Chapter 15 281-300

281 When I woke up, I found myself sitting in the corner. Probably some well-meaning people or neighbors thought I was a drunk who had returned from a hangover and bothered me to get in the way, so they dragged me to the wall as a stumbling block. I found that it was already noon , my car was parked opposite, I came to my senses, recalled my own infamy, let out a long sigh, I thought I had forgotten my mysterious mission, I regained some common sense of being human, slowly stood up, opened the car door , found a pack of cigarettes from the car seat, took out one, lit it with the cigarette lighter on the car, took a few puffs, cheered up, walked home with the drunkenness that still hit from time to time, sat on the sofa, and Gather up the courage to go through a ridiculous new day like a routine, to continue my strange relationship with this world. Although I am dying, I still make up my mind: be patient, persevere, live one day at a time, Until the end of boredom.

282 Over and over, the boredom drove me into nausea, and to deal with my nausea, I made plans for myself to take four dead flies a day, one in the morning, two in the middle of the day, and one in the evening, hoping the flies would save me Life. In fact, in my room, I couldn't find a single fly, because the flies were already wiped out by me who was bored. Without a fly swatter, no cunning insect can beat a primate. This is my point of view. In the summer of 1999, because I had enough time and patience, there was no need to go to the street to buy "Pipp". "Mosquito-repellent coils" and the like, I'd rather kill any insect that dares to burrow into my house myself, and as long as I find any living thing other than me, I will be very excited, because I finally have something to do, I turn around With a vigilant head, observe carefully and listen carefully, how could those little flying insects escape my poisonous hands?Sometimes, I don't even have the heart to beat them to death, but decide to play hide-and-seek with it again. I find that those small flying insects are actually very easy to deal with. I just need to find it and close the door. In a small space, it is difficult for small flying insects to compete with my fly swatter. If I am not flexible, then what awaits them will be a tragic disaster.

283 It was a period of days that were more boring than boring, blank days, messy days. Looking back, I couldn’t even find any clues. What else did I do besides exterminating insects?I thought, thought hard, like an amnesia patient trying to cure his disease, I knocked on my head, and shook it a few times, hoping something would fall out, but nothing came out, it was empty , as if someone stole the contents inside. Someone must have stolen some things, of course, it is impossible to steal them all, and some of them are left, they exist in my diary, I opened the diary, it is full of obscenities from life The dirty words are even beyond my own imagination. I thought someone else wrote it down for me. I didn’t expect that 1999 made me so unhappy. From the diary, I found that my old bad habits have not been eradicated, and the new ones There are endless vices. If my conscience were my own judge, I could almost send myself to prison, but even if I stay at home and enjoy a boring life that is more free than being behind bars, I don't think I have anything to brag about. The thing is, my conscience must have been bought by someone, and it has no sense of my vices and deeds, so I can conclude that there is no such thing as a conscience in me. I have no conscience, and to be honest, I think I must hasten to nod yes.

284 The ray of light in the summer of 1999 was when I met an actor named Gao Peng. This name represented his father’s surname was Gao and his mother’s surname was Peng. He also had an online name called Gao Peng Chuixue. He is also more fashionable than his real name, so everyone calls him Gao Peng Fuxue, referred to as Fuxue. In the play, Fuxue often plays the role of a very affectionate young farmer who maintains a rural complex such as defecating everywhere, but in real life he has nothing to do with farmers. He is slender, fair-skinned, with several pimples on his face, wearing baggy trousers, and wearing small night-vision glasses. He once played the leading role in a movie in Daqing, and I met me during the Spring Festival. Daqing's family played mahjong, and he brought a beautiful girlfriend who liked to renege on debts. The two played a family, took turns, and lost the money as soon as possible like a game, so as to spare time to blame each other. Therefore, the mahjong game hurt the two of them. , hurt to the point where the two of them would go their separate ways if they went back to bed as soon as possible. In fact, Fubuki's girlfriend was very powerful. She was a shrew in her early twenties. What is puzzling is that while his girlfriend was going to the toilet, Fuuxue blinked and asked us uneasily: "Am I being too hard on her? Will I hurt her?" The psychological advantage of Fubuki made us dumbfounded, perhaps because of this, the relationship between Fubuki and his girlfriend seems to be very strong, according to the classification of consumer guide magazines, it is a perfect match like deaf and dumb.

Fuxue is a friendly and warm-hearted person from Shandong who loves to travel around and has a lot of friends. Thanks to him calling me from time to time to invite me out for a night, otherwise I would have to grow green hair at home during that time. The following diary entry records a night I spent with Fubuki. 285 Tonight I was very depressed, suddenly I received a call from Fuxue, asking me to go to Banana to fool around, overjoyed, I hurried on the road, called Fuxue at the entrance of the disco, Fuxue came out to pick me up, and brought me in, Fuxue and I got on the elevator, then entered the disco, Fuxue led me into a private room, and soon, a hero who sympathized with boredom came over, handing out a plastic bag to distribute medicine to everyone, and I asked what kind of medicine it was Fubuki told me that it was called Blue Butterfly, and it was a kind of stimulant. I washed it down with beer, and soon after, I took a few mouthfuls of marijuana, so I flew up in a daze.

