Chapter 17 321-340

321 In my imagination, the existence of girls and the image of girls I like are my illusions, but one day, I discovered that this illusion actually has a counterpart in the real world, that is, Said that there was a girl in real life that I fantasized about, so an unfortunate thing happened. At that time, Hum was still entangled with me, and I was still hesitant about this entanglement. 322 It happened one afternoon. I went to pick up Buzz in the group. Buzz asked two classmates to come to my house for dinner. When I arrived, I called Buzz. She was cleaning the house and told me to wait. Son, I was standing in front of a row of dormitory doors smoking and walking around idly. At this moment, one of the girls who wanted to come to my house for dinner came out of the dormitory impatiently. Her name was Yu Lili, she was an enthusiastic girl. She's cute, she's known me for a long time, and she often makes fun of me, but I didn't pay much attention.

But that day was a bit strange, she was standing at the door of the dormitory, wearing an outdated old floral dress with a white background, which was very different from her usual attire, she chatted with me, it was nothing more than a parent’s gossip, I have forgotten the specific content now, Even at that time, I didn't pay any special attention to what she said. At this time, something that moved my heart happened. She was talking and talking, as if she was tired from standing, she squatted down slowly, and then, she He just squatted on the ground and talked to me, sometimes raising his head, sometimes lowering it, and stroking the ground with his hands from time to time.

Her Mandarin is not very good, with a strong hometown accent, which sounds very awkward. She was talking, and suddenly, I felt a strange emotion in my heart. For a while, I suddenly found that this image It is very similar to the image in a certain scene in my fantasy. I thought about it for a long time, but I couldn’t remember what scene it was, but it all seemed to have happened once in a certain time and place, even in my memory , there is a feeling of overlap, so it makes me feel very familiar. It is not easy to express this emotion clearly. For example, I once imagined that I was wandering around, passing a small town in the south of the Yangtze River, in a small alley paved with stone roads Here, I lost my way and didn't know where to go. At this time, the door behind me came, and a little girl appeared. She talked to me a little shyly. She was very shy, so she just squatted on the ground and told me, she told me Some information about my road ahead, and that information is very important, is what I want to know, anyway, it is such a fantasy, since there are people in the world who believe in such strange things as love at first sight, then the image of this girl squatting can make my heart flood. The strange tenderness should also be reasonable.

323 However, there is a lot of unreasonable things in this matter, I mean, unnatural things, not her, but me, I don't know if I can describe exactly how I felt at the time, but I want to Try it here, I mean, in an instant, I suddenly had a feeling that I had known her in the dark, and it was also in a summer, on the side of a street, in front of a door, and it was also what I was waiting for People, all of a sudden, a girl passing by talked to me, and she also squatted on the ground while talking, we were talking, and the girl stood up after speaking, got on a bicycle and left, I saw her Passing through the crowd briskly and deftly, and disappearing at the end of the street, I suddenly remembered that I didn't see her face clearly, I only remembered that she had a thin neck, and I didn't hear half of what she said, She seemed to be telling me something, but I didn't have the slightest impression of what it was. At this moment, Yu Lili raised her head, and when I saw her face, I felt strangely that there was something strange on her face. Embarrassed look, just like what people usually call shy, that kind of look will only appear in the expression after a secret is revealed in person, I mean, did there really have any secrets between the two of us ?

324 I met Yu Lili a few times when I picked up buzzing. I think she showed a strange kind of intimacy to me, giving me a feeling that we are very close. As for what kind of intimacy is that? Fa, I can't tell.Sometimes, when she met me, she waved to me, sometimes, in front of her boyfriend, she screamed and jumped on me, in fact, she did this to everyone, she likes to be careless Greeting people, laughing casually with acquaintances, she and her boyfriend had a bad relationship because of a pregnancy incident, and her boyfriend also talked to me, and gave me the impression that he is a very emotional young man, maybe Because of this, he looks a bit weak, but he is not some disgusting fake fashionable young man. His feelings for her can be seen by everyone, all on the surface, very sincere, I believe, as long as the condition Allowed, he would do anything for her, alas, she still doesn't seem to be happy with it.

