Chapter 10 181-200

181 When Buzzing and I were eating, I tried to talk to her, and started to say that she was ugly, like a potato. While talking, Buzzing suddenly threw the chopsticks on the table, getting upset, and she said: "You I just think I’m ugly, don’t you?” In fact, I didn’t think too much about what I said, I was in a trance state, which is what I usually have when I’m nervous about writing, but this time it’s a little strange, my words Very blunt and full of malice, like someone else said, but every sentence clearly came from my mouth. I told her that I was in a bad state during this period. I haven't written much for more than a year, and I just started writing now, and I don't want others to disturb me.

Buzz said, who is bothering you, I keep the volume down when I watch TV. I said, as long as you are here, it is impossible not to affect me. For example, if you are hungry, I have to cook—— before the words fell, Buzz threw the chopsticks I had just picked up on the table again: "I don't have eaten!" 182 I coaxed her, and coaxed and coaxed, until things calmed down. The next day, Buzz received a call from a classmate, saying that she would have a job at the Jingguang Hotel in the next few days and asked her to go back to the troupe to rehearse. At first she said she didn't want to go, but the classmate told her that she couldn't find anyone. I had no choice but to agree.

In the evening, we went for a walk together, humming and teasingly asked me how my month was going, and if there were any other girls, I also told her teasingly that an old lover came to hang out with me Two days later, Buzzing suddenly shook off the hand that was holding me, and walked away from me as if avoiding something, but a kind of malice sprouted in my heart, I deliberately didn’t say that I was making it up, but didn’t say a word , I walked for a while, and when I turned around, Buzzing was still not far behind me. I stopped, and when she approached, she stopped in place and didn't go away. I turned around and walked towards her, only to see big tears falling Silently rolling down her cheeks.

Suddenly, I realized that I had hurt her, and this was bound to happen sooner or later. 183 It was a beginning, a bad start, very bad, my work was not going well, and my heart was full of contradictions. Gradually, I fell into a state of irritability. In the morning, I sent Hum Hum back to rehearse and made an appointment I went to pick her up in the evening. On the way back, I received a call from a friend who asked me to have lunch with me. I went there. After I came out of this book, I received a call again, it was an appointment to play mahjong, so I went with him, and I played until 1:00 in the middle of the night. I lost only 20 yuan before I stopped. I suddenly realized that, I left my mobile phone in the car, so I said goodbye and came out, I got in the car, remembered about Hum, I picked up the phone, as expected, Hum called me several times, I knew she called from the reception room Phone, I wanted to return a call, but at this moment, the phone ran out of battery, so I drove straight home and passed the song and dance troupe where Humong was. I hesitated, and decided to go to the troupe to take a look.

I stopped the car at the entrance of the song and dance troupe, walked in, passed the reception room, and found that Humong was still waiting for me. She was sitting there alone, constantly dialing the phone. I called her through the window, and she Throwing down the phone, I ran out, hugged me, and wanted to yell at me, but her voice became hoarse in an instant, so she began to cry, even crying aloud, I hugged her, and immediately decided in my heart that I must break up with her . 184 When I was an innocent teenager, I had a strange confidence in emotions, thinking that I could never change, and that other people's emotions were the same as mine. However, now that I have entered an adult, years of experience have told me that emotions Unreliable, not only referring to others, but also referring to myself, I think back to my former lovers, try to imagine if they come back to me, will I be reconciled with them?The answer is very obvious, no, this can also be explained by "a good horse never turns back", but the actual situation is that there is only one situation where I will try to get back a relationship, that is, if you are away from me The girl who went there hurt my self-confidence. I got her back just to get back my own self-confidence. Now, I won’t even do this, because I already understand the falsehood and absurdity of self-confidence, that is to say , my confidence in myself and others has disappeared, I no longer believe in anything easily, I only believe that the ending of everything is a bad thing, and the difference between things and things is only in the change to the bad things. The paths are just different.

