Chapter 19 eighteen

Zhao Zhenhuan is here. Yesterday, Xu Hengzhong said to me nervously: "I told you something unexpected, don't get excited." Everything that passes through his mind will change color a little bit.What's so exciting?I have seen it.I just went back to the room to get something, and saw them walking out with a person in their arms, and I recognized Zhao Zhenhuan at a glance.But I don't want to say this to Xu Hengzhong. "Zhao Zhenhuan is here. He wants to see you." right!What's so unexpected about this?It occurred to me that one day we would meet again, with him as the penitent and I as the victim.But he came today, not at the right time!I am trying to forget the past and get closer to He Jingfu.

"I don't see you." I said to Xu Hengzhong. "By the way, I can't see you. He is married and has a child. He came to you just to seek a little more emotional comfort. He should understand that China is monogamous now, and he has no right to come here from You seek solace in you." What he said speaks volumes.But his expression disgusted me.It's really a look of special concern for me, but it makes people feel that this is done specially.I interrupted him and said to him: "I understand, Old Xu. Please tell him that I don't see him." "Wu Chun was about to drive him away, but Lao He insisted on keeping him. He even told him to live with him." He said with a complaining look.

"What did you say?" "Zhao Zhenhuan lives with He Jingfu! It's all He Jingfu's idea!" I didn't look in the mirror, so I don't know if my face changed color at that time.But Xu Hengzhong's words really hit me in the head, and I felt dizzy.He Jingfu wants to keep Zhao Zhenhuan and persuade me to see him, I want everything.But I never thought that he would live with Zhao Zhenhuan!Originally, Zhao Zhenhuan was like a multi-faceted mirror, lying between He Jingfu and me.Through him, we can all see ourselves and each other, and see our history that should have been forgotten.We need mirrors, but not such mirrors.These days, all my efforts are aimed at bypassing this mirror, standing with He Jingfu, facing a one-way mirror, only seeing the present and the future.But now, He Jingfu wants to pick up this mirror and stand between me and him.Zhao Zhenhuan lived with He Jingfu!My "past" lives with my "present".History and reality have always shared a belly, and this belly is now opening its mouth wide to swallow my future.I hate it so much!Who do you hate?Hate Zhao Zhenhuan?Hate He Jingfu?Or do you hate the reporter Xu Hengzhong?Still hate yourself?I can't think clearly or explain clearly at once.But, I want to meet this Zhao Zhenhuan.For everything he has given me, I want to see him.For his presence today, I want to see him!

"Then, please tell Zhao Zhenhuan that I will see him." Xu Hengzhong couldn't understand my sudden change. He tried hard to persuade me: "You should calm down. You are still young, so you can't let him drag you to death." I don't believe one can be dragged to death by another.I said to Xu Hengzhong: "I am calm, Old Xu. There is one thing I forgot to tell you. I asked my friend Li Yining to find someone for you. She called me yesterday." He blushed. "There is a lesbian, in her thirties, never married, good-looking, and her family's financial conditions are particularly good. When do you think you will make an appointment with Li Yining, and we will meet?"

He blushed up to his neck.After hesitating coyly for a while, he finally spoke: "Let's meet at People's Park next Sunday!" This is great.I sincerely wish him well. "He Jingfu will come to talk to me about this matter. You have children at home, go home and rest!" He stood up and left, and before leaving, he said: "It's better not to see you!"... Now, Zhao Zhenhuan is standing in front of me.He hesitated and held out his hand to me timidly.I didn't move.His hand retracted again. I looked at him wantonly, like looking at an old and faded portrait.I want to distinguish: where has been distorted, and where remains the same.

His hair was really white, all white, but still so thick.He has always been proud of his hair: thick, silky, black and shiny.He is always well combed and kept in a certain style.Now, it's messy too. It turned out that the outline of the face was drawn with a single stroke, but the edges and corners were shown due to the thinness.So many added lines around the eyes, mouth and forehead! "Open your eyes up, try to open them! Open them again! I'm going to draw some wrinkles on your foreheads." Is it the fifth grade of elementary school?We're going to put on costumes and take to the streets for publicity, and he and I will act as an old couple.The make-up teacher was worried about our wrinkle-free face.Our eyes cannot be opened any wider.The teacher had no choice but to touch our smooth forehead with disappointment and affection, and sighed, "Forget it, just draw two strokes like this! It doesn't look like it at all!" He put white powder on our heads, which is considered white hair.We twisted, sang, and made faces in the street.The adults pointed at the two of us: "Look at them! You're so ridiculous!" His father secretly scolded him: "It's outrageous!"What kind of couple do children pretend to be?

