Chapter 5 81-100

81 Whether to deceive readers immorally and write a few masterpieces of heavenly scriptures is still a question for me. How many times have I published a valuable book, I have stayed up all night on this issue, thinking hard, weighing left and right, and many times I have used various reasons to convince myself to use treacherous tricks and become famous overnight, because there are countless such role models and it is very easy to learn Imitation, but I can’t make up my mind for some reason. I often walk around the bookshelf, draw out a math book from the pile of books like a lottery, read two pages, get discouraged, and take another book, physics. After flipping through the book for a while, I almost gave up the idea of ​​writing, but I pulled out the third one, which was already Leibniz's "A New Essay on Human Reason". There must be a shortage of readers, so I had to throw it back on the bookshelf. Darwin let me read it for a while. Although there are many stories about animals in it, readers who are young or naive like Lu Xun must love it, but writing such a book is too troublesome. And it is not commensurate with my status, my Chinese passport prevents me from going to many places, so I have to put it back and draw again. This one is, it seems, I have to play Kafka for a while, unfortunately What’s more, Kafka’s games are too colorful, bitter and not funny. This kind of writing will definitely make me feel very boring. Read one by one, first Cortazar's thick "Hopscotch", and then Llosa's two thick books, "Long Chats in the Bar" and "Aunt Julia and the Writer", these three books were a year ago It made me dizzy after reading it, maybe the current situation in Peru and Argentina is not stable, or why does the book written by the author have to be so thick?I mean, I, who have had experience in using bricks since I was a child, think that there is absolutely no need to make the writing as thick as a murder weapon, and there is no need to make the story as long as a TV series. The readers have so much patience to read it. Does the author Do you have that much patience to write?You know, writing is more difficult than reading!South American writers talk too much nonsense. I have always learned something, but it is not easy to find something new in their books. This can also be verified in thinner books. Fuernst's "The Clearest Area" I was skeptical immediately after reading it, Galder's "The Market for Idiots" was depressing to read, and Carpentier's collection of works named after this man made me dumbfounded. Who could combine his two stories together? If you finish reading without losing the words, then this person must be a real book fan, I mean, the same nature as modern fans who can listen to the song whenever they see it. Montero's "Silent Confession" is so wordy that I I can't listen to each sentence carefully. From the title of the book, the author obviously thinks he has committed a crime. I don't want to be bad, and at my age, even if I want to commit a crime myself, I don't need others to instigate it. It is said that it is a big deal I think Ramirez's "God's Wrath" is an unwritten detective novel, and it's not much better as an art novel. In addition, Onetti's "Please Hear the Wind" completely made me decide No longer reading South American novels tonight, but go for a walk outside to enjoy the night breeze in China. By the way, the short stories of South American Borges are liked by many people. It is said that he wrote mysterious and short stories, no I brag for people who can write in China. In my opinion, many unknown riddle writers in China are better than him.Such an irredeemable style was even more irredeemably plagiarized by Haruki Murakami in Japan. With Murakami's efforts, the mystery was preserved, and the shortness became lengthy, making the mysticism a worldwide phenomenon. No way, it's too common for readers' ignorance to turn author's stupidity into success - South American novels have been called "literary explosion" for a while, which fully reflects the nature of South Americans to bluff and bluff , Of course, it is still almighty money that ignites this fuse. If you don’t believe me, please see the Chilean writer Jose.Donoso's "Literary Explosion Personal Experience" - In developing countries, this kind of crazy phenomenon of bombing is not a big deal. I dare say that if you give me 100 million US dollars, I can create a literature in China. When a literary atomic bomb hits, its sound and destructive power are no worse than those of South Americans, and it will definitely shock the readers of the world, leaving them scratching their heads.

82 I came downstairs and whispered my confusion to Night Breeze. I didn't know what to write. I couldn't write valuable books. I didn't like to write worthless books. Please, is this my fault?To be honest, I only think about it this way at night. During the day, I would rather regard this shortcoming as my strength. I walk, walk, and the ideological struggle in my heart is as fierce as Hamlet. For a while, I persuade myself, write Just write, if you want to be fooled, if you want to be deceived, you will be deceived. Anyway, readers say that they are not fools. At another time, I encourage myself, don’t compromise, don’t learn to be bad, be honest, don’t write anything, just stay like this, It is enough to understand other people's jokes, you don't have to become a laughing stock yourself to be qualified to say that I understand.

