Chapter 5 Four

Including: upside down.In the past I turned others upside down, I took my son to the park yesterday.Seeing other people's children put on beautiful spring clothes, and looking at Xiao Kun, who is still wearing dirty cotton clothes, I feel really uncomfortable.On the way back, I stopped by several children's clothing stores, and the prices were scary.I remembered that there was a sewing machine at home.Do it yourself, have enough food and clothing, why don't I try it?Bought two pieces of cloth.Borrowed a cutout book.Take out a ruler, a pair of scissors, and a colored chalk.The objects and tools of labor are complete, and it is time to play the role of the main body.

Cut the pants first.Draw lines on the cloth with colored chalk. "Your brother is always unwilling to be lonely! Why bother?" A comrade revealed to me Xi Liu's views on me and advised me not to write any more articles. I don't understand why I can't write articles.No one informed me: "Deprive your freedom of publication and speech according to the law." But I knew that this comrade had good intentions, so I nodded and agreed.From the rule of man to the rule of law, we have to take our time, not in a hurry. "It's not easy, Old Xu! His name has appeared in the publication again. No need for a pseudonym!" The man's face was full of sarcasm.

I don't understand why I have to use a pseudonym.Because I made mistakes?But the mistakes Xi Liu made in the past were not bigger than mine?I didn't label anyone a capitalist roader or a counter-revolutionary, what about him?How many rightists have been wrongly drawn!I don't look like a gentleman on the surface, but I'm messing around with women secretly, what about him?Of course, fresh urine stinks better than dry shit.But what about swimming?The shit he pulled was also fresh, and he was much more active than me when "criticizing Deng".Why don't they use aliases to be the party secretary and the director of the party committee office?Yes, their mistakes should be borne by history.But why do I have to bear history?Just because I'm as small as mustard?Moreover, am I not Xu Hengzhong by changing my name?But I know that it is appropriate to publish articles under a pseudonym.The Chinese have always liked to make a fuss about the issue of names and realities, turning tricks on them, and putting more emphasis on names than real ones. "Wow, if you are poor, your parents will not have children, and if you are rich, your relatives will be afraid. In this world, if you are rich or powerful, can you be so careless?" Su Qin said with reason.

Well, I am willing to be lonely.Like Zhuang Sheng, there is nothing to ask for, nothing to wait for, and nothing to do.When You Ruoshui was promoted to the office of the party committee, he specially invited me to his house for dinner, fearing that I would "retaliate" and talk about Lao Zhuang to me: "All people have no self. Gods and men have no merit. Saints have no name." Well, detached.But "no self", who cares about my son? "Reactive", who will pay me wages? "Anonymous", who would like to hear a word from me?I don't want to be a big celebrity anymore, it would be nice to be like You Ruoshui.In the world, status, wealth and honor can be ignored?Su Qin's words are still reasonable.

However, Zhuang Zhou is only the founder of Zhuangzi's philosophy, but not necessarily a devout follower of this philosophy.Creation and belief are not necessarily unified, just as knowledge and action, exterior and interior are not necessarily unified, so why should I be an impious believer in the philosophy of Laozi and Zhuangzi? This line is curved and really difficult to draw.In fact, the movement of all things in the universe is mostly curved.Curves are more realistic and natural than straight lines.However, those drawn on books tend to be mostly straight lines.why?Curves are hard to draw.

However, this curve must be drawn well, this is the crotch.If the painting is not good, the child's butt will suffer.The child's butt is also real and natural.I haven't spanked him once since his mom died. "Heng Zhong, I'm dead, you must find a good stepmother for Xiao Kun, or I won't worry about it! Sun Yue...doesn't have a date yet?" When a person is about to die, his words are also fallacious.My wife gave me such a will when she was dying.In the past, one was the rebel faction and the other was the "old security chief".Now, one is Xiliu's celebrity, the secretary of the general branch; the other is Xiliu's thorn in the side, an ordinary teacher.Will these two be united?absurd!