Buzz reminds me of my past, I imagined that if we met 10 years earlier, if I hadn’t experienced so many things, met so many people, thought so many problems, maybe I will try to hang out with her for a long time, but this is all nonsense. The reality is that it is impossible for me to be loyal to such an unreliable thing as emotion, let alone fall in love with a girl, a little girl like Hum girl. It would take a long speech to clarify this point, and even a long speech may not be able to explain it clearly. For me personally, this is a history of moral decline. As a result, my attitude towards morality has undergone a 180-degree turn. It was suspicion, then meanness and ridicule, and finally, it simply turned into indifference. This has to start with my study.

185 I have a lot to say about learning, but due to space limitations, I can only mention a little bit. Since I was a child, I was often reminded to learn from great people, so I began to read the works and biographies of great people. After reading for more than ten years, I found that I think I rarely learn many things about great people, at least they Luck and talent cannot be obtained by learning. Also, the characters of great people are generally more complicated than ordinary people. In addition, morally, they are almost all contradictory. The good places are very good, and the bad places are very bad. I don't want to learn, but I still have the opportunity to learn from them, because great people also have a moderate side. After a comparison, I finally know what I can learn from them!

I mean, imitate their promiscuity! Because, according to my observation, most great people like promiscuity very much, even to the point of obsession, which surprised me very much. I think this may be one of the differences between great people and ordinary people. If I am really in a hurry and want to relax and talk about the history of human beings, if I want to show my talents in this field, if I can, I will choose to write a "History of Human Promiscuity".In addition to humans, I also noticed that from the perspective of evolution, all living things, from low-level to high-level, can be said to be a progress from single sex to promiscuity.

Although I don’t believe in historical determinism, I think promiscuity as a historical trend, it should be said, has swept me into it. Therefore, adapting to it, adapting to it like adapting to the society and adapting to the commodity economy, is my top priority. The floodgates have been opened, and even the forces of AIDS will struggle to close them. When it comes to gender-specific issues, the problem is much more complicated. You can tell a girl that you love her, but you don’t need to say whether you will change your mind. You can say that you are loyal to her, but you don’t need to mention whether you are loyal to your heart or your body. Ultimately, love to the brim, when you say with all your affection that you only want to fuck her, she'll probably resent it with "that's all you know," which is bullshit.

186 The bullshit doesn't stop there. We all know that a bit of wit makes one a fashionable writer, like most writers of literature, but to be a good writer one needs a bit of brains, like a writer of philosophy and mathematics, to be a better writer, You have to work non-stop in loneliness, and you have to be worthy of your superhuman talent. This is the moral sense of intellectuals. It's funny how trendy writers take their bit of affectation so seriously that it makes me nauseous to read most of the books I'm forced to write--including my own, which I have to It’s not my strong suit to stand up to nausea to write a masterpiece—accepting visits from strangers, talking nonsense on TV, embarrassing myself on stage, dangling in front of everyone and being proud of it, of course. ?Have you ever seen a group of monkeys watching one of them non-stop? What's even more ridiculous is that there was even a single monkey who thought it was a beautiful event, somersaulted out of the line, and quarreled to let everyone know. Isn't it funny to think that being famous is exciting after all?

