Chapter 6 Fives

Mom's face is so gloomy these days.I always see her writing and writing in a notebook, but when I come back she stops writing and locks the notebook in that drawer.That drawer is the "boundary river" between my mother and me.Seeing it, I felt that there was something between me and my mother. "Mom!" I put down my schoolbag and shouted.Mom just said "hmm" without looking back, and was busy opening, closing and locking the drawers. Should I give it to my mother?This hapless student handbook!The physics test was on the red light.This is the first time.It was because of the first time that I was scared to death. "Go back and talk to your mother: Why didn't you pass? How much your mother expected of you! Don't let your mother down!" Teacher Wen said when she handed me the handbook, and I was even more scared.

"Mom!" I mustered up the courage to put the student handbook in front of my mother, and then sat down at my small desk, ready to be trained. "Explain it!" Mom said, her voice a little hoarse. I dare not speak.Mom's face turned away.How sad my mother's eyes are!I put my head down.The only sound in the room was the ticking of the alarm clock. "Mom, just scold me and slap me twice! I don't want to see your sad eyes." I prayed to my mother in my heart.But my mother didn't scold me or beat me.I looked up at her, and her tears were streaming down her cheeks.

My heart is broken.Grown-ups just know their hearts will break.A child's heart will be broken too.My heart breaks when I see my mother's tears.Tears flowed down my cheeks. "Mom!" I called again.I want to ask my mother, why are you so sad?Is it because of my red light?But I didn't ask. "Unfortunately, do you know that mother's hopes are pinned on you? If it were not for you, mother would not want to live. Life is so hard! But you don't understand anything!" said mother, her voice was very low. I know everything, mother!Tell me about it!No matter how difficult you are, I can afford it.We are mother and daughter who depend on each other!isn't it, mom?

But mother didn't say anything more.I saw the lock on the drawer again. My mother signed the student handbook and gave me the handbook: "Why did you fail? Did you not understand in class?" I shake my head.I always pay attention in class. "Then why?" Mom was a little impatient. "That day, I quarreled with a classmate, and my mind was completely messed up during the test." I honestly admitted.How I wish my mother could understand the difficulties in my heart! "Why are you arguing with your classmates?" Mom raised her slender eyebrows.No matter who I quarreled with, or whether I was justified or not, my mother always criticized me.

"She laughed at my name, sometimes called me regretful, and sometimes called me Hanhan. She also asked me, why do I say 'regret'? Is it because I don't have a father..." My voice choked.Ma bit her lip. "Mom, you should tell me, what are you and dad doing?" I asked boldly.This question has been on my mind for a long time.Mother, mother, tell me, I am fifteen years old. Mom waved to me: "Go out and play! It's so annoying!" The lock on the drawer seemed to move to my heart.I suddenly felt that my mother was a stranger to me.Everything is foreign to me!

How loving my mother was in my childhood memory!Every day, when my mother comes back from get off work, the first thing she says is "Huanhuan!" This is my original name.I ran and laughed and threw myself into my mother's arms.My mother likes to carry me on her back, and as she walks, she keeps calling: "Huanhuan! Xiaohuanhuan! Good-looking Huanhuan! Meihuanhuan! Xianghuanhuan!" When she called, I responded.In the end, my mother always yelled out of my surprise: "Smelly ring ring!" I was often fooled, and I agreed.At this time, my mother squatted down laughing.I jumped in front of her and said to her: "I want to tell Dad, Mom is bad! Mom is smelly!" Mom hugged me again, kissed me, smiled, and said: "Huanhuan doesn't smell. Huanhuan is Mama's good baby, Xiang baby!"

