the nanny to lead us to "visit" every nook and cranny of the family, and asked her many details about the family's daily life. Estimated that when the master was about to go home, we slipped out quietly.Two lines of Mao Zedong's poem could not help popping up in my heart: Nothing is difficult in the world, as long as you are willing to climb it. The writing of the first draft of the second part began immediately. This time I changed places and went to work in a very remote small county in the hinterland of the Loess Plateau.It is the dog days, but the climate here is particularly cool.I found a small earthen cave dwelling in a corner of the courtyard of the County Armed Forces Department. The shade was so shady that it was a bit irritating to the skin, and I had to light a stove for an hour every day.The natural stove of the three volts is a miracle—— But it is true.The work rules have been basically established when I wrote the first part, and many aspects of the habit have become natural, so I don't need to bother about some small things in form. The mental state is extremely tense.Because I realized that the second part is crucial to the whole book.Both physical strength and spirit are trying to make it run to the limit, it seems like a greedy and inhumane boss is squeezing his employees, trying to squeeze out the last drop of blood and sweat from him.From a grand strategic point of view, the middle part of any combat process is the most difficult and also the most important.It is the key to victory or defeat.For example, in football games, the most difficult competition is also in the midfield.In modern football, almost all teams put their main strength in the midfield.If the midfield part is weak, then the striker will often fail to seize the chance to win even if he has a talented performance. It is a phenomenon in long-volume novels that there is a particularly brilliant opening and a magnificent ending, but the middle part does not achieve the same result, which will largely bring unspeakable regret to the readers.I personally feel that the genius writer Sholokhov seems to have