Chapter 22 twenty one

Regret finally came back, so late.Her blisters were swollen and her eyes were red.I dare not ask her, where did she go?What did you talk about?I have a premonition that she must be looking for him. "Let's eat!" I pretended not to care at all, and brought out the dinner I had prepared for her. "I ate, mother." "Where did you eat?" "At... Uncle He's." She hesitated for a moment before answering. "Did you go to find... him?" I wanted to ask straightforwardly, "Did you go to see your father?" But I didn't want to reveal the child's thoughts.So use a vague pronoun - "he"

"I didn't look for him. I ran into Uncle He on the way back to my classmate's house. He took me to the cafeteria for dinner and gave me a letter." Her answer was also vague.I don't believe she met Jingfu by chance, but I don't want to point her out either.I was always uneasy and felt sorry for the child. She took out a letter and handed it to me. After reading the words on the envelope, I said to her: "I don't want to read the letter for you." Disappeared.She took back the letter, sat down at her desk, read the letter again, and drew two lines on the letter paper with a pen.Then she spread the letter on the table and went out.Said to ask a classmate to ask a math problem.

Regrettably, did she see her father?Why did Zhao Zhenhuan leave another letter, and He Jingfu handed it to Regret?Every question touches my heart, so who should I turn to for understanding? The letter was spread out on Regret's desk.I said I don't watch it.Unfortunately, I spread it out on the table, and deliberately drew a line somewhere, which means I must see it.In order not to disappoint the child, I'd better take a look! I stood at my sorry desk and read this letter.Where the underline is said to me.I know that Zhao Zhenhuan has left.I can't tell whether I am happy or sad, but there are always red and swollen eyes with regret.Did she cry in front of Jing Fu?What will Jingfu think of my action?I rejected a repentant heart, I prevented father and daughter from meeting.I was narrow-minded and selfish in my feelings.He must have seen it that way.But Jing Fu, do you know that all this is because of you?

"Mom!" Regret didn't enter the room yet, so she just yelled, for fear of embarrassing me, remind me?I hurriedly left her desk.I did not tell her whether I had read the letter.She didn't ask anything and I didn't say anything. "Mom, you said that Xunzi said 'at the beginning of man, nature is evil', right?" Unexpectedly, Regret suddenly asked me such a question.I don't know where she learned about Gouzi, and why she became interested in such a question.I asked, "How did you come up with this question?" "I saw a book "Research on Ancient Chinese Thought" from Uncle He. It said that Xunzi said that human nature is evil, and Mencius said that human nature is good. I believed in Gouzi..."

Her answer surprised me again.Why do you believe that human nature is evil at such a young age?Is it my usual influence on her?Am I showing my kids the dark side of life too much and too early?I thought about it, not knowing how to answer her. "Have you asked Uncle He? He is an expert in this field." I said.I deliberately mentioned Jing Fu, I want to talk about Jing Fu with her, I want to talk about Jing Fu with everyone.Jing Fu, Jing Fu, Jing Fu... "No. But, I don't believe in Gouzi anymore! I believe Mencius is right. Some people are good and some are evil. Isn't that right, mother?"

Although I am a university teacher, I have explained the "theory of human nature" and humanitarian issues more than once in class.But I don't know how to explain this issue to a fifteen-year-old child.Moreover, I don't want to explain this issue theoretically. I am more concerned about what is going on in the child's mind. "Unfortunately, this question is theoretically complicated. Tell me first, why do you believe that Mencius is right?" I asked. "Because I saw good people, very good people." "Who?" She doesn't mean her father, does she?

"Uncle He. Mom, Uncle He is so kind! He said, I should go to see Dad. He asked me to persuade you..." Regret said here, and looked at me attentively.Maybe my face has changed?She stopped talking. I understand, Mrs. Jing!You have resolved to end your quest.I asked you so yesterday.But today, how much I hope you don't do this!Could it be that this is the end of a public case that has been going on for more than twenty years?You and I both start with loss and end with loss.What a pity this is, Mrs. Jing! I pushed open the window hard.The sky is full of stars.In the city, the stars always appear dim, which does not arouse people's fantasy, but makes people feel that the universe is bleak and narrow.

Was Jing Fu here at this time last night?Will you still come today?How I want to go to him and have a good talk with him.For more than 20 years, we haven't had a few serious conversations like friends.We are always in agitation, and agitation prevents us from talking. Now, it's all over, really over.We can have a good talk.Like a pair of friends, the closest friends. Jing Fu, when I was united with Zhao Zhenhuan, when I tried to find a relief from Xu Hengzhong, did you ever misunderstand me?You'd think that all I was after was a family.In fact, not at all.I think that what I am after is noble and pure.It is precisely because of this that there are many setbacks and pains.I used to pity myself and feel unfair about my fate.But in the end, I respect and cherish myself.I don't complain about life, I don't doubt life.What I complain about is the childishness and innocence bestowed on me by the society, and what I doubt is my previous understanding and attitude towards life.After doubt, it may be despair, or it may be firmness.I think I'm going for the latter.

