Chapter 25 241-250

241 When I got home, I walked downstairs first, the windows were dark, I took a little luck, went upstairs and opened the door, I turned on the light, there was no one in the hall, the bedroom was quiet, I turned on the light, The bed was neat and tidy, and there was no one in the study either.I went to the kitchen and turned on the light, but there was still no one there.I went to the balcony, turned on the light, the balcony was empty, and the clothes hanging in the memory disappeared, and finally, I went into the bathroom, turned on the light, and there was no one.I walked back into the hall, and there was an echo in the silent hall

In the desperate silence, I heard my heart beating faster, and the cry seemed to be stuck in my throat. I calmed down and lit a cigarette subconsciously, as if it only took a second to smoke it. I lit another one and smoked at the same speed. The ash fell dirty on my chest. Suddenly, I thought that Yuan Xiaochen might leave me a note when he left, explaining what she would say in the end. If so, maybe she would put it somewhere quietly, so that I could accidentally see that this is like her style, so I jumped up and rushed to the dining table like a chicken without a head, no.I quickly walked to the desk, no, no.I came to the bed and looked at the bedside table, no, no, no.I went into the kitchen, looked at the counter, no, nothing.I went back to the hall, and then subconsciously looked at the brightly lit room again. In the silence, I heard my footsteps on the floor, my breathing became heavier, and my steps staggered. Up there, I couldn't help but feel dizzy, so I lay down on the bed, a desire to tear myself apart, for a moment, I don't know why, I thought that she might be standing proudly under my window, watching My dark shadow was swimming in the room, so I got up and turned off the lights, then quietly lay on the window sill and looked out. There was no one on the small lawn downstairs, and there was nothing under the dim street lights. I couldn’t bear it any longer. I couldn't help but rushed out of the house and went around twice downstairs, looking for her figure. When I was walking, for a while, I seemed to hear her footsteps and felt that she was playing hide-and-seek with me. As soon as his legs were weak, he sat on the grass downstairs, his head drooping weakly to his chest, enduring the faint stabbing pain in the darkness, and swallowed his tears desolately and helplessly.

242 I woke up after only two hours of sleep. I felt dry mouth, sore throat, and a few hard spots on my face. I could feel pain when I pressed them. I knew I was on fire. I wanted to sleep again, but I couldn’t sleep again. No, a crazy strong wind blew up at night, I got up, couldn't stay in the house, so I went to the street, first went to buy a new mobile phone, inserted the card, and, in the mobile phone shop, put the The battery was fully charged, and I went to the newsstand to buy two fashion magazines. I looked at the beauties on them one by one, thinking about what type to find in the future. Slowly, I found that my mood was extremely gloomy, so I felt ashamed. Well, I turned on the phone, but there was no information on it. I called Yao Jingjing and told her tactfully that her bag was left in my car, but Yao Jingjing said coldly: "There is nothing useful in the bag. Leave it with you, I'm busy with something right now." After hanging up the phone, a kind of chicken-and-egg feeling came to my heart, recalling that the magazine said just now, walking on the street with a bouquet of flowers in hand will make people feel happy , so I wanted to do that. After walking around for a long time, I found a flower shop, bought a lot of flowers, and then hugged them in my arms and walked to the street. I really felt a kind of dizzy happiness. Walking with the flowers, the sun falls from the sky like a rainstorm, and it is like a lie that makes life more exciting.Suddenly, an idea came to my mind, that is to give these flowers to Yuan Xiaochen. I thought that when she got off work, I would hold these flowers and wait downstairs in her office building, but then I thought about it, and a bad scene appeared. Because she didn't get out of the elevator with her colleagues, but with her ex-boyfriend-so I hurriedly put this unfortunate thought to rest, and after walking two blocks, I changed my mind and decided not to send her flowers. Giving it to myself hypocritically, I want the lies I deliberately weave, I want to be in a good mood, I convince myself that today will be a day that I experience a good day.