this kind of dissatisfaction. Regardless of whether it can achieve its goal, I realize that for "Ordinary World", the second part is a bridge, but it cannot be a transition.It should have the widest possible conflict on the front, and some characters should basically complete their "portraits" even in the second part.The relationship between the characters and the psychological conflicts of the characters themselves are intertwined on a large scale, which is a bit of a "battle" in nature.It's as if a person has set up a lot of chess pieces, and keeps switching roles and positions to play these pieces.In the chaos, you have to keep a clear mind and a strong will to proceed.精心地组织“混乱”。审慎地挽结并梳理网结。在大片的刈割中细致地“捡漏”。悉心地拦蓄后又瓷意汪洋般放脱。在一些令人望而生畏的地方以更大的勇气投入。在一些上下都平坦的道路上故意为自己投置似乎不可逾越的障碍。之后，经过巨大繁复劳动和精神折磨仍然能穿过去的地方，就可能取得较为满意的成果。 体力在迅速下降，有时候累得连头也抬不起来。抽烟太多，胸脯隐隐作疼。眼睛发炎一直未好，痛苦不堪。 想到了锻炼。方式却过分极端，每天下午晚饭后去爬城对面那座最高的山，而且不走正路，专门寻找了一条羊肠小道。山路崎岖，攀登相当吃力。这山被茂密丛林覆盖，也没有农田，大热天不会有任何人出现在这里。于是一到半山腰的树丛中，就脱得赤条条只穿一件裤衩，像非洲丛林里的土著生蕃。爬上山顶最高处的那一方平台，先抽一支烟，透过小树林望一会儿县城街道上蚁群般走动的人，然后做一套自编的“体操”。如果当时有人发现太阳西沉的时候，此地有个赤身裸体的家伙做出一些张牙舞爪的动作，一定会大吃一惊。 下山回到宿舍，用先备好的一桶凉水冲洗完身子，再开始工作。这种锻炼方式在当时体力不支的情况下，是十分有害的，它实际上加速了体力的崩溃。如此极端锻炼身体的方法是过去从少年毛泽东那里受到的启发。记得十几岁时，就曾在暴雨雷电中一个人爬上山让瓢泼大雨淋过自己，雷声和闪电几乎就在咫尺之间；也曾冒险从山顶几乎不择道路地狼奔豕窜冲下来，以锻炼在危难瞬间思维和行动的敏捷与谐调，或者说选择生存的本领。没想到十几年后竟然又作了这样一次类似的“少年狂”。第二部的初稿是在精神、精力最为饱满的状态下完成的。这是一次消耗战。尤其对体力来说，几乎动用了所有的“库存”。自我感觉要比第一部好。这是一个很大的安慰。这时候，才感到踏入了创作生涯的一个新阶段。对自己的笼罩真正散淡下来，似乎已是一个遥远的事件。 身体的变化是十分明显的。不用照镜子也知道苍老了许多。走路的速度力不从心；饭量也减少了不少。右边的眼睛仍然在发炎，难受得令人发狂。医生认为是思维长期集中焦虑而造成的，建议我停止工作和阅读。无法接受这个忠告。 倏忽间明白，所谓的“青年时代”就在这瞬间不知不觉地永远结束了。想起了叶赛宁伤感的诗句：“不惋惜，不呼唤，我也不啼哭；金黄色的落叶堆满我心间，我已经再不是青春少年……”突然接到中国作家协会的通知，让我三四月间出访西德。这期间正是我准备休整的空档时间，因此很乐意进行这个别致的活动。这是我第一次走出国内，因此有许多个人的“第一次”——比如第一次穿西装等等。 四德的访问使我大开眼界，感觉似乎置身于另外一个星球的生活。思维的许多疆界被打破了，二十多天里，几乎跑了所有重要的大城市和一些著名的小地方，并且穿过冷战时期东西的界标“柏林墙”到东柏林去玩了一天。 作为一个有独立人生观的人，我对所看到的一切都并不惊讶。我竭力在这个陌生的世界里寻找与我熟悉的那个世界的不同点和相同点，尤其是人性方面。 一切都是这样好，这样舒适惬意。但我想念中国，想念黄土高原，想念我生活的那个贫困世界里的人们。即使世界上有许多天堂，我也愿在中国当一名乞丐直至葬入它的土地。 在异邦公园般美丽的国土上，我仍在思考我的遥远的平凡世界里的那些衣衫褴褛的人物，甚至好笑地想象，如果让孙玉亭或王满银走在汉堡的大街上会是一种什么状态？ 二十多天的访问已足够了。我急迫地想回去进行第二部第二稿的工作，其心情就像外出的妇女听见了自己吃奶孩子的啼哭声。是的，没有什么比我的工作更重要。 