83 When I was writing a script, I didn’t have this kind of anxiety in my heart. I thought that the script was just a tool for me to make a living. I knew that the script I wrote would disappear soon after it was aired. Moreover, the script was a collective fraud project. Thinking of TV stations, Producers, advertisers, famous actors, and directors are all more deceitful than me, so I will feel at ease, but writing a book is a solo effort!In my hut in the East Highlands, I sat in front of the computer, thinking anxiously, wasting a lot of time, and finally did not come to any serious conclusions. When I was thinking, the earth, the electricity meter, and the sun Every morning, I rush to report the passage of time, and my health is deteriorating. As I grow older, I am no longer suitable for wearing naked clothes, sleeping in the open, begging on the street, and following cynicism. My predecessors, those anger experts, such as Lu Xun, Schopenhauer, etc., did not set an example for me to commit suicide in anger, so I had to imitate them and muddle along , while writing cursing articles, in fact, I don’t like this way of life, and in private, I don’t want to be as worthless as them, but like them, I can’t do anything practical in the world due to lack of ability, so I just like They also swallowed their breath and wrote my masterpiece.Sometimes, I feel a little lucky. For example, I read Kerouac's diary and found that as a person of color, the work pressure is very small, so it is much easier to mix. I know that in this life I want to win isabel.Caucasian beautiful girls like Adjani are wishful thinking, so they can face my fate calmly, but if they are white, even if they want to get ahead by writing articles, they have to face countless smart seniors, Kerouac He was so overwhelmed by his seniors that he often secretly sighed helplessly at the thighs of girls passing by the window, which really made him greedy enough. No wonder his life was so decadent. You know, for people like Faulkner Such as domestic peasant writers, or Hemingway, Norman.A rough guy like Mailer, Kerouac may have a solution, but a series of European writers discouraged him. You know, he is a naive white American with empty dreams.

84 When I am hesitant about something or have no way to do it, I especially hope to get some practical help. Unfortunately, there are no people around me who can provide this kind of help. On the contrary, those false advices are flying everywhere. For example, one night, when my lust came suddenly and intensified, I called a friend to ask what to do. He neither gave me the phone number of a prostitute, nor sent me a girl, but he talked to me about the left hand. The different uses of the right hand for masturbation, this kind of nonsense, in his opinion, can be used as a news reporter, at least, it should be regarded as a life trick, but it is useless to me, like facing a burning house. House, if you can’t call the fire brigade, don’t mention anything. Do it yourself, it’s a drop in the bucket, because it’s useless to say it. This is what I faced in 1997. I had no choice but to fumble and act on my own when I was isolated and helpless.

85 First of all, I stepped up to write my masterpiece, and now I also insist that learning to cheat should also be learned from the beginning. Many people saw Sartre’s arrogance after his success, but they did not notice the foreign language he suffered while writing at his desk in a coffee shop. Sin, you can’t just carry around a badly written book and flaunt it around, it’s too easy to see through, so you have to have 10 or so books, and these ten or so books can’t be the same, there must be some changes, Otherwise, I can't bear to write, like Agatha.After all, there are very few people who are as honest and patient as Christie. Even a rough guy like Coppola knows how to shoot "The Dialogue" again and again. When he copied "Heart of Darkness", he didn't mistakenly write the title of the film as "Apocalypse of the Past" Even if he is sober, otherwise, how could stupid movie fans feel good about him from the bottom of their hearts, and not look back at how Conrad's novels have been distorted by him?

Secondly, I began to pay attention to the girls who I had ignored before, to see if I could find a general among the dwarfs and find out who I could make do with. 86 I called Zhao Yan and Xu Jing, and they respectively called back and said that they didn’t have time to eat with me for the time being, so I didn’t have time to chat with them while eating, but I didn’t believe in that evil, so I took advantage of Xiaochun’s I went to pick up Feifei from the song and dance troupe, and I went with the car. In Feifei's room, I met Xu Jing. She was waiting for her boyfriend to pick her up, so I did her ideological work steadily. She is a seducer whose name refers to the world, curses and swears, and I am the kind of truth-seeking, earnest confessor and admonisher. After some analysis, she seems to be shaken, but she can’t make up her mind. I can't make up my mind whether to go to the next level and deceive her like others, I think I have said too much about my shortcomings, almost including all the shortcomings that have not yet appeared in me and will appear in me. The advantages are not mentioned. I don't know if this review-style method of sniffing honey is fashionable, but I am sure that I am not talking nonsense, but telling the truth every sentence. Unfortunately, Xu Jing is still too young. Still very interested in being duped, so she sat across from me, hesitant to elope with me, this hesitation severely dampened my honey-sniffing enthusiasm, I know, the key is, I have to patiently I would win her over with all my hypocrisy, but for some reason I didn't and she had agreed to go out to dinner with me to give me another chance to do my wicked tricks, But I was suddenly discouraged. I think I was not able to lie freely for my selfish desires at that time. I was immature at that time. Disappointed to see her boyfriend arrive on time, in order to show my distaste for liars, I walked out the door and saw Buzz walking by, she was carrying a washbasin, her hair was wet, she had obviously just showered after rehearsal When she came out, I called her to stop. When she saw me, she stopped on the spot, twisted her slender waist from side to side, and asked with a smile, "How is your talk with Xu Jing going?" Her boyfriend came to pick her up." "Really?" Hum walked into Xu Jing's room with the washbasin in his hand, and went to chat with Xu Jing, I stood outside, lit a cigarette, and waited for Xiaochun and Feifei to come over , probably before Feifei took a bath, after a while, Xiaochun came from the direction of the bathhouse with nothing to do. We sat side by side on the stone steps. The breath of youth and the smell of soap on my body spread into the air, and I smelled them one by one. I felt the summer breeze blowing past my face, and a feeling of nostalgia for the youthful body arose spontaneously. Looking at each other, Xiaochun nodded at me, blinked, and said to me: "It would be great if I could fuck them all!"