At that time, my mother loved to dress me in red, which was as red as fire.There is also a fire in my mother's heart, how warm Huanhuan is! But since my mother and father separated and my name was changed to "恐恐", my mother has changed.Still the same as before, my mother was reluctant to eat and dress, and tried to give me better food and better clothes.But my mother seldom made out with me.In my mother's eyes, I seem to be just a small animal that needs to be eaten and dressed.I felt that I was devalued in my mother's heart like the dollar is devalued in the international market.I am no longer my mother's "good baby, sweet baby", but my mother's "regret".

how lonely i am!Don't children think of death?I'm not a kid either.I have already handed in the application for membership.The teacher said I was not cheerful. Ok!You have a lock, and I have a lock.You don't let me know you, and I don't let you know me. My mother taught me about literary theory.The Japanese Kurakawa Shiramura said that literature is a symbol of depression.I agree with this point of view. Whenever I feel depressed, I want to write poetry.I wrote it and didn't show it to my mother.But one day, my mother gave me a delicate notebook.I opened the title page, and my mother had already written a few words: "Youth poetry copy-Sun Regret".How does my mother know that I write poetry?Strange!I have copied several poems in this book.But this one——I wrote it during the physics test that day, and I didn't copy it on the "Poems".I'm afraid my mother will see it.I wrote it on a piece of paper.

I spread the paper on the table and admire my creation. name People make fun of my name, It can be seen that it is a laughing stock. everything Don't do that to a poor human being. name, name You are not only a symbol of people's character, You can also commemorate certain things, echoes in people's hearts. Although I don't remember the date of that day, That restless night will remain in my heart forever. Although I was very young then, But the memory is already very strong. You who will not disappear, Has been torturing my mind. My heart cannot find peace, Like the waves of the sea churning one after another.

the origin of my name, I don't want to spell it out. let it stay in my heart, Do not torture others. The light wind, the swaying willow, Tell me all about it, Don't mock my name, Let people forget about it. I don't have my own drawers.My schoolbag is my drawer.I tucked this poem in the bottom of my schoolbag. "Huanhuan!" Mom suddenly called out.I was taken aback for a moment before I remembered that this was my old name.Mom is also thinking about the past.Mom also thought of Xiaohuanhuan.I stood up and rushed to my mother, hugged my mother's neck, and asked my mother eagerly: "Mom, what did you call me just now? Call me again!" Already?" Mom asked in surprise, not pretending at all.My heart is cold again. "What do you want me to do?" I asked coldly. "Go and boil the kettle! I want a cup of hot tea." "Okay!" I replied, intentionally making the kettle tinkle.But mom can't seem to hear.

