Chapter 21 twenty

Xi Wang saw that Regret was only looking at him with his eyes, realized something, and blinked at me and said: "I still have something to do! Regret, you can play here for a while!" After that, he stood up and left .Regret hurriedly followed and locked the door. I sat her down next to me and waited for her to talk to me.But after waiting for a long time, she didn't speak.I couldn't help asking: "Unfortunately, is there anything you want to talk to me about?" "No." She shook her head immediately.But her eyes told me that something was on her mind.Her eyes are exactly the same as Sun Yue's, slender and bright.Usually very soft.When there is something on his mind, he seems erratic.She looked at the letter in her hand for a while, and looked at me for a while.

"Unfortunately, is there anything else I can't say to my uncle?" I tried my best to make her relax and speak my mind.Children's worries should not be serious. She bit her lip, as if making up her mind. "I feel sorry for Dad." She said, looking at the letter in her hand. "Yes. I also sympathize with his current situation." I replied. "Uncle He, you said that when my mother finishes her history, will she..." She spoke halfway, then looked at me hesitantly, and stopped talking. "It's a pity that I hope Mom and Dad get back together again, right?" I tried to suppress my inner excitement, and asked her with a smile.

Her eyes flickered at me.But he immediately shook his head and said to me: "That's impossible. He already has that woman. Uncle He, do you think they will get divorced? They can't get along!" "Maybe!" I replied. "And what about Xiao Huanhuan?" She asked again. "With papa or with mama," I replied. "I like my little brother and little sister very much. It's too deserted to be alone," she said. I completely understand the child's heart.This is very natural, very natural!If the three members of this family get together again and add a little Huanhuan, maybe it will still be a happy family.But what about me?Where is my location?Cover it under this picture, or turn it into color and paint it on this picture?It's like someone's heart was taken out.I wanted to see the dry pipe again, but I tried my best to restrain myself.Regret is a sensitive child.

"Uncle He!" Regret called me again suddenly, and I was shocked as if I had been frightened.I'm afraid that my children will know what's on my mind. "Did your mother give you back that pipe, or did you ask for it yourself?" She still asked the question.How should I answer?What kind of answer did she hope for?Children's minds are sometimes elusive.I didn't want my answer to upset the child, so I wanted to know what she meant.I deliberately smiled and said, "What do you think?" She glanced up, down, left, and right on my face twice, and asked tentatively, "Mom gave it back to you, right? Mom said that it will be returned to you when you leave the hospital."

I nod.I know what my child wants.Not willing to disappoint her.I feel even more sad. "Uncle He, don't be sad." She pulled the stool closer to me and said tightly against me. "Why are you sad?" I asked.My heart was suddenly disturbed by this little girl.Get flustered.Maybe my voice is a little different?I can't bear to look at this little girl.I am afraid that I will cry. "I know, you are sad. Xi Wang told me that you love my mother too. Don't you, Uncle He?" She spoke in a very soft voice.As if afraid of being heard.But looking for it, every word is so heavy!And her eyes!Concern, anxiety, anxiety, sympathy.How could this little girl have such complicated feelings?

"Really? Uncle He?" Why do you ask me that, sorry?If you have already understood the meaning of love a little in the dimness, then you should be aware of it.Haven't you been very interested in reporting to me about your mother?In fact, you have been facilitating the union between me and your mother!But today, you have to ask: "Really, Uncle He?" I know that if I answer "No", you will be sad and suspicious, thinking that I have lied to you.But I answered "yes", what will happen to you?Well, sorry!In front of you, I can only be a child. "Yes, sorry. Yes." I looked at her and replied, also very softly.

She crumpled up the letter paper in her hand, and suddenly fell on the table, crying! boy, boy!what are you crying forI have pulled a rope in your little heart again, and it hurts your heart, doesn't it?I understand, boy!You love me almost as much as your mother loves you.You want me to be happy.But now, the happiness of your loved ones is in conflict... boy, boy!stop crying!People are always like this.Life is always like this.Everyone's heart is torn into many pieces, there is no way to do it.You are young.The web you live in—the social relationship—has only a few distinct lines.Later, the lines will be denser and more intricate.At that time, you may not cry instead, like I am now.

I raised my regretful head, trying to wipe away her tears.Do not wipe dry. "Unfortunately! Uncle doesn't like to see people cry." I went to wipe her tears again and advised her not to cry. "Uncle He, will we still be friends in the future?" She took my hand and asked. "Of course, it's a pity. We are best friends. Come on, hook your fingers and be friends forever." I coaxed her to hook fingers with her, and she broke into a smile. "You are so kind, Uncle He! I will often come to accompany you in the future." "Okay, sorry. I welcome you anytime."

