Chapter 12 eleven

We who are high school teachers have no leisure but to be sick.In fact, even if I have a minor illness, I can’t be free.Always want to do some chores.I had a cold for three days, and my fever reached 39°C. The doctor gave me sick leave for a few days.It only retreated to 37.5°C today.Dizziness and weakness.Yixin repeatedly told me to take a good rest when I went to work, but I still managed to pick up the sweater worn by my daughter Huanhuan who had just half-knotted.Yixin has already undertaken more than half of the housework.If I asked him to learn to knit to lighten my burden, he would oblige.But how can I, as a wife, have the nerve to do this?Just like this, his colleagues in the factory have already laughed at him for suffering from "strict wife control".He usually doesn't even have time to play, and he is only a young man in his early thirties!

Sun Yue called at the door.She is a person who rarely visits during the day.Although she can skip classes at all, she still goes to the department office for half a day every day, and sits at home preparing lessons for the rest of the time.She teaches foreign literature.She has read those world famous novels countless times, and she still has to re-read them before class and re-edit the lecture notes.Recently, she has become fascinated by Western modernist literature, saying that there are also things worth learning and learning from, and young people should understand.I really don't understand this person. He is full of trauma, full of worries, and his head is full of contradictions and questions, but he still has a lot of energy when he works, and he is more ruthless than a man.Any job is always safe in her hands.Sometimes I couldn't help but blame her: "You have pursued for half your life, devoted yourself to the revolution, and never reached out to the people and organizations. But what have you pursued now? Who will admit that you have made great sacrifices for the revolution? You made a fair evaluation? But your youth, love, and family were all given away as a price, without even a receipt. Aren’t you still learning to behave? Are you still unwilling to be lonely?” She was neither angry nor justified , just sighed and said: "There is no way, it's already a habit to work hard. To live, you have to do something for the people." "Do the people need you?" I sometimes asked her so sharply, knowing that she It will be sad, I still have to ask her like this.I always want to wake her up from her confusion and tell her not to be fooled again.Whenever this happened, she would remain silent, or answer with two lines of ancient poems: "Those who know me say that I am worried. Those who don't know me say what I want. Who is this?" Also feel sad.I understand her, I understand her!We are contemporaries and have traveled similar paths.

Today, why did she come this morning?Did you know I was sick? "I didn't know you were sick! I was bored, so I went out for a walk. Passing by your house, I just wanted to try my luck. I didn't expect you to be at home!" She explained as soon as she entered the door.She's a little pushy. I let her make her own tea, sat down by my bed, and talked about the things that bored her.With her head down and blushing, she poured out one by one: Zhao Zhenhuan's confession, Xu Hengzhong's pursuit, He Jingfu's attitude, and regretful precocity.After speaking, she raised her head and looked at me with tears in her eyes:

"Yining, I originally wanted to be bored in my heart and say nothing to anyone, but it's really uncomfortable. The human heart also needs to breathe. If you don't swallow or vomit, your spirit will be suffocated. But who should I tell? My daughter? Small, most of my colleagues and friends are men. Yining, what do you think I should do? Why do I want to live a peaceful life like others, but I can’t get it? Am I a bad woman who doesn’t deserve peace and harmony? An Ning? But the life of a real bad woman is much better than mine!" That's the problem.She knew better than I did, but she just came to ask me.She must get her own opinion from me.Of course I would say it too, not to mention being anxious.I don't know how many times I have said the following to her, but I said it again today:

