Chapter 14 Thirteen

I didn't expect Sun Yue to visit me in the hospital.I think this is caused by Xi Wang and regret. Yesterday, Xi Wang said to me: "I'll talk to Teacher Sun Yue and ask her what she means, why didn't she come to see you in the hospital?" I refused to let him go.He went anyway.Otherwise, why would Sun Yue come today?And they came with Xi Wang. Regret and Xi Wang left with a smile, and Sun Yue sat by my bed.Fortunately, I was not sitting on the hospital bed wearing a hospital gown at this time, otherwise I would be so embarrassing!I don't want her to see me lying on the hospital bed like a sick person.In front of her, I don't want to show the slightest pitiful appearance.From her, I would only accept love, not pity.

But I feel that I may well be a wretch for mercy.Regret told me that Xu Hengzhong often went to their home and was very close to Sun Yue.She asked me anxiously more than once: "Will my mother marry Xu Hengzhong? Do you agree to their marriage?" I warned Xi Wang many times: "Stop telling regrets about adults, what is in her mind is already There are enough!" Xi Wang answered very simply: "Governing the country should not adopt policies that fool the people, and educating children should not adopt policies that fool children. People of your generation have been as clean as a piece of white paper since childhood. What happened? All colors are infected. One by one, some are stunned, some are dumb, and some are dead. What is the difference between a blank paper and an idiot? People like Teacher Sun Yue are still hesitating Lie! The wavering between you and Xu Hengzhong, what does this mean? Have you thought about it?"

I have nothing to say, maybe, there should be a different kind of education for children? Sun Yue wavering between me and Xu Hengzhong?is this real?I find it both possible and incredible.How could she like Xu Hengzhong?Regret to see them close, however.And that day at Xu Hengzhong's house, didn't Xu Hengzhong also hint to me: "Look, these are the shoes she made for Xiao Kun!" The small cabinet in front of my hospital bed is also full of things from Sun Yue: canned food and fruits.Biscuits, milk... I used to accept these gifts with great joy, but later, I was afraid of these gifts.I said to Regret: "Don't bring it any more! If you send it again, I will settle accounts with your mother and pay you for the food!" But Regret didn't listen, and she said, "Even if I give you food, no Is it?" Sometimes, she was so anxious that she shed tears.How unsettling is this gift of unknown significance!

Sun Yue, you are laying two tracks at the same time, which one leads to love? She's been sitting by my bed for five minutes now and hasn't said anything other than "How are you doing?" when she first came in.How I should like to ask her!But what to ask?How? "If I were you, I would ask her: 'Do you love me?' I would also tell her: 'Only I can give you happiness, and only you can give me happiness'." Xi Wang once "taught "Me, he doesn't think I'm going to be in a relationship.I just smiled at his "enlightenment".He doesn't understand that people of our age and experience are not interested in questions like "Do you love me?"We don't need and don't believe in verbal confessions and oaths, we only believe in our own eyes and hearts.Love is felt, not "talked about".I feel that there is a distance between me and her, which is caused by our experiences and personalities.I have been trying to shorten this distance, what about her?What happened to her and Xu Hengzhong?

She still didn't speak or look at me, but she kept looking at the other patients and seemed embarrassed.Are you going to say something to me, afraid that others will hear it?There are eight people in the same ward, all present.I saw them making faces at each other, they must have regarded Sun Yue as my lover.I told them that I'm not married yet, and I don't have a partner.They didn't believe it, and kept asking Regret whose child it was.I told them they were friends' kids.They then asked if the friend was a man or a woman.To save trouble, I said it was a man.When Sun Yue came today, everything became clear. From her appearance alone, she could tell that she was a regretful mother.In order to prevent them from saying anything inappropriate, I simply introduced Sun Yue to them: "This is Comrade Sun Yue, secretary of the Party branch of our Chinese Department." Sun Yue blushed.