However, everything in the world is the unity of opposites. Sun Yue is making shoes for Xiao Kun.She never hated me or discriminated against me.He is a kind-hearted general branch secretary. Time to use scissors.My hands are shaking a little.Why can't people not wear clothes like primitive people?Or learn from Africans and put a piece of cloth on your body?It is said that this is evolution and civilization.Actually asking for trouble.Pick a bunch of cotton and pop it into a big roll.Then break it down into individual lines.Then synthesize a piece of cloth.Then cut the cloth into pieces.The pieces are then sewn together to make a garment.God!How many times has a piece of clothing been decomposed and synthesized?What about society?Is that how it evolved?

Learn to look at everything from a dialectical point of view.One divided into two, two combined into one.Separation and reunion are endless.This time the "point" came to me. There is a knock on the door.Do you want to clean up these things on the table?Wouldn't it be embarrassing for others to see it?It's worthless for a big man to do such a thing!Forget it, forget it, it’s still good for nothing.In this way, Xi Liu will gradually forget me. It was He Jingfu.I was so nervous when I heard he was back at school.If he wants revenge on me, it's too easy, I'm not really free yet.I wanted to go to him and tell him that Xi Liu asked me to write the big-character poster.I was afraid that I would offend Xi Liu even more.I hid from him for a long time, but unexpectedly he came to me by himself.I've had enough, and he wants to put another stone on my back?

I was uneasy, let him sit down, and made him some tea.To hide my panic, I picked up the scissors again. He looked at me in surprise, as if he didn't understand what I was doing.After smoking a bag of dry tobacco, he asked me: "Are you cutting clothes? Children's?" "Yeah! How's it going? Are you still looking good?" I said mockingly, I thought he would get a little pleasure from my predicament, and that's good, so his resentment could be less. "I am both a father and a mother. I don't know what award I will win in the future." I added. His eyebrows were tightly locked: "Why are you doing this? Don't do it!"

"Why, men shouldn't do women's work?" I laughed deliberately. He seemed to be angry, and his face flushed: "It's not about men and women. How many issues are worth thinking about and studying now, but you spend your energy on these trivial things. Where did your previous enthusiasm go? A somersault Lost?" Ok, let's start to expose my old background.I don't take this shit! "I don't know Chai Migui because I'm not in charge of the family. Look at what Xiao Kun is wearing! I'm his father!" I wanted to knock Haha down, but when I got to this point, I couldn't come out with Haha at all.I saw Xiao Kun in the bulging clothes again, and I felt sad.

