Chapter 14 261-280

261 In order to let him leave Beijing without apology, we got together again the next day and the third day. In short, in the days that followed, as long as we got up together, we would pick up the phone. An hour later, a group of people met again We got together for 7 consecutive days, we gathered together day and night and were silent, only the sound of Daqing's rumbling fart was always with us. In the end, we all stared at Daqing almost intently, waiting for him to fart, and then Adding new farts, so as to make a laugh, while Daqing has a calm demeanor, pretending to be unaware, aiming to let out farts unexpectedly, adding laughter to the party.

262 It was a depressing and crazy Spring Festival, at least, it was like this in my memory. In addition, I still remember that during that Spring Festival, Daqing’s fart also aroused my memories, just like Proust Like the memory that occurred after eating the little Madeleine in the novel, this kind of sensory organ as the clue must have occurred in many other writers. I will describe my memory here to show that Homage to this French writer, of course, I will not use such a profuse narrative method as his. 263 How did I get sober when I was lost in emotion with a girl when I was young?I thought I'd better tell the story again.

It is well known that pregnancy destroys love, and many lovers fight and complain about pregnancy, which shows that the goal of love is not to gain mutual kindness and respect from mutual interaction, but something else--I mean, from an entertainment point of view, that It's sex, and from an aesthetic point of view, it's a beautiful feeling. Sex and good feelings are not the same thing, after good feelings we will wish for them again, and one of the consequences of sex, pregnancy, forces us to face less good feelings - abortion, which is A remedy that shows that sex has been hurt.The second consequence is reproduction, which is a natural result. Reproduction makes women’s beauty disappear. The belly of a woman who is pregnant with a fetus changes the original natural curve of the body. It looks strange from the front, but it is even more ridiculous when viewed from the side. After giving birth, Sex disappears. Firstly, childbirth destroys the original channel of sexual intercourse. Secondly, child-feeding makes sex appear absurd. After watching the child suck the mother’s milk wantonly, I think the original sexual partner must be embarrassed to have sex with her. A weak toddler scrambles for the land of tenderness, and that nasty toddler emerges from the place where his cock loves to penetrate, and turns to bite his more fondly touched breast, and with every weak and helpless move, he is firmly attracted Her attention, in this situation, what does the man most want to do?It's nothing more than running away.

In fact, I don't want to talk about pregnancy here. What I want to talk about is another thing. It is not often mentioned, but its destructive power to love is just as fierce. What is it?Simply put, it's a smell we don't like very much, the smell of our excrement. At the time, the girl I loved had a thing about being nervous and something got out of hand, I mean, fart. You see, it's a very sad story, but it's also very funny. 264 I have to declare that this is an old story. The girl is very young, beautiful, and sexy. I won’t mention her name. If you really want to know, just name it. It’s called art. In fact, the name doesn’t matter. What matters is that I know her. At that time, there was nothing wrong with her and I. I was young at the time, had no bad habits, was pure in heart, and was fairly kind. She trusted me very much, even though she knew she would get nothing from me, she dared to promise her , I was moved by her at once, and even more moved by the beautiful emotions that suddenly arose in my heart. You know, the time to generate beautiful emotions from my heart is only a short period of time in a lifetime.

When I met the girl for the third time, we had a good conversation. We sat face to face in the bar. I grabbed her hand for the first time, but she stepped forward and farted silently. Immediately, we fell together. In the midst of a gloomy mist, I didn't know whether to let go of my hand or continue to hold it. I could only pretend to be indifferent, and waited for the smell that affected her beauty to disappear as soon as possible. If it wasn't for being polite, I would definitely do it She made a gesture of fanning with her hands, and I observed her, she looked very calm, a look that I had never heard of before, I mean, she seemed to have nothing to do with it, it seemed that the appearance of this mysterious stench had nothing to do with her, I was very surprised I quickly thought of the countermeasure, that is, even though there was no one else around, I still pretended to look around, as if to blame this incident, of course, she, who was smart and beautiful, quickly imitated me.We endured it for a long time, and the matter subsided, and the smell gradually drifted to other places.

