Chapter 16 301-320

301 Of course, emotions have always been effectively used by certain forces. For example, religion, as we all know, the goals of religion are mostly related to truth, goodness and beauty, but people do not have the ability to understand things, but out of luck, they hope to be led to a higher level. Therefore, on the way to "truth, goodness and beauty", religion can take aim at emotion. The so-called "passion" means a strong emotion, such as suffering, passion, hope, and longing. In short, it is a kind of ecstasy, a kind of irrational belief. Anyway, no one can figure out what the truth, goodness and beauty in the world are. Have people not entered the immortal spiritual world?

Therefore, this trick of pretending to be a grandson is repeated in churches all over the world. Everyone sings hymns together, eats sanctuary together, and listens to the saint's sermon devoutly together. What a pathetic wishful thinking it is to go to heaven. Forget it, I don’t want to talk about this topic anymore. It seems that people have a strong desire to be fooled by emotions. Therefore, if it is not in church, it will also be in romance novels, and it will also be in movies if it is not in romance novels. , not in the movie, but also in the relationship between the sexes, not in the relationship between the sexes, but also in other things. I can't pull them back with this little effort, and I don't bother. I will continue to put my Let's go on with the story.

302 But now, I don’t have the mood to tell any meaningless stories. If I’m clever, I’ll write a masterpiece of stories. If I have a little language skills, I’ll become a master of literature. What’s the matter? use it?The plethora of masters turn me off, what's the point of catching up to them and becoming just as pushy and sensational as they are? But I have written so much, there must be a final confession, forget it, let me list some fragments, those are the fragments of the autumn and winter of 1999, those are the fragments between me and Hum, at that time, my relationship finally fell into a mess middle.

303 The following are a few small dialogues of hand-to-hand quarrels—— "Buzz, it's time for you to find a boyfriend, what's the matter with me all the time?" "Say it again! How dare you say it again! Who do you think you are!" "I won't say it anymore. ""Speak, speak, speak louder, I can't hear what you said at all!" "What are you doing so clearly, do you want to memorize what I said first and then review it later? I Is what you say that important?" "I can't hear you clearly," she said pretendingly. "You should go, you won't be able to catch up with the car in a while, what should you do if you delay the performance?" Hurry up and go?"

"You want to drive me away again, don't you?" "I don't, you can do whatever you want." "I'll just stay here with you, what do you do? I won't leave! I won't leave!" Then, she Let out a scream. "Keep your voice down, it's in the middle of the night." "You're pissing me, you're still pissing me off! I'll never come here again!" She screamed again, ran to the door, picked up the small bag, and put her foot in the shoe As soon as he stepped on it, he didn't even put on socks, he slammed into the door and left, and he couldn't call back.

This kind of scene is all right, but other scenes make me very sad. For example: When I was busy doing my own things, she followed me like a little tail. "What should I do?" She chased after me all day and yelled at me in a coquettish voice. Another example: Sometimes, when she sees the dishes I cook, her eyes light up, and she remains motionless after eating, saying that she is full. In fact, she doesn't really enjoy eating my meals, but the lifestyle. Sometimes, I ate the food she made with her. I joked that she was usually too lazy. After eating my food for three years, she suddenly became unhappy and said seriously: "Every time I make it, you find fault. , and said it was not tasty."

and also: She cleaned up the house and waited for my compliment. I said, don’t clean up the house anymore. Her tears almost welled up in her eyes. Clean up, what do you want me to do?” In fact, Buzzing is not lazy at all, she is very diligent, she often takes out the trash can, and when I cook, she almost always washes, cuts and packs the vegetables in the The dishes are waiting for me to cook. After eating, she always washes the dishes and puts them neatly in the cupboard. Curtains, bedding, bath towels and towels are also kept clean and replaced frequently. She also cleans the room often. She started to like to use a vacuum cleaner. Later, she switched to a rag. She used a rag to clean every corner, including the floor, furniture, lamps, electric kettle, sink in the bathroom, pots and pans and stove in the kitchen. Even every key on my computer keyboard, my home is no longer covered with thick dust, and there is no longer an empty Coke can rolling under the sofa.

