Chapter 12 111-120

111 After Lao Hei left, I asked the waiter to clean up, put away the dishes I didn’t eat, wipe the table, put on my trousers, and tidy myself up. I chatted about literature. "Zhou Wen, to tell you the truth, I also had ambitions in literature. One day, I took the manuscript of a novel that was returned by the editorial department, and suddenly realized what a novel is--that day my wife and I just got married. , when I got home, my wife was still sleeping, it was already dark, I saw my daughter-in-law lying on the bed, the rouge on her face hadn’t been wiped off, there were bright confetti in her hair, her little red satin padded jacket It was placed on the sofa next to the bed, and I held the rejected manuscript in my hand. I sat by the bed and read the rejected manuscript. It was a short story I wrote.

"My short story is about a ghost story. I dreamed that a ghost met me in the elevator at night. I didn't know she was a ghost. At that time, I lived on the eighth floor and the ghost lived on the eighteenth floor. On the tenth floor, we all sat up from the first floor. As soon as the elevator doors closed, I opened the newspaper to read. She was a female ghost, standing next to me, doing makeup in front of the mirror on the makeup box. She took a box of matches and lit the newspaper. I took one, burned it, then blew out the fire, and then used a matchstick to trace my eyebrows. When the elevator reached the sixth floor, suddenly, the lights went out and the elevator stopped.

"I no longer read newspapers, but knock on the iron door of the elevator with my hands, hoping that someone will hear, and get the elevator worker to rescue us. The ghost who lives on the eighteenth floor is a girl, very young. I used to go out by When I met her in the elevator, I didn’t know anything about her except that she lived in our building. Every time I saw her, I would look at her more, because she was really beautiful. I knocked on the elevator door for a while, No one answered, I thought there was another girl in the elevator, I wondered why she didn't knock on the door with me, so I looked back at her.

"I saw that she was still striking matches one by one and drawing her eyebrows. That girl is really beautiful. I can only look at her when the fire is burning. She doesn't speak or look at me, just I looked at the matches with my eyes and waited for the fire to go out, so I started talking to her, asking her where she lived and so on, I asked, she said, I asked her how many times did the elevator break down, she said yes It was the first time, I said it was my first time, and I asked her who else was in the family, she said it was just herself, I asked her if she was married, she said it was over, I asked her if she had children, she said no, I asked Which school did she go to before, she said she didn't go to school in Beijing, I asked where her husband worked, she said no, I asked her where she worked, she said she didn't work, etc, because I was thinking about the next one What was the question asked, but I didn't listen to her answer very carefully, and I didn't think there was anything strange about it.

"I also introduced myself. I said that I live on the eighth floor. If I have nothing to do, I can come to our house to play. I don't have a job. I stay at home and write novels. I used to have a girlfriend. Later, my girlfriend got married. The groom is not me. Wait, I chatted with her. When I was talking, she never interrupted or asked me questions. She just listened to me. , It will be embarrassing if you are in the cold. You know that I am the person who is most afraid of embarrassment, so I kept talking, hoping to arouse her interest. "But there is always a time when the words are finished. Suddenly, like a short circuit, my words are over. This is a sudden thing. I find that I can't say the following words, so I fell silent. I hope she can say a few words. But the girl didn't seem to care at all, so we stood in the elevator without saying a word, I was holding the newspaper, and she was there striking a match and drawing her eyebrows. But in terms of speaking, if you have something to say, you won't be indifferent, and if you don't be indifferent, you will feel more comfortable.