325 Of course, all of this may be my own feelings and has nothing to do with Yu Lili, maybe her attitude towards me is the same as towards anyone she knows, I think I have to point this out, but the strange thing is From now on, whenever we meet, I feel that she has an unnatural feeling, for example, her face will suddenly turn red, for example, she will suddenly push away or hug her boyfriend while talking.The most memorable time was when she came to my house with her boyfriend and some other girls for her birthday. She sat next to me and chatted. She told me that her legs were very soft. I touched them and she said, isn’t it?I felt there was a trace of temptation in it, but for me, who usually joked and flirted with girls casually, this is a common thing, maybe I have a ghost in my heart, who knows?

326 So, I decided to find out about this matter. It was not long after I broke up with Buzz, I called Yu Lili, she was very happy, I said I would invite her out for dinner, she said she was very willing, I did not order The specific time depends on her convenience. She said she would call me when it was convenient, and hung up the phone. I noticed something strange again, because she is usually very good with Buzz, and they often play together. I called her The purpose is to find Hum, without me saying, she will mention Hum, but this time the phone call is different, as if there is some kind of tacit understanding, we did not mention Hum, there is another point, usually When I called, I always chatted with her, but this time I didn't. We booked an uncertain date cleanly, which seemed to be tacit.

327 One night two days later, I received a call from Yu Lili. She said that she would be fine the next day. I said I had something to discuss at 3:00 p.m., so we agreed to meet at the China World Hotel at 6:00 p.m.The reason for this is that my meeting place is also at the China World Hotel, so that after I finish, I happen to have dinner with her. The producer who talked to me that day was a paranoid man. He decided that my script was a youth idol drama. What he thinks is inappropriate, but it pissed me off. I hate this kind of producer who starts to dictate without spending a penny. Generally speaking, I only work with producers who have signed a contract and paid. The filmmaker talked about the script seriously, and I insisted that being ready to pay and paying was two different things, if a producer didn't pay me, but would discuss with me the details of the future cooperation in a serious way, and in this To perform his duties as a producer in such an imaginary cooperation, that would make me laugh out loud. For this kind of situation, I would usually pull away and let him go to the producer's addiction alone. Unfortunately, that day As soon as I went up, I wanted to talk to him for three hours, so I argued with him. Of course, this kind of absurd argument was meaningless, but it pissed us both off, especially in the end. We had a showdown and he told me he was going to buy my script for what I thought was a ridiculously low price, when in fact he was the prevailing bid from the companies I was talking to for scripts at the time Twice, but he thinks that the overall situation has been settled. I have never seen such a self-righteous producer!I looked at my watch, and it was already half past five, so I didn't want to entangle with him anymore, so I quoted my price and said that there was still something to do, and we would talk about it later. Unexpectedly, he cursed and swore that my script could not have this He even called around in front of me and asked if the price of my last script was true. After learning that it was true, he reversed his previous attitude and held me desperately, as if he wanted to discuss a big plan with me. It looked like it made me so angry, don’t ask, this must be a producer of a pheasant company, I managed to escape his entanglement, and came to the hall to wait for Lily. Get out of a taxi.

I entered the restaurant with her to eat the buffet. During the meal, due to the impact of the conversation just now, I was still angry and in a very bad mood. During the conversation, I strangely argued with her about a dance And, that day, I felt like I was suffering from arguing. No matter what question she said, I would argue with her endlessly, gradually turning a relaxed conversation into an extremely boring tenacious argument. The time passed, during which I was uncharacteristically, sometimes speaking impassionedly, sometimes swearing, acting unreasonable, even I was puzzled, suddenly, she said to me, it was getting late, she was going back, the words came out of my mouth At that moment, I looked up at her, and found that she had a disappointed and tired look on her face, so we got up and left, and I walked behind her, and I was surprised to find that she was wearing a very tight-fitting dress Wearing a vest and a pair of very short denim shorts, she looks very sexy. Obviously, she didn't come here to eat for the sake of arguing with me. It seems that everything is running counter to our wishes.