"I should have come to see you a long time ago. The other members of the general branch have come, but I didn't come... I'm very busy." As she spoke, she looked around at the other patients, as if she wanted to remind them to pay attention again , don't misunderstand her identity. Feeling uneasy in vain, I answered her: "Thank you very much for the concern of the general branch. I'm going to be discharged from the hospital. Why did you come?" I was thinking about the natural and candid Sun Yue from before.I don't like the affectation of Sun Yue in front of me.Although, I know that there are various reasons for people to artificially deliberately: to please, for vanity, to cover up the truth... But I don't like all kinds of artificiality, because it is a kind of pathology.

"Are you here on behalf of the Party branch?" I couldn't help asking her again, with a very cold attitude. Her face flushed like a child who had been exposed to a lie.This is still like the old Sun Yue.But she stopped talking.I feel awkward.I really want to persuade her to go back as soon as possible.But when her eyes looked at me, there was tenderness.She checked the medicines next to my bed one by one, more carefully than the nurses, as if she knew what medicine could cure what disease. "I don't take the anti-fever medicine. Is the fever gone? Is it almost all gone?" she asked with joy on her face.She went to study pharmacology because of my illness, right?I opened the bedside table, took out the apples she bought, peeled one and handed it to her.She took it, cut it in half with a knife, and handed one half to me. "

A warm current drove away my unhappiness, and I hurriedly stood up and said to her: "Let's go for a walk." She stood up happily. The environment in the hospital is very quiet.There was also a bush there. I took Sun Yue over there and sat down on a wooden bench.After knowing her for so many years, it was the first time I sat on the same stool with her, so close and facing the bushes. "There are shrubs like this here too." She stroked the leaves of the young tree with her hand and said in a low voice. My heart was pounding.I said to her, "I like this kind of shrub best."

Her eyes flicked to me questioningly, and then she turned her face away again.When she turned to look at me again, she was serious again. She asked me about the course of my illness and my treatment, and I briefly described it to her.I say the same to others. "Is it a lot of inconvenience to live alone? No one knows what happened. It's also because we don't care enough for you." This official accent! "We" "We"!This is the benefit of Chinese!A simple plural noun can express many different meanings.It can express that you have a large number of people, and you can also express that you are humble and prudent.It can represent the organization and the masses, and it can hide itself.

"No. I'm completely used to living alone, and I don't want to change the status quo. You don't have to worry too much." I said angrily. The word "you" is very important. She was silent for a long time.Probably looking for something to say, she asked if anyone had visited me.I told her one by one, like reporting to a superior. "The ones that come the most often are Xi Wang and Regret." Finally, I said. "Unfortunately, is the child okay?" she asked. "This child is cuter than you." I replied. Seeing her face flushed to the neck, I realized what I just said.I'm sorry, I want to explain.But how to explain?Does it mean that she is not cute, or that she is also cute, but not as cute as regrettable?No explanation is good.Forget it, it’s better not to explain.Let her understand it.