243 As a matter of fact, my day was so unpleasant that I spent it in thoughts that were not good for me. In the evening, I slept for a while, only half an hour, and then woke up, bored. I went downstairs again, got out of the car I took Yao Jingjing's bag, went home, took out the contents one by one, and looked through them. There were quite a lot of things. In addition to the necessary cosmetics for female white-collar workers, there was actually a thick business card book and a handheld computer. Thinking that she is not in a hurry to get these things, it seems that she has changed her mind.I put Yao Jingjing's things back into the bag and hung them on the hanger at the door. I immediately felt an unknown fire against myself. I thought about myself hanging out all day and all night, wasting money and wasting time. Nothing, no happiness, but making myself half crazy, the more I think about it, the more I blame myself, and I can't get angry. Damn, when will this life of a bastard with no hope and purpose end? Woolen cloth?But what if I ended this career?The answer is just depression and confusion. Maybe the world is a dark maze for everyone. You can neither get out nor go back. If you don’t like what you have, there is no way out until your strength is exhausted. Otherwise, you can only pretend to live vigorously, first deceive yourself with a mission and responsibility, and then use it to deceive others, win the respect of fools, enter a shameless so-called virtuous circle, let yourself I get encouragement, and then go to encourage others indiscriminately, so I can live in harmony with this world and have a good life. Unfortunately, I have never been able to do this kind of thing. After seeing my own selfish desires clearly, it is difficult to think It has value, but if it has no value, it will be difficult for me to work hard to satisfy those selfish desires. In a word, I can't figure out what it means to "live well", and how can I live well?

244 Even from a physical point of view, love is a very complicated emotion. If we divide this world into every small thing, how many things worthy of love can we find in it?What's more, we know almost nothing about most things. To love nature is easy to say. How can you love nature when a lightning strikes you half to death?Of course, you dare to say it when you hack someone else, it's just nonsense that has nothing to do with you. How hard it is to extract something lovely from the little we know!Maybe only those who are very lucky will talk about love. In my opinion, talking about love is more sincere than talking about luck. However, luck is always very complicated and almost impossible to talk about.The world shows people thousands of things, but people can only be embarrassed and nervous by these things, and what else can they do? 245

I spent the whole day in cranky thoughts, and at night, I gradually became overwhelmed and attributed everything to failure. The strange thing is, when I think of failure, I calm down instead, and there is nothing worse than failure. Comfort me, well, it’s nothing, emotional frustration is only a small part of failure in life, I can’t accept it, when I admit the failure of the whole life, I can’t feel overly sad for the failure of a part of life. A little bit of fun in life, now that you are tired of dismantling it, the fun is gone. Instead, you are more interested in seeing how bad life can be. Isn't it a failure?What’s the big deal, think about it, when I’m old, maybe I’m only longing for two more bites for the next meal, or I’m seriously ill, before I die, I only dream of giving me an extra injection Morphine, tell me not to be so painful that I can't sleep for a moment. In the end, everything will fail, and I can really feel at ease, isn't it just such a thing?

Think about it—since the whole world is slowly leaving me, what's new if one thing in the world leaves me?I can't be so unpromising, grab everything and never let go, grab one is another, the vicious ones, let's forget it. 246 That night, during Yuan Xiaochen's off-duty time, the doorbell rang on time. I opened the door, and she was standing at the door with an unnatural expression, trying to squeeze in, I reached out to block her. "Let me in," she said. "Not today." I said hesitantly. "Why not?" she asked sternly. "There's someone inside." I answered her cruelly.

"Call me in!" She squeezed in. I don't move. She froze for a moment, then her body softened, and I felt that she was still subconsciously arching in, but she was extremely powerless. "Really not." I stepped up and said again. She stopped, stood up straight, looked at me, tears welled up, she reached out to wipe them away, but to no avail, more tears welled up and ran down her cheeks. "I hate you," she said, wiping away tears, and then, "I hate you." "Goodbye." I stepped back and tried to close the door, but she stood against it, staring at me, and whispered, "Really?"