Life is not as lovely as I used to imagine.However, it was far less scary than I had imagined.Life is life.The whole beauty of life is that it is full of contradictions and turmoil.It devours the human soul, but also tempers the human soul.Now, I chew all kinds of bitterness in life, and taste the sweetness of life from this bitterness. Have you read Shakespeare's "The Tempest"?Therein lies the whole philosophy of the great artist.Shakespeare saw that life is full of struggles between beauty and ugliness, good and evil. He created not only elves that symbolize beauty and goodness, but also monsters that symbolize ugliness and evil.And the greatest creation is the magician who dominates everything in nature and the world, he is the symbol of perfect man.He showed human strength and confidence in his mastery of beauty and ugliness.He can set off strong winds and waves, overturn the big ship carrying princes and nobles; he can also order the calm in an instant, and gather all the beautiful things in nature around him; he masters history, manipulates the present, and creates the future; he promotes good and punishes evil, Eliminate hatred and sow love.

In short, this image tells people: Man is the master of everything.This idea is the crystallization of Shakespeare's lifelong pursuit and exploration.People who have not pursued and explored will not understand this kind of thinking. And I understand.Because I have pursued it, pursued it passionately.Moreover, I fell down on the way of pursuit, time and time again.So, I learned to think. The God of Destiny looks so powerful, it can play with all kinds of characters in the palm of its hand.How many brilliant and powerful figures have been teased by it.This phenomenon has caused many people to fall into despair, thus negating themselves and others.But isn't it because of our lack of self-awareness, self-esteem and self-confidence that this happens?Isn't it because we unconditionally give everything to fate to arrange?What if we regained self-awareness, self-esteem and self-confidence?What if we take back all the rights we have surrendered?Then we can control our destiny.

Now, I no longer look at myself and blame others.I am turning the "past" into the nourishment of "today", turning pain into the source of wisdom.This is definitely not Ah Q's self-deception.What is Ah Q?He has completely lost his self-esteem as a human being.He took low self-esteem as self-esteem, and imagined the bald sores on his head as electric lights that could shine brightly.When the tragedy of "Great Reunion" befalls him, he regrets that his circle is not round!Of course you can say "Mother's, only grandsons can draw round!" But everyone knows that Ah Q is a bachelor and has no grandsons.I don't want to put a layer of anesthetic on the pain, and I don't want to cover up yesterday, or turn it into today's joke.But I have learned that pain, like all other emotions, can be sublimated.Sublimated into art, philosophy, and faith.Although I lost my youth and love, it was not lost in vain after all.I caught the charcoal fire after the burning enthusiasm, enough to warm myself and light my way. Jing Fu, you once said that one should not just wait, but actively create.very true.Now, I just want to create, to create with you.If you have lived and thought about it, you should reap it.Whether it is weeds or thistles, it is always our creation, the creation of hard work.Since I was a child, I have dreamed of being a writer.However, in the first half of my life, I only worked as a student and teacher in the Department of Literature.I used to laugh at myself: my eyes are high, but my abilities are low.Now I understand that the reason is that I have not lived, pondered, suffered, and joyed seriously and independently.I paid for it.A huge price!However, the rewards will also be huge.Shouldn't be huge, can't be huge.As long as I have a breath, I will not stop asking for life!Jing Fu, since life has squeezed us, why can't we squeeze life too? Is that a figure, moving here?Is that you, Jingfu?Are you here to persuade me to forgive Zhao Zhenhuan and even reunite with him?Don't come, don't talk about this anymore, Mrs. Jing!I will forget what should be forgotten, and I will remember what should be remembered.Don't you understand, the more you persuade me, the harder it is for me to forgive him? When can I stop the pain of losing you, when can I forgive Zhao Zhenhuan.You can separate the two, but I can't, Jing Fu! However, when can I stop suffering from losing you?The love for you has greatly surpassed my first love.Because my love for you is by no means a simple pleasure for men and women, but a crystallization of my repeated review and refinement of all the pain in the past.Because of this, I cherish it very much, and I don't want it to be ridiculed and trampled on.But, Zhao Zhenhuan, has he thought of this?He just wants to redeem his soul, but he doesn't think that you and I need peace of mind.He seems to be afraid to erase his traces in my life and create a "pure land" for you and me.You value his confession, but I cannot forgive his selfishness.He needs understanding and friendship. Has he given it to me? What is poor regret writing with her head buried?Is it a letter? You seem to have stopped, not far from my window.The starlight and street lights are so dim, I can't see your face clearly, let alone your eyes.How much I want to run to you and tell you: I will bury my love for you forever in my heart.Jing Fu, the love buried in the bottom of my heart is the freest love!It gets rid of all forms.And marriage is nothing but a form of union between a man and a woman. From now on, we are true friends.I no longer feel embarrassed in your presence.I can help you and support you without fear, because we are just friends. I once compared myself to Gwen Buren in "A Loser", a person who has been abandoned by life.But now, I suddenly felt a sense of victory.Yes, once a wave of life threw me to the wilderness.However, tents have been set up on the wasteland, grass has grown, and rivers have been opened.The underground spring water is cleaner and sweeter than the water on the ground! What's the matter, you went back?Jing Fu!If I could turn into a star, I would fly out of this window, catch up with you, and fall into your arms. Jing Fu went.Far.out of sight.However, is that really you?I really can't see clearly! "Give me an envelope, mother!" Unfortunately, I am writing a letter.To whom?I had to get away from the window to get her an envelope. "Give me another stamp." If you don't tell me who it was written to, it must be a letter to Zhao Zhenhuan.I gave her a stamp. From now on, the thinning line will be drawn again, and it will become thicker and thicker.Sorry to describe.Zhao Zhenhuan also wants to describe.There is also Jing Fu, who is also helping to describe.I can only hide both: my resentment towards Zhao Zhenhuan, and my love for Jing Fu.Sorry, mom understands you, you have to understand mom too!Give up your naive fantasies!