"I should go back!" she said. "Okay!" I replied, standing up immediately.The purpose of her visit was clear: to show concern for me on behalf of the organization.Occasionally showing a little spark of emotion, this is just a relic of history!I want her to go.She can treat me calmly, and I can treat her calmly. But she didn't leave again, and took out a letter from her pocket and handed it to me: "I almost forgot, Wu Chun sent us a letter. Do you remember him? He was assigned to Tibet after graduation." , nicknamed 'Big Girl'." I took the letter, and a fair, shy face that often spoke with a pair of big eyes immediately appeared in my mind. "You sour talents! Forgot about the restaurant? I miss you all the time. Prepare more wine and meat. The Sa family loves wine, but meat. Haha!" "Haha!" I seemed to see that fair and shy face changed into the face of a rough man, and that pair of dreamy eyes that could talk turned into a wide mouth that gnawed and gnawed.I couldn't help laughing.Sun Yue also laughed. "This Wu Chun has changed a lot!" she said. "We are all changing, and it is impossible to stay the same. From the embryos of individual 'people' to real people. Different life paths create different people. Different people walk out different paths. Every There are people on the road, and there is a road behind everyone. The road has twists and turns, and people have ups and downs. Roads will intersect, and people will collide. This is life." My words made Sun Yue amused.She giggled and said, "You look like a metaphysician!" I also smiled and said: "Xuan? I think it's very real. How about I explain it to you sentence by sentence?" She immediately shook her head and said, "I can understand." I didn't explain and tried to find a new one. topic.She got ahead. "Old He, I've always wanted to talk to you, to have a good talk. But I lack enough courage. I don't even know how to talk about my thoughts." I tense up.Is she here today just to talk things through with me?What is the clear method?I'm waiting. "My mind has never been so chaotic as it is now. Many things that I didn't dare to think about or would not think about in the past are now circling in my mind all day long, and I can't get rid of them. I feel very uneasy." Oh, talk about this.I was disappointed and relieved.Her mind was confused, I could see it.What's so disturbing?Confused thoughts are not all bad.Human thinking is like society, chaos and chaos, chaos and chaos.After social turmoil, people's thoughts will also be in turmoil and confusion for a while.It's natural.On the one hand, social unrest provides rich perceptual knowledge for people's thinking.On the other hand, it is only after people have calmed down that it is possible to think about the road they have traveled in the past.Is it the same for Sun Yue? "Sun Yue, if a person's mind has never been confused in his life, it can only mean that he has never lived and thought seriously. Or he is an idiot." "That being said, my mind is terribly confused." "What kind of terrible method? I'd like to hear about it." "I can't tell, old He! When the 'Gang of Four' was on stage, I felt pain. Anxious, hoped for their downfall every day. They finally fell. I poured into the street with thousands of people, cheering , singing. Watching the workers raise the huge drumsticks, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing out, I felt that the drumsticks were beating on my heart. The severe winter passed. Spring came. I was immersed in the warm atmosphere , without thinking about anything.” "But the excitement soon passed. I began to think about everything I had experienced, and I felt pain like never before. It was not only the result of ten years of turmoil that caused me pain, but also its cause. Moreover, the effect and the cause were in the It still exists in today's reality! I cry secretly by myself. It seems that I have been hurt and cheated. Every day, in the dead of night, when I regret to fall asleep, I have to ask myself : What did you see? What did you think? Has your belief been shaken? Has your pursuit been disillusioned? Ah, it’s terrible, old He!” She cried again.Let her cry, let her cry!If she hadn't believed in piously, if she hadn't pursued passionately, if she hadn't thought about it seriously, she wouldn't cry!Only shallow people think that victory brings only joy.No!Victory often brings pain, too.I have also experienced this feeling, that is when I realized that I have been wronged... I am comforted by Sun Yue's pain. "In short, I feel that a hand has suddenly taken away one of my spiritual pillars, the main pillar! I am like Jia Baoyu who has lost the psychic gem. I have no master in my heart..." She wiped her tears, and said to her again. I said these two sentences. "You're restless, you're restless, you're looking everywhere. But either you can't find anything, or you suspect what you've found is just an ordinary stone with no spirituality. Isn't that right?" I asked. She looked at me a little surprised, then nodded. "It's normal, Sun Yue!" I said.I wanted to hold her hand tightly.But finally did not hold.I put my hand into my pocket, trying to get out the dry pipe.No.I remembered, regretfully said to me: "The cigarette bag was seized by my mother!" Forget it, I clasped my hands tightly and put them on my chest.He kept his eyes on the ground and did not look at her.Why did she "detain" my