Chapter 4 three

It delivers the future.I'm heading into the future, but I shouldn't have gone to find her, haven't I endured it for many days?You see how cold she is!It's almost time to order an eviction! Why should I go to her?Is it to talk about Zhang Yuanyuan and Xiliu with her?To argue with her, to be neglected by her? It's all because of this little yellow flower. This is the first time I have attended such a memorial service for someone I knew and loved.The deceased's wife handed me a small yellow flower.There was not a trace of tears on his dark face, but it was more unbearable than the tears.In this face, I saw loneliness, the loneliness of old age, the loneliness of losing a spouse.

I took the little yellow flower and pinned it to the skirt.Tears flowed out.A portrait of Zhang Yuanyuan hangs in the hall of the memorial service, so kind and full of vitality.I seem to still remember the scene when she touched my shoulder and wept more than 20 years ago.But now, none of this exists.All I can see and feel is this little yellow flower.It's made of paper again.It makes people feel not life, but death and loneliness. When I die, don't send such little yellow flowers to others.Leave no trace and leave no grief.However, who would think of making a little yellow flower for me?I am alone.

I have very few relatives in this world, and now there is one less.Who else understands me, cares about me, and loves me like Zhang Yuanyuan? I seldom cry like this in front of others, I really can't control myself!It seems that what I mourn is not Zhang Yuanyuan, but myself.For my past misery and today's loneliness, I cried aloud.I wish to have a hand to dry my tears and a heart to comfort my soul.I want someone to listen to me, pay attention to me, mourn me... I cherish this little yellow flower on my chest.It entrusts the mourning of the living to the dead, and shows the value and status of the dead in the hearts of the living.After the memorial service, I took it off carefully and put it in my pocket.

It was this little yellow flower that led me to Sun Yue's house.I want to talk to her about Little Yellow Flower.But I forgot.Look, this little yellow flower is still in my pocket. Even if I forget about this little yellow flower, Sun Yue, you shouldn't treat me like this!Don't you know that in this world, only you are the closest person in my heart? There was no cordial conversation between us, nor gifting to each other.But the place you occupy in my life is so important that it can never be forgotten. If I showed her this little yellow flower as soon as we met, and asked her: "Sun Yue, when I die, will you make such a little yellow flower and wear it on my chest?" One way!She would throw herself into my arms and tell me her regrets and thoughts.She would say to me: "I really love you, even though I'm so indifferent to you on the surface." However, I chose to talk to her about Zhang Yuanyuan's merits and demerits and the value of Xiliu!She must have misunderstood and thought I was taunting her.

But Sun Yue, don't you understand me that much?How could I taunt you?When I was studying in college, I loved you and pursued you; you didn't love me and rejected me.Is it just for this?How is this possible?In fact, the unsuccessful relationship with you was the first and only page in my relationship history.I have always kept this page in my heart.These few diaries have recorded my thoughts and concerns for you, and of course I also have resentment.When would you like to read these diaries of mine? I put the little yellow flower in the diary. If anyone knows or sees these diaries I wrote, they will definitely say: This is a kind of abnormal psychology.A vagabond in love with a married woman who didn't love him and who couldn't possibly know of his love.Who is he writing this for?for myself.I pour out love to myself, and I play my own lover.

Mr. Freud will be happy to use my diary to confirm his theory about the unconscious! But I don't care about that at all.Normality cannot be expressed as normality, and abnormality will naturally arise.When the natural nature is suppressed, it has to "hidden" in the depths of the soul, becoming an invisible "subconsciousness". "Subconsciousness" is not necessarily low-level. It is not necessarily impossible for the "subconscious mind" to be expressed in words to become a great work.It's a pity that I am not a celebrity. If I were a celebrity, these diaries might become "masterpieces".How many years have passed, but the Chinese still abide by the ancient motto: only celebrities can speak famous words and write famous books.Romance and depravity are often the same thing, the only difference is that it happens to different people.

Now, these diaries deserve only this reward: a small yellow flower, and it is made of paper, and the person who offers the flower is myself. Will Sun Yue tie a red ribbon on it? I am not pretty.There is not a bit of suave style that can please girls.But I never worried about my looks, because it never occurred to me to please any girl.Although my heart has been filled with love since I began to understand the meaning of the word "love", it is a love without a real object, a Don Quixote love.I often indulge in my own fantasies, shaping my Durcia in my mind.But no matter how she is shaped, she is a soul without a body.I too am content with this love.

