Chapter 44 Chapter Forty-Four

"Liu Yun? I'm Teacher Wang." Professor Wang's already kind voice.When consciously emphasized, it sounds more endearing. "Hello, Professor Wang!" Liu Yun was very excited, as if she suddenly grabbed something she was longing for, which made her feel temporarily rescued. "I called you several times, but you were not there, so I called you to the hospital. How is it?" Professor Wang asked. "Sometimes I work the night shift. How are you? Is my wife okay?" Liu Yun, like a person who is usually mentally weak, the more he needs help, the more considerate he is to others.This is perhaps a shame when people have to grasp at straws.

"It's all good, Liu Yunna, maybe you'd like to tell me how you are, we all miss you." Professor Wang showed respectable decisiveness--I want to help you. Liu Yun was immediately speechless.She would love to open her heart to this gracious and wise elder, but so many things had happened piled up at the door of her heart like fallen stones, and she couldn't think of which one to move. "I'm fine," she tried to say, "I think I'm better. There's a lot going on." "Geng Lin came to my place, he said something." "That's right." Liu Yun whispered.

"It's somewhat calmer now?" Professor Wang seemed to know how to adapt to Liu Yun's state of mind at this time, and guided him to go outside. "Yes, but I-" "Tell me how you feel." "I-I feel quite ashamed." Liu Yun cried. Professor Wang didn't speak immediately, and Liu Yun cried out. "I often think of those things," Liu Yun said while crying, "I don't know what to say, those things always seem to follow me, I-I don't believe it, I do that-I- -Professor Wang, I'm sorry, I shouldn't be like this, I seem to be in a mess-I-Sometimes, I really feel that maybe it would be better to die."

"Liu Yun, it's okay. It's not normal, but it's normal. It's a special stage, maybe you have to go through it. You feel ashamed, don't you?" "Yes." Liu Yun's voice was extremely low. "It just shows that you've slowly come out of this stage." "I'm sad too. I hate myself so much. I've done so many things against Geng Lin and that woman. It's not worth it. I'm so stupid. Through this incident, I can see how my past life was. Well, it's a pity I figured it out too late." "Why are you late?"

"If only I had realized earlier that I could have left when that woman showed up and didn't have to fight them at all. I'd have a lot more peace of mind now and be able to continue being a woman with dignity." "You can still be a decent woman, even a good one." "I--" Liu Yun suspected that Professor Wang's words were just to comfort her. "I'm not trying to say something nice," Professor Wang emphasized earnestly, "Geng Lin has been here before, and I don't think it seems possible for you to get together again." "Yes, I think so too."

"So I didn't call because you used to be Geng Lin's wife. I said that you are a good person with a basis. Not everyone will feel ashamed after doing these things." "Liu Yun, don't soften up, move forward. As long as you move forward, everything will slowly disappear with time. Listen to me, it's like dry preaching, but I survived like this during the Cultural Revolution Yes. No matter how painful or desperate I am, I will stand up. What I think in my heart is one thing. I must live through this state. I want to see what life will be like in ten years. If it is still the same, no matter how desperate it is, there is still time. "

"You are right." Liu Yun was not moved by Professor Wang's words.She also had such expectations before, to let all this pass, and to achieve this goal, she knew that she could not count on anything else except time. "You seem to be in cardiac surgery right now?" "yes." "This seems to be a new branch?" "yes." "Then you must be able to do something." "You mean--" "It means that besides surgery, you can definitely achieve something, if you start researching now." "I--" Liu Yun was inspired by Professor Wang's words, but doubted his ability.

