Chapter 20 nineteen

The common noun "father" suddenly became a proper noun: "my father".Ever since my mother showed me that letter, I have cultivated a hatred for him in my heart.He lost his mother and me, and I hate him.He's with that woman I don't know and I hate him.He makes me blush when I think of my father, and I dare not mention "my father" in front of my classmates. I hate him. He said his hair was gray and he deserved it!But what does he look like with white hair?Is he an old man?I will use the word "old man" instead of him.Does he look good as an "old man"?

He said he had a little girl named Huanhuan.My original name was also Huanhuan.Why didn't he name the little girl something else?He said he misses me every day, I don't believe such sweet words, why don't you come to see me if you miss me? Today, at the branch meeting that approved me to join the League, the teacher said: "Sun Yu has made rapid progress recently, which is inseparable from the education of the parents." That's how my mother educated me.My parent is only my mother. "Old man" has no part.If he knew that I joined the group, how would he feel in his heart?Will you be as happy as your mother? "In City C, I have a daughter who has already joined the regiment!" He would say this to others. "Thanks, sorry mother! I didn't do my duty as a father. Ashamed, ashamed!" he would say to his friends.No, this is my own imagination, he will not know.Mom won't tell him, and neither will I.We never talk to him, as if we never knew this person.If he wants to be angry, tell him to be angry!He's got another ring anyway.

Does that Huanhuan look like me?I really want to know!Don't be like that bad woman!Blame that bad woman! But today, he suddenly came, "My father"! Can you see me?this father?Such a father?Of course we shouldn't see each other!However, how much I want to see if his hair is really white?I also want to ask him: what are you doing here?You have the right to act as if you don't have my daughter! Let me decide, Mom said.Why should I decide for myself?Can't mom call the shots? "For him, I can't forgive." Mom made her meaning clear.Should I forgive him?Mom doesn't force me.But what is mother's hope?I wanted to look into my mother's eyes, but my mother avoided it.Can I have a different attitude from my mother?Of course not.It was my mother who raised me, and I can only stand by my mother.There's a bad woman on his side.

"No, Mom!" I finally answered my mother.Mom's eyes flickered, as if she was happy.Mom didn't want me to see him.I guessed right.Otherwise, mother should be sad. After eating, my mother asked me to sit beside her again and held me in her arms.I know, Mom wants to comfort me. I lay in my mother's arms for a long, long time.Mom's heart beats so fast!She didn't speak, just stroked my head with her hands, gently, gently, and sighed from time to time.If this continues, I might cry!No, I have to be strong.I left my mother's arms and opened my schoolbag.Too much homework today!Foreign language, geometry, physics, the teacher is like a competition, and no one wants to miss a topic.I haven't watched TV or read novels for a long time.Myopia rose from 300 degrees to 4000 degrees.The teacher praised me for my progress.It took me a lot of effort and a hundred degrees of vision.It's a good deal!

"I have lived today." I had a good day today. "I have lived today." I had a good day today. "I have lived today." Did I have a good day today?I joined the group today.My dad is here today. "Sorry! Why do you keep saying this sentence?" Mom asked me. "I'm a little dizzy and tired! There's a meeting." I said, "I have lived today." My father is waiting for me at Uncle He's house. If I don't go, will he be sad? "I have..." "Unfortunately, stop reading when you are tired. Go out and play!" Mom said to me.

"But I have a lot of homework today..." I replied. "It's okay, today's situation is special, if you can't finish your homework, mom won't blame you." My mother's voice is very low, and my mother must be very sad.I am also very sad, mother!Today's situation is special!So special. "Unfortunately, don't you blame mom?" Mom asked me suddenly.She seemed to be watching me and listening to me all the time.You are, Mom!I have to do my homework! "What's your fault, mother?" I pretended not to understand.I closed my English book.

"You still want to see him in your heart, don't you? You didn't see him because you didn't want to make me sad? You blame your mother for being selfish, don't you, sorry?" My mother seemed to be getting old all of a sudden and turned into a wordy old lady.How I wanted to say to her, "Don't ask, mother! You're such a pain in the ass!" But I stopped when I saw the look in my mother's eyes.I do geometry problems.Draw another triangle.The exercise book is full of triangles.One point is the easiest.Two points make a line, just like me and my mother.But there is one more point, just one more point, and there are two extra lines for no reason, forming three angles and one surface!It's a lot more complicated!What if this point is erased?However, Dad cannot be erased.Things in the world are so complicated.It is known...to verify...it's annoying.known, known!I know that my father is at Uncle He's house, should I see him?Can anyone come up with this answer?No, I don't want to do it.Want to go out for a walk.Go wherever you want.I stood up and opened the door...