In the disco, after I fly, the electronic music sounds only rhythm and strength, and the body is easily guided by the music to move. Although I fly, I still have a little personal will, and I can still observe others. It was found that the role of stimulants is that it can make people pretend to forget the things imposed on people such as emotion, moral ethics, culture, etc., leaving only human nature.I noticed that after the girl flies, the upper body often does two movements, one is to wave, the other is to use her arms as if to block something, and the movement of the lower body is to shake the hips, I think, the girl's Upper body movement reveals their true nature, waving shows she wants to be noticed, blocking shows their ambivalence, i.e. wanting to be interesting without being violated, shaking hips is a sign of sexual desire, men don't show it differently , one kind of person is the same as women, another kind is immersed in loneliness, shaking his head alone, and another is pulling a girl to dance, but the point of the dance is that he usually pulls the girl a few times, and the girl seems very willing to move under his guidance , I also saw a man put his head between a girl's legs and shook it vigorously, as if he was going to get into it. I guessed that it showed his yearning for the womb. He was tired of life and hoped to return to the mother's body— I think it can be seen from these actions that the most primitive desire of men lies in expression and control, while that of women lies in resistance and submission. The same thing is sexual desire.

The last thing I want to talk about is myself. I found that the drug works for about five or six hours, and there is no physical discomfort except for some nausea. I still have the ability to observe, but it does not last long. Soon, I felt that the music was very loud and the people were chaotic. After a while, all this became unbearable, so I went outside to my car and sat alone. Although it was a bit disgusting, I could still handle it. Maybe I was I was overly sensitive to stimulant drugs. For a period of time, I felt that I almost lost consciousness several times. I counted my pulse on the electronic meter on the dashboard, and it reached 95 beats per minute, and my mind was almost automatic. Thoughts were running fast in my mind, completely out of the control of my will. Before the power of the medicine disappeared, I found a pen and paper from the toolbox on the car, and recorded the false thoughts I realized under the influence of the medicine as follows.

286 Evidence for the Existence of God - Evidence is needed for the existence of God. How do we connect one word to another? Does a word generate a word by some strange rule, or does a word itself create another word, one word after another, one sound after another, one word (symbol) after another Assuming that the first word is the cause and the end of the speech is the result, a very forced causal relationship is formed. This causal relationship lacks logic, because the interrelationship between words cannot be clarified, but the effect is Significantly, (Even the dialogue is one voice after another.) The process is mysterious and evidence of the existence of God.

Mathematics has no emotion, it is just a pure understanding or description of the world. There is a supposed accuracy in mathematics that makes people believe, and it is very objective. Therefore, it is the language used by God. Mathematics is evidence for the existence of God. Theories about physics only make sense if they are described by mathematics. For mathematics, physics is a form, because here it can be regarded as the content of mathematics. Without mathematics, physics becomes empty talk and meaningless description. Human cognition is helpless to matter, and after using mathematics, people have entered a strange physical age.

Man has stayed in this age for too long, and must invent new angles to enter matter. There is a shadow of God in the laws of physics, which is a reflection of God, an irreversible necessity. The laws of physics are evidence for the existence of God. Gaps in the periodic table of chemical elements show that God has been there and then left the science. Allotropes indicate that there are too many possible configurations of molecules to be precise enough. God does not exist in molecules. Music was not invented by God, because there is emotion in music. The purest music can be close to God.

