Chapter 18 341-346

341 It is only in the face of death that one can be called alive, and to face death requires a total and reckless passion, a ecstasy that lasts until death, a blindness to the inevitable, a spontaneous contempt , a kind of non-stop, a kind of deep nostalgia and passionate intoxication for illusions, so that people can breathe a little bit. Under the mask of life, I guess a kind of divine will, which is a kind of ruthless indifference, A chilling cruelty, a mocking sneer.I looked up at the dark night sky, at the ominous great inexplicable fog that lay outside me, and I was devastated. My determination to transcend the emotional illusion disappeared in an instant. My patience collapsed, I felt my legs go weak, like walking on thin ice, I approached the so-called fireworks in vain, hoping to smell the smell of life from it, but as soon as I took a step, I fell into the trap of nothingness and became the truth The turtle in the urn becomes a comical shadow.

342 As for you, my reader, in a hundred years, we will all disappear from this world. We may be far apart, clinging to our corners and not being able to see each other. Through my books, you know my existence, and through the publishers to pay for it. Give me the royalties, I know you exist, don't ask, I also know that you have played hide-and-seek with pain and absurdity like me, fell into incomprehensible traps and couldn't get out, suffered from the tricks of fate And I can't laugh or cry, I know that you have had strange personal wishes, and you have had bad luck for your wishes but have gotten nothing. I know that you can't help but run counter to your wishes. I know that you have struggled with mediocrity. In the end, you were defeated. I know that you were not happy when you were the most successful. I know that even if you racked your brains, you couldn’t calm yourself down. In the end, I fell into pessimism and depression and could do nothing. I also know that although you live in the world, you will eventually die. I know everything about you, I know everything about you, just like you know everything about me——

Here I am, at my computer, praying for myself, and for you, my readers, for all that we have in common, all that's pathetic, and I'm a little self-aware enough not to be ridiculous enough to mourn for us I pray for happiness, let alone being so arrogant that I want to get rid of the pain. I pray, I hope that when we are alive, we can withstand it, I hope that our strength can be stretched a little longer, and I hope that we will not be in an instant. collapsed.I also pray for our ability to endure ourselves. I know that I am more unbearable than others. I think we don’t need others to make irresponsible remarks and point fingers to make their forgiveness and understanding go away. Far away, I am very glad that you can accept everything as usual and let it go. I also feel sincerely sorry for your situation. Although we can't decide most things, we still have to mess around. I am willing for us. , and to be able to hang out, I pray for all people, whether they think they are good or bad, I also pray for our ridiculous follies, I pray for our hopeless existence, I know both are the same Pointless, pointless to even describe the pointlessness, but I still pray, for you, for me, for all living beings who keep their eyes open in despair, with the waves that crash on the reef I pray, I pray with the bells that pass through the wilderness, I pray with the wind that blows through the valley, I pray with the fire of the stars, I pray with the trajectories of the planets, I pray with the light that is bent, I pray with the ubiquitous but A dark and mysterious prayer, with all that our senses can perceive, with all that we know and do not know, me, you, and all the human beings before us and after us , our future, our vain future, our soul, our sinful soul, when the fire of life is extinguished, may we all feel relieved, not because of the hardships and confusions of life, but because of the hardships and confusions meaningless.Of course I also pray for all the meaninglessness that we share so deeply, I hope my vain and unfeeling prayers feel for you, this is how we connect, your eyes chasing the lines I write Words, let me bring you here, where we stare blankly at each other, speechless, we sigh, passing by like two shooting stars, abandoning each other like two forgotten names, disappearing in our respective In nothingness.

343 Now, this book is finished, my youth trilogy is finished, I have written these three books very hard, I have suffered the insult of not being talented enough, and I have ridiculed myself, and at the same time, I have lived enough poverty , I am in debt, living like a year, which not only hurts the people who lent me money and treats me sincerely, but also makes many people who I despise underestimate my ability. With the bravery of looting, I was able to catch the fat goose in a deceitful manner. Seeing that a table of banquets was about to be swept away, I could no longer just sit idly by. I set myself a small goal, no matter what Go back to a sparrow to satisfy my cravings, and I can refresh my stomach even if I can’t fill my stomach. Otherwise, it’s meaningless for me to guard the current personal freedom that is in urgent need of money and no one patronizes. I must get out of this hypocritical freedom and go Otherwise, I will become a Buddha and go away. This does not conform to the identity of a Chinese philistine. In order to conform to my identity, I might as well take the opportunity to lower myself and rush to the market of cultural deception to make a fortune. I’ll talk about it after copying something, I don’t know if I can get along with others smoothly, and I don’t know what is waiting for me, but I know that as long as I am still alive, I will fight for my stomach, penis and my mind And running around, I don't know if I can come back, I want to stand up, take off my clothes, with the wind on my head, run naked, stealing money and fame can't be negotiated, I want to go shamelessly, although I have nothing to dance with liars Experience and wisdom, but I have a desperate heart, and the lofty ambition to live and die with the laughing stock and stupidity. Anyway, my youth is gone, I have no capital, and I have the virtue of coveting beautiful women, and I am stunned. Qing, when it comes to this kind of thing, she hurried forward with an old face, and there is nothing embarrassing about competing with others.