But ever since I met Sun Yue, my heart has lost its peace. I met Sun Yue when I welcomed the new students.At that time, I was a life committee member of the student union.She and Zhao Zhenhuan came to the University Welcome Station in City C in a tricycle. Their clothes and luggage showed that they were country people.But their beautiful and healthy appearance immediately attracted my attention.Moreover, the two of them look very similar, the only difference is that Zhao Zhenhuan's face is softer, with a bit of makeup.I thought they were twin siblings! I took them on the school bus and asked, "Is this your first time in City C?"

"Of course it was the first time. I cried when I was notified. I don't want to come to this place. The vibe here is too bad." She answered me. "Who did you hear that from?" I asked amusedly. "Just read the novel!" She replied confidently. "The novels are all about C City before liberation. It's changed now." I said. "Changed? Hmph! Just now when our tricycle crossed the bridge, a few people came to help us push the cart. I think this place is really not bad. But it's shameful to ask for money as soon as we cross the bridge! The money in our pockets I’ll give it all to them. You can only be fooled once, and next time you meet again, I’m still polite!” She spoke with anger, and at the end, she waved her fist in front of me, as if I was the person pushing the cart .

I treated her like a little girl and teased her: "Then why do you apply for the university here? Go to Beijing!" She blushed, Woo.After a bit of mud, he pointed to Zhao Zhenhuan and said, "He told me to come, and I listened to him. How I want to go to Beijing! If I go to Beijing, I will visit the Great Wall once a week!" When I looked at Zhao Zhenhuan, he just looked at her with a smile and listened to her talk.He smiled happily. When I arranged beds for them, I knew that none of them had mosquito nets.It was getting late and the school tent could not be borrowed, so I arranged Zhao Zhenhuan on the bed of a classmate who was going home on vacation, and gave Sun Yue my tent.