On the way to send her back, we were all a little absent-minded. I originally wanted to ask her if she liked me, but in this atmosphere, this question was obviously impossible to ask. I was a little discouraged, disappointed by my performance, and at the same time. I don't understand why I behaved like this. I asked her if she would like to play with me and my friends when she had nothing to do in the future. She agreed as if she was very happy. I sent her back, she got out of the car, and I waved goodbye, said I would call, and left. A few days later, I was hanging out with a group of friends in the bar. I asked her out, but she refused because of something. The next time, I played with some young actors and actresses in the sports bar of the Gloria Hotel. She called and she still refused, so I stopped calling her and she never called me.

328 A few months later, I went to the group to pick up Buzz, and I saw Yu Lili again, and saw her unnatural look again. At that time, she was in a dormitory, and she and some classmates were discussing the matter of her fighting with her boyfriend. , After I entered the door, I heard a few girls with different accents chattering at an alarming rate, and I didn’t know what they were talking about. I nodded to her and was about to take Hum away, but she looked at me Excitedly talking about how her boyfriend doesn’t care about her, as she talked, her face flushed, and she looked aggrieved. I didn’t know whether this grievance was revealed to me on purpose, and suddenly, flashed again in my mind Seeing the way she squatted down while talking to me, once again, that kind of familiar tenderness surged into my heart, and the image in the hallucination also floated in. For a while, a kind of desire to get her Desire suddenly rose from my heart, and it came quickly and fiercely. The next day, I called her after I sent Buzz away, and wanted to ask her out. Unexpectedly, it was her boyfriend who answered the phone, and I was rambling After a few words, I hung up the phone in frustration, and called again the next day. This time it was her who answered the phone. I asked her out for dinner. She didn't hesitate, and quickly agreed, and the time was about two days later. Two days later, I met her at an Italian restaurant near the Lufthansa mall. We had spaghetti together. When we drank coffee before dinner, I looked at her carefully and found that she was dressed for going out. I mean, spent Dressed up for a while, she looks clean, fresh and just right, she has a very calm demeanor, sitting opposite me, talking to me about her recent situation, what is she learning English, what does she think dancing has no future, etc. To my surprise, between her speech and behavior, I found that she always overlapped with the girl I imagined. Her appearance changed a lot in my opinion. For a while, I still had new discoveries about her. , from a professional point of view, I found that she is a very good commercial actor, suitable for many kinds of commercials, because at first glance, she always looks like someone, but when I look carefully, I can't find a specific object , this look is easy to remember, and at the same time, her face is very distinctive, but it can't be articulated at once, which makes it very useful in commercials. I didn't say this to her, but I just continued to chat with her sentence by sentence. We talked about humming and her boyfriend. Bi, she seems to have become a lot more sensible in a short period of time. She likes buzzing a lot and has deep feelings for her boyfriend. Eating is just for chatting and to relieve boredom, but she doesn't seem to want to know why I asked her out. After the meal, I drove the car and took her for a ride on the Third Ring Road, having meaningless conversations. For some reason, I never wanted to tell her my true intentions, because I had a faint feeling that this time, the relationship between us There is a lack of self-evident understanding, the car is moving, the tape recorder is playing street pop songs, I am still talking to her, she tells me some of the little troubles she has encountered in life, I listen , in order to encourage her