"Maybe I shouldn't say this. Not every woman can get happiness from marriage, so why don't you look for it in work, school and school. Learn to listen to the hints that fate gives you." "Thank you, Professor Wang, I understand, and I really want to try it. Anyway, I don't have to cook and do so many housework now. I have a lot of time." Liu Yun was very happy to be comforted by Professor Wang, as if in his heart The darkness is infused with light. "Give it a try, Liu Yun, I will hear from you in a few years." "Professor Wang, I really don't know how to thank you and my wife, I--"

"Don't say that, I have been a teacher for a long time, and I love to preach." "If everyone could preach like you, the pain would be shortened." "Come see us often, Liu Yun, goodbye." Liu Yun put down the phone and suddenly remembered his bookshelf.The sizable number of technical books she had had must be gathering dust now.Liu Yun felt suffocated, no one forced her to live like this, and now she sees that there is another way in her life in the past ten years.Had she chosen that path, she might not have felt stripped today. On the fifth day after the operation in Luoyang, he developed a high fever.The diagnosis of Liu Yun and Hou Bo was postoperative endocarditis.Before the blood culture results came out, Liu Yun had given him a lot of antibiotics, hoping to reduce the fever as soon as possible.However, expectations were just expectations, and the high fever continued the next day, with heart failure and a new heart murmur.For the first time, Hou Bo confessed to Liu Yun in frustration that he thought there was no other way.

"Do another operation and get a new flap," Liu Yun said. "The cost is too high, I'm afraid Luoyang will not be able to afford it," Hou Bo said. Liu Yun did not speak. "Even if his school can solve part of it..." "I will pay the fee." Now it was Hou Bo's turn to be silent.He saw an unusual seriousness in Liu Yun's expression.He thought that this might not only concern Luoyang, but also Liu Yun himself. "I want to try again." Liu Yun said. "I can understand you, I'm thinking about his physical condition, another operation..."

