Chapter 11 201-220

201 I give my deepest disgust to those guys who only want to understand human beings, they will just sit on the edge of the long river of history and look at themselves, like a bitter woman looking at herself in the mirror, and have no interest in anything else, in fact, no one To know something exactly, it is almost impossible to know yourself, let alone others. Everyone has gone a long way on the road of subjective paranoia. I think that in the universe, even a bunch of particles is clearer than people , concise, noble, and natural, because people are things that never forget themselves. People always focus on the chaotic and unclear self, and immerse themselves in the endless self. "It's outright selfishness and arrogance, and it's disgusting looking-in-the-mirror fans. There are quite a few writers who are famous for this. It seems difficult not to learn from them.

202 There is another thing to talk about about sobriety, which, of course, is off topic. That is Lu Xun's sobriety and Gu Hongming's sobriety. In my opinion, both Lu Xun and Gu Hongming have one thing in common in their sobriety, that is, the catastrophic prediction of the future. For Lu Xun, a revolutionist, the whistleblower and accuser of the "cannibalism" society, "reforming national character" is the job he found for himself. What is the essence of his job?That is to tell the Chinese people how hopeless the tradition of this nation is, how many problems there are, and how difficult the future will be if they go on the road with these problems. How much this nation hates iron and steel, and hopes that it will become better, become resolute, brave, and tenacious. He is trying to forge a new national character to adapt to the more difficult social development in the future.

On the contrary, for Gu Hongming, a nationalist and an advocate of the old Chinese order, it is a matter of long-term significance to preserve China's unique national landscape in the world, no matter what problems this nation has , but first of all, for the whole nation, that is the moral belief, all his actions and speeches, no matter how absurd they sound, are all carried out around this matter, he wants the Chinese people to think that they are good He is perfect, kind, and sincere. He wants to make the Chinese people have confidence in himself. To achieve this goal, he does not hesitate to use methods such as being competitive, sophistry, and provoking academic disputes. As an old-fashioned Chinese intellectual, A conservative, a fighter, he is fighting for national self-esteem, his weapons are very simple - China's peculiar political and cultural traditions that have lasted for thousands of years.

Here, who is more sober, Lu Xun or Gu Hongming? Undoubtedly, in the eyes of many people, Gu Hongming is naive, ridiculous, simple, and at the same time, subjective and wishful thinking, while Lu Xun is practical, heavy, complicated, and at the same time, objective and wily. Yes, it seems that the two are difficult to compare, but what about the actual situation? In my opinion, Lu Xun's sobriety, call and anger are centered around a deep sense of national inferiority complex and shame. His remarks on national inferiority are intended to sting the self-esteem of the Chinese people and change it. The image that is still running at the end is the image of a participant, named "Chinese Backbone". No matter active or passive, this image aims to emphasize participation. Therefore, this spine is very charming in my eyes. Suspicion, because in my eyes, participation itself is the recognition of one thing in terms of effect, that is to say, under fair conditions, this backbone is full of envy for other civilizations in the world, so it does not hesitate to compete. And when other civilizations emerge in the form of hegemony, this backbone becomes hostile again.As for Gu Hongming, who talks about "fame and righteousness", this is not a problem at all. No matter what the reason is, Gu Hongming has shown full national self-confidence. Without any proof, he believes that everything in China, such as the way of life, Institutions, national character, etc. have indisputable value in the world, even as a "bad specimen" according to Western value standards, his self-esteem has an indescribable aversion to participation, and he Rather, he is afraid that China, a living example that is unique through the ages, will be distorted into something else in the world. He fears that China will be changed, just like he fears that an ancient city that is accused of being dirty and backward will be transformed into a modern city that does not look like four. He has a cosmopolitan vision and courage, and his unsnobbish attitude of "not moving forward, not making progress, not envious, and not caring" is very remarkable. For the Chinese, Gu Hongming is the last detached thing On the outside, his joy and worry are very innocent and lovely, showing an amazing sense of superiority over those flatterers who want to be recognized by other cultures and bow to hegemony. Air-to-air comparison of Eastern and Western cultures in terms of personal tastes - I think Gu Hongming is the kind of person who will not receive any "Nobel Prize", he will even doubt and laugh at the qualifications of those award recipients, and he will not Participate in a game that must be lost, because it is meaningless. In his eyes, a person, or a nation, should at least respect his own existence. If he does well, he does not need others' praise, and if he does not do well, he does not need others' criticism. ——This is a kind of true maverick. In my eyes, it is a kind of sobriety of personal personality. Compared with Lu Xun, this sobriety is more valuable.

