Chapter 3 two

Comrade Xi Liu, secretary of the party committee, asked me to go to his home once.I'm so afraid to go.Whenever I saw his wife, Chen Yuli, I would think of that period of humiliation and pain. Chen Yuli is at home.Her person is as slim as her name.Although he is fifty years old, there are not many wrinkles on Yuanbai's face.The speaking voice is not old either.I suppressed my unhappiness and said hello to them.Chen Yuli immediately served tea, and I didn't even want to touch it. Xi Liu took out a magazine and handed it to me, asking me to read it.I opened the catalog, and there was an article by Xu Hengzhong, a teacher in my department: "On the Literary and Artistic Line of the Gang of Four".There is also an article by You Ruoshui, director of the school's party committee office: "The Survival After the Catastrophe".I heard about Xu Hengzhong's article, but I didn't read it.I don't want to watch it now.I am very interested in You Ruoshui's article, but I don't know what he is writing about.It can't be said that he himself is "surviving after the catastrophe", right?I'll take a look.

"Do you know about Xu Hengzhong's published article?" Xi Liu asked. "He told me." I replied. "So it was agreed by you?" Xi Liu was not happy. "The general branch has not been studied. Is it necessary?" I'm still reading You Ruoshui's article, it's really interesting. "The hundred-acre garden is full of bitterness, and the peach blossoms are all gone. Where are the Taoist priests? Liu Lang, who once lived in the past, is here again." He used Liu Yuxi's "Revisiting Xuandu View" to describe that he was smashing the "Gang of Four" "The mood in the future is really painstaking.After being demoted for 14 years, Liu Yuxi revisited the old place and took advantage of the topic to show his determination and courage not to be afraid of political pressure, and expressed his indignation and contempt for the persecution he suffered in the past.And what does You Ruoshui want to show?Does it mean that he is also a Liu Yuxi?

"How did you become the secretary of the general branch of your department? You can't handle this well." After hearing Xi Liu's words, I had to let go of You Ruoshui's article and look at Xi Liu.When he was angry, his face seemed longer and stiffer.I do not speak. "Is Xu Hengzhong qualified to criticize the 'Gang of Four'? He himself is the minion of the 'Gang of Four', 'Gang of Four'!" Xi Liu said bitterly. I immediately remembered a scene from that year: Xi Liu, who was so thin that he was about to collapse, was standing on the stage and fighting, and the one who was speaking was Xu Hengzhong, a rebel teacher in the department.Both Chen Yuli and I hung up signs saying "Xi Liu's concubine" to accompany the fight, and Xi Liu's sickly wife stood next to us.However, at this meeting, You Ruoshui "countered a blow" and became the first veteran cadre of the school to stand up and rebel. He was the deputy secretary of the school's party committee and the general branch secretary of the Chinese Department.After that, he was "integrated" into the Revolutionary Committee of the Chinese Department as the deputy director, and he continued to "strike back".

"He fought us so hard back then! Our family was ruined. He had deep-seated hatred for veteran cadres. I heard he came from a landlord family?" Chen Yuli interjected. Her voice is too crisp.It was so crisp that one suspected it was coming from her throat.She was not like this when she was fighting, she often trembled with fright and couldn't speak.It was at the criticism meeting that she collapsed on the ground in fright—a bomb exploded: Xu Hengzhong read Xi Liu's love letter to her in public!You must know that her husband and son are all sitting in the audience. They have always supported her and believe that she has been wronged greatly.

What love letters are these! "I would like to be like a dog..." Ah!I can't stand it!My head is going to explode!I felt as if I had also been turned into a dog by Xi Liu, completely dehumanized.If Xi Liu hadn't admitted in public that he wrote the letter, I would definitely think it was a rumor and fabrication.In my impression, Xi Liu is a hard-working, simple and noble elder.He has a serious face, and his walking posture is upright without any bending.He has criticized me more than once: "Xiao Sun, you must reform your world outlook. You are too deeply influenced by the bourgeois literature of the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, and you are full of petty bourgeois sentiments. This is dangerous in class struggle!" It is in his teachings Next, I made a deep self-criticism of all kinds of bourgeois thoughts in my mind.I appeared at the student meeting of the whole department and explained the poison of foreign literature in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries: I was not firm in the class struggle because I was influenced by humanitarianism and the theory of human nature; I almost fell in love with a rightist.After listening to my self-criticism, Xi Liu praised me and said: "Sun Yue was originally like a boy, brave and optimistic. But after reading bourgeois novels, he became emotionally fragile. You checked well today! I believe She will become a strong proletarian fighter in the future." I burst into tears, what a leader!And yet he wrote such a letter!Which class sentiment is this?Just after that critique meeting, I wrote a letter to Zhao Zhenhuan, telling him that I would no longer protect Xiliu.Originally, I was not afraid of the "Xi Liu Mistress" sign hanging in front of me. I believed that one day, the wind and rain in the world and the sky would wash away the sewage all over my body.But since that day, I have completely lost confidence, there is oil in the sewage.

