Chapter 17 sixteen

I didn't expect to meet so many old classmates at once, and I was stunned for a while.I miss you often!Whenever I think of Sun Yue, I think of you.Especially you, He Jingfu!In 1962, I wrote a letter to you on behalf of myself and Sun Yue: "We are married and live happily. We hope that you will complete the transformation task as soon as possible. I also wish you happiness." It was written like this.How many times have I thought about it these days.It's grim.O haughty, hateful letter!At that time, you were both my "love rival" and my "class enemy".However, I prefer the former.I'm always both happy and worried about my victories.Because I know in my heart that you are stronger than me.Sun Yue was still a young girl at that time, she could only be attracted by you, but not match you.But if I continue to develop, I will have no confidence.Therefore, I tried my best to draw Sun Yue with my emotions and break the connection between you and Sun Yue.You can't think of it, but later I tore off the red thread that tied me up, and fell into deep mud... And now, have you combined with Sun Yue?

I looked at them one by one, and they looked at me.How I want to reach out my arms and hug each of you tightly, but your eyes stop me.Is it my sudden arrival that surprises you, is it my gray hair that makes you feel strange, or do you despise me?Why are your eyes full of indifference, doubt, hostility, but no enthusiasm? He Jingfu didn't let me in, isn't he the owner of this place?No one would let me into the house, but they hugged me and left the house further away.I followed them involuntarily, and mumbled: "I have no other intentions, just to see Sun Yue and the child..." No one paid attention to me.

They finally stood still.Sun Yue's residence is no longer visible here.He Jingfu first extended his hand to me: "Do you still know me?" I shook his hand hesitantly and said, "I don't know you have returned to school. You..." I also wanted to ask him if he had a family. But I dare not say it, for fear of hearing any answer.Xu Hengzhong also extended his hand to me. He is thinner than before, but he still has the air of a young man.The other students also extended their hands to me.But Wu Chun kept looking at me with arms folded and full of hostility. I stretched out my hand to him and called out, "Wu Chun!" He still folded his arms and said coldly, "I won't shake hands with you. I have something to say to you. I advise you not to disturb Sun Yue." Come on, haven't you hurt her enough? Old He, I'll go say hello to Sun Yue, and say we're leaving first. You take this kid to you. "

He Jingfu doesn't live here, does he have another family? Wu Chun went, He Jingfu took my arm and said gently: "Let's go, we won't eat you!" I go with them.There are various feelings in my heart.We have walked arm in arm on campus countless times, and we never imagined that we would have such a meeting in a few years.Ever since I left Sun Yue, I have imagined how my old classmates would treat me when they met.I dread this day and look forward to it.I tried my best to find out their news, and carefully avoided meeting them.I ran into it today, and it was delivered to my door by myself.I feel bitter: the scenery remains the same, but the personnel and affairs are completely different.I feel sweet too: I see in their blame that the walls between me and my friends are beginning to crumble...

"Did you just arrive?" As soon as we met, Xu Hengzhong asked me kindly. I nod.I came here as soon as I got off the train.I don't think Sun Yue will move, but she still lives here.This cozy hut was originally my home, where our family of three lived. "Are you here on a business trip, or on purpose?" He Jingfu asked me, staring at me. I nodded and shook my head, unable to answer anything.I can't tell right away!I'm here on a business trip.I came here on purpose again.It can also be said to be stolen. More than a month ago, Lan Xiang and I separated.I first broke the three chapters of our covenant, and I really couldn't bear it any longer.

The matter is still related to Fatty Wang.The editor-in-chief asked me to write an article to criticize a play.I thought it was a good play and refused to write it.The editor-in-chief was angry.He said to me: "Okay, I'll find someone else to write it. But Lao Zhao, I think you should strengthen your organizational concept. If you work here with us, can't we ask you to do something?" What is this?Why haven't I done what I should do?Does working in the newspaper office he leads must give him all the freedom like the slaves back then?But he called his desire to control others "organizational concept"!I bumped him: "This is not my job. I'm a reporter." He sneered and said, "You've been very serious about distinguishing between inside and outside. Aren't you very easy-going a few years ago?" Want to go political deducted!I don't care.I said, "In a world where the devil is in power, I can't ask for the conditions of being a human being. In the human world, of course I want to be a human being." I saved a little face for him, and didn't say: A few years ago, you were also very "easy-going"?You wrote several letters of criticism to Jiang Qing, but Jiang Qing ignored you!The soul was meant to be sold, but it was not sold.That being the case, it is time to cleanse the dust that fell on the soul, why did it boast instead?