"At the moment when I was about to speak, I suddenly saw her eyebrows getting darker and darker. I thought, no, because her movements are like this. First light the match, and then wait for the fire to go out." Drawing with matchsticks, although she is holding a mirror in her hand, how does she see herself in the dark? After having this problem, I looked at her again, what a coincidence, her match was finished, and I saw She struck the last match and threw the empty matchbox on the ground. "Finally, the fire was extinguished, and we stayed in the dark without a sound. The more I thought about it, the more I was wrong, and the more I thought about it, the more afraid I became, so I turned around and knocked on the door. It was more than ten o'clock at night. I knocked for a long time, but there was no sound at all." People should, but I kept knocking, I kicked, shouldered, even headbutted, because I was afraid, so I couldn't think of anything but knocking on the elevator door, after knocking for a while, I felt tired, but I still Keep knocking, I know, as long as I don't stop, I don't need to think about the girl behind me, I understood at that time, this girl is a ghost, before I really saw a ghost, I never cared about ghosts, I always I tell ghost stories to girls to scare them, but after I actually met a ghost, I found myself very scared, scared to death, I don't know why, but I was just scared.

"I don't know how long it took, but I was finally exhausted. My arms became weaker and weaker, and my feet didn't have any strength. Slowly, I stopped and found that my whole body hurt like hell, and I was sweating all over. The pants were soaked, and finally, I found that I couldn't even stand up, so I squatted down panting heavily, where I squatted, with my hands folded in front of my chest, my head tucked into the collar, and my ears raised, Listening to the movement in the elevator, the strange thing is that I couldn't hear any sound except my own breathing. I held my breath, but I still couldn't hear it. At this time, I couldn't squat anymore, so I had to curl up I sat on the ground with my legs crossed, put my hands on the outside of my legs, and put my head on my legs. I thought, if a ghost came, I would just kick over.

"After staying like this for a long time, I suddenly felt that the ghost might have left. If she really left, I don't have to be afraid. You have seen the elevator in our building. It is very small, the kind that can't be more small. A small elevator can accommodate up to five or six people. In such a small space, the ghost must be very close to me. Besides, I was tired from curling up my legs, so I slowly stretched out my feet. First, I met a matchbox. , I can feel even a small matchbox, so I stretched forward, little by little, but there was nothing, I stretched my feet all the way to my head and didn't touch anything, so I concluded that the ghost had gone Let go, let go of your guts and move forward again, move your feet to the sides until you reach the wall of the elevator, then grope along the wall, and when you are almost at the corner, suddenly, I feel that I have bumped into something, and I am frightened I jumped and was about to take it back when I heard the girl's laughter.

"That kind of laughter is very light, but very pure. I have never heard such a laughter. I can't describe it as nice, because there is no content in the laughter, but a bit weird. I stopped and retracted my foot. , motionless, the laughter stopped, I heard a girl's voice, she asked me, do you think I draw my eyebrows well? "This question calmed me down. I think there are all kinds of ghosts. This girl must be a ghost that doesn't scare people, so she answered casually, it's okay, and then she stood up. She asked me again, what is your name?" What? I said my name is Jiancheng. Just after answering this question, I suddenly felt that the situation was wrong, because ordinary voices always have a source, and we can distinguish them even in the dark, but this girl’s voice is different. I I couldn't tell where she was, the voice seemed to come from all directions, but I was not too afraid at that time, because she had never done anything to hurt me, so I asked her if she was afraid in the elevator, and she said there was nothing to be afraid of , the building is full of people, some people will want to go upstairs or downstairs after a while, they will find that the elevator is broken, and they will find someone to fix it, then we will go out, or there may be a power outage, wait for the power to come , the elevator will automatically become better.

"I think what she said is right. I asked her, do you feel bored? She said it was ok, but asked me if I was bored. I said I was a little bored. She said, how about it, let me read the newspaper to you, and I said Okay, just pass the newspaper over, and she reads it page by page. Only then did I know that ghosts don’t feel light. When she was reading the newspaper, I interrupted from time to time to chat with her about the contents of the newspaper. , She didn't pay attention to the fact that I couldn't read the newspaper, and even talked to me. "In this way, we became acquainted, and the conversation became more natural. After reading the newspaper, I no longer regarded her as a ghost. I asked her, how old are you, and she said that she was twenty-three years old. I also Twenty-three, I said we were the same age, she laughed, I asked her when she got married, she said last year, I asked her husband if she was with her, she said her husband died, I said don’t Sad, you are so beautiful and young, and you will not worry about it in the future, she sighed and said that you may not be able to meet better people in the future, and we have nothing to say at this point.