After all, life is the best makeup artist. We no longer have to lift our eyelids up desperately, and the lines are drawn naturally. "Sit down!" I politely pointed to the chair and made him a cup of tea.He doesn't like to drink too much. He was looking, timidly.His eyes flicked across my entire home.Added several books.He leaned his head closer to see what book it was.The skin is peeling off.The child's head he drew with chalk still left a little trace, right where the wall peeled off!I should have painted the room. A children's bed, which I bought for regret, is now tucked away in a corner, covered with clutter.Here, we once admired a little life just born a few days ago, with a face like him, eyebrows and eyes like mine.As soon as the child was born, I sent him a telegram: "I have given birth to a daughter, come quickly." He came.But just two days later, he received another telegram from the newspaper office: "There is an urgent mission, come back quickly!" He kissed the child, kissed me, and left.I was crying before he got to the door.I suddenly feel the need to rely on!How can I raise this little life by myself?He stopped, came back, and sat next to me again: "I won't go! What task must I do?" I wiped my tears and pushed him away: "Go, go! I can do it alone." He He sighed and stood up again.At the door, he looked back.I didn't cry, but when he walked down the stairs, I cried bitterly holding the baby alone!This child has increased my attachment to him and I feel that I cannot leave him anymore.

The vase on the cabinet is new.Flowers are flowers.It turned out that what was placed there was a bright red glass vase, which was a wedding gift from our classmates.Inserted are beautiful plastic flowers.On the day of my divorce, I broke it.I don't like to keep any souvenirs. He turned his gaze to me, from head to toe. "You haven't changed much, you are still so young!" After looking at you, he said. How lightly said, little change!You want me to be like you, with all the black hair turning gray?Don't you think you haven't hurt me enough? "Thank goodness I'm still alive today," I replied.

"I know you hate me," he said. hatred?Not enough?It should be said to be contemptuous!I smiled coldly: "In that case, you shouldn't come." "I don't dare to ask you anything, I just ask you to still treat me as a friend. We are still childhood friends!" When he spoke, he kept catching my eyes. My childhood friend, yes!What a precious friendship!I looked at him, but he avoided it.I can only look at him like this! "Now, I can't ask you to treat me as a lover anymore. But we grew up together, childhood friends! Don't force me too much, don't make me worse!" I appeal to you in the letter.I was so exhausted from the fight that I couldn't stand the double pressure.

"Why are you pestering me so shamelessly! What childhood sweetheart? Don't be so sentimental!" You replied in your letter. I was shocked, as if I heard such words again.I look at him.Not what he said.His current expression definitely does not look like someone who can say such words.But can what was said in the past not count? "I forgot what our relationship used to be! My memory is not as good as yours." I said with a sneer. He fell silent.The muscles at the corners of his mouth twitched a few times, like laughing and crying.He wasn't like this before. "You will regret it," I wrote him.