This kind of emotion is really indescribably attractive to me. I watched girls passing by and disappearing before my eyes. The cheap dresses fluttering on their bodies were so beautiful, and the flesh wrapped in the dresses was so beautiful. People have endless daydreams, and through them, I am filled with vain yearning for youth in an instant. That is the age that is completely unaware of the adversity of life, and the age with bright eyes. The memories of youth may be in the long night of life. The most comfortable inn, I watched those worthless youths in the evening light, those girls, those pictures made up of ignorance, beauty, and loveliness, I couldn't help being deeply moved by them, so that I fell into a kind of inextricable feeling for a while. In sorrow.

The door at the back opened, Buzzing jumped out from inside, and while waving goodbye to Xu Jing, he kicked me casually: "What's the matter, don't you feel bad?" I was struck by indescribable emotions, I nodded to her, waved to her, buzzed and swung one arm, and walked crookedly towards her dormitory, Xiaochun asked me: "Would you like to meet Buzz and have dinner together?" "I nodded, Xiaochun stopped Buzzing, Buzzing turned around, and readily agreed. 87 Xiaochun and Feifei Hum and I went to Guolin’s Home Cooking Restaurant in Xizhimen. The strange thing is that Xiaochun and I both forgot to bring our wallets that day. Hum took out a small wallet from her small bag, which only contained 200 yuan. She paid the bill for us, and the three of us came out and wandered around. We visited all the shopping malls near the front door, until late at night when all the shopping malls were closed. Thinking that there was nowhere else to go, we thought of Tiananmen Square. The car drove there, entered the square, wandered around in it, buzzing followed us like a little wandering ghost, she wore a pair of black shorts and thick-soled slippers, said a few words to us from time to time, in the middle she had to go to the toilet, and Xiaochun also Wanting to go, the two walked towards the public toilet under the bell tower one after the other. Feifei and I stood by the railing and waited for them. I asked Feifei: "How about I find Humong? He glanced at me and said, "It's all right, don't bully her." Then, we didn't talk anymore.

After a while, Buzzing and Xiaochun came back. We had just walked a few steps when we met a group of soldiers patrolling. They claimed that after 12 o’clock, they were not allowed to stay in Tiananmen Square, so we went back to Hufang Road and stopped at a Eating snails and other snacks outside the small restaurant near Tianqiao Hotel, humming and going to the toilet, this time, I went with her, and on the way back, I asked her out of words: "How tall are you?" Buzzing and shaking her hair: "1 meter 68, what's the matter?" Afterwards, we were about to leave, Buzzing waved to us alone, ready to go back to the group, I stopped her and asked her if she would like to go to my house with us, so that Xiaochun can send Feifei with her tomorrow morning Back in the group, she shook her head: "whatever." So she left with us.

88 In my memory of Buzzing, the word "casual" is her catchphrase. No matter what you ask her, she will answer with "casual". I once joked to her, "You are really a casual person. People,” Buzz’s answer was, “What’s the matter?” That’s Buzz, I mean, I’ve never met anyone who’s more easy-going. 89 At night, at my house, Xiaochun and Feifei went to a friend’s house of Xiaochun to play. Before they left, they said they would sleep there. They would come to pick up Buzzing at noon tomorrow, so that they could join the group’s rehearsal in the afternoon. Buzzing couldn’t fall asleep, so they sat on the bed with each other. I chatted, I remember we had a lot of conversations, I forgot what we talked about, I just remember a feeling, Hum Hum was completely uninterested in things like the future, she looked like she was resigned to her fate, she was not interested in her current life I didn't feel much. I remember she raised her head, talked to me for a while, and stared blankly for a while when she had nothing to say. She was 17 years old at the time. I remember she sighed to me and said, "How about we practice dancing?" This pessimistic voice from the bottom of my heart suddenly made me feel an unprecedented tenderness for her.