"Sorry, where are you going?" "Go to a classmate's house to play." "Tell me what lane and number it is, so I can find you later." "No, Mom. I'll be back after a while." When did it rain?Thin, greasy rain.My mother often said that this kind of rain is bad: "It's not too rainy, so the clothes are wet; if the words are not big, it's sad." Wet the clothes, let's wet the clothes, I'm not happy to go back to get the umbrella. Where are you going? Dad is at Uncle He's house.Uncle He invited him to go.Why did Uncle He invite him to go?Does he like my dad?No, it won't.Xi Wang secretly said to me: Uncle He loves my mother.Also asked me whether I agree or not.

"I'll know if you don't tell me." I said to Xi Wang. "Hey, it's not easy. How do you know?" He asked with a smile. "I can see it! Hmph, do you understand?" I replied. "Yo, little regret also knows what love is!" He winked and smiled at me, as if looking down on me.I answered him angrily: "I just understand, I just understand!" "Okay, okay. You understand. Do you agree or not?" I didn't answer Xi Wang's question.How can I express my opinion casually on the affairs of adults?Even if you express your opinion, you don't express it in front of Xi Wang!How old is he?If my mother or Uncle Ho asked me, I would say: "Yes! Totally agree!" I like Uncle Ho so much!I really like it!

But my father is here, can I agree with Uncle He and mother?This can be embarrassing.It depends on who my father is, right?If he is a bad person, Uncle He is better.But, would Uncle He leave a bad guy to live with him?Will not.But doesn't he hate Papa?Jealousy, like Othello?How terrible that Othello would kill Desdemona, love!In the future I'd better be a nun. Am I on my way to Uncle He's house?Then go to Uncle He and ask him why he left my father behind.If you meet him... then let's meet him, anyway, I didn't intend to find him, I won't lie to my mother. "Bang bang bang! bang bang bang!"