"I stood up and knocked on the door again, but there was no response, so I sat down again and said, hey, can you sing? She said yes, I said you can sing me a song, she said I can't sing well, don't you Laugh at me, I said I won't laugh at you, I like to hear people sing, and she sang, a song I've never heard before, it's very nice, but I can't remember the words, that's it, After she sang one song, I asked her to sing another one. I don’t know how many songs I sang. I just remember that I haven’t heard any of them, but every one of them is beautiful. Her voice is very clean, and it sounds ethereal. And it was very sweet, and I really hoped that she could keep on singing—but she stopped, saying she was tired and couldn't sing anymore. "I asked her, do you want me to do something for you? She said, don't you write novels, just tell me a story. "Story of China"——At this moment, the elevator shook, and then the lights came on, and it really was a power outage. I stood up, and we both looked at each other, and we stopped talking. I found that her eyebrows were drawn really nicely, At this time the elevator reached the eighth floor, the door opened, and I knew I had to leave. "So I went to the elevator door and suddenly I thought I wanted to see her again, say goodbye to her, and I turned around, and it didn't matter this time, but it freaked me out, and guess what? I realized she wasn't there Yes! The elevator is so small, and I was standing by the door. She couldn’t go out first, but I couldn’t find her in such a small place. I looked at the top of the elevator, and she wasn’t there. Suddenly, I found The newspaper I took when I got into the elevator fell on the ground, and I saw the newspaper slowly float up from the ground, until it floated into the air, to the height in front of my eyes, and it just fluttered, fluttered, and the newspaper scattered It became as soft as a handkerchief, and it just fluttered there. I stared at it intently, and at the same time pressed my body against the door. Suddenly, I felt that the newspaper was very much like a person dancing. When I was in a daze, the newspaper folded automatically. I picked up the newspaper, lowered my head, and looked at the ground. There was nothing on the ground. I remembered that she had thrown a lot of matchsticks on the ground, but there were no more matchsticks and no matchboxes. I'm gone, I'm gone—" Later, I ran into that girl in the elevator and greeted her, but she acted as if she didn't know me. It seems that this ghost caused what happened in the elevator that night. all things are forgotten. " Jian Jian paused and took a sip of tea. "This is the novel I wrote that was rejected. I read it when I was married. For a while, I felt that literature is such a thing. It is like a beautiful female ghost living around us. It doesn't do any good, you feel it, it gives you an emotion, like when I read my novels when I was newly married, I read my emotions, that's it. You spend a lot of time thinking about it, Come to write it, you will understand some emotions, you get married, you drink, you fuck your own wife, you fuck other people's daughter-in-law, you earn money, you spend money, you fall in love with Chen Xiaolu, you eat, you drink water, you When you go shopping, you buy coffee and cigarettes, you see the streets, you see people, you see buildings, you see paintings, you listen to music, you read books, you see everything in the world, you publish your novels Come out, you get sick, you grow old, you die, that's it, that's what literature is." "Will you still write novels in the future?" I asked as I picked up my novel manuscript that he threw on the floor. "No," he paused, and then added, "never." I put the novel manuscript on the table. At this moment, I saw Jiancheng's tired and fat face shaking slightly. He was sleepy after he finished what he wanted to say. There were no other customers in the restaurant except the two of us. The waiter Seeing us dozed off, it's time, time to go home, I called the waiter, settled the bill, and looked back at Jiancheng, he had already fallen asleep on the table, his face was shining with oil, Breathing heavily, a trace of saliva dripped from the corner of his mouth, one hand was stretched out on a plate containing vegetable soup, and the other was drooping under the table. I sat beside him, lit a cigarette, and took a sip of the leftover tea in the cup. I thought of the stories he told, and I felt that when he told it, I was not only listening, but many other things were listening. Listen, I feel the soaked tea leaves in the teapot, I feel the unextinguished street lights on Chang’an Avenue, I feel the wind in the night, I feel a ghost listening, I feel all the trees in Beijing hanging on the trees The green leaves are listening and dancing with it. 112 I love built stories, love the literature he's done, his literature is terrific. 