"Sun Yu! Is mom at home?" It's the two of you again!I reluctantly called out "Uncle Xu!" and told him that my mother was here. They are the most frequent guests in our house these days.All because Mom made a pair of shoes for that little boy.The day you put your shoes on comes.The father pulled the son, pointed at his mother, and said, "Call me, Xiao Kun! Call me! She made the shoes for you. Come on, thank you mother!" The son really called "Mom" and said A "thank you mom".That's why I'm disgusted when I see them.Wouldn't it be nice to call him "Auntie" in a proper manner?I want to call my mother!Of course I know that "mother" and "aunt" can be used interchangeably in City C, but the person surnamed Xu is obviously older than my mother!How can it be called that?Fortunately, the mother did not promise the child. "Unfortunately! Is the water still open? Make tea for the guests!" Mom called me.When I brought up the water, Xiao Kun was lying on his mother's lap, and his mother lovingly stroked his head, like her own child.My face is hot.There is new tea at home, just bought.But I brewed a cup of Chencha Mozi for the surnamed Xu, and the Mozi floated more than half of the cup, and asked him to blow it with a pointed mouth.Like a hozen.It's really like a hozen.Mom gave me a dissatisfied look and said nothing.There is a trace of joy in my heart.Only a trace. "Take out your candy and give it to the little brother." Mom said to me. "I'm out of candy!" I replied angrily.whose little brother?No sugar is given to him. Mom looked at me in surprise, then at the candy jar on the cabinet. "I only bought a catty of candy, why did I finish it?" She must have thought so.But she didn't ask me like that, and she didn't go get candy by herself.From this point of view, my mother still has some feelings for me. I dragged a chair and sat down at one end of the desk, loudly.My mother said to me gently: "Take it easy, sorry! There are guests." I ignored.guest!It's amazing! I pretended to be doing my homework, but actually listened to their conversation.The first few times they came, I was out.Talked very late.There are so many words?Why doesn't mom bother you?It's annoying to say one more word to me: "Go out and play, I'm bored to death!" "What have you been up to lately?" Mom asked Xu. The surname Xu replied: "What can I do? The child has no clothes on, so I learned to make two clothes for the child. Old He scolded me and gave Xiao Kun another set of clothes. But I still have to do it. It will take a long time." Let's go!" After finishing speaking, he looked at his mother pitifully. Mom's face was a little red.She turned her head away, sighed and said, "Housework has to be done. You can't lose your business either! The department is going to arrange teaching tasks for you!" "Of course I want to do some business!" said the surname Xu, "but Comrade Xiliu is worried about me, and I don't want to make it difficult for you. That's the only person who has said that you have protected and reused me. In fact, it's not that they don't know that culture We are two factions in the Great Revolution, I criticized you, I'm sorry..." Look at him like a ghost!Head stretched more and more in front of mother.Mom pulled back the chair, interrupted him and said, "Old Xu, what are you talking about? We can't talk about who is sorry for anyone. If people like you and me can take responsibility for that period of history, I will We must settle this account with you. Unfortunately, at that time we had not obtained the qualifications to be responsible for history, but history should be responsible for us. As for the lessons of each individual, that is another matter. You have you I have my lessons. In this respect, no one can cover up anyone, and no one can replace anyone." Talking about these things again, the Cultural Revolution, the Cultural Revolution!Since I was just sensible, I have heard these words constantly.The radio speakers shouted every day: "The Cultural Revolution is good, it is good!" The auntie in the kindergarten taught us to shout slogans: "Long live the unprecedented Cultural Revolution, long live!" What is "unprecedented"?I didn't really understand until today.In recent years, whenever my mother and her friends got together, they talked about the Cultural Revolution.My ears could hear calluses.Let's talk about this again today.Today is fine, both of them are very calm.As usual, we still quarreled!It's so noisy!He blushed so loudly that his neck was thick.But in the end, one person always compromises first: "Okay, okay! We are all ordinary people, and it is not our business to sum up historical experience. How about it, let's talk about salary increases! Talk about small food baskets. Hahaha!" So, they were all like children, no matter how much they quarreled, as long as they tickled their little fingers, they made up.But the next time we meet, we will still argue about these issues.The more times I listened to it, the more I learned some truths.They are both very upset about their past - "the first half of their life" as they call it. "History! History has played a big joke on us!" An uncle said like reciting a poem.Mom said that he had just been released from prison and was sentenced to life imprisonment because he opposed Lin Biao. I understand, this is intellectuals!Gradually, I became a bit of an intellectual