有件事值得一提，就是我在慕尼黑奥林匹克体育中心观看了一场十分精彩的足球比赛。我曾热爱的球星鲁梅尼格（他当时效力拜仁慕尼黑队）也上了场，并且给对手纽伦堡队的大门送进去第一个球。在法兰克福一下飞机，我就向德方陪同人员提出看一场足球赛，他们热情周到地满足了我的这个愿望。至今想起这场球赛都使我激动不已。在一切体育运动中，我只对高水平的足球比赛心醉神迷。它是人类力量和智慧的最美好的体现。它是诗，是哲学，是一种人生与命运的搏击。访问结束，从北京一下飞机，听见满街嘈唠的中国话，我的眼泪就在眼眶里旋转。走了全世界最富足的地方，但我却更爱贫穷的中国。原来打算从北京直接坐飞机到延安，而且想直接走到某个山村的土窑洞里，以体验一下从“天堂”突然降落到“地狱”的感受，但因西安家中有事，这点“罗曼谛克”的想法未能实现。又回到了机关院内那间黑暗的“牢房”，开始第二部第二稿的工作。为了得到一些自然光线，一整天都大开着门。 激奋与凄苦交织在一起。 对待息的工作，不仅严肃，而且苛求。一种深远的动力来自对往事的回忆与检讨。时不时想起青少年时期那些支离破碎的生活，那些盲目狂热情绪支配下的荒唐行为，那些迷离失落的伤感和对未来的涉茫无知。一切都似乎并不遥远，就发生在昨天。而眼下却能充满责任感与使命感，从事一种与千百万人有关系的工作，这是多么值得庆幸。因此，必须紧张地抓住生命黄金段落中的一分一秒，而不管要付出什么样的代价，现在我已全然明白，像我这样出身卑微的人，在人生之旅中，如果走错一步或错过一次机会，就可能一钱不值地被黄土埋盖；要么，就可能在瞬息万变的社会浪潮中成为无足轻重的牺牲品。生活拯救了我，就要知恩而报，不辜负它的厚爱。要格外珍视自己的工作和劳动。你一无所有走到今天，为了生活慷概的馈赠，即使在努力中随时倒下也义无反顾。你没有继承谁的坛坛罐罐，迄今为止的一切都是靠自己的劳动所获。应该为此而欣慰。 为了这所有的一切，每一天走向那个黑暗可怕的“作坊”，都应保持不可变更的状态：庄严的时刻就在今天。 我的难言的凄苦在于基本放弃了常人的生活。没有星期天，没有节假日，不能陪孩子去公园，连听一段音乐的时间都被剥夺了，更不要说上剧院或电影院。每逢星期天或节假日。机关院子里空无一人，在这昏暗的房间里像被抛弃了似的龟缩在桌前，毫无意识之中，眼睛就不由潮湿起来。 除过劳累，仍然存在一个饥饿问题。没想到在煤矿没啥可吃，回到城里工作还是没啥可吃。不是城里没有吃的—— 吃的到处都是。主要是没有时间正点吃饭。生活基本得靠自己料理。有时一天只吃一顿饭，而且常常拖在晚上十点钟左右（再迟一点夜市就关闭了）。 在西安当年大差市那一大片夜市上，许多卖吃喝的小摊贩都认识我。我不止一次吃遍几乎所有能吃的小摊子，只是人们不知道我是干什么的。我想，从外貌上和那种狼吞虎咽的吃相，他们大概会判断我是蹬三轮车的师傅。吃这些饭花钱不少，但绝不是一种享受。尤其是卫生，那简直不能提说，每次都是睁一只眼闭一只眼赶紧吞咽完。时至今日，我从很远的地方看见夜市，就想呕吐。 有时候，因为顺利或者困难，不知不觉就到了夜间十二点钟。夜市去不成了，又无处寻觅吃的东西，只好硬着头皮到没有入睡的同事家里要两个冷馍一根大葱，凑合着算吃了一顿饭，其狼狈如同我书中流落失魄的王满银。 顺便说一说，我吃饭从不讲究，饮食习惯和一个农民差不多。我喜欢吃故乡农村的家常便饭，一听见吃宴会就感到是一种负担，那些山珍海味如同嚼蜡，还得陪众人浪费很长时间。对我来说，最好能在半小时以内吃完一顿饭。有时不得不陪外宾和外地客人上宴会，回来后总得设搞点馍或面条才能填饱肚子。但我也有一些“洋爱好”，比如喝咖啡就是一例，消费观念是顺其自然，完全根据自己的实际需要，从不刻意计算攀比。可以用一百元钱买，一条高级香烟供“关键”的几天抽，也可以用五十元钱买一件仿羊皮夹克穿几个冬天——当然，从没有人相信我身上的皮夹克会是假的。 第二部完全结束，我也完全倒下了。身体状况不是一般地失去弹性，而是弹簧整个地被扯断。 其实在最后的阶段，我已经力不从心，抄改稿子时，像个垂危病人半躺在桌面上，斜着身子勉强用笔在写。几乎不是用体力工作，而纯粹靠一种精神力量在苟延残喘。 稿子完成的当天，我感到身上再也没有一点劲了，只有腿、膝盖还稍微有点力量，于是，就跪在地板上把散乱的稿页和材料收拾起来。终于完全倒下了。身体软弱得像一摊泥。最痛苦的是每吸进一口气都特别艰难，要动员身体全部残存的力量。在任何地方，只要坐一下，就睡着了。有时去门房取报或在院子晒太阳就鼾声如雷地睡了过去。坐在沙发上一边喝水一边打盹，脸被水杯碰开一道血口子。我不知自己患了什么病。其实，后来我才知道，如果一个人三天不吃饭一直在火车站扛麻贷，谁都可能得这种病。这是无节制的拼命工作所导致的自然结果。 开始求医看病。中医认为是“虚”，听起来很有道理。虚症要补。于是，人参、蛤蚧、黄芪等等名贵补药都用上了。 三伏天的西安，气温常常在三十五度以上，天热得像火炉一般，但我还要在工作间插起电炉子熬中药。身上的汗水像流水一样。工作间立刻变成了病房。几天前，这里还是一片紧张的工作气氛，现在，一个人汗流浃背默守在电炉旁为自己熬中药。