113 Jian Jian also had some other literature, which was published in an irregular magazine called "Nocturnal Animal Museum", when he was about twenty-five years old.He was expelled from the Institute of Foreign Languages. He went to Tibet as a tour guide for a year, where he cheated a lot of dollars and girls. After returning to Beijing, he became a nocturnal animal. He was once naked, with only a fox tail tied around his waist and a coat In order to participate in various literary events with an army coat, here are some of the completed literature I took from that magazine: I want to be the enemy of the world, I want to fight them to the end, I want to charge them with bare hands, I want to get into the steel point of the bayonet, I want to be killed by ten bullets, I want to die in the street, I want to be killed Chopped into meat paste, I will be burned to ashes by fire, I will be blown into the sky by the storm, I will be food for eagles and worms, and then, I will come back, and I will come back in three years to look into your eyes. I am a strange bird that flies out in the middle of the night, I am a ghost that can tell the truth, I am harder than metal, softer than water, bitterer than yellow lotus, colder than ice, I am the green of green, I am the fire Fire of fire, I am the wind of the wind, and I fight to die, and after I die, my undead will still work miserably to spread my faith. My youth, my girl, the seven girls I fucked in Tibet, the last girl I fucked in Tibet, you said you went to take a bath in the Lancang River, you said you would follow me to the Xuanwumen Church in Beijing Holy Communion, you said you would fuck me with your sister, you said your pony was lost in childhood, you said it was the sun that turned you purple, you said you were cornered like me, you said the new house needs cow blood Daub, you said you were born in Tibet, you said you were born in Shanghai, you said you were born in New York, you said you were as scared as I am, you said you were going to cast a spell, let countless hailstones knock me out, you Say I am your feces, your menstrual blood, your Tiananmen, the girl born in Tibet, the girl born in Shanghai, the girl born in New York, your pubic hair is prettier than your hair, your fingers are dexterous , your footsteps are heavy, you roll marijuana for me, dance disco for me naked, and wash clothes for me, on the eve of our mass suicide, do you remember that you once said to me, in the spring of April 1996, On the most waning night of the moon, do you want to be reborn with me? There are many genres in the novel, and I couldn’t help but want to separate a mountain from it, so I made up my mind to write two novels to make my debut. No problem, the novel has been completed, and it will be published in the next issue of "Nocturnal Animals". The content is introduced-the first article starts with a poop, not ordinary poop, but poop with leek leaves and watermelon seeds on it. Thick, black and smelly shit, I hope this beginning can interest you.The second story is about a beautiful girl, she is wearing a beige windbreaker, she is slender, with a slender neck, a very pale face and small facial features, in short, she is a real beautiful girl, one day, I was in the Xidan shopping mall I saw her walking towards me in front of the door, and I was trembling and so excited that I couldn't even walk in a straight line. There was a voice in my head, "Just take a look, and don't have anything to do with her." , don’t suffer so much because you love her, or you will spend the rest of your life in tears.” So, I passed her by, but when I passed by, I found——her nose A girl with a black nose is attached—please pay attention to the next issue of "Nocturnal Animal House". I will devote myself to these two short stories, both of which are related to love. I hope you will not miss my unique pioneering spirit. —— That's about it for built literature. 