Chapter 68 You can never think of 15-(Xue Feng)

After I swallowed the bitter fruit I sowed, I felt that life in the world was suddenly darkened.I loathe others and I loathe myself. I don't feel like going to any concerts anymore: all the music sounds like noise.I also don't go to art exhibitions anymore: all the lines and colors look like smudges.I don't read and I don't bother to read the newspapers -- none of these things seem relevant to my life.I don't go out to the streets that often either.I don't understand now why people in the street should be beaming - what's there to cheer about? But no matter what, I still have to go to work on time.

When I was at work, I was listless like a soulless child. I couldn't tell which poem manuscript was good and which was bad. Anyway, they all looked the same.Let's just pick a few and give them to Lao Wu!Old Wu obviously became more and more dissatisfied with my work, and often sighed and said, "What kind of poems are these! How can you single out such poems for review?" Go ahead, I'm at this level.I don't see any good poetry.Anyway, you can't get me out of the poetry group right away.Isn't this kind of organization eating from a big pot?You have to let me eat it.As for the poetry manuscript, what is the standard for good or bad?The poems of those celebrities are obviously not good, so haven't they all been published?Why are amateur authors so demanding? ... As for myself, I have not published a single word for a long time.In the previous paragraph, he could write some love poems for He Min, but now he can't write any poems.I completely lost the inspiration to create.I've been groggy all day and nothing can stir me up.

Everything that came over has become so far away.Just thinking about what happened not long ago is like a person in his twilight years recalling his childhood, hazy. This afternoon, as usual, I went to the small wine shop of the Xihua Hotel.Three small dishes, two taels of white wine, drink at your own discretion.I have to send more than one yuan here almost every day, and there is not a cent left of my monthly salary.When I first started working, I had a bit of manuscript fees, and I could spare 10 or 20 yuan to send to the working parents at home to repay their kindness in raising them.Now that there is no manuscript fee, and in addition to smoking, there is an additional expenditure on alcohol, so it is no longer possible to perform filial piety.Anyway, now that there is a responsibility system, at least there is food at home...

While drinking and eating, I looked at the people around me blankly.either.Just mentally counting the plastic beer mugs behind the glass windows of the commissary.Count from left to right, row by row.After counting, count back from right to left.The wine glasses were taken away and returned, and the numbers were different after each count.If by chance the number is exactly the same twice, there is a triumphant exclamation, as in the old days when a good line of poetry was suddenly written. It's boring - I know it myself A person blocks my view—seemingly familiar from behind.When he turned around, I recognized that it was the son of the deputy political commissar—the one who took me to dance last time.

He recognized me too, came and sat at my table with two small dishes in one hand and a mug of beer in the other. He put down his things and asked me, "Why did you sneak away that day?" I lied and said, "My stomach hurts a little, and I didn't bother to say hello to you..." We put each other's dishes together, and the two of them raised their glasses and touched each other, and they drank together. "Should we go?" He took a bite of the vegetables, and while chewing he asked me. I forced a smile and didn't answer. "If you'd like to go, there's more tonight..."

My heart skipped a beat.I'm not saying that I'm willing to go to that kind of disco now.I want to meet He Min at the ball.This is not to say that I still have any nostalgia for her.I went to meet her and her "classmate" with a vicious mind, trying to cause them embarrassment or some kind of unpleasantness or something... So I casually said to the deputy political commissar's son, "Okay then, I'll go and have a look." In this way, with an inexplicable mental state, I appeared in the unit of the family building of the Provincial Military Region that night.

The situation is still the same as last time, the sound of "snapping cotton" is being heard inside; various twisting figures can be seen through the half-open door. The son of the deputy political commissar greeted me, and hurriedly threw himself into the chaotic place.I sat down on a chair in the living room and hesitated.At this moment, I regretted it again, and felt that it was unnecessary to come here.Since He Min is such a person, why should I keep pestering her endlessly?I thought for a moment, ready to slip away from here again. At this time, I found another girl in this empty living room.She sat across from me in the shadows, picking her fingers without saying a word.

When I stood up to go, the girl seemed to give me a strange look.Suddenly she said, "Are you going?" I said, "Well. I can't dance." "I don't know how to dance either. The people who came with me won't leave. I want to go back. It's too late, so I don't dare to go...Which unit do you belong to?" I said my unit.Our unit is a well-known unit, and the girl immediately said she knew it.She said she was from Xihua Hotel, not far from us. "Xihua Hotel? I often eat there. I don't think I've seen you before?" After I finished speaking, the girl smiled.I couldn't help laughing myself.The hotel is so big, how can I know her?She said: "I'm on the fourth floor, serving foreigners..." She hesitated and said, "Can I go with you? I dare not go on the road alone..."

I hesitated for a moment and said, "Yes..." She ran inside to say hello to the person who came with her, then she came out and picked up her small bag, and went downstairs with me. This shady girl and I rode a bicycle on the sparsely populated streets. I asked her, "Is this your first time here?" "Yes." She said, "I've been feeling unhappy recently, and an older sister I was with brought me here to relieve my boredom. She said that dancing disco can forget all the unpleasantness. But when I came, I was so scared that I couldn't even watch I don’t even dare to look at it... You are also the first one back, right?” She asked me.I had no choice but to say: "Well, I'm also unhappy..." "You are cultural people, have such a good job, and have a high social status, so why not be unhappy! It's not like us, being a waiter, serving tea and delivering meals No one will look down on you!" "The waiters at Xihua Hotel are extraordinary!" I said.