The next time we met, our emotions deepened to the point that our bodies both called out, so I kissed her on the sofa at my house, but she did it again. Of course, the taste seemed to be stronger than the last time. It was unpleasant, but also made a deeper impression on me, because I felt that our kiss seemed to have changed, and she stopped looking left and right, trying to blame others, because the only other person was me, and I thought that at this time the two It would be very embarrassing for people to evade each other, so I had to finish the kiss, and then let out a long breath. If I had any doubts last time, I am sure this time. I think I must not talk about her in the future. In addition to her eating habits, her beauty has been greatly reduced in my eyes.I saw her acting innocent, so I had no choice but to greet her indifferently, but I knew she was a girl who likes to fart, so it was really a cold water.

As for love, I don't want to give up because of two stinky farts, at least it sounds ridiculous, I think, I shouldn't interrupt our relationship because of this disgusting reason, so I braved the stench like sailing against the current, Tenaciously go on a third date with her. The next date, at my house, we went to bed in the dark, I got my head under the covers and kissed her breasts, she pushed back gently, very uncertain, and I was also very nervous, at this time, the following There was a soft and low muffled sound, as if saying no to me, and a second later, the muffled sound showed its power, and an unbearable stench hit me, which caught me off guard, and then I panicked, because the gas was concentrated in this small space in the quilt, so it was particularly hot, choking me so much that I hiccupped, and it was like a sap in the head. At this time, I didn't explore her breasts at all I just wanted to get out of danger and get out of the quilt as soon as possible. I got out and pressed the quilt under my neck. The stench was locked in the quilt, and I breathed in fresh air. At this time, I could no longer breathe. She was indifferent and annoyed, because she could have given me advance notice, but the thought of the specific situation at this time stopped talking about it.I sneaked out a foot to pick a small hole under the quilt, so that the smell had a way to escape, and she, I noticed, was a little unsettled, and she subconsciously grasped the quilt tightly with both hands One corner, and strangled the quilt around her neck, which made me feel worried for her, fearing that if she strangled too tightly, her life might be in danger.After a long time, I dared to take the next step. This time, she did not refuse, but actively cooperated with me. I believe that she secretly felt that she owed me, because her previous actions were a bit indecent , So, I was able to mess with her smoothly, and I was very excited, accompanied by her "I want" or something like a cry of love, when the misfortune came again, I suddenly heard a fart sound that only a deaf person can deny, My emotions were severely hit. I knew that the encounter with the stench had started again. As expected, the sound came out, followed by the stench. This kind of purely physical problem is also irresistible, and due to the experience of the previous few times, I can no longer turn a blind eye to it, not to mention that I have no interest in eating and drinking for her stinky beauty. I hurriedly turned over and got out of bed, pretending to pee, and looked back at her halfway, I really wanted to point my finger at her nose and cry out in American movies: You are finished!

265 Things have changed, looking back, I think I should draw a conclusion from it, I can't help but say, in fact, there are too many things that threaten love, everything can kill love, pornography is no more durable than love Standing in the wind and rain, I am expressing a life sigh on this matter in this way. Readers, please see if the feeling is appropriate. I want to say: There is nothing more disappointing than someone farting in a mess!There's nothing harder than dodging a fart's surprise attack!Nothing has been more embarrassing than being hit by a fart! For this matter, I really want to find someone to discuss countermeasures.

266 But no, it's just me here, and I'm alone, so I'll have to do it on my own, I mean, thinking about farting, a common thing in life, I don't believe it's worth more than a country's Economic issues are even more unimportant, because both are important matters that affect millions of people-although this topic sounds cheap, but I think it is better to admit the reality than to suffer the torture of stinky farts in silence and sanctimoniously, Take it seriously, and it is best to engage in resistance. I think it is best to ask Beethoven about this matter. He is a person who likes to hold fate by the throat. Fart Throat, I listened to his music and tried to find a solution to it, but I was very disappointed that music couldn't do anything about it, and digging deeper, I found that all existing art couldn't do anything about it.As I delved deeper, I found that the question I raised seemed to be a very new question, although it existed for a long time. I really wanted to submit this question to the Royal Swedish Academy to see if they could make it As the title of the next Nobel Prize-this question involves acceptance psychology, behavioral science, population quality, sensory perception and concept, customs and habits, food science, aesthetics, morality, and common sense of life, gender relations, feminism, chemistry Knowledge, gas kinematics and other knowledge, of course, if sociology and philosophy forcefully snatch this matter as their research goal, I also welcome it.