304 I missed one thing, that is another characteristic of Hum - superstition. She often behaves superstitiously. For example, if I talk about a car crash while driving, she will tell me to stop talking, and then say "Bah, Bah, Bah!" When her eyes twitched, she would stick some paper on her eyelids with her saliva. She is very superstitious, so she looks ridiculous everywhere, but she is so sincere, so she is very cute. The so-called superstition is to believe in hallucinations, whether it is the hallucinations of hearsay or hallucinations produced by herself, she believes deeply. This kind of superstition makes her live in a world that I can't get close to. For me, she This look looks like an alien, a ignorant innocent maiden, a quirky and funny elf, a happy angel.

305 Sometimes I will be disturbed by her, and I really want to be sent to wander around by someone, and forget about dying in a foreign land. 306 When Hum was lying on the bed with me, Ai pulled me to compare their hands and feet. She happily took my hand and looked around, then put her own little hand on it, and said, "Old monster, look, why am I so dark? You know, if only my skin color could be more even, It’s not scary at all if it’s dark, but it looks unclean now, don’t you think?” After comparing hands and arms, she even asked me to lift my legs and put them together with hers.

"Old monster, do you think my legs look good?" "Look good." "Long?" ?” 307 She also said a lot to me. "I am enthusiastic about everything for three minutes," she said, "and soon I will be bored." In fact, she will not be bored. What she likes, she will never be bored. "I was still chattering in my heart, but now that you're here, I'm going to rely on you. Don't try to drive me away so quickly." "Are you trying to drive me away?" she asked me as soon as her eyes opened. "I'm not going anywhere, I'm just relying on you, don't try to coax me to go." After she finished speaking, she sat aside.