dry pipe? "Here you are!" She handed over the cigarette bag and said softly, "It's better not to smoke!" Dry pipe!My dry pipe!How did she know that I wanted to smoke?I took it and watched it carefully.The jade mouth of the pipe stem is washed clean.The cigarette purse was replaced by another one, which was also sewn with earth blue cloth from the countryside.I understand why she "detained" my pipe!She won't love Xu Hengzhong!The track leading to love was paved in front of me immediately, but I was still suspicious.Old classmates chatting and eating together, what is there to make a fuss about? I couldn't help leaning against her.She was a little startled, and glanced at me, blushing slightly. "Sun Yue!" I called softly, stretched out my hand, and held her hand tightly. She turned her eyes to mine, watery and sparkling. How many words do I have to tell you, Sun Yue! "Where did you get this earth blue cloth?" As soon as I said it, I regretted it.Why do you ask about this?What I want to say is not this! she laughed.Are you laughing at my clumsiness? "I haven't heard that there is nothing difficult in the world, as long as there is a heart?" She answered me in a low voice, and took her hand away from mine. "Sun Yue!" I called out again.I think it is also a kind of happiness to call her that way.She turned her face to me, waiting for my words.I carefully wrapped the pouch around the tobacco rod, and handed it to her: "I quit smoking, this is for you!" She stretched out her hand to take it, and her gaze stayed on my face for a long, long time.How beautiful her eyes are!Full of tenderness, full of fantasy.Sun Yue, Sun Yue, do you remember a sentence I wrote in my diary more than 20 years ago? "At this moment, how I want to kiss your eyes, your talking eyes!" Today I am going to say this sentence again, but not with my voice but with my eyes. She gets it.Her body trembled, and she moved a little away from me. "I've changed a lot, too?" she asked, her voice soft.I nod to her. "You say it's normal for me to be like this?" she asked again, her voice softer. "It's normal, Sun Yue." I replied in a low voice. "But I don't think I'm worthy of being a party member anymore," she said. "Why?" I asked in surprise. "Faith is shaken," she murmured. "So you thought you were a solid Marxist, 100 percent Bolshevik?" I asked.Somewhat ironic.In the point of being sarcastic, I am very similar to Xi Wang. I want to change it, but I can't. She doesn't answer. Sun Yue, Sun Yue, it seems that you haven't fully understood yet.You confuse blindness with firmness, and doubt and firmness as absolute incompatibility.Where did you, and I, get your faith?In class, in books.We have become a "communist fighter" without much effort.However, Marx and Engels struggled for half a century to establish their beliefs.They studied the entire history of human civilization and the entire history of the development of European capitalism; they critically absorbed all progressive spiritual wealth, and participated in the struggle practice of the working class in Europe and America.Faith is never easy to build.Faith that is easily established can never be firm.Unless a person learns to tell lies, or simply hangs his faith as a badge on his skirt. "But maybe my original faith is blind," she said herself.She thought about it. Suddenly, she laughed. "I remembered the scene when I was first liberated." She said. When she was first liberated, she was in primary school.The teacher often took them to the countryside to propagate revolutionary principles.In order to cultivate their "proletarian feelings", a teacher took them to the cesspit to eat.While eating, he deliberately talked about feces and maggots. "I really believed at that time that with the feelings of the proletariat, the smell of manure became delicious. I honestly accepted the test and transformation. But I was so disgusted that I didn't dare to look at the maggots rolling in the cesspool. A The classmate said to me: "Sun Yue, a maggot crawled into your bowl!" I jumped up instinctively and lost my job. The classmates laughed, and I was flushed with shame. I was determined to restrain my instinct and approach I sat down in the cesspool. I looked at the cesspool, and kept pushing rice into my mouth. I said to myself: 'I didn't see anything, I didn't see anything...' A bowl of rice finally Finished eating. I was praised by the teacher." "What does this mean?" I asked. "The teacher who cultivated our proletarian feelings doesn't know what is proletarian feeling. If we follow blindly, we can only spread rumors, mistake brass for real gold, or mistake real gold for brass. Of course, I will never It's been so ridiculous. But it keeps happening," she said. "It's all supported by the 'I didn't see anything' spell?" I asked with a smile. She nodded and smiled: "Yes, I have survived." Then, she sighed again and said: "But now this sentence does not work. Because I actually saw a lot. Maggots are not big. Those who may crawl into the bowl can be ignored, but life can be ignored?" "So, doubt is often the beginning of self-awareness. The understanding obtained through doubt is more firm." I said. I feel very happy.I feel that the distance between me and her is shortening.I stared fixedly at her beautiful silhouette, thinking about what happened in the bush more than twenty years ago.Sun Yue, if there is no one else around, I