The editor-in-chief did not force me, but gave me a fashionable label: "democratic individualist".I looked it up and couldn't figure out why I should be wearing the hat.Feel free to say what my doctrine is, anyway, I will no longer write articles against my will.I am enough. How many times?I slapped myself.Write an article today to criticize yesterday's article, and tomorrow you will criticize today.People who know me always ask me: "How many voices do you have? The tone changes so quickly!" I laughed and said: "There is only one voice, but the range is wide, and I have learned a variety of vocal methods, so anyone Even the tune can't break my voice." But what is it like in my heart!Whenever at this time, I think of the scene in the movie where the old man Gao ordered his unworthy son to slap himself: "Slap! Slap yourself!" The audience laughed, this buffoon!I'm also playing Harlequin.And the day of reckoning!Explain the subjective motivation, check the objective effect, dig out the root of the thought, and formulate corrective measures... This is the same in every movement.Every time I know that I can't change it, and I can never change it.Sure enough, the ink on the inspection was not dry, and I "re-offended" again.In this way, I gradually lost my sense of responsibility and honor as a people's reporter, and lost my self-esteem and self-confidence. I became a soulless tool and completely lost myself.

Is this lesson not enough?I will never write articles against my will, I just won’t write them.A hat is always heavier than a conscience, right? Three days later, an article was published in the newspaper criticizing the play.Signed Xiaowang, is Fatty Wang.He told me two days ago that if this kind of errand was put on his head, he would refuse it!This shameless Fatty Wang!How I would hate to look him in the eye! A lot of fun.On the third day after Fatty Wang’s article appeared in the newspaper, the editor-in-chief announced: “XX Wang has performed very well and corrected his mistakes with practical actions. According to the party’s consistent policy, let him return to work in the interview department and resume his original position——interview department Director." Fatty Wang is my immediate boss again.That's okay, even though my surname is Zhao, I don't consider myself an "Old Master Zhao", thinking that I have some kind of official star on my head.Sun Yue's grandfather once said that I was a "Wenquxing", and it seems to have come true.Not a literati?And the pen has its own twists and turns.This old man!He and my father are two well-known antiques in our town.The literary and official circles are also not at peace.I would stay as far away from these two things as possible.But Feng Lanxiang—that's all I can call her!She kept muttering to me all day long: "The good job I got is taken away by others. Can't you learn from Fatty Wang?" I get more money than ordinary reporters. I don’t think money is hot!” If you mutter, go on muttering, and I will throw you two ears, one pipe in and one pipe out.But you shouldn't, you shouldn't, you are buying wine and grocery shopping, you invited Fatty Wang to your home, and asked him to recommend me to the editor-in-chief as the deputy director of the interview department!

On that day, I had a public quarrel with Feng Lanxiang in front of Fatty Wang, and I also spoke very rudely to Fatty Wang.I moved to the newspaper office. Immediately there were various public opinions about me in the newspaper office: cocky tail.individualism.Jealous of Fatty Wang.To get rid of the worker's wife.I don't care about these things, I just concentrate on working, and do some academic research when I have free time. Maybe, I will leave the newspaper after all and go to teach in a university.I can teach journalism. Fatty Wang is really thick-skinned.He was like a leader, and he patted me on the shoulder as soon as we met: "Old Zhao, don't listen to the opinions of the masses! The masses! I never care about personal grievances. I like your stubborn temper. Intellectuals, yes You should have some personality. Being a cadre like me is not so free!" I wanted to spit on him!But there is a sign like this in the newspaper office: "Do not spit everywhere".

Yesterday, Fatty Wang found me in the newspaper dormitory, and said with a smile: "I have a good job for you. I will go to D for an interview. A place with beautiful mountains and rivers, you can relax. And D is very close to C city , if you are happy, you can go to City C to see your alma mater. I will reimburse you for the travel expenses!" American errand?I know in my heart that the editor-in-chief sent me shoes.The texture is high and the size is slightly small.This kind of leadership, I know all too well.He is more or less an expert in business, so he attaches great importance to "talent".On the one hand, he regards himself as a Maxima, and on the other hand, he regards himself as Bole.But it won't take long before you discover that when a "talent" obeys his command, he "loves talent".Because these "talents" can be used as his capital to increase his worth.But what if "talent" wasn't so tame?He can be "avoid talent".Because, at this time, these "talents" will cover up his brilliance.However, it is true that you can go to City C by the way, which makes me tempted.I said to Fatty Wang, "It can be considered."