Regrettably, China's national self-esteem seems to have disappeared long ago. Facing the critic Lu Xun, the Chinese people showed sincere gratitude, just like a child is grateful for the well-meaning criticism of his parents. In the end, insults such as "motivated and shameless" are interpreted as "good to them and kind", but if you say, "It's good for you to do this, just hang out like this", on the contrary, it is interpreted as "no good to the children". Caring, letting go", this is really a strange phenomenon!It made me think that Chinese people who believe that "a good medicine is good for the disease" may be born with this kind of self-deprecating mentality. What I hate about Lu Xun is that he is the kind of person who not only tears off someone's face, but also slaps him. The person who slapped them, before they could react, flew out some hidden weapons such as "daggers and guns", and then shouted "beat the dog in the water", which attracted some mobs to do the same thing. I have to say, this kind of The lack of sympathy is very cruel, and it will make a weak person with inferiority complex more pitiful. This kind of practice is incompatible with a person like me who has a little humanitarian concept. No wonder the modern writer Wang Shuo has an indescribable aversion to him!Wang Shuo's own reasons are far-fetched, but I believe that his self-esteem does not allow him to agree with some of Lu Xun's remarks.

On the topic of sobriety, stop here. 203 Yes, I can't talk about sobriety anymore, I'm very sober, my life is not sober, my life is meaningless in a world full of illusions, but I still have a life, which means I still have a chance Goof off. Facing life as an illusion requires a complete passion. This is a true ecstasy. Only in this way can life be tasted as a feast. This is a party not to be easily missed. Here, disgust Is the main course, the pain is the table wine, and the boredom is the bread that must be eaten every meal. I have no other way to change this kind of life. I can only eat everything in my life with pride until I become fat Big ears, mouth full of oil, at most starved to death, otherwise, I will stand by the side, either serve food and wash dishes, run in and out, or be so greedy, starving, dizzy, skinny, and finally starved to death It's okay, I know that no matter where I am at this party, I will always dance in a dangerous situation. I know that my dancing skills are not outstanding, but I still have to dance to the end, and I can't do anything. To change my sloppiness, I want to be "here", this is the foothold of my life, I don't want to stay away from the sharp contradictions of life at the age of 31 and be left alone - my readers, you know, I'm with you at this accidental party, sharing this ill-fated meal, I'm sitting in the other corner, my share is as unpalatable as yours, and I'm just as disgusting as yours Eat extravagantly, survive one discouraging difficulty after another, you and I are familiar with the indifference and evil of human nature, for our own sake, we spare no effort to carnival at parties, and firmly abide by the principle of selfishness, At this point, it can be said that the rich life in front of us is jointly created by you and me. We cherish our creations very much. We all know that apart from this, there is no more colorful life content in life.

204 But in the face of those shameless people, snobs, wicked and bad people, it is useless to say anything. In order to have a drink with them, I must make achievements in their field until I am more "evil" than them. good at. 205 This is a touching story about "misfortune", it will live in my memory, and one day, I will try to talk about it with a smile on my face, like talking about old things, after all, this mess belongs to me , I have nothing but them, so I have to be more attached to them and take good care of them. 206 So, I became the kind of person who scolded myself while writing. Of course, my friends also helped me scold. I am always grateful to them. This shameless work made me feel very embarrassed, and a kind of shameful pride stirred up all over me. This is the source of my creation, and at the same time, it is also the poison that makes me confused.

207 However, there is another poison, which is the buzz, my poison, the poison I took without knowing it, my angel, the succulent angel, the human angel, what makes me What went away from you? I think it's fantasy. 208 This answer is very ridiculous, but for me, it is the only answer that is close to objective. To clarify this point, I have to waste a lot of saliva. It seems that through writing, people can easily become "talkative". As far as my level is concerned, I have to talk enough to get closer to the truth. This is like a lottery. , sometimes, if you are lucky, you can win the lottery by touching only a few cards, but more often, you have to rely on the calculation of the probability to understand the situation. I don't know which point I mentioned should be discussed, it must be Indispensable, and which point is superfluous, I can only guess, hoarse, I can only say it again and again, yes, tell it again and again!