After this criticism session, Chen Yuli's husband divorced her.Xi Liu's wife passed away.It's really broken!But-- "Is Xu Hengzhong responsible for everything?" I blurted out and said this sentence. How ugly Xi Liu's face became!His two eyeballs were already very protruding, but now they almost pop out!He said literally: "You have forgotten all the history! But we must never forget that period of history. Forget it, and we will lose everything again!" I couldn't help arguing: "I haven't forgotten, and I won't forget. But I don't agree with your attitude towards history. You are unfair. You Ruoshui had much more power than Xu Hengzhong in the past few years, and his role was much worse. The masses have great opinions on him. Why did you not even let him do the inspection, but transferred him to be the director of the party committee office? Is it because he is a veteran cadre? And you also only remember the history that is beneficial to you , but to erase and falsify the history that is not good for you. Comrade Xi Liu, you also ruined other people's families! At that time, your power was much greater than Xu Hengzhong!"

I said so many words in one breath, which surprised even myself. "What do you mean?" Xi Liu asked sternly.Chen Yuli repeated it. Immediately images of several people flashed in my mind.One is my classmate Xiao Xie, a returned overseas Chinese.Because his mother opened a small shop abroad, Xi Liu would not let him go abroad to visit relatives.When the sound was released, he raised his opinion to Xi Liu, and he was beaten as a faction.He went to the labor camp for many years and dared not tell his mother the truth of the matter.Now that he has been rehabilitated, he has revealed all this to his mother.But the elderly mother couldn't stand such a stimulus and went crazy.He is still living in a foreign hospital.When I sent him abroad to visit relatives, he was sobbing!And He Jingfu, just to complain about this classmate, became a rightist and was expelled from school.Thinking of these, even I feel guilty, why is Xi Liu indifferent?However, I don't want to say anything to Xi Liu.I just want to get out of here quickly.I asked Xi Liu, "Is there anything else?"

"You must check it well in the future. Tell Xu Hengzhong that when he publishes an article in the future, he will report to the general branch. You can also tell the newspaper editorial department not to publish his article for the time being." He said. "This is not in line with the party's policy and the country's constitution," I said. "Your thinking has changed too much. Why is that? You should think about it. You have failed our hopes for you. As soon as I resume work, I will transfer you back from middle school and put you in charge of a department. Unexpectedly... ..." Xi Liu looked very distressed and couldn't continue.

But Chen Yuli interrupted again: "Xiao Sun, we are friends in need. Let me remind you, someone is gossiping about you! You and Xu Hengzhong should keep a certain distance, his wife just died not long ago..." "Yuli!" Xi Liu sternly stopped her. I get up and go.It's not close to get off work yet, but I don't want to go back to the department, I want to go home.Walking into the door of the staff dormitory, he ran into Xu Hengzhong.What a coincidence.He carried a bunch of broken shoes in his hand, adults' and children's. "Come back early today!" He greeted me first.

"Going out?" I reluctantly stood up and answered. "The shoes are all torn, and I have no money to buy them, so I have to mend them." He waved the shoes towards me, and a smile appeared on his thin and delicate face, which seemed to be a wry smile or a mockery. My heart ached a bit.Both he and his dead wife were classmates of mine, and we studied together for five years, and later colleagues.When his wife was dying, she asked him to find me at home.She begged me to forgive him for what he had done to me during the Cultural Revolution, for her and their son Xiao Kun's sake.I agreed and promised to take care of Xiao Kun as much as possible.At this moment, I seemed to hear her earnest words again: "Forget all the grievances and grievances in the past, Sun Yue!" I gathered myself together, and said to Xu Hengzhong who was standing waiting for my reply: "I am giving Xiao Kun Making shoes. It’s ready.” I saw his eyes flicker for a moment, and then went out again immediately.Chen Yuli's "reminder" sounded in my ears again, and I immediately left Xu Hengzhong and walked home quickly.