"Who is it? What are you doing with so much strength?" When I heard it was Xi Wang's voice, I said loudly, "It's me, sorry! Isn't Uncle He here?" The door opened.I looked around with my eyes, and there were only two people in the room: Uncle He and Xi Wang.The quilt on the bed was spread out, but it was shriveled, it didn't look like someone was sleeping in it.he left?The nose is sour, don't shed tears, let Xi Wang see the joke. Uncle He stretched out his hand and pulled me to his side, and tugged at my braid caressingly.I saw black circles around Uncle He's eyes, and he seemed to be very tired. Is it because of this?What's the matter today, Uncle He?Look at me so carefully!Just like when my mother looked at me just now, it seemed that my forehead and cheeks were written all over.I was so uncomfortable seeing him.No, I couldn't help it, the tears finally flowed out.Uncle He saw it and didn't ask me why, he just pressed my head hard and wiped my tears with his fingers.Xi Wang didn't ask me why.He handed over Uncle He's towel, and I wiped my face, tears streaming down my face even more. "Hey, little regret! You have a happy event today!" Xi Wang suddenly smiled and tugged at my braid, again with that old-fashioned tone!It's just that the speech is much softer than before.I don't know what he means, will I have any happy event? "I'm wearing the regimental emblem! Congratulations!" Xi Wang pointed at my chest.Really, I forgot about it, I should have told Uncle He.But does Xi Wang also regard joining the group as a happy event?He is not a member of the regiment. "I have a big beard! I won't join the youth organization anymore." He said to me. "Then do you want to join the party?" I asked him. "Huh? Then we have to take a look." He said. "What are you looking at? Are you qualified enough?" I asked. "Is it enough? What is it? Compared with my father, who is more qualified to be a Communist Party member? Tell me." "Of course you are." "Just for this. Little Regret, you have to admit it You don’t quite understand, you’re even a little bit worse than me? Huh?” The third and fourth, the third and fourth!But he congratulated me today, it seems that it is not fake. "Really, sorry! I haven't seen it yet!" Uncle He also looked at my regiment emblem. "I congratulate you too. There is a novel in the Soviet Union called "Gulia's Road". Have you read it?" I nodded. "According to Gulia, you have climbed to the first height on the road of life today. Don't slide down as soon as the red flag is planted! Come, tell uncle, what are you thinking about today?" Uncle He asked me to sit down in front of his desk, grabbed a handful of candy and put it in front of me.He sat on the bed by himself. What am I thinking about today?Thinking about something that has nothing to do with "height".Gulia's path seems to me to be very smooth.Wear a red scarf, join the Communist Youth League, join the party, and be a hero.Step by step, step by step.Is the path I climb the same as hers?I feel different.There seemed to be one more mountain in front of me than her, a high, steep mountain without steps.Climbing this mountain may not necessarily make you a hero, but it takes the greatest effort! Did you say that to Uncle He?No, no, Uncle He wants to ask: "Then tell me, what kind of mountain is this? Why do you have to climb this mountain? Just turn around!" "Why didn't you answer Uncle He's words?" Xi Wang asked me. I shook my head: "I didn't think about anything. Uncle He, what's the weather today! I'm so bored, I just feel sad!" When the word "sad" was mentioned, I burst into tears.What is Xi Wang afraid of here?Isn't there a time when he is bored?Didn't he cry? "Did Mom tell you about Dad?" Uncle He asked me in a low voice, and I nodded. "What do you think?" Uncle He asked me again, and I shook my head. Xi Wang seemed to be unable to restrain himself from speaking.He pushed up his glasses and looked at me like an old man: "Little Regret, don't you speak your mind in front of us? To tell you the truth, if it is my father, I will see him. I should see him!" " I looked at him in surprise.Unexpectedly, he would say such a thing!He is not close to his father at all, why would he speak for my father?Is he telling the truth?I looked at Uncle He, who nodded to me and said, "I should see him, sorry. Your mother's attitude is not calm enough." I felt like I had eaten a popsicle, and my heart was cool and sweet.Uncle He also spoke for Dad, which shows that Dad is not a bad person.Uncle He is a good man, and Uncle He will not be jealous.No, maybe what Xi Wang said was wrong, and I guessed wrong too.But why does mother like Uncle He's dry pipe?I really want to tell Uncle He the truth: "I know Dad is here with you, and I just came to see him." But where is Dad?where is dadI searched around with my eyes again, trying to find traces of my father.But…… "Your father was afraid that your mother would be too sad, so he decided not to see you. He left you this letter." Uncle He seemed to have read my mind, and while speaking to me, he opened the drawer, took out a letter from it, and handed it to me.The envelope reads: "Comrade He Jingfu forwarded it to Zhao Huan".Strange fonts, strange names, like a thin and long hook, evoked long-forgotten memories from the bottom of my heart.He likes to lift me up into the air with both hands and scare me: "I fell! I fell!" I was not afraid at all: "You dare! You dare!" He didn't dare.I frightened him again: "I'm jumping! I'm jumping!" My feet kicked in the air a few times. His hands couldn't hold my waist, so he quickly put me down and hugged me tightly. In his arms: "Little thing, be as naughty as your mother!" He finally put me down.The days have passed so long.Now, I am still his daughter and he is still my father.When I was fifteen years old, the first letter addressed to me was from my father. I turned my face away, to the wall, and read the letter. dad's letter ring ring: Lost the opportunity to meet you, how can I not be at peace.your mom I don't want you to see me, I know that.Would you like to see me?I used to I will never forgive myself for bringing misfortune to you and your mother.Pass Go, I didn't do my father's duty to you, I'm sorry.From now on, I will Make up for your mistakes and be a competent