Her mood improved a little.I flipped through the books I put on the table. "Unfortunately, it's time to go home. Mom is going to miss her." I reminded her.I don't think Sun Yue knew that Regret had come to me. Regret pulled my arm, looked at the watch on my wrist, and stuck out his tongue: "Hey, it's time for dinner! I'm leaving." "I should go to the cafeteria too, let's go together!" I picked up my job bowl and walked out with her. "Shall I show my mother the letter?" she asked. "Show her! Regrettably, from now on, you have to be more considerate of your mother and tell her your opinions slowly. She will listen to you. How much she loves you!" I feel suffocated.Fortunately, the cafeteria is almost here, and I said to Regret: "I'm going to eat, you can go alone!" Regret said goodbye to me, looked at me with attachment, and went.

When I regretted walking away, I immediately turned around and walked into the dormitory.I need to rest.These two days are really exhausting. I'll lock the door shut, and no one will come!I want to lie down quietly by myself. A public case of more than 20 years is now over.Start with "None" and end with "None".A young lad turned half-old.Lying down is still so long, standing up is still so high.Naked come and go without care. A tear trickled down the corner of my eye, and I didn't want to wipe it.Haven't I enjoyed the joy of love, and can't even express the pain of love?I don't want to wipe away the tears.From "nothing" to "nothing"?My hand touched the dry pipe under the pillow again.Changed a cigarette pouch.This change includes "yes".This is the only trace left in my life of this long and fruitless love affair.The cigarette purse is hand-sewn, one stitch at a time, so fine.When each needle is inserted, Sun Yue, what are you thinking about?Don't you want to reveal the secret of your heart through this stitch?Don't you hope that the seeds buried in the soil for a long time will germinate, bloom and bear fruit?