to continue talking, I made comments from time to time. I was worried that once she stopped talking, the atmosphere would become awkward. At this time, we were near the song and dance troupe. Because of my distraction, I made a wrong line and had to make another detour Small circle, suddenly, I had an urge to tell her my thoughts, but I didn't know how to describe my feelings for her to her. Seeing that I was almost in the group, I seized the time and opened my mouth to tell her I like her, but because she is very close to Buzz, and I don't want to hurt Buzz, in fact, it is very difficult for me to say these words, I try to use words that she can understand as much as possible, who knows she After listening to it, she was very calm, as if she had expected it a long time ago. She explained that she didn't expect me to think this way at all, and then asked me what I liked about her. At this point in the conversation, suddenly, a kind of ominous premonition came to me In my heart, I feel that I have fallen into a very self-respecting trap. This trap is woven by myself, and I fall into it step by step, becoming a self-made joke. The thing, it was related to my fantasies about the girl. At that moment, I woke up like a drunk who suddenly fell into the water. The superintendent looked very calm, but I looked flustered like a filthy bastard, and, because of a guilty conscience, I wished I could escape immediately. At this time, I unexpectedly discovered that all my feelings about her were completely wrong wrong. What can I say now?I told her that I fell in love with her from the moment I saw her squatting down. I also said that I had no clue about it. She had a boyfriend and I followed Buzz, and she and Buzz were good friends , if one day she happens to find that she likes me too, it's not too late to talk about everything.While we were talking, she had already arrived, and I said goodbye to her. She got out of the car, said to me in the same tone as when we broke up last time, contacted by phone, and then left quickly. I drove home feeling unspeakably frustrated. Could it be that my feelings about her were all wrong?Were all the signs that I thought she was interested in me all figuring out?Where my judgment went wrong is not clear, but there are many indications that something must have gone wrong. 329 After a period of time, Buzzing went to perform in North Korea with the troupe, and I learned that Yu Lili would not go and stay in China. At this time, I thought there was a chance to clarify many issues that puzzled me, not only the ones I mentioned Some things, and some things I didn't talk about, confuse me. I called her and asked her to come to my house for a chat. I said there was something to do, but I refused. Coincidentally, an artist who had worked with me in the past contracted a commercial film for toothpaste by himself. I was in urgent need of two female models. After trying a lot, the artist talked about this when he came to my house to play. One thing, I immediately thought of Yu Lili, so I recommended it to him. I have a video tape left by a group of girls eating and filming at my house. There is Yu Lili in it. After watching it, the artist said that there is no problem. The phone was on, but no one answered. The artist asked me to help find another actor. I recommended Liu Qin. I called Liu Qin and made an appointment. The three of us had dinner together at noon. The artist said that Liu Qin was fine. It was settled, and then, the three of us went to the group to find Yu Lili, but she was not in the dormitory. Then, I started calling Yu Lili, and I called four or five times in a row, but no one answered. Someone answered, but it wasn't her, but a strange girl's voice. She said, Yu Lili was not there, and then quickly hung up the phone. At this moment, I suddenly realized that she was hiding from me. But why?If you don't want to see me, just tell me, why are you avoiding me?Are you afraid of what will happen to me and she won't succeed?There is only one reason that makes sense to me, and that is that she thinks I am pestering her, so she doesn't want to talk to me, but I have never pushed anyone