Chapter 21 201-210

201 Emotionally, everyone has their own storms. If you know how each stranger feels about life, you will have mixed feelings. Listening to Qin Zheng’s words, I feel that time and space are dislocated. She seems to be a living fossil. , People are in the present, but the way of emotion does not change with time. She talked to me in a nostalgic tone about a kind of joy of dedication, "Who knows this kind of joy now?" "Hey, it's all a commodity society, so what's the point of dedicating yourself? It's easy to do materially. Feelings follow material things, and you will feel safe."

"The sense of security is useless. I divorced my husband last year because the sense of security was too strong." When we talked about her husband, I also knew him, he was the monitor of her class, and he was a good old man whom we both recognized. "Yes, that man, everyone says he is a good man, he is really good, but I hate him, he is so good, as long as he opens his mouth, I know that I will not forgive him, in front of him, I have never been excited However, it is impossible to have any dispute with him. When I nodded and said yes to him, I just felt that there was no need to talk about this matter. Later I found that I always said yes to him, and then I left him. Very sad, after a long time, I still said to others that I was gentle and kind, how stupid! How could I be regarded as gentle and kind? I just treated him indifferently, and I didn’t sympathize with him at all, let alone blame myself, I didn’t Think I'm wrong."

"Why is this happening?" "Because I've loved, I know what it's like, and I think those who love are lucky, but it also ruins the future, ruins the days without love, like you eat a delicious meal for a while, and it's long again What do you do with bad food? It's just a lack of enthusiasm." 202 The fantasies that sincere women have about feelings are always sympathetic. From Qin Zheng, I seem to be able to see Yuan Xiaochen's future. When the years take away the girls' love and hope, what else do they have? As a writer, you often have the opportunity to play the role of a listener. So many people and things pass through your mind that you don’t know what to say, especially when you think that it is these stories that make up some people’s lives. , you won’t underestimate these stories. I listened to Qin Zheng talking about her affairs, and tried not to let her bring the topic between us, so that I could always be a bystander, which made it easier.

From time to time I would say, "I know. I think thinking about the past can be sad at times." "Yes. But sadness also needs a little enthusiasm. I don't think I have been sad for a long time." She smiled, and that smile was so charming in my eyes, even though her words were full of love for her emotional life. Lack of complaints. Compared with my reality, it really makes people feel that the taste of life, whether it is sentient or ruthless, is not very good. We talked as much as we could, didn't eat much steak, and chatted for more than an hour, but at this moment, I saw Yuan Xiaochen and four or five young business people came in, she Seeing me, she raised her eyebrows, and for a moment, she stopped at our table without hesitation: "Let me introduce, these are my colleagues, this is my boyfriend, and this is—" Her eyes fell to Qin Zheng's face.

"This is my college classmate, Qin Zheng." "Let's go over there to eat." Yuan Xiaochen said dryly. "We just finished eating," Qin Zheng said. "Let me talk to you." Yuan Xiaochen said to me, and then nodded to Qin Zheng with a very polite smile. I stood up and followed her and walked a few steps forward. Her colleague was poking her head and feet behind her. Yuan Xiaochen approached my ear and whispered, "It's more ostentatious than our company—at your speed." , I think those old ladies in the nursing home have enough time, and they can't hold any of them." After finishing speaking, he stomped my foot hard, turned and left.

203 I turned around and walked back to Qin Zheng, she had called the waiter, paid the bill, and we came out together, she showed a worried look, the beautiful door closed behind us, as if closing our conversation together Inside, in front of us was a wide, noisy street, and her back was straight, and her gait became tense, less relaxed than before, like an actor coming from backstage to the stage. We walked to the parking lot in front of the restaurant together, and she said: "My car is over there, you can go back and accompany your girlfriend, she seems a little unhappy." I said, "It's okay, she's just like that. I guess it's their company's dinner, and I can't get involved, so I'm leaving too. The car is over there."

She nodded, and we looked at each other, knowing that there was nothing more to say, but I said "goodbye". Qin Zheng left, and I felt her back was like a solid and high-quality machine part. I stood by the car, and said in my heart that it was unlucky, how could Yuan Xiaochen bump into it in such a big Beijing with so many restaurants? 204 As soon as I started the car, I received a call from Daqing, saying that I was gathering with a group of friends in the Happy Garden Bar. I asked if I could go and have a seat. Lively atmosphere, here, many unhappiness and depression in life are released with the alcohol. Once you sit in the crowd, you will relax, and a kind of bastard pride will arise out of thin air. This is me A place where you like to stay, there is no business, no men and women, there are only friends, buddies and sisters, and you can speak freely after drinking. Maybe this is the only free place in Beijing.

