Chapter 117 Morning starts at noon (4) - Create "Ordinary World Essays"

Unexpectedly, because of physical reasons, I had to stop moving forward.Originally, I had always been very confident about my body, as if my body didn't exist.Now, it weighs me down like a mountain and I can't lift my head. The more anxious the heart, the more serious the disease.I thought it was destiny.People are strong and fragile.If you say yes, you can do anything; if you say no, you can't do it right away.Man cannot resist the ruling of fate—it can also be interpreted as being unable to resist the restriction of natural laws.However, how unwilling!I have even seen the destination I am going to reach.

Out of a sense of mission, but also out of instinct, a desire to fight against it rises in my heart.In a year, I have had many crises, and I never thought of being caught without a fight. Why am I sitting in this broken chair and ready to surrender without any resistance? Don't be superstitious about hospitals in big cities.It is said that the traditional Chinese medicine in Yulin, my hometown, is famous, why not go there?The hot dog days here can kill people from the heat, but in northern Shaanxi, at least it should be cooler.Fortunately, the disease is cured there; if it cannot be cured, it can also be buried in the loess of the hometown-this is the best destination.I left Xi'an with despair and headed for Yulin City in the desert of my hometown.

Traveling with bare hands for the first time in several years.Those materials, materials, manuscripts, books and various writing utensils were removed from the body. However, the psychological burden is extremely heavy. Hometown, back to your arms!Every time I approach you, I approach my mother.Everything about you makes people feel kind and down-to-earth, and there is a ray of hope in your heart.Once you set foot on the land of your hometown, you will not feel cornered.Homeland, how wonderful, it is inconceivable for a man not to have a homeland; even wandering gypsies always regard their camp as their homeland.In this place that created your life, all your misfortunes and sufferings will be accommodated.It is the last long-cherished wish of a person to be able to merge with the land of his hometown even if his life disappears.

Yulin City, surrounded by yellow sand, warmly accepted me who was dying.Countless caring accents surrounded me, and warm-hearted people without data were running around for my illness.Huo Shiren, secretary of the prefectural party committee at that time, and Li Huanzheng, commissioner of the administrative office, personally came forward to make thoughtful arrangements for me.I was immediately brought in front of Mr. Zhang Pengju, a famous old Chinese doctor. Mr. Zhang was seventy years old at the time, a member of the Provincial Political Consultative Conference, and well-known in the traditional Chinese medicine circle of the province.The old man began to carefully ask about my feeling and previous treatment, and then felt my pulse and watched my tongue.He smiled, pointed to the opposite mirror and said, "Go and see your tongue."

I opened my mouth in front of the mirror, and couldn't help but turn pale with shock. I saw my tongue was as black as coke. "This is caused by sub-heat." Mr. Zhang said, "solve this problem first, and then adjust the whole body. Your body is in good condition, so it is not suitable to take supplements. Besides, it is so hot, so you should not be superstitious about tonics. As the saying goes, ginseng Eating dead people is not a crime, and Coptis chinensis is useless in curing diseases." The knowledge is profound and I admire it to the extreme.Once again, there are masters above the red level in any industry.The old man in front of him has gone through a lifetime of training, and he has undoubtedly reached the state of perfection in his practice.

I judged from Mr. Zhang's demeanor that he has the ability to diagnose and treat my illness.Thus, hope is greatly increased.Mr. Zhang prescribes the medicine confidently.I took it over and took a look, and was surprised again.There are only two ingredients in the prescription: 50 grams of raw land and 0.5 grams of borax, and the total cost of the medicine is only a few cents.However, this extraordinary prescription alone makes me believe that I have finally found a master.Sure enough, after taking the first dose of medicine, greenish black phlegm spit out pile after pile.I was so excited that profit knew what to do, and even spit a mouthful of phlegm on a concrete electric pole by the side of the road in a very vulgar way. Three days later, I went to inspect the pile of dirt. The details are used on Zhang Youzhi, the unlucky secretary of the county party committee in the West County of the Central Plains in the novel. I am really sorry for him.