344 I thank those who have read my book for the favor of allowing my novel to entertain you, but I also hope you understand me, knowing that in this snobby and stupid world, I am as spiritual as you The body is empty and I am eager to relieve my sorrows and boredom. I stay at home and feel neglected, which makes my vanity unsatisfied at all, makes my modesty useless, and makes me reject bad people thousands of miles away. There is no way to use it. The experience of recent years has taught me that if I don’t make a move and wait and hesitate at home, then I will not be able to obtain the living conditions to come back to write, and I will have no reputation and status. It will be difficult to go abroad, and I will have to endure visa officers If you don't have money, you won't be able to gain wings for your reputation, and you will spread your notoriety far and wide. If you don't have both money and fame, even if the pretty girl from the opposite side walks over, she won't throw herself into her arms. At most, she will give me a slap in the face. Say I'm not qualified.I am afraid that after years of watching the world coldly, I will really become a real Lu Xun. I don't want to taste the pain of Lu Xun again. Because of that pain, Lu Xun's mentality has changed so much that he spent his whole life in art. I also failed to come up with a slightly valuable creation, and more people who failed Lu Xun also suffered from it. Compared with myself, I found that my mentality was no longer normal, and I often faced it alone. The constant swearing on TV, and the fact that you can feel angry when you just open a book, this kind of state prompted me to make a decision at the end of writing this book, I can’t learn from Lu Xun, I have to learn from Sartre, Spielberg and others , to make trouble in the customs of the city, in this regard, I want to say to my readers, I am going on the road, I want to tear my youth trilogy into pieces, leave it behind, let it go with the wind, let it Fly away with my youth.

345 Yes, I'm leaving, maybe I won't come back, I'm going to run at full speed, non-stop, along the only road of shameless people, I'm going to rush into that big party made up of treacherous villains, and be in it Show your skills, yes, as I grow older, gradually, I have confidence in the evil that grows in me, I think I can compete with others, I want to make some achievements in sensationalism, I think Willful nonsense, in the success that the world recognizes, I want to try it myself until I can test the limit of my ability to bear the evil of human nature, and I will follow the footsteps of those who are not willing to be mediocre. I recorded my misdeeds in the record, I feel sad for my plan, I have not been able to face everything with integrity, my ability is limited, I can only take opportunistic methods to make my fake struggle against life flourish Fire, stench, yes, I'm off, no need to see me off, but I, a philistine, will give you a wicked smile, then turn around and run, goodbye, my A messy life, goodbye, my readers.

346 Yes, I have to rush forward no matter what, and I have to rush forward for the pleasure of rushing forward. Even if I become a tear, I still have to go forward. Even if I become a chain, I still have to go forward. Even if I become a villain, I still have to go forward. Even if I become a lie, I still have to go forward. I will rush forward even if I become a fragment, I will rush forward even if I become a watch, I will rush forward even if I become a box, and I will rush forward even if I become a foam. Even if I'm begging for nothing, I still want to go forward, even if I'm decadent, I still want to go forward, even if I become evil, I still want to go forward.

I will rush forward even if I am wobbly, I will rush forward even if I am fragmented, and I will rush forward even if I am in a mess. I know I'm going to be muddled, I know I'm hopeless, I know I'm going to be doomed, but I still want to rush forward, there must be something pushing me forward, I guess that inexplicable force is God I think it is a destiny that I cannot get rid of. I very much recognize that I can have a destiny. I obey it unconditionally in my heart, obeying it regardless of good and evil. It teaches me to move forward and move forward, Although I know that the road to knowledge is difficult and confusing, although I know that the road ahead is empty, although I know that I will be sad, I know, I know, but——

Damn it, even if I die, I still want to charge forward! I'm rushing through the storm!I rushed forward against the hail!I charge forward with Lightning in my arms!I dance with fire and rush forward! I am the ashes of fire, I am the ashes of the mirror, I am the ashes of rubber, my name is a typo that God cannot decipher, I have no attachment, no beginning and no end, I am being forgotten, I have been forgotten, I am meaningless, I fall into emptiness, I want to drag the planet I am on to move forward crazily, I am a beam of light without memory, I am living in nothingness, running wildly.

I'm going to charge forward, I'm going to leave behind all the garbage I've picked up from life, I'm going to leave behind my malice towards life, I'm going to leave behind unnecessary regrets and self-blame, I am in a mess, I am moving forward lightly, in order to meet the new bad deeds, I have to get rid of the old bad deeds, and even I am delusional about throwing away my life, because it delays my rushing forward! Finished on February 25, 2000