will give you back double what you once gave me... "I want to tell you something..." She suddenly turned her face to me and said hesitantly. "Speak!" I said eagerly. "Recently Xu Hengzhong often comes to my house, he..." There was a "boom" in the head, and the happy mood disappeared immediately.No, I don't want to hear her talk about Xu Hengzhong, when the distance between me and her is shortening.I hurriedly interrupted her and said, "I know all about it. You should care about Lao Xu and help him find a suitable partner." I knew my tone was blunt, but I couldn't say it tactfully. "What did you say?" Her eyes flickered at me, then looked away. "You mean I should introduce him to someone else?" She turned to me again. "Yes. He doesn't need you. You don't need him." I fixed her eyes and said. She lowered her head again: "Do you know what I need? Even I don't know..." "Give me the pipe!" I said to her, holding out my hand. She froze for a moment, and handed the cigarette bag to me.I pretend to smoke, smoke, and don't look at her.I really wanted to turn her face around and ask her to answer, "When, did you learn to be pretentious? Don't you really know what you need?" But I held back and smoked my cigarette.Well, since you are like this, why should I force it?I've been doing that most of my life. The cigarette choked her, she turned her head and advised me: "It's better not to smoke." I ignored her, and after I finished smoking, I opened my mouth to speak: "Of course you know what you need best. I don't know! I don't believe that a person will not know what he needs. The only possibility is: doubt and fear of his own needs, or lack of confidence." "You're too sharp," she said, still looking away. "Yeah, not flattering. You're being too subtle," I said, keeping my eyes on her. "Yeah, and not very nice," she replied. What kind of psychological process did you go through?She raised her head and looked at me squarely, as if nothing just happened. I am looking forward to the impact of heart and soul.But her eyes told me: not today, she hid her heart that was about to jump out again, and hid it quite deeply.I remembered again that she was my branch secretary.The human heart is not made of iron, it can be heated and burned by external force.I can only wait, let nature go.Twisted melons are not sweet.Why do I need to force it?All these years have passed.Today, she has opened the window of my soul to me, maybe tomorrow will open the door? "Wu Chun is here, whose house are we meeting?" I changed the subject. "Of course it's my home. I want to buy a lot of meat, fatty meat, and he must eat enough," she said. "I buy wine." I said. "Can you leave the hospital?" she asked. "I will definitely come, as long as you don't say there is no food." I said. she smiled.I stood up and held out my hand to her: "It's getting late, Comrade Secretary, you should go back." She gently shook my hand and left.Don't look back.But after walking for a while, she came back again, and I went to meet her. "You'd better not smoke. Pneumonia is caused by smoking!" There was a spark in her eyes. I handed the pipe to her: "Okay! Quit smoking! You should keep this pipe." She smiled, took the pipe and put it in her bag, and left without looking back. I looked at her back, and two Sun Yues appeared in front of me.One is Sun Yue who is warm and natural, innocent and naive, and the other is Sun Yue who is calm and sophisticated, but also a bit pretentious.Which one do I like? "Is it the object?" A patient approached me and asked.They all know I'm still a bachelor. I smiled, noncommittal.So it attracted a compliment: "It's really good, looks like a cadre!" I just don't like her "cadre look".This is her affectation. "No, she is not my target. She is not a cadre either. She is my old classmate." I answered the patient and went to the ward.If the enthusiasm of Sun Yue in the past was naturally combined with the calmness and sophistication of Sun Yue today... would such a combination happen?I think so.We are all children of nature, and our natural nature is constantly restricted and transformed by social life, which is normal and necessary.However, this kind of restriction and transformation should be reasonable, and should become people's conscious requirements and actions.Coercion will only make people feel depressed, learn to hide their true feelings, and even become hypocritical.If a society takes hypocrisy for granted, and regards natural innocence as evil and weird, it will create many silent tragedies.I like natural innocence.I believe Sun Yue will restore her naturalness and innocence.She has discovered her true self.However, she is not used to this herself, and she still has doubts and fears.It will be fine, Sun Yue, it will be fine. You were originally a body of flesh and blood.You had a beating heart.Your brain contains the brain, so you can think, and you can form your thoughts and make your judgments based on the materials provided by your own feelings.You have a mouth, you can express your heart, not a parrot.In the past, you forgot about these things and never even noticed them.Today, you remembered, or discovered: you originally had such an instinct, such a requirement!You feel fear, doubt, and even shame.What's so strange about that? It will be fine, Sun Yue, it will be fine.But Sun Yue, how I want to say to you: "Let's create together! We shouldn't wait!"