After the first jaundice was resolved, Mr. Zhang began to regulate my whole body. I swallowed more than one hundred decoctions and more than one hundred pills of him like an animal eating grass, and my body began to recover gradually. Before and after the completion of "The Ordinary World", I suddenly heard that Mr. Zhang Pengju had passed away.I stopped writing in the studio for a long time to mourn for him.I would like to use my tireless work to thank him for saving me at a critical moment. Now, I once again wish him rest in peace in heaven.When my body recovered a little, my heart began to surge again.

The question arises quite naturally: Should I continue to rest or continue writing? According to my situation at the time, I should take a break for at least one year. Everyone advised me to take good care of my health. Besides, I know that my friends and relatives care about me out of sincerity.That's why I was advised.However, it is difficult for me to accept such a long and peaceful life. My whole blood-sweat building awaits the final "capping". I've done two-thirds of the work and now only have one-third left.And this third means the complete unity of the whole work.What am I paying such a price for?Isn't it for the sake of completing this work?

I also know that my current physical condition is still very poor, and it is not suitable for the next work. The third book is undoubtedly the climax of the whole book, and everything is final; it requires the author to use the fullest and most passionate The mental state is completely devoted, and now I am a little excited, and I can't breathe in again. Should he heed the dissuasion and take a year off? no.This kind of emotional split may be fatal to long-scroll works. So, should we continue to work hard? Self split.This happens from time to time, but more prominently now.The me who insisted on doing it began to persuade the hesitant me-not to persuade, but to "teach" in fact.In this kind of highly independent work, you will encounter many moments of weakness, wavering or even attempting to "betray" yourself.No one will do "ideological work" for you, and whether you do it or not is irrelevant to others.At this time, another "I" needs to be split to teach this "I".

I "taught" me like this: You should see that this may really be the installation of fate to give you the opportunity to finish this book.At one point, you think you're screwed.But now you finally breathe a sigh of relief.If you don't seize this opportunity given by fate, you may really repeat the mistakes of Liu Qing.This is the real tragedy, the eternal tragedy.Yes, it is true that the body is not good; but as long as it is possible to work, it should not be considered first.To put it bluntly, it is a question of what to choose between dying and finishing this work-this is the essence.Of course, it’s best to have the best of both worlds, and it’s not entirely impossible—it’s even possible.But at present, can only choose between these two.