"After I leave you, I will go to beg with a stick, and I will not regret it. I will not look for you again." He wrote back. The words are still ringing in my ears!Is he the one sitting in front of me today? "Why do you still have the face to come to me?" I laughed at him presumptuously.He should know what I mean.Will I forget the words I said and the letters I wrote? He moved the corner of his mouth again, whether crying or laughing, he said: "You should ask me how I have the courage to come to you! I smoke." I shook and stopped talking.Hand him an ashtray.They all learned to smoke.Free tea, wine, boring smoking.Are you all bored?It's just boring. "People always have thoughts and feelings. When I think of the misfortune I have brought to you, I really want to kill myself!" He lit a cigarette and smoked vigorously. beat yourself up!I did it, and when I came back from a fight at school that day, another letter urging divorce was handed to me. "You are holy! You shouldn't marry me, a layman. Marry your ideals, your career!" I bumped my head against the wall, and I beat my shoulders desperately, and bruises appeared on my shoulders. Dare to let my daughter see... "Enough! Enough! I don't want to hear such a confession anymore! I am not the Virgin, I am not God. You go to them! I will not forget the past! I don't want to forget the past!" I knocked my fist on the desk. On the glass panel, the glass was broken, and there was blood on the hand.When he saw it, he stretched out his hand in panic, trying to wipe away the blood for me.I got rid of him and sucked the wound with my mouth. He was surprised at first, then looked at me sadly.Seeming disappointed, he sighed deeply.After a long pause, a wry smile appeared on his face. "Sun Yue, I know I should be punished. But you didn't even give me a chance to repent. Your attitude is not fair!" He tried his best to calm himself, so his voice was low. "Justice? You demand justice? Have you ever given me justice?" I roared.The wound on my hand is still very painful, so I put a piece of wound ointment on it. "Sun Yue!" He also roared, like a wounded beast, ferocious and sad.I looked straight at him.His tone became low again: "I am not mainly here to seek forgiveness, but to seek understanding. I think we should understand each other, and we can understand each other. Because now, I am not only facing you, You are not just facing me. We are facing the past history together, as well as our present and future. Our husband and wife relationship no longer exists, but we are still classmates, friends, and parents of the same child. You don’t You can think about me, but you have to think about your children." "Have you thought about the child? At that time..." When I mentioned the child, I had a stomach full of bitterness to pour on him. "Mom, why doesn't Dad come to see me?" "Daddy's busy, kid. Don't mention him, baby, okay?" "Kids in kindergarten are all wearing military uniforms, I want military uniforms!" "Mom will buy it for you." "Everyone bought it for my father, and I want my father to buy it." "Okay, Mommy wrote to Dad and asked him to buy it." I wrote a "letter" and pretended to send it.After three days, I bought a small military uniform for my child to wear. "Hello, Dad! Mom wrote to thank Dad! I'll write to thank Dad too, okay?" Write it, boy!write it!How many words do you know?But the words "Huanhuan thank you Dad" can already be written.One stroke at a time, crooked and crooked.I "sent" it to you. Want me to think about my child? "Sun Yue, please, stop talking!" His eyes and tone told me not to continue.I turned my face away and wiped away the tears that were about to well up. "I was sorry for my child in the past. I am going to make it up in the future. Don't you even give me such a chance? You see, my hair is all white. And..." He took out a wallet from his pocket and took out a Show me a photo: "This, I always carry with me A photo of the three of us.It's a pity that I took it when I was one year old. He was in tears, looking at the photo.Without a handkerchief, he wiped his tears with a mask.I twisted a towel for him. I felt that the anger in my heart had calmed down a little, but sorrow had arisen. "Sun Yue, you should believe that the lessons of life itself are much more profound and powerful than your condemnation. Now I understand that I never really loved you in the past. Or, what I love is not your whole body. Those who can love you like this , only him——He Jingfu. You are right. You should pursue, you should fantasize, and you should relentlessly search for the meaning and purpose of life. I came here to tell you this. Ah, Sun Yue! If life could start over... ..." I interrupted him: "Stop talking. You already have a new home. For your wife and children, cheer up! Live well!" "Yes, I already have a new home." The muscles at the corners of his mouth moved again.I am afraid to see!Cry if you want!Laugh if you want!why? "Let me see my daughter! I miss her..." He got up, walked to my desk, and looked down at the photos under the glass.All sad photos.Almost