"Whose tent does it belong to? Don't it belong to you? I don't want it!" she said. "Let me be bitten by mosquitoes all night. My blood is bitter. They can't take advantage of me!" I told her that the tent was not mine, but belonged to a classmate who hadn't returned to school yet.She just accepted it.She didn't thank me, just smiled at me, a natural and kind smile.That night, I was bitten by mosquitoes and couldn't sleep, "My blood is also bitter, Sun Yue, and mosquitoes can't take advantage of me." I thought so.Strange, recalling Sun Yue's words and deeds, why is my heart so happy?Since then, I have been paying attention to Sun Yue. I often meet her in the reading room of the Chinese Department.She loves reading foreign literature the most.The speed and concentration with which she reads have attracted my interest.The most interesting thing is that she often wipes tears while reading.She was reading in those few days, and the reading room was very crowded. She just stood in front of the bookcase and read, crying while reading, as if there was no one else around.Once, I made fun of her and said: "Sun Yue, don't drip tears on the book, what if you break the book?" She turned her head, wiped her tears with the back of her hand, and ignored me. In less than one semester, Sun Yue has shown her talents in many aspects: she has excellent academic performance and keeps publishing essays and poems in the school magazine.The activists at the weekend dance, except Zhao Zhenhuan, do not accept invitations from others.School gymnastics team member.Department of drama troupe.Male students of all grades pay attention to her, and there are often male students singing at the door of her dormitory. I decided to sign up for the department repertory troupe.I said to the director: "Accept me, we need all kinds of people on stage as in life. There is my place in life, so shouldn't there be a place for me on stage?" If the eldest brother in the grade appreciates me, he accepts me.Just to commemorate "December 9" and rehearse "Put Down Your Whip".The little girl performing arts was assigned to Sun Yue.I asked to play the little girl's father.The director actually agreed, saying that my temperament is similar to the character. Fortunately, the director was satisfied with my rehearsal results.Who knew something went wrong on the day of the performance: Sun Yuehua pretended to stand in front of me, and my heart was in a mess.Once on stage, I even forgot the words.Fortunately, there are prompts.I barely played more than half of it, and I really look forward to the end soon.This scene was played out: the little girl said to everyone: "Don't blame Dad, he is hungry!" After speaking, she threw herself on Dad, called "Daddy!" and cried bitterly.She was crying with all her heart, not at all like she was acting.My body and mind trembled.I forgot I was acting.I pulled her head away from my shoulders with trembling hands, held her head, looked at it, and called out in a low voice: "Sun Yue!" My expression must have been scary at that time, Sun Yue froze and opened her mouth wide , I can't call "Dad" anymore. Can't remember how it ended.The director scolded us before we took off our clothes: "What are you doing on stage? Are you talking about love?" Sun Yue turned around and ran away, not forgetting to turn her head and give me a hard look.But I am very happy!I played myself!I found my dulcia! I started writing to Sun Yue.One a day.But there was no reply.Every time I meet her, she gives me a hard look.She seems to hate me.However I don't understand why she hates me.I decided to date her and ask.I wrote an unsigned letter and the handwriting was changed.There was only one sentence in the letter: "I have something important to tell you. Please meet me at the gate of the park in City C at 7:00 on Saturday night." When she came, she stared when she saw her: "Don't you know that I have a boyfriend?" "I heard. But I love you." "Is it ethical for you to do this?" "I... haven't thought about it." Actually, I thought about it.I don't think there's anything immoral about my doing so.My love for her is pure.I want to let her know my love.I didn't hurt Zhao Zhenhuan, and Zhao Zhenhuan didn't hurt me. "Then you should think about it carefully! If you write a letter in the future, it will be returned unopened." She flicked her braid and ran away.I chased after him: "I'll take you back!" She said without looking back, "I'm accompanied!" Sure enough, Zhao Zhenhuan walked out not far away, and she took his arm and left. I was so sad that I never wrote again.I respect her choice and envy Zhao Zhenhuan.But I couldn't give up my love, so I poured it out in my diary.I would confide in my diary to her every day, until 1957, when these diaries were discovered. How does she view the period of history in 1957 now?Maybe, she will think that she is sorry for me, so I hate her.How could such a thing happen?No matter how stupid I am, I will never lay the weight of history on an innocent girl. In the spring of 1957, I posted a big-character poster: "I hope that Comrade Xi Liu will be more humane", criticizing Xi Liu's incorrect handling of the overseas Chinese student Xiao Xie's request to visit relatives.Just when the sounding started, Xiao Xie's mother fell ill and asked Xiao Xie to go abroad to see her.Xi Liu refused to allow Xiao Xie to go abroad on the grounds that Mingfang is an overriding political task, and warned Xiao Xie to draw a clear line with her bourgeois mother.Xiao Xie was not thinking clearly, and published the conversation between Xi Liu and him in the form of a big-character poster, which caused a shock among his classmates.I sympathized with Xiao Xie, so I wrote this big-character poster, criticizing Xi Liu for classifying Xiao Xie's mother as an enemy and disregarding his normal feelings.I said, even to the enemy, when they do not continue to endanger the revolution, the humanism of the revolution should be practiced, let alone an ordinary working woman?I asked Xi Liu to correct his mistake immediately, and approved Xiao Xie to go abroad to visit his mother. My big-character