"Old monster, why don't you ever get angry? Just get angry with me once and let me see." This is what she said when we knew each other less than a year. When she said it, she was so proud that she thought she copied it Fucked a nice boyfriend. 308 Once, Buzzing used my mobile phone to call a classmate, which made me very uncomfortable. I just picked her up from the regiment, and we were going to go to the supermarket to buy vegetables and cook at home. Buzzing thought of her classmate always Said she wanted to eat the food I cooked, so she called them to come over to eat. She sat next to me and said to the phone: "Come on, come to our house to eat, the old monster cooks, he only made it once. , come on.” The other party refused, and buzzed and returned the phone to me in disappointment. I didn't speak, I drove the car, my heart huddled together, it seems that she hasn't woken up from the past, her classmates said they like to come to my place to eat, it's just a kind of politeness, saying that the food I cook is delicious, but It’s a disguised intention to not want to hurt Buzz, and let her feel that she is living a good life, but Buzz doesn’t know, she really thinks that the food I cook is delicious, and that it’s a happy thing to be able to eat the food I cook. You know, in the world, only Hum Miao thinks this way. She is immersed in a false world and doesn’t want to come out. In this world, there are only me and her, plus the unlucky Lao Wei at most. She thinks this place is very comfortable. I like to stay here, here, I will take care of her, and she is willing to play an obedient little girl, a cute baby who can act like a baby, she is very good, very good, very successful, but I am a poor actor Too disappointing, ruined a dream of hers. 309 And the many nights we spent together, many nights, maybe too many. In the middle of the night, we went for a drive on the streets of Beijing, buzzing sitting beside me, half asleep, half awake, we didn't speak, and listened to the pop songs coming out of the tape recorder. When I was driving, she would light my pipe for me. She was very dexterous and learned everything I taught her to do very quickly. She even learned to type in Wubi in only three days. Usually, we eat American ice cream at the ice cream shop next to the Friendship Store, and sometimes we go to a certain restaurant in Dongzhimen to eat, such as spicy lobster, humming will always sit by my side, always follow me, never leave, Like a sleepless sentry guarding our emotions, like my shadow. Another late night we made love naked to the sound of Bach's piano, we were full of tenderness, maybe, I've never been so tender with anyone, I often feel, and sometimes think it's true, I mean , I think the buzz I hold in my arms is a flower. At that time, on the bed, as long as I faced her and hugged her, no matter how uncomfortable the posture was, she would also hug me. When I turned around, she immediately turned around until I turned around again. Turn around and hold her in your arms. Another late night we danced to a Mozart trio and I held her and she put her face on my shoulder and we danced only once in three years and only for a minute together but I Remember that moment. 310 Other nights we spent like this— I ignored her, and she was in another room, throwing things like slippers on the ground, so as to lead me over. She also yelled. She also sat on my lap and refused to get off. She always wants to be next to me, close to me, leaning on me, like a part of me. She often falls asleep watching TV. Sometimes, when I watch a movie, she refuses to leave when she falls asleep. She insists on me holding her. She sleeps on my lap, her body curled up in a ball, which is extremely uncomfortable, but she rather so. 311 After breaking up, Buzzing has a few wishes, to go to a big restaurant with me to eat, to watch movies with me, to watch dramas, to listen to concerts, in short, to do things that other lovers in her imagination would do, I Satisfied her one by one. When eating expensive food, she said that it was not as delicious as what I cooked. She ate very little and said she didn't like it. Every time after watching a movie, she said, this time is not counted. She said the same thing after watching the play. In the dark seat, she still wants to hug me. 312 Buzz still thinks that she should have a place in front of me, and that place is still there today. She spent money to buy a lot of worthless knick-knacks and put them in my place, such as small cups, small pots, a small piece of floral cloth, a few sheets of Dry-adhesive stickers with images from TV cartoons on it. There is a beautiful porcelain cup she bought from North Korea. It was crushed on the way home. I was going to throw it away, but she carefully pasted it with transparent tape Now, some of these things are placed in the corner, and some are placed in obvious places. After she left, I have not moved any of them. They will keep her breath in my room forever. When I am lonely, Instead of Buzzing, they acted like a baby to me, telling me that in this desolate world, there was a little girl who used to hang out with me, she needed me, and very stubbornly believed that I could satisfy her, she believed me, thought I will bring her happiness, and she spends the loveliest years of her life by my side, where she expects me to treat her well, as long as I treat her well, she will be satisfied, even proud. Her place is always there, in my heart, if I have a heart, she is still in my emotions, when I believe in emotions, her shadow is there, at night, when I think of her, A light would cast her shadow on the window-pane, and she would move like a phantom, innocent and lifelike, and no age could wear away her shadow. 