all the photos of my life from the full moon to the present are placed in this place where I can see them every day.He looked at and stroked one by one, and kept yelling, "Huanhuan! Huanhuan!" I want to cry, but I don't want to cry in front of him.I was afraid that I would not be able to hold on, so I stood up and walked back and forth in the room. He sat down in my seat.When he came to visit relatives before, I gave him the position.He has pulled me to sit on a chair with him many times and begged me: "Please tune in with me! A long period of suspense between the north and the south can certainly produce beautiful poems. But poems can't replace life! I always answer him: "Follow the organization's arrangement! The organization will care about us. We shouldn't ask anything from the organization. I'm a party member." "Am I sorry for him?" This question popped up suddenly, and I immediately broke out in a cold sweat. If I had chosen He Jingfu, if I had lived with him after marriage, if it hadn't been for this scene, I couldn't tell what I wanted Unclear wind and rain hit, perhaps this tragedy would not have happened? He put his head on the desk, his shoulders were twitching, and I couldn't stand his crying.When I was a student, as long as I was a little cold to him, he would cry and get sick. I approached him and stopped behind him.It was a habit ten years ago, he was sitting and I was standing behind him.He's still twitching his shoulders.I inserted my hand into his thick white hair involuntarily, and said to him: "Don't cry! I promise, I will let you regret it." He turned around suddenly, grabbed my hand and covered his face.His tears flowed down my fingers.Tears are hot.The wound ointment on his hand was soaked with tears, and the wound ached again. I shuddered.What's wrong with me?Reconciled?Forgive?So easy?Is it really as Hamlet said: weak man, thy name is woman?Can a few tears wash away the humiliation I have suffered?Can a few kind words calm the pain of the wound?Besides, tears can only irritate the wound. But what can I do with him?I haven't learned revenge yet! "Is your daughter doing well in her studies?" he asked. "Very well. The child is very hardworking." I replied, pulling my hand back. "Give me a chance to redeem my child, I will thank you very much, Sun Yue!" He looked at me earnestly. I looked at my watch, it was almost time for lunch.Unfortunately, there is no class this afternoon, I have to come back for lunch.Just let them meet? "Come on, Regret! This is your father!" I pulled Regret and pushed him in front of him.Is this a scene from a movie?By the way, it is a foreign movie.The father came to see his illegitimate son, and the abandoned mother recognized the husband for the sake of the child.The father was still single.The name is justified, and the broken mirror is reunited.But what about my role today? "Regret, this is your father, called Dad." Regret called him "Dad", and then turned around and called me "Mom".What kind of relationship is this?What will people think of me?Call me magnanimous, or call me weak and deceitful? "It's getting late, you can go. Sorry, I will discuss with regret." I finally said to him. His face changed immediately, and he became nervous: "Will she see me? Normally, you taught her to hate me, right?" "I don't know if she wants to see you or not. She hasn't had a father for so many years. Now it's coming suddenly... I think she probably doesn't want to see you." I said coldly, trying to restrain my sympathy for him. "I beg you, Sun Yue! Don't deprive me of this little hope! Your future is happier than mine, you have He Jingfu..." The corner of his mouth twitched again. I have He Jingfu!A nameless anger rushed into my heart, I grabbed the chair and threw myself on the floor, shouting with all my strength: "I hate you! I will never forgive you!" His facial muscles twitched, and my heart constricted.We stood face to face, watching, for a long, long time.He first turned his eyes away, and said softly: "Okay, I'm leaving! Sun Yue, one day, you will regret what you did today. For the sake of your child, you will definitely regret it." he's gone.I stood where I was, without saying goodbye.I will regret it?For children?What can I do to my child?From her birth to the present, for more than ten years, I have endured hardships, cut down on food and clothing, and endured humiliation. Isn't it all for her?When the child grows up, comrades, friends, and relatives are all happy for me: "Sun Yue, you have finally survived 2" The word "boil" contains such profound and rich meanings!That is a series of poignant stories!People who have not "suffered" will not understand.Over the years, a belief has supported me: "You must bring up your children and teach them well!" Children are my whole life.My child is all my hope.With my child, I can say to life: "I must live!" With my child, I can say to him—Zhao Zhenhuan, without shame: "You are the one who was abandoned, not me!" What about me alone?No matter who it is, they will justly say to me: "She belongs to you! She only