myself.However, I am definitely smarter than my mother and the others, and I will never participate in any political struggles.I want to be an independent.I handed in the application for membership.The Communist Youth League is not a party, is it?Joining the group, it just shows that I want to be a good person.My mother often said to me: "You have to be an honest person, an upright person, and a useful person." "No matter what you say, I still feel sorry for you. Especially at that criticism meeting, I also called you 'Xi Liu's...', but I didn't believe it at all in my heart!" The person surnamed Xu spoke again.Look and voice are pitiful. Mom called "Old Xu!" and stood up.I know, my mother is excited.She stood up when she got excited.Is it to calm down? Why does the surname Xu call his mother "Xi Liu's"?I can't figure it out, Mom never said it.To be sure, it was not a good intention!By the way, I remember that my mother once told Aunt Li Yining that the last thing she can bear is spreading rumors and slander, but people want to slander her, even her classmates.Didn't mother mean Xu's surname?If it refers to him, why do you tolerate him again today?I do not understand! Mom stood for two minutes, sat down again, and said calmly, "Old Xu, let's not look at that period of history from now on!" The one surnamed Xu nodded and said, "But how can you forget it! I really admire you. You didn't rise up to rebel under such pressure." My mother shook her head: "You only see the surface. In fact, my thoughts are also active. Especially after knowing the relationship between Xi Liu and Chen Yuli, I really want to announce that I will rebel. But, I Will the rebel team want me for this 'hardcore old guard'? I didn't do it just for the sake of self-esteem. But in my heart, I always admit that I was 'on the wrong team', 'following the wrong person', and I was alone I don’t know how many tears Chairman Mao shed in front of the portrait!” Mom is so stupid.Now who would admit that they wanted to rebel?The real rebels also refuse to admit it!Rebels are counter-revolutionaries, bad guys!That's how it's written in the novel.But I don't understand, why did they say they were good at the time?Good people and bad people change back and forth, which is really confusing.To be honest, I don't care about these things.Anyone who is good to me and my mother, no matter what sect he is, I say he is a good person.However, I still need to investigate this person surnamed Xu. Does he really admire his mother, or is he flattering?Mom is the secretary of the general branch, so of course someone will flatter her.Grandma often said: "With a long at the end of the name, talking and farting are louder than people." The word "long" is scary!A classmate in our class got into the league by flattering the Communist Youth League branch secretary.I don't kiss ass.I never like sycophants.Today, a female classmate in the second class said to me: "I really admire your reciting genius." I was very happy to hear that.She's not flattering like this! "Xiao Sun!" Xu stood up, looking very excited. "I understand you today! I saw that many people who actively followed up with the 'Gang of Four' have now turned into persecuted victims and heroes fighting against the 'Gang of Four', so I thought it was human beings to cover up their mistakes and opportunistically It is very rare for a person like you not to boast of being correct. But you can still dissect yourself like this! However, a person like you will suffer. You see people swimming like water..." "Old Xu, I just wanted to ask you, you know a lot about You Ruoshui, why didn't you report to the party committee? We should help You Ruoshui realize his mistakes. Otherwise, what power would our party's policies have?" The one surnamed Xu smiled, but didn't answer right away.After a while, he said, "Xiao Sun, as you said, we don't need to turn over this page of history, do we? Has He Jingfu ever visited you?" My mother seemed unprepared for him to change the subject like this, she was taken aback for a while, and then gave me a careful look.Then, she stood up and poured tea for Xu.After mixing the tea, he walked up to me, took out two yuan and handed it to me: "Go and buy a catty of candy!" Are you trying to embarrass me on purpose, or are you going to send me out?I watched my mother's face attentively, but got no answer.I had to take the money. I went to the nearest store, bought a pound of candy and came back.They were still talking about He Jingfu.The surname Xu called him Lao He, which seemed very affectionate.His mother called him He Jingfu, and it seemed that he was not very affectionate. "Old He is really not a simple person. He has endured all kinds of hardships and has not lost his vigor in the past." The surname Xu said with admiration. "Yes!" Mom simply responded. "In his forties, he is still a bachelor. We old classmates should help him start a family." Xu said. "Yes!" Mom replied again. "He probably hasn't forgotten about the past." The surname Xu approached his mother and said in a low voice. Mom's face turned red up to her neck.She glanced at me quickly and said, "Unfortunately, let's cook!" I realized they were going to talk about "substantial" issues.Of course I don't want to go out.But it is impossible not to go out.I pursed my mouth to wash the rice, put it on the gas stove, and