Chapter 13 121-130

121 Life is a pool of stagnant water. I float and sink on it. When I move violently, I can stir up a wave. The waves are colorful in the sun, which is really beautiful, but I will not confuse the waves with stagnant water. I see the waves rising and sinking , for its accidental admiration, but that's all, I realize that the waves are to me what the stagnant water is to me, they are the same thing, I should not be deluded by the waves, I should remember, I am floating on dead water, my joy must be at the price of my sadness in the future, and the hope that I have will also be at the price of my disappointment. I don't care about paying the price, but I care about me in between. What I have experienced, I care about the essence of my hopes and disappointments. In a word, I care about the truth. This is exactly what I do when I am immersed in writing novels. However, when I open my eyes, the truth There is a flash between the event and the end, so I can't see clearly.

So I am in a helpless situation, if I admit that I cannot perceive the truth, then the truth is meaningless, if I deny the truth because I cannot perceive the truth, then only the event itself remains, and the event itself has passed away and become mine Consciousness, but consciousness cannot confirm events as long as it escapes from them, so what am I doing? It all goes to show that, no matter what, I am living, working, and discovering blindly. I believe that it doesn't matter how much I do, it's what I do that matters, but I can't be sure what I'm doing, I'm far from lucid, confused, I have an ambiguous relationship with reality, all I can do is I can't do much more than say "it's red, I'm going to fuck, I've made it" nonsense, that's all.

122 Many of the words Chen Xiaolu said to me, as well as the words in those words, have been forgotten by me. Those forgotten words sank into the abyss of time and space, unable to be searched and salvaged. They form Chen Xiaolu with those words that I remember, Chen Xiaolu appeared in front of me with a fragmented appearance, of course, her movements, voice, demeanor, etc., facing this appearance, facing this person who seemed to have the same distress and passion as me, facing What is left of her, at the same time, is also facing my past, which I cannot restore, and only draws the influence on me from all the materials that can still be perceived by me. I was in a state of chaos.

However, if I don't analyze and think in a fake way, then everything between Chen Xiaolu and me will disappear completely, and I will fall into eternal oblivion and nothingness. "What am I, what is Chen Xiaolu" or something like that. So, I mentioned her again, mentioned me, and mentioned bits and pieces about her and me. 123 Chen Xiaolu's speech has a characteristic, that is, it is very slow, no matter what it is, she always speaks it out of her mouth, slowly, her tone and voice are like an old grandmother, and a small matter can be talked about for a long time. It can make you hear clearly and clearly. Sometimes I can't help but interject and guess the ending, but she raises her eyebrows and asks me in surprise: How do you know?The usual result of talking with her is that I would quickly reach out to her for the next three ways, but Chen Xiaolu insisted that I listen to it, so my hand was shot down in time like an airplane, and I took it back with regret .

I think the reason for this is that she wants me to pay attention to what she says. Chen Xiaolu took off her make-up, and after she fell asleep, she looked very much like an old grandmother. She usually gave me the feeling that she also looked like an old grandmother.I privately speculated that it was the result of the slow pace of her life. Chen Xiaolu has a catchphrase called ouch, no matter what she does, there will be a ouch sound--get up from the chair with a ouch sound, and then ouch again after sitting down, take out a piece of clothing from the closet, put it on with a ouch sound, and take it off with a ouch sound. Put it back and ouch again.Even the screaming during sex is ouch.But there is a difference between ouch during sex and other ouch, that is, there is a panting sound behind ouch during sex, but there is no sound when doing other actions.

For this point, I can't analyze anything. Every time Chen Xiaolu goes out, she has to put on her makeup carefully and keep her spirits up, so she can persist to the end no matter how boring a party she encounters.So at the party, I often think that she is very loyal, and I am even moved by her. Later, I thought about this feature of hers again, and came to another conclusion. It was a good habit she had developed from hanging around outside all the time so as not to disappoint others. When Chen Xiaolu and I were having sex on the bed, we would often say some interesting expressions of love, such as "I am your tool", "I just like it when others do it to me and beg for mercy".This kind of remark sounded very exciting at the time, and it can make people laugh when they think about it after the incident.