hard!I gave the art worker a phone number for the assistant director, and told him to find another person. I would call him as soon as I got a letter from here. After sending the artist away, I couldn't understand Lily's behavior. What surprised me even more was that, It turned out that she hadn't told me the truth, this time the phone thing was not the truth, other things are of course doubtful - but, what I still don't understand is why?What is worth a man lying about?She could obviously tell me the truth, telling me directly that she didn't want to associate with me, or telling me not to call her. Of course, she could be more tactful, but why didn't she do that and would rather lie to me?This is really puzzling. 330 The next day, I called Yu Lili again. She was sleeping and answered in a daze. I told her about the advertisement and she was very happy. I asked her out. She said she was busy and had no time. I asked her why she didn't answer the phone, she said the phone was in someone else's hands, I asked her if she saw the phone number left on the phone, she answered fluently, saying she didn't see it, so I called the artist again, this time it was The art worker disappeared. I called every hour. Two hours later, the artist answered the phone, saying that the man was in Shanghai, the girl had been found, and the commercial had already started shooting. During this period, two big bumps mysteriously grew on her face, which were too big to be concealed by makeup, but the shooting was imminent, so she found an actor at the Shanghai Film Studio and was auditioning. Liu Qin took the call from the artist and said to me Said, it seems that we can't have the slightest contact, otherwise something strange will happen to her. I hung up the phone and dialed Yu Lili's phone again. At this time, I firmly believed that she lied, and I told her She thought it was a pity that the advertisement was blown, and I told her to forget what I said about liking her. It seems that all this was my misunderstanding. At this point, the story of this dream come true is all over. 331 A few days later, Buzz came back from North Korea. That night, I went to the regiment to pick her up and met Yu Lili. I saw her and Buzz shouted loudly and hugged each other affectionately. I went back with Buzz She told me about Pyongyang, which was clean but lacking in material things, and about the peculiar custom of North Koreans to bow when they saw Kim Il Sung’s idol on the street. She also bought me two beautiful North Korean small It's a pity that one of the cups was crushed and the other was broken. I wanted to throw it away, but I saw that she carefully glued it firmly with transparent stickers. At first glance, it seemed as if it had never been broken. It left a deep impression in my heart and made me very uncomfortable, because it was very similar to the metaphor of our relationship. I was determined to give up, but she really wanted to rely on her skillful hands to repair it again. She still acts like a baby to me, still tells me "no one cares, no one loves", she still likes to come to me, and she still wants to come again after she comes, she still loves to sleep beside me, in her position, She slept soundly and wasn't as nervous as she woke up, and that's all my fault, I used to look at her for a long time while she was asleep, kiss her, remove the hair from her face, kiss her again, and then Kiss her again. 332 The next night, after dinner, I talked about Yu Lili to Buzzing, she showed a very indifferent look, and said: "You can embarrass me, I can't control you anyway, if you want to I don’t care if you are looking for my classmates, anyway, you are a big pervert.” I asked her why Yu Lili behaved so strangely, and she said, “Isn’t it embarrassing, idiot! I know." Then, she patiently asked me about the details of my relationship with Yu Lili, and I tried my best to recall everything, almost telling everything twice, and under her persuasive reminder, I almost made it up. She encouraged me for a while and said: "Yu Lili just likes you, I can see it." After a while, she helped me analyze and said: "Yu Lili was not satisfied with her