Across the table, a pair of drinking buddies were learning American movies after a few sips of wine amidst the deafening music. One of them unexpectedly pointed at the other and shouted: "You are finished!" The other party is really finished. The funny thing is that the other party always answers unrelentingly but also endlessly: "I'm endless!" Afterwards, everyone gave a burst of routine laughter.This joke has been used for half an hour, and they are still not bored, it is more boring than boring. In fact, neither of them was finished, but the people around them were almost finished by their quarrel.

A young writer who was very drunk put his arms around me: "Hey, let me tell you, my buddy has collapsed recently." "What's the matter?" I asked casually. "My daughter-in-law asked someone to do it." "So what's the matter? Aren't you always idle?" "No, that's not what I mean, I mean, I'd better do it with a buddy." "So what? Is that any different than letting a stranger do it?" "But my buddy can't stand this for some reason, and feels very depressed." "I didn't see it, you are quite possessive."

"Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes." He kept nodding. "Then what to do?" "I can't help it either - buddy is still buddy, wife is still daughter-in-law, don't you think?" I nod. "My buddy has been very broken recently, very broken." He muttered to himself. Someone on the opposite side coaxed him to toast, he stood up and drank it in one breath, I took the opportunity to stand up and sit elsewhere. I sat down next to a female writer and poet. She was wearing a low-cut T-shirt and no bra, her breasts were almost visible. It felt very good, I stretched my neck and stared at her breasts without saying a word, it made my eyes dizzy, I guess my eyeballs would come out and fall into her cleavage, and then from her trouser legs Get out of here.