went back to the door quietly, listening to their conversation. "If you want to talk about Lao He's feelings for you, there is nothing to say. Those diaries are really touching. The criticism at that time was too left. But now the time has passed. Lao He's character has become hard, but you are more easy-going than before. .It might not be appropriate for you to live together, right?" said the surname Xu. My heart constricted.So that's what the surname Xu was talking about these days!Who is He Jingfu?Have you been to our house?I can't remember anything.I want to hear what my mother has to say.But mother stopped for a long time without speaking. "Haven't you considered this question?" The surname Xu asked again. Mom finally spoke, her voice was very soft: "What's the point of bringing up these decades ago? Everyone has their own way of life, and it's hard for anyone to accommodate others." Oops, the rice is mushy.A burnt smell rushed straight to the nose.My mother smelled it, and she opened the door just in time to see me running from the door to the kitchen, so she asked sharply, "Sorry! What's the matter with you?" "It's so hot!" I replied, feeling very uneasy.Mom must have guessed that I was eavesdropping. I don't know if it's because of He Jingfu, or because I burnt the rice, and my mother's face is even more ugly when eating dinner, as if the bad weather is about to thunder and rain.None of us said a word and ate in silence.This is often the case when we eat, and it is very rare when a family sits together, talking and laughing while eating.I'm used to it, but I'm not always happy. "Sorry! You don't pay attention to your posture again, sit down!" Picky again.This is harder than being silent.When my mother is upset to the extreme, she has to pick on me like this: my teeth are too loud when I chew, my sitting posture is not correct, my head is about to touch the rice bowl, etc., etc., etc.!I'm often so picky that I don't know how to eat.I can't get angry!I really want to ask my mother: Am I the source of your troubles?Then why did you give birth to me and raise me?I corrected my posture, and carefully put the rice in my mouth, not daring to see my mother.I know that at this moment, my mother's eyes must be both sad and disturbed, as if blaming me and begging for my forgiveness.I can't stand the look. After eating, my mother and I went back to our desks and sat down.Each thinks of his own mind.I really wanted to know who He Jingfu was and what his relationship was with his mother, but I didn't dare to ask my mother. Should the family sit in front of the TV?My mother and I were facing the wall.If Papa is here... Ah, Papa! Over the years, the word "father" has become more and more unfamiliar to me.I try to avoid these two words whenever I talk to anyone.I am most afraid that people will ask about my father.In front of my mother, I dare not mention my father.When it has to be mentioned, "he" and "that person" are often used instead.She can understand.i have a dad.But the word "have" should be in the past tense, which is history.But how attractive the word "father" is to me!This attraction will not pass away, will not become history.I always wish I could go to a movie with my dad one day.Or go ice skating together?You can also play chess, backgammon.I often think that if our family of three walks on the road, people will be envious: "Look how happy this family is!" I know that my father is very good-looking.I keep a photo of my mother tearing it up that night.I secretly posted it behind my mother's back.There are three people on it: father, mother, and me.My whole history is this torn photo.All three faces were torn apart, and I was torn in half.One half is attached to the father, and the other half is attached to the mother.I don't like to see a family being torn like this, but I have to watch it secretly.Now I want to take it out again.While my mother wasn't paying attention, I took out the photo, glanced at it, and quickly put it in my small wallet again.Heart pounding.My mother's eyes seemed to shoot at me.She won't see it.She has no time to care about me. how?All three people in the photo are alive.I was not one of them, I was just watching them from the sidelines.What a beautiful trio!What a merry trio!Huanhuan put her chin on her hands and smiled with her mouth open.Huanhuan's mother smiled like a little girl.Huanhuan's father was also smiling, but he kept his mouth shut, like a little girl.who?Slash their faces and bodies with a pencil sharpener?They were all torn.Huanhuan's father, mother, and Huanhuan have all become semi-human, how scary!I dare not look at them!But they all walked towards me with wry smiles.I cried out in terror.I struggled for a long time before avoiding these three and a half pullers.Woke up, it turned out to be a dream.Mom's hand is stroking my head.Mom is kissing my forehead.I held my breath and remained motionless.Ah, mother!Why do you show me such mercy only at night? Mom took it by hand.I hear sobbing.I opened my eyes secretly to see that my mother was holding the photo in her hand, the torn photo.I jumped up and fell into my mother's arms. My mother hugged me tightly and cried and said to me: "Poor child, mother is sorry for you! I am sorry for you!" "No, I am sorry for mother. I will never mess with you again." Mom is angry!" Mom hugged me tighter.