"My pride doesn't allow it." Is this really the case, Sun Yue?I thought about it all night last night, but I couldn't figure it out.Zhao Zhenhuan was tossing and turning.How I should like to ask him about his meeting with you!How I should like to know what impressions you make of each other!But I didn't ask a word.The torn photo I regret to see has been hanging in front of my eyes.I saw the broken places being healed, and the images of the three were clear, whole, and intimate again. "If there is an afterlife..." Sun Yue, you still want to marry me, right?If self-esteem really does not allow it, then I still have hope.Because one day, you will understand that respecting your feelings is the real self-esteem.So, Sun Yue, do you imply that I am waiting by saying this?Not waiting for the afterlife, but waiting for the future... "Did mother give you back this pipe, or did you want it back?" Let me think about it carefully!Seems like I'm coming back myself.Yes, I want to come back myself!Let me smoke a pipe! "I stretched out my hand to her. She gave it to me. When I left, I didn't ask if she would keep it for me, so I took it back by myself. This token of love! Why are my feelings so careless? What? Even Regret attaches great importance to this issue, but I didn't think of it. I'm confused! I should go and say to her: My feelings are unchanging.I am willing to wait, forever.I want to hand over the pipe to her again, and say to her, "You can keep it for me forever!" I'm up.Go out to the yard.The sky is full of stars.I go forward.Already seen the window of her house, the light was on, brighter than any star in the sky.I stood still, facing the star. Sun Yue, if you are standing at the window, can you see me walking towards you?Sun Yue, if you were also a star, would you walk out the window and fall into my arms? "Uncle He, you're so kind!" It seemed that regretful voice was heard again.The meaning of this "really nice" is very rich: "I feel sorry for Dad", I sympathize with her; "I hope Mom and Dad reconcile", I agree with her. "I know you are very sad", which means that she approves of my sacrifice for the reconciliation of her family... It is a pity that today I am not only judged by emotion, but mainly by morality. There is a moral question here, right? "If a person lives only for himself, he is worse than livestock. Pigs and dogs know how to love juniors!" Father, my father, you are speaking to me.I should never go down this road again, no matter how painful it is.I turn around.Sun Yue, will you suddenly find me, come running to catch up with me, and take away my pipe?I stepped up and rushed back to the dormitory.Close the door, lock it, and lie down.Sun Yue did not catch up.She didn't see me.Or, she is unwilling to catch up.also good. The public case of more than twenty years is now over.Start with "None" and end with "None".No, the only trace left, the only memorial, this cigarette purse. The two people I love the most in my life - my father and her - left me a souvenir together, this dry pipe with a cigarette purse hanging on it.Is this a coincidence? From now on, dry pipes are more precious to me.I can see two hearts from it: one is the father's, the other is the lover's; one is the peasant's, and the other is the scholar's.These two hearts are so different!Yet it was also full of love.There are tremblings and groans of pain, there are noble sentiments and sacrifices. "Brother! You and I have no parents since we were young. We grew up begging hand in hand. That winter, we couldn't beg for food, and we were so hungry that we threw ourselves into the river hand in hand. We slowly Go to the center of the river, I am in front and you are behind. The water soaks into my stomach and your chest. You stop and cry and call your brother: "Brother, let's not die! The water is too cold ...' We walked back hand in hand again, you in front and I in back. We sold ourselves to two families as 'sons', you became 'uncle' and I became 'nephew'. Liberation Now, we have become brothers again. You have also become a cadre. Unexpectedly, you still threw yourself into the river. Brother, you are not afraid of the cold water? Why didn’t you tell your brother?” The repressed cry of his father in front of his uncle's dead body was probably the longest speech he had ever said in his life.Every sentence, every word, I remember clearly.Because, that's when I saw something in my father that I didn't see before... Uncle committed suicide in fear of guilt, charged with "crazy opposition to the three red flags".People in the countryside are already starving to death, and the newspapers are still "continuing to make leaps forward", and the top is "encouraging" farmers to sell "super-produced grain".The uncle who was the deputy director of the commune could not understand why such a thing happened under the leadership of the Communist Party. "Many leading comrades in the central government are farmers. Do they really believe that an acre of land can produce tens of thousands of catties of grain? Why are the reporters of the newspaper office bragging? If you continue to brag, people will starve to death!" He wrote to the central government , Exposing the phenomenon of false production reports by communes and counties, describing the plight of farmers, and asking the central government to send people to investigate.His letter was intercepted halfway. One day, the commune suddenly held a meeting to fight against the current counter-revolutionaries.The county police chief presided over the meeting.My father and I both went.Unexpectedly, it was my uncle who was fighting... After the fight is over, I will escort my uncle to the county.But on the way to escort, my uncle suddenly got rid of the escort like crazy and plunged into the river. His hands were tied behind his back and he couldn't move, he didn't even have the strength to struggle... The body of this "current counter-revolutionary" who "suicide in fear of crime" was fished up and became the object of criticism at the on-site criticism meeting.Die, it's cheap for him! Does the "rebel" still want to choose a place to bury him?No!Just dig a hole on the spot!And no coffins allowed! That's it.Aunt is pregnant.She walked to the dead body with difficulty, and put on clean clothes for her uncle in public.Spades of loess were poured on his clean clothes.buried.Uncle is not yet forty years old... "I'm desperate to go to jail, and I want to get your uncle's body home and nail him a pair of thin boards." My father came back from the river, and all night, he took a dry pipe and smoked one bag after another. "Is it a crime to say something fair to the peasants?" He kept talking to himself like this.On the second night, he took off the boards and secretly nailed a thin "board" like a box with me.We went to the river in the dark, dug up my uncle's body, put it in a "board", and buried it in the private plot behind the house. The people in the village may not know it, or they may know it.In short, no one to inform. "From now on, our two families are merged into one family. We eat thick and you eat thick, and we eat thin and you eat thin. It's the same as when my brother was alive." Father's thoughts and feelings were not affected by the concept and practice of "class struggle" at all.It never occurred to him to turn himself into an "instrument of the class struggle."This is probably because he is too ordinary and small!No one thought of using him, and he had nothing to fear losing in the "class struggle."Every year, every month, every day, every hour, everywhere, it is windy and rainy.Blow up a unit or a family into different classes.Even a person, yesterday, today and tomorrow, will belong to different