90 I remember that night, Buzzing fell asleep on my bed. I sat by the computer and wrote. When I was tired, I stopped to look at her. She slept soundly, breathing gently, without any sound. She didn't turn over or move, just lay there with her eyes closed, as if everything in the world had nothing to do with her, and she, a 17-year-old virgin, just lay casually in the ocean of the world, quietly waiting her fate. 91 Until that night, I still had no idea of ​​what to do with her, but her calmness in facing the future moved me, and I just sighed for the existence of such a natural girl in the world. 92 The next afternoon, Xiaochun sent Feifei and Buzzing away. I was falling asleep when I was suddenly woken up by a phone call. I picked up the phone, and Liu Qin’s voice came from the receiver: "Which building is your house in?" "Why?" Huh?" I asked. "Aren't you going out for a while?" "Not going out." "I have something to ask you, and I've arrived in Donggaodi." I told her my building number and house number, and then I got up, brushed my teeth and washed my face. I didn't know Liu Qin What kind of medicine is sold in the gourd, and I don't know why she came to me. Just after I came out of the bathroom, I heard the doorbell. I opened the door, and Liu Qin came in in a hurry. "I'm here today to tell you something very important. I've been thinking about it for a day." "Don't worry, just sit down and speak slowly." I pulled her to the sofa and sat down, but unconsciously put my hands into my pockets and fumbled in my wallet to see if I had enough money as the financial basis for my mistakes. Miscarriage seems okay. "This matter may make you feel sudden." "Tell me—you came suddenly enough. If you don't bring something unexpected, this trip will be meaningless." "Is there any water? I'm thirsty "What do you want to drink? Coffee? Tea? Orange water? Coca-Cola? Wine?" "I want plain water." I poured her a cup of plain water and drank the leftover tea myself. "In short, I want to ask you one thing." "What?" "I want you to do me a favor—" She glanced at me, "Marry me." "Marry?" I held my hand again Stuck into the wallet, the money in it can be used to solve the problem of abortion, but from the perspective of common sense, marriage is definitely not enough. ""Yes, get married! ——I just ask for this, you just need to register with me, even if you leave the next day, but you must promise me——" "Don't worry, don't worry—" I took her hand Shaking twice, "speak slowly——why? ""The reason is ridiculous to say - don't laugh at me. ""No, tell me—could it be the last time we—""No! "She said with certainty, "I'm not the kind of person who is pregnant with your child and spends my whole life with you, and I'm not pregnant either. ""So? "She handed over the empty glass in her hand: "Can I have another glass of water?"I am so thirsty. "While I was pouring water for her, I heard a buzzing voice: "Zhou Wen, where is the paper in your bathroom?" "So she went into my bathroom. "It's in the wastebasket." I responded casually, and went to get toilet paper for her in the closet. "Is one roll enough?" I opened the door and handed it to her, then closed the door. "You really don't even put paper in the bathroom, how can you ask someone to use it?" "What nonsense! There are papers in the basket. If you don't mind, there are Duras' novels in the water tank. Isn't that paper? ""That's what you use!" "I can use it, why can't you?" With the sound of water flushing, she opened the door and came out: "I said, you are too uncivilized, why are your living habits so bad?" "Some people - they have a weird life habit, it's puzzling enough not to find it ridiculous, and she asks others to do the same - it's a kind of arrogance - you know? Wipe the labia with toilet paper after peeing It's not something everyone does—you can't ask for it, let alone in the name of civilization, and you can't judge those who don't want to do it badly—you rushed to my house, and I didn't let you Going outside to pee wild is already very polite to you-I'll take the trouble to give you toilet paper if you