In the face of such an eloquent "I", the hesitant "I" seems to be at a loss for words. The "Hamlet phenomenon" began to withdraw from the stage of thought. The two divided selves are gradually becoming united, and the only problem begins again, which is that the vigorous ambition must be stirred up again. It will be a run with shackles. However, as long as God blesses me and allows me to finally cross the finish line, then I can never get up after falling down forever, and I can close my eyes safely. After making such a decision, my mood became extremely peaceful.This may be a sign of psychological maturity.Be happy with that.Yes, the move was actually quite natural again, even though it was an up-close-and-life adventure. After the adventure, I began to think about various details about the writing of the third part, especially paying serious attention to the working style and life style——for the first time, I thought of being considerate of myself with a very gentle mood. 44 Under the care of the Yulin local administrator, I started to write the first draft of the third part in the newly completed Yulin Hotel.Given my physical condition at the time, without this condition, it would have been impossible to successfully complete the last draft.Here you can take a hot bath every day and eat well.Li Huan, a commissioner of the Administrative Office, personally went to the kitchen to arrange meals for me. Later, when the room fee was settled, he also asked me to take care of everything.More importantly, I can see a doctor and take medicine while writing here. I also started to add a little indoor exercise myself. I asked my friend to find a pair of dumbbells and bought a pair of chest expanders. Before going to bed in the early morning, I first did a set of dumbbell exercises that I made up, and then pulled the chest expander dozens of times. .All this soon becomes an unshakable mechanical activity—a Germanic life is so easily established in the process of writing.Due to the creation of the first two volumes, when I wrote the third volume, I already felt a certain kind of "experience", and it reached the climax of the whole book, and it was also close to the final goal moment, so the mood was particularly high, and the entry seemed to be smooth. It's just that once you get too excited, you will feel difficult to breathe. Tell yourself from time to time: keep calm. Every evening when I look up, I always see the red and big sunset outside the window sinking in the distant desert as expected.It was the last splendor of the day and made a particularly good impression.The season has entered early winter, and the vast Noordos Plateau is lush and green.The broken line of the ancient Great Wall lies like a hibernating snake in the boundless yellow sand.The majestic and majestic scenes of nature often turn into some kind of chest invisibly, so that people can examine the artistic world they have built from a broader perspective.There are times when circumstances can have a major impact on writing. Once again filled with gratitude for the desert.The writing of this book was made in the desert here at the beginning, but I didn't expect that the final part was completed with its broad mind.After dinner, I sometimes go for a walk along the Yuxi River outside the city. Walking slowly along the trail among the woods by the river, I feel calm and comfortable.It was quiet and there was no one around.Only the chirping of birds, only the sound of pure flowing water.Thinking that I can still devote myself to the work I love now, and getting closer to the final goal, I can't help but tear up in my eyes.This is happiness that no one can understand.In retrospect, from the beginning of investing in this book to the present, I have basically maintained a sincere and pure heart as before, just like being in first love.Especially when I started working again after going through a physical crisis, I didn't even think about what this book would bring me, but just put my heart and soul into it.Finish!That's everything.In a large sense, this is no longer just completing a book, but completing one's own life. In the midst of the intense day in and day out at work, the biggest longing I ever had was to get out in the sun in the yard. I have been living indoors for a long time for several years, and I rarely touch the sun. I can't restrain my excitement when I see the sun, and I often imagine the happiness of bathing in its warm light. However, this is simply a luxury.When the sun is the best, it is often the most stressful and critical time of work, and I dare not realize this dream at all.Don't even dare for half an hour-the sun will bake the will, and the necessary tension in the spirit will melt away in an instant.I had no choice but to look at the golden sunshine outside with infinite nostalgia, and then erase it in my mind, continue to bury my head, and concentrate on this hard labor-like work with all my heart. To this day, whenever I step into the sunshine, there is always an unspeakable joy.Ah, sunshine!I would like to live under your light often. New Year's Day in 1988 arrived as scheduled. At this time, I was still living in the room of the Yulin Hotel and writing in the dark.For work, this day is like any other. But it's New Year's Day after all.It's the first day of the new year.This is an important holiday. The entire hotel building was as empty as an ancient temple, and there were no more guests.The waiters also went home for the holidays, leaving only a few on duty in the kitchen and foyer. A kind of wordless discomfort welled up in my heart.This is not for myself, but for my dear daughter.On this day when relatives should be reunited, as a father, I feel deeply guilty for not being able to be by my child's side. In the silence, staring blankly at the photos of the two daughters standing on the pile of materials on the desktop, tears could not help swirling in the