Chapter 15 fourteen

Returning home from the hospital, Regret greeted me very warmly, and paid attention to my expression, probably because he wanted to understand the impact of this visit on me! The day before yesterday, I accidentally saw her diary.As usual, after she falls asleep, I check her homework.A small notepad fell out of the bag.When I opened it, it was a diary.I didn't know that children kept diaries, and my curiosity made me want to take a look.Most of the things I remember are things in school: I have encountered difficulties in my studies, I have problems with my classmates, I have opinions on a certain teacher, and so on.Most of these, I usually understand instantly.Some content has been kept secret from me, that is, my observation and thinking, opinions and feelings.It's like a mirror of me, sometimes it makes me laugh, sometimes it makes me cry. "Who has no worries in life since ancient times? Poor sorrows have nowhere to tell. Who knows the pain in my heart? Who pities me weak and lonely?" This poem was written by her after watching the movie "Women's Basketball No. 5". The experience of the mother and daughter in "Women's Basketball No. 5" resonated with her.I remember seeing No. 5 of the women's basketball team say to the coach: "I wish I had a father like you!", she suddenly complained of a headache and left the field.It turned out that she thought of He Jingfu! "I love Uncle He, I love him like a daughter loves her father. Why didn't mother make friends with him, but went to find Xu Hengzhong instead?"

Perhaps it was this diary that made me decide to visit He Jingfu in the hospital?I am secretly grateful to my daughter.But now, under the gaze of my daughter, I must remain calm. "It's getting late, go to bed after finishing your homework, sorry!" I said calmly.She agreed, but didn't move, her eyes were still fixed on me.The child is big, really big.She asked to intervene in her mother's life.This request is silent, but stubborn, so that you have to consider it.But I don't want to talk about that with her today.My mind was filled with the scene in the hospital just now: every word he said, every look in his eyes; every movement he made, the scene where he was so excited that he clasped his hands tightly in front of his chest...

"Mom is tired. Sorry, let's sleep together!" I undressed and went to bed.Sorry and disappointing.Pouting his mouth, he took off his clothes and threw them one by one on the stool, and some on the floor.I ignored her and just thought about my own thoughts. He Jingfu didn't mean to look down on me at all, I used to have too much heart.He is about to become a philosopher, speaking full of philosophy.His forty years old is really "forty years".I am getting more and more confused.He is right, "confusion" is not a bad thing.But when can I go from "confused" to "not confused"?I cannot say whether I will be happy in union with him.I am still so strongly attracted to him.However, I also feel that the difference in character with him is more obvious.There is a couplet: "The ancient trees are towering, straight to the sky, you call it rough; the winding path leads to seclusion, thousands of turns, I think it is circuitous. Similar in nature, far away in habit." Ah!Where did you read it?Is it his diary?No, how much like the two of us!But they are attracted to each other...he gave me the cigarette bag for safekeeping.Is it a token of love?No, he didn't say that...

I couldn't sleep anyway, so I simply got up and took out the pipe from my bag.Unfortunately, this is his family heirloom?Maybe there is some story in it?He should be allowed to talk.I know so little about him.We never had a chance to talk together. "Mom!" Regret sat up suddenly and called me, which shocked me a lot.I quickly hid the dry pipe. "Did you sew a cigarette purse for Uncle He?" God!She didn't sleep and saw everything clearly. "Sleep! Mind your own business! I won't be able to wake you up tomorrow!" I said to her, pretending to be serious.

"Okay! Don't mind your own business. Mom, don't let Uncle He smoke! He's going to get cancer!" She smiled at me secretly and lay down again.I also quickly locked the pipe in the drawer and lay down. That big man riding a horse in the dream that day seemed to be him!Isn't it?I only saw his back.The person who called him had a voice that sounded familiar to me.Who is it?Who is it... His eyelids are astringent and his head is dizzy.Stop thinking about it! I don't think about it anymore.However, there was a strange scene in front of his eyes, and he experienced some strange things.Afterwards, I realized it was a dream.I looked at the regret around me, she was sleeping soundly.I touched her face and said softly to her: "Unfortunately, did you have a dream? Mom had a strange dream!"

I don't believe in prophecy theology, not at all.But every time I have a dream, especially a strange dream, I have to think about it for a long time.I want to get a little meaning out of it and figure out what it portends.Just like when my grandfather saw the variation in nature, he thought of the fate of our family.The dreams I tell people are relatively complete, not at all like the dreams analyzed by Freud, which are thoughtless and fragmented.Because I processed the dream.In the state of half awake and half asleep, I recalled bit by bit the dream I just had.Where it is blurred, I will outline it more clearly; where it is broken, I will connect and mend it.

