Chapter 12 221-240

221 This is what happened during our early quarrels. This kind of situation happened in September and October of 1998. After the quarrel, there will be a period of calm. I will still pick her up and she will still sit in her TV seat. On the Internet, I still love to eat the meals I cook, and I still love to chat with me. But the good days won't last long, and after a while, I will persuade her not to hang out with me anymore, let her hang out with her classmates more, and don't stay with me all day long, I tell her, I'm not that kind People who lead a stable life, "If you want someone to accompany you all day, then you should find a new boyfriend." Can't hear this sentence!

"I take care of my own affairs, and I don't need you to arrange them. Do you think that I am not pleasing to you here, and you are afraid that I will delay you, and you want to drive me away?" After she got angry, she would always say this to me. 222 Then, she would ignore me and walk into an empty room alone. Sometimes, she would cry alone. Seeing her crying sadly made my hard-hearted heart unbearable. I pushed her, and she would kick her legs hard to show that she would not talk to me, so I closed the door and went to another room, but the image of her misfortune It made me restless, sometimes, her crying came instantly, which made my heart feel like a knife, a kind of ruthless self-blame accompanied by tenderness for her, I opened the door and took a look, she was still crying , this aggravated my uneasiness, and I almost changed my mind, but the thought that my torment to her would still happen in the future made me wish I could stay out of it immediately, I closed the door, went back outside, sat on the sofa, I couldn't help being upset, I listened carefully, the crying was vague, but it still didn't stop, I lit a cigarette, took a deep breath, and I was really sitting on pins and needles!

223 In this kind of life, my script is still in progress, I throw away the first 5 episodes that I wrote wrongly, and start from scratch, episode after episode, when the script can't be written, I go back and write my famous book , in short, I am immersed in me, humming and my troubles, and I can hardly extricate myself. I no longer think about whether I should write a masterpiece, whether I should go out to shame people, and so on. I only think about how to start from the present In this trap, there are me and buzzing. I know that as long as this continues, I will continue to hurt her.

Of course, there are also things that occasionally interrupt my damage to Humong. As I expected, this can only be Lao Wei. 224 When the familiar doorbell rang again, I was cooking in the kitchen, so I called Humong to open the door, and it was Lao Wei who came in, holding a case of Tsingtao beer and two bottles of French red wine in his arms, and squeezed through the door with great difficulty. He said that I also knew that Lu Xiaoqing fired him. 225 As for how it happened, Lao Wei didn't go into details, and we didn't listen too closely to what he said. In short, we thought he was not promising enough, and there was no hope of following him, so the three of us sat around under the lamp, Let’s drink the wine brought by Lao Wei together. Of course, music is indispensable. This time, we specialize in Western operas, starting with Mozart. Of course, it is difficult for Lao Wei to hear anything from the operas he wrote in his teens. So, We listened to Mozart's works after the age of 20, and the most popular old tunes "The Marriage of Figaro", "Don Juan", and the particularly beautiful "Magic Flute" composed in 1791, and also listened to "The Seduction of the Harem". For a week, Lao Wei was moved by Mozart. He drank the beer in the can while listening to it, and waited for the opportunity to feel the humming. From then on, he was like carrying a bullet box. Carry crates of beer to me, sometimes drunk, sometimes half-drunk, and we listen to Rossini's "The Barber of Seville," Bellini's "Sleepwalking Girl," and the dizzy "Norma", Weber's "Free Shooter" was listened to three times at Lao Wei's request, and he even joined the chorus in a foreign language invented by himself. In addition, Lao Wei also liked to listen to Thomas' "Mignon", and When it’s Bizet’s turn that Nietzsche loves to listen to, Hum even wants to go to Spain to learn flamenco dancing. Verdi’s and "Aida" are very suitable for a kind of homemade earthy cocktail, red wine and Sprite. Ice cubes and lemons, often the end of the song, the three of us drinking flushed, breathing quickened, Tchaikovsky's "Queen of Spades" is disgusting, Rimsky-Korsakov's "The Tsar's Bride" "Noisy, Puccini's "Madame Butterfly" is very affectionate, while his nonsense "Turandot" is disgusting, Offenbach's "Beautiful Helen" makes people sigh, and Stella Vinsky's is unsettling, Berg's "Wozzeck" seems very profound, and Orff's "Clever Girl" is very smooth and melodious. For a month in a row, the three of us were immersed in opera and alcohol I was so exhausted that it was groundless to say that Western opera art had no influence on Chinese people. At least, that was the case from my experience. At that time, I often used my phlegmatic bass to discuss the future with Lao Wei. How to get a new girl, Buzzing will accidentally use coloratura when arguing with me, and the unlucky old Wei, under the influence of depression and beer, completely turned into a desperate castrate within a period of time Hum Hum and I were always worried whether he had sneaked out of the palace while we were not prepared.

