Chapter 14 131-140

131 When Daqing was in Beijing, he talked to me about a creative problem. He believed that many writers, especially socialist writers, like to attach their creative themes to certain motifs, such as fate and pain. Questions can be easily raised by anyone, but they cannot be solved by anyone. Therefore, the work of writers is just to elaborate these motifs repeatedly, that is to say, no one will say "Why should fate exist, why should fate exist?" There are pains, what is the meaning of their existence, whether their existence is knowable or unknowable", the writer just elaborates on the title, and just tells you-"There is such a thing as fate and pain in the world. , in my experience, it behaves like this—”

It's ridiculous, the novel is such a ridiculous thing, it's nonsense, and it exists only when both the author and the reader are confident that they know something. But I am very dissatisfied with some of the work of writers. One of the reasons is that it is trivial and unusual-to say a thousand things and ten thousand things, just for one sentence, for example, the fate of people is absurd and painful.It is a simple thing, but it is very troublesome for the writers. Sometimes I even think it is unfair to the readers. It is a bit like the process of bullying. When you meet a child, you want to tell him that it hurts to be beaten, it is very uncomfortable It's good, you tell him, or hit him, but no, you have to slap him first, then you kick him, then you punch him in the back of the head, put the kid down, ride on him, and grab him hair, bang his head against a rock, and you get up, find a stick, and hit the child in the stomach, and you go away again, and come back with a machete in your hand—and finally, you say to the child, Now you know, it hurts to be beaten, it's very uncomfortable, right?

132 There is a poet laureate in the United States named Proust. His life was flat, his career was basically smooth, his love was smooth, and he wrote a lot of long and short poems that were neither painful nor itchy. Before he died, he thought about his epitaph, and it appeared on the tombstone He wrote such a sentence to explain the relationship between his life and the world, which is called: "I have had a lover's quarrel with this world." This can almost be regarded as a summary of a perfect life. It is beautiful, meaningful and tender, and it is completely a poem. But I can't agree with him, because his point of view is really not broad, and his personal experience is rich, and the kind of beautiful and pleasant experience is even infuriating. I don't think I can get that kind of experience, and few people can get that kind of experience. I mean, in seeing this world so dark, I can almost conclude that if the world is a crowd pleaser, then my pursuit of her will never succeed, and I don't want to rape the world, nor do idle pursuits Or, therefore, I have no choice but to part ways with her and fall into solitude, and then I will write truthfully on the epitaph: I may have something to do with this world, but to what extent, unfortunately, I may not know until I get there.

This is what I thought after breaking up with Chen Xiaolu. 133 After the emotional entanglement with Chen Xiaolu left me, it naturally left a void in the emptiness. As the void grew, so did the feeling of emptiness. Therefore, resolving them has become a major event in my life, which makes me feel Thankfully, I live in Beijing. As I said, Beijing is a big city, and there are many people, many of whom have the same experience as me. Of course, Beijing is prepared for such people. It is undoubtedly a unique gift in Chinese cities, so I took a taxi and went to receive gifts from Beijing. There were so many gifts that I could hardly see them all, and I was already dazzled before I got them.

134 For a month or so, I went out every night, lingering in bars, discos, restaurants and other public places, hooking up every girl I could get without asking good or bad, the result was very sad, which is reflected in my diary reaction. Diary 1: Today Jiancheng and I came to a disco, we drank a glass of beer at the bar, and then looked for a single girl to talk to in the crowd, we couldn't find it, so we had to drink another glass of beer, and then went home sleep. Diary 2: Today, I was dispatched again. I was traveling with a friend of mine, Lao Meng. Lao Meng is my college classmate. He has a red Xiali. He has a characteristic, that is, he is unlucky, especially when it comes to his relationship with girls. , he knows a lot of girls, but it's a pity that they only stop at the acquaintance, but he is not satisfied with this, he wants to go further, he has a nickname called "Love Saint", many nicknames are based on his own disapproval Yes, how is Lao Meng’s situation? You can see below. He happened to have no business to do, and he was in a hurry. Seeing that I was depressed, he kindly took me to sniff honey. Of course, I was very welcome, so I got into his car. , was taken by him to the Peace Hotel, where we watched a performance, and the girls' flying thighs made me upset. We all drank a lot of wine. Finally, Lao Meng found two girls who were willing to talk to us. Unfortunately, The thing is, they slipped away after we paid their bill, which was expensive, of course, and in a word, we were cheated.

