Chapter 18 seventeen

Now, only Zhao Zhenhuan and I are left in the room.I think I should invite him to dinner first.But he said he didn't want to eat it, and he didn't want to eat it anyway, and I didn't want to eat it either.There are also some soda crackers, which I take out and make two cups of hot tea. "Eat some!" I pushed the biscuit box in front of him. He shook his head and held out his hand to me and said, "Do you have a cigarette? I want to have a cigarette." I pointed to the door behind him, and showed him a sign hanging there: "I have quit smoking, and I will not serve guests with cigarettes." I wrote this after I got out of the hospital.I said to Regret: "Uncle will not smoke from now on!" Regret leaned closer to my ear happily and whispered: "I found a secret! Mom likes your pipes and often takes them out to look at them. She thought I was asleep But I'm pretending to be asleep!" When the sign was put up, regrets were there, she said, she must tell her mother...

"How many times have I quit. But when I feel unhappy, I still want to smoke." Zhao Zhenhuan looked at the sign and said with a helpless smile. "It's better to quit! I think your health is not good." I advised him. "Yes, I have to quit. You quit so thoroughly that you don't have a single stock left?" He stretched out his hand to me again. "No. I'm a dry tobacco smoker," I said. "Han tobacco is also fine. Give me a bag." His hand is still outstretched. "But the pipe..." I didn't want to say it. "Burn it too? Why bother!" he said regretfully.

"It's not burned, it's taken care of by someone else." I don't know why, I don't want to explain the matter, but I want him to understand. "Is it your girlfriend?" He retracted his hand and asked me. "..." I was stunned for a while, how should I answer? "Really?" he asked again. "It's a kid, sorry." I think it's better to answer like this. "Regret?" The muscles at the corners of his mouth twitched, like crying and laughing, which ruined his straight face.He is so much older.I can't imagine that this is Zhao Zhenhuan who was sitting on a tricycle with the beautiful Sun Yue back then.

"It's a pity. It's the daughter of you and Sun Yue. She sometimes comes to play with me. She is a very cute child." I tried my best to say calmly. His eyes lit up: "Regret looks like Sun Yue, doesn't it?" "Basically like Sun Yue, but also like you in some ways." "Really? Have you ever talked about me? She has a bad impression of me!" "Regret doesn't want to talk about my dad at all." My answer was almost rude.The subject is too disturbing.The unusual friendship that has developed between me and Regret over the days has also annoyed me even more.In my heart, I already regarded myself as her father.However, today came her real father, dear father!I still sit with him and talk about such topics!How uncomfortable it is!However, I stayed him, isn't it just to discuss this topic with him?

From the moment I saw clearly that it was Zhao Zhenhuan standing in front of me, my heart has never been at peace.When the distance between me and Sun Yue is shortening and our hearts are getting closer, what will the arrival of this person bring to Sun Yue, that is, to me? "Don't let Sun Yue see him!" This was the first reaction formed in my mind.I was the first to leave Sun Yue's house with my arms around him.But now I'm the one keeping him. He has been watching me and my room discreetly.I wanted to ease the atmosphere, so I asked him: "I don't know you anymore, looking at me like that?"

"Familiar and strange at the same time." He replied, stroking his white hair unconsciously.He is so old. "This is very dialectical. I feel the same way about you." I said with a smile. "Still a bachelor?" His eyes lingered on my bed. "I'm afraid a celibate society is about to be formed. Chairman himself." "It should be a family." "There are many things that should be done, but they may not all be done. There are many inevitable factors, and there are also many accidental factors..." I couldn't reveal everything in my heart to him.I regard his presence as an accidental factor.

He seemed to have realized something, so he stopped talking about the issue, but stretched out his hand to me: "Where can I ask for two cigarettes to smoke? Are there any comrades who live here who smoke?" The corner of his mouth twitched again. , showing both a cry and a smile.Now I realize that this is already his habit.I feel bad for him.I promised him, "Okay, I'll go get some cigarettes." I went to the canteen and bought a pack of cigarettes and handed it to him.He smoked greedily, and handed me the cigarette again: "Smoke one too! Occasionally, never again." "No, I won't smoke." I refused.