Liu Yun looked at Hou Bo beseechingly. "Get ready." Bo looked away when he was speaking, he felt that he was more or less infected by Liu Yun. "Thank you for your trust and understanding. I am very lucky to have a colleague like you." Liu Yun said and left the office. Liu Yun stood in front of Luoyang's bed for a while, but Luoyang never opened his eyes.His complexion was pale and he was sweating non-stop. The nurse told Liu Yun that he had been in a coma, and then gave Liu Yun the blood culture report that had just been sent. Liu Yun glanced at it and subconsciously shook his head, as if someone Hit her hard.According to the results of the report, the diagnosis she had to make was fungal endocarditis, and the mortality rate was almost 100%. She folded the report and put it in the pocket of her coat. Her fingers touched another piece of paper, and she took it out. It was a note written before Luoyang's second operation. The words "I don't regret it" swayed in Liu Yun's mind. Hou Bo walked in, looked at Luoyang, and said to Liu Yun: "I definitely can't do it now. Let's see what's going on tomorrow. If it works, let's do it. To be on the safe side, postpone Ming University's surgery." "Aren't you leaving right away?" Liu Yun asked Hou Bo. "What are you doing?" "I'm going out for a while, and I'll be back in an hour. You can watch here first, okay?" Liu Yun said. Hou Bo nodded. Liu Yun left the hospital and immediately took a taxi home to get his passbook.When she found all the passbooks at home, she hesitated for a while, but the strange thing was that Lou Hong's words sounded in her ears again, as if the voice wanted to remind her for the rest of her life that the money was not hers, even though she had it now.But Liu Yun didn't have time to think about it, all she had was a hunch that there was nothing wrong with using the money for the operation in Luoyang. She took the passbook and left home. Liu Yun went to the bank to withdraw money.Back at the hospital, I went to the cashier to pay the money.She said it was paid for the patient's family.Then she went to wait for the elevator, feeling very relieved. The office was empty. When Liu Yun came to the intensive care unit, she saw Hou Bo and two other doctors standing in front of Luoyang's bed with their backs to her. "How is it? Are you feeling better?" Liu Yun asked easily. Everyone looked back at her, but no one answered her question.Liu Yun seemed to understand everything immediately.She glanced briefly at Luoyang's ventilator, and all the indicators on it were off. "Five minutes ago." Hou Bo said softly. "Why didn't you call me?" Liu Yunjian's voice was also very soft, and he didn't mean to blame.There was only great regret in her voice. "Too fast," Hou Bo said again. Hou Bo tried to pull Liu Yun away.Liu Yun nodded to him, saying that he still wanted to stay here for a while. Standing in front of the bed in Luoyang, Liu Yun's mind was almost blank.She hasn't adjusted herself to Luoyang's death yet.She has envisioned the future for this lovely young man in Luoyang many times, to be a popular teacher and marry a lovely wife... Now, then suddenly God cut everything off, no matter what Luo Yang wanted to do, what he could do, he no longer had a chance.At this moment, disgust rose in Liu Yun's heart, "Why don't you give me a chance?!" She yelled in her heart. Liu Yun returned to the office, but before he could sit down, the nurse Xiao Zhou came in.Seeing people around, she lowered her voice and whispered in Liu Yun's ear: "Bai Bing and a few of her classmates came. She said that you said two days ago that maybe they could meet the teacher today." Liu Yun avoided Xiao Zhou and looked at her strangely.Xiao Zhou thought that Liu Yun didn't like people talking in her ear, so she was a little embarrassed: "I'm sorry." Then she said, "The students are kind, just want to cheer up the teacher and encourage the teacher." Liu Yun smiled, mockingly, as if to say, these children are ridiculously childish. "If it doesn't work, forget it, I'll let them go back." Xiao Zhou felt that Liu Yun's attitude was annoying, so he wanted to retreat. Liu Yun left the office without saying anything.She came outside the ward and saw Bai Bing and other classmates waiting there. "Just a few of you?" Liu Yun asked. "There are still a few more, in the park, the old way. I'm afraid it will be difficult to handle too many people." Bai Bing explained. "follow me." Liu Yun took these students to the park and joined other students.Liu Yun looked at the students who were waiting for her to speak, and the feeling of time drifted like a thin thin thread, which was hung in the air by the wind not far from her eyes.She feels that the parks where her current students and current students are lacking in texture do not bring any pressure to her. "Your teacher just passed away." Liu Yun said calmly. Everyone still looked at Liu Yun quietly, as if they didn't understand her words at all. "It's impossible, my uncle didn't tell me." Hou Bo's nephew broke the silence first. One girl cried. "Why did you let Lao Luo die? Didn't you say that this disease can be cured?!" A boy pushed the crying girl aside and asked Liu Yun loudly. Liu Yun ignored him, as if he was just a common vexatious family member of a patient. Except for Bai Bing, all the girls cried.In this world, women always seem to face the cruel things first, even though men keep calling them weak. The boys pretty much walked away, they just wandered around without speaking to each other.Now what the mothers said came into effect, don't cry, son, men don't cry. Hou Bo's nephew approached the girls who were huddled together and cried, and said a few comforting words to them, telling them to stop crying. "Can we meet the teacher?" He approached Liu Yun and said, as if suspecting that Liu Yun was lying. "he died." "See you then." Another boy was affected and shouted