"Because you refuse to lower the standard of life, because you place too much importance on the spiritual life. This is very unrealistic today. As long as you can separate the spirit and life, you will be free from contradictions. From the sky Come to the earth! Be practical and you will be happy." "What did you say? Separate the spirit from the life? Wouldn't that person become an animal?" As usual, she asked in surprise. She always does this, asking me to be her alter ego debating her ego.I do take on this role, because I often think of her as my alter ego as well.The difference is that the "self" that has won the dominant position in my heart is still suppressed and resisted by her.This is the fundamental reason why she is often in pain, but I am basically satisfied.However, I don't want to have a philosophical debate with her today. Although I am a philosophy student and a political teacher, I hate this kind of questions more than anyone else.Of course I understand that without spirit a man becomes an animal.How I am afraid to reduce man to the level of animals.When I was young, I went to the park and saw the old monkey hugging the young monkey and kissing and kissing again and again. I felt very uncomfortable: Why do monkeys look like people!Man is the most noble!But gradually I understand that people cannot escape the fate of animals.Almost all the time, everywhere I see the principles of the animal kingdom at work in human society.I don't know whether people should not be like monkeys or monkeys should not be like people.I don't want to hurt my brain!But Sun Yue was troubled by this!I want to go straight to her, let her take out all the mess in her heart, and then give it a sharp knife to cut the mess.I can't let her be in pain for so long.I said to her:

"Let's stop talking about it. I like to discuss things as they are. It's meaningless to discuss whether to forgive Zhao Zhenhuan now. You can't remarry him, and he's not in City C. He's out of sight and out of mind. Besides, he only thinks about it when he's having a bad time right now. Yours. This kind of confession is worthless. Ignore him! You tell me honestly: How far has your relationship with Xu Hengzhong developed. I also heard some rumors!" "I rejected him a long time ago. I regret not liking him." "What about you? Do you like him?"

"I just sympathize with him. I can't bear to ignore him. He's having a bad time." "There are many people who are more pitiful than him. Shall I introduce a few to you?" "What do you mean? As I said, I have clearly rejected him. He is coming, can I drive him out? I'm not sorry!" She blushed. "If your refusal was very clear, he wouldn't have come. To be honest, Xiao Sun, are you ready to accept Xu Hengzhong?" I asked straightforwardly. "Ah, no!" She jumped up reflexively. "How is this possible, how is this possible? I pity him, and sometimes I hate him.... To be honest, Yi Ning, occasionally I have the idea of ​​making do with him, so that I can cut off other thoughts. I used to try to find some cuteness from Xu Hengzhong, for example, he is very good at creating the atmosphere of family life. But no, after a little joy, he immediately hates. He said he placed his hopes on my kindness, and I Tell him no, no, absolutely no!"

"Then, just listen to me and cross this Xu Hengzhong off your account! You have nothing to do with him. You don't have to worry about Xu Hengzhong. As long as you are determined, he will soon turn his attention to others Yes. What he needs is a wife, but he just wants to choose from a high-end one. His problems are easy to solve, and I will take care of them.” She smiled: "You look like the proprietress of a marriage agency!" Be anything!It's not bad to actually open a marriage agency.It might be better for me to "make do" than others!I still grabbed Sun Yue: "Tell me what you think of He Jingfu!"

"I liked him." "What now?" "Now, I can't tell. I respect him and trust him, but I never want to marry him. In the past, I rejected him, and now I pursue him. What is this? Others don't despise me, I will despise your own." "So he came to pursue you? Do you think he will come to pursue you?" "I don't know. But I am not willing to accept other people's sympathy and pity. I am even more unwilling to accept other people's gifts. Every step I take is my own choice. Although this choice does not fully express my feelings and Will, sometimes even against my will. But after all, it reflects my understanding and attitude towards life. I don’t want to erase my footprints, and I don’t want others to help me cover these footprints. These footprints make me painful and ashamed. But also That's why I cherish them so much... I can't live with him, I can't..."

"Okay, then throw He Jingfu away!" I said briskly.I know in my heart that Sun Yue loves He Jingfu.But I don't want to make this marriage.I think Sun Yue's life can no longer withstand the ups and downs.Combined with He Jingfu, bumps are inevitable.I don't know He Jingfu, but I have heard many people say that he is a very knowledgeable person.Unfortunately, these insights are a bit out of line.Who knows how China will change in the future, who knows whether there will be another anti-rightist struggle.No more political campaigns, it's just people's wishes.And wishes rarely come true.