The female writer elbowed me, "Hey, scum." I nodded, and she asked me my opinion on her new novel, and I regained my energy when I heard it, and asked her, "Do you usually take a shower after messing around?" She widened her eyes and said in surprise, "Why are you asking this?" "Ask what's the matter?" "It goes without saying." "Will you wash it or not?" "Nonsense! Of course I wash it." "Excuse me then, could you please add this in the novel as well, and it doesn't cost a few words?" After finishing this harsh sentence, as expected, the female writer ignored me. She was quite lively at first, but she asked me to silence her in the blink of an eye. Woolen cloth. A poetess lamented that today's girls are too materialistic. For the sake of money, they are not virgins at the age of sixteen or seventeen. In short, they are impure. I wanted to retort casually—"Why do you say that virgins are pure? You have to say that, I think the cecum that has not had appendicitis is more pure! The point of purity is that both have an unused human organ That's all." When the words came to my lips, I felt that it was boring to join in this kind of bickering, so I swallowed them. I looked back at an editor. His hair was all black on the top, white on the bottom, and bald on the top. He didn't talk to others, he just drank blindly, and he didn't know what was on his mind. After drinking, his eyes were cruel, as if With a little more force, everything within five meters can be completely shattered. I went to the billiard table, sat on it, looked around, everyone was talking loudly there, drinking beer, I was so distraught, drinking Coca-Cola with everyone, listening to nonsensical drunken talk, to the bladder Like a countdown mine about to be detonated, I suddenly got up and ran to the bathroom to urinate once. Summer nights are long and depressing. 205 In the middle of the night, when I got home, Yuan Xiaochen had already fallen asleep. I was sitting in the living room alone in a daze. I knew that I drank too many drinks. . I got up from the sofa, went to the bookshelf in the study, picked out a few world famous books, walked back to the dining table, and The light on the top turned over and over again the famous books in the world. I took a rough look at the story so that I could get a little idea when I talked with others in the future. As for the yellow descriptions in it, I did not miss a single word. Read it three times.Just as I was watching with gusto, there was a sound from the bedroom, and then Yuan Xiaochen came out naked, rubbing his eyes with one hand and grabbing his hair with the other, and stood in front of me. I nodded at her, and she asked me, "What time is it?" "It's about three o'clock." She nodded and walked to the kitchen. After a while, she took out half a watermelon from it, sat opposite me, and ate it bite by bite with a spoon. I lowered my head and continued to read. "Are you crazy outside?" She asked me with a guilty conscience. "It's okay." I said. After Yuan Xiaochen ate for a while, she kindly brought a spoonful of watermelon to my mouth, and I ate it, and then she fed me spoonful after spoonful, "It's been in the refrigerator for three days, if you don't eat it, it will go bad. " I put down the book and looked at her: "What's the matter?" "It's okay." "Oh." I picked up the book again to read. She reached out and grabbed my book, and gently pulled it out of my hand until it was completely drawn out, then gently put it aside. "Say what you want to say, don't hesitate." I said. "If you want to ask me anything, you can ask me clearly, you don't need to keep it in your mouth and chew it over and over again." "I have nothing to ask." Before the words fell, Yuan Xiaochen stood up in a "chuckle": "I knew a long time ago that you just don't care about me!" I picked up the book again, she grabbed it and threw it back on the table: "Is it?" "What is it?" "You don't care what happens to me, do you?" I turned my gaze away from her. "Answer me!" she cried. "What's wrong with you?" I asked. "I'm fine." "Then what is there to say?" "Have!" "tell me the story?" "Who did you go to see tonight?" "friend." "Boyfriend or girlfriend?" "Both men and women." "Are you looking for it alone, or are you looking for it together?" "I found it together." "I just went downstairs to talk to our manager that night, why are you running?" "I'm afraid of affecting you, okay?" "You took the door key away, where did you tell me to go?" "You two locked me out of the car together, where did you tell me to go?" "Be serious, don't be glib." "Damn it! Why am I not serious? You're just glib—in the middle of the night, wearing a little dress, meeting the manager right under my nose—is this serious?" "That's also more serious than dating an old lady." "of course." "Hey, let me ask you, how many times have you been away at night, can you count them? Let me ask you again, what's going on with you and Yao Jingjing?" "It's nothing." "Really?" She suddenly showed excitement on her face. "What's wrong?" "I guess it's all right. You two haven't had a single phone call recently, and the contact with Wang Yun has also been cut off, right?" "How did you know?" "For a few bucks, I can type out a detailed list of all your calls." "You are capable enough." "Nonsense, I've been a white-collar worker for so many years for nothing?" "I'll also type out your phone number later to have a look." "You don't need to type it, I will type it out for you myself, you can check to see if I have messed with men and women." "Is your relationship with your old superior and ex-boyfriend a man-woman relationship?" "Yo, I really can't see it. The jealousy is so strong, isn't it proportional to your height?" She became more enthusiastic, "I knew you couldn't bear it, I just wanted to make you feel jealous!" "Have you tried it and thought it tasted good, so you recommended it to me? Or did you learn it from a magazine?" "I'm not that bad!" "Oh, got it. Can I continue reading?" I said quickly. "No! Come here, come here!" She waved at me. "What are you doing?" "End my days as a widow!" She twisted her waist a few times and walked towards the bedroom, she even shrugged her shoulders, then turned her head and gave me a wink, which was funny and cute. 206 However, I know that these hot and cold are all fake, and the suspicion deep in her heart makes her unable to escape. On the bed, everything is exposed, and we start making love. It was full of tenderness and sweetness, so my movements were better, but she also realized it at the same time, so the movements began to be mechanical and stiff, as if she had nothing to do with herself and didn't care, just like that, we stopped and stopped to finish She got up quickly with a kind of disappointment that could not be concealed, and rushed into the bathroom. I heard the sound of water, and it took a long time. The cold wind from the air conditioner made my back stiff. I don't know what she did in the bathroom. What, in short, I hope she doesn't vomit with me, the sound of water stopped, she came back, and almost flew past me, with water beads on her body, it was