As Chen Xiaolu's original bed language is so contagious, I certainly can't let it be buried, so I found other uses for it, one of which is to use it in my script creation. When I disagree with the director, I will Ruthlessly following the director's advice, ruthlessly entering script revisions, why?Because I have a mantra, I keep working while babbling "I am the director's tool" and have a lot of fun, and when the worst happens, that is, when the director changes his mind and I need to rework the script again , I will still submit to it, do not argue, do not complain, but completely compromise without mercy, I will go home, process it again according to the director's will, and say "I like it when the director destroys my script and kills me begging for mercy," while working ecstatically.

Since this sentence has been learned and used by me, and it is very useful in my work, therefore, as one of the uses, I suggest that they be written into the syllabus of the Literature Department of the Film Academy, so that those who are interested in the screenwriting career can inherit and carry forward, and share with them Screenwriter codes such as "never insist on your own artistic pursuits" are also respected and respected. Of course, as my original working method inspired by Chen Xiaolu, its practical application prospects are boundless, and it should be actively promoted to the field of interpersonal relationships. The great power is especially applicable to subordinates versus superiors. Those who succeed in this way should not forget that they should credit its inventor, Chen Xiaolu.

Moreover, in the field of thought, Chen Xiaolu's thoughts are also meaningful, isn't there a kind of thought that has endless joy in fighting with the sky, endless joy in fighting with the earth, and endless joy in fighting with people?Then, as its supplement, Chen Xiaolu's thoughts also have certain value. I changed it from spoken language to written language, that is, it is infinitely enjoyable to compromise with the sky, and it is infinitely enjoyable to compromise with the earth, and it is infinitely enjoyable to compromise with people. The sound of waves floating down from Chen Xiaolu's bed can have such a great impact on my actual life, which itself also proves the correctness of one of Russell's ideas, that is, the connection between things is strange.

124 Of course, besides talking on the bed, Chen Xiaolu also talks after getting out of bed. There is one thing in common between the two, that is, they are far-fetched. Of course, there are also differences. Emotions are mostly lyrical or rhetoric to express a certain desire. After we got out of bed, it was obvious that the rational elements in her words increased, and they were mostly analysis and narrative.This distinction has nothing to do with her sincerity, and, I believe, she always speaks with sincerity. Give an example of each situation. One: the bed. Fucking on Chen Xiaolu's bed for the first time, the rogue and bold Chen Xiaolu had multiple orgasms, and I, who couldn't put it down, matched it with insanity. Her Taiwanese husband has a strong sexual desire, and often needs to use lubricants such as beibei oil. He also said that when he had sex with me, his bottom was always wet. The result of loving to hear is that I hugged her tightly and slept all night. After waking up, she told me that she had never hugged and slept with anyone else.However, I noticed that in the hut her husband rented for her, there was only one quilt, that is to say, she couldn't sleep alone.