boyfriend, besides, don't you like cuties? Yu Lili is just a cutie, I think the two of you are quite suitable." I said: "Really?" "Of course." At this moment, I looked up and found that Hum was looking at me with fierce eyes, and then, The blows like raindrops fell on my head. She began to yell, curse, sometimes jump up and down, and sometimes roll all over the ground. In short, I fell into her trap again. It is effective, I have summed it up several times, but I still haven’t learned the lesson. I know that as long as she shows a homely posture, speaks kindly to me, and asks me to answer questions, then a storm will follow, but , everything about her is so cute in my eyes, I don't feel that there is anything inappropriate about her, even when she beats and scolds me, she also shows her full talent for acting like a baby, sometimes she draws her tone Call me old monster, and sometimes use exaggerated tone to imitate the tone of Yu Lili and me on the phone. I usually call Yu Lili cute, and she is cute in my ears, until I hear this sentence as a sentence Just after she stopped swearing, she picked up the phone from time to time, pretending to call Yu Lili, generously asked Yu Lili to come here to play, and peeked at my reaction. Shaw's satirical parody. At that time, she invented an action to describe her feeling when she heard the news. I mean, she first looked at me with a smile on her face. Mo, she used this dance style to express her feelings, and in the end she inevitably threw herself on me and acted like a baby to me. In short, the incident between me and Yu Lili provided her with rich materials to satirize me. I, she will first tell the news about Yu Lili one by one, and then observe my reaction, because she said these words many times, and finally formed a routine, she can play the two of us by herself, first with female voice How does Yu Lili talk about me, and how do I talk about her with a male voice? Sometimes when I say that I don’t like Yu Lili lying, she still rushes to me, saying that I can’t eat grapes, she says grapes are sour, and slaps me from time to time, and then Pretending to be shocked, he said, "Old monster, why are you so shameless!" Sometimes, she said: "Go, don't go to see Yu Lili, so as not to be annoyed when you see me! How nice is Yu Lili, she has a small waist, is cute, she is also pretty, has a good personality, and is tall. I’m worthy of you, don’t you think so?” However, her voice turned sharply higher: “Tell me! Don’t you!” Of course, in order to match these words, she also performed a lot of movements. Due to long-term unremitting practice, Practice makes perfect, she even pulled my ear, stared at me, and kicked me every time she said a word, and there was no confusion at all. Moreover, she also used several methods to perform, Sometimes it’s ironic, sometimes it’s a bitch, and sometimes it’s empathetic. Yu Lili’s incident has become her inexhaustible subject of acting like a baby to me. Of course, if these performances are taken back If she plays it for her classmates in the troupe, then she will definitely become a comedy star. In this regard, my response seems very monotonous. Generally speaking, I would say: "What's wrong with jumping on your classmates, the girls I know are better than those in your class, and besides, you can't slap a slap." Look, smile, in fact, it is really difficult for me to do so. Hum Hum's reaction to this is often varied. I remember one time that made me very sad. That time after I finished speaking, Hum Hum seemed sad. She stopped talking, turned her head, and ignored me. 333 The backstory of this event has some interesting consequences. One of them is for Lili, originally, Yu Lili and Buzzing were very good, now, when Buzzing knows that I seduced Yu Lili behind her back, the two of them are even better, when Buzzing is in the group, he often observes Yu carefully Lili's behavior, she came back to learn from me, and advised me to react appropriately, for example: She would say: "Yu Lili quarreled with her boyfriend again today, and she cried, how pitiful, old monster, you still Don’t go to comfort her, go quickly.” I pretended to leave, and she