187 The old villain Sartre said bluntly, I need inevitable love, and I also need accidental love.From my understanding, what he means is that he needs a woman who is always by his side and is always on call, but he also needs to attack at any time to get all kinds of women. In fact, if conditions permit, he can That is, when there are so many accidental loves, he can completely avoid the inevitable love. With the support of theory, Sartre puts himself into practice without any scruples, showing all the characteristics that an avid porn fan can show. He likes Fucked his longtime lover Beauvoir, but he also liked to fuck the schoolgirls Beauvoir picked for him, with whom he managed to seduce a large number of girls in collusion, of course, many times Sartre seemed more willing Going it alone, walking around like a lone ranger, fucking every girl he could get his hands on, and sometimes, with women, he vacillated between fucking and not fucking, according to his momentary mood, in order to get For female students, he had to invent many non-existent theories, and went to class to deceive them. In order to get all kinds of women, he had to go around to make speeches, make reports, and bullshit the news. In order to get actresses, he I have to put philosophy aside and write novels and dramas. Of course, for a person who is engaged in writing, writing is the same. Anyway, in order to achieve the goal of Miss Meng, he is willing to write any absurd article. A very simple emotion, with the pride of doing what you say, compared to ordinary people who have sex dreams and get it done, I want to say that Sartre is serious about his penis, and he is serious about his penis. His voice was almost to the point of being obedient. In Paris, in Sartre's elaborate, patchwork, and leaky harem, he ran sensually among his lovers, used his knowledge, status, and money to cheat non-stop, he Busily running from one breast to the other, for his penis to stop and stop in different vaginas, he is really fucking heartbroken, I don't know if they can comfort this shameless man, this A short and tough guy who is willing to let go of the Nobel Prize, but he is not willing to let go of any woman. He told me with his shrewd practical actions that women are much more affordable than any certificate bonus! The big gangster Kundera said that to get a woman, any man can do it, but it takes a mature man to know how to get rid of her. According to my understanding, Kundera is proud that he can successfully get away after fucking a girl without getting into any trouble, that is to say, he regards seduction as an extraordinary skill. Needless to say, everyone knows that technology is called deception. After he mastered the deception technique, he raised the deception technique to the level of a mature man. And think that naivety is inferior to maturity, and it can't be compared with maturity at all. I really can't learn this kind of complacent and shameless style in a while! Goethe, in addition to being a slave to power, is also a writer who is deeply obsessed with breasts and vaginas. Even at the age of 80 (only with fingers), he still insists on it, and he does not hesitate to use extremes such as marriage proposals. Compared with young poets such as Shelley and Byron who are good at exchanging wives, his indecency is very obvious, and I feel tired for him. Goethe gave me the impression that he was carrying his own too heavy penis The waist-walking ascetic, of course, has to use a stick, and in this case, he still defies hardship, staggering on the road of seduction and adultery, and I think the lame Byron has the stamina to swim the English Channel. , but it is difficult to go further than Goethe on the road of being passionate about promiscuity. After reading the biographies of these people, I have reason to think that if the poems of Shelley and Byron are dipped in their own semen and scribbled on paper If you draw in one breath, then Goethe's poems seem to be floating in a swimming pool filled with his own semen, carefully written stroke by stroke, and he keeps writing and writing! This also happens to women.Duras's mother once "went to the colonies to make a fortune", and she herself "returned to France to become famous". The old prostitute who wrote this article, at the age of 66, can still seduce her younger than half with full of treachery. Yann, who in the following years became her manservant, nanny, driver, nurse, punching bag, secretary, scribe, drinking buddy, object of torture, tool of lust, and ruined this man's life , After his death, there was no news overnight, and she changed the life of this innocent young boy who had nothing. What is even more annoying is that she once and for all bluffed him just because she could write two so-called nonsense novels. He, the worst, she not only puts words above personal life herself, but induces others to do so, and of course I should mention in passing that this little woman had a plethora of bad teachers, and in her In the circle of life, she has only learned a little bit. The scene that impressed me the most was that Yann met her for the first time, because he was deceived by her novels and reputation, he kept writing letters to her, begging to meet her humblely, and when they met for the first time, she asked him to go out and buy Wine, he went, came back after a while, did not buy wine, because he had no money, he just stood in front of this white-haired female villain, like a lamb waiting to be slaughtered, so she maliciously saw an opportunity , that is, how to squeeze and humiliate the opportunity of a young man with a pure and innocent heart, and immediately raise the butcher knife, she puts it into action in the name of love and literature, tricking him into thinking that her work and life are more important than his, The blatant audacity with which he had been deluded and allowed to record all the scandals between them as a biography was outrageous! 