Second: under the bed. Chen Xiaolu always said that she hated foreigners the most, and of course there were various reasons. Once, we made an appointment to go to the movies, but when things came to an end, she said she couldn’t go. She said that her girlfriend asked her to play mahjong at a foreigner’s house. Those foreigners don't know how to play, she can win some money, so our movie didn't become a success. After a long time, I knew that Chen Xiaolu didn’t hate foreigners. I don’t know if she played mahjong or not, but it was true that she met a foreigner there. That foreigner taught her many ways to look at people and helped her build a new life. Look, she fell in love with that foreigner and fired the Taiwanese. The result of this incident let me know that maybe she didn't tell me the truth at the time, maybe, I think, she must have changed her mind temporarily on the issue of hating foreigners. The combination of the two cases made me doubt my "bedding and off-bed classification" and also some thoughts on the various classifications in the world, I mean, take a whole thing apart, Knowing one by one, and then summarizing, can you really sum up anything?And, how does this relate to the nature of things? At least, from the matter between me and Chen Xiaolu, I am at a loss. Whether I divide it into bed or bed, whether it is divided into before and after we met, whether it is divided into inside our home and outside our home, or divided into other things, I don’t know. The conclusions drawn seem to have nothing to do with the questions I want to know about "what is Chen Xiaolu and what am I". 125 When I met Chen Xiaolu, she told me about her ideal. It is said that this ideal has been with her since she was a child. To be more specific, it has been with her since kindergarten. Of course, for her ideal, she has been constantly Struggle, her ideal can be summed up in one sentence, that is, to let everyone like her, so that she can let everyone take care of her and let her, so that she can do whatever she wants, so that she can will live freely and happily. The difficulty of this ideal can be compared with any human goal, and it is conceivable that its realization is difficult, but Chen Xiaolu didn't know that the possibility of realizing her ideal was almost negligible, let alone that it was unrealistic. For Chen Xiaolu, her ideals are so attractive to her that she thinks she can give up everything for her ideals. Unfortunately, this is a paradox. The reality is that if she If her ideal is realized, she will get everything without giving up. In order to realize her ideal, Chen Xiaolu also took some measures, and these measures are also proof that Chen Xiaolu is marching towards her ideal.Let me tell you how she does it. One way: make yourself beautiful. Making yourself beautiful is a difficult job. First of all, she must have a foundation. If she was originally shaped like a female ape, then she must evolve tenaciously until she has the shape of a beautiful embryo.Fortunately, Chen Xiaolu is already a beauty embryo. With this step, she proceeded to the next step, she wanted to get money, because beauty and money seem to be the same thing, this is not only Chen Xiaolu's personal opinion, but also the opinion of many girls, when talking about someone's beauty , many girls can point out those things that make people beautiful-clothes, jewelry, cosmetics and so on.In order to get money, Chen Xiaolu went to work first, and the fact that she could get paid for work made her take this step without hesitation, but the next thing made her a little sad, the pay for ordinary work was too little, which made her She is so far removed from beauty that, if she has learned a little more, she will understand that paid work itself is the very antithesis of beauty, since paid work seems to be more associated with such things as hard work, unfreedom, usefulness, etc. than with beauty. many. At this time, due to the arrangement of fate, a better situation appeared. Chen Xiaolu's first boyfriend was tired of her and left her. It appeared that a Taiwanese businessman in his forties not only likes Chen Xiaolu, but also has money, that is to say, if Chen Xiaolu is willing to quit her job and live with Taiwanese, she can get beautiful, so she did that. At this time, the beauty problem seemed to have been solved, but Chen Xiaolu found that a more complicated situation had emerged. Although living with Taiwanese people can live in a hotel, although they can walk around the swimming pool and dining table every day, the problem is still there. It appeared at this time that Chen Xiaolu's ideal