"What I lack is your perseverance. So, I went downhill." He said to me, exhaling thick smoke. "Perseverance comes from exercise, not from the womb." I said. "I can't exercise your temper." He said. "Because you don't have my experience." I said. "That's true. What kind of experience am I? Smooth or tortuous? Even I can't tell. Some people call me lucky, but I feel very unlucky." He smoked one cigarette after another. . Really, what kind of experience was his experience?Over the years, he has not been an object of exercise, nor has he become a "positive motivator."He has been watching and following like a bystander, like a stone without edges and corners, flowing with the sand, never wanting to choose a place to stay.During the "Anti-Rightist Movement" in 1957, he had every reason to fight me hard. In this way, he could not only express his position, but also vent his personal grievances.But he didn't do that.He never spoke at a meeting criticizing me, and he never posted a big-character poster criticizing me.He always avoids me.He formed a mystery in my heart, and also left some good feelings.However, he also felt unfortunate.I admit that he is indeed unfortunate.But who caused his misfortune?

"My father was a poor intellectual who taught in the countryside all his life. I have been taught by him since I was a child: scholars should not get involved in politics. Politics is terrible and dirty. I followed his words I did. But there is no Xanadu. My father could not escape political attacks even in his environment. During the "Cultural Revolution", he was paraded in the streets as a "feudal old man". Even in the vortex of politics. I see all kinds of horror and filth in politics more and more clearly than my father. Where can I hide? Home? To comfort myself. In the end, I mortgaged my soul to the devil.”

"You mortgaged your soul to the devil!" His words made my heart tremble.I am reminded of the image of Faust in Goethe's long poem "Faust".Faust, who lived in the asphyxiating air of the Middle Ages, pledged his soul to the devil in hopes of enjoying the greatest pleasure.Unexpectedly, today, some people still make this kind of mortgage in order to escape the storm of politics.Faust redeemed his soul, what about Zhao Zhenhuan? "Maybe the devil doesn't have so many soul bottles, and you can still redeem your own soul. Haven't you already started?" I said to him.

