Chapter 11 100-110

101 Sometimes people feel sad, which is an extremely unhealthy emotion, because sadness often appears when people are powerless to change reality, when people recall, and when people are weak. On that day, I sat at the desk He brushed off the dust on the computer monitor with his hands, threw the ashtray into the garbage bag, turned the seat, and scanned everything in the room.At this time, sadness fell from the sky, like a sudden heavy punch, and before I could reach out to resist, it knocked me down completely. It was so blatant and generous, and it stood In front of me, shameless and arrogant, this kind of style is of course very annoying, but I can't make any response to this situation, but close my eyes and let this feeling go, I don't know how long it has passed, I woke up, picked out the ashtray from the garbage bag, went to the kitchen to wash it, walked back to the hall, opened the suitcase, put the dirty clothes inside into two piles, lifted the cover of the washing machine, put them in half Tank water, pour washing powder into it, then throw a pile of clothes into it, turn the timing hand to half an hour, and start washing clothes, I sit by the washing machine with a book in my hand, I can’t even read it, I’m just in a daze I listened to the rumbling sound of the washing machine spinning and stopping. Half an hour later, after a pile of washing was finished, I shook them off one by one and hung them on the balcony to dry, and then repeated the above process to wash the second pile of clothes. , I returned the other supplies in the suitcase to their original places, and called Zhao Dongping who was still working hard in the hotel, encouraging him to continue writing tenaciously.

By the way, Zhao Dongping, when Chen Xiaolu and I were inseparable, he was distracted and extremely unbalanced. First of all, Chen Xiaolu came to see me every day, so I wrote desperately when she was away, and I had no time to chat with Zhao Dongping. When Chen Xiaolu came , I closed the door, and of course I ignored him. Therefore, his loneliness can be imagined, and I forgot anything else. It's quite rare to spend all your time, and I don't know how he will explain it to his wife. Besides, when I left, his ten episodes only progressed to three episodes, and I don't know how he can fool the last seven episodes after I left.

The reason why I wrote so quickly is because I thought I could go home as soon as possible and live with Chen Xiaolu. We mentioned this kind of life several times, and every time she mentioned it, she happily described it with me. An illusion formed in my mind, thinking that she really wanted to do this, and could do it, so I worked hard, and regarded the shadowless world that we jointly described as real, so I rushed away as soon as possible. Unexpectedly, you were flying like flying, You are flying like lightning, you arrive on schedule, you think you will reach the sky in one step, but unfortunately when you look back, she has not moved, and you enter alone in the home that requires two people to become a paradise. In an instant, the paradise becomes a prison, and you become yourself. Prisoner of my own world—what an irksome thing is that this kind of self-defeating situation has happened more than once in my muddled life because of not being good at learning lessons!How pathetic!

102 I hate it when girls reject me, no matter what, no matter the circumstances, no matter why. I never make any demands on the girls I like, just don't give them a chance to reject me. For me, liking someone means never saying no. No matter what kind of thing, no matter under what circumstances, there is no reason. Never saying no, it's a paranoid and terrible emotion, I know it. I was wrong, and what I should know more is that I should also learn to reject—refuse everything, everything. 103 Maybe, I'm an extremely romantic fantasist, maybe, I'm just a lover of sex.

I can't figure myself out, I can't figure out myself, I can't figure out Chen Xiaolu, I can't figure out everything when I go home and wash all the dirty clothes and smoke all the cigarettes. But I know that the idea of ​​happily going home and preparing to spend the day with Chen Xiaolu is a purely stupid idea, and when a stupid idea comes from the heart, of course it becomes a stupid and stupid idea. When a person is fascinated by stupid ideas, this person is destined to be a fool, and when he is fascinated by stupid ideas from the bottom of his heart, this person is of course a fool among fools-it goes without saying that in this respect, I mean when it comes to being king of jerks, I've had the misfortune of being far ahead over and over again-what's that word-"champion," fuck the champ.