shouted loudly: “Don’t move! If you dare to move a step, I won’t break your dog legs!” Afterwards, I saw Yu Lili a few times, Hum often learned how to deal with similar characters in TV dramas. She held me with one arm and greeted Yu Lili loudly with the other: "Come on, come and have dinner with us!" Sometimes, she still imitates her and Yu Lili's usual conversation to me, but she often becomes anxious involuntarily when learning to learn, for example: "Today I had dinner with Yu Lili, and I said that Boss is very bad, and she also said You are very good, my lungs are going to explode when I hear it! What are you doing! How are you doing?" The second consequence is that she heard that I invited Yu Lili to China World Hotel for dinner, so she started to compare—"You have never taken me to a meal worth more than 200 yuan, and you have never bought me expensive clothes. You just don’t want to, but you’re willing to do it to other women.” Sitting beside me, she rolled her eyes and said. Originally immoral life made me very tired, but under the treatment of Hum, this exhaustion has become a colorful joke. This is due to the genius of Hum. As I said, she is very Very lovely girl, perhaps, no one could be more lovely than her. As soon as Hum Hum was talked about, I couldn't stop talking. Although it was tedious and always repeated, but because Hum Hum was just such a person, her life had very little content, so every content was in her mind. The utilization rate there is particularly high, and because of this, she has developed every kind of content to an unimaginable richness. She often says a few words, but every time she says it in a different way, there are new changes , I noticed that Hum Hum can still watch art movies, and has her own unique understanding of characters. She has an artistic temperament, which makes her become my private performing artist for 3 years. With her, I I got a great enjoyment, and let me know that a young life can radiate such brilliant brilliance. Hum doesn't know about these. 334 People left their names, and geese left their voices. I have to talk about the things left after Hum left. Those things are now in my room. These things have meaning because of her existence. When she was there At that time, those things seemed to be as alive as her, a pink towel, a toothbrush, an unused bottle of face cream, a Starbucks coffee cup, a pair of short socks, a tea set for drinking Kung Fu tea, a set of Mahjong tiles, and other things she bought, Yunnan dyed cloth to cover the computer, etc., and of course, her long hair on the comb, these things are considered to be "her" because they are used frequently. ", however, she disappears, but the things are still there, becoming a redundant part of the room, sometimes I see it occasionally, and I feel sad. 335 Yes, memories are depressing, everything that is gone is depressing, and even this life that has to go on is also depressing. Yes, buzz, I rejoice with you in the most ridiculous and absurd illusions, we fell into a big cesspit but made up stories to lie to ourselves that we were going to a feast, we had fun in lies, we utterly absurd Justified, we take care of each other, we have fun, we dance out of death in a ridiculous way, buzz, I want you to know that my heart is already as cold as ice, I'm sitting on the edge of a boiling oil pan talking to you , and, I am worried about you, because when you are so happy, you will accidentally fall into the hot oil. 336 Hum, buzz who can dance and act coquettishly, let the wind blow away your voice, your appearance, the clothes you have worn, and the homemade drink you love, Scrape away the TV shows, the meals you love, the cheap jewelry you love, the songs you love to sing, and let your pain and troubles go with the wind , Let my sadness go with the wind. 337 The last time I saw Buzz was on New Year's Day 2000. On the last day of 1999, from 7 or 8 pm, I went out and spent the night outside. That night, everyone looked crazy, and all the single men and women in Beijing were mobilized. When the phone rings, I get a stranger into bed. Of course, I am indispensable in this crazy and lonely crowd. My