For today's dream, I have thought a lot, for a long time.So it is all the more unique and complete.I simply got up and made a written record. A strange epidemic suddenly occurred in the city where he and I lived.The patients are like lunatics, turning things in their homes into a mess.They were thrown to the ground one by one, and some even set fire to them.After throwing away the things, he cut open his chest and checked his internal organs like a surgeon.The appearance is really strange: some hold their hearts in their hands, weeping sadly, and counting; Throwing away the feeding dog, changing into a plastic heart, grinning and wandering around the street, eating whatever he sees, even though everything is excreted intact, but yelling: "Today is the only time to let go of your stomach." Eat enough!"

Infectious disease experts from all over the city gathered together, studied thousands of cases, and found that this is a kind of mental infectious disease, which is caused by the sudden warming of the climate.Part of the frozen nerves suddenly revived, which stimulated people's spirit too violently.Healthy people are worried and sad.They burned incense and prayed: God, let's get cold again!Earth, let it freeze again!Don't destroy our city.We have long been used to the cold. Prayer is as ineffective as healing.Infections are spreading. Me and him (I don’t know who he is. I don’t know what relationship he has with me. But I have lived with him for many years, and I listen to him in everything.) We are still healthy people .In order to avoid contagion, we have closed our doors and windows and cut off communication and travel for more than ten days.He took me to pray three times a day: "It's cold and the earth is freezing, and there is no disease. The ice melts and the earth warms, and the disease is contagious. God, let it be cold again! Earth, let it freeze again! Amen!" He must I need to pray on my knees, otherwise it will not work.

I am so tired of this prayer.When I was young, I often liked to kneel and kowtow to adults, asking for a few rewards, or exchanging a few compliments.But one year during the Spring Festival, I got tired of kowtowing and was afraid of kowtowing.Several generations of a family sit in the main room, great-grandfather, great-grandmother, grandfather, grandmother, uncle, aunt, uncle, aunt, father, mother, uncles, aunts, brothers and sisters.I am the youngest.Generation after generation, everyone kowtows and kneels in turn. Kowtow and kneel down one by one.I still say "New Year's greetings to my father, New Year's greetings to my mother, and New Year's greetings to...".Generation after generation, one by one knocked down.Half a day has passed.In the end I kowtowed.I have to kowtow the most.No one wants to kowtow to me.Seeing the room full of men, women and children all waiting helplessly for my "head", my heart was already frightened.But I still bent my knees and knelt down: "New Year's greetings to great-grandfather, New Year's greetings to great-grandmother, New Year's greetings to grandfather, to..." Kneel down, stand up, and bow; kneel again, stand up again, and bow again. "Happy New Year to Uncle, Happy New Year to Aunt..."

Knees are weak.There are so many people waiting for my "head".I figured out a way to imitate the way men salute when they meet each other, and put both fists together: "Happy New Year to my aunt, brother, and sister!" "Hahaha!" There was a burst of laughter.Afterwards, the father said: "No, Xiaoyue, no! Don't be sloppy, worship one by one!" No way, I had to worship one by one.After worshiping my aunt, my brother.After paying homage to my elder brother, my elder sister.I have four older sisters.The youngest sister is one year older than me, and usually grabs food with me.Today, I have to kowtow to her too.However, as soon as I saw her proud look, I didn't want to knock it off, but instead I shaved my face and said she was shameless.She cried "Wow".My father scolded me again: "Xiaoyue, you are the only one who is disobedient, so make a head for Miss Sister!" I made a "head" and knelt down with tears streaming down my face. When I stood up, I burst into tears.