Don't laugh, when I write these words, my tears are still rolling in my eyes. Then, my expression returned to seriousness. From the bottom of my heart: This is really something that should be taken seriously. 104 Three days after I got home, I made the decision to drop the script and start writing what I really meant to say, I mean, novels. I have been relieved for a long time since I made this decision. Life is short, fragile, and worthless. It is absurd to struggle in it. The most shameless decent life full of lies is boring to me. Everyone knows that it is so vulgar, even if it is a change of taste, I have to turn around on the same spot-why not try a more desperate life?

The weather was extremely hot that day, the sun came in directly from the window, I stood on the balcony against the scorching sun, stuck my head out of the window, looked at the cars driving one after another on the second ring road downstairs, and smoked my mouth I spit out the cigarette into the air, and seeing the little cigarette butt falling slowly, I couldn't help being excited. I felt that I was falling slowly like a cigarette butt with a faint flame. For a moment, I thought that the mere twelve-story building was the abyss. 105 Fiction writing, to me, means change, not for the better, but for everything to be bad, and the sign of everything bad is to stop lying, tell the truth, telling the truth is not easy, the truth means going through the lies To find the truth of things, of course, finding the truth is impossible, at the very least, you should ask a few questions in the direction where the truth may be.

It was with this attitude that I started writing. 106 In my life, I am used to seeing such people. They know themselves very well, and think that all ignorance must be someone else, and everything that is appropriate and appropriate must be themselves. Already proficient in everything.They also have very unique views on life. They believe that continuous improvement of social status and economic status means climbing to success, and that life is food, rice, oil, salt, labor and entertainment. , They are indifferent to everything except living, and nothing is useful except what they already know. There is no need to talk about life, just experience it. Zha Zhua lives in the world, fends for himself, knows his own suffering, enjoys his own happiness, is strong and brave, and is respectable.People like this are all over the earth and they've made it so boring it's almost uninhabitable, but if you want to get tired of them there's only one way out, and that's listening to dead people talk, which is to read books written by people who were very interesting when they were alive , because there are very few such interesting characters, the books left by them seem to be rare and expensive. I think this is the meaning of writing in my opinion.

Of course, nine out of ten people who are able to write are just pretending to be the number, and it is not difficult to get mixed into the writing team. The problem is that it is not difficult to judge whether you are Mr. Dong Guo, but it is difficult to believe in your own judgment. more difficult things. From the beginning of writing until now, I have slipped to the mirror every day to look carefully and identify things. Usually, what I see always disappoints me, so I grin bitterly, and then leave with sadness in my heart. In particular, this action is purely natural and cannot be stopped. Until now, it has become a scene of ugly drama that is automatically performed every day and makes me laugh and cry. Do you know what it means that I still insist on writing?

As I said before, to write is to tell the truth. When you face yourself, it is very boring to go around. To keep silent is hypocrisy. To tell a part but not all is a lie, and it is the worst kind of lying. . I say too much on topics that others avoid talking about. 107 The matter of starting to write made me temporarily put Chen Xiaolu aside. I immersed myself in the world of memory, consulted my surviving diary and the few words I left before, and after sorting them out, I slowly explored the places I had walked through in a daze. The road of life, sometimes the memory is interrupted, so I stop writing, find books related to my personal interests, do self-analysis through reading and thinking, and record them, and use them as reference materials for my writing. I call this activity "I work".