But Sun Yue's thoughts are still stuck in He Jingfu's place: "He should have a family and has been wandering for half his life. However, he will not fall in love with anyone casually. He has requirements..." "Then put away your pride and pursue him, and make up for his loss!" I deliberately provoked her with irony. "I know it's hard to tell the difference between pride and vanity. Maybe what I'm talking about is just vanity. But I'm having trouble 'putting it away' now," she murmurs. "Then let's not talk about him!" I said. "But he's sick and hospitalized, should I go see him?" she asked me. I deliberately said coldly: "The secretary of the general branch of the department should care about the lives of the masses. You should go and see him." "No, I won't go." She shook her head immediately, as if I ordered her to see He Jingfu. I must meet this He Jingfu in the future.The person who can make Sun Yue fall in love so much must be an unusual person.But it's hard to say.The eyes are the windows to the soul, and they can also deceive and betray the soul.At the beginning, didn't Sun Yue just take a fancy to Zhao Zhenhuan's looks?And myself - long forgotten! "Look, what should I do?" She asked me again. She looked at me expectantly.What can I tell her?I have nothing else to say but wish her happiness.It suddenly occurred to me that I should tell her my story, it would give her some inspiration!For many years, I never talked about my past to others, and I never talked about it to Sun Yue.I am satisfied with my present, and I don't want to recall the past.In order to be worthy of my husband and children, I can only bury the past thoroughly.But today, I should tell Sun Yue that I have experienced her depression today.As long as she wants, she can also be freed like I am today. Life has taught me two unforgettable lessons. When I was in college, I fell in love with a male classmate who was seven years older than me. We love very passionately and deeply.We agreed to go to the frontier together after graduation, to start a family and start a business, to blossom and bear fruit.But in the semester that was about to graduate, the party organization suddenly found me and showed me two letters of accusation, accusing my boyfriend of abandoning his "dirty wife".One who wrote the letter of indictment was his "wife" - a rural woman; the other was his father - a respectable old revolutionary. It was like a bolt from the blue to me.He never told me about these things.All I know is that he is a descendant of a revolutionary fighter. Because his biological mother passed away, he was fostered in a fellow villager's family since he was a child.After liberation, although his father adopted him, but because his stepmother couldn't tolerate him, he still lived in his hometown until he came out to study in college.He once expressed worry and anxiety about our relationship future in front of me, but never explained the real reason. I was about to ask him to understand, but he came to me first.After listening to his account, I don't know whether to blame him or not.I don't blame him. It turns out that the villager who raised him has a daughter who is a few years older than him and has been taking care of him.Their parents betrothed them, according to country custom.He only has gratitude and respect for her, but no love.In his heart, she was always his sister and mother.She was illiterate, but he kept reading.When he was admitted to university, she was afraid that he would change his mind, so her parents "married" them - and received a marriage certificate. "Why did you agree to get married?" "I didn't know what love was at that time. I believed that the arrangement of life was reasonable. I was willing to spend my whole life with her. Unexpectedly, true love came. When you see the real thing, you will naturally forget the fake one. "The image of her in his mind became more and more indifferent. He originally thought that this was an easy thing to deal with, and they were not really married! But soon, he knew that he had encountered a difficult problem. Every time When he returned home to visit relatives, he tried to persuade her and beg her, hoping that she would break up with him and find their own happiness, but she firmly refused. She would rather "be a widow" than divorce. "You should have told me. Why did you lie to me?" "I didn't mean to deceive you. I really didn't have the courage to tell you. Didn't I not go back to my hometown during the last two years? I think she would give up... Unexpectedly, the father intervened." The "daughter-in-law" wrote to the father about the fact that the son did not return home to visit relatives.The father immediately wrote to the school to learn about his son's whereabouts.When he knew that his son "likes the new and dislikes the old", he was so angry that he immediately went to the "daughter-in-law" once, and blamed the "daughter-in-law" for not appeasing and accommodating her husband.The poor rural girl didn't know that her "husband" had loved someone else.Now when I hear it, hope is completely shattered, and it is hanging