I take out the soles.It's been two months, and there's still half of it left.Little Xu Kun's toes are already exposed.Sixty yuan for the father and son should be able to live, but Xu Hengzhong has just died, and Xu Hengzhong still has to pay for his father-in-law. "Hiss————" the sound of the string passing through the sole of the shoe is monotonous and rhythmic, as if a finger is plucking the same string gently and without change, stirring up a kind of emptiness in people's hearts And irritable mood. Sewage, sewage, wherever you go, you will encounter sewage.Especially women.And especially a woman like me. "Yo!" I yelled, and the needle went into my finger.It's deep.The needle hole started to turn white, then turned purple, and then oozes blood.Small, red drops of blood condensed on the fingertips.Every part of the human body has blood and nerves, and it bleeds and hurts when it is injured.The old wound healed, but when a new wound is received, it still bleeds and hurts.Endless blood flow, endless pain, until death. I put my finger in my mouth and suck it so no one can see it.Some people are bloodthirsty, and they love to take the blood from other people's wounds for "scientific experiments", studying how to turn human blood into sewage and pour it on the ground... I shouldn't have come back to C City University.Wouldn't it be great to teach in middle school?But I still came back.I fully thought that after the lessons of those years, Xiliu would change.Unexpectedly, there are only three words left for him in history: "In the past, I made meritorious deeds. Ten years ago, I suffered. Now I have the right." Yes, he didn't say that, but his words and deeds showed that he thought so.If I was once disappointed with him after that criticism meeting, then today's disappointment is even greater and deeper.His original strengths: wise, capable, and deeply rooted in the masses, etc., also left him together.At that time, he was still concerned about the lives of teachers and students. Who wouldn't say that the school cafeteria was well run?But now, he only cares about his own position.Xi Liu's position was restored, but Xi Liu was only half restored, the low-level, annoying half. I really want to go back to middle school, to the innocent kids. "Hiss————" This monotonous voice pulled my mind.The needle broke and I dropped the sole. I was not such a sentimental person.I have indeed changed.Whether this change is good or bad, a blessing or a curse, I never thought about it.What's the use of thinking?Is it possible for a person who has changed to change back?Impossible.But, can I still be the secretary of the general party branch in this state? "Sun Yue! Sun Yue!" As soon as he heard the voice, he knew it was Li Yining.Like a spring breeze, Li Yining brought life to my room.She has a perpetual childlike smile on her chubby face.A smile reveals two lovely dimples.I am already forty years old, and I still like to wear brightly colored clothes. Today I am wearing a thread-colored woolen coat.But you never find her tacky. As soon as Yining entered the door, he put his arms around my shoulders and laughed: "Guess, guess, what am I doing here today?" I don't guess.She walked over and closed the door and asked, "What about regret?" "Maybe I went to play with my classmates! She is afraid that the house will be deserted, so she always doesn't come back until it's time for dinner." I said. "Changing your life, the child is too pitiful." Yining said, her eyes were also red.Really like a child. "That's what I'm here for today!" Look!She was immediately happy again. I smiled at her. She didn't care about me, and introduced the object to me: a well-known writer in a certain place, fifty-eight years old, never married, now old, looking for a partner in college.It doesn't matter if you are in the two places, as long as you get married, you can transfer.After speaking, she looked at me with a pair of beautiful almond eyes. "Oh! A writer needs to recruit a housewife. The scope of recruitment: single female university teachers across the country. Salary: You can transfer jobs at will. You want me to apply enthusiastically, don't you?" I said jokingly.But I know, I don't want to joke now, I just feel uncomfortable. Yining's eyeballs became rounder: "As soon as something comes into your mouth, the taste changes. Once you say something good, it's worthless." I was afraid that she would get angry, so I said to her seriously: "It's not that you don't know, I never accept introductions from others. I think that would be like turning myself into a commodity for people to choose." "Is it up to you to choose someone else?" Yining said. "No. I don't want to be a buyer either. In love, there should only be mutual attraction, and there should be no buying or selling." I replied. "The kind of love you're talking about doesn't exist in real life. I bet ninety-five out of a hundred couples are just okay." Yining said. "Yes. And make do is considered reasonable and happy. However, ideal love still exists. Don't you still have five percent left?" I replied. "Then tell me about your ideal! Tell me, where is the person you love, even if it reaches the end of the sky, I will find him. As long as you can be happy..." Yining's eye circles were red again.This kind of character of hers is not commensurate with her profession - middle school political teacher.After I was "liberated", I didn't want to stay in C City University, so I was assigned to