"This is how you understand me?" He put out his cigarette and asked in a hurry. "Yes. No other understanding is possible," I answered in the affirmative. He stood up and walked up and down excitedly.He kept saying: "How much people need others to understand. How much they need others to understand! Just now, I was still guessing at you and guarding against you. I thought you would mock me and scold me. Then drive me away. You have the right You know, I've thought about it a thousand times, and you really knew Sun Yue better than I did at the time. But I don't really know her." Yes, I have thought about it a thousand times.Compared with you, I know Sun Yue better, so I love Sun Yue more.It is precisely because of this that I relentlessly pursue it!But, you came at this time, I don't want to drive you away?want!But, I can't.I can't forget the days of our classmates, and I can't bear to let you down.These, can you guess it?I hope you can!I did my best to stop myself from smoking. "I only love Sun Yue's beauty, intelligence and gentleness. Sun Yue belongs to me, and I feel satisfied and proud. But for the most precious thing in her, the spirit of dedicating herself to a lofty ideal, her passionate pursuit of a bright future I have always disliked her spirit, and I even want to suppress it. However, without this spirit, Sun Yue would not be Sun Yue. I often think that fortunately after we got married, we separated in two places, otherwise Sun Yue would feel pain. I will also regret her choice. Do you think so, Lao He?" Yes, quite possibly.But what about today?He captured Sun Yue's soul and fell in love with this soul.I should be happy.But now the feelings rising in my heart are just the opposite.Because now, Zhao Zhenhuan standing in front of me is a real "rival in love".Should I keep him?Wu Chun is thinking of me.When I kept him, I only regarded him as a classmate who had encountered misfortune, a prodigal son who was willing to turn back.I thought that he would cause some emotional troubles to Sun Yue, but I didn't think that he would pose a real threat to me.I regret.I like Chernyshevsky's novel "What should I do?" ", but I always have reservations about the attitudes of the protagonists towards love.Can love come and go?Is it possible not to be jealous?However, should I really drive him away? "Why did you keep me here?" He stopped walking suddenly and stood in front of me. "I originally wanted you to meet Sun Yue and Regret." I replied. "So? So now?" He looked directly at me, and the muscles at the corners of his mouth twitched rapidly. I am silent.I really want to say to him: "Now, I regret it!" But, I didn't say it, the muscles at the corners of his mouth pulled my heart slightly, I don't know what to do now. "Tell me frankly, what's your relationship with Sun Yue now?" he asked, his hands tightly gripping my shoulders.His expression is very complicated, expecting, worried, earnest... "What does this matter to you? Go find Sun Yue! She must be at home now." I pushed his hands away vigorously and said. "No. I've told you so much, you can't say nothing." He became stubborn and put his hands on my shoulders again. "Don't pester me. You know, I have been wandering outside for more than ten years and learned to fight." I pushed his hands away again. "So you still love her?" He looked at me blankly and asked. I didn't answer, but gave him a hard look. "What about her? Of course I love you too. She was originally attracted to you. You mentioned regret just now. From this point of view, your relationship is already very close. I shouldn't disturb you. You keep me, Just to tell me this? Just like the letter I wrote to you in 1962... Of course you have the right to revenge." My heart was stung.Really, am I taking revenge on him?I never thought of it!I do not advocate revenge, nor will I retaliate!Is he leaving? "Then I'll go! Please tell Sun Yue, I wish you happiness!" Blood rushed to my face, and I felt so hot that I wanted to jump into the icy river immediately.It was as if someone had slapped me in the face!Was it Zhao Zhenhuan?yes!In the past, he had failed Sun Yue, but at this moment, he was thinking of Sun Yue and me.and I?No!It was Sun Yue and Regret who slapped me.God gave me the right to love others, but did not give me the right to deprive others of their love!I know that Regret loves me; I realize that Sun Yue loves me.However, they did not give me the right to decide their own destiny on their behalf. He extended his hand to me: "Shake hands and say goodbye?" I grabbed his hand and touched it tightly with all my strength, until he screamed in pain, and then I let go a little.I dragged him back and read forward again, and let him sit on the bed obediently.He rubbed his hands and looked at me in bewilderment. "You can't just leave like this. You should still go and see Sun Yue. See Regret." I said in a low voice. "Is this appropriate?" he asked.Listening to the voice and looking at the face, they are all sincere. "There is nothing inappropriate. You are both classmates and fellow villagers. Besides, there is no contract between me and Sun Yue. Don't worry about that." "Actually, I just want her to know that I really know her now, and I hope to get her understanding. I know that I have no right to ask her anything. Everything between us is over. Everything is over Yes. If she can combine with you, I really wish you all the blessings from the bottom of my heart. Of course, I feel very sad, very sad..." He choked up, his facial muscles not just twitching but twitching.A man once lost what he loved; now that he has found it, it is impossible for him to belong to him again.How can I understand this feeling!I waved my hand to stop him from talking, lit a cigarette and handed it to him, and said to him gently: "You smoke too much, this is the last one tonight. The rest will be smoked tomorrow." After that, I Put the pack of cigarettes in his pocket.I let him rest first, and I wanted to go out for a walk.But he pulled me back and asked, "Will Sun Yue want to see me?" He said that he was