is to let everyone like her, but in the current situation, only Taiwanese people like her. Even if other people like her, she can't do anything, because Taiwanese people take her for granted. It should belong to him alone. So, Chen Xiaolu discovered that she gained beauty but lost her love, and the purpose of her beauty was precisely to gain love. There was a puzzling contradiction between the means and the purpose. How to deal with it, Chen Xiaolu was puzzled and fell into a dilemma. Method 2: Make yourself charming. Chen Xiaolu went to university from elementary school, and then graduated to work. During this process, she kept learning, enriching, and developing her charming skills. But at the same time, she also found that if it is difficult to make yourself beautiful, then it is difficult to make yourself charming. Difficult. Pretty is a bit like a flower, people leave after seeing it, but Chen Xiaolu wants people to tell her that they like her and don't want to leave her, but want to be with her.That is to say, beauty can attract others, but after coming here, it depends on being charming. How charming?Chen Xiaolu was a little confused, but she found that she could charm those people who only came here for their beauty, but these people were only some of them, not all of them, so how to deal with the rest of them?The only way out can only be to do what she likes, and what she likes means that what others like must exist in her, Chen Xiaolu. Only then did Chen Xiaolu realize that the situation is not good, and it is quite serious, because what others like Among the things, some things are really beyond her reach, for example, higher social status, property, and all kinds of talents, such as management, humor, dancing, culture, etc. This will kill her!Because besides relying on nature, these things can only be obtained through continuous hard work. Although Chen Xiaolu herself can read and write, and she can do some work in bed, but that's all. In other words, she finally discovered that being charming is very difficult. Therefore, Chen Xiaolu could not meet the two conditions, and hope was far away from her. Of course, on the way of her unremitting struggle for her ideal, there are two things that are almost insurmountable, that is, time and space. Chen Xiaolu vaguely noticed these two points. She understood time as eternal youth, and space as Beijing. Now that the matter is here, there is no need to talk about it further. From Chen Xiaolu, what I see is one thing, that is, the relationship between people's subjective desire and objective reality. This relationship can be described by the four words "contradictory"—let me talk about my views using Chen Xiaolu as an example. When Chen Xiaolu was young, her ideal was almost realized. When she was a teenager, her ideal was so-so, because the people around her still loved her, but they began to have a little demand for her, and, as the scope of activities increased, a trace seemed ominous. (Chen Xiaolu said that when she was in elementary school, a girl actually commented on her love of performance, which seemed very annoying at first glance). When she reached adolescence, Chen Xiaolu's range of activities became wider. She found that almost half of the people were not interested in her, that is, people of the same sex. people. When Chen Xiaolu met me, her adolescence was coming to an end, and she would be in her middle age. I can easily infer that it seems very difficult to make everyone like a middle-aged woman. Of course, Chen Xiaolu will also enter old age, and I point out with regret that the relationship between Chen Xiaolu and her ideals will inevitably deteriorate to such an extent that either she will give up her ideals, or she will be betrayed by her ideals. Ideal abandonment. Therefore, I believe that, to some extent, the efforts of human beings for their ideals are almost the same as those of Chen Xiaolu. I mean: Man either abandons his ideals, or is abandoned by his own ideals. 