Diary 3: We were cheated again.The whole story is like this, we came to a nightclub, wanted to see it, but was led into the private room enthusiastically by the head waiter, we picked two escorts to drink and sing together, Lao Meng sang very well, the two girls kept applauding for him , I was idle, finally, we asked the two girls to take them out for the night, they did not refuse, we negotiated the price, and we were satisfied with each other, Lao Meng and I looked at each other when the girl was not paying attention, with a smile on our face. Smile smugly.We have to wait until they get off work at two o'clock in the middle of the night before we can take them home together, so we continued to drink and sing with them until the time they promised, we paid the small bill, and when we settled the room fee, we found that we had to pay 3600 One hundred yuan, we reluctantly paid the bill and went outside to wait for the two girls. Unfortunately, the two girls took wings and disappeared without a word of faith.

Diary 4: We are mobilized again. I don’t want to be mobilized now, but the writing can’t be carried out, so I have to go out to relax as an excuse. The financial situation of Lao Meng and I was mobilized, and we got nothing. We decided to retreat Secondly, so we came to a dance hall that was said to be a pornographic place. We found two girls there, one was like a doormat with ulterior motives, and the other was like a bossy cruel ape. After staying with them for half an hour, I threw up , not all because of drinking too much alcohol, I have to admit that appearance is very important, and its importance is beyond ordinary imagination. Between a devil who looks like an angel and an angel who looks like a devil, I will probably choose the former. This is because of aesthetics. When I saw monkeys on the edge of the monkey mountain in the zoo, I often thought that beauty is relative, because all monkeys are the same in my eyes, but in real life, beauty seems to be absolute, and I can’t be with a girl who looks too strange Going to bed or even eating together can be difficult to swallow. No wonder there are idols in life. People often need form and take an evasive attitude towards content.

Diary 5: We are dispatched again. It’s terrible. It’s like suffering. I know that there will be no results but I have to try. Is this the essence of life?I made an agreement with Lao Meng that we just find a place full of beauties and have a look. We really found such a place. In a bar whose name I can’t remember, we saw so many beauties that our eyes were busy. But come on, but we soon got bored, they were with other people and had nothing to do with us, as if they were trying to piss us off, the situation was unbearable, almost aggrieved when we came out of the bar, It's all like reminding us that we have nothing to do with the good life, that we can't even enjoy physical beauty let alone spiritual beauty, and this situation gives me a bad feeling personally that I'm like An unattended piece of rubbish, this makes people feel a sense of shame, and because of this, I think I can understand those revolutions that have turned history back, that is human instinct, this instinct must be in everyone Existence, that is, the possessive desire for good things, good things are rare, so it is inevitable to change from one group of people to another group of people, and even the most civilized society can only give more Too many people just provide opportunities, there is no way, too many monks and too little porridge!

Diary 6: Lao Meng and I violated the rule of not smelling good women. We dated two girls and brought them back to my house. I cooked and Lao Meng sang. But good women also have problems. It is almost impossible for them to succeed. If you only ask for sex and do not talk about other things, then you will not respect the way of life of a good woman. Therefore, I backed down and drove the two girls back to Beijing at one o'clock in the middle of the night. Home, when I came back, Lao Meng had already fallen asleep because of his disappointment. Diary 7: We went out again. For me and Lao Meng, it has become a self-torture. We went to four discos and three bars in a row, but of course we got nothing. I have a bunch of tickets in my pocket. I think it’s too inefficient to spend money like this. My economic level is almost the same as Lao Meng’s. We are not rich, but we yearn for girls and love like rich people. Moreover, we rarely possess beautiful things, so In addition to longing for beautiful things, I am also very curious about beautiful things, but we are not interested in beautiful things. I don’t blame the fact that there are beautiful things in the world. I just blame myself because, to face reality, I am too If you don't respect yourself, you should live a life that matches your identity, right?