father. Huanhuan, don't forget me.Dad is at fault, you can blame him, hate him, but don't To forget him.Dad is breaking with past mistakes, Dad needs strength, my dear love daughter!Don't you want to help daddy? Huanhuan, my good boy! My hair is all white now, and you've only just learned how to live.I send you With infinite hope.I bless you every day, bless you and your companions To be able to live another life and stop being upside down like our generation.you The future is bright.Work hard, boy! Tell Mom: Anyone can go the wrong way.The road cannot be repeated, but the heart can return head.Life has sown too much resentment among men, marked too much The rift in the past needs to be filled and integrated with understanding and friendship.I believe there is always One day, she'll agree with me. We will definitely see you again.I am leaving. your dad "Dad!" I called out.For many years, I only called him that in my heart.But today, I want to call him that in person, in public.He's gone, he can't hear me calling him that. An old man with white hair is walking towards me, stretching out his trembling hands towards me: "Sorry, sorry! Help me, I'm old! But I still have to say goodbye to the past and climb up the mountain. It’s a high mountain.” Poor father, Regret is here to help you and help you climb to the top of the mountain. An old lady with gray hair was walking towards me, and stretched out her trembling hands towards me: "Sorry, sorry! Hold me fast, the mountain in front seems to be falling down and crushing me!" "Dear mother, here I come!Regret must support you to go far, and you will never see that mountain again! They are talking about a mountain! Two hands grabbed my arms and I was torn in two, my heart was broken!Dad, Mom, why can't you walk in the same direction and on the same road?Why do you want to separate?Now that there is today, why bother at the beginning!Back then, if you hadn’t gotten married and hadn’t given birth to a poor Huanhuan—regret, how wonderful it would be! Tears are like broken pearls, falling down one by one.Uncle He always wiped my tears away with his fingers.I took Uncle He's hand and called, "Uncle He!" I cried even more happily. Uncle He sighed for a long time, leaned his body against the railing of the bed, and at the same time put his hand under the pillow, holding something.I tilted my head and saw it was his pipe. Mom returned the pipe to Uncle He?why?Is it for Dad?Mom still has dad in her heart?No, no!Mom said she would never forgive him.So, Uncle He himself wants to come back?And why?Is it to ask mom to forgive dad and reconcile with dad?Uncle Ho is a good man!Uncle Ho is the nicest, best guy I've ever met! "Mr. Sun, I really don't understand her! It's a very simple matter, she handled it like this! She is in pain, the child is in pain, Zhao Zhenhuan is in pain, and you are in pain too!" "Xi Wang, don't talk nonsense!" Uncle He said to Xi Wang sternly. "Is that so! I think that after all, she still has a lot of selfishness in her relationship, and she thinks too much for herself!" Xi Wang argued unconvinced. Say mother is selfish?wrong!I want to protect my dear mother: "She sacrificed everything for me! You are selfish! Do you want to take care of these things?" I said angrily to Xi Wang. Xi Wang shook his head and sighed at me, pretending that the grown-ups didn’t see the villains, and said, “You, little regret, I still don’t understand. Parents give everything to their children, which is their responsibility to the society. We will have children in the future.” , will do the same. It is an obligation, not a sacrifice. To regard an obligation as a sacrifice creates selfish feelings." Fresh!What obligations and responsibilities, I do not understand.I knew my mother loved me.It is love from the heart, not someone forcing her to fulfill her obligations.If it is an obligation, why do some parents not fulfill this obligation?I don't believe him!He deliberately made up a theory to criticize my mother.Mom has already been criticized so much, do you still want Xi Wang to criticize again?I don't allow it!I can't tell the truth, but I must stab Xi Wang for a while, until he screams in pain and dare not talk nonsense.I told him: "Hmph! You can only talk big! Let me ask you, do children have responsibilities to their parents? Why don't you fulfill your responsibilities? Think about how you treat your father! You still talk about others!" The spark in Xi Wang's eyes dimmed.I heard him sigh.After a pause, he slowly pushed up his glasses, and said to me very gently: "Little Regret, you are amazing! I broke your heart, and you want to break mine, right? ?” He can guess everything, how old is he than me?Strange! "If my father could say to me like this: 'Wang'er, my father made a mistake, but my father has to correct it now! Come and help my father!' I would definitely jump up for joy! Not only would I extend my hands to him, Will willingly get down on the ground: "Dad, there is a puddle here, step on my back!" But Dad doesn't think he has any fault. You know, what he is sorry for is not his wife and children, but The party, the people, history! But he doesn’t think he’s at fault. The turbulent tide of the times is about to wash him onto the beach, and he’s still shaping himself into a hero in his fantasy, waving his hands and stomping his feet to order the Irresistible current: 'Get off! You're on the wrong track! Get off!' Oh, what a shameful and pathetic sight! If I could, I'd give him a hard push, or push him Go into the tide of the times, let him drink a few sips of water, and swim forward; or push him under the shade of a tree, let him have a good rest. But, I don't have such strength..." I think Xi Wang's words are like poetry, with an irresistible force that penetrates people's hearts!I haven't met his dad, but I believe his dad is like that!A dry old man stood by the sea with his cheeks puffed up, and he waved his hands and stamped his feet to order the tide that was flying towards the shore: "Go back, it's the wrong way! Go back!" The rushing tide choked He mouthed salty water and foam, and the sea breeze blew his cheeks down.He couldn't shout anymore... Hee hee!Rigid thinking!Xi Wang's father is not as good as my father!Xi Wang finally admitted today.This