267 I can still recall how my soul was wounded the last time I smelt that chilling stench, and I think, (of course, and the girl's, I believe, it's all the more terrible for girls, because , for this tragedy, at least she knew a moment before me in terms of time, so she must be more nervous,) It made me suddenly depressed in the face of life's pleasures, and made me change my decision immediately, and I don't want to be with a girl who is good at farting I have a reason to stay together for a long time. I think that is what happened to the mandarin ducks who were beaten with clubs. They will be as sad, as depressed, as discouraged, and as unhappy as I was at that time-it is simply unbearable to look back on!

I can even compare this fart with a third party and prove that this is an unavoidable problem. I only need to mention one point. Although a stinky fart is far more polite than a third party, without malice, its The visit is very random, disguised and lethal, and it is hard to guard against. It can disintegrate people's fighting spirit and make people feel that the end of sex is nothing more than that, although this kind of thing is no more easy to understand than a third party in modern times. It is fond of talking about it, but it is inextricably linked with human dignity and feelings. The fatal thing is that its arrival destroys people's efforts to whitewash their emotions, and does not bring people the slightest beauty in terms of beauty. This is beyond the reach of any third party. 268 Here, for the sake of Proust and his "open flower" narrative structure, I think I still have to continue to narrate, otherwise, my respect will be a bit shallow, how can I continue?I think I'd better develop his way of narration, if it follows one fart to a third person who emits another fart, then the third person tells about one of my lovers, and from that lover to the lover's family History, etc., etc., go on endlessly like this, leading the reader into the maze of private memories, I don’t have much patience myself, and people will think that I am imitating others. Plagiarism also needs to be copied with some new ideas, otherwise the Baroque church built by Laopu with literature will overwhelm me, making me feel that my writing is meaningless, and what is more frightening is that I will fall into the narrative cliché invented by Proust. Therefore, I decided to write a piece of text that Proust is difficult to imitate even if he is a modern reincarnation. Old Pu’s characteristic is to focus on a kind of emotional process, to describe and analyze, and I, simply, narrow the scope even more. Aiming at the most specific thing, let the literary people see how my original style of writing freely travels among science, literature, philosophy, mythology, religion, and history. As for my skill, it depends Look at the cleverness of the readers. 269 But what should I write?I looked through the doctoral dissertation of Trinity College, Cambridge, and found that it was full of studies on basic issues, such as "Study of Matter", "The Essence of Space", "Discovery of Spirit", "Introduction to Symbols" and so on. I decided to write a thesis, and the title is tentatively set as "Farting Research". I will pursue the most specific thing about farting until I get some income. Can you not admit that I have raised the novel to the height of philosophy, so that you are completely convinced by me? Of course, many people are not suitable for reading papers, and I can’t be so wicked as to make it difficult for readers to highlight my knowledge and wisdom. Therefore, I just take off the preface of the paper and put it below. I am a happy person. Let readers know the whole thing by peeping at me. 270 "Preface to Farting Studies" I think, as a raiser, researcher, and even an attempt to control the question of "what to do when one party farts in a relationship", although I dare not claim to be an expert at the moment, I should at least be regarded as a pioneer. For my Pioneering position, I think, for which I should write my first paper on the subject, I'd like to start like this: Pregnancy is known to destroy love, so what about one or both partners farting during sex?I would like to make the following discussion on this issue. Subject: Fart. It can be divided into several types according to the loudness (unit: decibel), extremely loud, second-loud, loud, not too loud, and not loud. It can also be divided into several types according to the taste: very smelly, second smelly, smelly, not too