Chapter 23 221-230

221 I can no longer recall those thoughts of headaches, lethargy, and despair. They should have been erased like dust, but they were not erased. They were eager to try, wedged into my life like nails, and firmly occupied An important corner, a nasty corner. In the middle of the night, amidst the pattering autumn rain outside the window, Yuan Xiaochen lay on my chest. I was dreaming, but was touched by her slowly moving lips. I opened my eyes and felt Yuan Xiaochen's face pressed against my chest. next to my ears. "Can't sleep?" I asked casually. "I love you." Her voice was real and clear, sudden and sincere in the silent room.

"What is loving me?" I sighed and asked. "I love you, but I just want you to fuck me alone." Yuan Xiaochen repeated her superstition to me again. "It's that simple?" I woke up, realizing that I was speaking to her, that friendly evening conversations like this don't happen often between us. "Yes, it's that simple, I know you'll laugh at me." She said softly, "I really want to laugh at you, but I can't laugh because you speak so seriously." "It's right if you can't laugh, but I want to tell you very seriously," she poked her head very close to me, and lowered her voice, "I don't know what's wrong, I just want you to be alone Fuck me, no one else."

"why?" "Because I tried." "I tried it, how did you try it?" "Yesterday my ex-boyfriend came back from Hong Kong and asked me to have dinner together. After dinner, he went to his room in the hotel to talk. While talking, he came up and wanted to fuck me." "how about you?" "I, I thought of my old love, so I took off my clothes." "and after?" "Later he fucked me just like before, but at the very beginning, I felt something was wrong." "What's wrong?" "I found that my body didn't accept him, and I felt very uncomfortable. It felt a bit like nausea. I suddenly felt that he was disgusting, so I pushed him away, got dressed, and left."

"why?" "Because I think of you, I feel that I belong to you, belong to you, and be loyal to you. I just want to be loyal to you. I know, you don't care about such things, but this idea comes from my heart. I think it is I really thought about it, so I did it according to my idea. I'm sorry," she paused in the dark, and then sighed, "It's easier to say it." "How do you know I don't care?" I asked. "Do you care?" I didn't answer her, sex and fidelity, old habits run in the blood, reason and emotion, how should I say it?

"How about others?" "I never believed him. I have heard too many lies from him before and after. I can't believe him." "So, do you think he will marry you in the future?" "No, he is a person who looks at the height of the mountain. I know that even if he marries me after divorce, he will still think of others. He will put a price on everything, and it is the same for women. In his eyes, it's just a thought of whether it's worth it or not, to suffer or take advantage of." "Oh, really." "What's the matter?"

"I don't know what to say. By the way, when you guys were hanging out together, did you think there was anything about him that made you feel uncomfortable?" "That's not true. He's just too busy. He's a businessman. A businessman pays more attention to profit than parting ways." "Did you want to be with him every day?" "If I like somebody, I want to be with him every day. Oh, yes, there's a little thing I don't like about him—" "Which point?" "It's just that he always invites me to a date in a hotel room. Every time he goes on a date, he wants to fuck me. I don't like him fucking me in a hotel. Even the best hotel makes me feel uncomfortable. It's better to be in a dilapidated place." in the house."

"why?" "Because it makes me feel like a chicken." "Anyway, it's over," I said. "Yes, right now," she put her arms around me, "I just want you to fuck me alone." I hugged her, for her anxiety, for her pain, for her disappointment with the opposite sex, as always, I was moved by her beautiful words and beautiful determination, and as always, I understood her thoughts And sigh, I know that all love is held back by interests, people exchange love with each other, just like converting the numbers in a credit card into commodities, I understand that the man in Yuan Xiaochen's eyes is the same as the woman in my eyes, I didn't say anything, Because I have understood the fragility of her dreams, now, we are still outside the rules, but after dawn, the rules will come uninvited, we created laughter and tears outside the rules, because we need a memory that was once free , whether our will is done or broken, we will get nothing in the end, and the comfort is that we have all done our best for that purpose, isn't it good?