188 When I saw a strong male ape lead a few passable female apes through the woods, I thought, I would think it was natural, and once the ancient apes came out of the woods and became humans, this kind of The formation will change. The old liar Picasso may know how to draw, and he may be a genius for drawing children's paintings, but he knows how to use his unique children's paintings to get different women. There are a lot of traditional dogmas about sniffing honey. They always seem to be committed to drawing the soul from the body. When I was a child, I couldn’t figure out why they didn’t just draw the soul directly. Later, after watching a lot of paintings, I realized that the soul is sent to the girl by the painter. Of course, when some painters paint nudes, their penises can’t wait to stretch towards the female models, but there are also some painters who only get erect after finishing the painting. In fact, the most familiar subject of painters is "sick male and female sexual organs". As we all know, there is no need for famous painters to hear about this subject matter.Of course, not to mention poets, playwrights, and writers. Although they are all venereal disease experts in private, and it is very painful to think of mercury therapy, they still have a magical ability to turn pain into motivation for chasing women. , like Alphonse.Dude has been called a patriotic writer in general for a long time, but if he subdivides it further, he will be classified into the type of patriot who likes to fuck French girls. Through research on historical celebrities, I gradually found a The irrefutable axiom, that is, "The so-called celebrities are those men who love to have sex with many women, or women who love to have sex with many men." I think it is very easy to prove my theorem. Open the literature and painting volumes in the "Encyclopedia Britannica", and just search for them one by one by name. One of the jobs I wanted to do was to make a supplement to this encyclopedia. I would add a small sex column. Indicate the two hard indicators of the number of sexual partners and the number of STDs of each character. If I don’t bother, I can also indicate the impact of these things on their creation. Those so-called scholars with a sense of social responsibility don’t know why they don’t do this. thing?I can't figure out where their conscience is?As far as I know, it is precisely because they have not fulfilled their social responsibilities that the people regard adultery as immoral and immoral, and make the fashion superficial. In the bus, you can only hear people talking about "please explain" ", instead of the more interesting "sexy disease"! 189 I don't know when, the boring fashion of single-handed sex began to spread around, endlessly, and flourish forever. It was dressed in intolerable cloaks of loyalty, love, understanding, etc., mixed with morality. In the concept, it is like a wolf wearing sheep's clothing and mixing with sheep. There are so many people who pursue the fashion of single sex, so that the political system regards it as an indicator of social stability, which is very puzzling. Bachelor They are understood as a group of malicious people who seem to do nothing but break up other people's families when they are idle, and what is the meaning of other people's families?It's nothing more than turning the relationship between men and women into a queue, leaving nothing else, first come first served is the most important thing, those third parties are as annoying as those who are good at stuffing, because they destroy the order of fashion, they even affect property rights , but the society that revolves around those assets is particularly hypocritical in this regard, acting more moral than moral. You must know that most of the outstanding figures in maintaining social customs in history are mostly hybrids! Today, when contraceptive pills are so developed, I cannot agree that sexual intercourse has not become a sport. It has improved the grade of sexual intercourse as an entertainment activity, because as an industry, it is related to production and consumption, and it is worth a lot of money. I very much agree with this. Reluctant to show understanding, however, it surprises me that it becomes the most reliable part of love, because to base emotions on things like sexual intercourse at least devalues ​​​​emotions, and in fact, in the history of human sexual intercourse, Unhealthy tendencies have always been rampant, not to mention the small feet in China and chastity underwear in foreign countries in the past, even now, "Would you like to sleep with me?" is usually interpreted as an obscene sentence containing malicious intent, rather than ordinary gossip , followed not by "Do you have AIDS?", but: "That's disgusting." Note that this is a perfect example of the wrong answer, and proof of the lack of logic in everyday language. 