Since then, I have been afraid of kowtowing.Fortunately, they were liberated later, and the ceremony of kowtow was also exempted.But he always told me to kneel down and pray in different ways.I can only do it with him. I feel hot and uncomfortable.He didn't allow me to take off my clothes, saying that I was going to catch a cold.I wanted to open the window several times to ventilate, but he stopped me.Today, I couldn't bear it any longer, so I went to the window, put my face on the somewhat shady glass, and looked towards the street. "There's so much left in the street! What the hell did they drop? You! Let's go and see!" I said to him.I keep referring to him as "you". "No!" he said decisively. I rolled my eyes, came up with an idea, and smiled mischievously at him and said, "You! Look there, it looks like a shiny leather jacket, which you couldn't buy with money in the past. Didn't you say you should cherish it?" Something? I'll pick it up and put it on for you!" "Really?" He couldn't help bringing his face closer. "It's a fur jacket. It's still going to be cold, these lunatics! Okay, you go and pick it up, and pick up something else by the way, let's study it. Go and come back quickly, and don't come into contact with anyone." "Okay!" I happily agreed, and ran out with two oversized travel bags he handed over. It was bright and hot outside, and I wanted to take off my clothes and have a good time.But his face was pressed against the glass looking at me.I didn't dare to be presumptuous, so I grabbed the things around me, and after a while, I came back with two big bags full.The door was still firmly shut. I sort through my pick-ups the same way he did: hats of all sizes—for myself and for others.Crutches made of various materials - can be used to climb high, and can also be used to beat people.leather jacket.coat.coat. sleeping bag.cloak.It's cold here, and people wear the most clothes of this kind.wooden fish.books. Wowotou.malted milk.Narrow waist leather shoes.tinted glasses... I reached into the pocket of a coat and touched something as hard as a walnut.When I took it out and looked at it, I was shocked.It's a human heart!I cried, "Heart! You! A heart!" He was also taken aback, quickly took the thing from my hand, observed it carefully for a while, and said to me with a smile: "What a coward! Didn't see it? Is it a dead heart? It has withered and changed color!" I am not less afraid because the heart is dead.I wanted to figure out whose heart it was and what it meant for me to have it.I tossed and turned to study the coat.Suddenly, my hand retracted as if it had been electrocuted, and I dropped the coat.Because I recognized that it was He Jingfu's coat, which was the coat he was wearing when he came to our house to look for me that year. "This is He Jingfu's coat, He Jingfu's heart!" I said to him, feeling very uncomfortable. He took the coat and looked at it carefully, and his face changed. "It belongs to He Jingfu." he nodded.He knew my feelings for He Jingfu. I still remember that that year, that month, that night, He Jingfu asked to see me at my house.But he refused, saying that He Jingfu was a monster and wanted to eat me. He pushed me into a room to hide, saying that I was not at home, and even if I was at home, I would not want to see him.I looked out through the crack of the door, and saw He Jingfu's eyes showing extreme disappointment and sadness. He said loudly to the wall that separated us: "Sun Yue, do you really don't want to see me? Then , would you accept a gift from me?" Just as I was about to agree, I heard two loud knocks on the door, which was a signal that I was not allowed to speak, so I dared not say anything.He threatened He Jingfu with a crutch: "Aren't you going out? I can send you to the eighteenth level of hell!" He Jingfu was driven away, and I didn't go to help him, and I always felt sorry for him.Thinking of this, I asked, "You! What gift did He Jingfu want to give me at that time?" He hesitated for a moment and said to me: "That's the heart. But it was alive at the time. Outside the door, he forced the heart into my hand, and I slipped it back into his coat.I don't know where he is now, and how this coat was thrown here. " "He Jingfu must be dead! This heart is dead too! It's all my fault!" I said to myself while holding the heart and crying. My tears fell on that heart.I felt it squirming in my hand, and my heart trembled like an electric shock.I quickly paid attention to this heart.Strangely, it was withered and black just now, but now it is crystal clear.My heart beat violently, as if it was about to rush out of my throat and merge with the heart in my hand. I said "Ah!" in horror. He heard me call and looked at me.I put my hand in front of him.His face suddenly lost its color and turned bright yellow.He shouted: "Sun Yue! Hurry up! Throw it out of the window! Maybe it's the infectious disease brought by this heart. Now it's coming to harm us. It hates us!" I don't want to listen to him anymore.I'm still holding that heart in my hands.Suddenly, it flashed like a telegraph and sent a message, a message that only I could understand: "No, I don't hate you. I don't hate anyone. Sun Yue, swallow me! I belonged to you." I bring my heart to my lips.When he saw it, he rushed over like crazy to grab that heart. But it's too late!It jumped into my mouth and I swallowed it. "Sun Yue has an infectious disease!" He screamed and reached out to grab me at the same time. My strength suddenly increased, and with a light wave of my hand, I broke free from him.I went to my room and found a small fruit knife, stainless steel.I gently opened my chest... "Sun Yue has an infectious disease!" He shouted louder.I think he is the patient, insane.I check my heart, what's all