After a while, seeing that I didn't answer, she said quietly: "You must never pin your hopes on men." Maybe she didn't realize it, but it was the most powerful sentence she'd ever said. 222 Don't tell me you love me, don't tell me you miss me, unless you really love me or miss me. I know, I can't be with you anymore, but you don't know, you don't know at all, but I'm leaving, I know, I have to go, by your side, I can't stretch, I'm surrounded by your affection Constrained by the narrow will of the You are so lovely and so perfect. 223

Because hope or despair is always there, every breakup is like winning the lottery. Weak and obsessive infatuation is sad but also exciting. Whether it is active or passive, through breaking up, people say goodbye to familiar things, just like saying goodbye. A failed business, a lingering party is always moving, it's the power of compassion, and I'm forever sorry for that power. Of course, there are more things that make me regret, all related to setbacks, life is sharpened meaninglessly because of setbacks, and in the end I can only reluctantly admit the friendship of death, love and hatred are the patents of fools, a waste of time, It makes people short-sighted and makes life lack a sense of integrity. Unfortunately, people have nowhere to go without joy, anger, sorrow, and joy. There are some universe passes with instruction manuals issued on the market, some issued by Christ and some issued by Buddha. It's a pity that the world of mortals has made me die hard, and there is no turning back.No matter how hard you try to identify yourself, the self is still just a suspicious question mark, a short-lived desert, and everything is so funny and attractive when you suddenly realize it. Embarrassment, I have listened carefully to distinguish, in the day and night, let the unyielding and powerful whispers of the losers linger in my heart, I think that is the most cordial greeting that life sends to this world.

224 It's hard to say what failure is, just like it's hard to say the feeling of being hit head-on again and again, the will to have nothing to cling to, helplessness and discouragement, complete relaxation, so depressed and gloomy, but it seems so overwhelming when spoken out. Freedom, so bright, here, I give up the comparison between people, to seek the common fear within human nature, to observe the illusoryness of the flower of the phenomenon, I am quiet because of the comfort after feeling sad, this is I, that is Yuan Xiaochen, this is love, that is interest, you are me, I am you, in short, it is all naming a certain emotional way, every naming is like a bullet accurately crushing a ball Bubble of lies, only failed actions are true, and only truth is unimaginable.