209 To be honest, I am still waiting for a face, a face that satisfies me completely and is basically satisfied with me, a girl's face, I waited for that face naively, in vain, wishful thinking and absurdly, hoping The beautiful girls who threw themselves at me came quietly, although when I was sober, I didn't believe that this thing would happen, but this didn't prevent me from thinking wildly. I would give hints or brazen bruises to any girl who came, and then be defeated when she refused, and privately I decided that I was only of the nature to seduce unknown girls, or to commit adultery with passionate sluts.

I thought that the girl's face portrayed my emotional longing for other people's emotions, not the other way around. Maybe, that's another self, maybe not, I can't tell. What's more annoying is that the face is not clear. This conclusion has something to do with the analysis of a dream I had, after I taught myself Freud. For a while, I began to have a dream, dreaming of a fourteen or fifteen-year-old girl, wearing a red dress, riding a bicycle, walking freely through a crowded street, her lines are so graceful, The movement of riding a bicycle is so dexterous, the bicycle, as an extension of her body, is completely under her control, it seems handy, and my point of view is so changeable, just like a commercial, in this commercial, all Everything is black and white, only the little girl has color.

One thing is very strange, that is, no matter how I searched, I just couldn't see the little girl's face clearly. Part of her face was blocked by other people or scenery, or it was blocked by her own arm or hair. It was so coincidental, and so perfect, I saw the little girl's eyes, nose, eyebrows, lips and ears, but I couldn't see the whole face. I was too busy in my dream, not trying to see the girl The whole of the face is tenaciously pieced together, trying to get that face out. Secretly, I even think that the little girl is the old man himself.Anyway, that dream made me remember it when I woke up, and, when I remembered it, it made me very annoyed. What's annoying is that I had this dream for three consecutive days after it first appeared. In the end, the trajectory of the little girl dazzled me, and the endless rotation of the bicycle wheel finally made me dizzy. From then on, this dream The dream has been bothering me for about 10 years. Of course, I have been working hard to get rid of this dream. One plan fails, and another plan is in vain. To this day, this dream still breaks into my sleep from time to time. I can't analyze anything, but I really want to give it to Freud to see if it bothers him to have a broken dream! 210 It was a less obvious and more incomprehensible digression, which, strangely enough, had an effect on my actions in real life, where I was neither tired nor uncommonly aware of the buzzing. The urgent need for a new one, on the contrary, I was a little careless, thinking that it would be better if she walked away, and then it would be okay if she wanted to hang out together. In short, for me, I have never had a good idea about this matter, so I I broke up with her several times without success. I think I irritated her several times. She doesn't understand my attitude towards her, but she knows that I like flirting and never reject attractive girls. The funny thing is, In the long 3 years I was with her, I never got another girl, I did have a few chances, but lost them because of too much hesitation. 211 Generally speaking, in most cases, women are just a vague symbol in my eyes. I never try to approach them in every way, on the contrary, I only see in them the illusion I imagined for them , my love for them is mysterious, once they do not conform to the image in my heart, I lose interest in them, I am like the river in Wilde's fairy tales, on the surface objectively reflecting others, but in fact only from others See yourself in the eyes. Casually mentioning Wilde in immorality, I still think his most beautiful work is his fairy tale "The Happy Prince", which is his wonderful metaphor about himself, but unfortunately, there are very few people in the world who can appreciate his metaphor. 212 What can I say about buzz? Although she is sensible, maybe she knows more than I imagined, but she certainly doesn't have as much as she imagined. In fact, I was writing a script at the time, imagining that one day I would shoot the script I wrote, and more imaginatively. Yes, I will meet a lot of girls through filming, and then I will have the opportunity to live a life full of eroticism and pornography. I don’t want to say to Hum at that time: Sister, I’m going forward boldly, how cool are you Where to stay, I haven't practiced that kind of ruthless posture, and because I still remember how much trouble I got when the girl who found another new love dumped me, I don't want this kind of experience It also fell on Om, adding the same blockage to her life. Therefore, I decided to say ugly words, bad words, ugly words, and shameless words in advance. 213 Not only that, I have said it over and over again. 214 It was catastrophic scene after scene. Moreover, there were signs that the fake show was actually done later. 