"I know. I'm going to buy clothes for Xiao Kun. I'm a bachelor, and I saved a few pension funds for myself when I was homeless. But don't do these things from now on. I beg you!" His voice So low, so sincere in his eyes, without any grudges.I put down the scissors. He stood up and rolled up the things on the table, threw them on the bed, looked at me seriously and asked, "Is this just because of lack of money?" "Of course it's not just about money. Didn't you hear the news? Comrade Xi Liu has already issued an order that I will not be allowed to write articles in the future." I said. "I just came to ask what you think," he said. It's for this!gloat.any idea?Who told you to have braids on your head?I still pretended not to understand anything: "Comrade Xi Liu is right. I made a mistake, and the influence of publishing articles is not good. This is Comrade Xi Liu's love for me." His brows were furrowed even more, and he smoked the low-quality dry tobacco one after another, choking me so much that I coughed.He pressed the socket of the cigarette bag, and blew on the fireworks a couple of times, but in fact it wouldn't go out at all, it was a habit. "You haven't learned your lesson. You've just learned to be hypocritical," he said to me, knocking off the soot. I have become hypocritical and do not speak the truth.Honest people suffer, even a three-year-old child can understand this truth.Hypocrisy is similar to maturity, and unwary people can't tell the difference.He figured it out, all right.But I don't have to admit it, and I don't have to deny it.Don't speak, let him speak! "You probably care most about whether Xi Liu will let you go?" he asked. By the way, and you, He Jingfu, will you let me go.But I didn't nod, and I didn't shake my head. "What about you? Have you let yourself go? I don't think you should worry about whether others let you go. You should catch yourself and take care of yourself," he said. "You mean Xi Liu hasn't cured me enough, right?" I couldn't help asking, showing a little dissatisfaction. "Xi Liuzheng you are too much. But you are too polite to yourself. That's why you are like this today. Haven't you thought that you should be responsible to the people and history? The past has passed, what will happen in the future?" really interesting.The words are full of dialectics.I should take care of myself, but what about Xi Liu?What about swimming in water?They didn't make mistakes because they didn't review them.It's stupid to fix yourself!Besides, what qualifications do I have to be responsible for history?Xi Liu is always on my head.Besides, what is history?I think there are only four words written in the whole history: upside down.In the past I turned others upside down, now I am turned upside down by others.I figured it out.Already "hanging upside down", do you want to fix yourself?My nerves are fine. But I didn't speak.Let him talk. "Why don't you talk? Am I wrong?" He pretended to smoke again. "Yes, yes. Unfortunately, I am responsible for history, but history is not responsible for me. History is more affectionate to Xi Liu and You Ruoshui." I said. "History is like an introverted person who does not easily reveal his true feelings. One day, you will see that it is fair." He said. "Very poetic." I said with a smile. "Poetry is truth." "The ideal truth." "There is only one step between ideal and reality." "But we Chinese are used to taking one step forward and taking two steps back." "you" He raised his pipe at me, as if he was going to hit me on the head, but he didn't.He just sighed, lowered his eyes, and said sadly: "I don't understand, why did you become like this after only a little shock? There is nothing worse than death!" My heart was moved, and I replied in a low voice: "People are afraid of being sad, and trees are afraid of peeling. So, I don't understand, how can you always be an idealist? Isn't reality enough for you? I learned from other comrades. I heard many stories of you wandering there. I can't imagine how a person can survive in that environment. I have great respect for you. But I can't understand." He stopped talking.With twinkling eyes and tight lips, he sat upright.The fire in the pipe was almost out, so he didn't take a puff. I suddenly discovered that He Jingfu is a handsome man!Look at his eyes, it's a mystery.The eyes are not large.But black and white are distinct and crystal clear.When he turns his eyes to you, you will feel that he is so frank and affectionate.You can't help but open up to him.His square face with sharp edges and corners, plated with a layer of bronze due to long-term wandering, and his tall straight nose that is slightly too big, all give people a refined and open-minded feeling.Colleagues praised me for my fine features, but compared with him, how slender and humble I would appear!Will Sun Yue discover He Jingfu's beauty? He Jingfu coughed twice, as if trying to calm down his excitement.What did he think of?I was about to ask when someone knocked on the door again.He Jingfu walked over to open the door, and Sun Yue came in carrying a schoolbag. As soon as he entered, he took out a pair of shoes from the bag, which belonged to Xiao Kun.I looked at Sun Yue, then at He Jingfu, and my face turned red.What the hell are you blushing about? I understand He Jingfu's feelings for Sun Yue.But that's all in the past.What is the relationship between them now, I don't know.In my opinion, the distance between them is farther than the distance between me and Sun Yue.Sun Yue is not so romantic anymore.Like me, she has learned from female reds.The shoes are pretty well done. Sun Yue put down her shoes and was about to leave, I didn't want to keep her.But He Jingfu stopped her: "Comrade secretary of