smelly, and not smelly at all. (As for what a standard odor unit is, since the test instrument I invented has not been used as a standard, it is not involved for the time being) Object: people. It can be divided into several types according to gender: male or female.or both. Of course, it is less common for both parties to fart at the same time in love history, but it should not be let go. Here, we can discuss in order, the man farts first, or the woman farts first.Finally, let’s discuss the small probability event—the two parties are at the same time, or almost at the same time. You can also discuss according to the relationship between characters, lovers, married couples, improper relationships between men and women. In fact, the purpose of this paper is to conduct a comparative study of the above-mentioned incidents at the levels of science, culture, and public morality. Of course, the environment is also very important. For example, if this incident happened in a well-ventilated area, the harm would be much smaller. On the contrary, if it happened in a small and closed environment, for example, it can withstand the severe cold of minus 40 degrees Celsius. Double sleeping bag, then, it will have very dire consequences. In addition, I have given the definitions of all the important concepts I proposed in the text, and the interrelationships between the concepts, and there are some postulates, theorems and inferences that I have found to be tested by facts. So far, the general framework of the paper It is built. Disclaimer: Coprophagia should be excluded from all of the above situations. The research on this group of people is not enough, and there is not much information available. But the good news is that this group of people is not afraid of this problem. For them , to have such an opportunity is really endless enjoyment, they will feel like a spring breeze, and they will be overjoyed, because they have tastes that are completely opposite to those of ordinary people. Faced with such a complex situation, my research direction is very important. I think that I cannot cover everything in a paper. In the spirit of science and the sense of responsibility of a scholar, I think I will face the double-edged sword of experience and thinking, but I still hope to open up one or several valuable roads for latecomers—of course, to really do this well, there must be external conditions to support it. Experiments are a big one. Laboratories, experimental equipment, experimental scientific research Personnel, fart personnel, this is the beginning of the matter. Once I have a large amount of experimental data, then I can analyze and summarize it together with experts from many disciplines. Now, due to the immature experimental conditions, I can't come up with first-hand information, and I personally have no intention of being a volunteer for this experiment. Therefore, I can only submit my various assumptions and guesses on this matter in this paper, instead of facts and scientific conclusions, for future reference. Latecomers reference. In fact, when I was doing research on the above problem, I naively thought that this seemingly easy problem was very easy to solve, but as I deepened my research, I encountered huge difficulties, some of which were even insurmountable. I've lost faith several times, I wish I had a good head, I've also imagined that if Newton found not an apple falling from a tree, but a rotten apple on the ground, and noticed the smell of the apple, Or he eats an apple that seems to be intact but is not, and causes the objective effect of continuous farting for several days, then he may shift the research direction from the theory of gravity to the theory of farting that is more practical for human beings. I believe that Newton's miraculous intelligence will definitely help him, and he will not suffer from failure like me. Here is just one example to illustrate the difficulty of this task. When my research work just started, I directly faced the process of "from farting to smelling". First of all, fart, as a gas, its propagation law spans multiple disciplines and involves many theories. The formation of farts is still a difficult mystery for human beings. Therefore, it is very difficult to find a way to control it. Here, the ancient Chinese have had a long-term practice worth boasting. They invented fart plugs of various shapes and materials for use. To block the anus and control the dangerous transmission of fart as a kind of gas and sound, the ancients were