"What are you thinking about! Lao Zhao, Lao Zhao, you are a great horse in our newspaper office! You must go on this trip!" what errand?Definitely an interview that will not lead to anything.I'm an old reporter, don't you understand?I waved the hand that Fatty Wang was about to pat on my shoulder, and said to him, "A thousand-mile horse, a ten-thousand-mile horse, it's a horse after all. Horses are for people to ride." "Hahaha! Incisive! Unique! It can be said to be a new interpretation of the relationship between Bole and the Chollima. Bole knows horses, raises horses, and loves horses. In the final analysis, Bole is to control horses. Horses that cannot be controlled by others will travel thousands of miles every day. Love it! What an essay topic! You write it, and I’ll send it to the editor-in-chief for you!” His saliva sprang up. I wanted to "spit" again, but I held back.I said to him coldly: "Director Wang, you have completely misheard me. I would rather be a lame man with a heart than a horse that only knows how to run but has no brains." He froze for a moment, then laughed and slapped me again: "Okay, okay! Have personality! I like people with personality. Are you going to D or not?" "Go!" I agreed, and set off that very night.I didn't go directly to D, but got off at C city first.Do this, and I won't tell anyone.He will not ask Fatty Wang to reimburse the fare. Seeing that I didn't answer his question directly, He Jingfu didn't ask me any more. We came to the staff dormitory.He Jingfu is still a bachelor, don't ask, just look at the room.My heart suddenly became tense, and I couldn't tell whether it was fear or shame. "Sit!" He Jingfu moved a stool for me politely.I just sat down when Wu Chun came back.As soon as he came back, the air in the room suddenly became tense, because the way he stared at me with big eyes was a little scary.His eyes are often the object of teasing by his classmates, they are too female.Juicy, gentle, and a little confused.But now, these eyes are so sharp and so rough.My heart shrank into a small ball.What is he after?He Jingfu gave him a hand: "Big girl, sit down and talk if you have something to say, what are you doing so viciously?" I heard the word "big girl", my nervousness immediately relaxed, and I smiled slightly.I remembered Wu Chun in the past, we were at the same table, we were friends, and we often talked together. "Do you still have the face to smile? How did all this happen? Was your vow of eternal love back then considered farting? In front of these old classmates, just talk about it!" I was taken aback by Wu Chun's roar.He stared at him with his mouth wide open, unable to speak a word.I didn't expect that he would ask me such a question as soon as he came up.Xu Hengzhong moved a chair to Wu Chun, forced him to sit down, and persuaded him: "It's been a long time, why mention it? Let's talk about something else!" Other students also expressed their approval. "It's been a long time," yes, a long time ago. "Why mention it?" No, I just wanted to "mention it".I'm here just to "mention it". "Others" I can't think of, can't talk about.I said to Wu Chun: "Wu Chun, scold you! I have nothing to say. It is because I haven't heard such scolding for many years that I became what I am today. I feel that I have lost myself. In order to find myself, I am willing Accept your trial without hesitation. Scold me, Wu Chun! Even if you hit me, I won’t fight back.” Wu Chun clapped his hands on his knees, let out a heavy breath, and stopped talking. But I want to talk, I have a stomach full of words.I pulled the stool closer to Wu Chun and said to him: "Remember, Wu Chun! During the graduation assignment, a few classmates and I pulled you, and you pulled my ears and said: If you forget to send me the wedding candy in the future, I will beat you hard!" Wu Chun snorted, and I said again: "You said more than once that you envied me for having such a beautiful love. You said, 'When will the star of love shine on my head? Maybe, I will find my love under the Himalayas?' Love, this Isn't it a topic we often talk about? You talk about your yearning, and I talk about my intoxication." Wu Chun glanced at me, said "um", and let out a heavy breath.I asked, "I sent you candy, did you receive it?" "Received!" Wu Chun roared again, but immediately his voice dropped. "I received your wedding candy on the border, and I feel as sweet and happy as I am married. Do you know that I find the meaning of my life and work from the happiness of you and thousands of people Yes. I often think that although I gave up my literature major and stayed away from my hometown, I am defending my motherland, my friends, and my relatives. I don’t want to see the flames of war on my land again , I don't want to add orphans and widows to my compatriots. I am the only child of a widow, and how hard it was for my mother to bring me up! But I later learned that there are many other ways to make people besides war and disease. Orphans and widows. One of the ways is despicable abandonment!" "Sun Yue could have chosen someone better than you. But you abandoned her! You bastard! You bastard! When I see Sun Yue, I think of my mother. When I see regret, I think of my childhood. Myself. I want to cry, me!" Wu Chun cried!Cry loudly!He Jingfu stood up abruptly, pulled a towel and walked out.He went to wash his face, and when he came back, he handed the towel to Wu Chun.How much I want to hug and cry with Wu Chun, just like we hugged and laughed together back then.But I can't shed tears.I just feel heartache.Wu Chun's words were like a sledgehammer knocking open the ice river in my heart, the