obvious that she hadn't scrubbed carefully, she jumped into the quilt Li, with his back to me, wrapped himself deeply in the quilt, and then remained motionless. "Let's start self-protection - learn from me!" I pushed her to tease her. She was as motionless as a log. "What are you thinking?" "I didn't think about anything." "Do you want to come again?" She quickly turned her head and glared at me: "Okay, okay, come on!" While talking, he threw the quilt to the ground, spread his legs apart, spread his hands, and closed his eyes: "Hurry up! You keep your word!" For some reason, her actions aroused my sexual desire, and we started again. This time, it was like a fight, intense and tense. I kissed her in the middle, but she kissed me back deeply, and tears flowed out. Tears of grievance streamed down my face. "what happened to you?" She got worse and cried bitterly. "What happened?" I straightened up and asked her. "Don't stop, don't stop, hurry up, stop talking nonsense!" She cried and urged me, and cried even harder. I continued, and she reacted violently to me, more than I could give her, and then she simply flipped on top, so fast that I was surprised, and for a moment, she did it on her own. "What's wrong with you?" I asked her as soon as she stopped. With a dejected look on her face, she didn't speak, but turned her face away. I straightened my body, trying to get her down, but she didn't move, so I had to pull a pillow behind my head: "What's the matter?" After a while, she came back to her senses as if she had just heard me speak, and looked at me: "Your half is not over yet." "I do not mind." "That's good." She jumped out of bed in a flash, and soon there was the sound of water in the bathroom. I lit a cigarette and smoked. 207 She didn't come out until I smoked the third cigarette. I didn't know what to say to her. I got up and went to the bathroom to take a shower. When I came back, she seemed to be in a deep sleep, so I turned off the light and pulled the quilt over me. My legs just touched her. Her legs, she trembled for a moment, then it was dark and silent, I sighed, turned over and fell asleep, at this moment, her voice suddenly came from my ear: "Besides fucking me, do you think there is something between us?" what?" I held my breath and didn't answer her question. "I don't think you love me at all." I still didn't speak. After a while, she slowly turned over and hugged me: "But I love you, I can't stand you fucking others, even with a condom on, I just want you to fuck me, when will you fuck me?" It's all right, can I really not satisfy you?" I kiss her and kiss her again. "The day before yesterday, I drank a lot of wine and slept with my ex-boyfriend. I didn't think it was interesting at all, and I wanted to end it before it started. But I thought of you, and thought of you looking for Wang Yun, Yao Jingjing, and me behind my back. I don't know the name of the girl, I imagine myself as you, I don't feel happy at all, what about you?" "I don't want to talk about it." "There is no one else now, you talk, I want to hear." "Say what?" "How are women different? Are they really better than me?" "Don't talk about this kind of question, it's not interesting, no matter what I say, we will quarrel." "I think they're all fake orgasms!" "Maybe." "I'm real, just three times, every time it's true, even when I hate you, it's true." "congratulations." "Don't joke with me, I'm serious." "Then what do I say?" "Do you still have sex with me?" "Have." "How long can it last?" "Bad question! No answer!" "Say!" "long time." "Do you love me?" "Love." "Then why are you still fucking other people?" "I--" "Don't lie to me, I know, you fucked, there will never be less than three times." "More than three times." She turned around suddenly and hit me hard with the back once, twice, three times. I don't move. "You're disgusting!" After that, he turned his head in the dark and spit on my face, but it all spit on the pillow. "Remember the promise we made when we first met?" I asked in the dark. "I remember, I remember, but it's different now, and I can't keep it any longer. I'm sick." "okay then." "What's all right? Do you want to break up?" Her alert voice sounded in my ears. "No." "Do you want me to give you some space or something - I have said these things to my ex-boyfriends." "Forget it, don't talk about it." "You do not love me." I didn't reply, so as not to cause another quarrel. "I love you and you don't love me because I just want to fuck you and you want to fuck someone else, it's as simple as that, there's nothing to say." After a while, she concluded succinctly. 208 At dawn, she fell into a deep sleep. I tried to get close to her, put my arms around her, put my front chest against her back, and fell asleep with her, we were so close, but I felt that anyway, it wasn't as tight as it used to be. 209 The fighting in the middle of the night made me insomnia, and made me feel sad, just like in the cold winter night, a bit of night chill got into the quilt, I listened to her breathing, I knew she had fallen asleep, next to me, just the two of us , alone, one fell asleep, the other did not sleep, but outside the window was the summer morning, I stared, the sunlight on the curtain was disturbed by the shaking branches, just like my life, faint, but it cannot be said to be tasteless Yes, it is a kind of bitterness of middle-aged people. I think I have started to go downhill and slipped quietly from the top. I still look back from time to time and look back at the unfinished youth. Me, what belongs to me will be a stable life, my income will increase, I will behave properly and be responsible to my relatives, but I will no longer have passion, even if I have it occasionally, it will be covered up by me. Cover up the past as a proper behavior, maybe this is the best way, it is good for me, and it is also good for others. Suddenly, I remembered the day we first met, and I asked her, what's your name?She replied, I will not tell you.From this sentence, I know she likes me, so try to please me, I hope, after me, she will have a chance to say the same sentence to other men, instead of saying her name politely, And once she smiles and says "I won't tell you" to others, it means that she is going to fall in love again, she likes falling in love, like other girls, I think, in falling in love, she finds the cutest side of herself , she herself prefers that side, because that side can bring her beautiful feelings, more interesting than plain dreams, as romantic as romance novels, with this kind of romance, she can quietly and happily enjoy her youth . 210 I pushed her and whispered to her: "Let's get married, although I'm a bit reluctant, but I don't want to pretend to be young anymore, I don't want to try." She didn't react at all, she was asleep and didn't hear. I said these words to myself again in my heart, and I said it again, I hope that I can be firm and do what I say. In fact, these words make me feel sad, and I know that in another ten or twenty years, the next words will be: "I'm old, I'm useless, I'm dying, there's nothing I can do, so be it."