afraid that Sun Yue would not want to see him.Today I got out of the car and went to Sun Yue's house, it was all based on a momentary impulse.Now that I have calmed down, I feel fortunate that I didn't break in, otherwise, I really don't know what will happen! Really, until now, I haven't seriously thought about it, is Sun Yue willing to see him?Ever since I met Sun Yue again, I haven't heard her take the initiative to talk about Zhao Zhenhuan.Of course I don't want to mention the past either.I hope she will completely forget everything about the past!But after talking with Regret that time, I often think of Zhao Zhenhuan.Unfortunately, I don't know anything about my parents' situation. What does this mean?Is it because Sun Yue still has good feelings for Zhao Zhenhuan and hope, so he is unwilling to damage the image of his father in the eyes of the children?If that's the case, I'd die too.And, it’s good to be sorry, too.I wanted to test it out by leaving her in the office after get off work one day. "What happened between you and Zhao Zhenhuan? Isn't your relationship always good?" I asked. "Why are you interested in this? What usually happens: He has another love," she replied, nonchalantly. "Then divorce? Since you are married, you should not divorce easily, especially if you have children." I said. "You have no right to blame me!" she said instantly, vehemently, and burst into tears. "I'm not blaming you." I quickly explained, "I'm here for pity. Pity! Why did you name your child like this? Do you have to make the child a burden?" Unexpectedly, this irritated her even more, and she said bitterly to me: "What do you know? You don't know anything. You don't know anything. So, you feel that you should blame everything. When you become a family, you have I have a child, and I have suffered like this..." She stopped talking, probably realizing that the last sentence contained a curse meaning! Since then, I know that this is a string that cannot be played.But why exactly, I still don't understand, and have no way of understanding.I don't want to know her situation from a third party.What kind of impression did the life with Zhao Zhenhuan leave in her heart?Does she miss or hate Zhao Zhenhuan now?How much I need to know all this!I feel that the reason why there is still a distance between me and her may be here. But now, will this distance be lengthened or shortened?After she met Zhao Zhenhuan, how would her relationship change?What choice will she make?It's all unpredictable! However, I must help Zhao Zhenhuan meet Sun Yue.For Zhao Zhenhuan, for Sun Yue and Regret, and for myself.Everything can only be decided by Sun Yue. "I'll notify Sun Yue for you." I said decisively. "You?" He was a little puzzled. "Me! It can only be me. Whether you trust me or not, I will go to her and tell her that you are here and live with me. I hope she will come to see you." "Okay!" He stopped arguing with me.How did he understand my decision?He thinks I will go to Sun Yue and speak ill of him?Why is he looking so depressed?Let him go!Let him go!I've had enough of it in my mind.I can't control this much anymore.I said to him: "You rest first, I will go now, and come as soon as I go." It's already nine o'clock in the evening, Sun Yue has been tired for most of the day today, has he fallen asleep yet?But I still want to go.Stay late, sleep and sleep!I don't come to her very often.Who knows if you will come again after today? From far away, I looked for the window of Sun Yue's house to see if there was a light.But I came so infrequently that I couldn't even recognize her window.I still had to go to the door of Room 201, Building 3, and knock on the door before I could find out if she was asleep. I just knocked once and the door opened.She didn't sleep!When she saw it was me, she was not surprised at all, handed over a small bench, and said, "Here, let's sit in the yard, but I'm already asleep." I took the stool and followed her to sit under the wall of the yard. down.She waited for me to speak. "You should be exhausted today. Haven't you rested yet?" I wanted to calm my mind a little. "I'm tired. If I hadn't waited for you to come, I would have fallen asleep a long time ago." She replied. "You know I'm coming?" I was surprised. "Didn't Zhao Zhenhuan live with you? I saw everything. Xu Hengzhong sent me a letter again, saying that you had kept him. In fact, I can guess that he didn't send the letter. You will definitely keep him. Yes, and will definitely come to persuade me to see him," she said, her tone very calm. "Why do I have to persuade you to see him?" My heart was beating rapidly, and my voice changed, low and hoarse.She knows me, she knows me perfectly!How I longed to tell her everything I thought! "Humanitarian standpoint!" Her voice was also very low, she glanced at me, and immediately lowered her head. "Is it just a humanitarian standpoint?" I couldn't help asking, my voice trembling. "What else is there to stand for?" Her voice was even lower. what!How much I want to tell her that there is still a lover's position.spouse!Don't you admit it?For more than twenty years, I have never loved a second person, am I not qualified to be your lover?But, I can't say that, I can't say that!Today, I have to take on obligations that I am unwilling to take on, and play the role of intercession for a rival.I didn't answer her question, stopped looking at her, and looked up at the sky.There are moons and stars in the sky.But tall buildings and walls block the view, they look so crowded, as if they were taken down and placed in a high-hanging frame, making people feel cramped and stuffy. "Jing Fu!" A pair of hot hands pressed down on my knees, I grabbed these hands lightly, then held them tightly, sticking them to my chest. "I have been in love for more than twenty years, but love is still a blank sheet of paper to me, Sun Yue! Today, you just painted the first color on this blank sheet of paper!" Her body trembled, and she withdrew her hand from mine.How cold her hands became all at once! "Jingfu, I don't want to