want it, but I don't want to hear it if you want to talk to me-you can't come to me Do whatever you want, if that's the case, get out of here!" I swallowed the words I was about to blurt out, pretending to be amused by her and said, "Hey, I said, When we are really married, it won't be too late for you to say these things to me—sit down, keep talking, keep talking—” She sat back on the sofa again, twisted her legs together, smoothed her hair with her hands, and then said: "Some strange things happened around me during this period. It started after we broke up that night. The next day, I My boyfriend fucked me, his penis was inexplicably impotent, on the third day, he had premature ejaculation, the next day, he had a heart attack after just two strokes, it almost scared me to death, yesterday, I went to The hospital saw him, and he said, let’s break up.” “What else?” I asked. "Also, I learned that your birthday is March 14th, and mine is April 13th, and the day we fucked happened to be July 27th, don't you think it's weird?" "It's just some kind of coincidence." ""Coincidence? I also feel that this is some kind of coincidence, but listen again—the day before yesterday, I went to the bar to play, and the light above my head fell off and hit the table in front of me. The one on the table is because I wanted to call you, so I straightened up and looked for the phone book from the schoolbag behind the chair. The lamp weighed at least 10 catties. If I didn’t think of you, I would definitely die—"" Such a coincidence?" "It's such a coincidence—I was terrified. I didn't dare to go anywhere for the past two days, and I was alone at home thinking about this. It seems that there is always a force pushing me towards you. If I don't obey , Then, it seems that there is only a dead end——So, I am begging you to marry me today, I am begging you to help me, if I am not with you, maybe something more terrible will happen——After thinking about it, I feel that apart from being with you, nothing can save me from this series of unlucky things, so I came to you, and you must help me with this favor." I couldn't help opening my eyes wide after hearing this. Before I could think of a way, I decided to have a cup of coffee first. I said, "Although getting married is not a big deal, I have to think about it. You drink coffee. Is it?" "Okay." She said, "With you, I feel much more at ease." I went to the kitchen, took out coffee beans from the refrigerator, ground them into powder with a grinder, and put them in a tin iron coffee pot. I added water to the pot, lit the gas, turned down the fire, and put The coffee pot is seated on it, and I just stand by and watch it burn. After 5 minutes, the aroma of coffee came out, and after another 2 minutes, I turned off the fire, took the coffee pot and walked into the hall, found two clean cups, poured two cups, and then put the coffee pot back in the kitchen. Honestly, for 10 minutes, I was so engrossed in thinking about how to deal with this, but my mind was frozen like ice, but I made the coffee just right. I went back into the hall and asked her if she wanted sugar or milk, and she said she didn't, so I added a lump of sugar to my glass and sipped it. "What are you thinking?" she asked me. "I didn't think about it," I told her honestly, "I don't know what to do, I have never met a girl who asked me for help to get married, and it doesn't have to be married to solve this problem." "" "Then tell me, what should I do?" "Did such strange things happen before I didn't know me?" "Never." "Then," I said, "it may be because of me, can it be like this ——"I heard my witty voice, "Try not to associate with me in the future, how about it?" "I thought about it too, but this time, we have no contact?" "Yes." "To tell the truth , if the HIGH wasn’t too high that day, I wouldn’t have slept with you casually.” “I believe you are not the kind of girl who sleeps with anyone casually.” “What about you?” “What about me?” Is it someone who wants to fuck?" "Well—I can't say, although I'm not the kind of person who wants to fuck every girl I see, but