on the beam.Fortunately, he was rescued.But this also caused the "Chen Shimei incident" that caused a sensation in the village.Bao Wenzheng is played by his father.The father used all means to "save" his son, and suing the organization was only one of them. "What are you going to do? Live with that rural girl for the rest of your life?" "What can I do? I have nothing at all..." "Are you—responsible to yourself and me? You are such a courageous person O man! I misread the man!" I wanted to reproach him in this way.But the words were not spoken.Indeed, what can we do?We are at an absolute disadvantage.If during the "May 4th" Movement, our love can still have some "anti-feudal" meaning-must we be grateful through marriage?But our society has gone through the "thoroughly anti-feudal" new democratic revolution and entered socialism.Our marriage law has given everyone the freedom to marry.Therefore, our kind of love can only be "moral corruption" and "great exposure of bourgeois thinking".Coupled with the fact that I am a "Miss Bourgeoisie" and have overseas connections, this nature is even more "obvious". Of course, if my boyfriend is a senior cadre, our affairs may be handled as "subsections".But he is just an ordinary college student. For him, there is no greater "festival" than this.More importantly, his father was unwilling to let his son go easily, and he must let him remember this lesson throughout his life.The school respects his father very much. The party organization criticized and educated him and the group organization against me.We finally severed the relationship.When he was assigned after graduation, he asked to go back to his hometown and stay with his "dirty wife".As for me, I insist on going to the frontier!I am approved.When the distribution plan was announced, the students lifted me up and threw me in the air.And he, my boyfriend, hid far away in a corner, following me with his eyes. We didn't say goodbye.There was no correspondence after that.Now, I don't know where he is either.But my first love, I will never forget. I worked in Tibet for two years, but I was transferred back to City C because of my poor health.Before long, a colleague of mine and I were in love.Accepting the lessons from the past, I repeatedly questioned him about his political status and family status.Fortunately, he is a person with no political background or color, but one level higher than me: he was born in a petty bourgeois family.I also told him about my political situation and asked him to think about it.He said there was no need to think about anything, and we got married. That home wasn't too bad.He is a music teacher, and he plays and sings at home every day. I like music, isn't it just right?I have thanked God, finally gave me a good home. Who would have thought that the second year of our marriage would encounter the Cultural Revolution.Politics is like a flood that hits everything, permeates everything, tears everything down.My small family has become the "Pedofi Club" in our middle school, and our husband and wife have become "ghosts and monsters".Because of my birth and social connections, I was naturally more noticed than he.He became the object of "differentiation and disintegration".In less than a year, he was inspired by the policy of "disintegrating and disintegrating" and "giving a way out" to find his own way out. He "retaliated against me" and "destroyed my relatives with righteousness", exposing that I had conspired to treason and surrender to the enemy during the three-year natural disaster period.The fact is that in 1962, one of my relatives abroad passed away and gave me a legacy, but I did not claim it.But what could be more powerful than the denunciation of a husband?I "leveled up".I was shaved and my "yin and yang head" was shaved like a dog crawling on the ground, but he, my husband was "leniently dealt with" and "liberated" because of this. My heart completely cooled down.The motherland, the people, the party, and relatives all made me feel strange.I suspect that human beings do not have much love and faith.There is only competition for survival between people.The difference with animals is that animals do not make declarations or make excuses when devouring each other; while humans can create many banners to deceive themselves and others.I believe in Xunzi's "evil nature theory". Several times, I wanted to kill myself.But a female student who guarded me saved me. She "guarded" me very strictly and advised me to live. I was finally "liberated". The first thing after "liberation" was to ask for a divorce and transfer from the original school.I have achieved my goal. I was transferred to the current school and lived in the school.The female student who had helped me often came to see me and took me to her home.I met her brother and my current husband Yixin.He called me "Aunt Li" when he first met me, and his mother told him to call me that.Of course I agreed, he was eight years younger than me. Meeting such a family warmed up my already chilled heart.I have a little more trust and affection for people.I didn't think