126 Roughly counting, Chen Xiaolu and I would quarrel every two times we met. There were two main reasons for the quarrel, one was the so-called job-hunting problem.The second is condoms. Let's talk about finding a job first. Because I want to be with Chen Xiaolu for a long time, then she had better not associate with Taiwanese, otherwise, it will be me and Chen Xiaolu and the Taiwanese three people forever, this is my idea, in fact, this idea is quite limited. Come on, I gave up the idea that the three of us would last forever. In fact, I gave up the possibility that Chen Xiaolu and I would last forever, and it was the biggest possibility. This was also one of the reasons why my relationship with Chen Xiaolu was short-lived. Let's go back to the previous topic. In order to make Chen Xiaolu get rid of the Taiwanese, of course, I said this out of her wish at the time--I thought about this point afterwards, and found that it was not accurate. I made a subjective mistake on this, and the truth of the matter may be That’s right, I recalled that when she expressed her wish, she said that she didn’t love Taiwanese people, but she didn’t say whether she loved what Taiwanese people provided her. Judging from her behavior, she loved them.And she said that she loves me, but she never said that she loves me poorly. Judging from her behavior, she doesn't love me.So, I and the Taiwanese were divided into two parts by Chen Xiaolu. In other words, her wish at the time was actually like this. What she loved was one part of me and the other part of the Taiwanese. It can be vaguely said that her love Not complete, but I need a complete love, so I subjectively think that she should get rid of the Taiwanese, and the tragedy happened here. Of course, a little mistake in thinking will not cause any tragedy, the important thing is to put it into action, so that you can make mistakes again and again - that's what I do, every time I see her, I have to push her up, push her up The best way is to urge her to work and gain financial independence through work.With financial independence, you can have an independent personality. After having an independent personality, you can get along with me on an equal footing. One of the purposes of this is to show the difference between me and the Taiwanese. I think that the Taiwanese give her everything. , and I can help her get everything for herself.It can be said that my reasoning seems reasonable, but when I think about it carefully, there are huge difficulties between each step. Even if I overcome all the difficulties and my plan is realized, it seems that Chen Xiaolu will become another person and face another person. What about me?I have no idea.The second purpose is that I only think about myself. I don’t have much money, so I need to use it efficiently. I can only help those who will soon no longer need my help, but I cannot help those who People who will rely on me for this. Obviously, Chen Xiaolu understood my tragedy very clearly, but she didn't want to argue with me, so she adopted delaying tactics. Whenever I urged her to do it immediately, she would always say that she would wait until she went to school and learned something. Enough useful knowledge, and then find a job with a high starting point. As for how high the starting point should be, Chen Xiaolu didn't mention a word.So we get stuck in an inextricable bind when discussing our bleak future. If it is said that pregnancy destroys feelings, then I want to say that contraception can also be done. The problem of condoms does not seem to be very important, but in fact it is not. , and put it on the top of your head, you will find that it can cast a big shadow on you. I will say that I don't like to fuck with condoms, I don't like it very much, I like to use other methods of contraception, I think so out of a superstition, I believe that when making out, there should be nothing between two people Existence, two people should be as good as one person, so I like oral medicine method, but because of a different superstition, Chen Xiaolu doesn't consider using medicine at all, she thinks medicine makes people fat, not only that, she has no idea about other contraceptives She doesn't trust the law, but she trusts the condom! This makes us quarrel when we shouldn't quarrel, for example, two people lying naked on the bed, discussing not how to enjoy the flesh, but me holding a contraceptive pill and telling her to eat it , She held a condom and said to me to put it on. In my memory, there were at least two times, out of anger, I took the contraceptive pill by myself, threw away the condom, and fell asleep.Of course, this kind of situation is very rare. More often, we are arguing endlessly about this issue. How to argue?Naturally, it involves whether I care about her, her sexual history and mine, and our views on each other's sexual history. In fact, this is a confrontation between two superstitions. Although there are many topics , the argument is strong, but it lacks reason. Based on the above two points, I could have written five novels. Perhaps many readers would prefer to read those five novels rather than thousands of words. After the lecture is over, there is really no need to talk about it. 127 Of course, aside