"It's still serving people! I used to be in the same restaurant as me, but after I was admitted to university, I looked down on us as a server. I found another college student... Now it's popular among college students..." She actually said to me up these.I fell silent for a moment—that's why she was so unhappy. For some reason, this girl's words made me feel a little uncomfortable.In a way, like him, I've been dumped by other people.On the other hand, like his boyfriend, I also dumped others... I don't know how to talk to this stranger again.I had to say: "You can also learn by yourself, catch up with them in knowledge, this may be the best way to retaliate..." "I am studying liberal arts at TV University now, but my foundation is poor and I can't keep up with the progress of the course... You must have a certain level of education Is it very tall? Your kind of unit is a big intellectual!" She turned her head and looked at me in the car, and said a little embarrassedly: "Can you help us?" "Me?" I didn't know what to do. answer her.

"Didn't you say that you often come to our restaurant for dinner? You can give me counseling along the way... You don't have to queue up for dinner, I'll serve it for you from inside!" She actually became serious. I didn't know what to do, so I agreed to her in a foolish way... From that day on, I got to know this girl named Zhao Yan again. I went to the Xihua Hotel almost every other day or two to help her with her homework.For some reason, I am very happy with this self-inflicted errand, maybe it can fill my empty spiritual world a little bit.I am very serious about helping this pure and innocent girl learn.She respects me very much and calls me Teacher Xue.I feel a sense of friendship and warmth.Because of Zhao Yan's respect for me, I felt that my long hair was really shameful, so I went to the barber shop to cut it off.The pair of toad mirrors were also thrown away. I am willing to have this friendship with Zhao Yan for a long time... But one day after dinner, as soon as she saw me, she told me with great excitement that her former boyfriend came to her suddenly this morning, saying that he wanted to restore the relationship with her... He said that the female college student dumped him... ...He asked her to forgive, and vowed to be reconciled forever...I asked Zhao Yan: "Have you forgiven him?" "Forgive me..." she said, "Everyone makes mistakes. No matter what, I always love him in my heart..." Two lines of tears hung on her face. She wiped her face with her hands, and said: "I told him about how you helped me, and he said that he really wanted to know you and make friends with you..." I am sincerely happy for Zhao Yan—may her happiness last forever... But I think, after this evening, I will never come here again.Zhao Yan's homework will be tutored by another person.I shouldn't come here again, lest her boyfriend create a misunderstanding--such misunderstandings are so easy among young people in love.When I left the Xihua Hotel, I couldn't help but feel a little sore in my nose.I suddenly heard a familiar voice that seemed to be calling my name affectionately from afar... I was walking quickly in the flow of people on the street, and the warm summer night wind caressed and shook the leaves on the street, kissing the pedestrians cheeks. After dusk came, the rush hour for bicycles passed, and the streets became much cleaner.I walked casually, and unknowingly came to the gate of the People's Theater. There are many people crowded here as usual.I looked at the ad.I know that the provincial orchestra is performing a symphony.It's been a long time since I visited this lovely place.I remembered the love movie I watched with He Min... How happy I was at that time.Who would have thought that things would develop to such a point later? Let the past be the past!I am still me. I looked at my watch, there was no show yet.I would love to go to this concert right now— Although the provincial orchestra generally speaking, it is impossible to play high-level movements. The symphony is just beginning to take off in this city.Generally, older people don't come to listen, they would rather take the trouble to watch those old local operas.Most of the people who come here are young people, mostly men and women. The small gate at the ticket booth was closed - indicating that tickets were sold out. I managed to snag a ticket at the last minute. I walked into the theater and sat down in my seat, not in the mood to listen to music, but to take a rest in this place-I have been wandering around the street for a long time, and my foot is burning and hurting . The beginning is a large-scale symphony "Northern Winter Night".This is the work of an associate professor of the Provincial Conservatory of Music. Unexpectedly, I fell into the realm created by music obsessively. I opened my eyes and was intoxicated by the music. In the sound of the wonderful music, I seem to be in the winter night in my hometown.I saw the clear moonlight shining on the desolate mountains; the mountain road protruded from the village like a gray belt and disappeared into the dark mountain bends in the distance; the bronze-colored hills stood quietly.In the river, the ice surface shone faintly; the cold wind blew across the hillsides and fields, and the sorghum stalks with their ears removed and the mulberry leaves on the branches made a rustling sound.The village fell asleep, and from time to time there was a rooster crowing and a dog barking.Suddenly, the three-stringed sound of the calligrapher and the rattling sound of brushing boards came faintly in my ears... the sound was getting closer... now I was in a steaming earthen cave dwelling filled with the smell of dry smoke.The blind storyteller, Smilax, was leaning his upper body, strumming the Sanxian obsessively, and telling stories about ancient dynasties.Some of the farmers lowered their heads, and some opened their mouths wide to stare at the storyteller’s expression changes, all listening fascinatedly... Outside the cave, the wind whimpered softly, and the ground was covered with silver moonlight... In the river channel People in twos and threes seem to be walking on the small bridge in the village, the fire of the smoke pot is bright and gray... These people entered the village and hurried to the earthen cave dwelling where the sound of storytelling came out... When the music stopped From then on, I was completely immersed in this dream. What was played later, I didn't listen to it at all. I left the theater in the middle of the show and went out on the street again. There were almost no pedestrians on the street, only the tram running at Yandian, and the two long braids collided with the electric wires in the air, creating azure sparks.The evening wind blows head-on, giving people a refreshing coolness. I felt that my face was wet, and I touched it with my hand, only to realize that I didn't know when I was crying.I wiped my face with a handkerchief, and hurried to the office...