to Liu Yun. Liu Yun didn't move or speak, as if he cared a lot about the students' attitude towards her. "Please, Doctor Liu, let us have a look at the teacher." Bai Bing didn't cry, she took Liu Yun's hand and shook it, pleading. Liu Yun felt her hands were as cold as ice. "Come with me." Liu Yun said and walked ahead. She took the students to the backyard of the hospital, which is the only way to the mortuary.They waited for about half an hour, and when the students began to feel uneasy, the old man from the morgue came out with a cart.There was a masked person lying in the car, and the students immediately surrounded him, blocking the old man's way, but no one moved forward. "What are you doing, you dare to block my car?" The old man in the mortuary always deals with the dead, so he has different courage and perspective from ordinary people. The student looked back at Liu Yun. Liu Yun walked to the front of the car.The old man pushing the cart greeted her.Liu Yun lifted the white sheet, and then closed it again. "It's Mr. Luo, believe me, he's dead. Don't read it any more," Liu Yun said. None of the students moved, fear of the dead overpowering love for the dead. The old man was about to push the car away, but Bai Bing came over. "Let me see the teacher." When she spoke, she had already opened the white list.Liu Yun immediately covered the white sheet again, and took Bai Bing into his arms. Bai Bing burst into tears in Liu Yun's arms, and the other students also cried.Liu Yun stood like a pillar, beckoning the old man to push the dead away.Looking at the carts leaving, the students cried together.Bai Bing breaks away from Liu Yun suddenly, and wants to catch up: "Let me take one more look at him, let me..." Liu Yun hugged her hard, not letting her pass.Seeing this, the old man hurried back to the morgue.Bai Bing struggled to get rid of Liu Yun: "Let me go, why don't you let me see him, I told you, I love him, I love the teacher, you can't imagine, you can't imagine how strong I am, you can't imagine at all. Because the teacher I have to be good Studying, I never want to let him down because of the teacher, I also have to restrain myself from letting him find out my feelings for him, I have to pretend to be more distant than other girls, because the teacher treats all girls the same , I know, he never gave me a special look, I'm not good-looking, so he didn't think I was cuter than other girls, he praised every girl's strengths... I know everything, but I can't convince myself , I love the teacher, I can't help it, I know it shouldn't be, it's wrong, but I can't help it, I really can't help it. Let me take one last look at the teacher, please, I can't break you, I I'm bored." Bai Bing calmed down helplessly in Liu Yun's arms.She wept weakly but sadly. The students gathered around, no one felt bad because of Bai Bing's confession, everyone tried to comfort Bai Bing, no one was jealous, it seemed that everyone was regretting that the teacher didn't pay much attention to Bai Bing when he was alive. "We love our teacher too." A girl said in a low voice, laying her head on Bai Bing's back. "I really love him." Bai Bing didn't look up, sobbing as he buried himself in Liu Yun's arms. The boys stood one or two steps away, quietly and solemnly looking at the crying girls, no confusion or puzzlement appeared on anyone's face.Love, at this time, here, is interpreted in various ways, in a broad sense, relative, person to person, me to you... There are many people alive, from birth to death, never once thought deeply about what is change.They think that moving, changing jobs, getting married and having children, or even changing into new clothes are all changes.Yes, this is change, but there is another kind of change, after change, you may still live in the same place, have the same job, wear old clothes, but you are a new person, a new life in the old body it has started.Such changes are often obtained after great pain and shock, and cruelly, not everyone who experiences pain and shock gets such changes.As a result, many caring people thought of God, God. God loves every woman in pain, but can't bring every woman in pain to new life.So besides God, there is yourself. Liu Yun returned home and made himself unhealthy instant noodles.She ate the instant noodles in a daze. After eating, she didn't know what to do.After sitting on the sofa for a few minutes, she suddenly felt very uncomfortable in her stomach, and immediately ran to the toilet.She spat out the entire contents of her stomach, ending with bile.She flushed the vomit out of the pool and sat down on the ground, feeling as if every power-generating organ in her body was broken, and she was as limp as a pool of broth. After sitting like this for a while, she reached out and tore off a piece of toilet paper to wipe her mouth.When she threw the toilet paper into the urinal again, seeing the water wet the toilet paper, and then submerged in the water again, she thought of Luo Yang's pale but calm face after he stopped breathing. Liu Yun couldn't take it anymore, she wanted to vomit again, but she couldn't vomit anything anymore.She fell to the ground, covered her face with her hands and burst into tears... She didn't know how long she cried. At the end of the cry, she had no strength to cry any more, and there were no more tears.She stopped crying suddenly, then sat on the ground to react for a while, then stood up, and returned to the living room with some trembling.The inside of her body was still empty and very weak, but at the same time she also felt a clarity that she had never had before.Facing Luoyang's death, the only solid thing she realized was that she had no more life than Luoyang.If she continues like this now, then when she finally faces her own death, she will never be able to be quiet.She felt like she hadn't really started living until now. She wants to try.