undoubtedly smart and wise, but for modern people, this method is obviously very inconvenient, because modern people can allow women to use it. Vaginal plugs are used to pass menstruation, but it is obviously difficult to persuade them to plug the rectum that is used more frequently, so the ancient Chinese method is of little value. The first link, "the formation of farts", I left it to human physiologists and biochemists, and I went directly to the second link, that is, "the movement of farts in the intestines as gas", which I have not yet figured out Does the gas move in a vortex or in another way, and if it is a vortex, is it left-handed or right-handed?How is its rotational acceleration formed?Finding this law involves aerodynamics, thermodynamics, soft body mechanics and physiological anatomy. The calculation of the pressure of this gas is very cumbersome. It involves a series of dynamic changes, such as external atmospheric pressure, abdominal pressure, external and internal pressure of the intestine, and anal sphincter. The intensity and movement law of the fart are closely related to other human actions and even postures. What is more difficult is that fart is a mixed gas, and its composition is also in dynamic changes. For example, leeks and beans (crude fiber and high protein) have a direct impact on the composition of the fart, and the effect on the fart is also obvious after the fart is shot from the anus. Observing this change requires long-term patience, perseverance and scientific spirit. My sense of smell was directly impaired when I was doing this research, even though it was only a cursory touch. I conducted this round of research carefully and prudently, but in the end it ended in failure. I hope to get the assistance of experts in anatomy, chemistry, mathematics, and nutrition. Maybe there will be hope for success, but the problem will be solved in the next round. It still seems to be more hopeless, that is, "diffusion and spread of farts". Just the angle of the first ejaculation of farts is a very confusing problem. Many people preconceived that the farts are ejaculated at an angle perpendicular to the anal sphincter. In vitro, in fact, this point of view is ridiculous. The problem of the initial shot angle of the fart is very complicated. It involves the strength of the anal muscles. In fact, its direction is a vector sum, and the problem of the initial velocity of the fart is also complicated. It even involves the density of the fart. So far, I have not been able to formulate the equation for this initial velocity. Therefore, I cannot use a computer to calculate it. Instead, I can only use testing instruments and tools to conduct thousands of tests and draw a general conclusion. Going back to my research topic, that is, "the spread and spread of farts", I think this issue is very complicated. Because people have the habit of wearing underwear and underwear, the spread of farts is more complicated than the trajectory of planets. I want to Controlling its movement is also more difficult than controlling the launch vehicle, which is easier when the nude is static, but becomes confusing when it comes to dynamics and clothing, because the person's posture and clothing can not only prevent the spread of farts, but also Changing the angle at which farts are first ejaculated, e.g. standing versus sitting, moving versus stationary, wearing a skirt versus pants, single layer versus layered pants, synthetic versus cotton pants , in bed is different from indoors, and indoors is different from outdoors. Moreover, the accuracy of various sensors for testing dynamic gases is different, and the detectors often have problems. Although they can be controlled by computers, the amount of data transmission and calculation So big that I suspect that a typical large computer will be in a dead state most of the time, so this round of problems is still pending, I need computer engineers, automatic control experts, mathematicians, and aerodynamicists s help. The next round of process is the process of "after the gas enters the nostrils, it is sensed by the olfactory organs and transmitted to the brain by the nerves for analysis". Of course, there are still too many problems that cannot be solved here. I will briefly study this problem. Then I invented a new theory, olfactory psychology. Although, in it, I proved some of the propositions I put forward, such as: "the reaction to smelling my own fart is different from that of others", but in general That being said, the