226 Since I have committed scandals, I am very concerned about other people's scandals. Not only do I care, but I have endless interest. I collect other people's scandals, watch how others turn waste into treasure, and turn ugliness into virtue, and enjoy it The cunning of others is nothing more than wanting to mix myself in the crowd, nothing more than wanting to say that I am not alone in this aspect!In fact, I don't want to excuse myself, I don't want to defend myself, and I don't want to act recklessly, relying on my behavior on the evil of human nature to get an explanation. I don't want to do that. I'm just ashamed of being thrown into the world by the Creator and being born as a human being, because of the existence of man, all this infamy exists, and I'd take the trouble to bargain with the Creator if I could, so that he wouldn't throw me into the world at all , so that I did not have the opportunity to be surprised and bewildered by my own infamy again and again.

227 Interestingly, in that part, Buzzing strangely turned into a sexually late blooming queen of spades, thinking about messing with me all day long, and sometimes, out of understanding that she likes to live forever, I persuaded her to consider whether she would like to have sex with her old man. Humming with Weiwei, the drunken hum often becomes sober in an instant, "But, you fucked me up—you bastard." She would accuse me like this. And once I sang with Lao Wei and said how suitable and well-matched Lao Wei and Buzzing are in terms of personality, Buzzing would point at me and yell: "Old monster! You are not objective!"

228 Sometimes, under my nose, the sad Lao Wei and the unbalanced Hum also engage in semi-erotic activities. I mean, Hum wants to ask me to give me a massage after a day of rehearsal. Hearing Buzzing's coquettish sound of "hug, old monster! Touch! Touch!", Lao Wei rushed forward, stroking Buzzing's back and thighs, making Buzzing scream repeatedly, and Lao Wei would think of Lu Xiaoqing and the pornography that had disappeared from his hand, so he would jump up halfway through touching it and shout: "Stop screaming, stop screaming, isn't this going to torture me to death?" Old Zhou, go play an opera, turn it up a bit, and listen to the shoulder of the Greek ship lord—what’s called Callas’s song that sounds like weeping—what’s called “For Art and Love” !"

229 Buzzing always finds opportunities to bicker with me, often in the middle of the night. It usually starts with a common phrase, such as: "Boss, pour me a glass of water, I'm thirsty." "Go by yourself, I still want to sleep!" "Are you going? No, I'll chop off your hand if you don't believe it or not?" ""Then I'll unscrew your arm, believe it or not?" I shot back. "I'm not afraid! I'll saw your leg off." "Then I'll have to break your teeth." "How dare you! I'll blind you with a nail." She held out a finger.

"I'll pluck all the hair from your body, then sugar-color it, put it in an oil pan, fry it until golden brown, and take it out!" "I'll put you on the chopping board, chop it into meat sauce, add cooking wine, salt, and green onions Ginger and garlic, wrapped in buns, steamed in a drawer, and eaten in one bite!" "I cut open your stomach, pulled out your intestines, and then strangled you to death with your intestines!" She blinked her eyes and gasped. He breathed a sigh of relief, froze for a moment, then slapped me across the face, and stammered: "You, you, why are you so cruel, then you!" "Aren't I bickering with you?" I said.

"It's not bickering, you really think so!" I ignored her. She pushed me: "Old monster, tell me, do you really think so? Don't you?" ""I don't have it.""You do! I've thought about it many times by myself!""No.""There is.""Look at you, talk to you, just be anxious, no If you are poor with you, just say that I ignore you, what is your way." "I am this way, this is my way, and our dancers are uneducated-what's the matter? If you don't like it, don't look at it!" She often fell I walked away, pretending to ignore me, while stretching out a leg and kicking me from time to time.