live with you just because you are a piece of white paper!" Her hand slid gently on my chest, pinching the third button on my clothes.The button had fallen off, but she reminded me of it when she was doing needlework for another comrade, so I put it on.She seems to remember too. "What?" I didn't understand what she said just now, I really didn't understand. "I don't want to live with you because you are a blank sheet of paper. I have no blank sheet of paper for you to paint on. I was a blank sheet of paper, but life has smeared on my blank sheet of paper. Thick and dark undertone. This undertone can never be washed away. Zhao Zhenhuan's arrival is to make this undertone appear clearer. How I hate it!" I shivered.Life had hurt her so badly!I comforted her: "Sun Yue, life is a whole, and love is only a part. As far as the whole life is concerned, none of us is a blank slate. My background is stronger than yours." "No. Although your background color is thick, it is not gray and will not make you feel humiliated. I am different. Let's talk about the history between us! Whenever I think of this history, I feel I owe you a debt. It is impossible for a creditor and a debtor to love each other equally." I was completely stunned.I didn't expect her to see our relationship like this.Am I going to be a debt collector?No, Sun Yue, that's not the case at all!It is love that I seek of you, love! "How many times have I thought about it, and the conclusion is that I can't combine with you. My self-esteem does not allow it. I don't want to deceive myself, I love you, love you very much. How many times, I call you in my dreams; how many times, I am The picture of living with you is depicted in my imagination. However, at such a time, another picture will appear: I am accepting the liquidation of history, people's misunderstanding and ridicule..." "Now, there is only one way in front of me: celibacy. Li Yining advised me to separate my spirit from my life. Now I plan to do so. But I only take my spirit. Forget about me, Jingfu! I am a fragile and As a person with strong self-esteem, I can't overcome the contradictions I face. If there is an afterlife..." She lowered her head suddenly and covered her face in her hands.Ah, Sun Yue!How I want to hold your face gently in my hands and look at you carefully.You have kissed me, I have not kissed you.Now, we are so close.There is no one else here except the moon and stars already framed... Her shoulders were shaking and I heard her sobbing.My heart is broken.I can no longer control myself.I hugged her shoulders and said warmly to her: "No, Sun Yue, I will never forget you, and I will never forget you!" "I've made up my mind!" She struggled out of my arms and said to me in a calm but firm tone. will i crycan i callHow I want to cry and scream!Why should I hurry here tonight to hear this final sentence?Is it true that the so-called God of Destiny is manipulating and fooling us in the dark?What a strange coincidence, a strange combination of circumstances! I finally didn't cry or cry.I stood up abruptly, kicked away the small bench, and beat the trunk of a tree in front of me with my hands.She called softly: "Jing Fu!" I turned to face her, and held out my hand to her: "Let me smoke a bag of cigarettes!" smoked.I didn't ask her: why?Where did you prepare the tobacco leaves?Just pack a bag and suck it up. "I beg your pardon," she said, not daring to look at me. "There is no question of whether to forgive or not. I respect your decision. In fact, I don't have to get married. I'm used to living alone." I replied, not daring to look at her. "You should start a family. There are many better lesbians than me..." "Okay, I'll look for it later... let's not talk about this! Zhao Zhenhuan is really repentant. You should still see him." "Should it be?" she asked, with what seemed to be a cold, bitter smile.I didn't see it, but felt it. "Should. No matter how you say it, he is our old classmate and regretful father. Now that he has repented, we all have the responsibility to help him. His hair is all white, like an old man..." "Okay. Tell Zhao Zhenhuan that I will wait for him at home tomorrow morning." I heard her say. I held out my hand to her: "Goodbye! I hope you take care." She held my hand tightly and said "thank you" three times in a row, one lower than the other. I'm leaving.She stood and waved to me as if to say goodbye. I took a few steps and looked back, she was still standing.I walk faster.But she was still standing there.I saw her vague figure. I walked to a tree, stood down, and looked towards her residence.It was already impossible to see if she was still there.However, I saw the light in her window, and this time I remembered it clearly, and I will never miss her window again. I don't want to go back to the dormitory right away.I went from this road to that road.People are asleep.The sparse street lamps on the campus gave off a dim light.But, even without a little light, I can go into the bushes. "How many times have I called you in my dreams; how many times have I pictured a picture of living with you in my imagination." Sun Yue, did you say these words, or did I say them? "Now, there is only one path before me: celibacy." Yes, celibacy.When I was a vagabond, when I was deprived of political rights, I never thought that I would be a bachelor for the rest of my life.Today, it seems that I can only have this fate: celibacy! Zhao Zhenhuan hadn't slept yet. Seeing me coming in with a dry pipe in his mouth, he asked anxiously, "You came back so late! How did you talk?" I didn't want to answer, so I sat on my bed. "Did you bring back the pipe?" he asked again. "You ask too many questions!" I yelled and lay down. I heard him slapping the bed board hard and sighing. "Tomorrow morning, Sun Yue will be waiting for you at home." I asked him sullenly. "Did she want to, or did you convince her?" "If you continue to be so wordy, I'll throw you out!" I turned off the light with a snap and ignored him again. That night, neither of us fell asleep, nor did we say a word.