Diary 8: We dispatched again almost shamelessly. In the car, we listened to Luo Dayou’s song “My Hand Through Your Black Hair”. This kind of shameless way to win the girl's favor, we went to meet a girl and asked her to help us find another girl. My friends were busy and couldn't get out, so we had to split into two groups. I went home, and Lao Meng talked with her. Lao Meng arrived ten minutes after I got home. He said he was out of action, I can't remember. This is the first time, after our two suffering brothers suffered a lot of setbacks, we couldn’t help but feel a passion to hug each other and cry—it’s so miserable to run around for the penis.

Diary Nine: It is ten o'clock in the morning, I swear, I will never go out again!Start writing right away, watch the history of movies during the lunch break, and read Descartes’ "Meditations on First Philosophy" in the evening, so as to increase knowledge and avoid insults. All right, in short, no more dispatches.This decision must be resolutely implemented and cannot be sloppy. Diary 10: If I made a vow yesterday morning, then I must have changed my mind at night. I had just read three pages of Descartes when Lao Meng came, but after he said it was boring, I packed up and talked with him I went out together and sat in his car. I was in a very restless mood. I even had a feeling of making a mistake. It was not just a feeling, it was impulsive. I made another mistake. We went to the sauna and then went to the private room for massage. As soon as I came into contact with the girl's hand, the unsatisfactory penis erected with a "dang", exposing everything, but the girl was unmoved, she pretended not to see it, so I had no choice but to do so. After half an hour, I paid her a penis. bell's money, then come out, I think I can't stand such a strong sexual tease like a massage, especially not to come to this kind of health massage place, I come in full of lust, and get more horny without getting any satisfaction, this Not good, it is very detrimental to the healthy development of my body and mind.This is what happened last night, and I must remember this lesson.However, I still haven’t learned my lesson today. Lao Meng, who is known as the sage of love, has become very restless because he has not succeeded for many days. , So, we came to a bar together, the two girls he invited this time called Da La, but in fact they were just in vain, maybe because they were not interested in us, they behaved exactly like two strong women, may the strong women anal Crack it, this is my blessing to them, we have their promise, we will drive with them for an outing tomorrow, dream!I think we can't go out with them just because we want to fuck them, it's too insincere, too insincere, it's completely hypocritical, I don't like hypocrisy, so I decided not to go, on the way back, Lao Meng first complained to me, Later, he told me that an idealist like me would not be able to achieve anything in pornography, so that he was hurt. I agreed with him. As compensation, I decided to bear the cost of one night alone, but Lao Meng firmly disagreed. , it seems that friendship is far better than pornography, but why can't you forget your sex when you see your friends?The result of meeting friends is often that both of them think of pornography. It seems that although friendship is better than pornography, it cannot replace it-other than that, what is the relationship between friendship and pornography?This is a question to think about. Diary Eleven: "Stop here." This is the first sentence I saw Lao Meng today, but, hopelessly, we dispatched again-it was all asking for trouble, this is how Lao Meng inspired me : "On the road of exploring pornography, there are no shortcuts. Only those who dare to overcome all difficulties and dangers can hope to reach the bright end." Although his words gave me some confidence, I disagree, let's come When we went to a disco, we split into two groups to find the girls we liked. To our surprise, we found them. We danced with them, invited them to drink, and took them out of the disco, my God!Lao Meng and I could hardly believe our eyes. Under the lights, they were so different from those in the disco, like two little ghosts. Only then did I realize that the so-called disco is just a hell on earth. Gu Longdong, who couldn't see anything clearly, under the piercing music and under the gloomy blue light, the figures were vague and terrifying. The girls inside seemed charming, but once they were exposed to the broad daylight, the consequences would be disastrous. It's really irresponsible to come out like this, why don't you die in shame and indignation?Lao Meng and I exchanged glances, and said to the girl, we are going to the bathroom, and the girl said they are going too, so Lao Meng and I wisely got rid of them, and