As a pure form, music's meaning lies in chaos. God uses music when it doesn't describe anything. The accuracy of music in describing the human mind is also questionable. Modern music is either very monotonous or not monotonous enough. In general, God has nothing to do with modern music. Definition of God: God is the ultimate cause of all things. Perhaps, God is a kind of knowledge of God himself, a kind of pure consciousness. Things are manifestations of consciousness (this is not idealism), as we know ourselves about ourselves. Thoughts will arise automatically. This is proof that God exists. How does a thing form in the human mind? This process cannot be explained and is evidence of the existence of God. Why does one thing have so many descriptions? This suggests that the description itself is too far removed from the thing, and therefore, the description is meaningless. What is the law or rule by which thoughts arise? The answer is that God is at work in it. In essence, any conclusions are blind. In other words, any conclusion is wrong. Is God blind? From conclusions about things, no evidence for the existence of God can be seen. If God is a consciousness, then it is likely to be blind. As opposed to man's free will, it is also possible that God has a purpose. Perhaps God's purpose is to know his own existence. Alternatively, God's purpose is to control or use all power. The relationship between gods and power cannot be clarified. Every power may be God himself, or it may be an emissary of God. God is either creating, creating something out of nothing, or destroying, that is, creating something out of something. In short, from a human point of view, God is doing one thing. Otherwise, how could we see so many phenomena, or sign? This is proof that God exists. In a sense, people can feel gods, so gods have personalities, and in contrast, gods also have physical personality.Man has no way of knowing the relationship between matter and God. It cannot be deduced from this description that man has some kind of divinity. However, in mathematicians and physicists, one can see a kind of clarity, a kind of precision, a kind of conciseness, a kind of expression that lacks mystery, which is like a kind of divinity working in people. A definition must be given to discuss the divinity and physical nature of human beings, such as: The personality of God is: God is a knowledge, a knowing, a process, a understanding. The character of God is: a kind of persistence after encountering external forces. Believe in what? Believing is a powerful illusion. For man it is the most powerful illusion. The specific manifestation is: people's beliefs. This illusion is evidence of the existence of God. God is the will of the universe. God is the ultimate of man's knowledge, but man is unreliable, and he will stop knowing by accident. At this time, God must find a substitute for man. There is no indication that God ever stops working. God seems to be always working and never stops, but people have no way of understanding God's work. There is no evidence whatsoever that man is the highest order in the universe. Man is made of organic matter. The elements that make up human beings are found in nature. There are many more elements or materials in nature than in man. The natural world has created such a kind of cognition for human beings, and similarly, it can also create other cognitions. God may have many elect. Human beings are too simple, structurally, they are composed of carbohydrates and are too fragile. Only objective knowledge has value for man. Common sense is the ability of all animals except humans. From the point of view of cognition, common sense is meaningless. The emotion produced by human sense organs is an obstacle to cognition, because it only communicates with the human being itself, but cannot communicate with matter. God has no emotion, and emotion has nothing to do with cognition. Seeing—sight, eyes, microscopes, telescopes, and infrared instruments, spectrometers, spectrometers, etc., which form of seeing is matter itself?How can we "see" God? The way people know: Epiphany: There is too much humanity in an epiphany, so the thought that emerges from the epiphany is not persuasive and therefore of little value.Moreover, epiphany itself is just a postulate, a guess. Logic: Logic does not contain humanity, it is an organization of things, it is more concise, more specific and more objective than emotion.Likewise, logic builds on postulates and makes them clearer. Logic is evidence for the existence of God. Human nature is flawed, imperfect, and complex, but