114 After I sent Jiancheng home, I was very tired. It was already broad daylight when I returned to my own home from his house. I was about to open the door lock when I suddenly found an envelope stuck to the door with chewing gum. I tore it open. There was a note in the envelope, I unfolded the note, and saw a line of extremely small words written on it——Do you not want me anymore?Chen Xiaolu. 115 Chen Xiaolu and I met at the Debao Hotel near Xizhimen, because there happened to be no traffic jam on the second ring road, I arrived half an hour earlier and sat waiting for her in the very uncomfortable coffee shop. A little further in the lobby, there is a white piano not far away. A woman who looks like thirty-five or sixteen years old is playing in a skirt that looks like a costume. I was confused. After drinking two cups of coffee, I still couldn't stop my drowsiness. I drank a lot last night and didn't sleep, so I went outside the hotel and bought a copy of "Beijing Youth Daily". The half-drinked coffee cup was removed, so I had to order a third cup of coffee. The coffee was completely instant coffee. , I looked at the entrance, once Chen Xiaolu appeared, I would immediately stand up, wave my arms, and lead her over.However, she was late, so I had to lower my head to read the newspaper. The newspaper was boring to read, full of irrelevant articles and advertisements, like a four-page aunt narrating to you, it was horrible, It happened that I accidentally knocked over the cup, so I spread the whole newspaper on it. To be honest, it can be used as absorbent paper. Soon, the instant coffee quickly seeped into the newspaper, and the cleaning work was completed. The newspaper came to a trash can and threw it in. When I turned around, Chen Xiaolu just appeared, and I walked towards it. "Let's talk over there." Chen Xiaolu pointed to the cafe. So I ordered the fourth and fifth cups of instant coffee, looked at the black liquid swaying in the cup, and then looked up at Chen Xiaolu, both things made me feel dizzy. "No one answered the phone last night, did Liu Mi go out again?" "No, I'm going to drink." "No wonder, I came to your place in the dark at three o'clock in the middle of the night, and climbed up to the twelfth floor, but you haven't come back yet." She smiled, "Haven't you slept yet?" "Didn't sleep." "Are you sleepy?" "good." "I have nothing to do, I just want to see how you are doing." "I've always been like this." "Don't you want to meet?" "I have no idea." "I tell you, my husband is here again, can't you bear it?" "I have no idea." "How many green hats did you bring him, think about it." "Not counted." "You're angry with me." She took a sip of boiling coffee and pointed out decisively. I looked at her, saw her sitting opposite me, still dressed in a fairy, still tempting. "What do you say I should do?" "I have no idea." "You said why you didn't give me a call?" "I don't want to fight." "It seems that we are here." She lowered her head. I didn't speak, I didn't know what to say. "what are you doing?" "writing a novel." "Don't write about me—" "I wrote it." "Don't write it and publish it." "I don't publish." "I don't want to be your material—" Chen Xiaolu suddenly laughed, and then looked at me with serious eyes, "Promise me, don't publish the novel you wrote about me." "I promise." "That's about the same. I know you don't like to lie." She was wrong. "This meeting is meaningless," she sums it up accurately. "How are you?" I asked. "Me? My course is over. Now I want to enroll in another class, learn something, and strive for what you call self-reliance. You always think that everything is easy, but it is not that simple. You always think about it all at once. How can it be possible to get things done, I have to take my time." "What else?" "What else?" "Are you still in Beijing?" "Me? I'm going to Xinmatai, and I'll bring you a gift when I come back—do you want a ladyboy photo?" "don't want." "Where did I take the photo with the shemale?" "Neither." "Where is the picture of me and three ladyboys together?" "don't want." "Then I don't know what to bring you." "No need to give me presents." "That's good - I'll