Chapter 26 251-258

251 Coming out of the restaurant, my mind was in a mess, a deep sense of failure permeated my heart, lingering, I didn't start the car, but I walked past my car without knowing the direction In a fit, strangely remembering the last time we had sex, I remembered her words, "the last time". However, the last time it was a failure. 252 I remember holding her in my arms, I can completely remember the despair in my heart, and her body was seized by lust in an instant, we had a smooth start, and she suddenly asked me in a hoarse voice: "Yes Is it the last time?" I stopped and nodded.

Then, everything changed, I think she started to be uncooperative, then looked at herself, at me with a self-loathing expression, and finally she resisted herself, she pushed me away, straightened up, and suddenly slapped herself Slapped, I saw her wrestle with the willpower of the emotions that came naturally, her face contorted, I was shocked by the way she looked, I was dumbfounded, scared and ashamed, her emotional way was powerful but unnatural, she was fighting with her mind Struggling in the chaos of the body, self-torture, self-punishment, the will triumphs, but the innocence is lost, she defeats natural emotion, becomes a piece of steel, and her love becomes an intransitive verb.

Now, she is standing opposite me, no longer a dream, no longer beautiful and sweet, but still tightly bound by lust, her heart is beating powerfully, her whole body is hot, I hold her cold hand, and sigh like a groan, I hoped that the lust would recede from me like a tide, and I did it. On the way to send her home half an hour later, I changed the songs on the CD one by one, gritted my teeth, and for a moment, I wanted to She spoke, told her that her restraint felt unnatural and repulsive to me, but I didn't say so, and she sat next to me, staring ahead like a box of expired ice cream. 253

I remember the moment we turned, at the moment when my belly was close to hers, my lust shot out like a bullet, it was a near-perfect closeness, like two suction cups sucking each other, I used One hand supported her slender and thin waist, which turned from stiff to soft, but could not be broken. At that moment, her eyes were so round, I guess she was like me, caught by the sudden Shocked by the perfect feeling, she seemed to be stunned, I was delighted, but she was restrained, resolute and ruthless, she gritted her teeth, maintaining a resolute posture of refusal, as if suddenly stretching out a fist in the dark Sharp scissors, snapped off the wings of lust, failure controlled everything, I felt she was terribly rejecting herself, rejecting me, I tried to keep it, but she got up resolutely, got dressed and got out of bed, rushed to the bathroom, her thin figure It made me feel unspeakably saddened to pass me pitifully and hollowly, and to disappear into the light outside the door, leaving me in the dark.So swiftly and astonishingly ended the sad scene, and I sat still deeper in the dark, far removed from the dry cold early winter air outside the window, and on this absurd night, I wanted to visit the last sweetness with her, and the door opened But it was cruel and weird. I think she defeated her ego deep down, but I felt a kind of dark disappointment and helplessness.

Anyway, that was the final failure. 254 After another three months, I received an unsigned email saying: "I'm fine and I hope you're fine too. I'm studying MBA in Canada now, and it's going well. There is a man here who seizes on my weakness of not having a boyfriend and pursues me, saying that I look like Cecilia Cheung, and I despise him for the time being, but if he insists that I am prettier than Cecilia Cheung, I may become short-sighted because of studying hard Just allow him to treat me to a steak. He must have looked like Edison Chen’s worthless and silly brother twenty years ago, only a little better than you. If I look at it, I will think of old smoking guns and stinky dung. Spoon.

Also, I hope you will ask me for advice before you decide to pursue Cecilia Cheung. I will never lend you money, but I will lend you a few pleasant Hong Kong dialects, plus Spanish fly water and the like. Once you use it, it will work , Thinking of how stupid you are, I'm really worried that after drinking the medicine by mistake, you accidentally hurt the old lady who sells tea eggs on the street, so that the newspapers will say you in big black letters, the writer who is not as good as a beast, other writers will also look for it when they see the newspaper You are endless, so you will offend too many people, so, out of good intentions, when dating Cecilia Cheung, I hope you call me, I am afraid that she will say Hong Kong curse words to you, without me as an interpreter, you will not be able to hear a word Understand.The last little suggestion is, if you are kicked to the bed by her, I hope you don’t kneel and cry by the bed, listening to your cry is my patent, I hope you have a little self-respect, touch the American-made gift I gave you from under the bed Small bomb, light it up, throw it into the bed, and then run out on hind legs, call me after hearing the explosion, let me know that you have committed a crime, and report the crime for you, so that the police uncles will come to arrest you, Lest you have to surrender yourself in a panic and at your own expense.Hahaha.

I wish you no sweat this summer. " The letter is not signed, but I know it was written by Yuan Xiaochen. She has pulled my hair several times and forced me to call her Cecilia Cheung, but she called me Edison Chen's worthless and stupid brother. To my relief, in the letter, She still uses the cute accent, which can't be changed. 255 That night, I dreamed of Yuan Xiaochen's breathing, which was soft, sweet, and comforting. I also dreamed that she was sleeping beside my pillow, deeper than mine. I remembered that I kissed her, and when she was not when you know.I also dreamed of a huge green leaf, which turned the sunlight passing through it into pale green. I still remember Yuan Xiaochen standing under the leaf and staring at the sun and rain in the sky in a daze. A rainbow of seven colors was slanted across Behind her, I remember her calm posture, which is really empty and charming.

256 After this letter, I never heard from Yuan Xiaochen again, but I know that she still lives in this world, just separated from me by time and space. 257 After half a year after the breakup, I was relieved from this incident, and I was happy that she finally gained the upper hand. The price was high anyway-she taught me loyalty with her love, and I used my love to teach me loyalty. Vanity taught her to be strong, but what's the use of knowing this?We each retained our bigotry and prejudice, but missed true love, and I know that from now on, we will all have to be more cunning.Well, what else is there to say?Living in our filthy world, we seldom get what we love, and when we do we are foolish enough not to recognize it, but everything is inevitable.

258 However, one night, I put down the phone and sat under the lamp alone, thinking that I had gained something from this story, it really added a touch of absurdity to my grief and loneliness, haha, my readers, As you might expect, I get heartbreak, I deserve it, and I guess I like it, because from the sound of heartbreak softly, I feel like I'm living well, and I'm not ashamed Turning on the computer, facing the shiny monitor, scribbled frank and tacky stories: shabby trusts, self-defeating decisions, slaves to old habits, snobbish misery, that's all, that's all. However, these embarrassing and bastard bits and pieces of the past in these memories, these poor leftovers, are being buried or collected gracefully by the words squeezed together, like curses and blessings rising from the dark, I heard the disappearing voice resounding, Whispering with the rustling night wind blowing outside the window, talking about those boring trifles of life, those mortal things wandering in the streets and alleys, those moving and forgetting that race against time, those sad and blind life impulses before we die. (full text)