when it comes to specific things, the purpose of human nature is very clear. God is perfect and succinct, but God's purpose is unclear. In knowing things, humanity and divinity are always intertwined in man. Suffering: The Essence of Knowing, and Evidence for the Existence of God. Pain arises from premonitions, or hallucinations, of bad things. For a thing, the so-called bad thing is to prevent it from retaining its original nature, and it is a property that makes it change, transform, alienate or disappear or disintegrate. Pain, like pleasure, exists objectively. Existence: Being, as opposed to not having. This is proof of the existence of God. Joy: Proof of Man's Existence.It is subjective. Man invented mathematics, which is the only tool by which communication with God is possible. It is also possible that mathematics was taught by God. It's like an adult teaching a child how to speak. The evolution of things: Will - Universe - Earth - Nature - Inorganic Matter - Organic Matter - Life - Cell - Man. There may or may not be a ladder in the future, but the last step should be back to the will. Reason: This process is the most perfect, the most concise, and therefore, the proof of the existence of God. Free will: a thing that both humans and gods have. The form in which free will exists is evidence of the existence of God. Free will and willlessness are two aspects of the same thing, which is God. Knowledge leads to two aspects - one is: pain - destruction - nothingness. The other is: Joy-Build-Perfect. God is a combination of these two forces. Is consciousness a power? Is will a force? Consciousness and will are the manifestations of each other. Behind both is a force. What is power? name? analyze? The cause of everything? Does language think for itself? Is thought a game between language and God—or—a game of language itself? Symbols are more advanced than language—under the influence of certain laws, does the meaning displayed by the arrangement and combination of symbols exist in the laws? What do self-evident things mean? "My thoughts", does it mean the game of my personal will and language? Think: What do you mean? The way of thinking: the law of cause and effect. Does the essence of thought lie in organizing a declarable form? One of the forms of God's modern existence: weighted capital. Power is personal. Capital is divine. In modern times, after getting rid of power, capital has jumped to become a force greater than power. The essence of capital is regulation, and the process is: creation—regulation—satisfaction—new demand—creation. Capital creates many things that satisfy needs -- and when they are satisfied, capital creates needs. Capital is an active but blind force. Weighted by capital, it forms a force that determines human history. The purpose of power is to open up space. The purpose of opening up space is to open up resources. The resources that power can develop are limited. After the resources have been extracted and used, power will be exhausted and give way to weighted capital. An example of weighted capital: Unweighted Capital: I have one yuan, but I can't withdraw it. Add minority capital: I have one yuan, and I have the right to withdraw, but I can only withdraw one yuan. Add multi-weight capital: I have one yuan, but in addition to withdrawing, I can also overdraft one yuan. After the combination of knowledge and power, weighted capital is produced. Now, knowledge has assumed the mission of power, and the practical knowledge in knowledge, that is, technology, is opening up new resources. Resources are limited, therefore, new resources must be discovered, and this is achieved by inventing new knowledge. Rational use of regulatory resources: it depends on weighted capital, which is what is called business. Weighted capital is a new thing that I can see. It has only appeared in this era in human history. Can capital finally adjust people from all angles, thereby alienating people into a kind of cognitive creature? Is capital blind?Irrational, or rational? The Internal Struggle of Capital: Rationality, Irrationality. Reason Triumphs: Man will become (evolve) into a knowing being. Man is only a stage of understanding. Man cannot transcend space and time. Time and space are forms of cognition created by human beings, other than that, they have no meaning. To transcend time, one must first transcend space. If man can become a consciousness with or without substance, then he will live forever, and man can transcend time. Cognition has no entity, and if there is no entity in space, space will be canceled and space will