eyes, and he was muttering to her, begging for her forgiveness.Yes, child, I love you more than I love myself.The reason why I work so hard is largely because of you.I want you to be proud of your father.I can't spare more time with you.Even when I'm at home, I rarely get a chance to talk or play with you.When you are awake, I am asleep; and when I work at night, you are asleep again.However, you may not know that when I was in the wasteland, I would often stand in front of your bed for a long time, look at your little face through the moonlight outside the window, and kiss your feet lightly countless times.Now, on a day of great joy to you, I feel very sad to be away from you.Maybe when you're older, though, you'll understand why Dad did it.There is no way, Dad has to assume some kind of inescapable responsibility, and this is indeed to give you a deeper love... Belief in children is regular, not just because today is New Year's Day.During these long years of going out and running, I often carry two photos of my daughter with me. Every time I go to a place, before arranging various materials in the workshop, I first take out these two photos and put them at the end. In a prominent place so that I can see her when I look up.Even for a minute or two between pen stops, my eyes would rest on these two photographs.These are two of my favorite pictures of her.One shows her standing on a chair smiling happily and shyly, holding her doll in her arms.One was taken at a stall in Qianling Mausoleum. I hugged her and rode on a big colorfully dressed camel.There was the faint sound of firecrackers in the distance.I wiped the tears from my face with the palm of my hand, and started to pick up the pen as usual.I felt the blood surging all over my body, and felt a kind of tragic life.I want to carry out this day's work with the most serious attitude, and use my blood and sweat to dedicate it to my dear daughter far away. According to the pre-plan, I will finish the first draft of the third part before the Spring Festival anyway.In this way, I can go back to celebrate the festival with a more complete mood-the Spring Festival must be spent at home.Therefore, the entire work cannot be interrupted in any way, and the daily determined workload must be completed.Occasionally, a day presents a severe impassable difficulty, and the working hours have to be extended, and the sleep is lost by several hours.Less sleep means more smoking and abnormal chest discomfort.Since this is essentially the final sprint, the spirit is highly tense and completely in a state of combustion, and there is a great sense of "the battle is over after victory or defeat".As the first draft draws to a close, I keep praying to God in my heart not to let my body fall down suddenly.As long as one more chapter is written, there will be one less regret. A week before the Spring Festival, I finally finished the first draft of the third part when my body was almost exhausted.Its excitement cannot be expressed in words.This means that even if you fall down and don't get up now, this book is basically ready.The fate of the first character in the book that people are concerned about, I answered with my understanding.Maybe some people will think that I am "unfinished" like the same, but for me, just like the same, the work is already complete in a big way.If someone is going to write a "sequel" like that, it has absolutely nothing to do with my work.With this crucial harvest, he hurriedly left the world of ice and snow.Return to Xi'an.Fortunately, I was able to spend the Spring Festival with my daughter in time.This will be a fulfilling Spring Festival.Along the way, I greedily looked at the land of northern Shaanxi in the middle of winter.I have a special fondness for Northern Shaanxi in Dongyi.There is no hint of green in sight.The boundless mountains are all naked, like huge brass statues.All the rivers were frozen in ice, and the shady slopes were covered with white snow.Broad and desolate, an indescribable and endless world.When you are in it, your world view will definitely not be as narrow or abstract as in a big city salon; you feel that you can talk to the entire universe.On the way back to Xi’an, I decided that after the Spring Festival, I would take a little rest, strike while the iron is hot, and immediately start working on the second draft—this is the real final work. Shortly after the Spring Festival, the summer ward in the courtyard of the office quickly returned to work.This copying and reform is more serious, and I will try my best to make myself satisfied in all aspects.It feels like not writing on manuscript paper, but carving on wood blocks with a knife.Now, a long-awaited wish has come true, and I can squeeze out half an hour every day to bask in the sun outside.Whenever I sit on the old discarded wood outside the door, I feel as happy as if I am going to heaven.Smoke a cigarette in silence, think about some technical issue about the book, or ponder over the dedication line at the beginning of the book. Spring has gradually come, and the trees are once again covered with green leaves; there are a few unknown flowers blooming in the corner of the wall. The spring in my heart will also come.For nearly six years I was in long and indefinite penal servitude.Like a prisoner who has been sentenced to prison, I am excitedly heading towards the day when I will be released after serving my sentence. Meanwhile, the China Central People's Broadcasting Station has started broadcasting "The Ordinary World" serially.This is an unconventional broadcast-because the whole book has not been finalized, they just read the first draft of the third part and decided to start broadcasting the whole book. This extraordinary trust makes me unable to slack off at all.Every day at noon, when I heard Li Yemo broadcast my work in a thick and natural tone from the broken radio on the desktop, I would suddenly feel