230 Sometimes, in the middle of the night, after we finished messing around, she would smear the semen on her belly into a circle: "Old monster, I heard that this can beautify the skin, do you think it's true?" I said, "How do I know." "Then you See how the skin on my belly is thinner than other places?" "Did you use sandpaper?" "Nonsense." I got up to take a shower, and when I came back, she was still looking at her belly under the lamp. "Go wash it, I'm done." "Hey, old monster, feel it, is it thinner than other places?" "After that, put an empty bottle next to your pillow, and I promise to give you a bottle every week God oil, if you can’t use it all up, you can sell it to your classmate.” “You have to be ashamed!” She said to me pretending to be angry, and then smiled, “Old monster, tell me, it’s true that that thing can beautify your skin.” Is it?" 231 Sometimes, Hum Hum listened to me, and Lao Wei and I recalled our youth together, for example: the first time the two of us went to McDonald's. I remember that the first McDonald's in Beijing had just opened at that time, and everyone loved it like crazy, and they didn't hesitate to stand in a long line for half a day for this. At McDonald's, Lao Wei and I ate hamburgers. Feelings can’t help but arise spontaneously. Although the hamburgers are not delicious and cheap, and the black tea also smells like rotten grass, we still felt extremely enjoyable at that time. We looked at the exotic interior decoration of McDonald’s and listened to it. Listening to popular English songs, we suddenly felt that we were in a foreign country. We ate the last cold and soft fried French fries dipped in tomato juice. The taste is foreign! 232 Of course, we can also recall when we were younger, when we were still fond of rhetoric. For example: We have said that to roam the country, to have a car of our own and so on. When these rhetoric were partially realized, we didn't feel very happy. After comparing the two, we seemed to be happier when we uttered the rhetoric. 233 I would like to say a few more words about rhetoric. Many people have said bold words, Archimedes said: "Give me a fulcrum, and I can pry the earth up." Of course, he just said that. Even Frege, who is very honest and quite scholarly, said that he wanted to unify the foundations of mathematics. If Russell had not discovered Russell's paradox, Frege would have thought he had succeeded. What's interesting is that many people who claim to do practical things hate rhetoric very much, and think it's scary to say that. In fact, rhetoric is not terrible. The problem is not to blame yourself, but to blame the rhetoric, which made the rhetoric bear the reputation of many liars. 234 During that period, Lao Wei came to see me every day. After get off work, he would go to the supermarket to buy a few steaks, a long loaf of French bread, and butter cheese. He passed by Hum Group and then connected with Hum. He came to me and pressed When the doorbell rang, I stood up from the computer and went into the kitchen. The two of them watched TV or VCDs like "A Chinese Journey to the West" together. Then, I made salad, hot soup and steak, and the three of us ate together at night Steak, listen to the opera.For this purpose, Lao Wei bought a mummy-style professional sleeping bag, together with a moisture-proof pad, and stuffed it in my closet so that I can sleep at night. On the surface, the three of us are living peacefully together, but in fact we are living on the edge of life, Buzzing is living on the edge of unhappiness, Lao Wei is living on the edge of depression, and I am living on the edge of collapse. 235 What breaks me down is nothing but the certainty of my existence. I think it is impossible to clarify this. Besides, no one has explained this clearly, but it is clear. It bothers me all the time, sometimes to the point of being out of my wits, I mean, the thought of not being able to know one thing with certainty until I die, I'm so devastated, in other words, I can't To prove the certainty of existence, I can't even figure out whether I have ever existed, what am I doing! 236 Regarding the certainty of existence, it has always been a question that has always haunted me. I admit that I have been absurdly looking for a certain thing in my life. For me, the blow of the first broken love can be attributed to one point—— There are no definite emotions, and henceforth emotion has no meaning for me, and then it happens to something else, and again, and again, by exclusion, I exclude personal beliefs, morality, religion Wait, now, except for logic, mathematics, and physics, which I show a general interest in with reservations, I have a completely recreational attitude towards other things. I like to discuss the right and wrong of this world. I gradually believe that there is nothing certain in the world. That is to say, I can basically conclude that the world is in chaos. I know that this problem is also tormenting many people, such as the old Wittgenstein, fortunately they are more intelligent than me, so their pain is deeper than mine, that is to say, they are more unlucky than me, this point, It has become the consolation of my life, as effective to me as the consolation of a fool who discovers a wiser man than himself, and even makes me smile. I