215 Maybe, when you become a director, you will get a girl. I say this based on the reality I have seen. Or maybe it is a superstition that you can get a girl when you are a director. I say this based on another reality. It is possible to get many girls because of becoming a famous director. Not only in China, but almost all famous directors around the world have a history of promiscuity. Of course, in the mouth of famous directors, this is usually said like this: "I have a few marriages that are not very successful. .” To me, that statement means: “I’ve had many more successful adulteries or seductions.” But then again, what about the no-name directors? I made a mistake on this, I think I didn't think about them at all at the time, and then it dawned on me that if you want promiscuous sex, why not a director?If you are famous or successful, you can have promiscuity?I know this! 216 The strange thing is that I didn't think of this at the time. I just thought that after I finished writing the script, I would make a film. Once it was shot, there would be girls. Once there were girls, I couldn't resist the temptation. Will take the initiative to seduce, of course, at this time, it will hurt Buzz, and make her distrust people from now on. Like what I have experienced, I think that no matter how hard life is, I can’t stand faith. With faith, life It would be much easier, this point is evidenced by my most ignorant youth, forget it, I will not talk about how much life I had at that time, it will make me sad, and, always say so Talking and going are enough. Does it sound convincing to say that I decided not to associate with Buzz because of a good premonition of an immoral life? 217 The fact that I broke up with her too soon, that is, hurt her too soon, had the unintended effect of confusing her too soon, because, I thought, there was simply nothing I broke up with her because of the reason, which was not convincing. In order to strengthen the persuasion, I didn't do it, and I didn't stop, and I simply seduced her classmates. What makes people laugh and cry is that I also showed the same indifference in this matter. When I was with a group of people, I once called a classmate of hers. She is a fan of complaining and is good at talking about her What happened to her made everyone who listened to her think that there was an opportunity, including me. On the phone, she promised to come and play with us, but an hour later, when I wanted to call her to ask when she was leaving, she turned off the phone. phone. The first time you seduce, it's over. After I told Buzz, she was so angry that she even kicked a big hole in my closet door. Afterwards, we bought a collage together. Come and plug that big hole. The painting is called "The Birth of Venus" and it was painted by the Florentine painter Botticelli. In the painting, Venus is naked, standing on a shell, with a confused expression, and very shy—true enough Yes, if you're really shy, why don't you just jump into the sea and just show your head?Of course, you can’t be too serious about classical paintings, just look at them casually. In order to make you look interesting, classical painters have really worked hard. You see, in order to show that Navis is very shy, Botticelli also painted her. One of the hands is used to cover the breasts, but the other breast is exposed. Generally speaking, the size and shape of the two breasts of girls are basically the same, so blocking one of them seems to be just a trick. , the purpose is to let you look at the other one more carefully, and as long as you see one clearly, no matter how stupid you are, you can guess the appearance of the other one, so that you don't know which one to look at when both are exposed.In the painting, Venus's other hand grabs her long golden curly hair to cover her genitals. I don't know why she has white pubic hairs?On the side of the painting, the flying spring god is giving her clothes, but in my opinion, this is superfluous. Isn’t Venus good at making love with the spirit instead of relying on the body?According to my guess, what the wily Botticelli is showing in this painting is another thing, that is, the clothes that are flying towards him are trying to cover up the nude of Venus, so as to cause the audience to take a last look. Feeling urgent, in fact, Lao Bo is very clear that the audience can not only see it for the last time, but also see it for a long time. This is not a movie, and the naked body can be covered in the blink of an eye. Because there is a pause button on the video recorder or VCD player of the audience, once you press it, it will freeze the frame for you, no matter how fast you put on clothes, it is useless.Alas, compared to the adult films supported by modern technology, those classical painters are really tiring. 