the fuss about?I took out my heart and took a closer look. There was a defect on the tip of the heart, and it was covered with a lot of dust.I rinsed it under the faucet and it was clean. "What about the missing ones?" I asked. "Put it in, and it will grow back naturally." He Jingfu said in his heart.I put my heart in my chest again.No scars were left.I smiled and said to him: "Look, am I alright? Come on, let me wash your heart too!" I pointed the fruit knife at him. His eyes were frightened: "Why, do you want everyone to know that I have no heart? You don't talk about love at all?" I was taken aback: "Where is your heart?" "He Jingfu's heart was bloody that day, which made me very uncomfortable. That night, I vomited for a while, and half of my heart was thrown out." He muttered. "What about the other half?" I felt sorry for him. "There's still half of it. My diarrhea came out that time." His voice was too low to be heard. "Then why?" I asked. "I eat too much, too much." He answered me, with a disturbed look on his face, the first time he had such a look in so many years.I pity him even more: "Don't you think that place is empty?" "No, it's not empty at all. I filled it with other things. If you don't believe me, touch it, it's real." I touched it with my hand: it was really, really hard.Ah, so all these years I followed a heartless person!How can I live with him? "Okay! It's time for us to break up! I can't be with someone who doesn't have a heart. Or, should I spit out He Jingfu's heart to you?" I said to him. "You're crazy! Would I want his heart?" But just now, after saying this sentence, he looked at me with his eyes wide open as if he had been captivated by magic, his mouth was also opened wide, and his upper lip touched the bridge of his nose.It was as if some miracle had happened to me.I went to the full-length mirror to take a picture.what!My appearance has changed.The white hair on the sideburns disappeared, the wrinkles at the corners of the eyes disappeared, and youth returned to me.What's even more peculiar is that my heart is shining, like wearing a radiant badge.Is it because I swallowed that heart?I was also stunned. "Sun Yue has an infectious disease!" He yelled as if waking up from a dream.I hurriedly covered my hair, lest people would see it and say I dyed it. "Sun Yue has an infectious disease!" Who called this?It seems to be a woman. I quickly picked up a veil and covered my face, lest people would see me and think I had put on makeup. "Sun Yue has an infectious disease!" "Sun Yue has an infectious disease!" All kinds of voices shouted together, accompanied by the sound of footsteps.I was so scared that I covered the shiny place on my chest with my hands. People gathered around the window and looked at me like we watched crazy people when we were kids.Sarcasm mixed with pity, intimidation combined with prevention. He told the story of my illness to everyone. He seemed to use only one sentence, but unfortunately I couldn't understand it. "The root of the trouble is the heart she swallowed, dig it out!" He suddenly pointed his finger at me and said viciously. People squeezed in through windows and doors, and they were all healthy people.They shouted together: "Dig it out! Dig out that heart!" "It can be used as a badge!" "I want a badge!" "I want it!" A stainless steel knife for peeling fruit stabbed at my chest.Is that the knife I just used?Instinctively, I jumped to the side and dodged it.I jumped up, pierced through the roof, rushed out of the house, and stood on the roof.Someone catches up.Someone is going to knock off the roof. I ordered myself: "Take off!" At the same time, I kicked off the roof with my feet and flew up. I can fly.Flying skills learned from swordsman novels.But flying too low today.Various buildings keep touching my feet.Going around, the speed is too slow. Tired, very tired.As he descended more and more, the soles of his feet rubbed against the ground.Frustrated, I thought, "It's over. They'll just have to dig out the heart." But I immediately understood: "This is just a dream. In a dream, people can do whatever they want." So I gave myself an order : "Fly to high places! Overcome all obstacles and fly to the nine heavens!" But no, I kicked the ground desperately, but I still couldn't fly high. I'm ready to hang out.Suddenly, a voice sounded: "XXX, Sun Yue is here!" I was overjoyed, my feet flew into the air, and I flew up briskly.The area on the chest is more shiny.I think, I will become a small satellite, and swim in this vast universe for a while.One day, like the shooting star that He Jingfu saw on the Great Wall, I will fall somewhere.The universe will always be vast, and the earth will always be quiet... When I woke up, I tried to think about two questions: First, who is "he"?Is it Xu Hengzhong?Zhao Zhenhuan?Xi Liu?Wu Chun? ...I counted everyone I knew, and they didn't look alike.Because anyway, I can't think of his age, gender, appearance and occupation.How strange!Second, what does this dream indicate?Should He Jingfu and I get along well, or not?Judging from the ending of the dream, it seems to be combined.However, according to my grandfather's method of interpreting dreams, dreams are just the opposite of reality.For example, dreaming of life is death, dreaming of death is life.Then, if you dream of joining together, you will naturally divide. I didn't sweat in the dream, but now I'm sweating. "Mom, I had a dream." Regret leaned towards me with a cheerful voice, "Uncle He has been discharged from the hospital! Uncle He has come to my house!" It was such a dream again!I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep, not talking to regret.She also loves to pester me to interpret dreams.But some dreams are still hard to explain.