ice cubes flowed sideways, and the edges and corners pierced my heart achingly!But there is a hint of moist sweetness.What flows down from the ice cubes is clear running water. Wu Chun broke the hearts of the students by crying.For a while, no one spoke.Several classmates bid farewell sadly, and there were only four of us left: He Jingfu, Wu Chun, Xu Hengzhong and me. Xu Hengzhong asked me: "How is life now?" I simply replied: "I have received what I deserve." The three of them said "ah" together, the meaning was very complicated, and I couldn't distinguish what they meant for a while. "If you are living happily now, you probably won't think about Sun Yue and the child anymore, right?" Wu Chun stared at me again and asked. This is very possible.But the problem is that since you have embarked on this path, it is impossible to live happily.I can't remember a time when I completely forgot Sun Yue and her mother.That's why I'm unhappy!If he is happy with the life in front of him, it means that the original Zhao Zhenhuan is completely dead, and of course there is no question of whether he will think of Sun Yue's mother and daughter.How can I explain this extremely complicated causal relationship?I can only be silent.It can also be understood as the default. "What are you going to do? Are you divorced again? Or have other mutations occurred?" Xu Hengzhong asked me, looking nervous. "I have no plans. We've separated," I replied. I did consider the possibility of divorce.With Feng Lanxiang, I can't live a day.Although I don't hate her.However, I can't make up my mind, I still have a small ring.For a month, every Saturday, I went to the kindergarten to pick up Huanhuan from the newspaper office, and sent her back to the kindergarten on Monday morning.I tested her more than once: "Huanhuan, do you like your father or your mother?" Huanhuan's answer is always: "I like my father, and I also like my mother." This is understandable.Feng Lanxiang is not my good wife, but Huanhuan's good mother.Like all mothers, Feng Lanxiang focuses almost all her thoughts on her daughter.What to eat is nutritious, what to wear to look good, where to ask a teacher to teach children to dance, etc., she is more thoughtful than me.Huanhuan is the only link between me and her. Before leaving yesterday, I specially took Huanhuan out of the kindergarten and went to a restaurant in Tianjin to have a meal of boiled dumplings.Huanhuan loves dumplings.But yesterday, Huanhuan seemed sullen and didn't speak much.I asked: "Why are you unhappy?" She replied: "When will Dad come home? Huanhuan wants Dad to go home." I said: "Dad is busy at the newspaper office!" She said: "Mom told me , you lie. You don't want your mother anymore, do you?" How heavy my heart is!I seem to have seen another ring.Now, this ring is called regret.Do I have to create a regret?But how could such a life end?Huanhuan pestered me pitifully: "Dad, don't be separated from Mom. I want Dad and Mom." I agreed.Huanhuan happily kissed me on the cheek again and again.Now, I feel that kiss again. "However, she and I already have another girl. I love this child very much." I finally made this addition. "Then why are you looking for Sun Yue?" Wu Chun asked forcefully, "I beg her for forgiveness? Do you want to reunite with her?" "Reunion after a broken mirror? No. I just want her to understand my current situation and beg her to let me see the child." I thought for a while and replied.In fact, of course it's not that simple.I want to get back to myself.I think it's only in Sun Yue that I can see my past self.How much I would cherish this mirror if it could be broken and reunited!Unfortunately, this is not possible.is it possible? "Sun Yue is still alone?" I asked timidly, looking at He Jingfu. He Jingfu raised his eyebrows, but before he could speak, Wu Chun took the conversation away: "There is still one person now, and soon there will be two people." "Oh? Who is the new partner?" I asked, not knowing what it was like. "You don't need to ask this! Anyway, this person is better than you. So, do you think you still need to disturb Sun Yue?" Wu Chun rushed to say again. I am silent.necessary?What is necessary?Maybe it's unnecessary for me to come here and think about coming here.Anyway, I am a family man now, I have no right and no need to let Sun Yue know my feelings for her now.However, I had a strong desire to see her, to confide in her.Knowing that she was about to marry, my hope was all the stronger.I'm going to lose her forever, forever.forever and ever…… Wu Chun stood up, walked to my side, and put his arm around my neck: "Old Zhao, I can fully understand your current mood. However, we should all think about others. I invite you to go to our countryside for a few days. There are mountains and waters, fish and shrimps. And my old man The friendship of classmates. Just follow me tonight, huh?" Xu Hengzhong also said: "This is a very good suggestion, Lao Zhao, go and have fun! Let the past be the past!" I nodded with difficulty: "I'll go!" But I didn't want to go to Wu Chun, I went to D.Let everything in the past be buried in the soil!From now on, I will not see any of my old classmates, nor will I want to. "No!" He Jingfu, who had been silent all this time, spoke suddenly.He stood up and said to Wu Chun: "Your ticket has already been bought, so don't delay. Lao Zhao, I'll keep him!" He turned his face to me again: "We should have a good talk! We haven't seen each other for so many years. See you again at this moment!" Both Wu Chun and Xu Hengzhong stopped talking.I stayed.I don't know why He Jingfu wants to keep me, but I still want to stay.