on the way home, we were in a good mood and sang together After reading "March of the Volunteers", only criminals who have escaped after a great victory can have our good mood - I have decided, starting tomorrow, to stay away from this kind of unhealthy entertainment, end this kind of unseemly nightlife, start a new life, and stop doing pornography slave-- Diary 12: We dispatched again—I understand a truth, some things are meaningless if you understand them, like bad luck, you know that if you have bad luck, it’s over, you don’t have to pour it yourself—after that, I decided not to With people like Lao Meng—— 135 A month later, Lao Meng had a business in Tianjin, so he left me. After Lao Meng left, I looked through my diary, and couldn't help but sigh with emotion. The days of looking for girls are over, and only the disgraceful Regret and sigh after frustration. One day at noon, I went for a walk in a park alone. When I got home, I suddenly thought of the children’s playground I saw in the park. The strange thing is that from the games that humans provide to children, I can roughly Infer people's attitude towards their own existence. The first thing that came to my mind was the slide.This is like a metaphor. You climb to a certain height step by step, and suddenly, you sit down and slip back to the same place in the blink of an eye. Second, the swivel chair.You sit on it and feel nothing but dizziness. Third, hide and seek.When others hide it, you go to find it. After you find it, you go to hide it, and others find it. These are three games that I often played in my childhood. At that time our family lived in Taiping Street, close to Taoranting Park, so I went to the park with my friends to play every day, and I never got tired of it. When I grew up, looking back, I suddenly found that Now for this reason, it turns out that everything I do is related to these three games, and I feel the same way. It's strange why I keep repeating the same things without getting tired? 136 Jiancheng was acting in Hangzhou, and my novel was progressing slowly, so I decided to visit him and relax by the West Lake. When I arrived, Jiancheng’s play had just finished filming, so the two of us swam in the West Lake. It was autumn , the West Lake is so beautiful everywhere, except drinking fake Longjing and eating West Lake vinegar fish every day, we have almost nothing to do. We either take a walk on the Su Causeway, or take a boat to hang out in the lake. I have also been to Xiling Yinshe. My impression is that , in that palm-sized small garden, at least twenty couples of young men and women can have a romantic relationship without affecting each other. 137 After returning from Hangzhou, my mood still hasn’t improved. I realized that writing is a painful career. The root of the pain is that writing makes people think. Thinking is not a pleasure. Slow becomes fragmented and ridiculous.Being in this feeling is really an indescribable disappointment.For a while, I almost believed that I was a ghost and that the world around me was just an illusion.During that time, I dreamed every day, and in my dreams I did one thing after another that woke me up and bewildered me. For example: I dreamed that I had been to the moon and met an alien there. I chatted and smoked with the alien. The alien had a double sofa on the moon. We sat on it together and regarded the earth as Watching a series, I enjoy it every day.Sometimes, I dream that I become a strange particle. I can move at different speeds at the same time. In this way, I can appear everywhere in the universe at the same time. It is really free to the extreme.Sometimes, I dream that I become two cats who are constantly arguing at the same time, which disturbs the neighbors and is very annoying. The result of all this is that I am more indifferent to everything in life, my temperament is more depressed, and I am more skeptical about everything. I faintly feel that thinking is not a good thing, and the process of thinking is like a process of destruction. This feeling Very disturbing to me. 138 I hate the mantra in life: what goes around goes around. This kind of thinking means: the reason why a person is good is because he hopes to be rewarded. I privately think that hoping to be rewarded is a rather snobbish bad quality. Its focus is on rewards. Therefore, if through People who hold the belief that doing evil will be rewarded with good will probably choose to do evil.In addition, this creed has a certain smell of exchange, the basic reason for which is to want something because of its own lack. I mean that people who want good things often have evil in themselves.In addition, exchanges carry a desire not to suffer losses. People who hold this kind of belief often think that exchanging good for good is a good deal. In fact, this kind of haggling person has never been able to take advantage of it. I like this life creed: fulfill your duties, have no regrets, and do not expect anything in return.It's hard to do, but at least I like this kind of momentum, that is, I don't need others to do anything to me, I will take care of myself first. 