of falling in love with Yixin, and Yixin didn't mean to love me.What brought us together was Yixin's mother, a very kind widow.Now she is dead.At that time, she was very sympathetic to what happened to me, and tried every means to introduce another partner to me and build a new family.She said she understands how hard it is to live "without hands".But her efforts failed again and again.In those days, who would want to marry me, a married woman with a bad "political background"?Finally, the old mother turned her attention to her son: "Yixin, marry Teacher Li! She is a good person!" She persuaded her son to have pity on people like me, and convinced him that I would become a good wife and a good wife. female.The filial son promised to try.He stopped calling me "Auntie" and changed it to "Teacher Li", and later called me "Big Sister" and "Yining". Yixin only went to junior high school. In order to help his mother raise his younger sister, he dropped out of school and entered a factory. When the Cultural Revolution began, he was an apprentice who had just entered the factory.I don't know how it is possible to fall in love with this young man who is eight years younger than me and has a huge gap in knowledge and interests.When he called me "Yining" for the first time and stammered that his mother told him to marry me, I didn't know how surprised I was.I pulled him to the mirror and told him to look at the relationship between the two figures in the mirror.He glanced hastily at the mirror and said, "Mommy says you're young and I'm old, so we look about the same age." I asked him, "Do you think we get along?" He replied, "I don't Learning. Try asking two questions to see if I understand!" His childlike simplicity moved me.I also try to develop another relationship with him.I'm terribly tired of politics, of class struggle.I longed desperately for a rest.As long as there is a thatched hut that can protect me from the political wind and rain, I want to get in.When I was in junior high school, my Chinese teacher once read a poem by Bing Xin to me, to the effect: "The storm in the sky is coming, and the birds hide in their nests. The storm in the world is coming, and I want to hide in my mother's arms. "My mother died a long time ago, and I am willing to hide in the nest, no matter how simple the nest is. I got married to Yixin.Happiness can only be understood and appreciated from comparison.I finally settled down in my life because I got out of the political vortex.Yixin doesn't care about politics at all.To him, I was his wife, the mother of his daughters, an essential pillar of his family.He loves his little family, and naturally he loves me and the children.For this family, he can give everything of himself.I feel that I am happy. Yixin won't enjoy music with me, but he can sit and accompany me through any concert.Yes, he was dozing off, so what did it matter?He is so tired!He doesn't like to read any novels or poems, but when I tell him literary stories, he can listen without showing tiredness.I know he didn't listen to anything, because the story was told to him afterwards and he still didn't know anything.But what does it matter?He wants to care about our family building. He looks at me and thinks in his heart: It's time for her to buy a coat. When I say to separate spirit from life, I don't mean to lose spirit completely.I think that the spiritual life can be divided into different grades.I lowered the required level. I also get spiritual satisfaction: that is, I feel that there is someone in this world who cannot do without me, and is willing to sacrifice my interests and hobbies to make me happy.In this way, a spiritual need was created for me: to repay him and make corresponding sacrifices for him. In order to please him, I try to forget music and literature as much as possible, as well as philosophy and thinking, which Hegel calls the highest stage of absolute spiritual development.I bought a sewing machine, "Clothes Cutting", "Woven Knitting", "Popular Cooking" and other books.I learned to cut my husband's and daughter's hair.In order not to embarrass my husband by looking older than me, I tried to look as young as possible.You could say I learned to groom well. We live like this.I am content, therefore I am happy.I doubt I ever had a different pursuit.Life is meant to be like this. Now all we need is a TV.If you buy a nine-inch one, the money is enough.But Yixin said that twelve inches is generous.Daughter Huanhuan supports her father's opinion.We are working hard for this, and it will take another year or so! After buying a TV, we have to fight to buy a washing machine.Yixin said that I was in poor health and should be freed from housework as much as possible. "The task of my working class is to liberate the two women in our family from housework. Isn't that great?" Yixin sometimes jokingly asks my daughter and me like this.The daughter always stretches out her thumb first and calls: "Daddy is great! Long live Daddy!" As for me, I always hold my daughter in my arms immediately, kissing and kissing again and again. As children