conclusions reached are far from enough to solve the problems I am facing. To sum up, it is conceivable that my research is difficult, but it is very challenging for me. I don't know if I can make progress on any point in my lifetime. There is an innate superiority in nature, that is, on the same person, the direction of the anus and nostrils is 90 degrees, and one is located in the front of the body, and the other is located in the back, and there is a considerable distance between them, which brings It has brought unimaginable benefits, so that the fart problem is not so urgent to human beings. Another issue worth mentioning is the sound made by farts. Chinese people in particular may suffer from this, because the sound of farts is similar to a very frequently used Chinese character, that is, the word "no". Negative words, which make fart sounds unimaginably destructive under special circumstances (such as in political or business negotiations), are a separate issue, which I discuss at length in the last chapter. In this thesis, I did something that I think has long-term significance, that is, marked the direction of fart research, divided the scope of each part of it, marked the difficulty, and the interrelationship of each part, In order to prepare the latecomers before studying this issue, Bacon believed that he had demarcated the boundaries of human knowledge. I think my work is no less than his in significance. His scope lies in the abstract and rough. Knowledge, and my scope lies in concrete and practical knowledge. Thanks to my efforts, I have finally raised the phenomenon of farting from the scope of common sense to a broader field of knowledge. I think, although I cannot further research, but stop here , I should still be proud of my work. Since the preface to this treatise is published in a novel, I hope critics will not misinterpret it, and I hereby state that, first of all, it has nothing to do with literature, but with my personal experience, as much as Newton My theory of gravitation is as relevant as the apples he saw falling from the tree, and my experience represents my experience, and my thesis represents my thesis, not a text and a critical blueprint. Metaphor, if someone understands it that way, it will make me feel very far-fetched-fart in the event I am talking about, it is not about the author, the critic, nor the text, nor is it about the reader. In this article, I don't want to reduce a scientific paper to the level of literary criticism, let alone use nonsense metaphors for literary criticism, which sadly happened to the British writer David.Sadly, Lodge, whose self-satisfied critique of literature and striptease expressed in "It's a Small World" is vulgar, grandstanding, disgusting, and has always been despised by my serious academic generation. Hereby declare. 271 When I am writing wildly, I think I must be very immodest, or I will become a person who writes to win the favor of others. In that case, some people will say that I am kitsch, and thus do not respect my creation. In their eyes, I am not a maverick writer, and I don’t want to be underestimated so much. Therefore, I am not flattering, not vulgar, and I don’t follow the unique habits of the Chinese people, saying “Xiaoke is ignorant and ignorant.” Ignorant, I dared to fight the rats, and presented a chapter of cheap articles, I am grateful to you, and I hope that the officials can see clearly." As a concluding remark, even if it is purely polite, I will not spend pen and ink on it. Maybe I will do so. There is a chance to arouse people's disgust towards me, and when they are disgusted, they will respect Dunsheng. In that case, wouldn't I just copy it? Of course, all this is a joke. 272 And it's not a joke, it's a period of empty days after Buzzing left. After the Spring Festival, I started a career as a salesman. The difficulty of this kind of career is that the things I sell are different. I mean, myself, of course, I am talking about my own qualifications as a director. 