be transcended. The senses are unreliable, that's for sure. The essence of the world is by no means a picture, nor a sound, nor a soft and hard texture, nor a taste, nor a feeling, nor a concept. The nature of the world is more like a law, a law that is 100% valid. In the nature of the world, there is no such thing as accident or chance. Speed, rhythm and timbre make up sound, which can convey a little information to people, which is less valuable than symbols. Capital has both positive and negative aspects. Man is now in the stage of destruction, destruction and deconstruction, which is characterized by advanced technology and degenerated thinking. Capital deconstructs everything down to the standard. Beauty is disintegrated. Ethics are disintegrated. Morality is disintegrated. Until it disintegrates to the point of thought—capital may come to an end. In the past, a thing was not meaningful in one aspect, but always meaningful in another aspect. Now, for capital, things are only meaningful in terms of money, thus disintegrating other meanings. When capital meets thought, capital may be recognized, that is to say, dissolved. Knowing dissolves everything. Knowing the unknown can dispel the will of God? People will establish standards again, and then a stage of construction will be reached. Man must establish a language for direct dialogue with God in order to have the opportunity to listen to the secrets revealed by God. As a knowing creature, once man knows the secret of God, it means that man's mission is completed, and man does not need to exist, but it can also be said that God directly wants man to dissolve. Perhaps knowledge coincides with God. Perhaps knowledge replaces God. This is ultimate. yes or no?still have?Is the ultimate not a being, but a nothingness? Perhaps, life is more powerful than imagined -- and more positive. Life is not simple enough, too wordy. Life, a positive force. Is the power of God positive or negative?Maybe both. What is the secret of God? Through the observation of post-modern society, I think that there are signs that we are already under the control of capital, and weighted capital has achieved the first place, but people have not yet realized it. Capital is a monster, it takes us into the unknown, capital has succeeded very fast - now it has penetrated the human brain - academic institutions. Science is not the last straw -- the last straw is human curiosity. nausea.flustered. Blue Butterfly got me so excited to write the text on it. I have more thoughts, more discussions, but I no longer feel like writing them down. stop here. 287 Two days later, I took out those few pages of false thoughts, and after reading them calmly, I thought they were worthless, nothing but a series of topsy-turvy nonsense, not even a slightly complete expression, and , Just such nonsense, or all the fragments of my daily reading and thinking, there is no new discovery at all, and its role can only be made fun of by people who are good at thinking. There are still some self-analysis in the diary two days later, which can quite explain my state at that time, and I put it below: I don't think I'm suitable for stimulants, I think it's a good medicine for those minds who are not used to thinking, and I can't, my most exciting state is not in physical expression, sexual desire, control, etc., but in expressing the thoughts in my head , when thoughts filled my head, instead of relaxation, I felt a pain and pleasure of thought, the same as when I was normally conscious.Therefore, I infer that in my personal life, the spiritual life that I thought was insignificant has actually occupied a lot of secular life. In the long-term loneliness, I have gradually become a thinker in real life, and Not being a living person has sometimes led me to overstep ordinary life, that is to say, to be thrown out of life in general, and this has the effect that I am very unhappy, unfamiliar with the way of life of the intellectuals, The patchwork of self-education gradually led me to a spiritual life that was inexplicable to me. I thought, this is not right, it will make me a mental patient, because the spiritual life does not conform to my nature. For me, If I believe in the spiritual life, then I fall into madness, and, for me, the best life is a leisurely worldly life, with some money, some time, some pornography, some things to talk about, and some energy Friends who share all this, that’s all, and because I lack the proper training and preparation, the pain in my spiritual life is more than the joy, I am very afraid of pain, so I will try my best to get