be a Chinese teacher in a school in Yining.We quickly became friends.At that time, I was very depressed and often shut up at home alone.She always finds a way to pull me out.She did give me a lot of comfort.But, anyway, I couldn't possibly be as happy as she was.I think it's because she has a peaceful and happy little family.But she disagreed.She said: "It's because I can live a life without wind and waves, without color and fragrance, and never have unrealistic fantasies. Do you think my heart is stone? I also know that the sun is scorching, Ice and snow freeze people, flowers are beautiful, and birds can fly. But I can minimize my sensitivity to all these feelings.” I said, “No matter how low you are, you, a political teacher, still can’t feel it. Is the political storm changing?" She smiled: "I read political textbooks like "Knitting Method" and "Popular Cookbook". They are all reference books. So I can not be emotional. You are so stupid !" I admit that I am too stupid.I like her and envy her, but I just can't learn from her. "Why, you don't want to tell me what's on your mind?" She urged me with a smile. Do you want to tell her frankly what you think?No, I don't want to say it.I believe Yining will not make fun of me.But she speaks fast, if it gets out, there is no guarantee that it will not be exchanged for another basin of sewage.These years of experience have taught me that the best feelings are better kept in my heart.What is reversed cannot be reversed immediately.What is confused cannot be clearly understood immediately.Besides, I am really not sure whether I can articulate my ideals clearly.Over the years, I feel like a feather floating here and there, looking for an attachment, but I can't find it.I am looking forward to the day when a powerful big hand grabs me suddenly and orders me: "Your position is right here, don't float around anymore." In a dream, I have met this big hand before, but , how unreal and vague that is— I came to a strange place inexplicably.The fields are desolate and the roads are muddy, but they are crowded with all kinds of people, waiting to cross the border.That level can only be felt but not seen.I was alone, not in a gang, so I was always pushed and pushed around, and I didn't know what to do.There was a sound of horseshoes approaching from a distance, and a big man on a horse passed by.I was drowned in smoke and dust.Suddenly someone called the big man: "XXX, Sun Yue is here!" This shout immediately calmed down my emotions and gave me a sense of security.Only then did I understand: He is here waiting for my company, and I have come to join him.But who is he? I really didn't hear the three words "XXX" clearly!When I woke up, I thought about it for a long time, and the more I thought about it, the more unreal I felt.In fact, even I can't figure out what I'm hoping for, what I'm waiting for. What's the point of saying this to Yi Ning?She will suspect that I am crazy.So, after hesitating for a long time, I shook my head and said to her, "I never thought about it." A shadow passed over Yining's face.She sighed: "You always think that I am a shallow person who can't understand you. In fact, I completely understand. What you need is a spiritual support, a strong friend. You hope he can support you, pull Walking you through all the mud. You hope to give full play to your long-term distorted and suppressed nature. I know you know how to love, and you can sacrifice yourself for this kind of love. However, in reality, there is no one worthwhile. The person you sacrificed for. Sun Yue, sometimes I really want to cry for you!" I hugged Yining.My good friend! "Then let me wait! It's better to wait than to be disappointed," I begged her. She sighed heavily: "Waiting is synonymous with disappointment. Waiting forever is tantamount to despair." We all stopped talking.Want to change a topic.After a long silence, she picked up the sole of my shoe: "I think you are just worrying about it, if you don't do it well, people will gossip, why bother!" "Gossip has come." I took the sole from her hand, trying to drive away the unhappiness with a "hiss-hiss".After a pause, I couldn't help but say to her: "Why do I want to care about these things. But his lover is my classmate. He died and asked me to take care of the child. Can I ignore it? Besides, I have also experienced those years: being regarded as politically untouchable People. Relatives and friends do not come to the door, and acquaintances meet and ignore. I feel so sad! I will never treat others like this again. Some people say that this is unclear. Yining, you are in philosophy, you say that people and people What kind of boundary should be drawn? Do we have to show our revolutionary nature by clearly distinguishing ourselves from comrades who have made mistakes? Aren’t we going to liberate all mankind? Also, Xu Hengzhong’s mistakes are similar to those of You Ruoshui. What is it? Why can one person continue to be an official, but one person is not even given the right to publish articles? Is this fair?" "What's so strange about this? It's always been like this! Only you love to complain about it. I don't have the heart to care about these things! But, from what you said just now, you seem to have a little affection for Xu Hengzhong, is it possible?" Speaking of this, she His eyebrows were raised mischievously twice. I raised the sole of my shoe and knocked on her fat face: "You are not allowed to tell me these strange