The scope of my work is very wide, from the first day to reach the point of nowhere, in fact, I do not know what I do, but, just a few days, I have a lot of fun, I I was never a confident person, and as I got older, I became more and more confident in myself, so I tend to vacillate about the conclusions I draw in my work, so my writing is full of doubts , I sometimes doubt whether I have the ability to write, sometimes I am suspicious of what I write, I write a page, I don’t know what to say, I write another page, it’s still the same, but I still persevere, sometimes I feel that I should describe life from the inside, sometimes I feel that the outside world should also be mentioned. In short, I write a thousand words and digress thousands of miles. However, even so, I can't make a big deal and continue without thinking about something before I fully confirm whether it is correct or not. Of course, there are many things in it. The main reason is that I am not confident, and, for some reason, confident people always make me feel very awkward. I have thought about it in every possible way, but I can't find a correct answer, but there is one point that may be discussed, which is that I just From feeling, that is, confident people often express their self-confidence in the form of domineering, and I am often at a loss in the face of domineering, so the feeling of awkwardness arises spontaneously. 108 I really appreciate Wittgenstein's "Philosophical Investigations", even the preface is also very interesting. Here are a few random excerpts: "The thoughts I have published in this book are the crystallization of my philosophical research in the past sixteen years. They are Many topics are covered: concepts of meaning, understanding, propositions, logic, etc., foundations of mathematics, states of consciousness, and others. I write all these thoughts in treatises, short paragraphs. They sometimes become very long essays on the same topic. but sometimes I change abruptly and jump from one subject to another.—At first I intended to bring all these things together into one book, which I imagined to be in different forms at different times , but the important point is that the ideas must flow from topic to topic in a natural order, with no gaps in between. "I have tried several times, unsuccessfully, to connect my work into a whole. I have since realized that I will never succeed. The best I can write will be philosophical treatises at best. "—My achievements have been misunderstood, more or less diluted or even distorted in the circulation. This hurt my vanity and made it difficult to control myself. "—for since I resumed my study of philosophy sixteen years ago, I have had to recognize that in the first book I wrote there was a serious error. "I have misgivings about publishing these things. As poor as this book is, and as dark as the times are, it may not be its destiny to bring light to this or that mind—but Of course, most likely it is impossible. I do not wish that my writings should spare others the trouble of thinking.But if possible, I hope it sparks someone's own mind. "I would have liked to write a good book. This wish has not been fulfilled. However, the time has passed for me to improve it. Cambridge, January 1945" so handsome!However, what is really cool is the content after the preface. No self-confidence, no rambling nonsense, unpretentious, yet remarkably beautiful and clear. In Lao Wei's writings, there is not a single nonsense, which is almost close to Newton's mathematical formulas. Although it is sometimes laborious to read, it is extremely enjoyable-in contrast, Foucault, Dora Si and the like appear NFEA2 in NFEA2 wordy, rambling, and simply not worth mentioning. I think the old Wittgenstein's writing is meaningful writing. 109 Faced with this kind of writing by Lao Wei, I was really troubled. This kind of nerve-wracking feeling is very annoying. No matter how I write, I often feel like a clown and very boring when I compare it. The Suffering of the Singers". So, I faced my writing boringly, still working hard, but my heart was as desperate as a little cigarette butt sliding into the abyss. The tragedy of the little cigarette butt is that it has been extinguished in the process of falling . I am not afraid of other people's ridicule, because no one has ever been able to laugh at the point, but it is not easy to resist the ridicule from myself, which is very prominent in my writing. If I want to write, I must resist the ridicule from myself, I hesitated, but I couldn't bear to give up.Gradually, through writing, I played a cruel game with myself. This game is extremely complicated. I won’t talk about it here, but I can tell others the result of the game. That is, I slowly concluded that my life is worthless. Value, it’s easy to say, I found myself with nothing new to show other than clichés, so when I’m in a good mood, I call myself a scumbag, and when I’m in a bad mood, I call myself a dung-making machine, Of course, it’s not all because I eat in the kitchen when I’m in a good mood, and go to the bathroom to defecate when I’m in a bad mood. As for my writing, that's all for now. 110 "Hey, blackie, do you know? I