Xi Wang is very good, I was too fierce to him just now.I smiled at him shyly, and he smiled too. But why can't my mother treat my father like Xi Wang? "You said, is my mother selfish?" I asked Uncle He. Uncle He has already taken the cigarette pouch out from under the pillow.He held the pipe rod in his hand, and looked at the cigarette purse over and over again.After listening to my words, he looked at me again and again, and then said a word: "You should be considerate of my mother. She has her difficulties." I am happy.Uncle Ho didn't criticize my mother.I hope they: Dad, Mom, Uncle He, no one should criticize anyone. Xi Wang seemed to disagree with Uncle He's opinion.He glanced at Uncle He and wanted to say something.But Uncle He looked at him, and he stopped talking.But still shook his head.Seeing his appearance, Uncle He smiled and said to him, "You, I'm too anxious. As for the problems left over from history, we can only treat them from the perspective of history." "But who should bear the burden of history? The next generation?" Xi Wang asked.He was like a fighting rooster, and when the time came to argue, his spirits came. "The responsibility on the shoulders of the next generation is heavy enough. The wheel of history is mainly driven by you!" Uncle He replied. "However, the fact now is that our generation, as well as the regrettable generation, are sharing the suffering of their parents. We keep hearing the lesson: you have to be considerate of the previous generation, and you have to be considerate of your parents. But the previous generation is considerate Is it the next generation? Do parents consider their children?" Xi Wang said. Why is he so excited?He treats me like I'm not of his generation.Strange!But I think he's right.As children, we have the hardships of being children. "You are still young!" Mom always said to me like this.But think about it, when you were fifteen years old, did you also encounter such complicated problems as I encountered?The book says: If you plant melons, you will reap melons, and if you sow beans, you will reap beans.What have I planted?I don't grow anything.I'm still learning to walk with adults!But my basket is already full of bitter gourds, which are so heavy that I can't even carry them.They are all grown-ups.That torn photo, and today's letter!Said it was history.What is history?I have neither seen it nor dealt with it.But it pressed the burden directly on my shoulders, as if I had offended it!is this fair "Xi Wang, you are always so eager to distinguish everything." Uncle He spoke again.I'd like to hear how he refuted Xi Wang. "You should understand that cognition and practice, theory and reality, are always in the unity of opposites. And first of all is the opposite, and then is the unity." Uncle He said.He had put down the pipe, put it under the pillow again, and pressed the pillow twice with his hand. "But you don't want to see opposition." "I see it. But I think actions should be taken to promote the unification of contradictions. But you just want me to wait." Xi Wang argued, "Waiting and conformity are always allies." After saying this, Xi Wang's eyes met Uncle He glanced hard, as if very proud. Uncle He just smiled and said, "It would be great if we didn't have to wait! Who doesn't want to eat peaches right away. If the peaches are already ripe and hanging on the tree, what are you waiting for? Waiting for them to fall into your mouth by themselves? "I laughed, and Xi Wang laughed too.Uncle He's speech is more interesting than Xi Wang's. "But we have to wait!" Uncle He continued, "The word history is very abstract. But the various factors that make up history and drive history forward, especially people, are concrete, complex, and diverse. Diverse and strange. Why shouldn't we wait for those who bear the burden of the times with us? The history of a nation, the history of an era, is the collection of the histories of thousands of individuals. In this gathering process, everyone has to complete their own historical path, won’t you allow them to go? Will you carry the cart of history on your shoulders alone?” "History is not a bicycle, Xi Wang!" I thought it was interesting, so I interjected.Xi Wang's glasses asked twice, but he stopped talking.Uncle He is still great. "But——ah!" Xi Wang's face and tone softened, what did he want to say?Why not go on? "However, I'm not pouring cold water on you, Xi Wang. I envy the young people of your generation. They are bolder, more sober than us from the beginning, have the courage to create, and are eager to reform. You are not like our generation who have gone through tortuous roads to have A little bit of awakening. After awakening, you still carry a heavy burden. But it is also because you have little connection with history, you don’t understand the true weight of history, and you look down on it a bit! I agree with you to look at it with a long-term perspective The world, look at the past, present and future. I just hope that when you put your knowledge into practice, you can squat down as much as possible, look more carefully, and think more thoughtfully. Don’t forget that you are also an ordinary, ordinary people. That way, you won’t feel alone.” "Maybe, I can't wait until the day of practice!" Xi Wang sighed. "I believe I can wait. Excuse me, how old are you?" Uncle He said. I scratched my nose, looking ashamed.Xi Wang wanted to pull my braid. "Well, sorry! We wait. What are we waiting for in the future? A wide and flat asphalt road?" After hearing Xi Wang's words, Uncle He smiled and shook his head: "Okay, let's not talk about these. Regret is not interested in these. Right, Regret?" "No, I'm interested. I agree with you, Uncle Ho. I should wait for Mom to finish her history, shouldn't I?" I said. "Yes!" Uncle He patted my head, satisfied with my answer.But he reached under the pillow again and took out the pipe.See if the cigarette bag can satisfy the addiction?I do not believe.Uncle He is not at peace! "But, Uncle He..." I want to ask Uncle He, what will happen if my mother finishes her own history?But when I saw Xi Wang pricked up his ears, I stopped talking. I took a look at Xi Wang, shouldn't he leave?He came before me.The time to stay is not short.I want to talk to Uncle He alone.