from the bickering, we also had some fun times. Sexual talk and scary stories fall into this category. Chen Xiaolu and I often call each other. For a while, we had to call each other every night. Chen Xiaolu is a master of the phone. Through the phone, she can do many things. She can even make me ejaculate on the other end of the phone line. Six or seven girls would sleep with me one by one until I couldn't stand it anymore. As for me, I can tell her horror stories, because Chen Xiaolu is most afraid of hearing horror stories, but she is also the most curious about horror stories. When we talked about literature, we talked about Maupassant, so I said: Maupassant is a French writer in the 19th century. He was a handsome guy when he was young. After he became famous, he was surrounded by a lot of honey, but he was a bit like the Beat Generation many years later. In addition to fucking chicks, he also liked to take drugs. He took all kinds of drugs. There is a Xiaomi beside him who provides him with all kinds of psychedelic drugs, which often make him light-headed and fly in a mess. Although I dismiss his stinky book, but he is a bit addicted to drugs. The horror stories he wrote made me somewhat impressed. For example, he wrote a story during his gloomy period. It said that he went for a walk in a park one night and passed a forest. By chance, he found a person hanging from a tree. He took the trouble to notify the relevant departments to move the corpse, but on the second night he found that the corpse was hanged at the same place, so he notified the relevant personnel to move it away again. Unfortunately, on the third night, he saw the same situation again, and on the fourth night The same is true of the night, the fifth night remains the same, the sixth night, the situation is the same, the seventh night, nothing has changed, no matter how you try to do it, such as preventing people from entering the woods, such as sending people to guard under the tree, such as sawing off the tree. Trees—in short, there is no way, those Parisians who want to die can always sneak into the woods and hang themselves under a tree, and if Maupassant goes into the woods late at night, he will always be the first to find them. When people rushed to rescue him, the man had already passed away and his bones were cold.Finally, one night, Maupassant, who has always felt illusory about life, was writing at his desk, and suddenly lost his inspiration. The lonely Maupassant walked out of his hut and walked towards the small park again. He entered the woods. As a matter of course, he found another corpse hanging on the tree, drifting left and right with the night wind, so he pointed it out to the guard there. It seems that the workers who have been accustomed to this for a long time unloaded the corpse from the tree skillfully, loaded it into the carriage, and prepared to transport it to the cemetery. Out of curiosity and the writer's nature of observing life, Maupassant approached the carriage with the corpse down, lying on the ground. In the car, Maupassant stretched out his arms, turned the corpse over, and looked carefully at the dim streetlights in the park. This look made him gasp, and it turned out that the hanged person was himself.Only then did Maupassant realize that he had been dead for a long time, and the writer named Maupassant who wrote in the world turned out to be a ghost. Hearing this, Chen Xiaolu ouched, and I asked her what was wrong, and she said, "Go on, she still wants to know something about Maupassant, so I went on—" Lao Mo also wrote a story, saying that after he learned that he was a ghost, he had a new understanding of the world. This understanding is not important. He found that some of his friends were also ghosts. For example, there was a critic who often visited him at night. , Lao Mo feels that there is something wrong with this person, because whenever his dear friend enters his study room, I would like to add that Lao Mo's study room is very spacious, there are many books in it, and there are also writing desks and water cups. The difference is that in his study room There are also many things that are now called drugs, and those things are packed in various glass bottles so that he can prepare them at any time, or fly for a while by himself or with fellow Taoists.In addition, in such a large room, of course a lot of candles need to be lit at night. Maupassant has poor eyesight, so there are even more candles lit than ordinary people. One week, very grand, how does Lao Mo feel that there is something wrong with that critic, because he finds that whenever that