190 From the point of view of some more subtle moral teachings, morality can even become a joke, for example: if someone believes in the moral teaching of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you", then we will see a homosexual man walking on the street every day. The website sincerely appealed: "Stop engaging in heterosexuality, it's too immoral!" In addition, from a moral point of view, I think the equality, liberty, and fraternity proposed by Europeans are immoral, because they are a lie, or at least they are bragging, because it is very easy for us to give examples to the contrary, it is almost There are many things to say - how to understand moral issues?As a snob, I suggest looking at this issue from the perspective of moral effects. Obviously, whoever benefits morally will advocate this matter. So, who benefits?Needless to say, everyone knows it. Let us admit that morality is a pretext by which even a dying man may rest in peace because he is thought to be a good man, and a means by which many obey it and others stay out of it, it is It is the tool of social management of all living beings. It can do many things with only the word "conscience". Disease, people with this disease can become gods in the blink of an eye. As a result, there are countless gods in the world. They can judge with their mouths: this is a good thing, this is a bad thing, this is a good person, this is a bad person , This is right, that is wrong, in fact, it is talking about the speaker's own taste, and it also represents the speaker's personal interests-human beings should feel blush for morality, because it is a ridiculous invention of human beings, Many absurd things were born from this - for example: the bitch's archway is not only funny, but also wastes too much manpower and material resources. If the bitch does not appear as a bad thing, then why is she so tired?She just needs to be a good bitch.Regardless of morality, the so-called derogatory words of human beings have no value, and the hegemony of language has been greatly weakened, and so-called justice and other things can no longer dominate the market in society-isn't this very good! 191 For moral issues, there is the simplest solution, which is to kill all the bad guys. Unfortunately, there is a paradox in the implementation of this method, because once you really kill the bad guys, you also become a murderer. A criminal is a bad person, even a person who is worse than a bad person. Therefore, you will also be killed. If you continue to do this, there will be one person left in the human race. So a bad guy, but he can still call himself a good guy, because there are no more bad guys to kill, so in a way he has to be a good guy, what we can call God.I would very much like to be lucky enough to be God, but as God I would not choose this path, because this path still leaves me with moral confusion, because when I am alone, morality has no meaning, and I destroy it in order to make it perfect In addition to morality, this is another paradox. Under the influence of the double paradox, my method seems very ridiculous-in fact, even if you come up with a more complex and reasonable method, you cannot solve the problem of human beings. In terms of moral confusion, let’s honestly admit that morality is a very strange and mysterious system. I can say that if we look at moral issues from a simple and effective point of view, then I have to admit that morality is actually unnecessary. of. 192 Sex, as a part of everyday life, should be discussed in isolation, it has nothing to do with love or anything like that, it is something related to reproduction, I believe that the secret of sex is hidden deep in my body in my mind, not in my mind - my body is full of desire for sex, but my mind cannot tolerate the existence of sex - my mind no longer lives on the body, but on the symbols in the book, and I My body, without the nourishment of sex, fears destruction. The body needs sex to provide the illusion that the body can last forever through reproduction. This illusion is a dream of the body. My mind finds it ridiculous. But my body anxiously reiterated its wish in a babbling manner: the body cannot live without dreams! 193 In the world, the good and the bad live together, as brothers, and the evil as enemies. In the grave, the good and the bad sleep together, and everything is silent, and only darkness and loneliness remain in the world forever——After futile and hard tossing, in After passing through the illusion of emotion, the atoms that make me dance with the atoms that make you, hand in hand, in a place we've never been, and I'll sleep with you, my reader, and you will sleep with me . 