posters aroused great repercussions among teachers and classmates.More than a thousand people actually signed the big-character poster.I checked every name carefully, and found her in an inconspicuous place - Sun Yue!Zhao Zhenhuan was not found.I was intoxicated, as if I felt that compared with Zhao Zhenhuan, my heart was closer to her. If Xu Hengzhong's big-character poster "Debating with He Jingfu" hadn't reversed the situation in the school and made me "the target of public criticism", I don't know how long I would have been intoxicated. The big-character posters that debated with me came all over the place.I simply don't have time to look carefully one by one.Only two left an impression: the one of Xu Hengzhong, because his feelings were so strong, he said that my big-character posters were all rumors and slanders, he was so angry that he couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and got up in the middle of the night one day cry bitterly.There is another one from Sun Yue.Instead of arguing with me, she reviewed herself and signed my poster, losing her position.I guess she was criticized by the organization. I was criticized as a "rightist".The crime is to use bourgeois human nature theory to oppose the party's class line, use revisionist humanism to cancel class struggle, and use rumors to slander and attack the party's leadership.I don't admit to spreading rumors.As a result, the crime was compounded.My diary was confiscated. A day never to be forgotten!My diary was excerpted and published under the title "Look, He Jingfu's ugly soul and rascal nature!" ".Sun Yue's name was replaced by XX.But everyone could tell that it was Sun Yue.In a diary entry, I described in detail how I felt when I performed "Drop Your Whip".I wrote: "At this moment, how I want to kiss your slender eyes! Talking eyes!" The excerpter of the diary marked the wavy line with a red pen under these two sentences, and commented on the side. The words "how thick-skinned" were added. Beauty becomes ugly.Love becomes profanity.I was shocked and fell silent.I just want to do one thing: confess to Sun Yue.Every day, I look for opportunities to meet with her alone.I finally got it.One night, she wandered alone in a remote corner of the campus, and I followed.She didn't avoid me, but she didn't look at me either. "I'm so sorry, Sun Yue! You won't misunderstand my heart, right? I just want to comfort myself, and don't want to insult you. If I make you feel humiliated, please forgive me." My voice trembled violently, she Turning his face away, weeping. "I hate you, and I hate myself!" she whispered, her voice trembling too.Suddenly, a kiss was lightly imprinted on my forehead.I was stunned by this sudden happiness.When I woke up, she was gone without a trace. Is it sympathy or love?Is it a generous charity or an outpouring of emotion?I have thought about this question thousands of times, but never had the chance to ask her.However, no matter what the answer is, what she left me is a kind and beautiful heart.I love her even more.Of course, I will never pursue her again. In 1962, the school informed me to go back to school.I was used to rural life, and secretly studied philosophy.I want to find out how Marxists should treat people and their feelings.I don't want to go back to school.But I still wrote a letter to Sun Yue, I don't know if she is still in school, I want to inquire about her whereabouts and understand her current situation.I received a letter from Zhao Zhenhuan telling me that they are married.I wrote a letter to bless them, my sincere wishes. The little hope lurking in my heart was shattered.At this time, my parents had died in the famine, and my only sister was married.I suddenly felt absolutely alone and decided to go far away.I left a note for my sister and left.Where to go, even I do not know.I wandered around and finished my long social college.Accompanying me are two sets of books: and "Selected Works of Marx and Engels". I became a "black" and completely disconnected from normal social life.No household registration, no oil and grain relationship; no relatives to visit, no correspondence.No one cares who I am, and no one wants to ask me "why I came here for what I saw and left with what I saw".People only know that there are "Old He who burns charcoal", "Old He who builds a house", "Old He who carries stones", "Old He who lights dynamite", "Old He who pulls carts", and "Old He who builds a storyteller". Lao He".I put in my labor and exchange a bowl of rice.that is it. My mental world was almost completely frozen.I think of Sun Yue less and less frequently.I thought I had forgotten her.But that time, when I was hired to fire a bomb for a quarryman and my life was in danger, her shadow appeared vividly before my eyes.I suddenly had a terrible idea: "From now on, I will never see Sun Yue again!" The strange thing is that this terrible idea gave me amazing courage and wit, and I escaped the danger of being killed by the bombing. I can't even tell myself how I escaped.This makes me know that the love in my heart is not dead.How happy I am!As long as a person can still love, he has the hope and courage to live!So, I started keeping a diary again, writing letters to Sun Yue in the diary, and talking to Sun Yue.In the diary, I shaped Sun Yue and myself.I wrote Sun Yue as a goddess.I turned all good qualities and wishes into her flesh and blood and soul.I don't know whether I'm pouring out the love of a woman or of life as a whole.But I know that it is this kind of love that enables me to see my own shadow, to realize that I am still a human being, and to demand that I live like a human being. "Sun Yue, what kind of faction are you? Conservative or rebel? I want you to be an independent thinker. Those who should be criticized should be criticized firmly; those who should be defended should be defended firmly. You are already in your thirties, you should learn to think independently What we carry on our shoulders is the head, not the tumor. What is the use of the head? Thinking, analysis, and judgment. I especially hope that you have a correct