313 In the later period, she was very unhappy. Although she tried her best to hide it, I knew that she was very unhappy. She walked around the room like a shadow. 314 More than once, she expressed the idea that she hadn't had enough with me, and that thought made me feel unspeakably sad. 315 I can't talk about buzz anymore, I can't talk about her amorous body, I can't talk about her tears, what she said, I really can't talk about it anymore. 316 The only thing she asks of me is that I celebrate her birthday. She always wants me to remember her birthday. For her, that day is the most important day for her. With that day, there will be future. Everything, and everything after that, seemed inevitable.Deep in my heart, I am always moved by her only request, and will try my best to satisfy her. 317 Maybe it's because I have a strange understanding of girls when I talk about Hum like this.In my life, in terms of girls, I have encountered many situations that make me sad. Some girls have hurt me, and I have hurt some girls. Before writing this book, girls were the only light in my life , the only consolation, I am grateful to the girls who have soothed my empty and anxious heart, I am grateful for the beautiful illusions they created for me about the world, soft hair, soft skin, soft breasts, soft breasts. Breathing, soft voices, soft touches, emotions softer than softness, embracing sleep together, like dying together, like rushing to heaven together, it is precisely because of the existence of girls that I have a good understanding of the world I don't know what I will do in the future, I don't know if I will go to seek that soft and powerless feeling again, when youth is gone, when the penis is no longer Erection, when the joy is no longer there, when the singing is quietly silent, when the fire of desire is extinguished, when death comes quietly, when the starlight reappears in the darkness, when the moon rises again, lonely I will still think of that A passion for needing and being needed? Perhaps, I will still remember, yes, I will remember, and even if I forget, my skin will remember it for me, my lips will remember it for me, my desires will rush me, my emotions will Carrying out the commands of desire, all this without the decision of my mind, my mind may tell me where true warmth lies, my mind tells me I should kill my lover, I should go into the wilderness, I should be in Howling like a beast in a campfire in the wilderness, instead of spending a few dollars to sit by a candle and seek warmth from the shadowy illusion of life in a cafe. Maybe it was my mind that ruined me, the buzz, my peace, this world of illusions, maybe some other force did it, but it happened, at least, in Happened in my words, may it be a hallucination, may it not matter, but, all signs point to my mind is not wrong, no pair of dead lovers come back from the land, so many flies The kiss did not leave any traces, the baby that came out of the mother's womb was clinging to blood, crying bitterly, under the measurement of the clock, something ruthlessly disappeared from my side, leaving me behind, making me unable to calm down, My mind tells me that all this comes from my being, the being that makes me dread, the being that dreads me, the being that is action, the being that is knowing, that is so close to me that I recognize it Unclear existence. 318 I am an autodidact with all the faults of an autodidact, I came from an ordinary family, no good education record, and to this day, I still have a poor man's morality, judging others by things like not paying bills, not paying back borrowed money , I am very practical, and I will never lose if I can take advantage of it. I want face, and compare it with dignity, which makes me never bow my head in the face of strong opponents. I don't know how to escape.I also have a personality that is not too strong but will never be bullied, which allows me to call myself a spiritual philistine and not inferior to ordinary people. I will not bow to the noble, let alone shameless. The short life with me and you exists in the world. I have experienced youth, I have experienced joy from the heart, I have experienced natural emotions, I have also experienced distress, I have experienced disillusionment, I have experienced unnatural life, I have some memories, some ways to understand the world, and more Having a shameful, dumbfounding, and utterly absurd rest of my life, without any evidence that I exist or that I have existed, or even a clue to find it, makes me want to die. It is impossible to find out. But all this is useless!I'm almost 32 years old, I'm rushing to nothingness in a hurry and fear, I'm ashamed, my heart is broken, I have a premonition that I will stand in front of the creator and accept his slap in the face, I am human, I am ignorant, arrogant , arrogant creature, I can't stand this blow at all, I have set out now, I am at a loss, I am very flustered, I only go with my curiosity, but my vanity also despises those who cannot be with me because of my actions. Those who dare not do so. However, all this still didn't work! 319 what should I do?how do i do itIt's like I'm holding a handful of banknotes of unknown value, standing in front of a peddler who sells life, commenting on his goods, but I don't know whether I need it or whether I can afford it. I don’t know what to do with sex. When I get comfort, I will fall into the illusion, so that the comfort I get will also show the appearance of illusion. I can’t change