a whip on the back in my excitement.I'll hurry up and get to work.I realize that millions of listeners don't know that the third part of this book is still in my hands. If there is a slight mistake and the air cannot be picked up and forced to be interrupted, it will be a joke for the entire country .When the copying work of the work entered the final part, I suddenly wanted to put this final work in Ganquan County in northern Shaanxi to complete it.This is also a hint of fate.There, I wrote my first important work, which was my "geomantic treasure land".And it is more out of a kind of commemoration of life. At this moment, I want to go back to that kind small county. Once this desire arises, I can't stay in the office yard for a day, as if a mysterious force is calling me to travel far. So, I arrived at Ganquan within a day. After getting off the car, everything necessary for work is arranged in the room.Then I went to work-from the perspective of work, it seemed that there was no movement of hundreds of miles in the middle, but just moved from one table to another. Everything went as smoothly as imagined.Every day after dinner, just like when I wrote it back then, I seized the time to go to the small road on the bank of the Luo River, and hurried around like a tour.The corn seedlings in the field were very small when they first came, and I watched them grow day by day.From writing to now, I can't remember how many times I have walked this path.This is a land that will never be forgotten, a path that will always be in the heart.From now on, every time I go north and pass Ganquan, I always look at this place affectionately through the car window, and my chest can't help but feel hot.When I passed by here in the autumn of 1991, I found that the newly built railway line just passed through this Sichuan land, and the original scene no longer existed.In the infinite melancholy, I also felt another kind of relief.Yes, life is advancing rapidly, but as we said before, we can only bid farewell to everything that has given us a strong and beautiful impression in the past, rather than ruthlessly cutting it off.According to the requirement, I must send the finished version of the third part to the Central People's Broadcasting Station by June 1 at the latest, so that they can have time to pick up the previous part without interruption.In addition, the large-scale magazine "Yellow River", which is about to publish its third volume, has been delayed for 20 days and is waiting for this manuscript. Mr. Shan Quan, the editor-in-chief, has sent two consecutive telegrams to Gan Quan.The time has entered the countdown phase.The high mental tension caused constant leg cramps.Hours of sleep at night are often awakened several times. After six years of uninterrupted running, now I have clearly seen the horizontal line at the end.Although there are only a few steps to follow, each step is a matter of life and death. The time to hit the line finally came.In my life, I have failed to remember many days that need to be remembered, including my birthday.However, I have never been able to forget the date of May 25, 1988-it was on this day that I finally completed the entire creation of "Ordinary World". As much as I wanted to end the day peacefully, it was impossible and involuntary.It's really a happy day.The sun in May has gained heat, the earth has long since thawed, the sky is high and far away is blue, and the air is filled with the smell of green grass and flowers.Several friends in Yan'an knew through my younger brother Tianle that I was going to finish my final work today, so they all rushed to the Ganquan County Guest House early in the morning.However, they were not ready to bother me yet, and they had to wait for me to come out of that studio before sharing their happiness with me.Several leaders of Ganquan County are also my friends.People have already set up a banquet in the guest house, and they will gather together in the evening after I finish the manuscript, because according to the plan, I will rush to Yan'an that night, and then cross the Yellow River from Wubao. Yellow River", and then went directly to Beijing to submit the manuscript to CCTV.Only in this way can I meet the deadline of June 1st—if I return to Xi’an and start the journey again, I may not be able to make it.While my brother and friends were already talking about these things, I was "as usual" sleeping.Since it is the last day, it is necessary to be as energetic as possible. After getting up, I drank coffee and smoked a cigarette, while sitting at the desk and quietly looking at the last ten or so pages of the first draft on the desktop.All the past events related to this book are vivid in my mind, but they seem to be quite far away.To this day, I don't know how I got there.In the intense and aggressive pursuit, when we concentrate on moving forward, we often don't pay too much attention to everything behind and on both sides; we just stare at the only goal ahead.And when we are about to approach or reach this goal, we can't help but look back at the journey we have traveled. This is a long lonely journey in life.Therefore, how much life should have been lost and sacrificed, and the most precious youth is gone forever.There is, of course, comfort in some of the fruits of the harvest, but there is also a deep sorrow for the flowers that no longer bloom.Life is like this, there are gains and losses.Dedicating one's life to a chosen goal should be a sacrifice that will never be regretted. In any case, it is happiness to be able to come to this day. I thought of my father again, and the labor of my father and the farmers, from morning to night, from spring to winter, from birth to death, the first time I planted the seeds in the land, until I took back every grain, I was meticulous, No complaints, no regrets, conscientious, go all out, until the completion - to complete the process of one's