273 Perhaps there are only two professions in the world that need to sell themselves, and that is politicians and directors. What both have in common is that they both need a particularly brazen energy and an eloquence that is good at talking nonsense. I only know from the biographies of the directors how the directors in the world cheated the right to shoot the first film. Of course, they are all foreign directors. As for the Chinese directors, I don’t know. From what I know about the directors, it seems that Many people have worked in various industries and finally entered the film academy. Of course, there are also some who pay some money to go to self-financed classes, and some are just like me, self-taught, self-taught the tricks of directing I didn't put in much effort. If I say that in order to be a director, I paid to go to the film school to listen to the nonsense of those teachers. , I have already taken their classes, and to be honest, they have to be grateful that the TV has no dialogue function, otherwise, it would be strange if they didn't coax them into it when I was teaching, and, funny to say, the film school Graduates also have a bad habit, that is, they like to speak ill of their teachers. The reason for this may be that they were deceived by the teachers when they were in school, so they became very annoyed after graduation, so they added fuel to the fire to kill the teachers. I walked around in the circle, so I heard a lot of those bad things, and of course I missed more, but even if I threw away those hearsay lies, there was still a chance to watch the movies made by the teachers of the film school. The embarrassment for teachers is that the films they make are so inappropriate for teachers, I mean, I really don't believe film school teachers can be honest enough to teach students about their own failures in every class. Because it seems difficult to say these words: "Students, I made a movie and found it was rubbish after I finished it, but because I teach film, they believed that I could make it well, so they gave me money, and I also I shot blindly, and after I finished it, I found that it was not covered, and it was still rubbish. In order to make a high-quality film, I made another one, and found it was still rubbish. At this point, I came to the conclusion that it is difficult to make a good movie, so well, You all have to study hard in the future, don’t be like me, you can only stay in the film school as a teacher in the future, the feeling of being a teacher is not very good, because there will always be opportunities to watch your students become famous, and go to the society to make shameless performances , earn a lot of money and beautiful women, but don't give these things to the teacher, so that the teacher can't laugh at it, so he can only be greedy and swallow his saliva into his throat--it's not the teacher complaining, but the fact that Let’s not gossip, now, we’re starting class, I think we’d better start by analyzing the failures of my three films, and I’ll tell you how I made the whole film without pretending to understand , and then, I will tell you about the 8 films made by Tarkovsky. These 8 films are considered excellent. To be honest, I really can’t understand them. Of course, you are so young, it is even more impossible to understand them. The Tarkovsky family has produced many artists. They understand music, painting and literature, and can read French works. None of us can compare, because we are not good at foreign languages, so we can only watch movies with subtitles. Although the subtitles are full of mistakes, it’s better than nothing. In short, everything has to be dealt with, and that’s all there is to learning film. I hope everyone will work harder in the film room in the future. I just hope that your parents, relatives and friends are either wealthy or the head of the studio, otherwise, you don't want to take advantage of any loopholes to make movies. " In my opinion, it’s fine if I don’t listen to this kind of complaining class. Of course, there is something worse, that is, pretending to understand nonsense. Apart from these two classes, what else can I listen to when I go there for nothing? 274 So, I decided that since the script was written and written, of course the film had to be shot. Instead of letting others mess up the filming, it would be better to do it myself, which would be much more enjoyable. Just do what I said, I bought half a box of printing paper, typed up seven or eight copies of my script, wrote a director's statement, talked about my shooting intentions, attached it to the front of the script, and distributed it to everyone I know. The production company, then, I had nothing to do and sat at home waiting for the letter, which was literally creating an opportunity for the void. 275 Of course, the emptiness did come. For a while, I was so empty, in fact, I had nothing to do, and I even forgot about writing famous books. Then the emptiness disappears and I'm back in the world, financially