thoughts again. You just sold that writer to me, and now you want to sell Xu Hengzhong again. If you can have love for Xu Hengzhong, Do you still need me to troublesome things?" She smiled innocently. "You should know that I have no other intentions. I just want you to forget all the misfortunes and pains of the past and start a new life." Yining said sincerely. "But for me, history has no past. History and reality share a belly, and no one can separate them. This belly even engulfs my future. Yi Ning, I really can't explain it! I'm so tired gone." After dinner, I had a splitting headache and went to bed early.Just about to fall asleep, regret shook me awake: "An uncle came to see you. He has never been here before." I had to get dressed again. He never expected that it was He Jingfu who came.I have never had a personal enemy in half my life.But I think He Jingfu has a thousand or ten thousand reasons to hate me and despise me.I said to Regret: "Go to the classmate's house to watch TV!" Regret left.He Jingfu's eyes were red, as if he had just cried.will he crywhere is he from?What happened? He stared at Regret's back, and sighed: "The child is so big!" Then, he stretched out his hand to me: "Didn't expect it?" I honestly admitted: "I didn't expect that." "In fact, I want to come every day, but I can't come every day. I can't help it today. Comrade Zhang Yuanyuan passed away! I just attended her memorial service." He said, pulling a stool and sitting down.He took out the dry pipe.The first time I saw him smoking a dry pipe, I felt so awkward!He seemed to use this dry pipe to remind me: "We are different people now. You were the one who pushed me on that long and painful road." I habitually took out an ashtray and gave it to him.He pushed it away. He looked sad.This is because of Zhang Yuanyuan's death.I understand. Zhang Yuanyuan was the general branch secretary of the Chinese Department when we were in college, and was transferred to a middle school because he "covered" "rightist students".You Ruoshui took her place.Among the "rightist students" sheltered by Zhang Yuanyuan, He Jingfu was the most prominent one.Xi Liu named He Jingfu as a rightist, but Zhang Yuanyuan disagreed anyway.Her reason was simple: "I mobilized them to release, and now I am labeling them as rightists. Isn't this intentional to frame them? Besides, they are all children." Xi Liu disclosed his relationship with Zhang Yuanyuan in the party. The disagreement sparked a debate.The result of the debate was naturally that Zhang Yuanyuan failed.She has been described as a "brooding hen": hatching the right, protecting the right.She received a serious warning from the party, and was then transferred to the attached middle school as the vice principal.Retired due to illness a few years ago.Zhang Yuanyuan treats He Jingfu no less than a mother treats her son.It is said that when He Jingfu was sent back to his hometown, Zhang Yuanyuan went to see him off.He Jingfu fell on Zhang Yuanyuan's shoulder and wept bitterly.But he didn't shed tears during the fight. I want to comfort He Jingfu, but how can I comfort him, and how can I be worthy of comforting him?I am silent. "Do you think that I am particularly saddened by Comrade Zhang Yuanyuan's death just because she loved me?" he asked me. Did I betray an iota of such meaning?But I don't want to argue. "No, I feel sorry for our party. What a good cadre! Her value is many times higher than that of Xi Liu. Unfortunately, not everyone sees it that way. So, Xi Liu was reinstated, but she couldn't. This is really No one has commented on the merits and crimes of thousands of years." Why did you come to me to compare the value of Xiliu and Zhang Yuanyuan?Is it because I am a "Baoxi faction"?I bit the bullet and said to him: "Xi Liu has the value of Xi Liu." He knocked the pipe on the sole of his shoe, and the ashes spilled on the floor.I frowned, he realized, and went to find the broom.I took a broom and swept the dust away.He smiled apologetically, and went on: "Yes, Xi Liu used to be a very valuable person. He was very brave in the war. In the 1950s and 1960s, he was also a competent cadre, although he still has a dirty side and a hypocritical side. But now, his value is only to let people see how a Communist Party member can degenerate into a vulgar person, a person with rigid thinking, and a narrow-minded person." "He has suffered so much, you can't deny it, right?" I argued, not for Xi Liu, but for myself. "Suffering is not the standard to measure a person's value. Suffering can improve a person or degrade a person." He paused, looked at me with a strange look, and then asked: "Do you still believe in Xi Jinping today as before? flow?" This is clearly exposing my scars, although his eyes are full of confusion and anxiety.My face is hot.I answered him loudly: "That's right. If Xi Liu should go to hell, I will go to hell with him too. Do you want to sing an allegro to me: 'Bump the bamboo board like this, and sing a Baoxi tune'?" He was stunned and didn't speak for a long time. He didn't know that in those few years, people sang to me like this almost every day, saying that I was protecting Xiliu for the sake of Wu Shamao.I turned my face away from him.I can't treat him like this, and I don't want to treat him like this! "It seems I shouldn't have come. I'm bothering you." I heard his footsteps and didn't get up to see him off. That night, I kept crying.What an excruciating experience!