own life with substantial labor. My labor on manuscript paper is essentially the same as my father's labor on the land.Therefore, this labor is ordinary labor, and there should be no feeling of greatness; thus, when you write about the ordinary world, you are also a member of this ordinary world, not superior to others; thus, 198 May 25, 2008 is an ordinary day, not a special day; So, like any other day, get to work today! As soon as I started writing, my hands shook like sifting chaff.Trying to control your emotions.But it's actually futile.In order not to wet the manuscript paper with tears, he turned his face to the gap on the table.Mixed feelings.Think back to that difficult beginning a few years ago. Didn't expect it to end today. There is no doubt that this is a momentous moment in one's life. The heart was beating violently, and there was a feeling of fainting at any time.The ballpoint pen is as heavy as an iron rod in the hand, but the body seems to be floating. Time is passing by quickly, but the words on the paper are written more and more slowly, and the writing becomes more and more difficult.These more than ten pages of red manuscripts have become an insurmountable pass. The excessive excitement finally caused the whole right hand of writing to convulse, and the five fingers spread like chicken feet and could not be held together.The pen dropped on the manuscript paper. I was very anxious, sweating profusely, and sweating profusely.I know that my friends are sitting around the wine table waiting for me at this moment.It was a crisis like never before—a crisis born of pleasure.Intellect is not all lost.I poured the water from the thermos bottle into the washbasin, then pulled two pillow towels from the bed and put them in, then grabbed the hot towel with my "chicken paw" hand and soaked it in the hot water for a quarter of an hour. The damn hand gradually recovered normal. Grab the pen immediately.Write down quickly. At the time when it was close to the usual dinner, I finally drew the final conclusion to the whole book.It was almost not dominated by thoughts, but for some unknown reason, the first thing I did when I stood up from the desk was to rush the ballpoint pen in my hand out of the window.I went to the bathroom and washed my face with hot water.For the first time in years, I took a serious look at myself in the mirror.I saw an unfamiliar face.There are so many gray hairs on the temples, and the whole face is as old as an old man, wrinkled and emaciated.I saw myself in tears. I simply kicked the bathroom door shut with my foot and cried out loud, expressing my infinite sadness, grievance and child-like weakness to my other self.And that fatherly me stopped me from crying and guided me out of the bathroom. I cleaned up the table carefully and thoroughly.Everything was packed into the travel box, except for the ten neatly copied manuscripts placed in the center of the table. I sat down to light a cigarette and fell silent for a while, trying to calm myself enough to attend the banquet.At this moment, I thought of nothing but a few words from the brilliant German writer Thomas Mann: "...at last it is done. It may not be good, but it is done. As long as it can be done, it is OK." This is exactly what I want to say at this moment.It has been almost ten years since I first started writing "Ordinary World".It has been almost four years since I finished writing this book.Going back to those years now still makes people feel a kind of spiritual tremor.It is with a feeling of paying homage to the past that I wrote some of the above text. Undoubtedly, everything recorded here is the same as "Ordinary World".For me, it's all history.Everything is the experience and understanding at that time.With the passage of time and the changes and development of social life and art, my understanding is also changing and developing.Many things that I relied on in the past may no longer be in the mainstream of my thinking; and some issues that I once ignored or did not touch have risen to an important position.It is extremely sad for a person to stay in his own history and not move forward.However, one's own history should also be summarized - only by seriously summarizing the past can it be possible to better move towards the future. Because of this, I feel it is necessary to roughly record this experience.Another reason that prompted me to write this article is that many newspapers and periodicals have made up some untrue "story" of my experience based on hearsay material, and I have to come forward and tell my own story. It can be said that these words certainly cannot fully record my life experience, thought experience and emotional experience when writing this book.There used to be countless torrents flowing parallel to the contents of the book.It is impossible for me to store all of that in memory; especially not for the fleeting sparks of thought and the many nameless streams of emotion--and those things may be truly glorious.However, I have finally written a large process of this experience here in this loose style.I don't expect others to be interested in these words, it's just fulfilling a small wish of mine.In March 1991, when "The Ordinary World" won the third Mao Dun Literature Award in China, I couldn't believe it was true.For during the long and difficult years my thoughts have been on how to finish this book, and I have not dared to hope that it will be favored.I have entered the "fortune" years; I know that no accolade can fully prove the real success.It all just made me take another serious look at my past, present and future. Yes, I have just turned 40 years old. Judging from the course of my life, life can still be said to be in the "noon" time. It is absolutely necessary to reawaken the passion of youth and devote myself to this solemn labor again. Well, the morning still starts at noon. Early winter of 1991 - early spring of 1992