it's really hard to be loyal to a girl—I tried, but The result is not very satisfactory, if someone makes me tempted, I can't help but ask her." "What?" It's up to you." "I think, I can't control myself—it's become my instinct after so many years—""You're such a beast!" "I'm telling you the truth——" "Why are you such a person?" "This—I can't answer." "If this is the case, after we get married——" "It will become a laughing stock!" I caught her weakness, honestly Tell her politely. "Then——""Then, I have to think about the matter of getting married—""Well, anyway, my situation is like this, you can figure it out.""Then I'll think about it when I go back ——Why am I so unlucky!" She almost blurted out the second half of the sentence. "That's good—I'll help you think about it too, and see if you have other ideas." "Then I'll go first—didn't I delay you?" "No." "Then goodbye." "Goodbye. "She stood up and walked out the door with a heavy heart. I opened the door for her and raised my hand to her: "Okay, then I won't see you off, be careful on the way." She kept on going without looking back. Go downstairs. I slammed the door hastily, perhaps too quickly, for a start that I thought would sound impolite to anyone, but I was relieved nonetheless. I went back to the living room and continued to drink the rest of the coffee, secretly thankful that I was able to send away this beautiful psycho so smoothly, but soon I discovered that maybe there is a reason for neuroses, because after she left, strange things happened around me , first found out that the coffee she drank was hers, and then found that the door I had shut so hard opened inexplicably, and then I fell while taking a shower before going to bed at night, and one of my front teeth fell off, and I squatted down to pick it up. At that time, the front tooth slipped from my hand, and I fell into the sewer unbiasedly. Then I went to bed, and when I woke up, I found that it was twelve o'clock in the next night, that is to say, I slept for twenty consecutive nights. Four hours, this is something that has never happened in my life. I think about it carefully. The reason may be that before going to bed, I wanted to take Baifuning for headache, but unexpectedly I took two tablets of Valium and put it in my mouth. It's not that nothing bad happened in the next two days, and I was almost on the phone to propose to her. 93 Not to mention, I really don't care what stories are told in a book, and I never think that there is anything special about a broken story. On the contrary, I can't help but sneer when I hear the opinions of story fans. The story is all-encompassing. They think there are some profound philosophies hidden in such stories, or unique insights into life. They use "iceberg" to describe Hemingway's incomprehensible drunken remarks. I laughed, I don't know why vanity should be expressed in the form of ignorance, pretense, and arty. In my opinion, vanity has many uses. Out of vanity, after Wittgenstein's "Tractatus Logico-Philosophy", He wrote "Philosophical Investigations" again. Out of vanity, the old Newton held his "Calculus" for a long time and refused to show it to others. In his later years of success and fame, he had to bravely meet the challenges of mathematics novice. He pointed out that it is precisely because of people's dishonesty and the folly of talking about things they don't understand that the world is full of fruits, false prosperity, and confusion, confusion, and confusion, making the world full of worthless things. Occupying the wrong position everywhere, leading people to the stinking puddles that have been snatched by shameless scams. It just so happens that people actually enjoy themselves in it, looking like a fish in water. I have indescribable nausea. I'm here to tell you, my reader, that I care about you, and that the thought of my book being read by idiots and making self-righteous, wrong reviews makes me furious. To the extent that I am so proud, I tell you what I have experienced, felt, seen, and thought in the world, and I treat you as someone I have never met