194 After a long period of observation, I finally realized that only this dark world is my only home, my only foothold, and my only battlefield. In this worldly life, I must fight, rest, intrigue, succeed, or be defeated , or I am not a human being, but another creature, and in the secular life, whether I admit it or not, I can only exist as a free philistine, not a saint at the disposal of others, besides , in my field of vision, there are quite a few legends about saints, but seeing one is harder than going to heaven. I can't be dazzled by legends, because legends can basically be said to be misinformation and rumors To put it another way, I was born in the bourgeoisie, and with all my vulgarity, I struggled in the harsh living conditions, looking here and there, but I couldn't even smell the slightest smell of copper, let alone any high-level ones. Licentiousness, I don’t want to be a snobbish eye, yelling at other people’s licentiousness, I’d rather jump into the lewdness and shameless frying pan than any high-minded heaven, only hard-hearted people can be noble, I can’t, As soon as I am noble, I will suffer a lot. I don’t want to suffer any loss. Therefore, I can only pursue a shameless and shameless life without any scruples. Only the shameless and shameless life is my real yearning. That is my taste, low I belong to a low level, but no one took me to a high level. Besides, I can't even be shameless, so where can I get the reputation of being a prodigal son and turning his back? 195 This is a tragedy about my own "presence", and if I am not present, I cannot enjoy the torture that is hard to bear in life! I just want to fight myself, and only fight others when I feel comfortable. Yes, I've made up my mind and I won't look back. I just want to turn around in the hot pot, and no one will try to fish me out! 196 So, a few days later, I held Buzz in my arms and told her, you'd better go, you won't get anything from me, because I can't get anything myself. Hum didn't understand me. She put her arms around me and stuck to me. Maybe she will never understand. But I have a way to make her understand part of it. 197 How did the evil in human nature begin? For others, it's hard for me to know, and I know how I got started. At first, I sent the buzz back to the regiment. Then, I seduce Buzz classmate. 198 At this point, I can't write again. How can I describe the whole thing?I think readers are willing to see a narrative similar to the following, and believe that it is true and profound: Finally, I fell into a variety of sensual desires and couldn't extricate myself. At first, I reconnected with my old lover A who was already half-aged.I got young and beautiful B again, Buzzing cried for my respect, I ignored her, she had to suffer again, then I pursued a girl C with short hair, was rejected, I shamelessly told Buzzing about it She still endured the matter, and then I fell in love with D with long hair and thin waist, and her humming self-esteem collapsed, she pretended to ignore it, and then I got the very sexy E on the bed, and was caught by her once, She cried a lot and endured it again afterwards. I repeated it again and again, but she lost her confidence and was completely desperate. In the end, I let her go, but she refused with tears. I insisted, and she left. I took her back by car. On the way Sighing again and again, she cried when she was about to reach the destination, I stopped the car, almost wanted to turn the car around and take her back, but she had already got out of the car, waved at me, closed the door, and left, I felt immoral The flames licked violently at my heart. I went back to the empty room where Hum had left, I closed the door, walked to the sofa and sat down, I found that she was gone, maybe she would never come back again, I saw a scarf hanging on the nail behind the door fell to the ground, And several empty wine bottles on the ground were rolling around. 199 This is a serious fabrication, why does it seem to be quite real?I think this is another hallucination about reality. In fact, I don't think I can describe the whole event objectively. It is a list of too many small and diverse events. If they are connected together, it will only seem reasonable, but unfortunately, doing so will run counter to the truth, because the objectivity of things will be damaged too much. This does not refer to things like honesty and dishonesty, sincerity and insincerity. Those all refer to attitudes towards things, and have nothing to do with the things themselves. Seriousness, no matter how sincere, I believe it will not be more correct than the result I got with a casual attitude. What I want to say is that emotional factors such as sincerity and honesty have nothing to do with creation. Rousseau who abused sincerity and honesty can only read Makes me sick, the deceitfulness of so-called realist works has long been obvious to all, I don't want to write some bloody nonsense to deceive readers, of course, this can only be done if you dare to deceive yourself, and I don't care Not good, I want to say, what is involved here is only my ability, my creative talent, no matter how I recall, how to find a way to describe, the result falls short, I feel my incompetence again, I sadly I found that it is so difficult for me to objectively tell an event. 200 But I still want to tell, and I'm going to start now, I can't stop, I can't leave a blank, so I have to step down, fall into the abyss of illusion, I am determined, no matter what, I will complete the story. In order to get lost in the illusion, I have to make myself not sober. I don't like those so-called sober fools, and I hate those who are actually incapable of sober pretending to be sober. In my opinion, that is all self-deception, yes It makes me laugh out loud to claim to be sober when I have only a half-knowledge about things in the world. In fact, only people with empty minds can be sober, but people with a little knowledge have to go round and round in the maze of thought. Moreover, no one in the world has ever turned out.