go first, remember, when you look for other girls in the future, you must buy Durex, don't buy those messy ones, and don't buy prickly ones, it's useless." "I remember - only use Durex." "goodbye." "Don't go now—" Before the words finished, something happened that I didn't even expect. I mean—in the public, my throat seemed to be blocked by something in an instant, waiting for me It was too late to understand, and the shameful tears burst out of my eyes. "What's wrong with you?" she asked me. I wanted to tell her that my hard heart was gone, I seemed to be broken, I—but I couldn't say it, I wiped away my tears and said, "It's okay, you go first." She stared at me for a while, stood up, and left. I watched her thin back disappear into the green leaves of large tropical plants. After a while, faintly, the sound of the piano sounded in my ears, and the sound became louder and louder. I looked around again. On the left, a fat man was stuck in the seat, holding a mobile phone in his hand, and on the right were two companies. Clerks, each holding an identical briefcase, with the piano in front. At some point, the performer changed a piece of music, which is so familiar, but I can’t name it. I can hear this piece in many places. The piano piece, because it is unbearably poor, can stand out from the many pieces and make it easy for me to recognize it. I listened to it and almost hummed along with it——finally remembered, yes. , It sounds so awkward to me, the voice is not pleasant, the sentence is not pleasant, it is smelly and long, it is a waste of words, it is extremely empty, and it is disgusting, just like "The Confession of the Great Lama". 116 It all came so unexpectedly, I was shocked, I mean, I was shocked by the impatience in my own emotions, which appeared so suddenly that I hadn't had time to appreciate it, and the impatience was not Erupted in a controlled manner. I couldn't figure out why I behaved like this to Chen Xiaolu. She came to me because she obviously wanted to get along with me, but I refused. If I say that the topic about her husband hurt my self-esteem, then it is far-fetched and a bit untenable. Hold on, although I have a strong self-esteem, everything about her and her husband is an old-fashioned topic, and I shouldn't have such a strong reaction. On the contrary, Chen Xiaolu always thinks so. In fact, we still met, we talked on the phone, we still talked about things between us, and I followed her train of thought to clear up the whole thing more than once, but I knew it was all nonsense. That's the way it is, it can't be worse, and, of course, it can't be better. I went home and continued to write my novel, about myself, about other things I know, I have not been able to write well, a lot of things can't be sure, because there are too many things I don't know, don't know. 117 When I meet a new girl, when I start a relationship, I'm often ecstatic, I can't help it, but once that's over, I mean, after the newness of the body and the mind, I It seems that there is nothing like a refrigerator that can keep emotions fresh, nothing, beautiful appearance, excellent moral character, lovely temperament, even jealousy, betrayal and other things that play a wonderful role in emotions It doesn't work either.If a fresh emotion is like a flower, when it's in the bud you can't recognize it, you can't guess what it will be like in the future, when it's in full bloom, you see it, feel it, just for a moment, it will bloom It's so beautiful, like when a drop of dew reflecting the moonlight rolls gently from the petals, but this is the end, everything ends here, and everything after that is tasteless, my own emotions Although the experience is simple, I read other people's experience from the book, and it is nothing more than wide-eyed, struggling, waiting for other moments of flowers, such as flowers being placed in the flowers, such as flowers being moved into the wind and sand, Such as flowers being placed in music, such as flowers withering - this causes all kinds of emotional fluctuations in the observers - admiration, desire, sadness, excitement, regret, longing, tenderness, etc. - I don't know why those observers have so much emotion. Great patience to wait for something that is almost the same in essence to slowly appear, so much leisure to express, I don't