rid of, even, the experience of the previous two days , After I looked at my life, I decided to try to change the status quo. I think I should take action immediately. My best action is to continue to strive for filming, do more routine work, spend more time with people, create and shoot some What else could I do, something light, to make myself feel more at ease? 288 Later, I took drugs a few more times, and found that the life of taking drugs was boring and empty, very monotonous and meaningless, so the matter was let go. 289 One thing I know very well from having written so much is what is called the author's imagination, which I believe to be hallucinations--those prophets are the ones who are so struck by hallucinations that their predictions have no tenable basis, They are just telling their hallucinations. I am disgusted by works full of rich hallucinations. I think it is an irresponsible use of nonsense as a talent. Some fools even understand that it is a metaphor for the truth of life. fuck it!It's not troublesome to leave the truth without telling it directly, but to go around and make metaphors!Anybody who tries to show off any worthless imagination in front of me, I tell him to go away, what a thing!It's over if you think about it yourself, why write it out and publish it to waste other people's time?It can be said that I avoid writers with fanciful ideas. If I have my words, I will tell them all to go to hell. I regret the aforementioned Borges when I write here. It is really true to compare him with Chinese riddle writers. Raise him, the riddle is still guessed, but he concocts hallucinatory garbage is really hard to guess, he is really good at fooling people, of course, as a stylist, he also has successors, more rookies will I have no doubt that he will carry forward his nonsensical style. But I suspect another point, that is, how much of my writing is an illusion? Not sure, just like not knowing whether those religions all over the world are collective superstition activities or collective aesthetic activities.It seems that on any matter, it is easy to talk about one's own point of view, but it is difficult to guarantee to act according to one's own point of view. Besides, it's true everywhere, well, so I don't have to worry about what I'm talking about, because there's no way to start, I just have to keep talking, what the hell!Anyway, what I want to write is a famous book, and the purpose of a famous book is only one, that is to attract the attention of anyone, not to pursue the truth. Besides, I can comfort myself in this way - anyway, writing a famous book and pursuing the truth are not necessarily contradictory To the point where fire and water are incompatible. Moreover, I noticed that even my own likes and dislikes are affected by my mood. When I am in a good mood, I can even write a paper to prove that the existence of this world is reasonable. When I am in a bad mood, who do I look at? It's not pleasing to the eye, and I don't even have the interest to read the "Bible" as a pornographic novel.According to my observation, the so-called objective writing is nothing more than a wish. Who cares whether it can be achieved? The important thing is that I want to keep writing, keep writing, write buzz, write about a girl, write about my life, my urban life, my spiritual life, write about those things that have no boundaries. 290 After the summer of 1999, the weather became cooler, and one night I received a buzzing phone call, and she happily told me that she had spent 1,300 yuan to install a phone in the dormitory, and now she can make calls wherever she wants .Later, she told me another sad news, that is, she accompanied a classmate to go shopping in Xidan during the day, and lost her wallet with more than 1,000 yuan in it. The 3,000 yuan in the money is gone, "I can't feel happy at all." She said every word. "So what to do?" I asked her. "You can comfort me, otherwise, I will feel that no one cares about me, no one loves me! I will be very unhappy!" she said. "Then how can I comfort you?" "Are you asking knowingly?" "I really don't know." "Okay, goodbye." She pretended to be angry and pressed a series of phone number keys on her end to emphasize Tone, of course, and there was a strange, harsh sound coming from the receiver on my side. "Then shall I pick you up?" "Okay then—" she said in a clear voice, drawn out, "Come on, let's enjoy together." "What are you enjoying?" "Enjoyment is enjoyment, why don't you What are you instigated, come quickly, I will wait for you at the door in a while." 