classes.Many people have learned the ability to adjust their emotional hubs and change their flags and livery according to the "needs of class struggle" at any time.Learned to distinguish the direction of the wind, know the route, stand in line, draw lines, form gangs, form cliques...But my father never bought these accounts.Indeed, he is too ordinary.It's so small.What role can he play in the "class struggle"? However, the "class struggle" played a huge role in him.deprived him.At the same time, it also provides him with the opportunity to fully demonstrate the simplicity, nobility, and beauty of his soul.This soul gave me rare nourishment.I drank my father's milk... Since then, the two homes have become one home.My aunt came to live with my son.There are only "people" and "mouths" in the family, and there is no food or livestock.I ate everything I could eat.Everything that can be sold is sold.Adults can still refrain from crying or screaming, what about children?My little brother is only seven or eight years old, and my uncle's son is even younger, only six years old.Doesn't the child in the aunt's stomach need to be fed more? My father and I, two "imposing six-foot men", grope in ditches and rivers and dig in wild fields every day.The mother, a woman with small feet, took her younger sister all day long, looking for undug yams in the fields.In order not to discredit the "people's commune", the mother and younger sister sewed many small pockets on the clothes and trousers, and cut sweet potatoes into slices.How much can this carry?They dug pits in the wild as stoves, cooked some, and stuffed them into their stomachs... A boiled potato, the mother handed it to the father, and the father stuffed it into the nephew's hand.My younger brother was crying, and my mother pulled him over, wiping away tears. Life feels like years!My younger brother couldn't bear such torture, so he left first.My mother was ill... "Kowtow to uncle!" My aunt pulled my cousin and walked up to my father, "Uncle, I can't bear to see your family being dragged to death by our mother and I. I took the child to flee the famine. In the past few years, we will come back again." Father took another sip, bag after bag of tobacco.The tobacco pouch contained dried pagoda tree leaves.In the end, he waved his hand with tears in his eyes: "Run if you can! I'm sorry brother..." Soon, the mother followed in the footsteps of the younger brother and "walked".There are three people left in the family: father, sister and me.Father and sister could no longer get out of bed.I'm the only one who can walk around and look for food every day.And I was already swollen all over.Like my mother, I sewed pockets all over my body and went to the fields to look for undug yams.When the near is gone, go to the far.Susu vines with thick fingers, I take them home as treasures. But the father is still not well.I lost weight day by day.Every night, I sit in front of his bed and fill him with "dry tobacco".Seeing the dead leaves burning in the pipe nest, my heart is really more uncomfortable than suffering on the fire!If my heart, my blood, and my love can be turned into tobacco... "Father, don't smoke this cigarette anymore, okay?" I pleaded while pretending to smoke. "No way, kid! Your father only has this little hobby all his life, so let me smoke until I get old, huh?"... Where did Sun Yue get such good tobacco leaves?She would not know that the leaves of the locust tree can emit smoke when they burn, and they can also be inhaled. One day, my father called me to the bed, and I filled him with a bag of "cigarettes".Holding the pipe in his hand, he was already powerless to smoke.My tears flowed out involuntarily.The corner of my father's mouth twitched. Did he want to smile at me?But it touched the fountain of tears.I wiped my tears for him, and he took my hand.He looked at me again and again, and tears flowed down the deep groove on his cheek: "There is still a small half bucket of yams in the bucket of the minibus, which I usually save. I am a person who can die. You can't die." .If you die, who will know what kind of person you are? And your uncle... is going to find your aunt...your sister is growing up..." The words are not finished. "Smoke" did not smoke. I knelt in front of my father's bed and couldn't get up for a long time... I picked up the cigarette pouch that had fallen on the floor.The first "smoke" I smoked was the smoke from the leaves of the locust tree, which was left to me by my father... Both my uncle and I have been rehabilitated.My aunt returned home with her son and the daughter born in the disaster. "If your father is still here..." My aunt brought up this topic to me more than once.I always answer: "The old man will definitely feel the irony in his heart." I believe that my father's spirit in heaven will be relieved, because he does not have himself in his heart.But, father, how can I be without you in my heart? When I pick up the pipe, I think of you.I suck your milk from the drypipe, father's milk.The mother's milk is blood-changed, and the father's milk is also blood-changed.The mother's milk is stored in the breast, and the father's milk is stored in the heart. Except for this dry pipe, my father left no souvenirs.No one thought of commemorating him, or giving him a memorial service.Father is too ordinary, too insignificant.What does the huge sacrifice he made have anything to do with history?History always records only the actions and fates of great men.As for characters like the father, they can only be included in the concept of "the masses of the people".Many people admit that history is made by the people.However, when they read or write history, in the concept of "people", how many entities with life, emotion and personality do they see? I remember my father, I mourn my father.My eulogy is the manuscript I wrote - "Marxism and Humanism".It is necessary, noble and great to engage in class struggle in order to eliminate class oppression and exploitation; it is absurd and cruel to artificially create classes and divide people and families in order to engage in "class struggle".The former liberates the people, the latter harms the people.The former really regards the people as "people", while the latter only regards the people as a tool that can speak. Sun Yue has never read this manuscript.I tried to show it to her several times, but her attitude stopped me.I met the editor of the publishing house the day before yesterday, and he told me that the manuscript was about to be published... I will give Sun Yue a book, which says: "Dedicate my thoughts and pursuits for more than 20 years..." No, this is not appropriate.This can be misleading.It should be written like this: "Comrade Sun Yue criticizes and corrects." "Comrade!" "Comrade!" We used to sing: "Our proudest title is Comrade. It is more honorable than any other title." Yet today, when we use this title for someone, it often leaves people feeling cold and alienation, why? "Comrade Sun Yue!" The yearning and pursuit of more than 20 years ended in this title?How chilling it is!However, the fact is exactly like this, and it can only be like this.Those diaries of mine will always be with me, and a little yellow flower, made of paper. A public case of more than twenty years has been settled.Start with "None" and end with "None".A young boy has become a half-old man, lying down, still so long; standing, still so tall.Naked come and go without care. "There is only one way in front of me, celibacy." No, Sun Yue, I don't want you to be like this.Give me the way! I will cherish this dry pipe forever.The pipe belonged to my father.The cigarette purse belongs to Sun Yue...how fine the stitches are...