218 Of course, if it is more tired, then I believe that modern people are no less than ancient people. Although Greek mythology is rich, at least its gods are in line with nature, and there are not so many unhealthy problems. For example, there is no big tired god in it. And it is rare to miss him in modern mythology. I have a reason for saying this. After I told Buzz that I tried to ask her classmates out to play, the trouble came, she first pretended not to care, got my words out, and then suddenly changed her face and was in a hurry with me, it can be said that she was lying Jiao and I are in a hurry, which makes me don't know what to do. She grabs my ear with one hand to prevent me from slipping away, and the fingers of the other hand move up and down, constantly calculating how I will fuck behind her back. I asked a few of her classmates, and she asked them one by one until I memorized her classmates' names backwards. The problem is, I am not the kind of iceberg type person, but a bamboo tube pouring beans, and I didn't say anything to her. Concealing something, but I can't, Buzzing is persistent, I have to make up nonsense to make her believe it is true, she will cry and laugh, shout loudly, talk softly, thunderously, and be seductive, I said To tell the truth, she didn't believe it, and she was anxious when I told a lie. I hid in a room, and she followed me. I ran to another room, and she still chased me. Find the key, open the door, I sleep on the sofa, she sleeps on the ground next to me, I sleep on the bed, she is on top of me, I make a bed in the study, she throws slippers on me, I had nowhere to hide, nowhere to hide, and almost had a mental breakdown. Of course, this situation will happen many times in the future. I think I should attach our typical conversation below, so as not to waste more words later. 219 "Old monster, tell me, who did you call?" "No." "Wrong!" "What do you mean?" "Who did you call? Tell me, tell me, don't lie to me, I Promise not to be angry." "Can you promise?" "I promise." "Are you really not angry?" "No." "I haven't called anyone." "Then how do they say you did ?" "Who said that?" "Don't worry about it." "I haven't called." "You have." "Well, I have." "Who?" "Liu Yang." With a "slap", a slap fell on my head. "Why are you so shameless?" "Look, you said you wouldn't be angry, why would you hit me if you weren't angry?" ""I'm not in a hurry, Boss." "I'm going to sleep." "Don't sleep." "I'm sleepy." "Don't sleep." I covered my head with the quilt, but the quilt was pulled away by the buzzing . "You answer my question before going to sleep, just one question." "Really?" "Really." "You let me sleep after I finish talking?" Don't be angry." "Then you ask." "How many times did you call Liu Yang?" "One." "Wrong!" "Two." "Liar!" "I didn't lie." "Then you say What did you say?" "Didn't say anything." "Old monster, tell me, what did you say?" "It's all nonsense, I can't remember." "Think about it." "I don't think so. Get up." "Think again." "I forgot." "Why did you call?" "Didn't you ask a question." "Just this one." "Which one?" "Why did you call her? ""We had dinner together, and they wanted to call the girl, so everyone called the girl separately." "Then why are you looking for Liu Yang?" "I think she is very lively and fun." "Dang" With a sound, I was hit hard on the leg again. "Why did you hit me again?" "I won't hit me anymore, I'll rub it for you." "No need." "Tell me, do you like Liu Yang?" "Okay." With a "pop", my stomach I got hit again. "Why did you hit someone again?" "I was wrong, I won't hit you, old monster." "Then you stay away for a while, I'm going to sleep." "No, you haven't finished answering my question yet." The problem." "What's the problem?" "You like Liu Yang, don't you?" "No." "Then why did you call her?" "What's wrong with me calling the girl?" "Why did you call her alone?" My classmate?" "I don't know any other girl." "Where is the girl you know?" "I've been with you for a while, and they've all been lost." "Liar!" "I didn't lie to you ""You really didn't lie to me?""No.""Nonsense!""No nonsense.""Then let me ask you, what do you think of Liu Yang?""Didn't I say that?""Say it again. ""I think she's okay." With a "snap", I got another blow on the forehead: "What can she do? Where can she do it?" I sat up and walked to the study room. Just as I sat down, Buzz came over and sat on my lap. "Old monster, don't ignore me, talk to me." She shook me. "What are you talking about?" "Do you want to talk to me?" "You hit me all the time, and you hit me whenever I talk to you." Talk, don't be rude." "Okay." "So what do you want me to say?" "I don't know." "Then stop." "You just don't want to talk to me!" "I didn't."" You have." "I don't." "You do. If it were Liu Yang, you might speak more vigorously, and your tongue would cramp." "I don't." "You just have." "I ignore you It's gone." I picked up a book and glanced at it, but suddenly she snatched the book and threw it aside. "Answer the question!" "What question?" "I ask you, why do you always hang around the girls in our class?" "Who hangs around them?" "You." "I didn't." "You There is—you can embarrass me." She tapped my forehead vigorously with her fingers. "I am ashamed of the person who lost me, so why am I ashamed of you?" Don't be unhappy." "I'm unhappy, I'm unhappy." She curled her lips and began to cry, the more she cried, the more sad she became. "Don't cry." "Cry as long as you want, don't worry about it." "You stay here for a while." "You seduce my classmates behind my back, am I doing well? Am I staying well!" She I cried even more vigorously. 220 I hate to see Buzzing cry the most. When she started crying, big drops of tears poured out of her eyes, and she even wiped them with her little hands, looking very pitiful. I would often put my arms around her and she would stream tears down my face.