291 In fact, I don't need to talk about it at all. I know what the enjoyment of Buzzing refers to is to be with me. I think there is something wrong with her view of enjoyment. One day, if I have bad luck, she will To learn that being with me is also the opposite of enjoying, I mean, suffering. Without further ado, I drove the car into the buzzing group, got out of the car, and yelled a few times towards a row of small bungalows with closed doors. A door opened, and Buzzing came out bouncingly, and walked up to me. , raised his leg and kicked me, said in his mouth: "Aren't you avoiding me, don't dare to see me!" Then he tapped my forehead with his finger, you think it's okay if you drive me away ? "Then he took one of my arms and said with a smile:" Boss, let's go and enjoy together. "We walked to the car, got in the car, hummed our heads to my chest, and whispered, "I'm not happy. I lost all my money after performing for a month, so I bought a pair of socks. It's only 8 yuan, and I haven't bought any clothes. It's only good to enjoy it with you. ""Then shall we have dinner together?" "" Not hungry. "Then I'll take you for a walk around here." "" No strength. ""Then let me chat with you. ""Not interested in. "" Then I'll call Shang Lao Wei, and the three of us will go to the movies together. ""I don't want to. "Then I'll take you home." ""No. "She gave me a blank look, and said in a drawn-out tone, "Let's go—" Then she turned her head out of the car window and laughed triumphantly, like a big mouse, I know, out of habit, She wanted to act like a spoiled child to me again. 292 The force of habit, maybe that is the only thing to be thankful for in life. As an adult, I know that many things such as eating, dressing, talking, etc. are all due to the force of habit. Without the control of habits, my life will be more chaotic. Arrangement of habits, buzzing When you are in a bad mood, you will not think of acting like a baby to me. As I get older, I realize that habits are a kind of practice that makes perfect for the common life content. It is like a conditioned reflex, like Instinct fundamentally supports me to continue spending time in this world—is this obviously a rascal!Because as long as I don't pretend to be sentimental, I will realize that there are not many people in this world, and there are not many people without me. So, good habits and bad habits are my way to win. Adding one is one, and I can't If I lightly get rid of any of my habits, then the content of my life will be reduced by a large amount. I can't do this kind of wicked thing to myself-I'd better write a song called "My Dear My Bad Habits", I often sing it to myself. But, it must be a bad song, especially when Buzz is popping tunes about coquettishness at me. 293 Buzz and I returned home and watched her turn on the light, put down her small backpack, and hang it on the hanger at the door, take off her coat, hang it on the hanger, and take off her shoes after entering the house. She took out slippers from the shoe cabinet and put them on. After entering the room, she plugged in the electric thermos, turned on the TV with the remote control, went back to the kitchen, turned on the water heater, went to the bathroom to take a shower, and came out to put on a clean and close-fitting suit. Cotton clothes, combing her hair with the blue plastic comb she is used to, walked up to me, winked at me mischievously, with a contented look, as if she still came here every day, I felt a little Sad, of course, not out of force of habit. "What do you want to drink? The water is boiling. I'll make it for you." Hum sat at the dining table and said to me. "Black tea, what about you?" "I also drink black tea." "Why?" Raising her hand, she took out her teacup and mine from the teacup shelf and filled them up respectively. She put a small cube of sugar into my teacup, stirred it with a small teaspoon, and handed the cup to me. Me: "Here, drink it." I sat across from her and drank tea with her. I saw Hum humming took a sip, looked at me, raised my head, stretched my waist, let out a long breath, and said casually : "It's really enjoyable!" I smiled. "What are you laughing at?" She put the tea cup on the table for a while, "I tell you, I'm not happy now, but you enjoy it here every day, and I lost my wallet, huh!" "What kind of enjoyment is there?" Yes, it’s just a cup of tea.” “It’s just enjoyment, it’s just enjoyment,” she said as she got up, walked over from the opposite side, sat on my lap, hugged my head, and tugged at my ears.” Do you say that you enjoy secretly by yourself every day?" "No." "Say it again! Say it again! Let me tell you, I'm not happy anymore!" I know, whenever buzzing says I'm unhappy, the actual She is very happy. "Can you sit on a chair? My legs are numb. Who cares if I become lame in a while?"