understand, even a great mind often repeats this process endlessly, in my opinion, no matter what it is People, as long as they are so interested in feelings, it is difficult for me to understand. The only reason I can understand them is that they are so boring that they can only be used as a pastime for a long time to pass the time. Endless days, or, their sex drive is so strong that it overshadows their interest in other things. I am thirty-one years old, and in my limited understanding of the opposite sex, I have to say that the other half created by God is really simple and boring. If there is finally a torment between the two sexes, it will be the same as the torment that chicken ribs do to diners. And I myself have such an emotion, that is, if I have a good impression of a woman before I know her, I will tell her bluntly according to my intuition. If I am rejected, I will immediately lose interest in her. So I did this after careful consideration. First, if the wishes of both parties are the same, then it should be a matter of course and continue to develop.Second, if the desires of the two parties contradict each other, then it should be stopped immediately, and any insistence will be useless.Third, if the other party is interested in you, but pretends to refuse on the surface, then it proves that this person is hypocritical. I don’t think it’s worth working hard on a hypocritical person, because you have to analyze her from side to side and guess. , Don't waste time and energy, and still can't get the correct answer, why bother. My method is very suitable for Chinese people. In my opinion, the first characteristic of Chinese people is not to tell the truth. Therefore, the efficiency of anything, including emotional matters, is very low. Moreover, when your real purpose is to pass This is very obvious when the opposite sex explores relationships, explores other things besides you, because you can't get any truth from it. Learn to lie, for example, if you say "I want to fuck you" to a girl, she'll probably freak out and say, "How could you do that!" because she wants to hear you say anything but fuck her .Unfortunately, only "fuck" is the truth.As far as I know, in China, over time, all love saints can start their own private business, hold a liar study class or something.This is purely my personal observation.Of course, I don't speak to those who just want to relieve their sexual pain. Again, according to my observations, almost all general chats are pure nonsense, because all chats have nothing to do with chatting, and general chatting is nothing but mutual compliments, which are gross, except for saying good things about each other , it’s hard to find other topics to talk about, high-level conversations will talk about other things, such as the history of the two, of course, almost all of them have been whitewashed, and then talk about the present, so far, maybe the point Marginal, because the current situation can often be observed and verified. What I want to say is the third step, the third step that is exasperating, the third step that is the most unreliable, and the third step that is the most absurd. The two sides start to look forward to the future , remember, at this point, it can almost be said that even fairly honest people have stumbled here without exception, when the two finally talked about the future, my God!The future, the future with no bounds or shadows!Go ahead, talk nonsense, guarantee it with some kind of personality, go with a powerful and unconstrained style-don’t forget to record it with a tape recorder, or record it in a record, sign a contract, and summarize it when you regret it The reason is to fight again-from this point of view, it is better to talk about business than to talk about feelings. At least the buyer and the seller have something to exchange-but how to honor it in the future?Unfortunately, the relationship that most people talk about is mainly here, and you know how confusing the consequences after the deal will be. Therefore, for those who long for true feelings, longing for communication and thus escape from loneliness, there is a dilemma in love: because the trick often lies in one word, lie!If you really do that, what you talk about will definitely be a fake relationship. As for the "waking up from a big dream" in the future, there