fucked my wife during the day!" When he uttered these words, Jiancheng happened to be across the dining table from me. He waved an empty draft beer cup in the air. We were in a small restaurant called Hongbaole near Dongsi at that time. Jiancheng, Lao Hei and two girls brought by Lao Hei to dance in the song and dance troupe were late at night, a week after I started writing. "Come on, drink less—" "Stop talking nonsense, don't worry about me, you pour me, pour me!" Jiancheng held up an empty glass, and Old Hei had to pour beer into Jiancheng's empty glass, "I told you, Old Hei, that I love to fuck my wife , anyone's daughter-in-law can be successful, we used to be young and rich, we didn't like to fuck our own daughter-in-law, we liked to fuck other people's, now we are dying, we can't do it anymore, we have to fuck our own daughter-in-law, I tell you, old black, We have been friends for so many years, let me tell you, I fucked my wife during the day just to drink with you at night—do you think I am enough friends?" "Friends enough! Friends enough! —— Hey, Jian Jian, you put on your pants first, we are friends enough, think about it, when you took off your pants on the bowling track of Dongdan Gymnasium, who put them on for you?" "I do not remember." "Put your pants up and make—" "Where are my pants? Why can't I see them?" "On your ankle." "Did your panties come off?" "It's gone, it's gone long ago." "You lied, old black." "I did not lie to you." "You lied to me, old black." "Built, built—" "You really lied to me, Old Hei, I tell you, Old Hei, you lied to me, do you know why? Let me tell you, I haven't worn underwear for more than a year." Jiancheng sat down on the chair, pretending to be disappointed, needless to say, Jiancheng was drunk again. Lao Hei was wearing a dark gray Goldlion suit, a black shirt, and a white tie with a string of mice painted on it. Yes, because Jian Jian just went to the bathroom, maybe he forgot to fasten his belt and rushed out to drink and talk with us.I have experienced this kind of dinner at night many times, and I have long been familiar with it, and Lao Hei is even more familiar with it. The cause of the incident was Jiancheng. He went to the Sanlian Bookstore next to the art museum alone in the evening and bought a pack of books. Suddenly he was hungry, so he came to Xinle not far away. After drinking a glass of wine, he felt lonely, so he thought of his friends, Lao Hei happened to be taking two girls to watch Renyi’s drama nearby, so he came over to eat together. Soon, more and more people gathered, and I was called from home. He ate chicken and stewed mushrooms, but Xingle didn't have this dish, so he switched to Hongbaole. During the transition, other people saw that something was wrong and slipped away one after another. After getting drunk, it is difficult but very interesting. It is difficult because you are not drunk and you have to take care of him. It is interesting because you are also drunk, so you spend family happiness with him.At the moment, he's just hilariously funny, because I'm drunk, and of course Blackie isn't spared either. "Where's the old man?" "Let's go." I replied. "Leaving?" Jiancheng looked around, "Didn't he want to read your novel?" "I forgot to give it to him." "Bring it, bring it—I'll see it, I'll see it—I want to see what the up-and-comers in the literary world are writing." I handed him the typescript of the novel I had just written. Jiancheng picked up my manuscript, threw it on the ground without further ado, and then said impassionedly to me: "Zhou Wen, you are so young, why waste your time on novels? , don’t drink, don’t fuck girls, tell me, why?” "No reason." "No why? Let me tell you, I'm from here. I'll tell you who writes novels. I'll tell you who writes novels. I know a lot of people who write novels. Let me tell you—" "You sit down and talk, you sit down and talk." Lao Hei pulled Jiancheng's skirt to let him sit down. Lao Hei was afraid that Jiancheng would fall on the table and he would have to tidy up later. "You make me say, you make me say—" "Who won't let you say—" "It's fine if I sit down, you just let me talk when I sit down?" "Go ahead." "Old Hei, where's your girl?" I looked at the two girls, who were leaning against each other and fell asleep. "Jiancheng—help me persuade Zhou Wen to write a script—I'll send the girl back—he's too fucking drunk." "Old Hei, let's go - drive carefully -" Lao Hei stood up, woke up the two girls, and the three went out. "Old Hei, I have something to tell you—come here." Lao Hei went to the door and backed away, Jiancheng watched the two girls go out, and said to Lao Hei: "It's nothing else, I want you to do something for me." "What's the matter, you said—" "Go back and fuck those two girls for me, stand up and fuck that pussy, lie down and fuck that slut." I laughed out loud. "No problem, just be careful—" Old Hei said. "I'm fine. I'm talking about literature with Zhou Wen. Don't worry about our literary affairs." Jian Jiancheng said, and then said to me who was still laughing, "How is it? The language is still tough, right?" "Goodbye." Lao Hei nodded at us and walked out. I still can't stop laughing.