照顾我，你一会儿还要给我做饭，不许赶我走，请神容易送神难，你把我接来，就算你倒霉，知道吗？＂她假装出一副蛮横的样子，用手在我脸上指指点点，就像是在训我。 ＂你饿吗？＂＂一会儿就会饿。＂＂那我做饭去。＂＂做什么？＂＂我有印度咖喱，咱们吃咖喱鸡块，米饭，配西红柿牛肉末汤，怎么样？＂＂好啊好啊，＂话音未落，她忽然挑起眉毛，生气地说，＂我不吃了！＂＂为什么？＂＂你一定趁我不在的时候老和别的姑娘吃，要不怎么眼睛都不眨就能说出要吃什么呢！＂我做了一个鬼脸，没理她，走进厨房，她跟进来，抱住我的一条胳膊：＂老怪，你说你是不是？＂＂是什么？＂＂你是不是老躲着我跟别的姑娘一起享受，是不是？＂＂不是。＂＂一定是，一定是，＂她在我面前上蹿下跳起来，且手舞足蹈，＂你茶都没喝完就跑到这里做饭，就是想躲着我，人家钱包都丢了，也不安慰安慰人家。＂我抱住她，吻她，她脸上露出笑容，我松开手，她说：＂可是，我还是不高兴。＂＂又怎么了？＂＂我――我――＂她支支吾吾，似乎想不出来有什么不高兴的事情了，随后她甩开我的手，＂我不理你了，妈叉儿的，我看电视去了。＂她志得意满地扭出了厨房，我知道，她撒完娇，就会十分高兴。 294 夜里，我们睡在一起，乱搞时，嗡嗡还哭了，尽管她没有出声，我还是从她脸上的眼泪中发现了这一点，我想，她也许想我了，也许，她居然也长大到了解伤感的年龄了，我没有对她提这件事，她已20岁，仍像一块豆腐般的柔软，她的身体仍然多情而可爱，她睡起觉来仍然悄无声息，她身上仍散发出香喷喷的气味，一句话，很久未见，她仍未改变。 我睡不着，下了床，穿好衣服，来到厅里，关上两道门，打开音响，一个人听音乐。 一整夜，我听着舒伯特的三重奏，他的编号898的乐曲如此富于人性，那么甜蜜，那么忧伤，那么消沉，那种从音乐中流出的情感在我听来十分动人，仿佛我与舒伯特本人在黄昏之中，在喝下几杯美酒之后，默默地徘徊于河边，浑身上下被暖意簇拥着，此刻，我们肩并肩地走着，身上背负的人生不再冰冷，不再坚硬，而是以一种柔软多情的面貌出现，此刻，我宁愿在他的音乐中沉醉，就像一条鱼愿意在水中游弋一样，我暂时忘记多日的疲倦与沮丧，被幻觉中多姿多彩的人世间所吸引，陷入纠缠不清的情感之中。 295 第二天天刚亮，我睡去了，嗡嗡大概是中午起的床，我起来后，发觉屋子被她收拾得干干净净，她还拉着我看她擦过的角落，并用责怪的口吻对我说：＂老怪，你以后也收拾收拾屋子，那么脏。＂ 到了晚上，她照例拉着我坐在一起聊天，奇怪的是，嗡嗡非常喜爱跟我聊天，贫嘴也罢，东说西说也罢，只要是跟她说话就行，她对我讲起她们随歌舞团到外地演出，讲起她们同学谁和谁又吹了，谁和谁又好了，并不时看我一眼，说：＂反正你也有她们的电话，看，这不是机会来了，还不赶快打去，臭流氓。＂她总是这样，我是说，故意带着爱意把我说得特别可恨。 她还刺探我，套我的话：＂这一段我不在你过得不错吧？＂＂还行。＂＂行什么行！说，都操了哪几个姑娘，有没有我们班同学？＂＂没有。＂＂胡说――你成天到晚打她们主意，以为我不知道呀！＂＂哪儿轮得上她们呀。＂＂哟！你行呀――早晚得上性病，病死你！＂奇怪的是，由于她的视野只停在她们团里，因此，只要是她知道我没有与她的同学有什么关系，她就放心了，别的她倒不太感兴趣。 随后，我们又聊了些别的，电视新闻啦，明星私生活啦，拖拖拉拉地说了一晚上，最后，她像是说累了，忽然说：＂我怎么觉得一切都那么没意思呀！＂此言一出，我也颓了，更令我感到不舒服的是，这话是出自嗡嗡之口，一个20岁的小姑娘。 296 接下一天，她接到同学电话，要她回团排练，临走时，她有些恋恋不舍，但还嘴硬：＂我告你老怪，我可是想来就来，想走就走，你别以为能把我甩开，我就赖着你，跟你死磕，你听清没有？＂ 297 接下来以后，她仍不时要我去接她，有时，我叫上老巍，我们三人一起出去吃饭，驾车兜风。 对于我们俩的关系，我对她也有过暗示，比如，我问她最近是否交到什么男朋友，嗡嗡始终对这句话反应强烈，有时她大嚷大叫，说我不要她，赶她走，还有时，她有点自怨自艾，偷偷地哭泣，并对我说：＂可是，你已经把我给操了，反正也不值钱了，我就跟你这儿赖着。＂更有时，她对我不理不睬，置若罔闻，一生气就半天。 总之，她就如同一块贴在我伤口上的橡皮膏，贴着多余，撕下来又让我疼痛，因此，我一直不知如何才好，但有一点我很清楚，嗡嗡留恋的是我身上的假象，我并不具备她喜欢的那些东西，我知道我会一再伤害她，因为她正处于人生的早期，她盲目地相信世上有一种使人们朝夕相处的情感，而我却早已不相信了，并且，我不愿意撒谎。 也曾有过几次，嗡嗡以她的可爱深深地打动了我，甚至让我暗下决心，我想过，也许我这一生都不会快乐，但看来我有能力让嗡嗡快乐，既然如此，那么，为什么不让她快乐下去呢？这又不费我什么劲，我只须不再去弄新的姑娘就可让她满足。 但是，事过境迁，我便会怀疑自己是否能坚持下去，而且，嗡嗡是否会长久地满足于此呢？答案令人灰心。 298 这不是一本叫我倒胃的纯情小说，我也没有丝毫在写作中言情的打算，纯粹的情感故事也许能打动很多无知的蠢货，但别想让我与那些著名骗子一起用情感去搭建莫须有的空中楼阁，我已30多岁，再恬不知耻也不屑于用情感来欺骗自己与别人，我写作，是用文字来寻找一种形式，一种关于表达的形式，通过这种形式，我希望自己能发现点滴的生活真相，这是我的个人愿望，这个愿望在我写作时，十分可悲地始终没有得到满足，也许，这对破除我对写作的迷信有好处，但是，我深深意识到，情感，作为泛上生活表面的陈渣，无疑拥有为数众多的信徒，连我自己都无法不把情感注入到文字中去，这使得我的写作变得毫无意义，因为它无法始终面对一种真实的存在，主观上，我不想当一个貌似无知的说谎迷，但我发现，由于无能，我一点正经事也没做成，写作这件事，只是被我用来填补了一些我的空虚时间，我想我是利用了写作，但利用得不够好，这表明我十分没有出息，失望之余，也让我看清了自己的真面目，看来，除了荒唐地与骗子们一起争名逐利以外，我不可能有所作为了，事到如今，我手边剩下的事儿只是诸如攀比攀比类似昆德拉之类的畅销书作家，或是看看诸如达里奥。福之类的粗俗艺人的笑话，瞧着他领着一家人夹塞儿挤进诺贝尔奖大骗子的行列，不以为耻，反而傻逼到以为真的在糊口之余搞成了艺术，这一切，对于我的生活来讲，也算是一点无聊的乐趣。 299 人类的狂妄由来已久，比如前世、来生这些概念，尽管没有一丝一毫证据表明这些事物确实存在，但人们仍旧愿意相信它，这种无法理喻的一厢情愿，可表现出人类情感的可笑之处，即在情感上，人们是多么地愿意相信自己离奇古怪的意愿，而把真相放在一边。 在我看来，情感的首要特点就是一厢情愿，这种一厢情愿平空而起，肆无忌惮，它表现出情感的荒谬与可笑，情感为我们的存在找到一个又一个理由，在情感的作用下，这个世界被描绘成这样或那样，真的或假的，美的或丑的，善的或恶的，其目的无非是为人生找到一个可以一过的借口，最讨厌的一种情感便是好奇心，它以探索这个世界为乐趣，不管遇到多大的痛苦，都能被好奇心所理解，不幸的是，所有的情感都是人类的一厢情愿，这个世界并不因人的情感而存在，更与人的情感毫无关系，我可以这样说，世界对人的情感漠不关心，我还可以更准确地描述这件事：这个世界与我们的一厢情愿毫无关系，行星不依我们的情感而运动，恒星发出光然后冷却，与我的情感没有联系，情人离我而去，与我的情感没有瓜葛，我在变老，我在死去，这与我的情感仍无关系，事实上，我的情感是如此依赖于这个世界，一场洪水冲毁我的家园，一次地震使我的亲人惨死，这使我的情感受到震动，我的情感被这个世界牵着走，它戏弄嘲笑着我的情感且永远充满恶意，这才是真正的事实，难道不是吗？ 让我们承认吧，情感是人生的赖皮脸之处，它是那么卑贱地向着这个世界摇尾乞怜，希望得到怜悯与安慰，而这个世界却对这种一厢情愿不屑一顾，难道怀有情感的人们不觉得可悲吗？ 300 我还注意到，在精神生活中，情感干了很多混淆黑白的事情，它败坏了人们的欣赏趣味，使人们把注意力过多地集中在那些不须艰苦的脑力劳动就可轻松到手的漫谈之上，并傻乎乎地自以为得计，真是无法弄！下面我就随手谈谈臭了街的＂真善美＂，用以说明情感给人们的精神生活带来的灾难，虽然我知道，这种谈论对于麻木不仁的家伙是不会起作用的。 通过观察与思考，我相信： 未被发现的美是冷漠的，不具情感的，它让凡人无法领略，甚至让人望而生畏，它是一种神秘，一种怀疑，一种冷静而客观的假象，美一旦被冒险揭示，就会走向它的对立面，成为一种美的制度，美的暴力，一旦被这种暴力征服，我们就会成为匍匐在美脚下的乞丐。 对于这种美，我想到的例子是一个未被发现的数学公式，或是一个物理定律。 已被发现的美被人赋予了太多的情感而毫无价值。 善也不具情感，因为它的终点是一种判断，如同对一个命题真伪的判断，如同道德判断一样，它只有对与错，准确与不准确，它同样也是冷冰冰的，如同我们置身于其中而其毫不知情的宇宙一样，它十分神秘，令人望而生畏。在人类的历史上，善至今仍是一种理想，一个空缺，没有一种知识价值体系能把善收入帐下。 对于这种善，我想到的例子是一个有待证明的数学命题。 已被发现的善也被人赋予了太多的情感而变得十分空洞，毫无意义。 对于真，我想，它是假象的代名词，在真所存在的一切领域中，它竟肆无忌惮地欺骗着人的理智，使人们一次次上了经验的当，因为在＂真＂的领域里，被赋予了最多的情感色彩，我们宁愿相信我们脚下的土地是踏踏实实的，我们宁愿相信我们的感觉、知觉，我们甚至为其创造各种观念，这一切，表明我们是多么怯懦和可笑，我还是实话告诉你吧，在人类的知识领域内，我们至今仍未获得关于真的半点认识途径，我们只是漫无边际地胡猜乱撞，我们只是煞有介事地坐在假象的黑暗中，虚头八脑地犹豫不决而已。坦白地承认吧，人类是一种十分低级的生物，根本没有能力去认识那使人万劫不复的真相。 对于真，我想到的例子是一个对世界的逻辑认识系统，它涉及的知识还未曾被全部发现。 已被发现的真同样因为被人赋予了太多的情感而变成了真的对立面。 另外，我再次强调，真善美不是一种情感，不是一种意愿，而是一种知识体系，是关于这个世界存在的客观性认识，所有的艺术与真善美毫无关系，虽然艺术打着真善美的旗号在世间行骗已久，艺术倒是有这个传统，但千万不要再继承下去了，做为感官方面的享受，波普艺术已提供足够的材料，谁要是在精神上接近了艺术，那么，这个人就一定是疯子，一般疯疯就是所谓的妄想狂，就是艺术大师，疯得狠点儿就是预言家，两种疯法都令我反感，真善美做为一种或几种信念存在于人的头脑里就够可笑的了，就不要把它们往艺术上毫无必要地强拉硬扯了，那种提法与一个农民提到观世音并无二致，我想，这方面我就不用举例了。