grow up, their needs increase.After the washing machine should be a tape recorder to help children learn foreign languages... Life produces one need after another.Material needs occupied my spirit little by little, and finally replaced the spirit.Desires are endless, and every desire can be used as a daily goal of struggle, so that you have no time to think of anything else. Philosophy is given back to philosophers.Politics was given back to the politicians.I work as a life expert and study the business of running a home. I feel fulfilled and happy.That's the way life is. This is my story.I live without color and fragrance, but without wind or waves. You know, the color and fragrance are often followed by wind and waves.When someone pays attention to you, someone wants to destroy you.No one pays attention to you, and you are safe and sound! What more can man ask for?Sun Yue's hand pulled mine tighter and tighter.I feel her hands are cold and wet. "If I were classmates with you back then, I would have criticized you. If I had been colleagues with you back then, I would have encouraged your husband to kill your relatives righteously. Yi Ning, this is so terrible. Many things that were taken for granted in the past have been discovered today. It's a tragedy, a silent tragedy." "Forget it, Sun Yue! Don't think about comedies and tragedies! I have forgotten everything in the past. Therefore, history can also be like waste materials, bundled up and thrown into a corner! It's like knitting wool , If it is damaged, it will be completely new if you tear it apart and start over, and change the stitching method, and no one will be able to see its original appearance.” She was amused by my analogy, but immediately stopped laughing and said: "There is only one end for knitting, but human life is full of thousands of threads!" "Don't try to sort it out! Cut the mess with a quick knife, one click, and it's over." I said. "It's not that simple, Yining! Tell me, don't you really feel sorry at all?" She grabbed my hand again. My heart constricted.do i feel sorryI never ask myself that.It is regrettable not to have what should be and can be obtained.However, what you originally thought was just a fantasy, and it was impossible. If you didn't get it, it was a matter of course. What regrets do you have?The man who "differentiated" from me at the beginning is also living a very good life now.He will follow the trend, always floating in a place where people can easily find him, and he is good at avoiding all dangerous collisions.Can you "regret" that he did not receive the retribution he deserved!In this world, he is not the only one who deserves retribution but does not receive retribution?There are many people who are much older than him, can you "regret" all day long?Will the world change its appearance because of your "regret"? "No, I'm not sorry," I told her decisively. She looked at me carefully for a while, and seeing that I had no intention of lying, she sighed: "Maybe, I should be like you..." "Then let Zhao Zhenhuan, Xu Hengzhong, and He Jingfu all go to see the goddamn ghosts!" I deliberately used "national curse", and she smiled and nodded my forehead.I squeezed her fingers and said sincerely: "Find another honest person and start a new family. The person I told you about last time is a very nice person." She seemed to be taken by surprise and froze.I smiled and said, "Look, you asked me to be your adviser, but you never listened to my words. Sun Yue, live like me and stop dreaming!" Daughter Huanhuan came back from school with a bulging bag in her hand.As soon as I entered the door, she put her arms around my neck and said: "Dad bought you so many delicious things when he was at work. Dad told you to take a good rest. Dad also asked me to kiss you on his behalf..." "Oh, brat!" I felt embarrassed and couldn't help but glance at Sun Yue.Her face was pale.I quickly said to Huanhuan: "Didn't you see Aunt Sun Yue? Go and kiss Auntie!" Huanhuan obediently jumped onto Sun Yue's lap.Two teardrops flowed down the corners of Sun Yue's eyes, and she turned her head in a concealed manner.My heart is also sour.I know what Sun Yue is thinking and feel bad for her. "Auntie, are you sad again?" Huanhuan knew Sun Yue very well and knew that Sun Yue was often unhappy.Sun Yue shook her head and kissed Huanhuan.Huanhuan suddenly sighed like an adult: "Auntie, let me teach you: don't think about anything, don't worry about anyone else's affairs, just take care of your own affairs. When you are old, you can retire and play in the park. Do Tai Chi, buy some white fungus to stew and eat. Oh?" Sun Yue smiled.She hugged Huanhuan tightly in her arms, and promised "good, good" in her mouth, but the tears flowed even more happily.My heart is more sour.We have educated our children in this way, poisoning the little hearts.I feel sorry for my children and I feel sorry for myself. Sun Yue put down Huanhuan, sighed heavily and said, "I'm afraid I won't be able to learn from you." "Then there will inevitably be storms ahead of you." I also sighed. "Fate!" she said, standing up.