is no need to mention it. If you don't do that, you will face a tragic failure. Of course, failure is related to you wishes contradicted.Therefore, this reality prompts us to learn from the painful experience and still look left and right, but still at a loss. Come back to me. If I get lucky the first time and don't get rejected, the next step will be miserable, because I don't know what else to do with a man and a woman other than fuck, and if I do something like Things that can be done by one person, such as eating outings, watching movies and listening to music, so what's the point of being together?The meaning of the two of them is only one thing, that is to explore each other's hearts. In fact, this is a matter that takes a lot of energy and time. However, based on my experience, I guarantee that you will not be able to do this! Because, if the hearts of two people can withstand mutual exploration, there must be more or less something, if there is less, explore less, like there may be more well-educated people, you can explore more, the situation appears here The problem, the problem is—let me talk about my own mind first, I don’t know what’s in it—the other party, when I looked at the other party’s mind, I couldn’t help shaking my head—someone said "others are hell" and said The person who said this is really happy, because he unexpectedly found a hell, the content of the hell is quite impressive, it can be said to be all-inclusive, unfortunately, what I saw was a desert, and there were finally a few trees with strong vitality in the middle Plants, with small signs of old customs or folk customs hanging on them, what should I do? Perhaps, the impatience towards Chen Xiaolu stems from this. For this situation, I felt very desperate, so after exploring a few dull minds, I stopped abruptly. In the face of the successor, I can only give a reasonable suggestion, that is, stop wasting time , After getting one, go crazy, make the next generation, train it well, make it have a heart, let him or her try luck again. 118 Since I can remember, an inexplicable sense of futility and failure has always been lingering around me. I can't get to the bottom of it, only some so-called "phased results" have been achieved, but the truth has always been puzzling to me, which makes me very annoyed. I will record my exploration process and briefly introduce it. First, attribute the sense of failure to my birth—why was I born? Birth is a thing, it must have a reason, the most common reason may lie in the parents, there are too many possible deeper reasons to discuss - if there is a reason, there must be a result, what is the result?That is when things die, that is, I die.As long as I don't die I can't know the result, and after I die, I still can't know the result, I can't know the result anyway.Just as I have no knowledge of what happens after death, I was not present when I was alive. In other words, I was not present when the most important "causes" and "effects" of life occurred, so I have no way of knowing them.是什么，我不知道起因，也不知道结果，我就如同有人放起的风筝，只在空中乱飘，直到一阵狂风把我这纸糊的身架弄散为止，我既弄不清为什么飞，何时飞，也不知飞向哪里，去干什么，更不知何时坠毁，那么我瞎飞个什么劲呀？ 至于那些乱七八糟的理由我更不屑一顾。什么为了帮助同类呀——我帮同类干什么？什么为了欢乐呀——我瞎欢乐干什么？什么善恶呀——善恶干什么？什么生存呀——生存干什么？妈的，所有的一切全都站不住脚！因此，作为一个不名飞行物，我为自己深感徒劳与失败，什么也无法安慰我的这种情绪，事实上，作为一个没有起因没有结果的破玩艺，我，我简直不知道自己是什么——至于别人，他们也可能与我一样，也可能不一样，他们的起因与结果由于我不是他们这一点，我更无从从知晓，他们的新发明新创造他们记录的历史文化等等，如同他们本身一样让我无从下手了解，而我判断了解事物的惟一依据便是我自己的感觉与知觉，他们，我不想主观地乱想他们，他们是什么——与幻影与鬼魂没有任何区别，让他们见鬼去吧！ 119 我说过，我始终为自己迷茫着，始终是这样，我无法讲清什么，我连一吐为快的劲头都没有，我毫无办法。 我依靠读传记来体验人生，什么样的传记我都能读下去，连给动物写的传记我都可以读，我通过传记，经历过种种人生，传记里的人物吃饭，我就吃饭，传记里的人物操逼，我就操逼，传记里的人物写什么书，我就看什么书，我认为这样很适合我的经济水平和社会地位，由于经济水平和社会地位有限，我有很多东西无法体验，但是，有一点我始终是可以看清的，就是那些与我一样的不名飞行物们，他们之中好的不过是给自己订了一套规则从而貌似飞得有理有据或是舒舒服服，差的也无非是跟着别人瞎飞一气或是累得要命，叫我气愤的是，这帮蠢货（原谅我说话粗鲁，因为我确实气愤）在坠毁之前全都糊里糊涂地没有完成任何所谓历史使命，也就是说，他们连原因和结果都搞不懂，却在大谈飞行这件事，并且做出各种花哨的动作，有的高飞，有的低飞，有的盘旋，有的竟还翻出什么斤斗，更有甚者，居然发动机停了或是折断了一只翅膀也要一飞到底，他们这到底是什么意思？ 有一些人是我稍加注意的，就是那些自杀者，那些飞厌了家伙们，他们可真是机灵鬼儿，看看苗头不对便铩羽而归，真是有意思。 120 与陈小露分手一个星期后，我决定把关于她的故事写出来，这种想法几经犹豫，着实令我感到矛盾，在我严肃考虑一件事的时候，我会竭尽全力把它考虑周详，这是我的一个习惯，有时候，我几乎认为这是一个坏习惯，说它坏主要是因为这样做很麻烦，需要多花一些时间来做准备，但是，回想我的人生经验，即使从直觉上考虑，我也认为，这是对的。 由于具有这种经验与认识，我当然不会贸然动手写作，于是开始回想并记下我与陈小露接触的种种细节，思索其中意义，我整天干着这样的事情，反倒叫我对我们在一起这一事件本身失去兴趣，以致她再次打来电话，我也只是应付应付而已，但是，这一事件所表达的意义，却在我头脑中渐渐成为一个越来越大的问号，吸引我为之工作，尽我所能，解答出其中所含问题，以及这件事对于我自身的意义。 但我想，得出结论却为时尚早，而且，我不得不说，没有可能。