I opened the door a little wider and pointed her to Yao Jingjing's backpack hanging on the hanger in the hall. From her eyes, I believe she recognized it. "I hate you." She slammed the door hard on me, so hard I almost cried out. She turned around and walked down the stairs. The sound of footsteps changed from near to far, and there seemed to be something unusual in the middle. I felt that one of her steps was not very good. I was worried whether she had sprained her foot, but the footsteps continued, and then ,Disappeared. 247 The ending is always as flat as the beginning.Do you want to get excited?Going to the street and buying a needle for a dime and pricking yourself is enough. Generally speaking, people are such thrill-seeking animals. What is life?

248 "Why did you lie to me?" More than a month later, on a snowy night, Yuan Xiaochen came to me and asked me this question as soon as I entered the door. I didn't want to say it, so I walked into the hall and looked away. "You're jealous, don't deny it." She took off her coat, hung it on the hanger, and chased me. I poured her a cup of boiling water and put it on the table. After a while, she began to cry, and said intermittently: "You deceived me." After all, she continued to cry. I waited for her to finish crying, but she didn't stop, she just kept crying, and the crying became more and more severe, even hysterical, for some reason, the way she cried scared me, so I gently pushed her , she blocked my hand with all her strength, and I didn't reach out any more. Gradually, her crying stopped, she wiped away her tears with the back of her hand, her face slowly returned to calm, her eyes looked at her feet, her face was expressionless , after a long silence, she slowly raised her head, looked at me, and I looked at her, until the staring made me feel an ominous premonition, in fact, it was a real fear, I I was afraid that she would open her mouth to speak, I didn't want to hear it, I didn't want to hear a word, but she still spoke, her tone was flat, but every word was bitten clearly.

"You ruined us." A cold feeling hit my heart.I know what she means by that, I know how my stupid damn vanity crushed our love, I know I love her, but it's over. We sat there for an hour at a time and I reached out, reached out to her, ready to be knocked down by her hand, but she didn't, and I touched her, and I touched her deeper, and she gave me a faint smile , and then pressed her hand on mine, our hands were clasped together, and then twisted together, we all used the greatest force, her hand seemed to be crushed by me, I heard her joints There was a light ring, and another light ring, but she still kept that faint smile on her face, and the corners of her mouth twitched. I knew she was trying hard to hide her pain. I think she had succeeded, because she The tears did not really fall. "One last time," she said softly. Immediately, she took me to the bedroom, let go of her hand, undressed in front of me, and showed her small and charming body in front of my eyes, her body looked so familiar, so kind, so helpless Denial, in fact, of her body grieves me. 249 Well, well, I don't want to talk about the old heart-breaking sorrow anymore, I think I know something now, I forget even the regrets, my mind goes blank, but I still know, Her body was filled with intense pain. She looked at me, a smile flashed across her face, and then she let out a long sigh, lying flat on the bed behind her, her eyes no longer looking at me , but looking at the roof, the roof is white, I think she can see it. I hesitated, and for a moment, I realized that she was right, she had understood everything, even earlier than I understood, and I knew that she would win in the end, because my body had given the answer, and I turned to her Falling down—I couldn't bear her, I didn't understand this until the last moment. 250 Two days later, we had a break-up meal together. In a restaurant we frequented, we didn’t talk much. The atmosphere was sad and sad. I asked her what plans she had in the future, and she said that she would go abroad to study for an MBA. She analyzed the challenges she will face in social life as a white-collar worker. In short, she spoke clearly and logically. I have never heard her talk so wordy. Even she herself felt that the more she talked, the more boring she was. Stop, trying to connect a voice between the two of us, but she finally stopped, I called the waiter, reached out to pay the bill, she opened her small bag, quickly slipped a discount card into my hand, like a gift Give me a memory of the first acquaintance, for a while, I suddenly felt sad, I grabbed her hand, together with the discount card in her hand, the card was immediately folded in half, suddenly, disappointing tears Almost bursting out of my eyes, she glanced at me, the corner of her mouth twitched, and then said with a smile: "Look at you, are you still a romance writer? You're really useless."