before, and endure all kinds of absurdity, boredom, boredom, Confused friends, I think I'm walking among you and telling all about me, but what do I expect from you? I am writing, and many liars are writing like me. I have never known what I wrote. I don’t need to make a big deal about it. I encountered unspeakable secrets again and again, and I tried hard to describe my secrets accurately, but these heartfelt words made me feel unspeakable shame more often, and I did not want to tell the truth to myself Worse still, I don't want to engage in any literary career with liars, but there's nothing I can do about it!I am living in such a ridiculous world, and I am concerned about my own ridiculous behavior, which is simply pathetic! Forget it, I still don't say it, everything is useless, I want to finish the story to say goodbye to my youth, in fact, they have already left me, so what can I do bye, bye ? Not only that, when I was writing, my vanity was still being mocked by myself. I was full of bad wind and decadent, but I like to go my own way and go all the way to the dark. If I recognize my foolish youth, what hope can my writing have? No, you don't need to tell me. 94 I have to talk about humming, this is my own scandal, I am very nervous, rambling over and over again, even considering the readers who have never met me, I don’t want to make people worse than me laugh at me. Not hot enough, and people better than me criticize me, despite the fact that I don't care if I'm good or bad, I'm running around, I'm stalling, I just don't want to start my story, I don't want to touch it - but I will Touching it, my self-taught reason, my flimsy emotions, both touch it, for a split second I touch it, for a long time I keep touching it, it's sweeping across me The storm in my heart wiped out my extravagant hopes for emotion, and made me experience the confusion, poverty and danger of human nature. All this is really crazy and helpless. 95 The summer in Beijing in 1997 was a beautiful summer. After experiencing the scorching heat in July and August, the coolness came. The dusk in late September was intoxicating. The green leaves were blown by the slightly hot breeze. After the heavy rain, the air was fresh. In the depths of the shade, there are bursts of cicadas, and the urban residents walking on the road are dressed casually and have a calm demeanor. At that time, I was quite familiar with the area around Hufang Road, especially the song and dance troupe where Humong is located. Go in and walk around, say hello to the girls there, and even recognize many handsome guys who are dancing.I ended up being alone that summer, and secretly, I think writing novels is killing me, because without writing scripts, I don't have the opportunity to go to many parties, not even the most boring script conferences, just go there and say something I can still receive three to five hundred yuan, and now all this is gone. I have built a new life for myself, which is to revolve around boredom. I can’t write novels, and I don’t want to accept scripts. I started to read philosophy. Books, who would have lost his appetite the moment he saw Aristotle, and could not read other things, the time originally occupied by reading gave way to smoking one after another, and the music was tiresome, Going to the cinema to watch a movie for even half an hour is hard to hold on to. In the past, everything that Beijing could attract me made me tired. As a kind of pastime, artistic life is actually as boring as other life. At that time, I was very interested in sitting The life of a goose watching performances in public buildings such as theaters is also very boring. Buying a stack of newspapers on the street is not for reading, but for throwing it anywhere anytime and anywhere as a cushion.This state of laziness disappointed me, because at that time I had not considered idleness as my way of life, so I privately thought that I was in what Schopenhauer said between one desire and another. The blank area, that is, the flea market where boredom, anxiety, worry, depression and other ominous things gather. 