139 I would like to say a few more words about the creed of life. Life is a strange process, this is a conclusion I have come to, and it is not difficult to draw it. A person, in his lifetime, must have something that can be grasped or confirmed, as the reason for his existence, otherwise, his life belongs to nothingness. Of course, many people believe in nothingness, that is, I don't believe in anything, and such a person has no reason to exist but survives. To me, this is a strange thing. On the contrary, some people believe in something, such as truth, justice, moral science, etc. First of all, no one, no matter who he is, can get evidence of the existence of what he believes. For example, a person believes that the earth It exists, but apart from the existence of the earth itself, it is difficult for him to talk about more, for example, why the earth exists, what is the cause of the existence of the earth, what is the result of the existence of the earth, and what is the meaning of the existence of the earth, that is, He doesn't understand what he believes at all, that is to say, he believes, but he doesn't know what he believes. As far as the whole thing is concerned, it can hardly be described as marginal, and it can also be said that his reason for living It is something out of nothing, and their life is based on something out of nothing as a belief. This kind of self-deception is beyond my comprehension, so their existence is also a strange thing to me. The combination of these two strange things, although I dare not conclude that life is unreasonable, but at least I can't help smoothing things out, life is really a strange process. 140 After coming to this conclusion, I feel a bit embarrassed because I don't know what to do with my life?I talk about life, it seems a bit frivolous, and I do some trivial things in life, such as writing scripts to earn money to buy food and drink to create the next generation, and it is obviously deceiving. I turn on the TV, open the book, and read Seeing other people chattering and coming and going in a hurry, it is a bit embarrassing for me to take this as an example. I watched them come on stage one by one, full of energy, as if they were holding some strange ceremony for no reason. I understand, I feel that I have come to the wrong place, the so-called "mistake into the world" is true, but how can this mistake be corrected-suicide, it is not right, because even if it is wrong, it is too much to thank it with death. However, especially before I figured out where I was wrong, how deep it was, and whether there was any remedy.Go on messing around, the question goes back to the old place, how to mess around, what to mess with - I'm not interested in that kind of stuff like "survival wisdom" in the Eastern style, because you can ask pigs about this. Please advise, as long as you try to chat with pigs, all problems will be solved, because pigs have more difficult living conditions than humans, and they have a tenacious sense of survival. They have poor food, little change, poor clothing, and sex Short and quick, and completely exposed to broad daylight, he doesn't care much about his own hobbies, and he is quite tolerant of his own kind. Even if there is a pig war, it is like a child's play, rarely bloodshed, small scale, light damage, completely It can avoid the troublesome things such as post-war reconstruction, etc., and when it comes to dealing with pain, disease, slaughter and other issues that are very difficult for humans, the attitude is optimistic, and they don’t care about everything. Compared with human monkeys, they are more anxious , it looks calm and composed, with a serene demeanor and a steady demeanor. It is also very gentlemanly in terms of not showing itself. Can you find the king of pigs from a group of pigs at once?It has obvious advantages and can be a model for all living beings.To put to shame the magazines on the stalls discussing happiness and such--in this respect, I think of old Socrates, who wears a rubbish cloak and walks around the city of Athens every day asking people for advice and being troubled by him There are countless people, and he has been thinking about how to make people's lives more perfect. This idiot, why don't you talk to the pig more? However, if I don’t learn from pigs, who should I learn from? So, I'm lost. I am not only lost in the issue of belief in life, but in almost all issues. I am in a very bad state, and I don't like my state, but how can I change it?I have no idea.