belongs to you!" But now, I want to dedicate my child and turn my hard work into comfort for others. I'm someone with kids.Otherwise, I will be sorry for the child, and I will regret it.This is real?How could there be such an injustice in the world?I do not believe.I don't believe it at all. Footsteps sounded on the stairs: "Deng! Deng! Deng!" It seemed that the floor was about to be trampled through.Regret is back.She went upstairs like this all the time.No matter how many times I told her: "Take it easy, take it easy..." She agreed, but every time she went upstairs, she still said "Deng! Deng! Deng!" "Mom—" dragging her tongue, acting coquettishly and being naughty, what's the fun?I try to calm myself down so that she doesn't feel any strangeness.As usual, I promised and asked again: "Are you back?" "Mom, guess what!" Regret was already standing in front of me, covering his chest with his right hand, his face full of joy. I took her right hand, looked up and thought: "Regiment emblem, isn't it?" She shouted happily and took down her right hand, and sure enough, it was a regiment emblem. Comrade Sun Regret, a "person without party affiliation", joined the Communist Youth League!I was genuinely happy and smiled.Regret wrapped his arms around my neck. "Mom, how old were you when you joined the regiment?" "Fourteen." "I'm later than you." "It's not too late. You are much more sensible than when your mother joined the regiment." Regret's eyes are shining.It was like this when I joined the group.However, when I joined the League, I had no thoughts other than believing in everything.Regret is different. "Mom, isn't it too sensible? My classmates say that my mind is unstable, and my mood fluctuates. It's like this, Mom. I get excited when I see good people and good things in the newspaper, and when I encounter bad people and bad things in my life. Just get discouraged. I promise to overcome it in the future. You supervise me, oh? Mom!" I patted her head and smiled.I did not promise to exercise the power of supervision.My emotions in my teenage years have been stable and rising.But now?Emotional stability, is this a strength or a weakness?It is associated with blind optimism, ignorance, and unresponsiveness.Is there some intrinsic connection between insensitivity?Can't tell, really can't tell.When I get older, I lack the self-confidence of my regretful classmates.So, I can only pat the child on the head noncommittally. "Mom, will our generation be like yours?" She was so excited, she kept thinking and asking. "How?" "Twisty?" "No way?" "Then we'll go through life well, won't we, mother?" "Live a life smoothly!" This is just the child's hope.can you?I can't guarantee it.When I was in school, how many times did I hear teachers and elders say to me: "You are different from us! It's easy, you soaked in sweet water!" But, didn't you soak in sweet water for too long?The bitterness finally came out.Do we still have to educate our next generation like this?No.In fact, the road of regret is not very smooth at the beginning.She is bearing pain and misfortune that other children have not.And that's what our lives have brought her.This is the first inheritance she inherited from her parents.What legacy shall we leave her?And what about her own creations? My heart hurts slightly.Always feel sorry for the child.Just now I believed so much that I had made a huge sacrifice for the child, but now I suddenly feel that the child has made the sacrifice for myself.I'm also emotionally unstable. "Sorry!" I lifted the child's head from my shoulders, looked at her lovingly and said, "There is one thing, Mom wants to discuss with you." "What's the matter, mother?" She was still so happy, blinking her eyes mischievously. "Your father is here. He wants to see you." The smile on her face suddenly disappeared: "Where is he?" "Uncle He Jingfu's." I replied. "Why live there?" She seemed surprised.What did she think of? "Uncle He invited him to go." I replied flatly. "Huh? Have you seen him?" She looked at me. "See you. Did you see me?" I replied, and asked her again. "You decide!" I said. "I can't forgive him. I can't forget the past. But you, mother can't force you." The heart has been beating rapidly.I don't know what answer to expect to hear.I want my child to understand my mood and situation, but I never want her to feel that I am putting a heavy burden on her soul.It's contradictory, I know.However, I am so conflicted. I wait for an answer.She kept looking at my face, paying special attention to catching my gaze.It seemed that her answer was right in my eyes.I waited for a long time, and she finally said a few words: "No, Mom." "It's a pity!" I hugged the child, "Mom and you depend on each other. We depend on each other!" Regret nodded, and fell in my arms, unwilling to raise his head again.My heart sank. Maybe, I should have said, "Go, boy! Mom doesn't want you to die for Mom!" Perhaps, I should have said, "Forgive him, son! Mother was at fault too." But I only said this sentence: "Unfortunately, let's leave it at that. Let's eat."