opened Heidegger's book and found that he was centering on existence and paranoidly circling himself. I saw Nietzsche talking about his tragedy drunkenly, and I saw the good old Bohr talking about human beings absurdly. I saw Husserl bewildered by the phenomenology he invented, and his mind was dark, I saw Kant making mistakes again and again cautiously, I saw Freud's whimsy, and Bergson's randomness Impulsive, I am really indescribably happy, I sympathize with them pessimistically, pray for their poor thinking ability, and sincerely hope that they will have a good life after ending their nonsense, in fact, the ascetic spirit of these ascetic monks often makes I am in awe, but most of their attitudes towards the world do not match my vulgar taste. We are not the same people. I think they have no ability to find and explore the certainty of the world, but in the dark labyrinth of language. Therefore, I expect these idiots to achieve nothing in the end, because there is no definite starting point, and the whole journey is nothing. They went blind and felt the elephant together, which made me feel really ridiculous-in such a chaotic mind, I saw the footprints of these ancestors, all the way to the invisible peak, it was really a spectacular scene that moved me, Like the nebula mentioned by Kant in a science fiction book, although the imagination is rich enough, but because it is not a clear mathematical model, I cannot confirm its reliability, and I cannot take it seriously. I can only treat the nebula The illusory laugh.Yes, it is very easy to build castles in the air on language, but its logic is obviously full of loopholes, so it is not worth mentioning, and there are too many probabilities to make it almost worthless. 237 Roaming in the world of the human spirit is a chore, it is exactly the same as a person carrying a bamboo basket to fetch water, it means that you can catch anything, what a broken shoe, a stupid fish Well, if you can't catch the water, whether you are patient or impatient, whether you are happy or unhappy, you just stand by the water and fish. For this job, some people show tenacious fighting spirit and indomitable will. Perseverance, I really admire my five bodies. Of course, in my eyes, mathematicians are undoubtedly the representative. If they are not in the world, I might really become a hater. When I write, I will use it as a reference Reading materials, I sometimes pick up a line of formulas and read them to learn how to express my ideas clearly, concisely and accurately. Although the two ends of the equal sign seem to be just another way of saying the same thing, at least there is no digression , just such a thing, I can't do it, I digress too much, for me, 3+2 may be equal to 7, or it may be equal to 30, and it may be equal to 16. Only when luck is too good, it will be equal to 5. See Come on, as long as I write, I will become a liar, and I will do things against my will. After a long time, I will also be tired. Instead, I gloat about this, and I also gloat about other people's writing. This is really a helpless joke. 238 At the end of 1998, when I fell asleep, I wrote a lot of stories secretly by the computer. The purpose was to set some examples for myself and to encourage myself. Therefore, I decided to create a literary image of God, so I decided to create one, so I thought of the Chinese Yugong, this is the Chinese God of Tiredness, and his job is more difficult than Sisyphus who pushes stones up the mountain, because he is not going to Pushing a stone on the mountain, but simply moving the whole mountain away, I believe that Yugong deserves the title of the God of Tiredness, so I decided to use the long narrative poem "Ode to the God of Tiredness" to express Yugong's experience, And portrayed him as the world's most tired god image, I put down the script at hand and started to write poems. For the convenience of writing, I went to the street and bought 10 catties of plasticine that kindergarten children often play with, and made the Yugong family by myself. Shangzhisou and others stood above the monitor and everywhere in the room. At that time, Hum Mong always went to McDonald's to eat a set meal, and every time he would get back a plastic McDonald's villain. She still imitated me and put it on top of the TV. Those little people are all very cute in shape. Compared with my tired gods, her little people are like a group of relaxed gods. 239 The story of "Ode to the Tired God" is based on the old Chinese story "The Foolish Old Man Moves the Mountain". It tells the story of an old man named Yugong who lives in the mountains. Because the door is blocked by a big mountain, it is very inconvenient to travel, so he decides to dig out the old man. He called the whole family together for a meeting. Due to the majesty of the patriarchy, the whole family readily agreed to his idea, so the family began to dig the mountain. His working tools included several thick multi-purpose shovels. It can not only be used for shoveling soil, but also be used as an iron hammer to drill holes when encountering stones. There are also several single-wheeled carts described by the writer Wang Xiaobo. Some motivation, I asked them to dig for a period of time, and they would dig out some treasures, including gold nuggets, jade, as