constrained to stay indoors and look like I'm retiring, of course, if I can pay the bills or develop a sense of well-being. Xiceng’s hobby, I am very willing to go out, but unfortunately, I haven’t had time to develop the good habits of these artists, so I can only stare at the phone all day long, hoping that the phone will ring soon and tell me that someone is in a hurry. My script fee and director fee were sent in full. In fact, within a few days, my phone really kept ringing, and I started to meet various producers as a director, which taught me how powerful many producers are. The producers I've met fall into two categories. One type is those who have money and spend all day looking for good scripts. This kind of producers are somewhat reliable, but they are especially superstitious about directors who have filmed films, even if the films filmed by this director have never been successful. I also want to believe it, and when I heard that I hadn’t even attended a film school, I shook my head again and again, just like those directors who have filmed movies, they were born with a roll of their own works around their necks, which makes me feel strange Yes, they don’t think about it either, everyone starts from the first film, besides, the producer never chatted with me about the film, they only talked about how to organize the crew, how to save money, and asked me to talk It took me a long time to realize that filming was simply a business. I've had a hard time with these kinds of producers, many of them are only interested in my script, not in me filming it, and they use other directors' second creations to convince me to hand over the script and go away People, it seems that they will let go of their hearts after one more hand in filming. I don't want to distort my work by the second creation. Experience has taught me how irrelevant this second creation is to my original intention. ，当然，他们也用别的东西说服我，比如，加价买剧本，比如，让我当一个副导演，或是联合执导，还有人竟同意让我当导演，条件是，在我这个导演上面再加一个总导演，也不怕人笑话。 另一类制片人号称能弄到钱，可手头暂时没有，号称野鸡制片人，这类制片人倒是对我挺热情，他们想用我的剧本去找来钱再说别的，很明显，与这类制片人谈拍摄纯粹是耽误工夫，可气的是，正是这类制片人最难识破，谈来谈去恨不能我都以为第二天就能喊开拍了，这才发现，原来对方是个空手道。 慢慢地，我把精力集中在第一类制片人身上，甚至省出牙缝里的钱飞了一趟上海，又飞了一趟广州，事后深深地后悔，我一心想当导演就够固执的了，没想到有钱的制片人比我还固执，坚决不让我拍摄，而只想买我的剧本，到后来，这件事简直成了对我的侮辱，因为这分明在说，你写你的剧本不就完了，干嘛还想自己拍呢，这不是说我在无理取闹嘛！ 为了免受侮辱，越往后，我越不愿见制片人，加上穷上加穷，真想把剧本卖了算了，但事到如今，剧本我也无法卖了，因为我四处嚷嚷着要拍戏，弄得人尽皆知，要是过后摇身一变，突然变回一个导演未遂的编剧，那也太惨了。 因此，我只好自己扛着这件事，与各种制片人打着绝望的持久战，慢慢地，这件事成了我的心病，加上我那些幸灾乐祸的朋友们打电话都直接管我叫导演，真叫我觉得面上无光，一种灰溜溜的感觉频繁地油然而生。 276 那一段，我的心情十分不好，99年夏季来临，我的心情变本加厉地不好，我感到自己变成一只落水狗，落进了拍戏未遂的污水里，出门转一转，从反光的大玻璃上看到自己，也感到自己像个拍戏未遂的现行犯，真想叫什么人把我送上法庭。 讨厌的是，这件事一直拖到现在还未解决，真没想到，就是豁出去了想干件哗众取宠的事都那么难。 277 私下里，我把在世上遇到的一切全部归结于一件事，那就是我的存在。 提到存在，提到存在的厌烦与空虚，我可就颓了，因为，这涉及痛苦。 278 关于痛苦，我听到的够多了，关于存在，我听到的也够多了，关于存在即痛苦，我听到的就更多了，这种盈盈于耳的声音究竟要告诉我些什么呢？ 是的，我与叔本华一同同意世上有痛苦这回事，我也同意叔本华的悲观，我认为他有道理，我相信，面对痛苦所产生的悲观十分令人同情，我甚至相信，悲观是一条通向虚无的光明大道。 但是，但是――作为无法摆脱的痛苦，我认为，其意义正在于无法摆脱，除此以外，没有更多意义，甚至，我一听到有人说要摆脱痛苦就忍不住发出冷笑，在我看来，痛苦是我的影子，它因我的存在而存在，青春不再、壮志未酬、疾病、失去信仰等等都能把痛苦装在盘子里端到我面前，所有这一切，都因我的存在而发，都会带给我无尽的痛苦，如果试图通过存在本身来摆脱，显然是犯了一个逻辑上的错误，因为一个事物是无法摆脱其自身的，我相信，一个事物，除了极力保持其存在以外，没有别的性质，面对痛苦，我无限畏惧，却又止不住地左思右想，试图得出结论。在我看来，似乎只有死亡才能中断一切，使人超越存在，飞翔到虚无中去，那里是我灵魂所向往的暗夜，我可以在其中不担惊受怕地长眠不醒。 至于那些所谓达观的人生啦，什么不以物喜不以己悲啦，什么快乐啦，什么颠狂啦，一边儿去吧！全是自作聪明，自欺欺人！我才不会相信这些胡言乱语。 279 我要说，关于存在的痛苦，无法表达，不可言说，十分抽象，却又如影随形，挥之不去。 我要说，我的存在就是我感到我个人活在世间这件事。就是我的存在与外界的存在这件事。 我还要说，我无法弄清我的存在这件事，我不知我的起因，我的目的，这让我十分苦恼，尽管这种苦恼初看起来肤浅而空洞，奇怪的是，我博览群书，竟没有人对此有过任何有效的解释。人类在此问题上的浅尝辄止，令我十分不满，那些解释东拉西扯，云山雾罩，不着边际。那些解释如同一个问题的后面出现的不是答案，而是更多的问题――这是一个令人难以接受的事实，因为在我看来，万事万物由此而起，不幸的是，作为一切的基础，存在，这件事就如同数学上的无穷一样，叫人一想到便如坠五里雾中。 但是，它却对我的生活有所影响，我不能不想到它，我存在着，就不能不想存在这件事，设想，如果我不存在，如果我不是做为一个意识而存在，如果我对自己的存在一无感觉，一无知觉，如果我的存在直接面对的不是虚无，如果我――那么，一切都该是多么地美好。 280 比如，某天早晨，一觉醒来，我又一次得知自己存在，顿时，我感到自己头上长角，身上长刺，无父无母，无法无天，我想哭出声来，但无法做到，我无奈又无力地平躺在床上，任凭空间打造、时光宰割，毫无还手之力，我感到自己裹着一身肥肉，脸上挂着逆来顺受的神态，步履蹒跚地走向世界尽头，然后坠入最黑暗的深渊。 我努力从这种想法中摆脱出来，从床上坐起，与此同时，一股突如其来的压抑感直顶到喉头，我努力地想着，想着，想着我的存在，我为我的存在感到不解与悲哀，我感到自己多余地在这个世界上呼吸着，完全没有任何意义，我变成一粒尘埃也没有意义，我变成一块钻石、变成一只苍蝇也一样没有意义，我境遇改善了也没有意义，有人爱我也没有意义，有人蔑视我也没有意义，我的烦恼与痛苦一钱不值，我知道，我已大难临头，无须解释，刚一醒来，我便被虚无彻底俘获，我挣扎叫喊或是忍气吞声也一样，我是宇宙间漫无目的原子，我变形为天使，变形为一头小叫驴，我再变，我一刻不停地变了又变，但没有用，我仍坐于床上，面对虚无，无任何反击之力，我张口结舌，四肢僵硬，目瞪口呆，毫无办法，我起身下床，走进厨房，靠在洗碗池上发了一会呆，然后目光落在一瓶前天买的ＪＢ上，我打开酒瓶，从洗碗池中捞出一只玻璃杯，用水冲了冲，然后把酒倒了进去，透明的威士忌在我眼前发出一股纯净的酒味，我吸一口气，空腹把一满杯酒一饮而尽，片刻，我感一条火龙从舌头直窜到腹中，我回身想关上水龙头，就在这一刻，我的身体忽然摆脱了我的控制，我浑身一软，瘫在地上。 我感到自己发着烧，头晕目眩，尽管事已至此，我仍然无法忘记自己存在于人世间这件事，我拍着自己的额头安慰自己，我说我既已存在，必有目的，但是，是谁令我存在而不遁入虚无呢？我想着这个问题，我的头脑转得很慢，但仍在转动，我感到恶心，乏力，睁眼闭眼间天昏地暗，与此同时，我锈迹斑斑的头脑仍旧转动，对我的身体发出指令，我站起来，走出厨房，打开单元门，扶着楼梯，下了楼，又挪动几步，看到了刺眼的阳光，我双眼望向初升不久色泽明快的太阳，双臂伸向空中，我想喊出一声，却眼前一黑，失去知觉。