understanding of Xi Liu. I think he is far from the standard of a Communist Party member. In 1957, I helped him sincerely, but he didn't listen. Now, I hope you help him. Do you agree with me?" This is the "letter" I wrote to Sun Yue at the end of 1966, in my diary. What significance does the "Cultural Revolution" have for me, a person who "jumped out of the Three Realms and is not in the Five Elements"?I rarely even read newspapers.But I care about Sun Yue's attitude and fate. "C City University's Cultural Revolution is like fire like tea, Xi Liu, a capitalist roader, is finally caught out".This was the headline of a story I came across in a newspaper.The news reported in detail the struggle between the C City University rebels and the "Baoxi faction". One of the core members of the "Baoxi faction" is "Sun X".Is it Sun Yue?I am restless.Sun Yue, Sun Yue, does your name always have to be revealed half-brightly? I cut this news, resigned from the transportation task I just contracted, and came to C City. No one at C City University has the time to recognize me. I am dressed like a northern farmer. A meeting to criticize Xiliu was being held in the auditorium, and I squeezed in. "Xi Liu's concubine Sun Yue" - a wooden sign with such words first came into my sight, and I almost suffocated. Her braids had been cut off, her hair was disheveled, and her complexion was sallow.The heavy sign bent her waist. "Sun Yue! Tell me, how did Xi Liu instruct you to suppress the revolutionary masses?" The chairman of the meeting asked sharply. "Comrade Xi Liu didn't instruct me. I don't know anything." She replied.The voice is low, but the tone is firm. "Down with Sun Yue, the hardcore royalist! Down with Xi Liu's concubine, Sun Yue!" "Sun Yue's position has always been reactionary. As early as the anti-rightist period, she hooked up with the extreme rightist He Jingfu and had a romantic relationship. You must know that she was already Zhao Zhenhuan's fiancée at that time. Everyone said, is Sun Yue a rightist who slipped through the net , Reactionary broken shoes?" "Yes! Xi Liu is also a rightist who slipped through the net! Xi Liu's anti-rightist feats are forged!" "Down-!" It turns out that I have not been forgotten.Within the Three Realms and among the Five Elements, I can still be considered a "character": a tool of class struggle.Arbitrarily cutting and distorting history, coupled with low-level and obscene gimmicks, what kind of drama is this doing?It's not really crying, and it's not laughing. I can no longer see Sun Yue's shape clearly, let alone her soul.Did she ascend to heaven, or descend to hell?Should I keep my love for her, or give her pity or loathing?I am confused myself. It feels solid.It feels unreliable again.Sometimes people don't even know what they feel.History and reality, theory and practice, superstition and science, hypocrisy and truth, you and me, human and animal, are all poured into one crucible.Stir desperately again.Add seasoning.Pour in paint.Then pick up a spoonful and ask you to taste it, can you tell the ups and downs?However, you can say that the color and fragrance are delicious. I wanted to talk to Sun Yue.What can we talk about?It is nothing more than suggesting that she "jump out of the circle" to take a look and think about it calmly, and don't give up her mind.But she is "isolated", which is much more "progressive" than when Xi Liu fought against us.I can only go back to my life.Pull my car, read my book, research my problems. My diary no longer mentions Sun Yue.To create gods, there must also be an environment and conditions for creating gods.I lost such an environment and conditions.In order not to split my heart, I treasured her and everything in the past.I treasure history in order to deliver it to the future. I don't know what the future will look like and when it will come. "Comrade He Jingfu, the organization has conducted a review of your case, and believes that the treatment of you in 1957 was wrong, so it has decided to screen and rehabilitate you and arrange work for you." The Chinese Department of C City University tried every means to find out my whereabouts and summoned me back.Sun Yue talked to me on behalf of the general branch of the department. Her temples have turned gray. I didn't say thank you.What is there to be thankful for in restoring history to its true colors?And if there is gratitude, there will be liquidation. Who should I liquidate with? "You have suffered a lot these years." She said with concern.Like a leader's tone. "No. I'm alive and well. What about you?" I said coldly.I don't like her attitude. "Thanks! I'm fine too. What would you like to do?" "Go to the reference room. I'm writing a book and need materials and time." "What book are you writing?" "Marxism and Humanism." "what?" "What, is it a restricted area? It's an old topic that has been used many times by the bourgeoisie and revisionism, isn't it?" "I don't understand. You've finished. I wish you success." Unexpectedly, our first private conversation turned out to be like this.The tone on both sides was cold and challenging.any idea?One catastrophe after another has shattered the relationship between people and people's hearts.Everyone needs to rediscover themselves, others and everything. After I basically understood what happened to Sun Yue, I realized that the Sun Yue I loved no longer existed.A strange Sun Yue stood in front of me.Will I also love this Sun Yue?I have no idea.However, I have a new hope.I think, if Sun Yue is still the same, I will feel even more strange! I feel like I'm moving into the future. However, she always put on a businesslike face with me.To others, she is very easy-going.She never invites me to her house.I live in the single dormitory for teaching staff, and she comes here to visit other teachers and never looks into my room.When they met head-on, they just nodded.Today, it is like this again. I am far from the future.Should I run forward, or wait slowly?I have no idea.What I pursue is no longer a goddess, but a realistic person.Man is always more incomprehensible than God.Because God is man-made.