96 一天下午，我到中影公司去会一个人，一起吃完晚饭已是9点多钟，回来路过虎坊路时，我停了车，走进歌舞团，在传达室门口昏暗的灯光下，我看到嗡嗡正在那里转来转去，她穿着一条长及脚踝的碎花裙子，头发挽在脑后，两只手臂晃荡着，一副闲得要死的样子，于是就约她到外面的路边转转，她倒是挺高兴，告诉我她刚才买了两根冰棍想自己吃，谁知一根才吃到一半，便碰到一个同学，把她的另一根冰棍给抢走了，＂要是早知道，我每根冰棍都咬上一口，那样就不会眼睁睁地看着冰棍被抢了。＂ 于是，我们来到位于虎坊路丁字路口的一个二十四小时便利店前，我让她到里面挑冷饮，正好，门口的洋伞下有两个空座，我坐在一把椅子上，要了一筒冰镇可口可乐，用吸管一点点喝，嗡嗡挑了一盒冰淇淋出来，坐在我旁边用小木勺一口一口吃，我们有一搭没一搭地说着话，她那时和我已经很熟了，还问我下一步要追团里的哪个姑娘，我随便说了几个名字，她便帮我一一分析，在她眼里，她们团的姑娘个个表面看起来疯疯颠颠，骨子里却恨不得像白雪公主那样纯得流油儿，让我觉得谁要是能跟她们团的姑娘混在一起，简直是三生有幸，现在看来，她说得很对，但她不知道，她是其中最好的一个。 97 几天以后的一个夜晚，我再次路过嗡嗡所在的歌舞团，因为急着要方便，于是就近停车，走进团里上厕所，厕所位于排练室旁边，我摸黑走了进去，厕所里有盏声控自灭灯，也就是说，如果10秒钟内不发出任何声响，它就会自动熄灭，使厕所陷入一片黑暗，于是，一个大便的人便不得不蹲在那里，不停地为自己鼓掌，或是吹口哨，尖叫，一副为什么东西喝彩的样子，总之，为了保证灯光明亮，我只得不停地弄出些声响，我认为这样做十分不文明，这种公共设施有其惊人的不方便之处，从这一细节，我联想到人们对自己极不人道的控制，事实上，在歌舞团里，这涉及节约用电，在这个问题上，人们面临两种选择，要么使人具有公共道德，养成随手关灯的习惯，要么利用一个带有延时的触电器来管理灯光，显然，人们选择了后者，这说明，人们是多么地不相信自己，而宁可相信一个廉价开关。 我出了厕所，来到嗡嗡所在的宿舍，我敲门进去，发现里面只有嗡嗡一人，她告诉我，团里放了假，同学们全走了，她家住在云南，往返时间加起来正好与假期相当，而且，她没有钱给她的小表妹们买礼物，于是，就选择了在宿舍里呆着，她叫我没事时来看她，并且说，前几天她的同学还在议论她，说她和一个男的在一起聊天喝冷饮，由于灯光暗淡，她们没有发现那个男的就是我，她一副成为一个新闻人物的高兴样子，看来这种事情对她来讲实在太少，要知道，在道听途说的＂男人没有一个是好东西＂的理论影响之下，作为歌舞团里的最后一个处女，她已渐渐成为一个不太坚定的独身主义者。 我与她聊一会儿天，带她去外面吃了点东西，然后回了家。 临走时，她对我说：＂你没事时要来看我呀，不然我就不给你介绍女朋友啦！＂这个声音出自一个离家千里的小姑娘的口中，在我听来，十分可怜，并且，特别动人。 我被她的声音深深打动了，以至于终于干了一件对不起她的事，即，满腔柔情地诱奸了她。 98 第二天，我又去看她，心里已暗下决心，准备跟她混上一阵儿，为了保证能够成功地诱奸她，我先带她去东单逛街，我们逛了整条街的所有时装专卖店，我给她买了一条裤子，一件紧身短袖上衣，花了不足300元，她拒不接受我的礼物，在我让她试衣时，她逃跑了，躲在一根电线杆后面，我找到她还真费了点劲，经过一番艰苦的说服工作，她终于试穿了我为她买的新装，后来，我们继续逛街，她走在我的身边，我觉得她感到有点不好意思，她是一个完美无缺的好女孩，而好女孩的特点之一，就是不轻易接受别人的东西。要知道，在舞蹈演员里，好女孩是少之又少的，要想成为好女孩，就得忍受物质生活的匮乏及精神上的苦闷，还得有足够的个性来抵制生活条件上的相互攀比，当然，这是有原因的。 99 这里要特别说明的是，在舞蹈学院学习跳舞的姑娘有一个传统的出人头地的办法，那就是傍大款，也就是，为自己弄到一个不管什么样的有钱人，并从他的手里弄到高档消费品，这个传统使得姑娘们不得不过早地学会卖弄姿色，过早地失身，在通往社会时尚为她们指引的方向上前赴后继，由于她们的真挚及缺少天赋，她们之中能办成这件事儿的人少之又少，当然，这是与模特、演员及歌手相比之后得出的结论，实际上，她们是一些被训练出来的体力劳动者，她们所受的艺术教育需要高昂的培训费，这笔培训费花得很不合算，因为她们毕业后仅仅获得了一个拥有舞蹈技巧的身体，而没有获得任何创造力，不幸的是，在她们支付了培训费用之后，她们会发现，社会根本没有能力消费她们的劳动技能及成果，也就是说，社会上能够欣赏她们艺术的人少而又少，人们不会欣赏她们的形体造型艺术，人们不愿花几十块钱买票看她们的演出，反倒是愿意花上更多的钱把她们弄到床上去消费。这个恶性循环也根植于传统，事实上，中国的歌舞伎起源于特权阶层的后院，由私人供养，私人消费，由于制度的变迁，舞蹈演员们被从后院扔到了社会上，与传统的跑江湖的戏班子混为一谈，这如同把一株花朵从温室移到荒野里，与野花野草争夺阳光及养料，结果当然可想而知。 更何况，她们的舞蹈还面临舶来品的竞争，尽管中国古典舞拥有非凡的艺术品位与难以估量的传统艺术价值，但在非常势利的只会崇洋媚外的普通人眼中，在舞台上，一个穿着土里土气民族服装的姑娘，其观赏价值怎么能与一个随时随地露着大腿及内裤的纯洁的天使或公主相提并论呢？况且，这些天使的下流姿态明显地更能迎合一般观众的心意，虽然她们只会找操似的踮起脚尖，蹶着屁股摆出几个固定的手位，当然，她们也能在舞台上多次分开大腿，加上转几个圈子，这样使观众可以方便地把她们的周身前后上下看个痛快，而不必费心跑上舞台去围着演员绕圈子，这怎么能不被热爱艺术的臭农民们说成是无尽的享受呢？在这里，我谈的是趣味粗俗的传统芭蕾舞，也许只有这么下流的传统才能这么有生命力，我还要特别说一下芭蕾舞绷脚尖的动作，众所周知，女性只在性高潮来临之际才会做出绷脚尖的动作，在平时，这个动作十分多余，一般被看成是不自然的，然而，芭蕾舞却始终让姑娘们保持着这个象征性高潮的动作，没完没了地用绷起的脚尖在空中乱划一气，更可气的是，男演员即使毫无必要，也要跟着姑娘们一起绷脚尖，真不知是什么意思！ 在这里，我想举出《天鹅湖》这一保留剧目，为了让赖蛤蟆观众产生吃到天鹅肉的幻想，这出剧目中不惜让小天鹅们穿上与传统的裙子开口相反的短裙，更牛头不对马嘴的是，配乐却使用擅长涕泪齐下的柴可夫斯基的芭蕾音乐，真搞不清这是如何强拉硬扯上的！当然，要是硬解释也成，作为一个著名同性恋者，也许硬说老柴对撅着屁股晃来晃去的天鹅的姿态有点感触似乎也无不可，但这十分牵强，可以从中看出，外国人为了在荒唐方面赶超中国的小脚也做出过不懈的努力，现在他们终于可以号称独占鳌头了，我是指，除了中国少数两三个芭蕾舞团受了外国人的骗以外，中国妇女的脚现在都保持着自然健康的姿态，这非常值得庆幸，说明芭蕾做为一种西方变态色情造型艺术，它在亚洲的殖民过程中遇到不少阻碍。为了说清芭蕾真面目，还有一点我需提及，那就是传统芭蕾所演绎的可笑故事，像什么鼓吹不劳而获的《灰姑娘》呀，什么《胡桃夹子》呀，什么《水仙女》呀，这些荒唐幼稚的胡说八道是让正常的成年人看的吗？芭蕾舞，这种早该失传的装腔作势的艺术形式，居然在现代仍能够合乎某些人奇特的审美需要，并在中国大有市场，真叫我觉得无聊，算了，不说也罢。 话题接回前面。 国家为了保证传统的舞蹈艺术不失传而设立了舞蹈学院这一机构，却无法为此负担费用，于是，这些费用摊派给社会上各式各样的杂牌艺术保护人，他们欣然把舞蹈学院接管成自己的后宫，但他们由于缺乏应有的艺术教育，不会欣赏相应的艺术，而只对艺术的表现实体感兴趣，就像那种不爱喝锅里的汤，却盯着锅看个没完的人一样，这种情况当然使姑娘们不满意，在她们看来，要摆脱这个环境十分艰难，但值得尝试，于是这些小花小朵便八仙过海，各显其能，加之她们身上还有中国人特有的喜爱投机取巧的国民特征，于是很多人义无反顾地走上了傍款之路，促使她们这样做的原因还包括她们的工作环境，那个环境没有给她们提供丝毫的成功机会，把她们逼得只能冲向邪门歪道，不是我为像嗡嗡这样的优秀的中国古典舞演员打抱不平，而是事实如此，我看着中国古老而优雅的舞蹈渐渐失传，看着一个农民土款出几个小钱，竟能使中国国家剧院的姑娘们跟着团团转，这种在世界上独树一帜的现象，真是叫我有说不出的痛心。在这里，我还随手提及那些更不走运的男舞蹈演员们，事实上，他们才是舞蹈艺术真正的牺牲品，他们中除极个别出类拔萃的人以外，几乎普遍地无路可走。 当然，这些不是我做的有关舞蹈界的报告，而是完全的题外话。 100 逛完街天已经黑了，我与嗡嗡到了红宝乐，这是一个位于崇文门的老西餐馆，里面的西餐做得十分简单，但却带着不少我年轻生活的回忆，我记得一个菜名起得特别下流，叫做＂红烩泥肠＂，这个菜名在我的大学时代被用来特指＂闯红灯＂，也就是经期乱搞，当然，交通警对此无能为力。 进了红宝乐，没想到已是今非昔比，里面重新装修过，为了表明餐馆的路数依然保持恶俗，墙上特地挂了几张胡涂乱抹的小幅油画，在这样的环境里，我向嗡嗡讲起了我的大学生活，听得她东西都没吃进去，我想，处女与一个像我这样的活流氓在一起，这种反应实属正常，但我尽量把我的劣迹从实讲来，讲到忘情处，不惜添油加醋，我摆出一副不以为耻反以为荣的架势，绘声绘色地向嗡嗡描述我的浪荡生活，一方面，我想让她为以后有个准备，另一方面，我可不想干着流氓事却装英雄，我向她重点强调的是，我是一个无可救药的下流痞，而提醒她对这个下流痞不要抱什么指望，再一方面，我也要为诱奸她之后、脱身之时铺垫一下，我不愿意骗她，但却愿意骗骗自己，为了以后使我觉得心安，觉得自己没有干什么见不得人的欺骗勾当，为了说明，我可是大鸣大放地来的，没有隐瞒什么――但是，嗡嗡太小了，她哪里能明白我的暗示，事实上，她虽然不时骂我几句恶心之外，几乎没表示什么，好像我讲的都是别人的事一样。