225 One afternoon, I was talking about a biography with a Hong Kong producer in the coffee shop of the Wangfu Hotel. The funder was a rich man with strong strength. He aimed to write a book to tell people about his struggle history, without considering commercial returns. I don’t know why I was chosen to write this book, and I believe that I can write soul-stirringly, and the writing conditions are quite favorable. In order to be authentic and credible, I can freely interview the family members, relatives and friends of the author, and even business opponents, and all related expenses All can be paid in advance. Since the master has traveled all over Southeast Asia, I can freely hire assistants. This is a very good job and can broaden my horizons, so I agreed. After talking about this matter, I see Looking at his watch, it happened that it was almost time for Yuan Xiaochen to get off work, so he called her, and it happened to pick her up, or they could have dinner together. To my surprise, she hesitated in agreeing, saying that time was a little tight because she was going on a business trip at night, so I drove downstairs to the company where she worked, picked her up, and ate at a nearby restaurant called Zenku After a meal, I talked about writing my biography while eating. I said that I could ask her to be my translator, earn a lot of money, and we could go to Southeast Asia together. She was very happy to hear that, after the meal Anyway, I was fine, so I offered to send her to the airport. To my surprise, she didn't show joy, but was a little nervous and said that it was unnecessary. I suddenly felt that something was wrong, so I said, then I'll go back home. Yuan Xiaochen stopped me, and explained to me in an unnatural tone, saying that it was not because he didn't want me to take it off, but because he thought I had to drive back alone, which was too troublesome. She seemed to be reluctantly pretending to be happy, and went back to the company to pick up her business trip luggage. I sent her to the airport waiting room, and when I looked at my watch, I arrived an hour early. There was nothing to talk to me in the car, which made me feel like she was hiding something from me. Out of malice, I didn't ask her directly, but drove the car directly to the parking lot, and then took the luggage and talked with her. Walking towards the waiting room together, Yuan Xiaochen looked flustered and didn't have the heart to talk to me at all. Her face was cloudy and clear, and she looked left and right, which made my malice worse. I passed her, and deliberately took her to drink a cup of coffee in the coffee shop next to the waiting room. She opened the bag from time to time, and while I was not paying attention, I looked at the phone inside. I knew that she must have dialed it to silent. Soon, my malice finally came to fruition, and the scene that gave her a headache came, her ex-boyfriend, alone, carrying a travel bag, walked past the coffee shop in front of us, as if looking for something, I secretly smiled , Yuan Xiaochen pretended to be calm and squirmed on the seat. When I estimated that her ex-boyfriend was about to transfer back, I paid the bill and walked out of the coffee shop with her. I bumped into her ex-boyfriend who is also her current manager. Waving goodbye to her, Yuan Xiaochen's expression was a bit broken, but he insisted on not explaining anything to me, and entered the customs with his ex-boyfriend one after another. 226 The next day, while I was sleeping, I received a call from Yuan Xiaochen. She faltered about what to say. On the long phone call, she didn't tell me about her relationship with her ex-boyfriend, but instead said something about her year-end bonus. He decided, so she didn't want to offend him.I remember that I just replied impatiently: "What does this have to do with me?" 227 I think I can understand Yuan Xiaochen's painstaking efforts and lies. As a social person, I understand that it is the effect of various forces in society on her. A small white-collar worker, what can he say if he has achieved this step?But when I think of her usual unreasonable appearance, I feel angry. Thinking of her sullen face, turning around in front of me in a victim posture, viciously attacking my conscience and arousing My self-blame and guilt made me feel angry and disgusted, and a kind of competitive idea accumulated in my heart until it was out of control. 228 On the third day after Yuan Xiaochen left, I felt that the days were like years. Unfortunate pornographic imaginations kept coming and going in my mind, and the flames of jealousy burned more and more. I tried my best to control myself, but all I got was deep pain and helplessness. I studied the materials for writing a biography, but when I talked for the second time, I didn’t read a single word. The next day, I completely lost interest in my work. I thought it was pointless to write a history of a person’s fortune. understanding turned into impatience, and it was the gang Guy, through the weakness of money and human nature, he controls the lives of people like Yuan Xiaochen, squeezes and hurts their desires, what is there to write about?If I wrote it, wouldn't I also become Yuan Xiaochen?As a result, when the other person showed a little dissatisfaction, I simply refused the job, and then felt lost and bored. I was so bored that nothing mattered to me. A person who is extremely bored can suddenly find fun. For example, I am sitting watching TV, imitating the speech and actions of the characters on the TV. Suddenly, the characters in it pose a few silly and handsome poses. , For a moment, I seemed to be so stupid that I really believed that I was living a handsome life.I felt people watching me on TV, and I had the vulgar idea that I was doing something great, and I became a prisoner of vanity, feeling so good about myself, I took a puff of my cigarette and laughed , damn, I'm so bored. 229 I was in a very bad state and depressed. Yuan Xiaochen never called me again, which made me even more depressed. In order to cheer myself up, I decided to cook a meal for myself. I was shopping for vegetables in the vegetable market, and unexpectedly I started a crazy walk when I went out. I walked aimlessly, but forgot all about the grocery shopping. As soon as I entered the door, a pungent burnt smell hit my face. I walked into the kitchen following the smell, and found that the stewed ribs soup had turned into black coke because I forgot to turn off the fire when I went out, just like the lack of care between me and Yuan Xiaochen. I went downstairs again, bought a stack of tabloids and went home to look through them. I wanted to divert my attention. I saw an article boasting about how excellent Chinese food culture is. After eating, I really want to laugh at their carelessness. Since the Chinese dinner table is full of leftover bones of various creatures, and they are always in front of them, why did Darwin first discover the theory of evolution? This little article made me very unhappy, and made me lament that the Chinese nation is really poor at its root. In fact, with a little thought about this clue, I can know that my ancestors were very unfortunate and sad. Pushed to the brink of embarrassment, I feel sad that they were forced to eat out of hunger, and am shocked that modern people are stupid enough to still take pride in this tradition. In fact, I was so out of control and absurd that even things that had nothing to do with me could stir me up emotionally, I was like a pack of dynamite next to a fire, just waiting for a spark to call me by accident Taste the taste of broken bones. 230 Some vices may have been cultivated by others, although now I can't remember who was so wicked, who put the first cigarette in my hand and lit a fire for me. Since then, the two things of lighter and cigarette It's like growing on me, and I can't leave me for a minute. Every day, after opening and closing my eyes, if I don't smoke a few cigarettes, it will cause me to be unable to wake up or fall asleep.Other vices I guess people are mostly self-taught like masturbation, I don't believe in the absurd idea that everyone has had a hand pressed to their crotch at one point or another - anyway, now I Already possessing considerable capacity for vices, I even doubt whether I can feel happy without these vices. I have a bad habit, that is, when I can't stand someone, I will have a dark counterattack to vent my personal anger. This kind of counterattack is often decisive. I have a kind of sensitivity, and I can find something that makes the other party the most unbearable. It hurt her deeply, and finally, I used my bad habit on Yuan Xiaochen.