mobile phone keeps ringing. Finally, by phone, Xiaochun found me. He was with three girls, and, according to him, the girls were just as panicked as we were, eager to find a pleasing lover so that they could make it through Millennium Eve smoothly. Xiaochun and I met at the entrance of the "Boys and Girls" bar, and then came to a bar called Xiangyao near the City Hotel. The three girls were all students of the Broadcasting Department of the Broadcasting College. The upright girl made me feel hopeless for tonight's future as soon as we met, and Xiaochun was even more hopeless. We just said a few words to the girl, and his old lover Feifei and another girl Nana pushed the door in. Of course, There were also two men who were with them. Xiaochun suddenly became depressed. He rushed forward and asked Feifei to spend New Year's Eve with him, but Feifei refused. Therefore, his mood plummeted, as if he was finished all of a sudden. Soon, he left us and went to other places to hunt for beauty, and I saw that the situation was not good, so I also slipped away.In another bar, after I rushed in, I saw a group of friends sniffing wildly around a group of girls who didn't know the number of ways, and I joined in. Since there were six or seven girls, I was confused. Of course, the girls also I was also confused about us, because it was the first time we met, and while I was hesitating, the two best girls had already been taken away, and I was fighting with the two average-looking girls, secretly and fiercely, thinking Take one of them away, but the girl received the call and left suddenly, there were only three poor ones left, and I was about to break the pot, no matter who it was, just take one away, when the phone rang, it was buzzing, She just finished the show, called me, wished me a happy millennium, heard her voice, my mind went blank, and when I finished talking to her, I hung up the phone, and there was only the worst girl in front of me I’m really unwilling to spend Millennium Eve with her in bed. At this time, it’s already 12 o’clock in the middle of the night. Some people were dancing crazily, and the shiny confetti on their heads were flying wildly, but I was at a loss. It happened that the phone rang again. Unexpectedly, it was Daqing who came back from other places. He told me that he was in a place called No. 88 In the bar, I asked him how the situation was. He said there were a lot of girls. I rushed over without saying a word. When I entered the door, I found that what he said was true. There were indeed a lot of girls, some of whom were even well-known models.及演员，漂亮得叫人血往上涌，可惜我一个也不认识，除了过过眼瘾以外，在那儿呆着完全是活受罪，我找到大庆，他正与我一年多未见的陈小露在一起说话，我坐到他们身边，陈小露对我极为冷淡，她化着浓妆，给我看了看她手指上的戒指，告诉我她今晚订婚，老公就在不远处，是个外国人，这使我心情有点低落，她很快走了，大庆面带笑意地看着我，说：＂千禧夜怎么过？＂ 最后，我与大庆打通了吹雪的电话，吹雪热情地招呼我们去巴娜娜迪厅，在那里，我吃下了两倍于平时的兴奋剂，在刺耳的电子音乐声中，不费吹灰之力，我便冲上九霄，尽管眼前幻觉不断，头脑混乱不堪，但我仍知道，我已冲到2000年，冲到21世纪，我冲得一塌糊涂，在心中不断地叫喊――柔情再见，柔情再见。 头脑清醒时，天已大亮，我开车回家，沐浴在冷冰冰的阳光中，车开上二环，连我自己都不知为什么，拨通了嗡嗡的电话，我想祝她新年好，想向我对她的柔情告别，想告诉她，我正冲向死亡，现已迈过千禧年的门槛，但我却说我想见她。 我见到了她，我与她在新年第一个白天做爱，我睡去时她也睡去，我醒来后，她仍在我身边睡着，我感到她像是永远在那里睡着，也许她会醒来，但关于她的柔情却会长久地睡在我的心中，关于她柔情之梦也会长久地睡在我的梦中。 我不能再讲嗡嗡了。 真的不能再讲了。 不能再讲了。 338 在情感里，最终我要谈的是爱，我要告诉你的是，要么爱是一种受难，要么，它是一种最盲目的激情，这种激情经年累月地被人一代一代地谣传着，在现代，终于变成了一种彻头彻尾的迷狂，只有对人生的眷恋可以与之相比，这种迷狂令我十分不屑，我一听到有人为爱而苦恼着我就气不打一处来，一听到有人说＂如果有机会再活一遍就要如何如何去爱＂我就厌恶之情油然而生，这帮蠢货！无知的东西！怎么糊涂到这种地步！难道活一遍还不够么？ 不是别人，而是我自己，我意识到，我本人就是我要面对的那个丑恶的现实，其余的一切与此无关，我想我不应强调环境的影响，那是一切我看不上的人的恶习，我不想像他们一样，为自己的问题找借口，怨天尤人，我认为那是没出息，我想，我很难从现实中摆脱出来，除非我立即倒地而死，不然，我只能浸淫其中，不思悔改。 339 这就是在开头所说的＂我错了＂的故事，我想我的错误不是我与嗡嗡那点个人纠纷，也不是什么忠诚与背叛的故事，你更别想听到我为此感到不安，你做梦也别想在我这里看到什么无知的悔恨的泪水，我说的错误不是别的，而是情感带给人的假象，是生存之幻觉，是存在之错。这个错误如此巨大，以致谁也无法改正，更不可能对这个错误有所了解，我不会因为我勾引姑娘而感到错误，更不会因为伤害了谁而感到错误，我知道那一切都是我的想象，别人的痛苦我根本就无从体会，就如同嗡嗡，我违背她的意愿，因此伤害了她，但我与她不是同一个人，怎么可能有相同的意愿呢？ 而且，也许正是因为那些错误，人生才显得多姿多彩，也许我会有机会混到晚年，当我回首往事的时候，什么东西还会存在于我的记忆中，从而令我回味无穷呢？也许，正是因为那些琐碎不堪的错误。 错误在我眼里是如此地富于人性、令人感动，多么可怕的错误也一样，正是那些错误，才使得我的生命没有陷入雷同乏味的一帆风顺，正是那些错误，才与我生命深处最隐秘的感觉相吻合，一次又一次地烦心懊恼，一次又一次的折磨羞辱，一次又一次的委屈受难，一次又一次的撕心裂肺、痛不欲生，直至有一天，让我猜出生而为人才是真正的错误，我相信，我的存在才是我真正的困惑与烦恼！ 340 生而为人，就意味着必得经历一番人生痛苦，就意味着非死不可！ 一想起人人都须面对冷冰冰的死亡，我就顿觉万念俱灰，至少，活着在我眼里看起来十分可疑，因为对于死亡，生命太像是一个偶然，一个胡折腾的无聊闹剧。令我倍感辛酸的是，无论生命如何地以一种不可理喻的面貌出现，死亡都会以更不可理喻的手法将其无情地终结。