well as the tombs of older people and valuable funerary objects, so that they no longer need to spare their hands to farm the land , but according to Chinese rules, it can be used to marry a wife, have more children and increase labor. I did not calculate the earthwork for them, lest readers think that I am more like a contractor than a poet. Of course, in order to make the family tired God’s feats are thrilling, and I did not hesitate to use traditional narrative poetry techniques to make them face many difficulties, such as bad weather, landslides, self-sacrifice to save others, bad people visiting their homes, and thinking about their family. In order to satisfy the young male readers, I also designed several encounters for the male descendants of Yugong, first they were forest monsters, tree monsters, and vixen, and later they were changed to girls like Xiao Feng'er from the town behind the mountain. Digging mountains is known as a millennium project. I have designed 50 generations of Yugong’s family based on the 20-year-old generation, regardless of nicknames, nicknames, etc. It took me three days to name these people. However, as soon as I started writing, I ran into some troubles, such as whether to dig a mountain from the bottom of the mountain or from the top of the mountain. In short, because I believe that the ancient Chinese were as intelligent as modern people, Therefore, their mountain-digging activities cannot be turned into a stupid act, so their intellectual factors have to be added. In short, this story really took me a lot of work. When I entered the role and created the excitement, I would often stand up against the table and run to the side of Hum Hum who was watching TV and shout: "Yugong is me! I am Yugong alive! I am the Chinese Great Tired God!" Om was stunned. 240 The outline of this long narrative poem has just been written, and an unexpected situation occurred. A Taiwanese computer game company intends to switch careers to film, and came to my house to ask me to write a script. After seeing my "Ode to the Tired God", he was moved by it and decided to start a new project. To join the computer game industry, of course, the condition is that I sell him this outline as a game script, and he intends to make a video game that will cause a sensation in the game industry. Of course, he doesn't like a word of my poems, but he wants to The dialogue of the characters was changed to the game networm cut, the fuck is not called the fuck, it is called TMD, the dick is not called dick, it is called JB, etc. He said that this is more in line with the spoken language habits of the working people. He sat next to my computer. After a while, I was very excited when I saw the characters I made with plasticine. I couldn't help but stole seven or eight of them at the first meeting. The second time I came, he simply told me that he bought all these images. He kept telling me about a movie called "Paradise Cinema", and said to me: "Think about it, so many people cry when a broken movie theater collapses. If a mountain full of Yugong's family collapses, the game Players have to cry like hell!" He even decided to buy an eyedrop factory to provide eyedrops for the software he made, and he asked for 100,000 yuan. Of course I couldn't agree, but what can stop a businessman?He kept raising the purchase price, and promised me various good terms, and finally backed out to wait for me for 3 years, intending to take me to the beautiful California, let me finish writing the narrative poem, and bundle it with his game, but I still refused. So he came to me every day full of pride, grinding me, talking to me about the ever-changing new graphics technology, and instilling in me a belief that interactive games will replace movies in the next century. Listen to the sound to see if it conforms to the motion effect when the shovel enters the soil when digging a mountain, especially when the treasure is dug, the shovel will make a crisp metallic sound, and finally he has raised the price to 100,000 US dollars plus 10% Empty shares, and he walked fast in front of me all day long, fell down and got up several times, and raised his arms and howled loudly: "I am the living Yugong in the computer world! The living Yugong is me! I am the Chinese God of Tiredness!" I am not afraid of being tired, I want to enter the world of computer games! Long live the Yugong family’s thousand-year history of blood and tears! Long live the struggle of 50 generations of shocking ghosts and gods! Long live my 50 games that have swept the world!" Seeing a living person being tortured like this by a story, I immediately understood that a work with such strong artistic appeal must be rubbish. Moreover, his appearance made me very unbearable, so I finally sold the story. Of course, He has no money for the time being, and I didn’t get any money, but I got 20% of the shares. I think I have the hope of getting rich overnight that Yu Gong never imagined. As for the Taiwanese, he no longer needs a few He stole my plasticine figurines all over the place. He was really bold. He bought a box of cheap crafts, threw the crafts inside to me, and packed my plasticine figurines into the craft packaging boxes, and then put them in The suitcase, he carried it away like a tired man.