person enters his room, the second candle next to the number of the door always goes out—— This is the end of the story, Chen Xiaolu said to me, wait a minute, I'm going to the bathroom.I hung up the phone and continued to write. Five minutes later, Chen Xiaolu called again, saying that she was feeling well, but she was sleepy and wanted to sleep. However, before going to bed, she still wanted to hear me tell a story again. I asked her what to talk about, she said to tell about something that happened to me before, I said I hadn’t seen anything interesting, she said to just talk about it, the more boring the better, now she turns on the speakerphone, turns off the lights, turns off the Close your eyes, so that my boring stories can make her fall asleep peacefully. Through the phone, I heard her voice was a little strange. I knew that the room where she slept alone was very big and empty, so I asked her if I told it. The story scared her a bit, she said, she wasn't scared at all, she was just curious, but it would be better if I could tell something else, so I lit a cigarette, drank a sip of water, and continued to tell her. "When I was a child, I lived in a compound of the military region. There were several general buildings there. Because of the Cultural Revolution, the generals were all sent to the cadre school, and the buildings were vacated. Our family just moved in. We live on the first floor, and there are buildings under the first floor. There is a basement, which is not locked, so I often go down to play, the basement is very large, the layout is exactly the same as our house, and it has been cleaned very cleanly. The bulbs were unscrewed and replaced one by one. In the end, there was not even a single light in the basement, but I still often went to play with my friends. We touched blind people in it, so I was very familiar with it, especially me, even You can run in it without using a match, without bumping into anything. "One afternoon after school, I went to the basement with some children to play with the blind man. Everyone dispersed in the evening. When I got home, I found that the door key hanging around my neck was missing. It broke off and fell in the basement, so I went back to look for it alone. I didn’t bring a flashlight, and I didn’t even have a box of matches. I decided to look for it with my feet. If I kicked something that sounded, it must be my bunch of keys. up. "I went to the basement, searched around the hall, found nothing, came to a living room, still nothing, a total of three living rooms, I searched one by one, still nothing, so I went to the kitchen , no, I even searched in the pool, the basement was dark, and I felt very uncomfortable after staying in it for a long time, but at that time I was a surprisingly bold child, I didn't care about anything, my eyes slowly The earth is completely adapted to the dark, and I know that if my parents come home from get off work and find that I have lost the keys, they will say something about me, even more if they know that I lost it in the basement, because, since the light bulb disappeared , my parents no longer let me go to the basement to play. "I walked out of the kitchen and didn't know where to look for it. Suddenly, I thought there was another bathroom, so I opened the door and went in. I searched around, but still found nothing. I decided to borrow a flashlight from a classmate's house. I was standing in the hall, just about to leave, when suddenly I smelled a smell of smoke, not the smell of burning paper, but the smell of cigarettes. I was very sensitive to the smell of smoke since I was a child. I can report the brand, but this time I have never smelled the smell of smoke. Could it be that someone here is smoking? I walked up and down, eyes wide open in the dark, trying to see the light of that cigarette butt, but there was nothing, the smell of smoke was getting stronger, in the silence, I don't know if I heard it wrong, but there was a kind of There was a slight sound of flicking cigarette ash, and the direction of the sound could be determined. It was right in front of me. I walked straight and knew it was the bathroom. I just came out of it. I knew there was nothing there, but I was worried. , so I pushed open the bathroom door again. Suddenly, I was stunned by what I saw in front of me. I saw a woman in her thirties sitting on the toilet facing the bathroom door. She was wearing a red dress. She wore a cheongsam with permed hair, was very white, wore heavy lipstick, her arms were exposed outside the cheongsam, and she was smoking a long cigarette in her hand. In the bathtub