the general branch, sit down! Listen to me, a party member who has just resumed party membership, talk about my thoughts. We should understand each other, right?" It's really interesting, the tone is mocking, but the eyes are pleading.Sun Yue sat down, and I offered a cup of tea. He Jingfu started talking and looked at Sun Yue.Sun Yue lowered her head. "Old Xu said just now that I have always been an idealist. This is not true. It is true that I joined the party when I was eighteen years old, and I had beliefs and ideals. But thinking about it afterwards, the ideals and beliefs at that time brought There is blindness. Because neither the society nor the theory has been seriously studied. Just like myopia is false, ideals and beliefs are also false, and they will change." "I am not a person with strong self-confidence. After being punished in 1957, I also suspected that I was wrong. Moreover, the people I love also thought I was wrong, so I had to think about it. I want to get to know him well. I made mistakes and corrected them, so I began to read Marxist-Leninist works seriously. Reading and living practice among the lower class people made me understand that I was not wrong. In this way, I have a little confidence and confidence. I believe that one day, the party will To correct this mistake, Xi Liu will also admit his own mistakes. It was this belief and the desire to survive that supported me and made me go through long and difficult years. But one day, my belief was shaken. I thought die……" Sun Yue raised her head to look at him, then lowered it again.He coughed twice more.He coughed when excited.He calmed himself down and told us a story of his wanderings. "Sun Yue, what's the matter with you?" He Jingfu stopped suddenly and asked Sun Yue like this. I looked at Sun Yue, she put her head on the table, her shoulders were twitching. "Uncomfortable?" I asked. Sun Yue shook her head, but without raising her face, she urged He Jingfu: "Speak up, it's by the Huaihe River..." He Jingfu didn't want to talk any more.He ended his story curtly: "In short, my conclusion is to live. Since then, I have never thought about death. Life may not be just to us. But we must be just to ourselves. Why should I put myself Compared with that contractor? Is my value to him determined by my relationship with him? I don't believe it. I think, even if I die and become dry bones, my bones contain more phosphorus than his , and the will-o'-the-wisps are brighter than his." Sun Yue raised her body, wiped her face, and left without saying a word.He Jingfu watched her back. "Do you still love her?" I couldn't help asking him. "It should be said that I haven't fallen in love with anyone else yet. Wandering and falling in love are not as closely linked as shown in literary works." "I really hope that you and Sun Yue can combine. But you are not the same as you were more than 20 years ago. Life has changed a lot, and people's feelings will also change." I said. "That's right. But to what extent our relationship has changed, we can only know after the impact of the soul. But she seems to avoid the impact." He said. "Maybe she has someone else in her heart? You know, Sun Yue is no longer the enthusiastic girl she was back then, but a woman who has gone through many vicissitudes. Look, these are the shoes she made for Xiao Kun. If she used to, she would make this?" Why do I say these words?I can't even tell myself.As I said that, I scolded myself for being mean.But I let myself finish those words anyway. He stood up.Haha smiled and said: "I'm leaving. I wanted to discuss the issue of human nature with you today, but I went elsewhere. Let's talk about it later. Think about it, is human animal instinct included in human nature?" ? Does this instinct have an impact on human social life?" It was the problem in the book he was writing.I can answer without thinking: Humans are animals, and the competition for survival of human beings is crueler than all animals, because he can make plans, compete consciously and purposefully, and cover up his low-level desires with beautiful clothes.However, I am not willing to study this kind of problem, it is dangerous! "I feel that it is not enough to explain the nature of man in terms of the 'summation of social relations'. To admit that man's natural attributes (physiological, animal) are also part of human nature and have an impact on human life is not to reduce the People, but it is precisely to improve people, and we need to consciously overcome our animal nature. Isn’t this much better than hypocrisy?” He stood at the door and turned to me. I grabbed his shoulder, pushed him out of the door, and said with a smile: "Okay, okay, human nature expert. I don't want to discuss such issues. Your foundation in classical literature is very good, do some classical literature research Can't it?" "Why, because human and humanitarian issues are off-limits?" He retreated into the door again. "It's not a restricted area. But not many people are willing to go there for a walk. There are fewer flowers and more thorns. Why should you be one of the few? Don't forget: trees are beautiful in the forest, but the wind will destroy them; piles on the shore , the flow must be turbulent; the line is higher than others, and the crowd must be wrong. It is better not to stand out!" I said. "Hey, your tail of individualism is really cut clean. But you know, it is because people like you shrink back that a few people stand out." He punched me hard and stepped out the door outside.After walking two steps, he turned back and said to me: "Tomorrow I'll go buy clothes for Xiao Kun: put away your suit!" I nodded in agreement, closed the door, and spread out the clothes on the table again.