病，热，时不时有失去知觉的征候。 几十副药吃下去，非但不顶事，结果喉咙肿得连水也咽不下去。胸腔里憋了无数的痰却连一丝也吐不出来。一天二十四小时痛苦得无法入睡，既吸不进去气，又吐不出来痰，有时折磨得在地上滚来滚去而无一点办法。 内心产生了某种惊慌。根据过去的经验，我对极度身体疲劳总是掉以轻心。以前也有过类似的情况，每写完一个较长的作品，就像害了一场大病；不过，彻底休息一段时间也就恢复了。原想这次也一样，一两个月以后，我就可以投入第三部的工作。现在看来，情况相当不妙。 把的希望都寄托在医生的身上。过很少去医院看病，即使重感冒也不常吃药，主要靠自身的力量抵抗。现在不敢再耍二杆子，全神贯注地熬药、吃药，就像全神贯写作一样。 过去重视医药，现在却对医药产生了一种迷信，不管顶事不顶事，喝下去一碗汤药，心里就得到一种安慰；然后闭目杨象吃进去的药在体内怎样开始和疾病搏斗。 但是，药越吃病越重。 一个更大的疑惑占据了心间：是否得了不治之症？ 我第一次严肃地想到了死亡。我看见，死亡的阴影正从天边铺过。我怀着无限惊讶凝视着这一片阴云。我从未意识到生命在这种时候就可能结束。 迄今为止，我已经有过几次死亡的体验，但那却是在十分早远的年间，基本像一个恍恍的梦境一般被蓬勃成长的生命抹去了，好像什么也没有发生。 最早的两次都在童年。第一次好像在三岁左右，我发高烧现在看来肯定到了四十度。我年轻而无知的父母不可能去看医生，而叫来邻村一个“著名”的巫婆。在那个年龄，我不可能对整个事件留下完整的记忆。我只记得曾有一只由光线构成的五颜六色的大公鸡，在我们家土窑洞的墙壁上跑来跑去；后来便什么也没有看见，没有听见，只感到向一种无边无际的黑暗中跌落。令人惊奇的是，当时就想到这里去死——我肯定这样想过，并且理解了什么是死。但是，后来我又奇迹般活了，不久就将一切忘得一干二净。这件事唯一的后果就是那个巫婆更加“著名”了，并且成了我的“保锁”人——类似西方的“教母”。 第二次是五岁或六岁的时候。那时我已经开始了农村孩子的第一堂课——劳动。我们那地方最缺柴饶，因此我的主要作业就是上山砍柴，并且小小年纪就出手不凡（后来我成为我伯父村上砍柴的第一把好手），为母亲在院子里积垒下小小一垛柴禾。母亲舍不得烧掉这些柴，将它像工艺品一样细心地码在院畔的显眼处，逢人总要指着柴垛夸耀半天，当然也会得到观赏者的称赞。我在虚荣心的驱使下，竟然跟一群大孩子到离村五里路的大山里去逞了一回能。结果，由于这种年龄还不能在复杂陡峭的地形中完满地平衡身体的重心，就从山顶的一个悬崖上滑脱，向深沟里跌了下去。我记得跌落的过程相当漫长，说明很有一些高度，并且感到身体翻滚时像飞动的车轮般急速。这期间，我唯一来得及想到的就是死。结果，又奇迹般地活下来了。我恰好跌落在一个草窝里，而两面就是两个深不可测的山水窖。 后来的一次“死亡”其实不过是青春期的一次游戏罢了。那时，我曾因生活前途的一时茫然加上失恋，就准备在家乡的一个水潭中跳水自杀。结果在月光下走到水边的时候，不仅没有跳下去，反而在内心唤起了一种对生活更加深沉的爱恋。最后轻松地折转身，索性摸到一个老光棍的瓜地里，偷着吃了好几个甜瓜。想不到几十年后的今天，我却真正地面对这件事了。 die!当它真正君临人头顶的时候，人才会非常逼近地思考这个问题。这时候，所有的人都可能变成哲学家和诗人——诗人在伤感地吟唱生命的恋歌，哲学家却理智地说，这是自然法则的胜利。 41 但是，我对命运的无情只有悲伤和感叹。 是的，这是命运。在那些荀延喘的日子里，我坐在门房老头的那把破椅子里，为吸进去每一口气而拼命挣扎，动不动就睡得不省人事，嘴角上像老年人一样吊着肮脏的涎水。有的熟人用好笑的目光打量着我，并且正确地指出，写作是绝不能拼命的。而生人听说这就是路遥，不免为这副不惑不解：作家就是这个样子？作家往往就是这个样子。这是一种并不潇洒的职业。它熬费人的心血，使人累得东倒西歪，甚至像个白痴。 pain.不仅是肉体上的，主要是精神上的。 产生了一种宿命的感觉——我说过，我绝非圣人。 这种宿舍的感觉也不是凭空而生——这是有一定“依据”的。我曾悲哀地想过，在中国，企图完全长卷作品的作家，往往都死不瞑目。伟大的曹雪芹不用说，我的前辈和导师柳青也是如此。记得临终之前，这位坚强的人曾央求医生延缓他的生命，让他完成《创业史》。 造成中国作家的这种不幸的命运，有属于自身的。更多地是由种种环境和社会的原因所致。试想，如果没有十年文化革命的耽搁，柳青肯定能完成《创业史》的全部创作。在一个没有成熟和稳定的社会环境中，无论是文学艺术家还是科学家，在最富创造力的黄金年华必须争分夺秒地完成自己一生中最重要的工作，因为随时都可能风云骤起，把你冲击得连自己也找不见自己。等这阵风云平息，你已经丧失了人生良机，只能抱恨终生或饮恨九泉了。此话难道是危言耸听？我们的历史可以无数次作证，老实说，我之所以如此急切而紧迫地投身于这个工作，心里正百担心某种突如其来的变异，常常有一种不可预测的惊恐，生怕重蹈先辈们的覆辙。因此，在奔向目标的途中不敢有任何怠懈，整个心态似乎是要赶在某咱风暴到来之前将船驶向彼岸。