beside her.I was stunned for a while, and I found that there was a light blue light shining from the ceiling in the bathroom where the woman was, and the woman didn't pay attention to me, she just sat on the toilet and smoked. , I don’t know when she came in, so I decided to leave, I slowly exited the bathroom step by step, turned around to leave, suddenly, a very thin voice came from behind, the voice was mixed with a thick puff of smoke The smell came to me, like a sighing sound, I stopped, hesitated, and turned around slowly, I saw that her cigarette had fallen under my feet, it was not extinguished, and the flame was still on, I saw her feet, she was wearing a pair of red high heels, the heels were thin and long, she was still sitting, did not notice me, I saw her seeming distressed, scratching her feet on the ground Go, I heard, with every stroke of her foot, there was a familiar sound coming, and I recognized it, it was my bunch of keys.I stood opposite her, hesitating, not knowing whether I should ask her for it or not. At this moment, she took out a cigarette again and lit it with a match with a bang. In the light of the fire, I saw her eyes. At this moment, she When I saw me, I was frightened, I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, because her eyes were very strange, she didn't seem to be looking at me, but at something behind me, I looked back, There was nothing behind me, I turned around again, and saw her bending down, picking up a bunch of my keys from the ground, shaking them gently in front of my eyes, the sound was pleasant to hear, I saw her raise her head, look at I, and then spoke to me, I wanted to hear what she was saying, but I couldn’t hear it for some reason, her voice was very thin and weak, but it was very weak, and every time she said a word, there was a smell of cigarettes on her face, she used The long smoke pointed at the key, then pointed at me, as if asking me if the key was mine, I nodded, and she made a "come here" gesture at me, I hesitated for a while, and didn't move, so, She gently threw the key into the bathtub next to her, then lowered her head, as if trying to remember something, I waited there, motionless, not knowing what to do, at this moment, she raised her head again and spoke to me , Say something, stop for a while, check my reaction, and then say it again, but I didn't hear a word. In order to hear clearly, I moved a small step towards her. Unexpectedly, it was this step that made the voice louder than before. So, I approached her in small steps, and as I approached, her head slowly lifted up, her eyes looked at me, bit by bit, bit by bit, finally, I found I finally heard what she said to me, she said to me..." With a "click", the other party hung up the phone. The next day, Chen Xiaolu told me that she was so frightened that she couldn't fall asleep at all. She got up and turned on all the lights in the house, and took another sleeping pill, but she couldn't fall asleep all night. She didn't even dare to go to the bathroom at home. 128 When it comes to horror stories, let me think of one person by the way. Although there are many writers who write horror stories in China (such as Pu Songling), in my opinion, the general level is more than bizarre and not enough scary.我印象最为深刻的一篇倒是出自我读中学时的课本里，那是鲁迅所作，题目好像是，故事写的是一个人血馒头的经历，让我不由得承认鲁迅真不愧是作恐怖小说的好手，证明这一点易如反掌，你只需看一看我就可明白个中原因，说老实话，从我读完那篇课文到现在，十几年了，居然养成了吃米饭的习惯，再不敢向馒头看上一眼，足可见其艺术感染力之深厚。 129 关于陈小露，我想我该讲的都讲了，连点点滴滴也未放过，德宝饭店分手以后，我们仍然有彼此的消息，并且还见过不止一面，我记得有一天晚上我去她那里，她正一个人喝酒，我坐在她对面，本想与她聊天，但却无话可说，我抽烟，她喝酒，偶尔对视，一会儿，她走过来，坐在我腿上，然后抱住我，抱得很紧，我的脸隔着她的衣服，贴在她的两只乳房之上，使我几乎难以呼吸，我们就保持那个姿势，呆了很久，然后我离去。这个场面我不爱提及的原因是，它很像我看过的某些电影场面，我不喜欢电影中的类似场面，说句实话，那次拥抱十分空洞，我不知我们的拥抱代表什么。 130 如果有一个人，成天拉着你四处乱转，今天让你饿得半死，明天让你尝遍山珍海味，后天发你一个美女，接下来一年只让你手淫而不让接触任何女色，一会儿让你向东，一会儿又让你向西，忽而让你失业，忽而又让你失恋，再呆一会儿又让你管理别人，没过多久却又把你卖为奴隶，突然间，让你有了朋友，接下来又给你财富，但很快再把你变成一个穷光蛋，让你众叛亲离，孑然一身，然后他找个机会把你推下万丈深渊，当你快到底儿时，他又把你从半空捞起，用力丢进大海，在你被苦涩海水灌得五迷三道之际，让你浮出海面，并教你游泳，然后指给你看不远处的一块陆地，按理讲，他对你不错吧，给你提供了那么丰富的内容，试问，你会觉得他怎么样？ 一般来讲，如果我遇到这个情况，我只是会觉得这个人在折腾我而已，当然，我这也只是乱猜一气。这个故事是什么意思？我告诉你，这个故事的意思是在讲——我与生我养我的这个世界的关系。 问题的关键在哪里呢？问题的关键是，有一点这个世界永远而且绝不向你透露，那就是为什么他要对你那么做。 我再问，你会觉得这个世界或者这个人怎么样？ 这就是我与陈小露分手后常问自己的问题，想这个问题让我很烦，这个世界如何看待我我不知道，但我对这个世界却是有着不少看法，这些看法虽然多变，也许其中掺杂不少成见，但随着我的年龄长大，一些基本的结论却是慢慢地越来越清晰了。 第一、我认为，这个世界对我缺乏善意，由此，我虽然无法断定这个世界的本质是恶的，但我也绝对无法同意这个世界具有善的本质。 第二、我认为，这个世界非常难以理解，以至于我几乎无法对它做出什么议论，也许这与我处于这个世界的底层有关。 第三、这个世界向我提供了好奇心，这使得我无法立刻离开这个世界，而且，我无法知道我的好奇心何时会消失。但这一点却无法证明什么。 第四、对于这个世界，我在本质上无法对其说三道四，因为没有弄清其中的任何一点东西。 第五、这个世界存在的理由，从逻辑上讲是无从知道的。 第六、作为一个作家，我对自己的真正使命缺乏了解，因而，我的创作属于盲目创作，它意味着，我不知道这个世界的真正需要，我也不知道我能给它增添什么，甚至，我认为，任何被需要的自我感觉都是一种幻觉。 当然，得出这些结论不仅与情感经历有关，可以说，它与我所有的生存活动都有关。