the way, organize a family, I have children, and I am filial. , so what?Just because I satisfy everyone doesn't mean I will be satisfied, and I can't satisfy everyone, maybe I should become a staunch prostitute, even at the risk of my life-but why every time I see something about AIDS All the reports made my heart beat faster, as if I was facing an abyss?I figured that the sexual difficulties alone were enough to turn me off for the rest of my life, making it a hysterical, haunting nightmare. Moreover, in this regard, there are many unlucky examples. Even God can't understand Adam and Eve, who learned to indulge in lust and wore leaves, and angrily drove them out of the Garden of Eden. up.My experience has taught me that all joy begets misfortune, and that bad luck often finds itself uninvited, visits your house, and won't rest until you have completely lost the interest in your pleasures. Maybe the Buddha didn't encounter any difficulties in this aspect after his enlightenment. He was empty-headed and didn't care about anything, but the young monks under him were more unlucky. The little girl who can't see, read out "color is emptiness, emptiness is form". In my opinion, this kind of miserable appeal is not only painful to listen to, but also makes you feel worried about the pessimism of the speaker, and, in the end, In my opinion, in the contest of being quieter than Liugen and believing in nothingness, animals and plants clearly have the upper hand, and it is difficult for human beings to compete with them. That is to say, sex, the only source of human joy, has dried up. The effectiveness of sex lies in the reproduction of human existence regardless of the harvest. However, regardless of the condoms and contraceptives that prevent this effectiveness, the problem is that existence What is right is not quantity, time, and space, but the understanding of existence. Without this understanding, what is the point of human beings existing for thousands of years?This is like a group of soldiers wandering around. He neither received any orders to perform tasks, nor did he have any special missions. He just wandered around with nothing to do. Do you think they are soldiers? Damn, it's boring, just like Buzzing said, how can I say it's so boring?Is it because I digress too much? 320 Under the assumption that the speed of light is constant, Einstein proposed his theory of relativity, but anyone who thinks that the speed of light is really constant is a fool. On the basis of assumptions, that is to say, human beings only need a few hypothetical thin wires to happily support a seemingly spectacular building. Unfortunately, the wishful-looking castles in the air cannot withstand any small winds and waves. Euclid The geometric edifice is destroyed by a small fifth parallel axiom. I don’t want to use non-Euclidean geometry to rebuild geometry again and again like Barochevsky and Bowyer. I will use Gauss’ method, knowing that It's over, shut up and go, yes, my story is done, full of loopholes, but I don't want to spend any more time and energy on it, I don't have the ability to weave flawless forms After all, I just want to write a deceptive masterpiece, rather than engage in genuine discovery and creation. Although my contempt for masterpieces is beyond words, I know that laziness, gullibility, ignorance People in the world always believe deeply in things that have no name. If there were no readers' stupidity, how could there be so many world art masters jumping around in the world like wolves with big tails? I don't want to jump around like those masters, and I don't bother to expose their tricks and disappoint the deceived fans. In this commodity society, my novel is a small business for me. I must submit the manuscript as soon as possible and participate in the transaction. The value of my work is not up to me personally, which actually makes me very relieved. I am more relieved than any writer who is about to receive the Nobel Prize. At this point , my strength of personality has helped me a lot, and sometimes there is inconvenience in deceiving the world, that is, I have to let go of my self-esteem and accept compliments from others. For me, this is not a problem. I still look down on those award recipients. What qualifications do they have? Give me a prize?I don't need to pretend to be a grandson to them and a bigwig to readers, I can't do it, I know very well that I have written a masterpiece, at least not inferior to the existing masterpieces, I am sure of this, my self-esteem requires me to face criticism without hesitation. I don’t care about it, and I’m not moved by praise. When I was in elementary school, there were teachers who taught me self-affirmation. I had the experience of judging myself on test papers. I ticked the questions I could do and crossed the ones I couldn’t. Fill in the scores too, without the need for others to bother. Isn't there a saying that everyone is equal before the truth? However, at this time, I still have some anxiety, I still can't let go of Hum, I still miss her, and I can't forget the harm I did to her. The worst time happened in the summer of 1999. If you don't talk about it, you will Knowing how pitiful Hum is, of course, I also don’t know how hateful I am, I hesitated over and over again, and finally decided to speak out, even though it’s not good for me, not good for Hum, and not for another girl Well, in short, contrary to those things that are unspoken, this is something that should not be said. Of course, if you don’t tell it, it will also make a fog of the truth of the matter. I think it’s time to expose it. .